MnM Vintage - The Challenge

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Marriage and Martinis" Episode – MnM Vintage: The Challenge

Episode Details:

• Title: MnM Vintage - The Challenge
• Hosts: Danielle & Adam
• Release Date: February 24, 2025

---

Introduction

After skipping the advertisements and initial greetings, Danielle and Adam dive directly into the episode's main content, setting the stage for an engaging discussion about enhancing their marriage through intentional challenges.

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Discovering Mutual Awareness

Adam begins the conversation by humorously admitting to snooping on Danielle's Instagram page, only to realize that their followers are already familiar with them. This leads to both hosts acknowledging how predictable they might appear to their audience:

• Adam (01:29): "I thought that was kind of funny, but I was kind of like, oh, do I have to go and like redo my answers now? You know, like, am I that predictable?"

Danielle reassures him, suggesting that while their followers may have anticipated certain aspects of their relationship, there’s still room for depth and authenticity in their discussions.

---

Introducing the 30-Day Challenge

Danielle proposes a transformative idea to address recurring frustrations in their marriage through actionable steps rather than mere conversations:

• Danielle (02:38): "I wanted to do a 30-day challenge where we come up with something for the other person to do, to work on in whatever ways we'll get the results that we're looking for."

They agree to kick off this initiative the following Monday, emphasizing the importance of timing now that their household and children’s routines are more settled.

---

Runner-Up Challenges

Before diving into their primary challenges, Danielle and Adam discuss their runner-up challenges, which aim to alleviate the mental load in their household.

1. Mental Load Management:

   • Adam: Suggests creating comprehensive lists of tasks each partner handles, promoting awareness and redistribution.
   • Danielle (06:50): "It's just back to that mental load of. It would be nice to know you're working on it to figure out, hey, what is he really doing that I don't know, I'm not even aware of?"

2. Meal Prep Responsibility:

   • Danielle (08:05): Challenges Adam to take charge of all meal-related responsibilities for 30 days, highlighting the overwhelming nature of managing diverse dietary needs for their children and pets.
   • Adam (10:16): Ponders practical solutions, like meal prepping or minimizing takeout, but acknowledges the complexity Danielle faces.

Notable Quote:

• Danielle (09:08): "I just can't stand being in charge of it. Like, I really can't stand. I don't, I don't like it like that." (09:08)

Despite playful banter and resistance, both acknowledge the significance of these challenges in balancing their domestic responsibilities.

---

Main Challenges Unveiled

Adam's Challenge: Finance 101

Title: Finance 101
Description: Implementing a 30-day budget plan without the use of credit cards to foster financial discipline and reduce stress.

Challenges Discussed:

• Budgeting Skills: Adam admits his previous attempt failed due to lack of planning.
  • Adam (29:56): "I just threw up my. You know, I had no. I was out of ideas."

Recommendations:

• Danielle: Encourages thorough research and practical application using budgeting apps.
  • Danielle (32:30): "You have to."

Notable Quote:

• Adam (32:18): "We're all good. So I want to, for 30 days, be on a budget that we spend money that we have, and we cannot use a credit card for 30 days."

Danielle's Challenge: You Don't Bring Me Flowers

Title: You Don’t Bring Me Flowers
Description: Enhancing romance, intimacy, and emotional connection by fostering daily affectionate interactions beyond scheduled dates and holidays.

Challenges Discussed:

• Emotional Intimacy: Danielle expresses the need for Adam to initiate affection and emotional connections regularly.
  • Danielle (48:37): "I have to remind myself of that sometimes, you know, that. That it's just Adam. That's just the way he is."

Recommendations:

• Adam: Agrees to be more proactive and attentive, acknowledging the need for mutual effort.
  • Adam (61:08): "I think our challenges coincide with each other, and as we're both working on them and doing our part, it's going to happen."

Notable Quote:

• Danielle (50:52): "You don't bring me flowers. You don't sing me love songs... it's all about how relationships change and how people treat each other changes in relationships."

---

Mutual Commitment and Benefits

Both hosts emphasize how these challenges are designed to not only improve their relationship but also set a positive example for their children.

Benefits Highlighted:

• Enhanced Communication: Building deeper emotional connections.
• Financial Stability: Reducing stress through disciplined budgeting.
• Positive Role Modeling: Demonstrating balanced responsibilities and affectionate interactions for their kids.

Danielle (70:21): "I think that they think we are in love, you know, they know we're in love, and we love each other."

Adam (73:17): "I think it's a good part here to say I think our challenges coincide with each other, and as we're both working on them and doing our part, it's going to happen."

---

Conclusion and Future Plans

Danielle and Adam conclude by agreeing to undertake their respective challenges together, planning to revisit their progress in a follow-up episode approximately a month later. They also encourage listeners to engage with their content and consider participating in similar challenges to strengthen their own relationships.

Final Remarks:

• Danielle: Encourages listeners to try the challenges and explore their resources for relationship improvement.

  • Danielle (73:52): "Marriagemartinis.com... Reconnect for 15% off or E check in for 15% off the ebook."

• Adam: Expresses optimism and mutual support for the challenges ahead.

  • Adam (73:23): "We'll see how it goes."

---

Key Takeaways

1. Intentional Effort: Addressing marriage challenges requires proactive and structured efforts, such as setting specific goals and challenges.
2. Mutual Understanding: Open communication about each partner's frustrations and aspirations is crucial for meaningful change.
3. Balanced Responsibilities: Sharing domestic and emotional responsibilities fosters a healthier and more equitable relationship.
4. Role Modeling: Demonstrating a strong, affectionate partnership positively influences children’s perceptions of relationships.
5. Continuous Growth: Committing to ongoing personal and relational development strengthens marital bonds over time.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Danielle (02:38): "It would be nice to actually walk the walk with some of the things that I know that we are frustrated with about each other..."
• Adam (32:18): "I just want to, for 30 days, be on a budget that we spend money that we have, and we cannot use a credit card for 30 days."
• Danielle (50:52): "You don't bring me flowers. You don't sing me love songs... it's all about how relationships change and how people treat each other changes in relationships."
• Adam (61:08): "I think our challenges coincide with each other, and as we're both working on them and doing our part, it's going to happen."
• Danielle (73:52): "Marriagemartinis.com... Reconnect for 15% off or E check in for 15% off the ebook."

---

This episode offers a candid exploration of relationship dynamics, emphasizing the importance of intentional actions and mutual support in fostering a strong, loving marriage.

Transcript

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[Adam]

Hey, everybody. Welcome to marriage and martinis. I'm Adam. Here's Danielle.

[Danielle]

Hello.

[Adam]

Aren't you all sprite? Sprite happy and peppy?

[Danielle]

You're more nervous about this.

[Adam]

A little bit.

[Danielle]

A little bit.

[Adam]

No, it's good.

[Danielle]

Has it been keeping you up at night?

[Adam]

I mean. Yeah. For how long?

[Danielle]

Okay. Oh, boy.

[Adam]

So it's funny, I went, I, I snooped on the Instagram page and. The Instagram page. Is that how you say the Instagram page? I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I was snooping on there and ironically enough. Wow. People know me, huh?

[Danielle]

They know both of us, right? Exactly.

[Adam]

I thought that was kind of funny, but I was kind of like, oh, do I have to go and like redo my answers now? You know, like, am I that predictable? And it's gonna be like, boring. Because it's like, oh, of course, Adam, you know.

[Danielle]

No, I think that it's. Look, I know what your. I don't know what your runner up challenges are gonna be, but I know what your ultimate challenge is gonna be. I mean, it's a no brainer, but yeah, there wasn't a lot of diversity in the, in the comments for what people think your challenge is going to be for me.

[Adam]

Right. All right, so do you want to kind of explain? I mean, not everybody watches Instagram, so.

[Danielle]

Watches Instagram.

[Adam]

Right. Well, it's a story. You watch the story.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right.

[Adam]

I don't.

[Danielle]

So I've been wanting to do this for a while. Basically I wanted to come up with sort of a challenge for each other, like an actionable challenge, rather than constantly just talking about things. Because talking about things is great, obviously, but it would be nice to like actually walk the walk with some of the things that I know that we are frustrated with about each other or get frustrated with about each other. And so I thought it would be cool to do a 30 day challenge where we come up with something for the other person to do, to work on in whatever ways we'll get the results that we're looking for. So I asked you, and I came up with two runner up challenges that would have been good also. And then a final challenge, which will be what we'll do for the next 30 days, I guess, starting tomorrow, which is a Monday, which makes sense. Everything starts on a Monday.

