Jemma Speg (3:37)
Welcome back. It's time for this week's mantra. I am not here to manage other people's emotions. I am so enthralled by this mantra, I am in love with it. It is the one I personally really needed this week. Let me begin by explaining what it may look like to manage other people's emotions. Some of you probably don't need me to tell you you feel it every day. But just to make it super clear what we're talking about here, I want to give a little bit of a peek behind the curtain, a little bit of a description Managing Other People's Emotions it's not feeling bad for someone. It's not having empathy. It's not expressing kindness. It's when we take on the responsibility of regulating someone else's internal state as if it were our own, often at the expense of our own emotions. It's when someone else is sad, angry, disappointed, or even just in a bad mood, and we instinctively adjust our behavior, our mood, our tone, or even our beliefs to soothe or appease them. So it's not just about caring how someone else feels. That's a very great natural human feeling and it should be promote it. It's basically trying to then control how they feel, believing that if we just say the right thing, if we fix the problem, if we're attentive enough, if we cheer them up, if we keep them calm, then everything is going to be okay. So it's beyond emotional awareness. It's emotional overcompensating. This looks like a lot of different things. It might look like over explaining yourself to prevent someone from getting upset. It might feel like walking on eggshells or constantly anticipating how your words or your actions might be misinterpreted. It might mean putting your needs, your truth on hold to avoid setting someone off. It might also look like, you know, being at an important event for yourself and constantly thinking about how someone else is feeling. Constantly monitoring their emotions to make sure they're okay, they're having fun, they're not upset, they to the point where you just can't even enjoy yourself anymore. The defining feature here is ownership. You believe, often unconsciously, that their emotional response is your burden to carry and your job to fix. I think it goes without saying this can be incredibly draining because it places you in a constant state of hypervigilance. Your nervous system starts to anticipate their dysregulation before it happens. Therefore dysregulating you. You might catch yourself feeling guilty for things you didn't do, or feeling responsible for problems you like literally couldn't have prevented. And what's more, this habit can actually disempower the people around you because it assumes that they can't manage their emotions without your intervention. Sometimes what we're really doing is treating someone like a child. It's like we're putting ourselves in the position of a parent. Even though they're an adult, they can experience hard things, they can endure hard things, they can learn from those hard things and still be okay. We often develop the belief that it is our responsibility to regulate others emotions very, very young, very, very early on because of conditioning in childhood, people, many of us grew up in environments where emotional expressions, especially negative ones like anger, sadness or frustration, they were not just unpredictable, sometimes they were unsafe. When a caregiver's mood is dictated the tone of the household, children learn to scan rapidly for emotional shifts and preemptively manage them in order to maintain a sense of safety. In such cases, you know, a child often internalizes a very distorted sense of control, basically along the lines of if I can keep them happy, everything will be okay. Over time, this morphs into a very deeply ingrained belief that other people's emotions are their personal responsibility. This conditioning often manifests itself later as drumroll please. People pleasing people pleasing. A lot of people don't know this is actually a coping mechanism. It's a coping mechanism rooted in a fear of rejection and rooted in a fear of disapproval. People pleasers often overextend themselves emotionally, not just to be liked, that's only one component of this, but to avoid the discomfort of someone else's negative reactions. According to psychologist Harriet B. Breaker. She's the author of the Disease to Please. This behavior stems from a need for external validation and also a subconscious belief that one's worth is tied to being agreeable, accommodating and most importantly, conflict free. When someone gets upset, the people pleaser, it's not just that they don't want to witness the emotion, it's that they absorb it and they believe it's their duty to fix it. Even when they have absolutely no part in in causing it. This self imposed kind of responsibility becomes exhausting. It often reinforces as well a cycle of hidden self neglect. Let's Talk about gender. Let's talk about gender when it comes to managing other people's emotions, because gender socialization definitely complicates this pattern. Women in particular are often raised to be caretakers, not just of others, but of their emotions. They are encouraged, even subliminally, to be empathetic, nurturing, to be very sensitive to other people's needs. Boys, on the other hand, are typically taught to suppress emotions or to handle them independently. Both people lose in this situation. Both genders are losing as a result. Many women grow up with kind of an invisible curriculum that teaches them their job is to smooth things over. It is to regulate tension. It's to serve as kind of emotional support systems. I think this disproportionate expectation, it's not an innate thing. We're not born with it. It's definitely cultural. And it's led