A (3:47)
Okay, guys, it's time for this week's mantra. I listen to understand, not just to reply. Now, let me start out by saying that point blank, this is something we all do. I'm not even going to question it. We are all guilty of just trying to get a word in, counting down the seconds until someone is done so that we can make our point. Or walking away from a conversation and realizing, perhaps with a slight undertone of guilt, that we can't actually remember what someone else's point was, what they were really trying to say, whether they even finished their story. Because sometimes we just end up being two in our own thoughts, two in our own insecurities, two in our own voice. I'm not going to feign innocence. I want to start this episode very directly and specifically by acknowledging that this is a problem for me, and I'm sure it is a problem for others. I also think this goes deeper. Sometimes we do just want to get a word in. We do like the sound of our own voice. Sometimes there's a second layer of defensiveness where this can get more serious when we're not truly listening to someone's intention, even if we are listening to their words. This mantra, I think, has two stories for me. The first story of the building is the kind of not listening that comes with not paying attention to their words. The second story is the kind of not listening that comes with not paying attention to their meaning. And that's the more serious or major part of this, where there can be severe communication breakdowns. The question we really need to ask, and it's a question we ask in almost every episode, is, why do we do this? Why is this a problem for us? One reason we do this is because of the way our brains process conversation. Neurologically, listening and speaking compete for the same cognitive bandwidth as someone else talks. Our prefrontal cortex is already kind of busy predicting where the sentence will go and forming responses and aligning the conversation with our own experiences and perspectives. This is partly for efficiency. Our brains are wired for pattern recognition and prediction. We can't always immediately help that. I know, but it comes at the cost of presence. We aren't with someone where they are in this moment, in this conversation. We aren't really giving them our compassionate and emotional attention. Instead of inhabiting the situation in this moment with the other person and being face to face, really in tune with one another, somehow we're just mentally rehearsing our turn. This anticipatory thinking, I think, is amplified in very fast paced or emotionally charged exchanges where the urge to like, just express ourselves quickly overrides the slower, more deliberate act of receiving another person's words in full and just letting ourselves digest them. For example, instead of inhabiting this moment with the other person being face to face really in tune with one another, we're mentally rehearsing our turn. This anticipatory thinking is often amplified in really fast paced or emotionally charged exchanges, like when we're arguing, when we feel misunderstood, when there's a disagreement, when we feel triggered. This is when this is more likely to happen. Of course, the irony is these are the moments we actually want to be most attentive and we want to be most open and in tune with the person we're talking to. But this initial and often very defensive reaction stops that from happening. Meaning we walk away. And often we don't feel a sense of closure or of knowing the other person more from this hard conversation. We actually know them less and we feel confused. I'm going to hold off on talking about more of those consequences for a second, but I promise we're going to come back around to it. So just a bit further to my point as to why we do this, because we can't move forward without understanding this baseline. On a psychological level, self focus in conversation is is often as well driven by a deep need to assert our identity and feel understood. Our contributions are not just information. When we talk, when we want someone's attention, these are bids for recognition. They're bids for belonging, maybe even for status. We talked recently about bids for attention in relationships and how it's something that sustains a relationship when we respond to them. Well, repeating yourself over and over or really wanting to be heard, that is in fact a bid for attention, just in a different cloak. It's a bid for someone else to say, I see you, I know you, I hear you. There's also an emotional safety mechanism at play here. Truly listening, and not just to the words, but to the meaning beneath these words. It does require vulnerability. You have to be able to have empathy and see things from someone else's perspective. And so that level of emotional depth between you and another person, it does open you up to being influenced, to being challenged, or even just being changed by something that you hear. You know, if someone's truth contradicts our worldview or touches a tender spot or asks more of us than we are ready to give, it is easier to retreat into selective hearing or mental rehearsals rather than full blown acknowledgement that there is the work of none other than our ego. And our ego we know her job is to protect us. Her job is to make us feel good about ourselves. And who can blame her really? That's her job. She's doing it very, very well by filtering out everything that doesn't align