B (1:52)

Mark Steel's in. Thank you. Thank you so much and welcome to Mark Stills in Town, which this week, extraordinarily enough, comes from a cave in the middle of the Rock of Gibraltar. And this is the furthest I've ever been with this show and it is so exciting, at last to get away to lovely Spain. That is the only possible way of opening that show. I'm only joking, Jabra. I don't mean to be insensitive at all, please let me introduce myself properly and politely. Bian, vinidos and Mark Steilzinka Nandi Veneraster Espana. It does actually. It does actually say. It does actually say on the script it is possible that the show ends there and then the rest of the show will be 28 minutes of booing. Now, one of the first things that you can't help noticing when you come to this country of Gibraltar is it is tiny. Now, obviously, if you're going to try and squeeze a whole country into an area that's only 2 miles long, it makes perfect sense to. To choose somewhere where 90% of the place is an uninhabitable cliff face. The next thing is, while you love to embrace the continental Mediterranean culture, if you look carefully around Gibraltar you can still spot the odd hint of Britishness. There are British phone boxes and British policemen and 40 cafes and pubs with huge boards that say British Fish and Chips. In case you're worried they'll give you some horrible f foreign fish with a herb on it. And there's a chocolate shop that says British Chocolate, because who wants chocolate from Europe? What do they know about chocolate? And you expect a chemist to go, we sell British, ain't us all. You don't want nothing Spanish going up there. And the whole country at first glance can appear to be like one long duty free shop. In the shop windows there are barrels of vodka for 60 pence and boxes of 8,000 fags with a sign on them saying, just take them. We don't want money. They just take up space, just take and barrels of perfume for a pound. So you die at 42, but smell gorgeous. So it's a wonderfully unique country that from one end to the other, I could do the whole country in one sentence. It goes, lighthouse, mosque, canon, rock, monkeys, cannon, fort, pub, pub, duty free shot cannon, duty free shot cannon. Runway high street, other bit of Runway, Spain. Even so, the first thing that strikes you here is the views from Gibraltar are stunningly beautiful because once you're up the hill, you can see Spain, which is really nice. Gibraltar is of course tied with Britain, but not to the Britain that British people live in. When someone who's been brought up here goes to Britain, they must think, I don't understand. I've been here three hours. Not a single airplane has crossed the high street. Someone who worked here told me I lived in Le Liner, across the border. If late for work, you could lie and say a jump jet was crossing the street. You had to wait. There's all sorts of things that are different. One thing I love here though is, is a lot of the Britain that you're attached to, like the telephone boxes and the British bobbies is a Britain from the 1970s that doesn't really exist anymore. Those phone boxes have gone. The big English breakfast. You don't get so much in England now. Lots of the pubs you have here in England, they'd have shut. And you're going to get such a shock when you find out what happened to Rolf Harris. This is the charm of Gibraltar. It's like a slightly warped England from 38 years ago. You can still buy span here. You dip chips in cocktail sauce as if you're thinking it's pink. It must be exotic. It's so 1970s. There's a dummy in the glass house T shirt printing shop that everyone loves because it has huge breasts. All the blokes say things like, ha, ha. I wouldn't mind sailing between them pillars of Hercules. And there's some qu. Quaint customs here that are from the 1870s, such as the amount of tax you pay, although you don't really pay tax. It's more of a tip, isn't it? We leave the government ten pounds a year just as a gesture of goodwill. But Gibraltar is most famous for being a rock. And right now we happen to be in a theater in the caves in the middle of the Rock of Gibraltar. Top that, question time. These caves are. This is. Honestly, I've been doing this job quite a while. This is the first time I have ever been unable to get into the dressing room because of monkeys. It is extraordinary. And I'll talk to someone later about these caves and the rock because it does cover almost all the country. The Rock of Gibraltar, that's about two miles long with 30,000 people living here, surrounded on three sides by Spain and on the fourth by sea. Which is why. Which is why everybody has made sure over the years that relations with Spain are always friendly and full of good spirits on both sides. The motto seems to be nothing's too much trouble for our neighbors. For example, it seems the guards at the border with Spain frequently go out of their way to make sure hundreds of you spend a delightful four hours enjoying the wonderful view of the back of the airport without moving an inch. Drip, Tom. The drip just comes straight past. I'm 5% stalactite now. Now I'd like to introduce someone who I'm sure lots of you know Tito, who gives guided tour of the caves. What was the story he was telling me yesterday about someone who was stuck in the.