[Adam]

My challenge is. Well, no, it's Yom Kippur. So, you know.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, it's the day of atonement. That's perfect. Yes.

[Adam]

You're supposed to rest. Well, unless that's my challenge.

[Danielle]

Like, I'm supposed to restone.

[Adam]

Am I supposed to rest more? Is that my challenge?

[Danielle]

Yeah, you're supposed to atone. You should be atoning all day.

[Adam]

No, it's a good idea because we can actually. Instead of just fighting about things and just here's my side and yours, your side. We're actually doing something about it.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So, yeah, hopefully, I think that it's good. I mean, it's 30 days. Like, hopefully it will lead to us getting into a groove of doing things differently. I think we'll both need to put a good amount of effort into what we're doing, but also the timing is good. Look, we're. We're a little more settled now. I know. Always hits the fan. We just did the waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I'm not saying that it's going to be smooth sailing from here on out, that's for damn sure. But we're a little more settled in the house. All three kids are a little more settled in their schools. And I just think the timing is good. And so. Yeah. So I feel like it's a. It's a good time to do it. So.

[Adam]

So.

[Danielle]

So you want to start with the runner up challenges?

[Adam]

We need one of those. One of those guys that sit like at a boxing ring on the side and ring the bell.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Like, ding, ding, ding. Here we go. Put up. Put up them dukes.

[Danielle]

It's not gonna be that bad, I don't think.

[Adam]

All right, good.

[Danielle]

I mean, there's. I don't think there's gonna be any true surprises.

[Adam]

Right, Right.

[Danielle]

I don't think.

[Adam]

No, I don't either.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

All right, So I. I can't wait to hear. So what you want to start with the runner up challenges?

[Danielle]

Yeah. What was your second runner up?

[Adam]

My second runner up. Which this is more of. I don't know. It's not really a challenge. It's more of like a mental load thing that I think you and I could both do maybe as like our second mental load episode or Something our fourth.

[Danielle]

Fourth.

[Adam]

Yeah, whatever.

[Danielle]

Mental load episode.

[Adam]

Yeah, but I thought it was a good idea of, to actually like write out a list. Like, I would love to see a list from you of the things that I do that you don't help and vice versa. You would write the list like every.

[Danielle]

Day for 30 days.

[Adam]

No, that's what I'm saying. Maybe it's not so much a 30 day challenge, but it's, you know, it would make a better insight. It kind of follows the routine of this episode of actually doing something about it and not just bitching to each other about, well, I do this and you, you know what I mean? And maybe like say, oh shit, I didn't realize, you know, that's not on my list. Explain to me, you know, and we'd find that out and oh, maybe he or she does need help with that, you know, that kind of thing. To actually write it out and make a list. Yeah, you know, so like, yeah, so it's a challenge, you know, it's kind of, it fits this theme, you know. But I think that would be a good idea because, you know, it's, it's just back to that mental load of. It would be nice to know you're working on it to figure out, hey, what is he really doing that I don't know, I'm not even aware of? Maybe, you know.

[Danielle]

Yeah, well, that's what experts of the mental load say you're supposed to. That's the first step of kind of, you know, figuring out the balance of the mental load and domestic labor is a purge that you're supposed to just kind of free write all the things that you're doing, keep track in a journal and everything, and then sit down and go over it and then talk about, wait a minute. Well, why does it make sense that I'm the one who's picking our son up on Wednesday at 6pm when that's when you come home from work and you could swing by and, you know, that's the first step to figuring out, like, how can we resolve some of these things and actually fair play. Eva Eve Rodsky, who wrote Fair Play and came up with the Fair Play game, they have a card game where you literally put out cards of tasks that you do and can kind of switch them between you to, you know, to sort of switch things up. And, you know, I would take out the trash and you would do one of the things I do.

[Adam]

I do it all. You have no example. See?

[Danielle]

Yeah, but yeah, I think that's, I think that's that's good. Yeah.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

I think 30 days would be.

[Adam]

Yeah, it doesn't have to be 30 days.

[Danielle]

I don't know if there's enough paper in the world for everything I'd have to write down. Okay, well, my runner up challenge was a little similar, kind of different, but I wanted you. I mean, I'd love to do this anyway. I'd love you to for 30 days be in charge of meals and all food related stuff in our house. So, you know, I just, I don't think you understand or people understand if you're not the one who's in charge of the meals and the snacks and the dog treats. Cat treats, cat food, dog food. You know, balancing. Can they doordash? Can they not. Not the cats, but the people, kids, you know, can they doordash? Well, it's easier for me if they doordash, but I know it's a lot of money and all like the contemplating every day like this whole three meals a day thing needs to be re. Thunk. Yeah, it's a lot.

[Adam]

Lunch doesn't count.

[Danielle]

Well, now it doesn't. Now our kids eat lunch at school. But don't say it doesn't count.

[Adam]

Oh, right, we had to make lunch.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Last year our son would. It would be like pickles and turkey on, you know, on bread with whatever. And then if I didn't have pickles, he wouldn't eat that sandwich. So I'd have to figure out something else. And so, yeah, it is, it sucks. You know, it is constant. Especially when, you know, the kids have friends over and they're like, we don't have any snacks. And you open up the pantry and there's a fucking million snacks. It's just not the snacks they wanted. So it like to. To think about all of that every single night. And I don't, I'm, I don't cook. I mean, I have cooked in the past. Like I go through phases, but nobody, none of our kids eat the same thing. So if I'm cooking, it's. I don't want that. I don't, I don't like it like that. That's not the way you usually make it. Like it's a pain in the ass.

[Adam]

We should go back to, you know, the old school ways. It's, you know, you sit down and you eat your fucking food and you don't get up until you're done. Right. Would that work?

[Danielle]

It wouldn't. I wish. But also, you know, with the pets too. I mean, we have our pets, our dogs. I Mean, you would never know that Billy was born in a landfill and like ate scraps for the first year of his life. Because if it's not, you know, an exact type of food with an exact type of topper and this and that, he doesn't eat. So. And during the day when I'm trying to get work done and he's barking at me, what do I. I'm giving him a bone or a treat or, you know, whatever. So it's just the fucking burden of food drives me insane. I can't stand being in charge of it. Like, I really can't stand. You know, my friend wrote a meme. I reposted it last week. I think I repost it like once every six months. Like, being in charge of what everybody eats every day for the next 18 years and beyond is fucking ridiculous.

[Adam]

Yeah, they call me twice a week on my way home from work. Three times a week. Can you stop and get, you know, can you bring home, can you go? I'm like, you know, no, yeah, I know. It's, you know, we're not getting takeout for dinner every night. We're not. I'm not stopping to bring home.

[Danielle]

I know, I know. Yeah, I know. Sucks. So anyway, that was my challenge, my runner up. I mean, but how would I even do that on a Sunday?

[Adam]

Yeah, but you're saying every day of.

[Danielle]

The week, like, no, you would have everything prepped out and figured out.

[Adam]

Oh, yeah.

[Danielle]

I'm serious.

[Adam]

I'm meal prepping.

[Danielle]

No, you're not. You don't even. It's not necessarily meal prepping. It's okay. Can we order in? What, one night? Which night when we're not ordering in? I don't know. What are we eating? What is, what's. What are you stocking the fridge with? Are you grocery shopping? And. Oh, and I saw, I did a statistic that 80% of women still do all the meal prep in the homes, even in the homes that don't have children. So you know that it's not because these aren't all stay at home moms. And even if they are, I don't know, why do we have to be in charge of the food every single meal of every single day? And 80% of women do the food shopping. And in homes without kids, around 65% of women do the food shopping. So we're still picking up the brunt of all the food related stuff.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

And I love to eat, but I hate the whole food fiasco.

[Adam]

Okay, well, that was just a runner up, so I don't have to.

[Danielle]

Maybe next time.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

I still would like you to do it.

[Adam]

What? Oh, did the food. Yeah, I'm sure. All right, runner up number one. All right, so back to Instagram. This was a. This was a big. Can you think of what it would. What it would be? Not my number one, but the runner up.