with our pre existing beliefs or needs as a way to avoid discomfort, as a way to avoid our sense of self being brought into question. But although she's doing her job and she's doing it well, it's coming at the expense of connection. This is where the stakes become high. The cost of avoiding true listening is not just missed details. It's not just a bad reputation. It's missed opportunities for real, genuine intimacy and empathy and mutual growth. And that's the stuff that really drives us humans. I think also sometimes in our current culture we feel like if we aren't the loudest, perhaps maybe we'll become irrelevant. That's maybe another part of this, if you know what I mean. Basically, in a world where attention is currency, you know, we see it with social media, we see it with billboards, we see it with advertisements. We often equate volume in a conversation with value and assume that the person who speaks the most or the fastest or the loudest will be the one who was remembered. And that's something that we really care about. The result is a subtle defensiveness. We fear that if we don't jump in, if we aren't center stage, if our point is forgotten, we will also be forgotten over time. This instinct to kind of be at the center and to not be left out can kind of harden into a conversational reflex. I've seen people do this, I've seen myself do this, where it feels like this is like tug of war between people in a conversation about who can be in front of the mic at all times. So those are some of the reasons we do it. It's really important to understand that, because, as I said before, we all do it. Let's now talk about the consequences. One consequence of this is that we unintentionally distort the meaning of what's being said in a way that it can actually hurt us more. When we listen through the filter of our own assumptions or our expectations, we often misinterpret someone's intent or we overlook the nuances in their words. And so we actually end up being offended, hurt, dismissed, even when we, dare I say it, have no reason to be. This can lead to unnecessary tension or conflict or frustration because we're reacting to a version of their message that actually exists only in our mind. Over time, you know, these small misunderstandings, they accumulate. They create a gap between what people feel they've expressed and what we've actually received. And those two things are not the same. Resentment is basically a core thing here. Resentment is very likely to kind of grow through the cracks here for both people. Another consequence is that I think conversations can become quite surface level. We're not actually exploring what someone else thinks. It's just like this tennis match. It's just like this back and forth that's only focused on our own words. When we prioritize getting our own words, thoughts, and opinions in, the dialogue starts to resemble, I think, two monologues running in parallel, rather than what should be a shared narrative. And that kind of robs us of the richness that could and does come from collaborative chats. Like, you know, those moments where you're in the car with someone and you're like, so in sync and it feels like electricity between you two? Who doesn't want that? Those are the best kind of conversations. Those are like the foundations for great friendships and great people in your life. Without that depth, a relationship can't be. And relationships become stagnant, and they just become, like, kind of functional. And they never move into the territory of true emotional intimacy, or they never stay there. They never move into a place where, like, a soul recognizes another soul. And that's so important. Finally, the most dangerous consequence of all of this is that this habit can suddenly erode trust when sense they're not truly being heard. And we know when we're not truly being heard, you know, you feel less inclined to share openly in the future. Even if you care deeply about the relationship, you know, someone else's lack of presence sends a very strong unspoken message. I don't really care. My voice matters more than yours right now. I don't want to know your opinion. Trust you know, once it's chipped away like that, in these small moments, it's really hard to rebuild and it's really hard to prove to someone that you're not just listening to. Then therefore make yourself heard, not to be all doom and gloom. Let's talk about the alternative here. What happens when we lock in, when we listen to understand and we downgrade our own reply so that it's not as meaningful to us as what someone else is saying? Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happens when we give someone our full attention without thinking ahead, the dynamic of the conversation is going to shift almost immediately. The other person is, is going to feel that tangible difference and they are going to sense that there is space there now for them to express themselves and there is safety within this conversation for them to be vulnerable. That can be really, really freeing. It's so freeing for both people. It's like the rules of engagement have been dropped. The rules of warfare, kind of conversational warfare have been dropped. It's just two people being able to just do this nice dance and, and move and interact the way they want to without feeling like you just have to get a word in. They just have to get a word in. There's a competition at play, I think in this state of definitely