C (8:37)

Oh, in the queue.

B (8:38)

In the queue.

C (8:39)

Well, it was a friend of mine who was going across to Spain. And the policeman there, the Spanish policeman said, look, you can't come in here. I said, why not? He says, cause that photograph in the.

B (8:46)

Passport is not you.

C (8:47)

He said, look, mate, this was me when I started in the queue, you know.

B (8:53)

Thanks, Tito. Well, I'll be talking to Tito later on about this, but I like the way lots of you go to such lengths to bring the cultures together by speaking in this sort of half Spanish, half Englishy sort of language. I'd love you sort of air conversation with. People are saying things like, the sunset here is color of love bellissimo. But a liquean doi careful of getting squashed by plane in the high street. El rejol el rejolj del matio no tieno cuerto. You can walk up rock but watch the bleeding monkeys. Muchas mono. They're right Pain in the arse. Steal your twigs. If you're don't quedo norma de la lata, then mano rono bueno Deos begin with full English breakfast with egg chips, bac black pudding, flight slice, dos grando tape off a boat. I went over the border, I went over there last night into Spain. It's so weird. You walk across the Runway, this isn't normal. Gibraltar. You have to stand there, look right, look left, look right again. Check there's no easyjet planes coming. Flash your passport. Then there's all bars with people going, bien vinedos es espanol. And you order some tapas. And it's like you've gone through the back of a wardrobe into another world. Five minutes ago, I was next to a bloke going, point to John Smith's and some British cheese and onion crisps, please, mate. If you come onto the Runway in a plane rather than walking across it when you get it, it's a fun landing, isn't it? It's slightly alarming. Before you set off, if you look up Gibraltar Runway on the Internet, the two things that come up are seven most extreme airports, scariest runways. So as you come into Landria, this is your captain speaking. We're currently descending into Gibraltar Airport. We'll be scraping against the side of the mountain. You may feel the odd bump, then we'll be lost in the mist for a minute. Then we go upside down before landing on a Runway that's around half the length of the plane. And you like it like that. The tourist brochures say things like, you're lucky. The terrifying approach to the airport with the never to be forgotten fun of desperately ringing your loved ones. But now everything's confused, isn't it? Because the British people you so much want to be a part of have gone and turned you over because they voted to leave the eu. So the people of a country that likes to be more British than the British have said to the British, no, hang on, don't be that British. Or we might end up not being Brit. In general though, the more that places went, we're British, fly to Union Jack and be proud. The more they voted to leave and the more liberal and middle class they were, the more they voted to stay. Which technically makes Gibraltar now the most namby pamby, politically correct, metrosexual place in the world. One thing we should clear up before we go any further. For anyone listening, there are many people, it seems, who seem to believe that Gibraltar is an artist. Now, obviously these are people who have no idea about anything that happens outside Britain. For example, the London Foreign Office, who recently placed this advert for a job in Gibraltar. History plays an intrinsic part in this area of European affairs and considered alongside the Ireland's long standing sovereignty dispute. The island. What sort of Foreign Office is that? It's only tiny. It must be an island like India. Maybe someone from the Foreign Office tried to sail right round. It went well. No wonder these Gibraltar types are annoyed with the Spanish. The buggers have blocked the sea up. The main worry now of course about the EU is how it affects your dealings with Spain. And you get a lovely sense of how well you get along from newspaper columns like this one in the Panorama. That's controversial. Before 711 A.D. gibraltar had various rulers. Then we were in the hands of the Moors for 751 years, ruled by Spain for only 200 years and been British for 310 years. If anybody has an historic claim to Gibraltar, it's the Moors. So to annoy the Spanish, let's go for joint sovereignty with Morocco. You would do that? Just for the devilment of it, you would do that. I love how you had a referendum in 1967 or whether to become part of Spain and The result was 12,138 against and 44 for. But what's nice is you don't make a big fuss about it at all. Except for the fact that one of the main bridges in the center of town is called the Referendum Gate and that I think leads onto 44 Traitors Avenue. You celebrate the 1967 referendum result with a National Gibraltar Day, a marvellous occasion with spectacular displays such as the one this year, which was reported like this casemeet was to be showered in petals dropped from a helicopter. But the helicopter pilot missed his mark and petals ended up in the marketplace, missing the square altogether. I mean, who could, couldn't possibly have predicted that petals near a helicopter might go in haphazard? The way science work never ceases to amaze. Casemate is the main square here. And again, when you've got such a small space to fit in everything that you need for a country, it makes sense if half the main square is used for something essential like a glass blowing exhibition. I suppose they show you how to make a bottle that can open 50 gallons of vodka that you can sell for 40 pence. I've got a book there, one of these books by a chap called Philip Dennis and He says, in 1968 the Gibraltar Chronicle caused a demonstration by publishing a letter from Dubs suggesting a bargain with Spain. Now that's a sign of a settled and contented community, isn't