[Danielle]

The runner up for me.

[Adam]

Yeah. By.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

It was on there, you know, as.

[Danielle]

People were guessing something about. Well, there. Here's the thing. There are a few things that I know you would say, but I don't know if you'll say them in front of an audience.

[Adam]

Right, right.

[Danielle]

Like, I am sure one of them is clean the house more and keep it. Oh, you did say that. Oh, you got balls.

[Adam]

I'm okay saying that, and here's why. Because with all due respect, you are a stay at home mom.

[Danielle]

Oh, for the love of fucking God.

[Adam]

If I was the stay at home dad, I would be responsible for this stuff.

[Danielle]

I'm a work from home mom.

[Adam]

Okay, I. I understand if, if this, if the situation was reversed. This is not a male versus female debate. This is. If this situation was reversed, I would be in charge of this stuff. So this is not like, put the woman in the house and make her clique. Like, that's. This is not what that's about. It's, you know, it's the situation we're in. Does that make sense? And that's why I'm okay saying this.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

But it's not even, like, about, like, cleaning the house more and, like, mopping and dust. Like, that's not what I'm talking about. Like, it's more the, you know, the kitchen sink is. It's overflowing every day. It's like once a week, you know, my fault.

[Danielle]

Sink small.

[Adam]

What?

[Danielle]

Nothing.

[Adam]

I didn't get it.

[Danielle]

I said it's not my fault the sink is small.

[Adam]

Oh, right. But, like, the dishwasher is right there instead of. And with the kids, too. This is not just you. I mean, you know, this is your challenge, not the kids. But they should be doing this too, obviously. And I yell at them all the time because they don't. That everything just gets piled up in there and it stays there for the week until one of us decide to do the dishwasher. Same thing with, like, the piles of laundry all over the house. You know, I know you got a ton of laundry to do. You should be having the boys do it. I know, I know. It's easier said than done, but it's a challenge. That's what this Is, I think since.

[Danielle]

We moved into the house, I've been good.

[Adam]

I mean, I think you're always good.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, Okay.

[Adam]

I mean, but walk into any room, there's a pile of laundry on the floor somewhere, you know, and it's never in.

[Danielle]

It's folded right.

[Adam]

But then, you know, in the mornings, it's where the. Is, where's my clothes, where's this? You know, and, you know, kicking over to find things and then, you know, that kind of stuff. Well, I would love to see a challenge of just that not happening for 30 days. Like, all put away everything all the time.

[Danielle]

Huh. Huh?

[Adam]

Don't you think, like, if I was to stay at home, don't you think that would be done or. No, like, I'm saying this not as, like, being an asshole. Like, why can't you just fucking do it?

[Danielle]

Well, except that my days are pretty crazy. I know that you don't get that and you don't think that, but it is true.

[Adam]

I'm sure it is. Yeah, but I'm sure you have time to do it, too.

[Danielle]

But I do. I mean, I do. The kids. No, I think actually you're wrong. Since the. Since they started school and now they have a dress code, so they're wearing khakis and button downs and everything. And I even bought one of those fucking steamers, and I'm like, in the morning, I'm, like, steaming shit so we don't have to, like, spend money steam sending everything to the dry cleaners.

[Adam]

Don't get ahead of this.

[Danielle]

And they've. They have had stuff to wear every single day.

[Adam]

I'm not saying they don't have stuff to wear.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

That was not the point. I never even said that.

[Danielle]

Okay, Right. Well, that's another thing with the. That it would be nice to have you take over the. I said to you last night, like, I. I am in charge of all their clothes and everything. It is a lot.

[Adam]

Put it on your list.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

All right.

[Danielle]

We should just. You know what we should do? We should each make a list and then go and get them tattooed on our backs.

[Adam]

Wonderful.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Love it.

[Danielle]

Yeah. So that we. Anytime that you'd be like, you didn't do this. I'll, like, pull up my shirt and be like, but look, I did all this.

[Adam]

So then if one of us takes it over, do we cross out with the tattoo, like, in a line tattoo through it? Like, it's a weird.

[Danielle]

Sure.

[Adam]

All right, I want to hear yours, but let's take a break and we'll be Right back.

[Danielle]

Okay.

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[Danielle]

Okay, so what do you think my runner up challenge number one would be for you?

[Adam]

Oh my God, there's so many. I already heard a bunch of them too. I don't know. I think the runner up is going to be the explore more women thing.

[Danielle]

I mean not explore more women, bring.

[Adam]

Them home, you know. No, like to. I, I was kind of saying, thinking, is that your top one? But I'm like, nah, probably not. I think there's something more. So I think number two is to, you know, research more women. Research more women in power, research more podcasts and all that stuff. Was that right?

[Danielle]

Yeah, yeah, that was. And, and it was very hard not for me not to make that the actual challenge, but also, yeah, I think I got bigger fish to fry.

[Adam]

But that's what I thought it was too obvious. Even though mine, the obvious one, you know, is it. But yeah, I figured there was something else.

[Danielle]

I, you know, always saying that I want you to have more female con, you know, female center content in your life. And I think, I think overall that that is one of the great disconnects that men set themselves up for in understanding the female experience and like truly relating to their female partners. Because so much of what I think you guys consume and we kind of don't have a choice, right? Like we just live in a male centric universe as women. But so much of what you guys listen to comes from a male centric place. And, and, and I'm starting to see it even with Ian, our 15 year old son, right? He, he ordered all these posters for his room of singers that he likes, artists that he likes and everything and framed them as like his decoration. Not one woman on the wall. And I got a little pissed and I was sort of like that. I, I don't like this. I don't like that everything is coming from this place. I think it causes a huge disconnect and I think that a lot of what women have to say, not just about our experience, but about the world and the universe in general is really, really fucking important. And when you're not getting that, when you're only getting from the, dare I say, the Joe Rogans of the world and everything, and even if it's not a Joe Rogan, whoever it is, it is a different experience. And I just feel like that is there, that you guys are not only depriving yourselves, I think, of really awesome art and discourse and history and all of that, but you're depriving yourself the chance to really relate, if you have a female partner, to that female partner on a really deep level. And I hate that. And besides the fact that you guys are just missing out on so much good shit. But no, I agree with all that.

[Adam]

And could some. Some of it stem from just talking for me? I mean, you know, I don't really have. Like, I don't go out with guys. I don't get together with guys a lot. Like, I'm. It's. I'm home. I'm with you. Like, I'm experiencing the woman empowerment and situation by living with you. That's what. I get it. And I just need to just, you know, be a dude and be stupid and, like, listen to guys talking and, like, feel like I'm in the conversation, just kind of hanging, you know what I mean? Like, looking for that male bonding experience, which I don't get on a regular basis, that I'm, you know, kind of yearning for or whatever. And that could have something to do with it. It's. It's not a conscious thought. It literally just popped into my head that that's a possibility, but I don't know. I. Trust me, I'm not against women performers in any way or intellects or, you know, whatever.

[Danielle]

No, I know that.

[Adam]

And I. If I see something and love it, I listen to it or watch it, you know?

[Danielle]

I know, but if you're not being exposed to it, it's sort of like, you know, when you. If there's an album and, like, you know, you listen to one song and you never listen to the other songs, and you don't know if the whole album is good or not. Like, it's that kind of thing, you know, it takes. You need to give it a chance and be opened up to it. And that might also, on the other end of that, b. Why, you know, Ian always said, you know, you. You call our art in the house dorm art, right? Because I have so much stuff that is either about women or about the lgbtq.

[Adam]

It's because it's like, it's like a poster you bought from Target and put it in a Target frame.

[Danielle]

I don't buy. No, it's not from Target, from Etsy, I'm saying.

[Adam]

But the look of it, like, imagine, you know, that that's, that's what I was saying. Not the content.

[Danielle]

Well, the content is what should matter.

[Adam]

My opinion stands.

[Danielle]

But, but maybe that's why I'm so adamant about having that stuff around the house, is because I feel like if I don't put it out there, you guys are never going to consume it. I do put it out there.

[Adam]

That's what I'm saying.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam]

So you put it out there. So what do you need the art for?

[Danielle]

No, I'm, that's how I put it out.

[Adam]

That's not the only way.