undivided attention. I love undivided attention, as do we all. We love to receive it. Conversations stop being transactional. They start being quite experiential. You know, we're not just trying to extract what we want from the conversation. We're listening. We're listening. And that kind of presence is, just invites us to really know someone better. I think if we valued comprehension over winning an argument or proving a point, our conversations, they would actually become a lot less about dominance and more about, like, curiosity and discovery. So instead of kind of entering with a mental scoreboard and keeping a tally of who's right and who spoke last, we would just enter with curiosity and a genuine, like, willingness, a humility to set our ego aside, to expand, to understand the truth that is often very laid and complex within someone else's mind. And in this space, I think disagreements stop feeling like battles. Like I've been saying, this is an opportunity to learn. This is an opportunity to bond. Ultimately, there is a culture there of mutual respect. Even when a consensus isn't reached, even when maybe you just don't fully understand, you want to understand. Someone else recognizes that there is like a deep bond and intimacy in that moment that I think we could all do with a little bit more of so now that we know how fabulous of an outcome it would be to fully engage with someone else's mind through conversation, the real question remains, which is how do we get out of this defensive bad habit? What do we need to notice, do, maybe feel, think, see, to be able to truly listen? Well, I might just have some answers for you, as well as some stories about how this has shown up in my own life after this short break. There are some seasons in life where you just do everything and feel so depleted. You're working, you're working out, you're prioritizing your social life and not really taking care of yourself or sleeping enough. That was me a few months ago. There was no amount of coffee that could make me feel alert. Luckily, I picked up some of my favorite products from Symbiotica and they got me feeling like myself again. Their magnesium L Threonate has made a huge difference in how I wind down at night. Plus it's in this smooth vanilla cream flavor so it tastes quite good. And I've also added their Shilajit Liquid complex which tastes like hazelnut and cacao and gives me that natural energy boost I really need. Everything is made with clean ingredients and they deliver right to my door. So no guesswork, no running out. So if you're looking to feel better, think clearer and glow a little brighter. I highly recommend giving Symbiotica a try. Go to symbiotica.com mantra for 20% off plus free shipping that's symbiotica.com mantra for twenty percent off plus free shipping as a young adult, finding the right path to your future can feel overwhelming. It starts with Europe United's tuition, free job training program and career pathways. If you're without a bachelor's degree but have a high school diploma or ged, you can get skills first training to succeed in the industries you're passionate about, all while earning a weekly educational stipend to offset basic expenses. From there, you'll have access to internships and hands on experiences with Fortune 500 companies. And with Europe United's job placement services and personalised mentorship and coaching, you can put your knowledge, skills and most importantly, confidence into practice. Apply to Europe United today and take the first step towards achieving the career you want. Visit yearup.org to learn more. Welcome back. Now that we've looked at the meaning behind today's mantra, I listen to understand, not just to reply. It's time to get personal with you guys. It's time to go deeper to share some of my own Insights and reflections about this phrase. The reason I personally do this, not to excuse it, but to explain it, is because I spend a lot of time alone. So when I'm finally around people, I often feel like I dominate the conversation. And it's something I'm kind of insecure about. It's hard not to be aware of it now that I know that I do it. The first time I really realized it was, like, at a dinner party maybe like a couple of years ago, where right after I'd started working for myself, where I, like, kind of clocked like, oh, I just kind of did a lot of the talking here. I've also had to admit to myself recently that I'm quite a defensive person. I think the Internet has made me this way. There's something about being like someone who has a career that is somewhat visible and online in that you are always going to find someone who doesn't like you. There is always going to be someone out there who thinks you're doing a crap job, who doesn't agree with you, who doesn't think whatever, who just doesn't like you. As someone who never, like, kind of expected to have any form of, like, public scrutiny, even as minor as mine is, I really struggle with it. I am, like, immediately on the defensive. Anytime someone disagrees with me, even for reasons I probably deeply agree with and that I probably would see as fair, I'm, like, immediately preparing a response without actually really acknowledging what they're saying. I am immediately angry. I'm immediately like, how dare you, you know, come to my page and, like, criticize me? For example, there was a comment on a I did recently about trinket collecting, and it was just someone being like, well, this