it? When there's a demonstration because of a letter in the local newspaper, that's the sort of feisty behaviour that suggests you're not so much British and more like people from hot headed Mediterranean nations such as the Spanish. Now here is a question I feel I have to ask. Why does anybody bother having a car here? The whole country's about nine feet long. It could be because petrol, of course, is so cheap here, the oil companies have to sell it at that price, otherwise it'll be cheaper to fill the car with vodka. To be fair, not all of you do go everywhere by car. Some of you decide to be healthy and go buy moped. There's a book called the Best of Gibraltar, a tourist book. And it says, beware of scooters. They make a mockery of the rules of the road. And some people have described the mopeds to me as insects. And they must be annoying. If everybody thinks, I don't mind planes driving up and down the road, it's the bikes that annoy me. I like the moaning aspect of it here. I love that it helps your claim to be British. And I love the way British tourists come here and have their pictures taken next to a phone box. That's a proper holiday when you can go, oh, oh, look, they've got the same stuff we have in Croydon. And this is why the Best of Gibraltar tourist book explains proudly. While tourists on the Costa del Sol have to put up with a breakfast of roll, coffee and fruit juice, in Gibraltar, the English breakfast of fried egg, tomato, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, beans and black Pudding is served all day. See, over in Algeciras, they sit there every morning regretting this, going, I don't know how to put up with it. No black pudding after 11. Maybe the time come when we have to ask Britain if they take over us as well. But the brilliant thing is you can get away with having a huge English breakfast every day here because you soon burn it off with all the exercise you get from sitting in your car all day. To be fair, you don't just eat English food. The Best of Gibraltar also tells us, I quote, the national dish is calentina. If I pronounce it right, the national dish is calentita from Genoa, best described as a thick pancake served with bread and butter. So this is marvellous. You've gone to every region of Europe and taken the unhealthiest dish they've got and made it your own. Our favorite drink is melted swan fat. But the Best of Gibraltar does have activities to recommend, says proudly. For most visitors, a trip to the Top of the Rock is essential. With luck, a nuclear submarine may be spotted, because I don't call it a day out if you've not spotted a nuclear submarine. I was in Paris once, went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, didn't see one. Asked for me money back. The website gibraltotourism.com says. This is what it says. Morrisons of Gibraltar is a tourist attraction. Day trip. Coaches and families from the Costa del Sol traveling by car, flood into Gibraltar for their Marmite and hines. What's the matter with people? It's a shock. The people, really. Oh, it was worth traveling across an entire continent, risking our lives on the world's scariest Runway because we went on a trip to a shop identical to the one we go to in Luton every Friday. And we got a little headset on the way round telling you about it. On your right, you can see three varieties of toilet duck, British lemon, British pine and British fish and chips. Does it have a gift shop? I know it's got a bar. Whoever told you it was British for Morrisons to have a bar was winding you up. Did they also say it in Britain? All our Marks and Spencers have a ski slope. I saw one woman in there getting pissed in Morrisons. That's. Oh, no. The effort to keep the. This Morrisons thing going is extraordinary. There are 18 lorries at any time driving between Britain and Gibraltar to keep the Morrisons stopped. And also some idiot can spend a week getting here on a cruise ship and go, oh, look, they've got Frosties and take them back where they started, I believe a bar in the Morrisons. Do people go out there? Morrison. But Gibraltar has always attracted tourists and celebrity tourists going back hundreds of years. Writers come here. Lord Byron, celebrated romantic poet, came here on his tour of Europe and he wrote about it, saying Gibraltar is the dirtiest, most detestable spot in existence. In existence. And being a poet, I expect he added, but you'll see a nuclear sub if luck should come to your assistance. H.G. wells came here on a romantic weekend with his partner Rebecca, and they enjoyed this idyllic time. He got a sore throat and lay in bed screaming at her, saying the sore throat was going to kill him. Until a priest heard him and thought that H.G. wells was being so horrible he gave Rebecca the money to sail back to London on her own. Just amazing what a little trip to Gibraltar can do to keep a spark going in a relationship. Daniel Defoe, who wrote Robinson Crusoe, said of his visit here, the wine was thought cheap because 5 pence a pint, but was at the same time so miserably bad that in England we would have thought it dear at Tuppence a court. And in 1844 goes on. William Thackeray said at evening the place becomes quite romantic, so it's a bit better, isn't it? And then he went on, because it's too dark to see all the dust. Every writer and poet seems to have come here and slag a bit pammy as a poem that goes, I don't think I'm keen on Gibraltar. I found monkey hair in the water. I think my weekend would be cheerier if I spent it escaping from Syria. And the caves that we're in are extraordinary. You just sort of stand here amidst these amazing twirly psychedelic shapes and sometimes a drop of water falls on. You know, in 50,000 years that's going to be a stalagmite and that seat there will be restricted view. So now at this point I'd like to once again talk to Tito. So you give people guided tours around the caves.

