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Mariners Church Weekend Messages
October 12 - Let Love Cover Conflict NOT "Cut Discomfort Out of Your Life" - Doug Fields
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Welcome to Mariners Church Weekend Message Podcast. Inspiring people to follow Jesus and fearlessly change the world. Discover your purpose and get connected by visiting MarinersChurch.org or click the link in the show notes.
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Well, good morning, Mariners Church. It is so great to see you. I am always honored and privileged for the opportunity just to be here and teach God's word. By show of hands, how many of you were teenagers in the 70s? Let me see, teenagers in the 70s. Not very many of us. So you missed out on incredible fads and inventions. Like, the Chia Pet was a big deal. Roller skating was a big deal. And of course, there was disco music. Okay? And on Saturday nights as a teenager, we would gather. I grew up in the city of Orange at the Holiday Roller Rink in Orange. And we would skate. I would show up with my Chia Pet haircut. You can see it here. You're welcome. You're welcome. And we would skate our hearts out just to the music of the Bee Gees and Casey and the Sunshine Band and Village People. And the deal is, if you don't know this about roller skating, it was the original dating app. So instead of swiping left, you would actually hold the girl's waist and backward skate, you know, to these songs and would sing these songs and the lyrics. What I realized later is I didn't even know what some of the songs meant. And actually I was singing the songs wrong. Like, there's a song by the Bee Gees called More Than a Woman. Okay? It's a very popular song. It's still being played today for decades. I thought they were singing Bald Headed Woman and I would shout it. We didn't talk to each other as we would skate. We'd just sing the song. You can't tell me that you don't hear bald headed woman. Listen to this bald headed woman. Right, Right. So just picture me with tube socks singing a love song about hair loss. Like, disco influenced me, but it influenced me in the wrong way. And, you know, we can laugh about that today, but many of us, what we're doing is we're dancing and singing and living to these cultural lyrics, these cultural proverbs that are coming down. And we're just embracing them as true. We're buying into them and they're guiding and redirecting our lives even though they are harmful to relationships. We are in a series called Proverbs for your love life where our pastor has done a masterful job. Hasn't it been an amazing series? Yeah, it's been an amazing series. He has done A masterful job of taking cultural proverbs like follow your heart or let love find you, or he or she is my soulmate. And then turning us to the scriptures to see what God's word actually says in the book of proverbs. Now next week is on Intimacy, which I would have rather taught next week, but instead we're talking about the popular cultural proverb to just basically cut difficult people out of your life. Like when, when there's tension, just get em outta your life. That is a loud and proud cultural proverb that. I mean, you see it on Instagram, you see it on TikTok, therapists, reality TV. The phrases like this, don't let negative people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out. Or life's too short to spend time with people who drain the happiness out of you. Like, if this was true, nobody would be in my house at Thanksgiving, okay? Or this one, Surround yourself with only those people who are going to lift you higher. Well, thank you, Oprah. Like, easy for you to say billionaire. Or how about this? Your vibe attracts, which I'm not even sure what that means. It just feels like it should be on a yoga mat in Laguna Beach. But so this idea of cut difficult people out of your life, like, I get it, if they're harmful or abusive or unsafe, you absolutely need boundaries. But that's not what we're talking about. The cultural proverb that we are singing and dancing is that it's way more general than that. If something annoys you, cut them out. Like if somebody disagrees with you, block them. Like if somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, then ghost them. And this, this mindset isn't just with acquaintances or co workers. It's made its way into serious relationships, including marriage. Now, I know half of our church is single. And if you're single and you want to marry, pay careful attention because you're gonna be saved from a lot of pain today. If you are married, pay careful attention because we're gonna reduce some of the pain you currently have. Like, I speak at marriage events all year long. It's kind of my fastball. I've written a bunch of books on marriage, I speak on marriage, and almost every time I speak, somebody would come up to me afterwards and say, you know, marriage just shouldn't be this difficult. Maybe I married the wrong person. At which point I smile and