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Welcome to the Win with Paid Ads podcast for small business owners, entrepreneurs, and really anyone who has anything you want more people to find. Whether you're starting from ground zero or scaling an eight figure business, you are exactly who this podcast was created for. Because you being the best kept secret helps no one. Right? That's why in every episode, I'll show you how you can use paid ads to hit your goals 10 times sooner. It's time you finally learn how to win with paid ads. You or someone on your team can do this. I'll show you how to score and be known by more. Let's get started. All right, so we're going to talk about addiction today, and we're not talking about addiction to drugs, although we are going to tie how the brain works with addiction, no matter what it is. So this episode is, I think I'm just going to call it I'm a Workaholic, and I'm admitting that. And I kind of want to share with y' all how I got to the point of awareness. And there's really a difference between awareness and admission that I was like, oh, my God, I think I'm a workaholic. Okay, so I'm going to kind of give you the. The backstory. So I think this is really cool because we're going to talk about things that most entrepreneurs won't talk about. And it's not because they don't experience it, but it is because work is the one addiction that actually gets, like, awarded, right. And rewarded. And so I'm saying a workaholic. And I don't mean it in the cute, like, hustle culture. She works so hard. But actually, I literally sat down with my husband and I was crying because I was working on setting boundaries. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna put my phone away for a whole day. And I swear I was about to have a panic attack. Cause I was like, what's happening? There were some things in the business, and I was like, I have to see it. And so I ended up using my computer for a couple things. I even used it to plan a trip, which was, like, fun. And it was for the family. So I was like, I'm working, but it's, like, for us. And what I realized is there was so much utter discomfort in me not working. I was like, the moment I picked up my phone, I was like, okay, I'm okay. I'm like, relief. And I do this, like, crazy thing. Like, maybe you do this too. And I'm actually really hopeful that somebody listens to this and is like, this is me too. But I was doing this round robin thing, I realized. So what I do is I open up my phone and I click my text, and then I click my email, and then I click my slack, and then I click my Voxer, and then I click Instagram, and then I go back and I click my text, and then I click my email, and then I click Slack, and then I click Voxer and then click Instagram. I just go. And then I look at my bank account, and then it's like I realize my body is like, I must know what's happening, right? And so I kind of want to talk about the science behind that, because I know I've got to not be the only one who experiences this. So the thing was, the reason I really said I was a workaholic is because I realized I actually wanted to stop, but I felt like I couldn't. And when I was stopping, it felt immensely uncomfortable. And that was like a huge self awareness moment with me. So if something in your chest tightened when you're like, ooh, I'm a workaholic. And you're like, am I? This episode is for you. All right, so first part is I'm calling it the addiction that nobody calls an addiction. So nobody stages an intervention when you're working 14 hour days. They're like, way to go, Great job. And sometimes it's actually the opposite where it's like, it's an addiction and people don't know to call it addiction. But it's like you're working so hard, like, have balance, and it's like, you don't understand. I'm addicted to this. I'm addicted to the progress. I'm addicted to my clients. Being like, this changed my life. Thank you so much. Like, think about it, really. I am so obsessed with getting my clients wins that when they show me how much money they made and then how that money that they made helped all these people and helped them and helped their families and all these things, I'm like, it's a domino effect. I'm like, we are some people's literal first domino where the rest of their life is changed the trajectory of their future, their kids, their family, their business, everything has changed because of what they learn when they learn how to advertise. And so you've got to understand, that positive reward on my brain becomes freaking addicting. It's like dopamine. Dopamine. It's like, thank you so much. And I'm like, oh, I want more of that how can I help more people? Like, I can't stop, Truly. And so I realized. So here's some science that I wanna share with you. Dopamine is not pleasure. It is anticipation. So it's the wanting. It's the just one more try before bed. Just one more thing before bed. The pull to open your laptop at 6am when everyone else is asleep. And it's because of what's called the variable ratio. Reinforcement. Okay. It says the most addictive reward pattern is