C (22:31)

Do we have another cave further down? It's a pity, that is because it's very restricted that not a lot of people see it, but you can see it on the web.

B (22:38)

But you can take people down? Oh yes, we do take people.

C (22:40)

It's an adventure. To me it's the jewel in the crown of Gibraltar. I don't fit there anymore because as.

B (22:46)

I get older I'm getting fatter and.

C (22:48)

I actually have a photo of me Stuck in the whole section. Not many people know. But we do have a secret tin of Vaseline down there, just in case.

B (22:56)

You know, that would be so embarrassing, wouldn't it? The person who had to be ky jellied out of the place.

C (23:06)

That is the most beautiful thing we have in Gibraltar to show. And we are very privileged to be in such a place in the world.

B (23:12)

All right, thanks very much. The Rock of Gibraltars for thousands of years been guarding the Mediterranean in a way. And by 1300 there were about a thousand people living here. King Ferdinand IV of Castile began a siege of Gibraltar. But in the end, the siege was won because the Spanish king managed to capture a Morrison's lorry and everyone surrendered rather than go without codding po parsley sauce. And then you are happily ruled by Morocco for 600 years. And you could see Morocco clearly from here. And you seem to get on with them well enough. Do you think they mind that you've got a massive gun pointing at them that could take out Tangiers? And then Gibraltar was shared about for a while. When the British started to colonize bits of the world, they took a liking to it here with explorers writing, we have come across a mountainous stretch of land whose location could make it highly profitable. For it is our belief that one day this land could contain several duty free shops and a Dorothy Perkins. So the British navy, along with the Dutch, arrived in 1704 during one of the wars with Spain. And they built a fortress here. And in 1713 they negotiated the Treaty of Utrecht. Do you learn all this stuff at school and all that? And the first condition demanded by the Spanish is if the British were going to have a port here, the ships would have to cross the high street, giving Spanish citizens, giving Spanish citizens an excuse to be late for work. And then they demanded that Gibraltar, along with Menorca, was annexed to the British crown as a reward for all the effort that Britain had put in to defeat the Spanish. And the deal was that an extent of country around Gibraltar equal to two cannon shots be ceded to England.

F (24:58)

And I just said, why didn't you.