go, you did, you did. You married the wrong well, tell you, how can you say, you say that? Well, if you expect your spouse to not bring any pain or any tension, or any chaos into your relationship, you married the wrong person. I mean, let's be real here. If you're married, you married an imperfect person, right? Like in Bible speak, you married a sinner and your spouse married a bigger sinner, and you got married, and then you had little sinnerlings, right? Like, that's total chaos. But you chose it. Welcome to marriage. All right? Marriage is not two people living in perfect harmony. Marriage is two imperfect people sharing the same house, same thermostat, the same bank account, then trying to figure out, you know, what are we gonna watch on Netflix tonight? All right, so tension and conflict is not a sign, friends. It's not a sign that your marriage is broken. It's a sign your marriage is real. That you will always have tension in your marriage because you married a weirdo. You did. And that weirdo married a nut job. And if you're single and you want to get married, you're gonna marry one or the other. You're either gonna marry a weirdo or. Or you're going to marry a nut job. Which is the title of my next marriage book. You Married a weirdo, your Spouse Married a Nut job. Because if you understand this as a basic principle, then you can kind of move forward. I have been married to this incredibly beautiful woman, Kathy, for 40 years. Forty years, yeah. Thank you. And she is so delightful. She's calm, she's chill, she's fun, she's spontaneous, she's kind. And she's weird at times. Like, I walk into the bathroom and see this, right? Oh, really, Kathy? I mean, really? Like, how busy are you? Right? Like, it just. I can't tell you in four decades how many times I've said that weird gesture. So for our 40th anniversary, I actually had this installed in our bathroom. And she gave me permission to share that. She says if you share what a nut job you are. Because Kathy thinks I have quirks. Like, I don't think I have quirks. I think I have preferences. Like, I like a nice beverage, Diet Coke. I'm a connoisseur of Diet Cokes. Nothing but diet Diet Coke. So when people say, is Diet Pepsi okay? I say, is gas station Sushi okay? Of course not. I'll have an iced tea then, Which, I don't even like iced tea because it's like water marinated in tree bark, and you gotta flavor with a bunch of lemon and add in Diet Coke for it to taste good. But anyway, when I have a good drinking experience throughout the day with that cup, and it's in my car, I take it into the house and instead of throwing it away, I think it was a good cup. I had a good time with it. I've got other beverages in my house. I'll just keep the cup. And Kathy thinks this makes me a nut job. Okay, that is 100% true. People have said that's not true. That is true. And then when I'm out of town for the weekend, she just discards everything. Doesn't make a big deal out of it, but, you know, she married a nut job. So if you're married, please repeat after me. My spouse is weird. If you're single, repeat after me. I will marry a nut job. Now. Good. Now if you all. If you can live with that right there, here's the deal that serves us as we transition to God's word with the reality firmly planted in mind, where scriptures will show us what some of the inevitable. The inevitable tension and conflict that is part of all relationships. In Proverbs 25:24, it says this. Better to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with a nagging wife. Okay, how's that for being direct? Right? Some of you guys are just sitting like this. I'm not looking left, I'm not looking right. You know you're tempted to nudge. I know you're tempted to nudge because I teach at Marriage Matters here every marriage month. And we. We only have one rule of Marriage Matters and it's no nudging. And. And if you've never been to Marriage Matters, I want to invite you. It's this coming Saturday. Come to the 5:30 service and right afterwards in the community center. It's at 6:30, 6:45. We. We have a lot. There's like 1400 people there, so it's big. You can hide if you want to, but, man, I've got your back. We don't have. We don't turn in circles and share the worst thing you've ever said to your spouse or anything like that. It's fun. We've got food. We take care of your kids. We. There's newlyweds there. People have been married 65 years. It's a total, total blast. That's my pitch. If you need more information, go to the next step table afterwards and join us this coming Saturday. Lot of fun. I call it the ice cream truck. The ice cream truck comes around every once in a while. And it's good for you. It's good for you. And that's what Marriage Matters is. But in Marriage Matters Our one rule is. We have one rule. No nudging. And I'd like to implement that same rule into this message. So it's. If you hear something that you believe belongs to your spouse, don't co. Teach with me with your elbow. Okay? Okay. If you're gonna nudge anybody, just nudge yourself. All right? That marriages would be a whole lot better if we just nudged ourself instead of nagging our spouse. Oh, Doug, you don't know who I'm married to. I mean, I gotta stay on them. Okay, Spanky, here's another verse for you. Proverbs 17. 