Transcript
Gemma Spag (0:00)
Foreign this is Open Mind. Welcome to a brand new week. Here is your mantra. I choose forgiveness, even without an apology. I'm your host, Gemma Spag, and I'm here to guide you toward a more safe, centered and fulfilling life. Each week I'll share personal stories and insights that are focused on a specific mantra, plus journal prompts and a weekly challenge for all of us to help put it into action. Think of Mantra as your mental reset button, a way to stay centered as you juggle work, school, family, whatever else life throws at you. Each mantra is a simple, powerful phrase you can repeat to refocus your thoughts and bring a bit of calm into your day. It's a small tool with a big impact, clearing your mind, lifting your mood, and rooting you in the present. If you've listened to my other show, the psychology of your 20s, you know I am all about those little nuggets of insight that make a big impact. So whether you're looking for some extra inspiration or you're trying to ground yourself amidst the chaos, you have come to the right place. At Open Mind, we value your support. Share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review and follow Mantra to help others discover the show. For more exclusive content, monthly bonus episodes, early access and at free Listening, join our Open Mind plus community on Apple Podcasts this week, I'll catch you up on what's been going on in my life, and then we'll dive into today's mantra. I choose forgiveness even without an apology. This is a reflection of on releasing resentment, letting go of what we can't control, and choosing peace for ourselves even when closure never comes. So stick around. We'll be right back after this short pause. Hey, it's Gemma. And if you love Mantra, then you need to check out Starstruck with Ali Luber. Each Wednesday, Ally sits down with celebrity guests for raw one on one astrology readings, decoding their birth charts and revealing how the stars have shaped their biggest life moments. From career highs to relationship drama, nothing is off limits. Starstruck is an open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Just search Starstruck wherever you listen to podcasts. I feel like something that not many of us think about is the toothpaste that we're using. But toothpaste is something that we use every single day. It's something that typically contains a lot of chemicals and artificial junk, but recently I have switched to bokeh and it has changed my life. Not only do they have really nice flavors, they have this flavor called Element, that's my favorite, but also cocoa ginger. I know it sounds strange, but it has this like perfect hint of warmth and freshness that you need to try. I also love how mindful they are about their ingredients. And their secret ingredient is actually something called nano hydroxy appetite, or nha. Now, NHA was initially used by astronauts in space as a way to rebuild their enamel and keep their teeth clean without the use of fluoride. So for a limited time, Bokeh is actually offering you guys, my listeners, 15% off its best selling toothpaste on Amazon and bokeh.com with code mantra15. That's mantra15. Make the switch to Bokeh for the whole family. With my book coming out, you guys know I'm about to do a whole lot of spring travel and I'm really, really excited because I've got some new slightly warmer weather essentials thanks to Quince. They have got the perfect travel wardrobe, like lightweight European linen, washable silk tops and cozy lounge sets. Plus they have the most beautiful premium luggage and sleek tote bags, meaning that I can pack smarter, not heavier Quince. Also, they work directly with top factories, so they cut out the middleman, meaning that you and I can get luxury quality pieces for up to 80% less than similar brands. I just upgraded my travel game with their really chic, durable weekender bag and also a really beautiful leather jewelry case. So for your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from quince. Go to quince.com mantra for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com mantra to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com mantra welcome back. We are going to get into this week's Mantra in just a few. But before we do, it's time for my highest lows. And who knows, I have a bit of a Lowe's for you guys today. Something kind of scary happened to me recently. I went to my routine eye checkup because I'm a glasses wearer. I'm a little bit blind and, you know, I just wanted to get some new glasses, make sure that my prescription was like all up to date. And when I was checking in for my appointment, they were like, do you want to do a retinal scan for $25? And I thought, you know what, $25 for a picture of my eye sounds like a pretty good deal. So I was like, let's do that. And anyways, I went and Spoke to the optometrist and we went through all the typical things you do in an eye appointment. And then they were looking at the photo and yeah, basically she left the room and came back in and was like, I have slightly scary news for you. We think that this thing is happening to your eye. We think you're slowly, you know, losing vision and that your optic nerve is swelling. And I'm sitting there being like, what just happened? I just wanted to get my new glasses and I left the appointment just being a little bit like, oh, that's really strange. And within like two hours, I had all these missed calls on my phone. It was from this optometrist saying, like, you have to go and see someone. We need to you to urgently rule out that you're having a stroke. We need you to urgently rule out this and that. And within 24 hours I had seen my doctor, I had been to the emergency room, I then had gone to see an optophomologist, that's how you pronounce it. For like a three hour appointment. They took these scans of my pupils and yeah, basically confirmed I've got this swollen optic nerve or optic neuritis and are trying to figure out why that's the case by ruling out some pretty scary things. So, honestly, that all happened in 24 hours and it was terrifying and it was really scary. And I'm so glad I had my beautiful partner Tom with me just to kind of let me cry in his arms and support me through that process. And such beautiful friends who were just like, we're here for you. You're not gonna go through this alone. But it really was a lesson in taking your health seriously, getting things checked