[Danielle]

I know, I know. I do a lot of. I know, I know. I try to in the moment. Yes, 100. But I, I, I got upset when, you know, Ian ordered all that stuff. Look, Ian is such a, he really is such a sensitive, emotionally intelligent, like, gentle soul. He's, I'm not worried about him being this like, masochist or anything in any way, shape or form, but I do think that, you know, when you guys bond, you bond over male centric music and everything, which is fine. But actually he did say to me, mom, will you make, you should make me a playlist of female artists and everything. But I know, you know, he's not gonna, if I don't put on, if it's not all like Lauryn Hill or something, he's not gonna care to listen to it. So I just, it's just, it's frustrating me because, because obviously female centered content drives our society in so many ways, but like, there's such this lapse in understanding from men because they're just like, well, I don't relate. So I'm not gonna consume it rather than I want to relate and therefore I'm going to consume it. Does that make sense? And so I guess the second is what I'm wishing there would be more of. And I can't, I'm not responsible. You know, I always say about a lot, you know, people who I don't like to hang out with or whatever, or I'm always, you know, my therapist always says you're not, you're not married to them and you're not raising them, so just, they're not your issue. Right. But I, I do have men in my little. And boys in my, you know, home family that I Want to. I want it to be different. And this summer, you know, between Beyonce touring Pink, touring Taylor Swift, the Barbie movie, like, obviously, female content is a huge draw for people, and. And maybe society doesn't give it always the emphasis it deserves, but actually, 48% of Taylor Swift fans identify as male, but only around 20% of her concert audience were men. So I just feel like, yeah, you can say, oh, yeah, I like Taylor Swift. You know, it doesn't mean anything, but I think that. That the experience of going to a tail, and I. And I know a lot of men who took their kids to Taylor Swift, which I love. I think it's awesome. Or Beyonce or Pink or whatever. Or the Barbie movie.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

Like, you saw the Barbie movie and everything. And I just think that it. Oh, that's a train.

[Adam]

I think it's a train.

[Danielle]

Oh, thank God. It sounded like something terrible.

[Adam]

A plane.

[Danielle]

Yeah. But anyway, I just. I just wish that there would be more of a continuous digestion, I guess, of female content by men. And here's one. Just one little tiny morsel of proof that it does help for men to consume this stuff is that 63% of men who saw the Barbie movie said that the Barbie movie made them more aware of how patriarchy impacts women. And that helps to prove that consuming female centric content does help men understand the female experience more. And so, yeah, so that would be my.

[Adam]

That wasn't, like, the top. That was like a whole.

[Danielle]

I want it to be the top, but I can't waste it on that. I mean, not be wasted, but, you know.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

All right. Thanks, guys. That was fun. Have a nice day.

[Danielle]

So now we get to the good stuff. Yep. All right, how do I, like, take a breathe? You want to do, like, a breathing exercise first or something? Say, yoga meditation? You want me to put on some, like, some female empowerment?

[Adam]

Oh, you know what? I was watching, you know those stupid shows that are, like, the best of the 90s, like, you know. Yeah. Heartthrobbers of the 90s and music of the Night. Like, those shows that were like, you know, I'm talking about.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Like, they used to have them on VH1.

[Adam]

Yeah. Like, that kind of stuff. There was one on Hulu, and they. They were, you know, they were talking about rap artists of the 90s and everything. They. They. They did a whole thing on Queen Latifah and, like, showing her videos and everything. I was like, God damn, that was so good, like, listening to that. It's like, we got to put that on in the Hat, like, it was like. Like it's such a throwback. I mean. And, you know, look at her now, too. I mean, yeah, I don't want to do a whole thing about Queen Latifah, but, like, it was just, you know.

[Danielle]

I know.

[Adam]

Feeling the empowerment.

[Danielle]

Yes. Well, okay. Thank you. Well, and it's funny.

[Adam]

Am I done? Did I win the challenge?

[Danielle]

The other night, you and I were laying in bed next to each other scrolling TikTok separately, as all good couples do. And I look, I was like, kind of glancing at what was coming up because first of all, oh, my God. And second of all, I said to you, do you realize not one female has come across your TikTok feed? Not one. Swiping. We're sitting there swiping for like 30 minutes. I said, not one. And you were like, oh, well, then how am I. You know, obviously, the algorithm knows. You obviously don't give a shit about female content. That's not what you're liking. You're swiping up on all of it or whatever. You know, you're whatever. And. And then you. You swipe to the next one and you're like, oh, look. And it was Kate McKinnon dressed as Justin Bieber. So. Yeah. So it just goes to.

[Adam]

Well, I fixed my algorithm. There's tons of women on my TikTok.

[Danielle]

Are they all naked?

[Adam]

It was Miss America pageants.

[Danielle]

Yeah, exactly. Oh, God. All right, so final challenge. So a little bit. This one I wanted us to go deeper into. Right. So I wanted us to kind of make up a title. Did you do that?

[Adam]

Uh huh. I got a good one.

[Danielle]

Oh, good. I asked overall description of the challenge, recommendations or ideas for how each other can successfully complete the challenge, and then I said, like, how are we going to update each other on our progress? What are our concerns for each other attempting the challenge, and how do we think we. This will benefit us and what is the ultimate goal? Okay, so. Okay, so you want to go first?

[Adam]

I. Sure. All right. No, my title is called Finance 101.

[Danielle]

Oh, God.

[Adam]

So after reading through Instagram, you know, it's already demeaning.

[Danielle]

I'm surprised you didn't say Finance for Dummies.

[Adam]

No, I was gonna say Finance 101 for Danielle or Danielle style or something, but I didn't want to be, you know, condescending to you.

[Danielle]

Oh, no.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

You're red.

[Adam]

Am I?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

So are you. I feel it. Yeah. Okay, so how. What do you want me to do? Like, get into what it is.

[Danielle]

I want you to talk about it, and we can go back and forth a little bit, but go ahead.

[Adam]

Okay. So I'll just outright say. Just say what the 30 day challenge is. And it's literally just getting on a budget. It's simple. Okay. No, no big. We're all good. So I want to, for 30 days, be on a budget that we spend money that we have, and we cannot use a credit card for 30 days. Now we need to. We need to backpedal a little bit because we tried this once. Right. And it didn't work, right?

[Danielle]

Oh, no, it did not work right.

[Adam]

Cause I just threw up my. You know, I had no. I was out of ideas. I didn't know what to do. And I was like, here's how much you're spending. Here's your card. This is it. Anything happens, don't call me. Did not work out. So I. I kind of want to revisit what we had done, but have a conversation about it and figure it out together how we're gonna do it.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

So are you not using a credit card for 30 days too, or just me?

[Adam]

This is your challenge. I mean, I. What the fuck? What will I spend? Like, I spend money on our bills, like, in food. Like, so I'm not, you know, I'm not concerned about me at this point anymore. Yes. At some one point I was. What's the matter? Oh, you are. You think I doesn't matter?

[Danielle]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not it at all.

[Adam]

Okay. So the challenge is you need to research this. How do you do a budget? How do I understand financial spreadsheets? Yep. How do I do a financial spreadsheet? How do I know how much I have and how much I can spend? How do I look in the app? How do I know? Like, how do I know what's there? And make choices about what you're spending the money on.

[Danielle]

There's an app.

[Adam]

Of course there's an app. Like a banking app?

[Danielle]

Well, I have the American Express app, and I earn boyness bonus points every. I am winning that game.

[Adam]

You sure are.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

And we don't fly fucking anywhere.

[Danielle]

Well, we could. That's all because of me. See, we wouldn't be able to fly anywhere if I didn't spend any money.

[Adam]

And you just said this before. You just said this yourself. Like, you are very good at solving problems by spending money. Like you just said it before. When Billy's barking in your face, you just throw treats at them. You know, like, that's a small example. Right. I understand the frustration. I Probably do the same fucking thing.

[Danielle]

No shit.

[Adam]

I get it. I understand. But, like, we have to buy all those treats. Like, we have to buy. And they're expensive.

[Danielle]

No shit.

[Adam]

No shit. So, you know, it's. It's understanding where. It's not blind spending. It's not like, okay, I need this. You know, I need. In air quotes, we need this. I buy it, like, without knowing. Can we buy it? Is the money there for it? Can we afford, like, those kinds of things? I don't know where you're at. You're just tearing me down.