1. Better a dry crust with peace than a house full of feasting with strife. I mean, this is God's word saying, it's better for you to be starving and at peace than to live with strife. I love God's word. It's so practical, so clear. And these two proverbs that I've shown you, these were wisdom warnings given to young men before they married. And if you've been part of this series, Eric has been pounding every single week. Choose character. Choose character. Go after character. Why? Because character shows up most in relationships, especially intention and how that person's character is going to respond to offense or hurt or conflict. And those of you who are single, I know you're making your list of what you want. And, you know, outgoing blond hair, you know, can recite Leviticus by heart, loves fiction, can play pickleball with both hands. Whatever it is, you're making lists that are impossible for anybody to fulfill. So remember this proverb. This was in week three of our series. Proverbs 31, 30. Charm can be deceiving. And beauty. What happens to beauty? It fades away. But a woman who honors the Lord, character deserves to be praised. See, God's word says that over time, beauty fades, but character grows, which is essential for all healthy relationships. Healthy relationships have people of character. I mean, beauty fades. And our church is an example of that. Okay. I mean, not this service at all. I'm not talking Saturday night. Hideous people, hideous people. But beauty fades. There's a Kathy has a picture next to the side of her side of the bed of me and her. Right. We're newly married. I mean, it's black and white. It was so long ago. And it hit me the other day, I'm thinking, you know what? Of the thousands of pictures that we have of us, why has she chosen that one? She doesn't say this, but I think it's the last time she thought I was cute. Seriously, beauty fades. I mean, I didn't have liver spots back then. I've got skin cancer cut out of my arm. My neck is rubbery. It's like a turkey gobbler. I got a forehead the size of a solar panel. Like, beauty fades. It fades. So, my single friends, those of you who are single, I. I totally understand the importance of attraction. But if he or she loves and follows Jesus and their character is being molded by the Holy Spirit, that should be at the top of your list. Okay, but, but, but, but, but, but, but. Even if you choose well, even if you choose really well, conflict is still gonna show up. So the question becomes, when conflict shows up, will your relationship hold up or will it fold up? See, the cultural proverb says when it gets tough, remove the person to remove the problem or replace the person to make yourself, you know, happier. Two options. Remove or replace. I mean, that's what we do, you know, as Americans, we have bought into what I would call this upgrade mindset, where we feel natural upgrading anything. We upgrade our phones, we upgrade our houses, we upgrade our jobs. And, you know, why not upgrade my marriage when my. My spouse no longer meets my needs? Where we've turned this sacred covenant of marriage into a contract of convenience with just two words, irreconcilable differences. But as we discover here every week at Mariners, Every week at Mariners, when God's word is open, God shouts to us, there's a better way. There's a better way. And we're gonna see the better way here as we look at our primary text in Proverbs, chapter 10, verse 12. As a matter of fact, I'd love for all of us to read it together. Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses. Now, if you live with this verse for just a second, you allow this wisdom to become the foundation of your relationship. When tension arrives, you have two options. You have two options when tension arrives. Option number one is you can stir it up. And you know people who are good at stirring it up, like, they're varsity at stirring it up, they can turn nothing into something. Like, everybody knows somebody who's a stirred upper. And if you don't know a person, it's you. Okay? Now, the proverb says hatred stirs up conflict. And in the Hebrew language, which is the language of the Old Testament, where Proverbs is the word for hatred is the Hebrew word sin, which ironically sounds like sinner, but it's not. It's used four times in the book of Proverbs, and it's connected to lying and slander and deception. In the Hebrew, it's a more nuanced word. Like, we hear hatred and we have one image. This is. Is bigger than that and has more of an idea of hostility kind of an attitude of hostility. My point is, hatred that stirs up conflict can have a lot of different faces. It can have the face of screaming. It could have the face of the silent treatment. It could have the face of biting sarcasm. Okay? It has a lot of