unpredictable rewards. That's a slot machine. It's also entrepreneurship. Some launches are great, some ads are great. The uncertainty of it is actually what keeps you keeping on pulling that leverage. Cause you're like, I don't know if this is gonna work. I don't know if this is gonna work. But when it does, it's like, oh, my God, that felt so good. But if you're so. Then you lead to tolerance. If the win that used to light you up doesn't hit you the same, which it actually can't. Like, you achieve $100,000 the first time. You're like, oh, my God, we had $100,000 launch. I could cry. This is insane. Life changing. You literally, just literally cry all day. You're like, I can't believe this. Then you do 150,000 and you're not as excited. Then you do 110 again. You're like, I'm mad now. I'm doing the same thing over and over again. Right? Your brain, that tolerance builds up and so you chase the bigger, the more, the better. That is not ambition. That is your body adjusting to tolerance. Then there's the withdrawal when you stop, when you're not getting the results, you feel anxious, you feel restless, you feel guilty. That is not a character flaw. I realized my brain is just used to a steady dopamine stream. And when it doesn't get it, it panics. That's why I can't relax. So think about it. I'm sitting there on a Saturday. My kids are freaking out because their toy is broken. And it's been an hour since I had someone be like, thank you so much for this. This is great. Someone does a review on the podcast. The teammate is really happy. A client sent us a good email. It's like, that's all dopamine. So if I don't get any. Truly, if you don't get any. Because it's like, no one's told you you've done a great job today. No one has given you a high five. If you get that all day, every day, and then it stops. Of course, your body's like, where's the dopamine? Right? And you're in the middle of having chaos happen around you, and you're like, where's the dopamine? Right? That is the problem. And it really helped me to be like, I'm not a crazy person. Cause I'm like, what's wrong with me? If somebody said, ashley, this is bad. You need to stop it, I would be like, okay, I'll do it. I'm so sorry. But it's like, with me, it's like I'm addicted to something good. So I'm like, is it really bad that I'm working? Because I'm like, this is why I'm able to be here and take them there and go there. So I can really justify it in my brain. But I realized when I was like, I can't just exist. I can't just be like, I really realized. So here's what happened. I'll, like, kind of take you back to the moment. So I told Kyle before, because he was like, hey, you know, you've been traveling a lot, or you're here. And at the end of the day, he was like, you know what, Ashley? It's not about your travel schedule. It's not about these other things. It's about that when you are here, your feet are here, but you're not mentally here. And I was like, you are, right? And so I told him I was working on it. I was like, I'm gonna work on my balance. I'm gonna set some boundaries. I'm gonna buy a brick, this little device, and I'll kind of tell you the story with that in a minute. But I was like, I'm gonna do all these things. And then what I realized is it wasn't that easy. It's not that easy to have your brain go from one extreme to another. And so I asked Emily, and I said, why can't I just, like, be? And she kind of helped me think about the science behind it. And then that's when I realized I was like, Kyle. I really tried to be so present, but I felt this pull. And I felt so anxious. Like, I felt my heart racing, like, my aura ring. I was like, sigh. I am stressed. Like, I wasn't doing anything. I was sitting on the front porch, and my body's like, what am I missing out on? What am I falling behind on? Like, I'm struggling with this, right? So I told him. I was like, cal, I'M literally. I think I'm addicted, like, I'm addicted to progress. I'm addicted to affirmation. I'm addicted to the validation. I'm addicted to the impact. I'm addicted to, like, all these things. And so at the same time, I also want to be and feel that same level of dopamine and excitement and peace and validation with him and with the kids. And I know that it's just because I need to be present enough to reteach my brain and rewire my brain. That reward can come from the kids and him too. And I know that that's possible. So that's kind of where our turn was. I think he was just really happy that I was not just saying, I'm gonna work on it, but, like, I actually have a problem. Like, I'm feeling pain and feeling guilt when I'm. It's like I feel guilt when I'm not working because my brain has been so conditioned that work is validation. So it feels like I'm not getting validated or worthy or valuable when I'm not getting that. Do you know what I mean? Man, I feel like I'm pouring my heart out. I feel like someone listens to this and it's like, no, I know. I know exactly how you feel. Maybe you are. And if not, maybe this is helping you not get to a place where you're this, like, obsessed with the progress. So the science says