B (24:59)

Use a bigger cannon? You could have had another half mile and put a lidl on there. One of the clauses that the Spanish demanded was that all Jews and Moors would be removed from Gibraltar, which the British did go along with. But the lesson that Jews and Muslims learned from this dreadful episode was that from then on they should always stick together in common cause and have never disagreed about anything since. The part of the Treaty of Utrecht still argued about is the sentence that says Gibraltar will be transferred to Britain forever, the full and entire propriety, without any territorial jurisdiction. And this may sound definite, but as the book Rock of Contention says, as in many a treaty, the word forever means until such time as we can get it back. So, for example, the current Spanish Foreign Minister has said, which he said after the Brexit vote, he wants to plant the Spanish flag on the Rock of Gibraltar. And I've asked various people here what they feel about him and had some fascinating replies. There are various theories as to why the British managed to dominate the Spanish at this time. And one possibility was put forward by an American traveller called Henry Field, who came here in the 1800s and he witnessed the attempt by the Spanish to win Gibraltar back. And he wrote, I quote, the Spaniards began their fire at daybreak and continued without cessation. Then they suddenly stopped at noon. We wondered why, then discovered the soldiers were asleep. For what Spaniard may be deprived of his siesta? Now I'm interested. Do you have siestas here?

D (26:48)

No, no.

B (26:49)

See, now you've lost out there, haven't you? Now, here, if you're tired in the afternoon, you've got to pop across the border for a. But from then on, Gibraltar has, if you studied carefully, had a hint of a military angle as well as a cannon every seven inches. You've been involved in every war anywhere. A Confederate ship from the American Civil War ended up here. Nelson visited here on the way to the Battle of Trafalgar. And then the victory came here after the battle with Nelson's body. And Nelson was embalmed in wine and sent back to England, where it said, prime Minister Pitt said, bloody hell, what's this cheap muck you've embalmed him in? And once the Suez Canal was opened, Gibraltar became even more important, as you could pop through to the east from here. So the British built the naval harbour to protect the routes. And a 100 ton gun was built that was claimed is so accurate it can kill a single goose in a flock four miles away. Why didn't you use that gun to decide the size of your country? That first street in La Liga that smells a dope that could have been yours. But the most dramatic episode must have been in the Second World War. The Second World War came as a huge shock to Gibraltar because as you're 38 years behind the rest of Europe, you hadn't had the First World War yet. At the start of the war, the whole civilian population was evacuated. Thousands were sent away, many of them to Jamaica, which must have complicated the dialect even more, mustn't it? Those ones must have come back making English comments in Spanish in a Jamaican accent. Gibraltar. Siempracera. British. Others were evacuated to rural England, which must have been really unsettling, because there you could wander in the same direction for two miles without needing a passport or walking across an international airport. Most evacuees were sent to Casablanca and then eventually to live in camps in Northern Ireland. And I presume the camps were in the Protestant areas, because then you'd be in a small country with Union Jacks flying everywhere. You'd only need a Morrisons. It'd be home from home. Now, the connection with Northern Ireland has stayed strong because a couple of years ago, Ian Paisley Jr. Objected to the Spanish ambassador's attitude towards Gibraltar. Do you all remember this? And told him personally. Ian Paisley Jr. Said personally to the ambassador, pack your sombrero, sangria and straw donkey and go. I mean, you can't blame him. What else is the son of Ian Paisley gonna do? The question is, who thought relations between Gibraltar and Spain can be sensitive and need delicate handling? Let's send a politician from Northern Ireland who was brought up by Ian Paisley. That should keep things calm. And at the end of the war, gradually everyone who'd been sent away was allowed back here to then once again enjoy a peaceful life half a mile away from a country 10,000 times bigger than you, ruled by General Franco. Franco seemed to get especially Cross in 1969 and he closed the border completely. And then someone at the back three years later said, this queue's moving even slower than normal. Front, see what's going on. Does anyone remember the border being closed? Was it chaos? Do people like. Well, there's some people who never left for years. Sorry, so what, sorry, what's your name there?

F (30:38)

Gail. I was eight when the frontier opened and I remember as a child living in Gibraltar, when we went on holiday, we would have to get up on a boat, cross to Africa and then take another ferry to Algeciras, go to Spain on holiday and that was it. It's just taking the long route.

