Mantra with Jemma Sbeg

Episode: "I Listen to Understand, Not Just to Reply"
Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: September 22, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Mantra explores the powerful mantra:
"I listen to understand, not just to reply."
Host Jemma Sbeg dives into the roots of why we often listen just to craft our response, the costs of such communication habits, and practical steps for cultivating deeper presence and understanding in everyday conversations. She offers personal stories, self-reflection prompts, and a weekly challenge designed to help listeners strengthen their relationships through mindful listening.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why We Struggle to Listen to Understand

[03:47 - 10:30]

• Universal Habit: Everyone is guilty of sometimes listening mainly to speak, not to absorb ("We are all guilty of just trying to get a word in..." — Jemma, 03:49).
• Neurological Reasons: Our brains multitask during conversation, forming responses before the other person has finished ("Listening and speaking compete for the same cognitive bandwidth..." — 04:24).
• Defensiveness & Ego: Listening to reply can become a protective mechanism. The ego filters uncomfortable input to prevent threats to our identity or beliefs.
• Cultural Pressure: In today’s attention economy, being the loudest can feel linked to being valued or remembered.
• Bids for Recognition: Our urge to be heard is a bid for recognition, status, and belonging.

2. Consequences of Not Truly Listening

[10:30 - 16:50]

• Distorted Meaning: We may misunderstand others’ intentions, leading to unnecessary conflict ("We unintentionally distort the meaning of what's being said in a way that can actually hurt us more." — 10:39).
• Surface-Level Conversations: Exchanges become two parallel monologues rather than shared dialogue.
• Erosion of Trust: When people don't feel heard, trust is chipped away ("Someone else's lack of presence sends a very strong unspoken message: I don't really care." — 14:53).
• Loss of Intimacy: Without deep listening, relationships become functional, missing out on true emotional intimacy.

3. What Happens When We Listen to Understand

[16:50 - 20:53]

• Shifting Dynamics: "When we give someone our full attention without thinking ahead, the dynamic of the conversation is going to shift almost immediately." (17:01)
• Experiential, Not Transactional: Conversations become about genuine discovery instead of dominance.
• Curiosity Over Competition: Focus shifts from winning to curiosity, humility, and mutual growth.
• Bonding Opportunity: Even disagreements become chances to learn and connect rather than battle.

4. Jemma’s Personal Experience with Defensive Listening

[22:38 - 28:14]

• Self-Reflection: Jemma shares her own tendency to dominate conversations, especially after spending time alone.
• Impact of Social Media: Online visibility and criticism often increase defensiveness.
• Personal Example: A social media comment triggered her defensiveness, making her miss a learning opportunity ("I was so mad that I didn’t even think to respect the point she was making..." — 25:14).
• Relationship Effects: Defensive listening leads to reading into harmless comments and costs personal peace.

5. How to Recognize When You’re Not Listening to Understand

[28:15 - 32:15]

• Physical Cues: Jaw clenching, restlessness, urge to interrupt.
• Mental Cues: No longer processing words in real time, mentally drafting your reply, only remembering what relates to you.
• Quality of Questions: When listening, follow-up questions are open and curious; when defensive, responses shut down dialogue.
• Post-Conversation Reflection: Can you summarize their perspective, not just their words? If not, you likely weren’t fully listening.

6. Practical Steps to Break the Habit

[32:16 - 35:10]

• Adopt a Listener’s Mindset: Consciously decide your primary goal is to understand, not speak.
• Allow Silence: Let pauses exist—don’t rush to fill every gap ("When you feel a silence bubble...let it exist." — 33:12).
• Open Body Language: Stay physically engaged—lean in, acknowledge, maintain eye contact.
• Mindful Listening: Anchor attention on keywords and themes as if following a written script.
• Explicit Permission: State you want to hear their perspective, which builds psychological safety and trust.

7. Journal Prompts & Weekly Challenge

[35:11 - End]

• Deep Thought:

  "We have two ears and one tongue so that we could listen more than we could talk." — [31:48]

• Reflection Questions:
  • When was the last time you asked a question just to learn, not to offer your own view?
  • How do you notice the difference between being present and mentally preparing your response?
  • When have you misunderstood someone because you were preparing to reply? What would you do differently now?
• Weekly Challenge:

  "Pause in every conversation at least once. Pause for the full two seconds after the other person finishes speaking and before you respond." — [36:49]
  Count mentally, breathe, and see what else comes up.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Acknowledging Universality

  "Let me start out by saying that point blank, this is something we all do. I'm not even going to question it."
  — Jemma, [03:48]

• On Defensiveness

  "There is always going to be someone out there who thinks you're doing a crap job... I am, like, immediately on the defensive. Anytime someone disagrees with me—even for reasons I probably deeply agree with—I’m immediately preparing a response without actually acknowledging what they're saying."
  — Jemma, [24:20]

• On Consequences

  "When we prioritize getting our own words, thoughts, and opinions in, the dialogue starts to resemble, I think, two monologues running in parallel, rather than what should be a shared narrative."
  — Jemma, [12:46]

• The Power of Listening

  "Conversations stop being transactional. They start being quite experiential. We're not just trying to extract what we want from the conversation—we're listening."
  — Jemma, [18:31]

• Key Mantra Reminder

  "Choose to listen not just for your turn to speak, but for the chance and the gift to truly hear what other people have to say."
  — Jemma, [37:51]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:47 | Episode introduction, definition of the week's mantra
• 03:47–10:30 | Why we listen to reply (psychological and neurological foundations)
• 10:30–16:50 | Consequences of not truly listening: trust, intimacy, misunderstanding
• 16:50–20:53 | Transforming communication by listening to understand
• 22:38–28:14 | Jemma's personal stories: defensiveness and online criticism
• 28:15–32:15 | Recognizing your own defensive listening: physical and mental signals
• 32:16–35:10 | Practical advice: listener's mindset, silence, body language, and mindful listening
• 35:11–End | Reflection prompts, deep thought, journal prompts, and the weekly challenge

Conclusion

With vulnerability and warmth, Jemma invites listeners to shift from self-defensive communication to mindful, empathetic presence. The episode encourages everyone to try intentional pauses, embrace silence, and foster curiosity, so that every conversation can be a genuine opportunity for connection, learning, and personal growth.

For more mantras, challenges, and personal growth insights, tune into Mantra with Jemma Sbeg every Monday.