behavior psychology shows that intellectual awareness and felt recognition are different. Intellectual awareness versus felt recognition are different. You can name something for years without changing anything. And the shift happens when you move it from your head into your body. And I actually felt my body responding to two things. Responding to not having my phone or computer attached to me and responding to the level of desire, of utter connection and presence that I wanted with my kids. Like, that's what I really wanted. And so this, the summary was this weekend. That weekend we had just a blow up. And I was like, I'm so sorry. He was like, yeah, you're not doing what you said you wanted to do. And I was like, I'm sorry. So let me get underneath it. And that really was a turning point for me. So the workaholism works, and here's why workaholism works. And then I'm going to tell you about the results that I've had and the changes that I've made. I think it's going to be really cool for you to hear. So the addiction served me right. Late nights working at for paid ads Academy Building this. Saying no to things, saying no to meeting friends in person, prioritizing the work, it built something very impactful, very rewarding. My husband, my family, our families, our team, our clients, everyone won from what we have built and are building. But when an addiction produces results, the association gets stronger because it means work equals reward equals safety, equals identity. The work led to a reward which feels safe, which leads to my identity that I. I'm like the work. I. My identity is in the work. And so when a behavior fuses with your sense of self, it's. When a behavior fuses with your sense of self, stopping that behavior feels like you're losing yourself. It feels like you're losing your identity. Because I didn't just work hard. I became the person who works hard. So take a break. Doesn't feel like rest. It feels like a threat to who I am. And so Kyle said this to me. He was like, have you ever thought about how you might even make more money if you just slow down and take more care of yourself? And science actually proves that that's the case. I told y' all I was reading the book called the Artist's Way. And one of the things that it, like, is built upon is when your brain rests. It consolidates learning. It makes creative connections, it produces. It processes emotions. And your best ideas typically come from space, not 16 hours of dopamine fumes. Elite athletes know that recovery is performance, and your business is the same. So what if the thing that feels like slowing down is the very thing that speeds everything up? Whoa. For the first time, I really heard it and I felt it. I can't wait to share with y' all kind of what I did to apply it and where I'm at now. So the hard part was being a mom in the middle of all this. And it's not a hard part. Like, I'm. It is the greatest honor. I mean, these boys. I can't even. I can't even. I can't even. I'm not even gonna keep saying anything about them because I'm just gonna cry my makeup off. And I have a couple more episodes I'm doing today. But I know that some of the most worth it work I'm gonna do on this planet is loving them and growing them and raising those kids. And so I had this person in my life, and they don't even know that I know. Maybe they'll listen to this one day. I'm not gonna call them out, but someone made a comment to someone else that I was a bad Mom. Cause I was on my phone and distracted and these things. And the thing is about this person is they have absolutely, positively no idea what my life actually looks like every day. And they're very quick to judge. And what I know is it has so much more to do about their life than it does with mine. But at the same time, they were making comments about how good of a mom I was, or lack of a good of a mom I was. And, you know, there's a couple things that you can do. One of my thoughts was, this doesn't have to do with me. They have some insecurities that they are working on. They see in my life, and they have decided what their picture and view of me is. And they have absolutely. Because they've not experienced it. They can't understand. They have not experienced carrying the weight and blessing nonetheless. But there's legitimately a lot of weight on my plate. I'm so grateful for it. I created. I'm not complaining about it. I love it. So I just want to preface it with that. But when you have 14 people on payroll, you have hundreds or thousands of clients, you have the two kids, you have the spouse, you have these friends, you have all these things, and you're trying to be a good job everywhere. It's freaking hard. And it's very quick for someone to be like, oh, she doesn't care about her kids. There is no. No one on the planet I love more than my family. I would lose. I would. I would shut down the entire business if it was like, pick the business or pick your family. I'm picking the family. Okay. I feel so much gratitude and love for these kids, and I love them. And I also love my business. You can love both, and I am here to prove to you that