B (30:58)

Yeah, hell of a palaver. I'd have just gone to Morrison's myself. Thanks very much. Thanks very much. Eventually, the border was opened in 1985. By now there was a huge tourist industry. Gibraltar was now on the way to becoming a modern nation with its own supermarket. Something that has amazed me here, though, even in this tiny country country, is that there is a quiet bit at the far end. Right opposite Africa are some cottages and Rebecca Here. So you live in one of the cottages by the lighthouse?

D (31:31)

Yes. They say it's the last house in Europe.

B (31:34)

It must be.

D (31:35)

Tarifa is more southern, but then there's no houses built on the southern tip.

B (31:40)

Oh, yeah. It'll be gutting if someone moves there, wouldn't it? But now also. So on the other side of the rock from the town, which is only like five minutes walk away, but there's one road and then that's where the beaches are.

D (31:54)

Yeah.

B (31:55)

There's a sort of culture about the beaches, isn't there, that you have to.

D (31:58)

Oh, yeah.

B (32:01)

So is that right? So what, how does that work?

D (32:03)

You go to the same beach for your whole life, but then there's this. It's. We call it a compromiso, where if you marry someone and they go to Eastern beach, but your family goes to Caleta, then you're in trouble.

B (32:20)

You just love a territorial conflict, don't you? No other country in the world could turn going to the beach into, ha ha, like Romeo and Juliet. So is there a status of some beaches that are a higher status than others? Oh.

D (32:40)

I'm not saying it.

B (32:44)

So it was that a massive fight broke out in an underground cave. Now, one other thing I have to ask you about. I think this is fascinating to anyone who's not here. There are two sorts of wind. Levanti, ponienti. So levanti is from the east and then poienti from the west. There's sort of different sorts of wind. So the Levante wind, you can't put your washing out, is that right?

D (33:09)

And everyone like has this. This thing is like levanta hair. Don't go to the hairdressers when there's a Levanta because your hair is just ruined.

B (33:19)

Oh, I went to the hairdressers and I just booked it up on a Levanted. I don't know what I was thinking. I was told that one effect of a Levante wind is it makes it impossible to make a lemon meringue pie. It collapses during a. Has anybody heard that? As some. Someone's winding me up. How does it make its way into the oven? How does it do that? It comes from Levant. So is this Isis causing this? Are they waft in the wind collapse? Thanks very much to Rebecca. The most amazing discovery in recent years, however, is not how modern Gibraltar is, but how old it is. Is because it's now believed that this was where the Neanderthals died out. There was a study from 2000 suggested the last Neanderthals were living in A cave in Gibraltar, maybe this very cave only 24,000 years ago, although to them it would have seemed like 24,000 38 years ago. Having said that, it looks as if they produced cave art, the Neanderthals here, which was discovered on the wall of a cave and consists of a series of crosses, which scientists have suggested is a depiction of local Neanderthals waiting for a mammoth to cross the high street. It's almost poetic, I think, that the place where the last Neanderthals lived is the only place in Europe where humans try to live side by side with wild monkeys. It's wonderful, though, when you see how closely they imitate the humans that they see. I saw one open and drink a bottle of Lucas Aid yesterday. They've got one section at the far end of the rock where they make the other apes queue for four hours before letting them in. They just copy everything they see and they take everything. If you're not careful, they will take your glasses, your wallet, your watch. When a cruise ship comes in, they go to the point where the tourists come up from the cruise ship ready and waiting for them, because they know they're going to get fed exactly on time, which is why they've taken the watches in the first place. People know this story from the Olive Press. A woman from Macclesfield has complained about the police in Gibraltar. She went to the local station to report that she'd been sexually assaulted by an ape and said, while the policeman said he was sorry for my ordeal, he told me monkeys are wild animals and asked, do you think you could pick out the monkey in a liner? And they go everywhere, these apes. The hotel I stayed in says on its website, we do accept we have an ape problem. And one nick to Quasson off someone having breakfast. One of the apes, which is disgusting. What's wrong with nicking a British breakfast? The traitor. Now you'll become becoming known for more than apes, though, in Gibraltar, because Gibraltar has a football team that plays in the World Cup. Do you all support the team? They're doing pretty well so far. Gibraltar in the European Championship group. They played 10, lost 10, scored two and conceded 56. The manager is ambitious. He said, lichtenstein and Minnows, but they are respected and that's my aim, to be like Lichtenstein. I can't help thinking, let's not try and run before we can walk. And there's even a football league in Gibraltar with two divisions, but every single match is played at the same ground because there's only room for One pitch and the ground is right by the airport and right under the rock. And I saw Bruno's Bridge Magpies play Boga Juniors in a crowd of about 80. Mike is here. Who is the sponsor, let's call it sponsor. Sponsor of the Bruno Magpies, Indeed. Yeah. There's this sort of wonderful little attempt to make it more popular by providing not just a ticket but Bruno's.