to a phenomenon known in psychology and beyond as emotional labor, where one person becomes the designated feeler, the designated fixer. Especially in relationships, at the cost of their own mental and emotional well being, they do more labor when it comes to holding up other people's feelings and protecting their feelings. I think at its core, believing we are responsible for other people's emotions sometimes reflects a lack of healthy emotional boundaries. And this is often shaped by trauma. It's shaped by unmet needs. It's shaped by the past. It's shaped by subconscious fears. From a psychological standpoint, this belief really blurs the lines between what we call enmeshment and empathy. Empathy is great. Empathy allows us to feel with someone else. It allows us to see things from their perspective and be compassionate. Enmeshment, on the other hand, traps us in feeling for them. It becomes hard to differentiate with enmeshment when their emotions end and ours begin. This is also very costly to our relationships. I think that goes without saying. To us, managing other people's emotions might feel like devotion. It might feel like sacrifice and kindness. All things we were taught are very valuable to display in a relationship. But love doesn't require us to be emotional shock absorbers. Real intimacy doesn't thrive in a relationship where one person is always managing the other person. And so they end up feeling resentful and burnt out. And they end up feeling kind of like a bit of a quiet grief for what they're missing out on in a relationship. Ironically, I think it also stunts genuine closeness, because you guys know this true connection isn't built on emotional performance. It's not built on perfection. It's built on real deep honesty and Intimacy and hard moments and autonomy, but also on mutual recognition. Both people are able to come to the table with their baggage and you sort through it together, rather than just one person taking over. Listen, I want to say it's not that you're being cruel, quite the opposite. And it's not like you can't help someone with what they're going through or help them with a bad day. What I'm saying is when this becomes your biggest and only priority, it can become harmful. Holding space for someone else's emotions without shrinking ourselves really starts with understanding that empathy and self abandonment are not the same thing. True empathy, the kind we really want to celebrate, means being with someone in their emotional experience. Not absorbing it, not fixing it, not making yourself small so they can be okay. It means saying, I see this, I see you, I hear you, I'm here. Without saying I'm going to take this all away. Without taking their pain on you as your own personal sacrifice. This requires emotional boundaries. It requires the ability to care without carrying and just to listen. Just listen and be present. A key part of this is also just checking in with your nervous system when you're supporting others, because often it is an instinct to jump right in and then want to fix everything and then to see your own nervous system and your own stress response spike. So really ask yourself, am I grounded? Do I feel safe? Am I abandoning my own needs or values in this moment? Is this upsetting me such that I can't enjoy my own experiences? If the answer is yes, it's a sign you may be overextending and overcompensating. So in those moments, please remind yourself their feelings are totally valid, but they are also not mine to fix. This person is fully capable of managing their own emotions with my help. I don't need to fix it, I just need to be there with them. It also means practicing honest communication, which I know can be so hard for those of us who are conflict averse. I personally really struggle with this. I don't want to stir the pot, I don't want to make things more difficult, so I just ignore it altogether. But there are some phrases that you can practise, you can bring into your vocabulary that can really help you out. You can say things like, I really want to be here for you, but I also need a moment to catch my breath or I care about how you're feeling and I want to support you, but I don't want to lose myself in the process. This kind of emotional honesty, it's really vulnerable. It's hard, but it also sets a powerful tone and boundary. I love you, but I'm not going to martyr myself for you. In fact, I think it also makes the bond between you stronger. If they're used to asking you for things all the time, this is you asking them for something. It levels out the playing field also, and I know it's going to feel strange doing this, but sometimes you just have to let them be angry and just to watch that feeling and let them be tired, let them be hungry, let them make mistakes and then let them help themselves. If someone truly doesn't know how to self regulate, you're not helping them any further by keeping them dependent on you. You think you're helping, you are hurting them if they genuinely don't have the skills to do this. I think what this mantra really invites us to do is just to examine the ways that we've internalized responsibility for other people's emotional states and just to question is that responsibility ever truly ours? It's not about indifference, it's about recognizing the limits of our role in someone else's inner world. We can't get into their brain and switch on different switches. We have to just sometimes view what's going on from the outside. Okay, we are going to take a short little break, but afterwards I'm going to share with you all how this has shown up in my own life, especially recently. What I've learned, where I've struggled, what I am still figuring out. Stay with us this time of year.