[Danielle]

No, I'm. I'm taking it all in. Okay, this is good.

[Adam]

So that's the overall description.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Okay. And now recommendations. How you can be successful, Danielle. Is that what we're up to next? Okay, so I went through a couple of them already about researching how do I budget, how do I use a spreadsheet, how do I, you know, use the app? How do I know all that stuff, Researching that stuff.

[Danielle]

Just don't tell me to listen to Dave Ramsey or I'm leaving.

[Adam]

Oh, God, no.

[Danielle]

Okay, good.

[Adam]

No, no. Not a fan.

[Danielle]

Used to be.

[Adam]

Yeah, but in the beginning, like. Yeah, no.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

You know, it's all about just planning ahead, right? We're talking about the food. We're talking about the pet stuff. We're talking about, oh, you know, you spend all the money for our kids, right? And you always say that to me, like, what are you supposed to do? You spend everything. Like, so it's kind of. No, we have to know what are. What. Like, this week. What do we have to spend money on? Do you have to do grocery shopping? Do we have to. You know, do the boys need protractors and calculators and Trapper Keepers for school? Like, we need to know that. You know what I'm saying? Like, and it could be thrown at you. Who knows? But there needs to be a budget for that. Whose fucking luxury gift.

[Danielle]

No, I'm. I'm literally just listening. What do you. Wait, what? You're. You're. What's it called? You're projecting.

[Adam]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Danielle]

I'm not looking at you anyway, But.

[Adam]

So here's. Here's things Danielle could do.

[Danielle]

I like when you talk about me in the.

[Adam]

Like, you know, if you're spending more than you should. Examples like, you Instacart our groceries. If you went to the grocery store, which is now two minutes away, you'd probably spend. Well, you would spend less because it costs more on Instacart and you'd probably buy less Things. Because you're not just clicking.

[Danielle]

Oh, I think I buy more things because walking through the aisles, I'm like, really? That looks good.

[Adam]

No, but you're like, see it on the, on the website? And you're like, oh, yeah, sure. Click.

[Danielle]

No, that's not. I don't.

[Adam]

Do not you. I'm just saying one.

[Danielle]

No, I just do. Buy again all the stuff. Buy again, buy again, buy again.

[Adam]

Right. And we throw half of it out after the week.

[Danielle]

Well, that's because the kids are like, why isn't there any fruit in the house? And then I buy fruit, and a week later nobody's eating fruit.

[Adam]

Right? And that's why we don't buy fruit anymore.

[Danielle]

Oh, okay.

[Adam]

No, but, like, you know, I. I feel like if you. First of all, you know, you know, Instacart shopping is probably 20% more than grocery shopping, right? So there's that, like.

[Danielle]

But I'm saving gas by going there. All right, I'm just kidding. I'm sorry.

[Adam]

I love a little good female humor. Okay, how about this? We have. We have a machine. Make a latte.

[Danielle]

I did.

[Adam]

Don't doordash a latte. Make the latte. You know, and look, I know, like, that's a whole thing. This whole, like the whole what. What's the latest Generation Z? Something like, like they always say, like, okay, if I stop drinking lattes every day and then save the $5 a day, and then, yeah, I can afford a house in, you know, 35, 50, 60 year. You know, like, it's as a joke, but like, it's the small thing. Like you don't realize, you know, it's. That's one thing of so many things, you know, that would. You'll say the cats don't need more toys. They just don't. They play with the box, look around, see where you're spending. That makes no sense. That's what I'm saying. Where could you be spending less? You know, where. Where is it not necessary? And you bought all those things and then you're like, I have no money. And I was declined at the checkout lot. Like, no, I didn't. Yeah, I know. Of course you were.

[Danielle]

A long time ago.

[Adam]

Fifty dollar treats and, you know, and $50 toys. And we have a fucking hall of cat toys now. And you know what I'm saying?

[Danielle]

Like, it's a cat carnival.

[Adam]

Find the areas where maybe it doesn't make sense.

[Danielle]

No, I agree. So. So following this, and I know you have more to say, but following this, are we sitting down and Talking.

[Adam]

Of course I am here for you. I want to do this with you.

[Danielle]

You're my emotional support husband. Okay.

[Adam]

And then you asked about how should you keep me updated about the progress.

[Danielle]

And I guess you'll know.

[Adam]

Yeah, like, I don't need, like, you to show me the phone and be like, look, honey, like, I spent. I mean, that would be fine. Yeah, but I don't need it, is what I'm saying. Like, I'll know, you know, I'll know if it's not working out, you'll let me know, you know, I don't need the evidence. And my concerns about it I spoke about. We. We tried it before and it didn't work, but it was done the wrong way. Right. So if we did.

[Danielle]

Oh, yeah, that was way.

[Adam]

And. But this is gonna be a, you know, a big, big change. So I'm concerned. This is huge. I mean, this is like, what's been my. In all seriousness, what's been my stress for God knows how long? Right. Like, especially now we have major, major expenses. Right? So freaking out about it. So, like, I really want to make sure we do it together, do it right and make sure we get on a plan. And you asked how do I think this would benefit us as a family? Right. Well, the kids can keep going to school. That would be nice. But a lot of what you've been putting out there, as far as I, you know, problems with me, I think you've been putting. I don't. I'm not on Instagram a lot, but I think you've been putting it out there just from some messages that I saw. I would be a much, much happier person and nicer person to be around and more affectionate and more involved. I would be all those things.

[Danielle]

I don't believe that.

[Adam]

I don't think. I don't think even doing this, I'm going to be stress free of money. Nobody ever, most people never will, right? Even if we do this, we still have those fucking major expenses that we still need to figure out, right? But I think it would change me dramatically. And like, when we first. Just recently, when we first moved, wasn't I a little different than I am now when we were going through the process? And, like, don't you see a difference in who I was then versus who I am two months later? I see it in myself and I know that's why, because I'm freaking the fuck out, you know? So I really do believe I could be more of that person that you want me to be.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

I truly believe that and I will. I'll promise you that.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Okay. And if I don't, you can come up with some kind of punishment for me.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

Fucking, I don't know, go out with some women and leave me or whatever you want to do if you had enough of me.

[Danielle]

No, I. Okay.

[Adam]

But the ultimate goal for this is.

[Danielle]

Look, this is more frequent fireman.

[Adam]

It is not a third. It's a 30 day challenge, but it's to set us up.

[Danielle]

Sure.

[Adam]

For how we should really be behaving. Right. I mean, that's. That's the ultimate goal.

[Danielle]

It's to get into a groove.

[Adam]

Yes.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Like, to get into.

[Adam]

And to understand why. Like, I want you to understand why I'm feeling this way, why it should be this way. Like, you know, same as, you know, how deep it gets for you to want me to understand and appreciate a woman's point of view and their place in society and what, you know, all those things. Like, to get deep into it and have an understanding. It's the same thing. Like, I want you to be like, holy, this makes sense. This is what we should be doing. Right.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

And, oh, yeah, you asked what your prize would be, so I said if you complete the goal. So, I mean, honestly, whatever the you want. You can have anything you want. If you can make this happen. As long as you saved in your budget to buy that thing. Anything you want, as long as it's in your budget.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

See, that's like, like, if we said and I. This goes back to like, it's, it's a, it's a sketchy, weird, fine line of having a discussion like this. Like, it almost goes back to that conversation of, you know, talking about cleaning and, you know, you being a woman. And like, I'm like, here's your money that you're allowed to spend. This is your allowance. This is not that at all. Right. It's. You're in charge of spending on certain things. That's what this account is for. I'm in charge of spending money on certain things. That's what that account is for. That. That's all it is. Like, I don't want it to come across like, oh, he's a man and he needs to put his moment in place and, you know, have an allowance. Like, I don't want it to come across that course. You know, it's just, it's just having accounts for the right things, that's all.

[Danielle]

Yeah. And I like, look, I like this challenge. Obviously, we're at a different level with it. I mean, but if other people also want to do it, I think it'd be great. But on a different level, on it. Because in 30 days or, you know, in around a month, we're gonna come back and. And talk about it and, you know, and it is the type of thing where of course, I, you know, I wanna win, quite honestly.