is wrong and you obviously don't appreciate this and that. And you know what? The post wasn't even that deep. Maybe I didn't fully appreciate this and that and whatever it was that she was saying, but I was, like, so mad. I was so mad that I didn't even, like, think to respect the point she was making and think to respect how that could help me improve or see other people's perspectives in the future. I just kind of shut down. I also end up hurting my own feelings sometimes. When you are in this defensive mode like I'm saying I am in these moments, you just expect the worst in people, and that's not a very good feeling. It's not how we were meant to be. And because I expect the worst in people, even things that are, like, truly just normal and casual, I hurt My own feelings by reading into them when I shouldn't. This has cost me a lot of peace. It's meant I've gotten really invested in things that I shouldn't have. Again, I want to say this point. I don't learn from someone else's perspective. And that's what this is really an opportunity for. Disagreement is an opportunity to learn, even if it doesn't end with you agreeing. At least you see a new way of seeing things. And that kind of expansion for our mind is so valuable. You know, this also bleeds into my relationship sometimes in a way that I don't really want to get into, and I don't think we have time for. But if we know we do this, myself included in a couple of situations, and we know it's bad, and we know the emotional and the relational cost, how do we begin to do something about it and notice when we are shifting into this? Listening not to understand, but to respond. Mind frame. One way to really just notice that you're doing this is just to tune into, like, some of the physical and mental cues that you have just stopped listening. Can you remember what they last said? What is your body doing? Is there like the clench of the jaw? Is your. Like the restless tapping of the feet? Is there like an irresistible urge in your throat to interrupt? These physiological changes are often tied to the sympathetic nervous system, basically your fight or flight response. Even in a calm setting, our body can interpret, you know, a challenging idea or a disagreement or an emotionally charged comment as a form of social threat. And it primes us to defend rather than receive. Those are the physical signs. You know, our breathing grows shallow, our posture more rigid. There's all these micro signals that our focus is not truly on understanding mentally. There are signs as well. We might realize we're no longer processing the other person's words in real time, but instead looping back to something they said earlier. You might find that you're searching for the perfect counterpoint to something they previously said, and everything they've just said to you has gone over your head. You can't even remember it. You may find yourself mentally drafting a story even after you've left. This is again where the confirmation bias can creep in. The tendency that we have as humans to filter and interpret newer information in a way that matches our prior existing belief system. We don't want to only listen to the parts of what someone else is telling us that are going to make us upset and that we think are invalid versus the things that are valid. Another indicator is a Change to the quality of our questions and our responses. When we're truly listening, our follow up questions are often they're open ended and they're curious and they are shaped by what the person has just shared. They're also not hard to come up with. But when our focus shifts to defending ourselves or making our own point, our questions tend to close down the conversation or redirect it towards us or maybe like just simply not exist. We're not asking a question at all. This kind of subtle pivot from curiosity to rebuttal or just a lack of plain interest is a sign that the bridge of understanding is beginning to wobble. A final way to catch ourselves is just by reflecting immediately after a conversation. Could we summarize the essence of what the other person was trying to say beyond just their words? You know, if all we can recall are the parts of someone's story that relate to our point of view or us, we are listening selectively. We are not listening with curiosity. This kind of practice of post conversation reflection, I think is something that builds self awareness over time. It might not help you right then, right now, and it might not help you next time, but there are conversations down the line that matter just as much compared to the one you're having right now. And it becomes easier to spot when our ego has taken the driver's seat and just pull them out and put our conscious self back in there. We don't want to shame ourselves. We don't want to make ourselves feel like this is who we'll always be and that we're just selfish and we just can't listen. No, no, no. This is an opportunity to reconnect with someone else, but also just to have a sit and think and a reconnect with ourselves and what it is that we're trying to get across, what it is that we're trying to prove by not just listening. I think when we pay attention to the moments we interrupt or steer a conversation, we uncover, like I just said, a great deal about ourselves and our inner workings. Those impulses, the impulse to interrupt, to come in, to take over whatever it is, it often reveals what we're protecting or defending or just