faces, and it's easy to stir it up. And those of you who are stirred up people, the scriptures tell us you don't even have to be smart to stir it up. You don't. It doesn't take intelligence to stir it up. Proverbs 23. Honor belongs to the person who ends a dispute. But any what? Any fool can get himself into a quarrel. And unfortunately, sometimes that fool is me. One, because of my sinful nature. Two. Certified nut job. But when tension hits, man, I can get defensive so fast. My mind works quick, and I can lay out a menu of words that can cut like a knife. My desire for revenge can bubble up fiercely. I mean, basically what I'm saying is I can become a jerk faster than you can say chimichango, okay? Like, it happens quick. But here's what I want you to hear. Every time I stir up a conflict, I give it energy, I give it oxygen. I give it life. I extend the life of the conflict. When I. When I stir it up, even if I win an argument with Kathy, I lose the conflict. And some of you are going like, well, dude, if you. If you won the argument, you won the argument. I mean, take the win and go. No, that's not how marriage works. When God created marriage, he defined it like this. In Genesis chapter two, he said, that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife. And they become what they become. 1. Some of you in here started this week. The class that we're doing called A Better Us. This is the workbook that Kathy and I put together. Hundreds and hundreds are doing it, and it's actually starting online this week. If you didn't catch it last week, you can catch it online this week. And in the first session, we talk about what I call a one heart marriage. And I want to show you this. Let's just pretend this is my heart and this is Kathy's heart. There's two balloons here. Even though it looks like one. If you can see up closely here, there's a blue balloon inside of a pink balloon. So this is our One heart. And when there is tension, if I go after Kathy's heart, if I want her to feel this, I mean, I want her to pay for what you do. I want her to say, I go attack her heart. I also attack my heart as well. So when I allow a form of hatred to stir up conflict, what I'm saying is I can't isolate my damage to just her heart without damaging my heart too. Because we're in a one heart marriage. Does this make sense? Yeah. So even if I technically win, I lose because we lose. So with option one, you can stir it up all you want, but it doesn't strengthen your oneness. And any fool can do that according to scripture. So thankfully, the Proverbs gives us another option. When conflict arrives, hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all offenses. So option one, you can stir it up. Option two, you can cover it. Now, notice I didn't use the word cover it up. Okay, we're not talking about covering it up. This is not the same thing. We're not saying pretend the conflict isn't there and just cover it up. The Hebrew word for to cover is kesa. And kesa is connected to this idea of forgiveness. So the same word shows up in A famous Psalm 32. Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. So we're not talking denial. This word can. It can mean forgiveness, but it actually means broader than that. To cover an offense is not just forgive it. Sometimes it's to overlook it or to minimize it, or to not expose it. Essentially, the idea here of this kind of love is to. This kind of love seeks to heal. It seeks to heal. All healthy relationships have this concept where repair is expected and. And reconnection is the norm. Like, if you want to be in a healthy relationship, you got to stack hands to this idea that, hey, we're just going to expect repair to happen and we're going to reconnect. And when you do, you expect repair to happen and reconnection to be the norm. Then all of a sudden, what you do is you provide really a safe and confident relationship, knowing that, hey, anything can happen in this relationship, but repair is expected and reconnection is the norm. So Kathy and I got married pretty young. I was 22, she was 11. And no, she. She was 20. And even though we were young, we were. We were wise enough to stack hands on this idea that no matter what comes our way, repair is expected and reconnection is the norm. So we made a commitment as young people that we would never use the D word in our marriage. We would never threaten it. We would never throw it around. And I can say in 40 years, we have never even mentioned the word divorce. Now, we have used the M word a few times for murder. But here's the deal. All marriages, every single. If you're a single person, you're going to get married. Let me just tell you the truth. All. All marriages drift at times. The question is, will our marriage drift? The question is, you know, will we? Course. Correct. Quickly, before there's too much distance and disconnection. Right. So if you were to take this idea of love covers offenses, as the scriptures say, here's what I would love for you to do. I would love for you to start practicing