Mark Steel’s in Town – Gibraltar (BBC Radio 4, July 30, 2021)

Episode Overview

In this laugh-filled episode, comedian Mark Steel brings his unique observational wit to Gibraltar—British outcrop, Mediterranean melting pot, and “the only country you can walk across in ten minutes and leave via an international runway.” Broadcasting from inside a cave in the iconic Rock of Gibraltar, Mark explores the quirks, history, and people of this fiercely proud, distinctly odd place. He talks with locals, shares anecdotes, and skewers both British and Spanish stereotypes with trademark warmth and cheek.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Gibraltar’s Unique Identity and Geography

• Small but Mighty: Mark marvels that Gibraltar is “only two miles long,” and 90% of it is uninhabitable cliff face. Its unique status as a slice of old-school Britain is humorously dissected: “There are British phone boxes and British policemen… pubs with huge boards that say British Fish and Chips. In case you’re worried they’ll give you some horrible foreign fish with a herb on it.” (04:35)
• Britishness Preserved: The place feels like “a slightly warped England from 38 years ago… you can still buy Spam here. You dip chips in cocktail sauce as if you’re thinking it’s pink it must be exotic. It’s so 1970s.” (06:35)
• Monkeys, Borders, and Planes: “If you’re brought up here, you must think, I don’t understand – I’ve been here three hours, not a single airplane has crossed the high street.” (05:44)

2. The Caves, The Rock, and Caves Tour Guide Tito

• Recording in a Cave: The episode is being recorded in a cave, and Mark relishes the sense of adventure (with the odd inconvenience—like being blocked by angry monkeys before the show).
• Local Stories: Tito, who gives tours of the caves, jokes about border queues: “Look, mate, this was me when I started in the queue, you know.” (08:46)
• Secret Cave Adventures: Tito reveals there’s a further cave sealed off – “It’s the jewel in the crown of Gibraltar… we do have a secret tin of Vaseline down there, just in case.” (22:31–22:56)

3. Cross-Cultural Life and Humour

• Bilingual Banter: Locals mix Spanish and English: “The sunset here is color of love bellissimo. But a liquean doi careful of getting squashed by plane in the high street… You can walk up rock but watch the bleeding monkeys. Muchas mono.” (09:16)
• Border Weirdness: Crossing to Spain is surreal; Gibraltar is “the only place you have to look left, right, and up to check for EasyJet planes before entering another country.” (09:49)

4. British and Spanish Relations; Brexit and Historical Sovereignty

• History and Tension: Mark jokes about Gibraltar’s long and complex past (Moors, Spanish, British): “If anyone has a historic claim to Gibraltar, it's the Moors. So to annoy the Spanish, let’s go for joint sovereignty with Morocco. You would do that. Just for the devilment.” (13:35)
• Referenda: On the 1967 referendum: “12,138 against being Spanish, 44 for—and they don’t make a fuss about it at all, except one of the main bridges is called Referendum Gate, leading onto 44 Traitors Avenue.” (14:33)
• Brexit confusion: “The people of a country that likes to be more British than the British have said to the British, ‘No, hang on, don’t be that British… Or we might end up not being Brit.’” (11:17)

5. Gibraltar’s Everyday Surrealism

• Shopping and Tourism Quirks: “Day trip coaches and families flood into Gibraltar for their Marmite and Heinz. Oh, it was worth travelling across an entire continent… because we went on a trip to a shop identical to the one in Luton every Friday.” (18:40)
• Morrisons as Tourist Attraction: The effort to keep Morrisons (supermarket) supplied is “extraordinary… 18 lorries at any time driving between Britain and Gibraltar to keep the Morrisons stocked.” (19:24)
• Endless Cigarettes: The EU claims “every resident of Gibraltar would have to smoke nine packs a day, including babies” to match cigarette imports—a nod to the smuggling trade. (39:13)

6. History’s Eccentrics and Oddities

• Writers Diss Gibraltar: Lord Byron called it “the dirtiest, most detestable spot in existence.” H.G. Wells spent his visit bedridden, howling. (20:19)
• Military Legacy: “You’ve been involved in every war anywhere… The 100-ton gun was built that was so accurate it could kill a single goose in a flock four miles away.” (27:40)