[Adam]

And I know how competitive you are, and I really hope you win. I am rooting for you.

[Danielle]

No, I want you to win, too.

[Adam]

I will put on a cheerleader outfit.

[Danielle]

I don't need that.

[Adam]

And rah rah, you on the sidelines.

[Danielle]

Okay. Tell me I'm doing great.

[Adam]

So, look, that's it, right? Like, when I say that's it, it's not complex is what I'm saying. Like, it's. There's a lot to divulge here and a lot to get into. Just you and I, obviously, with conversations and doing this the right way, which I'm excited to do. Like, I. I know it was kind of up in the past and, like, because I was just. I didn't know what to do.

[Danielle]

Like, you were a jerk.

[Adam]

I used to be a jerk.

[Danielle]

I know, but about this. You were a jerk.

[Adam]

And I will be such the opposite of a jerk if we can. I'll be such a happy person.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

But even like you said to me.

[Danielle]

No, I want to do it. I very badly want to do it. I want to.

[Adam]

Do you think you can?

[Danielle]

Yeah, I do think I can. I think I can do anything if I put my mind to it. No, I really do. I. I want to do it. We need to do. Yes, absolutely.

[Adam]

Right. Like, in the past, we needed to do it. Now we need to fucking do it. You know? I mean, we have school expenses, and everybody knows what that is, Right? So, you know. All right, so that's not. That wasn't bad. I'm feeling. I told you I'm feeling okay.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Okay, so your face doesn't look great right now. Like, you look, like, very worried and stressed and.

[Adam]

Well, no, I mean, you know, I'm. I am excited to start the process.

[Danielle]

Good. Yeah, me too. Excited is the wrong word. I'm ready. I'm gung ho.

[Adam]

Good. So that went really well. I have a few more that I want you to see.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

All right. So. All right, so that's that. All right, let's take a break, and then we'll hear what you have to say.

[Danielle]

You know what it is?

[Adam]

You know, I don't even know if I do, because I. I figure. All right, doesn't matter. I'LL be right back. Wait a minute. I do know.

[Danielle]

Okay, maybe.

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[Danielle]

So obviously I have a lot in response. I would say not in a bad way at all. I am determined to do it. I see your stress and I know how much we have right now to, you know, all the expenses and everything and all the stuff we went through to move and everything. So I know. And I would just want you to know that I really, I really do intend to do it and that I love you.

[Adam]

I appreciate that.

[Danielle]

I don't want you to be stressed. I don't. I want to be in it together. But I will say certain things. Not again, not like in retaliation or anything, but just, just certain things I'll clarify in the follow up episode after I've done all the things and need to, you know, just want to, I want to hear. Yeah, you will.

[Adam]

I have to wait. Yeah.

[Danielle]

Okay. So my challenge. My challenge is weird. It was a weird one to plan. It's a weird one to talk about. It's a little vulnerable to talk about, quite honestly because it sounds a little pathetic. And, and I think that it's gonna be a difficult one to gauge and a difficult one to ask you to do because in some ways I feel like I'm like winding up a mechanical robot and like saying like, here's what I want you to do. And you know, like, but that's what this is. No, no, this one's different. Because you know, of course when you do things that come to me, I want it to be natural from you. Right. I want it to be something that's like in you and you want to do. And before I get into the name of the title and the name of the challenge and all of the things, it is more nerve wracking to do this way than to be on the receiving end.

[Adam]

Yeah, I'm feeling much better.

[Danielle]

I know you would think it'd be the other way around, but you know, that's when I say like, look, that being with a woman on so many levels makes so much sense to me, even though. And you know, I obviously love being married to you. I'm obviously super attracted to you and all those things, but to me, you.

[Adam]

Want to bring a woman home.

[Danielle]

No, listen to me. So for 30 days, I don't think, I don't know if it's innate or if we're just like so freaking conditioned differently this way, but I know that there's like a softness and a gentle way women have, or at least many of the women in my life that like just doesn't emanate in the same way personally to me from men, how I feel like I just don't think men have this same gift of lovingness and caretaking and all the things. Right. And I'm generalizing, obviously. I know, I'm sure there are many men out there that this isn't the case. I just am talking about my experience and, and I'm not. I love men. I have many men in my life who are extremely important to me. All of that. It just is. I feel like on a day to day basis when I am with women, I feel differently about myself than I feel when I'm with. With you.

[Adam]

A lot of the time on Instagram one, when you said you asked what do you think your 30 day challenge for me is going to be? Or. Yeah, wait, maybe. No, maybe it was what mine was going to be for you anyway. It was to get to the point.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Somebody said.

[Danielle]

I know somebody said that.

[Adam]

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[Danielle]

Okay, I'm going to get there. I'm going to get there. But I'm, I'm giving a little bit of a, of a background because like there's just. I just, I struggle with the whole. I do get a lot of this from the women in my life, but I want to get it from you. And, and I know you're saying a lot of this has to do with recently and the stress or whatever, but this is a long time. This Is something that, I think that has been a struggle for me with you for a very long time. I think since the beginning of our relationship.

[Adam]

What?

[Danielle]

Okay, so the title of the challenge is Based on the 1978 hit written by Neil diamond and performed by none other than Barbra Streisand. You don't bring me flowers. I don't want you to bring me flowers. But being we were born in 1977, it makes sense to use this title as the impetus. Do you know that song? You Don't Bring me flowers? You don't bring me flowers. You don't sing me love songs.

[Adam]

I don't think I do. And I love both of them.

[Danielle]

I don't talk to me anymore when I come to through the door.

[Adam]

If I heard it. I mean, aside from you singing it, I might.

[Danielle]

It's one of the great songs of the 70s, but basically, it's, it's, it's all about, you know, how it changes how relationships change and how people treat each other changes in relationships. And I, you know, I do feel like. I guess I feel a few ways. So I guess it's about romance. It's about intimacy. It's about a daily back and forth, like, connection that I think that you have become completely complacent with me being. I'm gonna cry 95 of. Of this relationship for a long time.

[Adam]

Emotionally. Is that what you're saying?

[Danielle]

Emotionally, with intimacy, with romance, with all of it. And it's, it upsets me a lot. And I really think it's because that I, I, I, I, like, I am. I have a lot of love in me. I am a very emotional person. I think that I make everyone who's around me feel very seen and loved. And I love to do it. And so I think when it comes to you, I have just taken on that role in our relationship. And I think that, you know, you probably think that it's fine because I love to do it, but I think what's fine that. That I'm the one who's, you know, in charge of all of that in our relationship.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

That if I didn't, you know, set it all in motion, nothing would happen. Or it would just be like the same thing over and over again. And in some ways, I think, like, we know or, you know, that no matter what happens in our relationship, you know, after a few weeks or a week or two weeks, we're gonna go out, we're gonna have a great time, we're gonna have great conversation, we're gonna come back, we're gonna have great sex. Like, all the stuff that you're just like, oh, well, we'll have that in a week or two, you know, like, it always comes back to that. We're good at that. But there's all this time in between where I'm feeling lonely or disconnected or, you know, because maybe you don't need that. I don't know how that's possible, but maybe you don't need that, or I shouldn't even say that you're getting that. I give that to you all the time. I think, like, from sun up until sundown. I am, like, right.

[Adam]

Am I supposed to be rebuttaling here? Because you didn't to me. So you said it was for the next episode. So I don't know.

[Danielle]

I. I mean, I just want to know if you are aware of that, if you see that.

[Adam]

I. I do. For the most part. I. I don't think it's, like, from sun up to sundown, like, you're the emotion. Like, you're not. No, I mean, I. I think sometimes you're very disconnected, and I think, well.

[Danielle]

I'm disconnected in response to you.

[Adam]

And I know because you're on your phone, like. Like, the kids say it too. So I don't think you're as involved as you think you are in that way. And sometimes it's like, okay, you know, mom. Or, you know, Daniel's on her phone. Like, no need to go talk to her now. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think what you're saying is correct. I mean, I understand what you're saying to the extent of it, I think maybe exaggerated a little bit, but I.

[Danielle]

Don'T think it's been exaggerated in, like, the last six months or so. I think that I am the one, like, who is reaching out and sending you texts. And sometimes they send you texts, and they even, like, go unresponded to.

[Adam]

I don't remember that happening.