this idea of love covering offenses. Start with the small things that bug you in your relationship. Okay? Just start with the small stuff. That kind of. That kind of frustrate you. Doug, you know we have big issues in our marriage. I know. And one of the reasons you have big issues in your marriage is because when there were small issues, you stirred it up and they just became bigger and bigger and bigger. I get it. So start practicing this with the small frustrations and then see if that can lead to some. Some of the bigger issues. Like if the person you're married to loads the dishwasher the wrong way, instead of stirring it up, just redo it if that makes you feel better. Because loading the dishwasher is not a moral issue. It's an OCD issue, and it's your issue. All right? So to cover it with love means there are going to be times when you have to choose not to let this frustration stick. You choose to cover their weirdness with forgiveness. You extend grace rather than escalating tension. Again, I'm not talking about denial. I'm talking about forgiveness. I'm talking about covering up some of the little things that are really not that big of a deal in marriage. These are not big deals. All right? Now, obviously, there are things that are a big deal that are more difficult to cover with love. Quickly. I totally get that. So I want you. That's why I'm asking you to start with the common frustrations. Start covering with love there. Because if you turn everything into a big deal, like if you stir it up every time you're frustrating, what happens is frustration moves to resentment, and then resentment moves to bitterness. And you see it all the time. People are just bitter, resentful at one another. And if you wanna be frustrated, there's so many things in marriage there's ammunition all the time for you to be frustrated at. So I wanna make this really, really practical, okay? Tension is gonna hit. So the next time the tension hits at the front door of your relationship, you answer that. And you're holding a bucket of fruit. Okay? You're holding a bucket of fruit and you're like, doug, fruit. Did you not take your meds today? What are you talking about? No. The Bible says in Galatians, chapter five, that people who are filled with God's spirit, they have the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. That's in your bucket. If you're a Christian filled with God's spirit, you're developing that fruit. And so here's. It could be as simple as this. Like, oh, oh, hey, tension. I knew you were coming because I married a weirdo. So here's what I'm gonna do. Instead of stirring it up, I'm just gonna give this conflict the. The. The fruit of kindness and I'm gonna give it the fruit of self control. That's what I need to cover up this tension. Instead of stirring it up. When you're thinking to yourself, you're in an argument and you're going, when you really think about it, you're like, oh, wait a second. I'm trying to make my spouse more like me, aren't I? I'm coaching them, and every time I coach them to be more like me, I'm. I'm stirring it up. I don't need to stir it up. I need to cover it with. With love. My. My spouse doesn't need a coach. They need a cheerleader. And so I'm going to give this conflict the. The fruit of patience. I'm gonna give this conflict the. The. The. The fruit of gentleness. I'm gonna be. I'm gonn that my spouse is going to think they're married to Jesus junior. Guys, I'm going to. I'm going to cover it with the fruit of God's spirit. And here's why I know that you can do this. Because this is exactly what God has done for you. You've seen it in action. You've seen it with God doing for you. If you're a Christian, your faults and your sins have been covered by the blood of Jesus as he sacrificially died on the cross for your sins. God led the way in covering you, and he's now calling us to a higher level of loving. 1 John 4, 9 says we can love because God first loved us. So I know you can do this because you've seen it done in your life. The apostle Paul takes the same language from proverbs and in 1 Peter 4, 8, says this above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. This verse up on the screen, this is not just about relationships. This is the gospel. Like, God didn't cut you off when you were trouble. God didn't distance himself from you when you turned your back on him. No, what God did is God covered your sins with his love. Then he had the audacity to invade your inner being and take residency in your life through the power of the Holy Spirit to give you the presence and the power to meet others with this. With this love. So when that person is late, when that person doesn't do what he or she promised to do, when they say something that comes off as offensive or awkward and everything in your nature powers up, you get defensive, and you. You want to counterattack and get even. You want to stir it up. That's when you remember the overwhelming love that God has shown you. And through his power in your life, you can extend that