you can have both. And it might look messy in the middle. You might have some awakenings. When I heard that this person said what they said about me to someone else, and I had proof that they had said that I, number one, we are. I'm going to eliminate that person from my life. That. It's just like, that is not the type of energy. And there's no curiosity. Right. It's like, I'm going to make a judgment on you. I'm not going to say, hey, what is it like to try to balance, like, your work and the kids and all of this at once? Like, how are you doing? They didn't care about that. Right. They cared about their opinion anyway. Eliminating that person is the best move. It was perfect for a season, right? No judgment. Wishing them the absolute, absolute best. And it was an opportunity where I was like, I'm not a bad mom, but could I be a better mom? Are there things I wish I was doing that I could be better at? And absolutely. So here's what I want you to really think about. When someone says something that hurts you so bad, I want you to pause, and I want you to say, you can hold someone's misjudgment. You can be misunderstood and still ask the question, is there a piece of this that could inform how I change? Absolutely. That moment, combined with my emotional meltdown with my husband, led me to say, okay, I need help. I need someone to help me. I need to be able to set boundaries and not just say, I'm gonna set boundaries, but actually set the freaking boundaries so that I don't have to be on my phone or computer 24 7. I have to rewire my brain to be able to get enjoyment out of things other than having that phone in my hand. And so when I was honest with myself, I was like, okay, there's a few gaps. There are moments where I am physically present, but not mentally, where my body is on the floor with my kids, but my brain is thinking about a problem. And so the science. It's called contingent communication. UCLA research shows that kids don't just need physical proximity. They need a parent who's attuned and emotionally available. Not perfect, not 100% of the time, but consistently enough that the child feels seen. And so I was there. But, like, are there moments where I was there and not there at the same time? I think all of us could say yes. And that's not guilt. That is data. And data is how you make better decisions. I say it all the time in ads. Data makes decisions, and decisions make dollars. That's gonna help me make a better decision that will ultimately allow me to be more present with my family. That, at the end of the day, I think, will fuel more creativity and growth in the business anyway. So if you're listening and you feel this, let me tell you what I did about it and how you can think about it. So here's the questions I want you to ask yourself. If I slow down, won't everything fall apart? That is your addiction talking. If your business can't survive you resting, that is a structural problem worth solving. So what am I doing? I have seven open roles right now. I am willing to invest to. Not just like, at this point, what I'm doing is I'm actually trading profitability for Time. I'm like, at this point, I would rather have less profit and more time. We're still gonna have a profitable business. It's amazing. And there's a part where I'm like, I have a choice. And I could delegate some of the things so that I can be more present. Next question. Am I driven or addicted? That could be a good one. The question is, can you stop? Not do you want to, but can you actually. Can you spend a full day not doing the work and you don't feel anxious and you don't feel like you're having withdrawal? If so, okay, maybe you're just driven. That's amazing. Maybe you don't actually have a problem. Next question. Why do I feel guilty when I'm not working? The guilt is not moral. It is chemical. It is withdrawal wearing a costume, saying you're guilty. Right. Robert really liked that one. It was good. Okay. That guilt is not moral, is a chemical, and is withdrawal wearing a costume. And so you being able to say, can I not work and actually not feel guilty and be present in the moment. The next question is, what about my partner who does not get my drive? They don't have the level of love and passion and obsession and progress with their job, so they can't relate to the level of driven that I am. Maybe they have a job, maybe they love it, but they don't have the extreme level of just that I do. They might not understand the drive, but they can feel the absence. And both can be true. I'll say it again. They might not understand the drive, but they can feel your absence. And so at the end of the day, if I truly believe, if I really believe that my family is the most important thing, then I prioritize presence there, knowing that as a byproduct of being present there, I will be the person that can sustain and grow this eight figure company. Next question. Can I be great at business and a great parent and a great spouse? Yes. But not from compulsion. Only from choice. And it can't be con. It can't be instant either. I was like, well, let me zap and fix this. So everything