[Danielle]

Okay, well, it has. And, you know, I think I initiate other than, like, on a Saturday night when we come back from going out, and it's, you know, I am the one. I'm, like, asking you to sleep with me. And I'm. I mean, when we have. I'm like, when we have sex, I'm like, even after I'm indulging you in some way. Physically correct. Yeah, exactly. And I just. I just think that you've become very complacent in that. And look, I don't think that, you know, sometimes I say to myself, is it me? Is he not attracted to me, is he? This? Is he. That. At the depths of things, I know that's not true.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

I do. But I have to remind myself of that sometimes, you know, that. That it's just Adam. That's just the way he is. He's just not built like this. But, like, I get one life. We get one life, and I don't want to go through it being the initiator. 90% of the time, I want to feel all those things, too. And quite honestly, it shouldn't be as much as I think in some ways, it is a friend's job, and, you know, people in your life to, you know, hype you up and make you feel that way. It. I shouldn't be reliant on that. And so I guess, you know, the challenge is to be all, like, To. To meet me halfway at least, but I guess for 30 days, to more than meet me halfway. And it's. It's a hard challenge because I don't want it to be in some kind of, you know, forceful manner. Yeah. Performative. You know, I. I think once you do it, I think you're gonna like it. Like, I think you're gonna like the way it makes you feel. I think you're gonna like the way it makes. You said, like, about you, that you're so stressed, and so it doesn't. You know, you're. You're not able to be as nice and as this it is that I'm gonna want to do things and make you. You know, I'm gonna feel good about myself, and that's gonna make me not. Not saying that, like, only you can make me feel good about myself. I do feel good about myself, but I'm gonna have that. Whatever that is that I need. And so I'll feel. I'll feel more present. I'll feel like I don't want to be looking at my phone because a conversation with you is, like, actually nice and means something. And it's not just, what'd you do at work today? Oh, good. What'd you do? Like, it doesn't get much deeper than that a lot of the time, and.

[Adam]

We gotta record more. I'm a better conversationalist. Well.

[Danielle]

Well, I think also that, you know, you say I'm on my phone or whatever, but you. You're sitting there, you turn the TV on as soon as you get home and everything, so it's not really any different.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

But I, you know, I don't know. I want, like, fucking, like, Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. I want.

[Adam]

All right, if somebody.

[Danielle]

I want your motto to be, what would Noah Calhoun do if somebody can.

[Adam]

Write us a script? And, you know, word for word.

[Danielle]

And, like.

[Adam]

Because that's all you're getting when you're looking on screen and say the perfect things all the right time.

[Danielle]

Come on. No, seriously, I. I just.

[Adam]

I understand.

[Danielle]

I think that because I am so. I have so much. I'm like. I'm not patting my own back. This is just the way it is. I think I'm like this with all the people I'm close with. I have. I'm so affectionate, and I'm so, you know, I think, loving and all of these things, and that's just how. That's just a comfortable place for me that you're just like, oh, yeah, that's just how she is. And so she can be in charge of that part of our relationship. And it sucks.

[Adam]

Okay?

[Danielle]

So, you know, and people always talk about, like, oh, what's your love language? Or whatever, And I hate that shit.

[Adam]

I don't even know what that means.

[Danielle]

You know, like, there's the five Love Languages. I think his name is Gary Chapman. Everyone always has asked us to do.

[Adam]

Well, it was a man, obviously, so it doesn't make sense.

[Danielle]

No, seriously, it's five Love Languages. And you read it and you decide, like, what's your love language? Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts. I want all fucking five. I don't want to pick, and I don't. I don't know why anybody's picking. Why are you picking one? I mean, unless that's really the only act of love that you, you know, that you're saying to your partner. And look a lot. It saved a lot of marriages, apparently. So I'm not. You know, that's great if. If your marriage has been saved by it. That's fantastic. But I'm not giving up any of those for one. And I don't know why we should be forced to. Like, we deserve all the things. And so, you know, so I've never done a. I've never read the book, and I've never done a Love Languages. We've never done a Love Languages episode. Because I don't want to. I don't want to limit our relationship to that. I want all the things. Like, I want a big love story, and I think that we have an incredible love story, but I think that. I think that gets. I think I'm. I. I sometimes am writing a lot of it.

[Adam]

You know, my. There was tons of things that I would love to say back to all those things you just said. And I'm not going to just like you didn't and, you know, just kind of reacting and saying, I understand, and it's something that we can. I think. I didn't mean. If you're still going, that's great.

[Danielle]

No, no, go ahead.

[Adam]

But I just think it's a good part here to say I think our challenges coincide with each other, and as we're both working on them and doing our part, it's going to happen. Yeah, both things will happen. You know, if I'm more loving to you, because I think you're really trying and understanding what I'm talking about and going through, I'm going to be those things for you. And if I'm those things to you, you're going to try harder to make sure that you're taking care of those things that are important to me for us. So I think it's like a, you know, it's. It's. It's a perfect, you know, marriage of a challenge. Right. I think they're going to kind of coincide with each other and feed off of each.

[Danielle]

I think most challenges. I think if most couples did this, it would. Right. Because you're both asking for something you really need, you know, and so therefore, I think it makes a lot of sense. But also, we talked about during the moving episodes during this move, you kept saying how different I was than all the other moves. And it was following us, going through all this stuff with finding schools for the kids and how involved you were with that. And I said, I'm so different during this move because you were so different and involved in the parenting aspect in a way you hadn't been before.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

So, you know, so that was the same kind of thing. And look, I don't. Again, I'm not. I'm not looking for, like, the flowers and this and that. I literally just want it to be something where you're aware if you're thinking of something, you say it, or I.

[Adam]

Know exactly all the things you're talking about.

[Danielle]

So it's not gonna be like, you're not gonna see, this is my concern. And obviously, this is such a weird challenge because I sound like I'm, like, you know, begging for attention, which I guess I fucking am. But, you know, I just. You know what I mean? Just. I. I don't know. Maybe people understand out there, maybe they don't.

[Adam]

I. I think it's okay that you're asking this. I. I Am. I am completely understanding what you're saying. And I want to feel like I want to do those things. And, you know, I want to do those things. I want to. I want us to be that way.

[Danielle]

Right. But this isn't something. And I know you keep going back to. You've been so stressed and this and that. You've never been great at this. And you've never, you know, always felt this. I think you felt this sense of. That's not my lane. Well, that's not my lane. That's not my zone of comfort. You know, you're very comfortable, like when we're in bed, to do all those things and say all the things.

[Adam]

Oh, see?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Say the things. I worked on that.

[Danielle]

Right.

[Adam]

Yes.

[Danielle]

But what I'm saying is I. That's the one. You know, when we're. I'm like, I'm not worried that you're not into me or whatever. Like, that's a zone of.

[Adam]

Right. Because I. Like, I even said to you, when we're having sex, when we are being affectionate with each other, when we're, you know, I lose all the stress. I lose thoughts.

[Danielle]

Of course you do, because I take great care of you.

[Adam]

I think I do the same.

[Danielle]

And I. Oh, come on. Yes. Last night you did.

[Adam]

Really?

[Danielle]

Yeah. Last night you did.

[Adam]

No, I know, but what did I do that was different?

[Danielle]

I even said to you, we'll get into it later. I'm not gonna do that.

[Adam]

That wasn't the point. But now I forgot the point. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Because when I'm. I'm just in it and I'm. Pardon the pun. I'm in you. You know, I'm into you and I'm feeling those things and saying those things and showing. You know what I mean? Like, so if I can, you know, for the most part, relieve myself. And if. Honestly, over the years, it's been forever, there's been a lot of resentment, which we've talked about between you and I. Me towards you and you towards me, that have, you know, had conflict. And I. I think we're past most of it. And if we can just get over some of these, I hope, like, kind of final humps of. Are those things. It would. We would have that. I think. I mean, I like.

[Danielle]

Like you just said, well, I have it. I do it. So it's not a we thing. I do all of the things. I am. I think I am. I think I am really, really good at making you feel wanted and loved and all of those things.

[Adam]

Yes, you are.

[Danielle]

Yes, thank you.

[Adam]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not defending, like, in any way. I'm just. I didn't even want to rebuttal at all, but I just. It became a conversation, but. 100. Yeah. I. I want to be. I want to be that person. I want to say again, but was I ever.