same love to others. Extend a love that covers an offense. Essentially. If you forget everything I've talked about today, which you probably will. Okay, everything I want you to remember. Just one line. Here it is. Is I want you to remember the cross before you cross them. Remember the cross before you cross them. This will be a game changer in your relationship. You want better relationships? Of course. You. Okay. Remember the cross before you cross them. You remember the grace that God has shown you before you react with hatred that stirs up conflict. Remember the cross. You've got that zinger in your mind, the showstopper, the mic drop comment that will just totally slay them. You remember the cross. You remember that you're a sinner covered by God's grace. And then you extend that same grace to that person you're supposed to love more dearly than anyone else. I'm not pretending this is easy, okay? I live in the real world. But I do know from experience that the more I cover an offense with love, the bigger my heart grows to love. The more practice I get, the bigger my heart is. If you remember, in week one, Pastor Eric said, marriage sanctifies us. Marriage sanctification is the process of becoming holy. I am more Holy today at 62 than I was at 22 because of my marriage to Kathy. Okay, I am more holy. But I want to say this. I'm also more happy. I'm Also a lot more happier. See, because we're not talking about holiness at the expense of happiness. We're talking about happiness because holy was already there. See, you want happiness, then meet it with holiness. Some of you are wasting your whole life. You're chasing happiness. You find happiness where holy lives. So what that means is that in my life, when I'm humble, when I'm sorry, when I'm patient, when I'm forgiving, when I'm grace filled, when I am showing the fruit of the spirit in my relationship, I'm strengthening our us. And I can only do this because of God's power in my life. The world's proverb is simple. Somebody messes with you, ditch them. When there's conflict, cut them out, or at least cut them up so they pay for what they said. Friends, that is the way of the fool. That is not the lyric to sing in your life. The lyric to sing, the one to dance to, the one to skate to, is that Jesus offers you a better way to love and he's calling you to a higher level of loving in your primary relationships. That's what I want for me, and that's what I want for you. We all know that relationships can be difficult. And some of you in here, you've had it so, so tough. You've been cut up by some, you've been cut off by others. And some of you are carrying a pain that's, that's really never been covered with love. Some of you have stirred it up and you've built walls instead of bridges. And whatever it is, I just want you to know that you don't have to deal with that alone. Is we're going to move into a time of prayer, and I want to invite you to pray. I want you to pray for your heart. Maybe some of you need to ask God to soften your heart, to help you forgive, maybe to cover what has been uncovered for so long. I just want you to know you don't have to do it alone. I'd like to invite all of our pastors and shepherding elders to come forward. And I just want you to know that they are going to be here during this next song to pray with you for. For healing, for courage, for a fresh start in your relationships. And some of you, I know this to be true. You've gone your whole life and you've never had somebody pray for you up close that another human filled with God's spirit has never prayed for you. Take this opportunity. Maybe you come as a couple. Maybe you come as an individual. But just come. We're going to stand and sing and we're going to pray. So use this as another way to worship. There'll be people just come to the aisles right here and we will find you somebody to pray with you. So let's stand and sing. All right, Extend your hands, please, and let me pray a prayer of blessing over you as we go. Jesus, I pray you'd bless your sons and daughters this week, that you would remind them that you were gentle and approachable and and that you love them, cause your face to shine on them. I pray they will experience your mercy and your joy this new week. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Go in peace. Have a great week.
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Thanks for tuning in to the Mariners Weekend Message Podcast to support the ministry of Mariners Church. You can click the link in the show notes or or download the Mariners App at your favorite app store. If you've been navigating God's wisdom with us through this year's annual read and would like to hear personal reflections from pastors in your community, check out the Gospel Every Day podcast. Imagine feeding your heart, mind and soul with the kind of practical wisdom that will change your life. If you haven't picked up the annual read yet, visit MarinersChurch.com or download the Mariners app for more information on where to find it.