that happened, the overworking, the realization, the hard conversations, none of that was failure. It was all data on where my baseline was. So I haven't solved it, I'm in it. But here's what I'm working on, naming the pool in real time. I'll be like, yep, that's a dopamine pool. I don't actually need to do this right now. Yes, I'm Feeling pain. It doesn't mean anything's wrong. It's just my body having to be rewired. I'm also redefining enough and measuring a good day based on presence more than output. I am getting a second pair of eyes with. With Emily. She's really helping me on how I'm thinking about my thoughts, and I'm letting discomfort exist. All I teach with my clients is enduring the discomfort that comes with running your own ads. So my work right now is enduring the comfort that comes with not working at all. And I'll be proud. I'm proud to report. Okay. My husband told me this past weekend was the most present that he can remember me with the kids, and that he saw it. Oh, my God. I'm not gonna cry. Hold on. He saw it. Like, he saw how present I was. And I literally. Can you look at the camera right now as I'm recording this if you're listening on the podcast? Because I'll cry. But I literally felt so connected to them. Like, they were, like, all up on me. And so I took my son to get. I left work early on Friday, like, at 12. I picked up Easton and I said, hey, buddy. I was like, do you want to go get ice cream? Do you want to go get lunch? Do you want to go get a toy? He said, I want to do all of it. Let's go have lunch, and then we'll go get a toy, and then we'll get ice cream. I was like, I love him. He's an. And he's like. He's like, it's not an Orworld mom. It's an. And so we went to Waffle House. We went to Target and got swords. He even got a matching sword for his brother, because Lord knows, if Easton came home with a blue sword and Parker didn't have a green one, it would be a whole ordeal. And then we went and got ice cream. And I asked him on the way home, I said, buddy, what was your favorite part of today? Was it the Waffle House? And he said, now, mom, you are my favorite part of my day. I'm like, well, this is on presence. I'm like, this is why the whole point of this business is to be able to help people, but also be able to be there for the people that I love. And. And that was just. That was rewiring my brain and proving to myself, you took a half day. You didn't work. You had presence. Nothing broke. Those little moments are me proving to myself that you can have both. And it Was so cool. So I just want to acknowledge if you're like, yeah, I love my work. Yeah, I probably have a problem. You might. And maybe some of this is helpful as you think about just being aware, taking action, setting boundaries. And then I got the brick, and I bricked eight hours this past weekend, meaning there were eight hours of the day where I could not get on social media. And so the thing I loved about it. Last thing I'll say, and then I'll see you on the next episode. Is the thing I loved about a brick is you can customize it and I'll link to it below this, but you can customize what apps you are or are not allowed to touch. And, man, the thing I love the most is by blocking myself out of certain apps for a certain period, I didn't even give my brain the option. It's like, it's simply not even an option to check this. So I actually didn't feel the pressure to check it because I knew it wasn't even an option. You know what I mean? So having that boundary was just so helpful for me. So if this made you feel something, just sit with it. You don't have to rush past it. Don't open your laptop and bury it with productivity like that kind of felt uncomfortable. Just really think about, is there something you could or should change in your business so that you can have both. And for everyone whoever says anything about you, just be okay being willing to be misunderstood, be okay saying some people were in your life for a season and for a reason, but it doesn't have to be forever. I'm really in the era of protecting my energy and my time, and you get to do the same thing, too. And, yeah, you have a choice. You have a choice. You don't have to live like this. You don't have to live in chaos. You don't have to live in frustration. There are choices that you can make that can give you the opportunity to be present in both. So if this resonated with you, I hope you just, like, let us know. Let me know on social media. And if you loved it, I would love if you would rate this episode. That's something we're working on. Is getting some great ratings for the podcast. So if this was helpful, I'd love it. Subscribe on YouTube if you're watching this. And I know this was not all about ads, this one, but we're gonna keep talking about ads. So in between now and the next time I see you, maybe I'll get to see you. In the challenge. Honestly, I don't even think I mentioned it. But there's a five day win with paid ads challenge where I can teach you how to become findable and win the paid ads. So go advertise your name, make it rain, and I will see you on the next episode.