desperately trying to assert. Whether it is a need to be seen as knowledgeable, whether it is a fear of being misunderstood, whether it is our anxiety over our perspective not being valued. These are all things we are really protective over. I want you to really try and trace back these interruptions to their emotional roots and then we can begin to see the patterns behind why they drive them for me, I know that this is a habit that was formed in childhood, like I explained before, but also it was a habit that was created by the fact that I felt kind of rejected and I didn't always feel listened to. And so now as an adult, I want to be the one to say things because that feels validating to me. That is something that you need to work on identifying or the pattern will continue. So we've got all this knowledge. How do we start to break the pattern? We understand why we do it, we understand when we do it. What next? Some of these tips may seem a little bit disingenuous, but they're not forever. We're just going to use them whilst we're working towards making these patterns and habits more permanent in a way that we don't have to call on them as deliberately and consciously. Creating space in a conversation really begins with consciously shifting into what we call a listener's mindset, where your primary goal is understanding rather than speaking. And when you're having an argument with someone, when you know you are prone to disagreement, you say to yourself, I am a listener here. This is my role. That turns a switch and means that we are being genuinely curious. We've given our brain a job and we're better able to stick with that intention. Also, allow for silence. When you feel a silence bubble to the surface and come up, don't pop it. You don't need to pop it. Just let it exist. Let the other person maybe be the first person to break it. In fact, research on communication shows that even a few seconds of extra pause, even just a few seconds of silence, can encourage deeper disclosure because the speaker doesn't feel cut off, they feel like there's space for them to add on. Another way to really create space is just to not shut yourself off physically and to just keep your body open the way you're keeping your mind open. Lean forward. Give small verbal acknowledgements like I see or mm. Maintain soft eye contact. Don't turn away from the person. Don't walk away from the person. Don't completely give them the silent treatment. Remember, you're here to be a listener. Signal attentiveness and they will respond. And it will reduce both of your anxieties, both of your fears of frustration, and encourage you to just be more vulnerable. Equally important is just managing the cognitive impatience that comes with waiting for your turn. Our working memory can only hold so much, and when it's crowded with our pre planned responses, we actually lose our capacity to process what's being said in real time. So one technique to counter this is mindful listening, where you anchor your focus on keywords or themes. I want you to really notice what words they are saying as they say them. Follow them as if they're in a script. Follow them as if they are written down so that you are really focused and attentive and paying attention to what they're trying to say to you. Finally, creating space sometimes means just explicitly giving permission for the other person to lead the conversation. You know, you might say, I want to hear everything you have to say. Please just take your time or I'll share my thoughts after you finish, but I want to make sure I get your full perspective. This verbal commitment, and it is a deliberate verbal commitment, leverages the psychology of social contracts. Once you declare your intent to listen, you're more likely to follow through and they're more likely to trust you with their unfiltered thoughts or correct you when you don't do it. Over time, that creates a really nice neutral rhythm in the conversation where everybody is free to speak without feeling like they're going to be overshadowed. I know this can be quite hard, but you will find that some of the most persuasive, likable, kind people are the ones who do these very things quite naturally. And it's something that you can learn to do as well. Now that we've unpacked what it really means to listen with the intention to understand hand, let's take it a step further and maybe put this all into practice in our own lives and more. Stay with us. Did you know that gum disease has been strongly linked to cardiovascular issues like stroke and heart attacks? At Smile Generation, oral health is treated like what it really is, the gateway to your entire body. The mouth is literally the unsung hero of your overall health. When you take care of it, you improve your entire well being. Prevention and early detection often starts with oral exams, which can help diagnose health risks early. Luckily, Smile Generation has you covered. Right now, Smile Generation is offering a $59 new patient special that's a comprehensive exam, cleaning and X rays at a value of $290 for just $59. This offer is for new patients only. It is not valid for Tricare or Medicare Advantage and may be covered by insurance subject to your plan. To take advantage of this offer, book Your appointment by December 31, 2025 for complete terms and conditions and to book your appointment, just visit smilegeneration.com mantra that's smilegeneration.com mantra hi, I'm Kristen Bell.