[Danielle]

No. No, never.

[Adam]

Sometimes.

[Danielle]

And again, I.

[Adam]

Sometimes.

[Danielle]

Yeah. On a Saturday night when we're out or we're in New York City or whatever. But guess what? We poor now. We're staying here, so it's got to happen in the house. So, you know, I just.

[Adam]

Yeah, it goes back to what I was saying before. Like, I. You know, I need. You know, I need something from you to be able to be that person. I can't. I can't be when I'm feeling resentment or I'm feeling stress or I'm feeling. You know what I mean? Like, I just can't. And I want to be. I really, truly want. And I show it. When, you know, we're. No, I don't. No, no, I'll show it better.

[Danielle]

You do. You know, you do sometimes, but I do not want to live a life of, you know, of opening, you know, getting a necklace on Valentine's Day and a spa gift card on Mother's Day and all of the. Like. I want to do those things. Exactly. Yes, I know. That's true.

[Adam]

I used to.

[Danielle]

But. But there's. I'm saying I want it to be a more like streamline, connected kind of ongoing thing, and. And not the staple. Oh, well, it's an upcoming holiday, so I'll get her this. Or I'll. Like. I don't. I just want it to be a state of being.

[Adam]

Right. That just. That's who we are. That's the way it is. Yeah, I hear you. I. Jimmy. Hear you. I accept.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Adam]

I want. I. I want it to be that. I really do.

[Danielle]

Okay. I mean, you get it. You have it, so. Yes. I want to feel what you're feeling.

[Adam]

What? Wait, what?

[Danielle]

You get it from me.

[Adam]

Oh.

[Danielle]

So, yes, I. If I were you, I would. Yeah.

[Adam]

So do you think I'm capable of.

[Danielle]

All the things I don't know.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

I don't know. Because I think, first of all, I think your upbringing has a lot to do with it. I. I just have to say that. And also, I think that you are very much. I'm just not that type of guy, you know? That's just not me. It's just not natural to me and Bo, and you get caught in that, and you. And you Use that sort of as, like, you know, this shield of. That's just. That's just not who I am. And that. That. So the answer to that, then, is I cannot live my life like that.

[Adam]

Right?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Adam]

Yeah, that. And I think that's why we both chose this as our challenge, because we can both not live our lives like this. Okay, so what do I do? What's the challenge? What's my 30 days?

[Danielle]

I don't know. Watch the Notebook and some other.

[Adam]

I love the Notebook.

[Danielle]

I know. Watch it again.

[Adam]

All right.

[Danielle]

This time. Yeah. No, I mean, obviously, that's not.

[Adam]

Like, do I research how to be a loving husband? I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[Danielle]

I'll write out an itinerary for you.

[Adam]

My only answer is, I guess I know what you're saying, and I want that for us. I. I think if it would happen.

[Danielle]

Know how to do it.

[Adam]

I think doing this 30 day challenge together, that both things are just gonna happen because they're happening. Like, it's. I don't want to say naturally, because we're putting work into it. I mean, you're putting more work into it than I am.

[Danielle]

I hope not.

[Adam]

But I. I don't think I'm gonna need the work. Like, if you're doing your work, I'm in. You know what I mean? Like.

[Danielle]

Right. Like, I plan every getaway, every this. Every. I'm not saying you need to take me on a getaway because I know we can't afford it, but I am just saying I see solving problems with spending money. No, but seriously, I. I take on that role, you know, to such a degree that it. Yeah, it's. Yeah. And you're gonna have to step out of your zone of comfort a little bit.

[Adam]

Oh, yeah, I am. That's okay.

[Danielle]

Okay, good.

[Adam]

I can do it.

[Danielle]

All right. So. So obviously, like, you with the. How does it benefit our family? You know, happy wife, happy life, all that. But no, I think that also for our kids, you know, I think that. I think that they think we are in love. You know, they know we're in love, and we love each other. And I don't think that there's a concern. I think it probably, at one point, there definitely was. You know, although they were very young, but. But I also think that. That I want my boys to see what it's like to treat a woman on an ongoing basis and.

[Adam]

Girl, too, huh? And your girl, too.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Mia, I'm not worried about. Mia is going to be very loving and find someone very Loving. And especially it's going to be a woman. So it's going to be much more easy. Not saying it's going to be perfect, but I think on a certain. To a certain level, I'm not saying the relationship will be easier. I think these aspects of the relationship will be easier. I'm sure there will be a whole lot of, you know, every relationship has its shit and that, but I do think this element of it. I just think women are wired differently. And I hate to say that, but I do.

[Adam]

No, I agree.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Or maybe not wired. Maybe we've been conditioned, whatever. No, you don't know that. You don't know that.

[Adam]

Of course I don't. I'm not.

[Danielle]

You have no research. Exactly. But, but. But certain scientists would say differently, right? Like the. Like the idea of the. The maternal instinct. It's bullshit. It's. There's nothing in science, Nothing in science with evidence of that. It's how we've been conditioned. It's how society has. It's what society has created. So maybe this is the same, too. I don't know. But, you know, I wrote a meme one time that says, you know. Yes, my husband and I. I don't know if this is word for word, but it was a long time ago. Yes, my husband and I fight in front of our kids. We also make up, hug, laugh, and apologize in front of them. Marriage is a very long journey made up of lots of different emotions, and I have no interest in my kids thinking otherwise. But I do want my boys to see what it's like to be the caretaker to some degree, and to step in and step it up and make your person or your people feel seen and loved, like, in all the ways. Right. Not just again Valentine's Day, Christmas, or Hanukkah or Mother's Day or any of that. So, yeah, I think it would be really, really good for them to see. I mean, Mia's not here, but hopefully you'll still be doing it when she comes home.

[Adam]

So you're assuming that I'm gonna do it in the first place.

[Danielle]

I. I'm not. I'm not assuming anything.

[Adam]

I know you're not.

[Danielle]

No.

[Adam]

You said you don't think I.

[Danielle]

No. And I. And I am probably going to, like, take a step back for 30 days and not. You know, I'm gonna be so busy budgeting, I'm not gonna have time for all this other stuff.

[Adam]

But it's gonna be so hot watching your budget that I can't control myself.

[Danielle]

And your pride. I Mean, I'm the fucking prize. I don't know.

[Adam]

I gotta buy you outfits for while you're budgeting.

[Danielle]

That's gonna be can I can't afford it.

[Adam]

Don't you have to put it in the budget?

[Danielle]

And first of all, if anyone's buying me, buying me outfits, it's me.

[Adam]

I sell costumes. I'll bring them home.

[Danielle]

I won't fit into those costumes. I've seen those costumes there. They, they only fit one size and it ain't me. No, that's not true. So, okay, so it's the end of September, so we're coming back, what, end of October, early November with the follow up.

[Adam]

Right.

[Danielle]

And we'll give each other a little. Should we do we give little, little updates here and there throughout?

[Adam]

Sure.

[Danielle]

Okay. Well, we'll see how it goes. Yeah.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Danielle]

But. And if anybody out there wants to do the challenge, I think it's a great idea and, you know, maybe I'll put something out in the Friday 5 or something to be able to do it.

[Adam]

Friday 5. Got to bring that back.

[Danielle]

Well, we have been a little bit, but I got to get more, more steady into it. Also, if you want to buy our date night questions, that'd be awesome.

[Adam]

Why is that funny? Give some conversations like this.

[Danielle]

Marriagemartinis.com no, I know. It certainly does. Oh, it's amazing. Yes. And I think every married couple and not married couple and engaged and whatever should have it, but. Marriagemartinis.com DNQ reconnect for 15% off or E check in for 15% off the ebook if you want to do it like tonight or this weekend or whatever. And please, please rate and review. A bunch of you have been. But I know there are so many of you out there listening who haven't and who've hopefully enjoyed an episode or two. I mean, you made it this far in the episode, so I think you enjoyed it. So please, Apple podcast or they enjoyed.

[Adam]

It or just wait.

[Danielle]

Ex. Well, that. A little bit of both.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

All right, well, thanks.

[Adam]

All right, thanks, guys. We'll see.

[Danielle]

We'll see you in a month. No, no, we'll see you next week. All right, bye.

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