7. Local Voices: Life and Customs

• The Closed Frontier: Gail remembers the border closure under Franco: Going on holiday required a boat to Africa, then another to Spain. (30:38)
• Beach Rivalries: Rebecca, “I live in one of the cottages by the lighthouse… There’s a sort of beach culture here. You go to the same beach for your whole life, and if you marry someone from a family that goes to a different beach—it’s trouble.” (32:01)
• The Winds: Two types shape daily life: Levante (from the east)—“don’t go to the hairdressers when there’s a Levante because your hair is just ruined.” (33:09)

8. Monkey Business

• Wild Monkeys as Mascots and Menace: Mark recounts close encounters and locals add tales: “Monkeys – they’ve screamed at me”; “They steal your glasses, your wallet, your watch.” (01:33, 35:04)
• Tourist Hazards: “The hotel I stayed in says on its website, ‘We do accept we have an ape problem.’” (36:41)

9. Gibraltarian Football

• One Pitch, Many Dreams: All matches—men’s, women’s, and youth—are played on the same pitch, right next to the airport: “They kept kicking the football over the fence, which meant some of the planes couldn’t land while there was a bouncing ball.” (38:05)
• Building Fandom: “By giving out some free burgers and free beer, we entice people to come and watch the team… We now have real fans.” (37:33)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mark Steel on Gibraltar’s Size:
  “I could do the whole country in one sentence. It goes: lighthouse, mosque, cannon, rock, monkeys, cannon, fort, pub, pub, duty free shop, cannon, duty free shop, cannon, runway, high street, other bit of runway, Spain.” (05:13)

• Tito on Border Queues:
  “Look, mate, this was me when I started in the queue, you know.” (08:46)

• On Referendum Results:
  “12,138 voted against being Spanish; 44 for. And you don’t make a fuss about it, except for Referendum Gate and 44 Traitors Avenue.” (14:33)

• On Local Food:
  “You’ve gone to every region of Europe and taken the unhealthiest dish they’ve got and made it your own. Our favorite drink is melted swan fat.” (16:53)

• On National Pride & Tobacco:
  “There’s a stirring national pride… citizens willing to stand up for the honour of paying sod all tax.” (39:07)

• On Monkeys as Town Mascots:
  “It’s almost poetic: the place where the last Neanderthals lived is the only place in Europe where humans try to live side by side with wild monkeys.” (35:23)

Key Timestamps

• [04:35] – Mark’s wry greeting and first impressions of “continental, but British” Gibraltar
• [06:35] – The “1970s” vibe and British paraphernalia
• [08:46] – Tito’s queue anecdote
• [14:33] – Jibes about referendum over Spanish sovereignty
• [16:53] – Local cuisine and Morrisons as “must visit”
• [20:19] – Famous authors’ (unfavorable) opinions of Gibraltar
• [22:31] – Cave tour stories and “secret Vaseline”
• [27:40] – Quirks of Gibraltar’s military history and 100-ton gun
• [30:38] – Recollections of the closed Franco-era frontier
• [32:01] – Beach loyalty, Gibraltarian-style
• [33:09] – Hair-ruining Levante winds
• [35:23] – Living with monkeys, and monkey mischief
• [37:33] – Gibraltarian football team, free burgers and plane-stopping balls
• [39:07] – National pride, tobacco smuggling, and gentle satire of Gibraltarian priorities

Tone & Language

Mark Steel’s style is warm, irreverent, and inclusive. He roots humor in local foibles and regional affection—often gently mocking British insularity, Spanish pique, and the odd but proud hybrid nature of Gibraltarian life.

Summary

This episode is a lively, affectionate snapshot of Gibraltar—a place where the bizarre is ordinary, the border is an international punchline, and the past (sometimes 38 years behind) is always present. Mark Steel’s show weaves history, geography, politics, and football into a comic love letter to Gibraltar’s people and their enduring quirks. Whether you know nothing or everything about the Rock, you’ll come away both educated and thoroughly entertained.