G (37:33)

Where you went the other night, they had a football team, so we thought, let's sponsor it as a business. And by giving out some free burgers and free beer, it's. It's quite amazing. People come along and so.

B (37:45)

Wonderful. Bribery. I mean, Chelsea should be do this.

G (37:50)

So in that way we managed to entice people to come and watch the team. And now we've got sort of real fans of a real football club. We still give free burgers, a free beer.

B (38:01)

Oh, also, what were you telling? Because it's right next to the airport, isn't it?

G (38:05)

And the youth teams and the ladies teams play there. And they kept kicking the football over the fence, which meant that some of the planes couldn't land when there was a bouncing ball.

B (38:17)

That's brilliant. Thank you very much, Mike. Thanks for the other night. But now this Gibraltar, I'm disappointed in you. Despite not being an island, Gibraltar is a regular in the Island Games, which it won in 2007. So you don't mind being an island when it suits you, but it's worth being a small country down here, here on your own, because there's a stirring national pride of citizens willing to stand up for the honour of paying sod all tax. And in answer to those who claim there's no culture here, many residents find marvellously creative and imaginative ways of smuggling tobacco. It may, of course, be possible that the enormous amount of tobacco bought in Gibraltar isn't for smuggling and it's just for people here. But according to an EU investigation, every resident of Gibraltar would have to smoke nine packs a day, including babies. Now, clearly, the smugglers don't go across the official border, so they whiz around the sea in little boats, then sell cigarettes on the beach. Now, I should say, legally, this is only an allegation because there is no actual proof. Apart from that, everyone here sees it happening every single day. But this is the future for Spain and Gibraltar. All hostilities will be ended once you get together in harmonious petty crime. So thanks very much to everyone. The last four days has been just so wonderfully hospitable. And thanks very much and I will leave this Small but very proud nation with these words written by H.G. wells when he was here in his famous work of science fiction, the Time Machine, which most people agreed was inspired by his time on the rock. As I pass through the streets and converse with the vibrant and vivacious local people, I wonder what it would be like to build a time machine capable of taking you backward in time exactly 38 years to a time when apes walked the streets and vodka was fourpence a bucket. Back to when the main square in the country was somewhere to get British fish and chips and watch a bloke wafting bubbles, I began to construct such a contraption, though parts were hard to come by. If only there was a Morrisons. I exclaimed eventually, in awe at my new surroundings, I tried to absorb the majesty of my destination, an environment I have never before encountered. Flushed with excitement, I approach a native and exclaim, here, mate, could you take a picture of me by this phone box? Thank you very much.

C (41:03)

Mark Steeles In Town was written and performed by Mark Steele with additional material by Pete Sinclair, and it was produced in Gibraltar by Kyle Cooper. It was a BBC Studios production.

B (41:21)

And you can hear the entire collection of Mark Steeles In Town now on BBC Sounds. So if you're going on holiday somewhere in Britain this year and you haven't made your mind up where to go, go listen to this series and you might end up going to Basingstoke or Gateshead or Murther Tydfil. The tourist industry in these places will be booming. There are 56 other episodes. Please don't listen to them all. You'll be sick of me. There's millions of other brilliant comedies on Radio 4. Please listen to one of them between number 28 and 29 of this one.

A (41:57)

Welcome to Descendants, the series which looks into our lives and our past and asks something pretty simple. How close are each of our lives to the legacy of Britain's role in slavery? And who does that mean our lives are linked to? Narrated by me. Yes, Sedeley Ward. We hear from those who have found themselves connected to each other through this history. Whoever you are, wherever you are in Britain, the chances are this touches your life somewhere, somehow.

F (42:32)

Descendants from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Sounds.