early, getting things checked regularly, even things that you don't normally think of, like your optic nerve, who's thinking about that? But if you have a pain, if you have a tension, if you have something in your body, I know it's scary to get answers, but it's even scarier to not have them and perhaps it could be worse later on. So I don't know. I have this sense I'm definitely going to be fine. Like, I'm here, I'm speaking, my brain didn't explode. But if you are thinking right now, oh, there's something I really need to get checked, please go and do it because the earlier the better. Okay, with all of that aside, let's get into what we're talking about this week. Because it's not health, it's not optic nerves, it's forgiveness. So it's Time for this week's mantra. I choose forgiveness. Even without an apology. I'm very excited, if not a tad bit scared, to be discussing this topic today. Excited because I love talking about forgiveness. I think it's powerful. I think it's sacred. I think it's maybe as human as it gets for us. Scared because people might not agree with some of my opinions. And that's also okay. I'm excited perhaps, for you not to agree with me, because I think the idea of forgiveness is one that is constantly changing for me too. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. But with that in mind, let's just say it. Forgiveness is really hard. We wouldn't be talking about it if it was easy. Forgiveness is not the easiest route we can take when faced with situations where someone has hurt us, someone has betrayed us, that someone has done wrong by us. Forgiveness. It's not my first instinct, at least, and yet I know it will release me from so much emotional pain and turmoil. And yet we cannot help holding on to past resentment and wrongdoings, sometimes thinking it's harming the other person, when the only person it's harming is normally ourselves. There is also the fact, though, and maybe some of us are too scared to admit this, but sometimes it feels nice, satisfying even, to hold onto resentment and to hold onto hatred and spite. It motivates us. It gives us that rush. Sometimes it's even, dare I say, enjoyable to be mad. But it's no way to live long term. So why do we have such a hard time with forgiveness? I feel that we think sometimes that forgiveness means the other person has gotten away with it, or that forgiveness somehow means permission to do it again, which it definitely doesn't. Perhaps a small element of that is also maybe fear. Fear that forgiveness will invite someone to hurt us all over again if we let them. Secondly, I think we can't forgive because we are still hurt and emotionally invested. Part of that is also lacking closure. And maybe there's a part of us that just doesn't feel like we are ready to let the anger go quite yet, that it's still somehow useful for us. And thirdly, I think we think forgiveness, again, hurts the other person more than us. We think holding on to that grudge is punishing them. All of this maybe comes down to not fully appreciating what forgiveness really entails. This is what forgiveness doesn't mean. To me, at least. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean permission. It doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation. It most certainly doesn't mean saying sorry and just being done with it. It doesn't always mean justice and it doesn't always mean forgetting about what has occurred. In fact, I think a lot of the times we can forgive, but we don't forget. But this is what forgiveness does mean. Forgiveness means acceptance, a return to internal peace. It means self forgiveness as well. Empathy, closure. And this is the most important thing that forgiveness means. Forgiveness means. And forgiveness represents reclaiming your own power. One more thing. Forgiveness is not passive, it's not easy, and it's definitely not belittling of you. In fact, I often think about this description. Forgiveness is screaming and then silence. Forgiveness is struggle and then stillness. I feel like I cannot describe it any better than that because I can feel that description. I can feel what it feels like to hold onto a grudge and to hold onto anger and be screaming and hysterical and angry. And then when you choose forgiveness, it's like all of these emotions you just say, okay, you're free. I want to be peaceful now. I want to return to an internal state of calm. Let's talk forgiveness without an apology. Because all of this obviously sounds very well and good, but what about the situations in which someone won't even admit that they've done something wrong? Really frustrating, right? It's infuriating even. We just want them to acknowledge our pain. We just want them to take responsibility for their actions and then we'll be okay. We want them to maybe even feel our pain. I guess this hurts the most when it's someone that we care about and that we love deeply. We have been betrayed by them, we've been hurt by them, we've been let down. And a huge part of us would have hoped that this wouldn't have happened. And a huge part of us assumed that they had more empathy or respect for us. But here they are, here we are and they've hurt us. And it's often the case that it's those who love us the most who hurt us the most. And sometimes the sad human truth is we never get an apology because people's ego and pride gets in the way. People's lack of self awareness gets in the way. So do we move on? Do we let go? Do we forgive or not? I want to tell you why you should always choose forgiveness. Always. Even when someone else can't A, see what they did wrong or B simply apologize for it. We often want an apology because we think it will provide some sense of closure. And the thing is, you honestly do deserve an apology. You definitely deserve an apology. Let's get that super, super clear. If you want an apology, you deserve one. But an apology is not the secret antidote we all think it is. And when someone doesn't give us that apology, that does not mean that we will never be able to get over what we've been through. Because I do think that you can provide yourself the closure. Think about it this way. We so much so want this apology. But if it was half hearted, if it was a terrible apology, would that even help? Probably not. We want an apology because we think it's going to represent from someone else a sense of remorse. We think it's going to represent that they've changed. It doesn't always do so and it doesn't always give us the key to getting over what we've been through. And I think this overlooks something very, very critical. Forgiving someone isn't for them, it's for us. An apology is not required for us to forgive someone because the moment they've done something that's hurt us, the story is now our own. And everything we do going from there is about how we can make peace with whatever has happened and what they need from us. What would make them feel better, what we want to control about their actions is no longer our business. We are focused on releasing ourself from the pain that they have caused us. Because what you don't release ends up dragging you down. Holding onto anger and hurt, we know this. It has profound effects on our mental, emotional, even physical well being. So when we cling to resentment, our body is going to remain in this heightened state of stress. And that heightened state of stress is going to continually trigger the release of cortisol and adrenaline. And that cortisol and adrenaline over time puts extreme strain on our body, on our immune system, on our cells ability to heal themselves over time. This can also really contribute to anxiety, depression, high blood pressure and psychologically unresolved anger can really distort our future perception of relationships. Making us more reactive, less trusting, more prone to cycles of anxious and negative thinking. I think what it does as well is it causes us to stay in what I call the betrayal expectancy cycle where we take all these previous experiences or maybe it's just one critical experience of being betrayed and hurt. And we think that everyone in the future, every new person we meet will eventually treat us the same way. That makes it incredibly hard to form new relationships. It makes it incredibly hard to trust people. It makes it incredibly hard to be a friend, to be a colleague, to be a partner. When you're constantly in this hyper vigilant state of when are you going to betray me? When are you going to do something wrong by me? Forgiving also proves to us that we are willing to acknowledge it wasn't our fault. It's not people in general, it's a them problem. What they did to hurt you is something they have to live with, most likely because of their own unresolved trauma and pain. It's most certainly a them problem. And we know we're not going to become them. We are better than that. And the reason we know we are better than that is because we are doing this sacred act. We are applying forgiveness to them. We're saying I see whatever it is that has caused you to be this person. Maybe I see this inner child that's been injured. I see this trauma in your past and I feel sorry for you. But I also forgive you and I'm going to move on with my life. They have a lifetime to live with whatever it is that caused them to behave the way they did. You don't need to suffer in the same way because of their actions. I think it's very similar to like the Mel Robbins sentiment of let them. We understand that all their evil and hurt and hate is something that they have chosen not to confront. But we will do the service to ourselves of seeing their actions and forgiving them for our own sake. Letting them be the person that they are, but also letting ourselves be someone who stands up for themselves, being someone who has boundaries. Be someone who moves on. Now this brings me to a really important point. Forgiveness is not permission to hurt again. I've already said that, but I want to emphasize it once more. There is a difference between forgiving someone and letting someone walk all over you or self abandoning. I think forgiveness is actually a two part process. Yes, it involves acceptance and the act of saying I forgive you. But it also requires action on your behalf to assert what you deserve. And that assertion can be as quiet or loud as you want it. Forgiving them and then removing them from your life entirely in a very silent, deadly way is as acceptable as forgiving them. And then saying, okay, come back into my life and we'll be be happy and good again. A very common misconception is that forgiveness is a sign of weakness. Absolutely not the case. Anyone who has ever had to forgive someone can attest to the emotional strength that that takes. It is so much harder. It takes so much more strength than holding on. But over time holding on hurts us more. I think of it like carrying a really Huge bag of stones on our backs for years. Eventually you will get used to the heaviness, but it doesn't make it any easier. That weight is still there. And when you decide one day, you know, I think maybe I should just put this bag down. Like, why am I carrying this? Who told me to carry this? You put it down and suddenly you're just so surprised by how light and airy and breezy and some would even say joyful life becomes because you are not carrying the burden that someone else deserves to carry. And you know what? This might sound strange to some of you, but karma has a funny way of working things out for us. The amount of times I've forgiven someone without an apology and let it go and then heard that the same thing has happened to them or their circumstances are not as good as mine and my life has just gotten better and they've continued to stay stuck in the muck. I've heard that so many times. Because karma, it might not be scientific, it might not be something that we can see all the time, but it's definitely there. Choosing forgiveness without an apology is really heavy. It asks us to release something we probably will never fully understand in order to move forward without the kind of resolution that we thought we needed. But in that choice, there is a very remarkable but quiet kind of power. And it's a power we give ourselves. And it frees us from waiting, it frees us from rumination, and it frees us from holding on to something that does nothing but drag us down. All right, coming up, let's get personal. I'm pulling back the curtain on what this mantra has looked like in my own life. The moments I think I've gotten it right, the times I didn't and what choosing forgiveness has really meant to me. But also the times that I've been forgiven and what I learned from from that as well. So stay tuned. We'll be right back after this brief pause. I've been counted out, dismissed, passed over, told I'd never be a golfer with just one arm. But the only thing that feels better than proving people wrong is out driving them.