Danielle (2:17)

Yeah.

Adam (2:18)

Can. Can you. Well, first of all, I mean, we've been wanting to do videos on YouTube. What. How does it work? Do you know? Like, are you allowed to curse? Are you allowed to.

Danielle (2:28)

I'm sure.

Adam (2:29)

Are you?

Danielle (2:30)

I mean, most podcasts are on YouTube. There. I think there. There are certain ways that you. We are definitely like. I mean, we're Gen X, but in certain ways, we're like podcast boomers because we are so behind in certain things, and we've been doing this a long time, so we shouldn't be. But I also think there is part of us that is like, we hate ourselves on video. So we don't rush at it.

Adam (2:54)

You know, I. I think you can put it. But maybe you get, like, demonetized or something.

Danielle (3:01)

No, no one would do it. Who wants to do it if you're going to get demonetized?

Adam (3:06)

Well, I know people have talked about being demonetized for some kind of content, whether it was explicit, you know, words or sexual content or whatever.

Danielle (3:16)

I don't know.

Adam (3:16)

You can get demonetized very, very easily.

Danielle (3:19)

I don't know anything.

Adam (3:20)

All right, well, we'll put it up and we'll see what the fuck happens.

Danielle (3:22)

Yep. Just like everything else, we do fly by the seat of our pants.

Adam (3:27)

Exactly.

Danielle (3:28)

We are not planners. Yeah, so we did like. So we've been, we've been going through a very, very difficult year, but a very pivotal year in our relationship and in our. For ourselves too. I think this has been a really big year of self growth and a lot of realizations and more self awareness, I think. And. And obviously it's all a journey. Right. So we're not done. We gotta. We have a lot more to do. But. But I do think it's so important, you know, I think that we get under the impression that we know each other so well because we've been married for 22 years. I think a lot of relationships have that right, where it's sort of like, I don't know, I know everything about them. But again, I'm not the same person I was even a year ago. You're not the same. Like, we're constantly changing. And I think that these check ins, these questions, again, we've said before, we've done our date night question book, I don't know, a dozen times, and each time it's different answers. Like, it just. You have to keep re asking the important questions no matter how long you're together and we forget that. So. So last time, last week, I put an episode out by myself. People are welcome to check that out. If you're. Especially if you're a woman and you're feeling kind of like helpless right now with all the, you know, political stuff going on, you can go check that out. But the week before that, we did what Adam really needs, which is, you know, we went through some stuff that you feel like at this moment you need from me, and you graded me on it. So now it's my turn.

Adam (5:09)

I can't wait.

Danielle (5:10)

And I'm not going to grade you on it because I don't feel like we're ready for that.

Adam (5:16)

Okay.

Danielle (5:17)

And I've gotten enough bad messages about the political environment of everything that I can't really take anymore. So we'll, we'll revisit it. And, you know, I don't know, two months maybe.

Adam (5:30)

Oh, we'll revisit your report card. So I get a report card?

Danielle (5:34)

You'll get your evaluation. Oh, yes.

Adam (5:36)

Do I have to hide it from somebody like I used to hide my report cards from my parents?

Danielle (5:40)

Well, I hope not. I hope it will be something we can all Be proud of.

Adam (5:44)

Yes, I will post it on the refrigerator.

Danielle (5:47)

And so, so I did. We had both done five, but, you know, and I was going to go in a certain order and full, full disclosure. We recorded this yesterday and now we're rerecording it.

Adam (5:59)

Yeah, we've done that before.

Danielle (6:00)

Yeah, of course. But I'm just saying, like, this was a very heated topic. It was sensitive and especially because of what we've been going through and the way maybe that, you know, we, again, we've spoken so much about gray divorce. Right. And how a lot of women after 50 are leaving their husbands in larger numbers than ever before. And I've said before that I think a lot of this has to do with, number one, that I think there's a realization as a woman that happens of a. Oh, shit. Time is of the essence. I'm not getting what I need. I want to get what I need from this person, but I don't think it's gonna happen. And I wanna get what I deserve. And if that means doing it somewhere else, well, then that's what I'm gonna do. Or if it means just me being with my friends and you know, living a life of more independence and fun and all of that, then maybe that's what it means. I don't know. Everybody's got their different ideas. And also the fact that a lot of people are becoming empty nesters, right? So the whole stay together for the kids, which, you know, is a very debatable thing now, people are not necessarily needing to stay together for the kid. Like that's no longer an excuse. And on top of that, you're spending more and more time together because the kids aren't around. You don't have that diversion and distraction. So I think that I've gotten much more upfront, much more maybe abrupt and less willing to compromise on my needs. And so I think that my needs are much different than they would have been, you know, 10, 20 years ago, obviously. And just life changes. But I also think that a lot of it has to do with just the fact of I'm braver and more and, and more certain of my deservingness.

Adam (8:12)

I have a question. So how much of, how much do you think is your like, like you just said, you know, you're, you're less willing to compromise on your needs and your wants and, and all those things. I'm just curious for me, how much of that is because you weren't getting it and now you, you need it or you, like, you're done, like it's either yes or no or that you're getting, you're growing, you're learning more about yourself and your needs have changed.

Danielle (8:49)

Both.

Adam (8:49)

Does that make sense? Yeah, I was struggling explaining.

Danielle (8:53)

Yeah, I think it's both. I think maybe I wasn't getting it and I think I suppressed a lot of that. I think, I think that there was a time when we were going through a really tough time with our kids where really the only thing I could, I needed to concentrate on is I need him to step the fuck up and be involved. Like, I couldn't worry even about, you know, these other relationship related issues. It had to be, no, I need his help. And so that became everything. You know, just getting you to step up and take involvement and everything. And. And also I think that looks. Again, I'm going to talk about it, but even just a few days ago, I realized a need and changed my whole list because it was something that I hadn't even realized how badly I needed it because I think I had suppressed it and pushed it so far down thinking that it wasn't even a possibility. And I didn't want to, I didn't even want to acknowledge that because it was too depressing, you know. So I sort of like not even thinking about it. It wasn't even in the zeitgeist of possibility.

Adam (10:06)

I. I wish there, I mean there's a. There's a lot of things that I wish for that we can go back and change and fix and redo and all those things. But a big one for me is, you know, this. We had kids at 28, 7. You were 27. I was 28. And look, you know, if I could go back and say one thing, you know, to a younger self, a you know, somebody who at 28 was trying to find my place in work, trying to find my place in a career, trying to find my place in, you know, my own status and what I wanted to be. And that was my main focus. And you know, I think a lot of young men probably feel this way and if they do, it's just kind of like a. Listen to this for a second. You know, you were a stay at home mom. I went to work. So in my mind it's like I am going out to, you know, make sure my family is taken care of financially, make sure I am taken care of in the ways that I want to be. My. I want my life to be and to show for it all those things. So it was like, you're a stay at home mom. You. You take care of the kids. Like you take care of all that stuff, I take care of all the other stuff. And number one, at 47, not 27, I feel like number one, I missed out on things I would have loved to have been involved in with the kids because I wasn't there for that. Because I was focused on the other. Making sure it could be paid for, that they could do it, that I was financially providing, that I would like those like 1950s typical, like this is what the husband does.

Danielle (11:51)

Well, we say all the time that we did start off our relationship having a very typical traditional relationship sort of trying to just emulate our parents who were both in long time marriages doesn't mean that they were marriages that would have fit us. But it's all we knew because no one teaches you how to be married.

Adam (12:09)

Right. So that's what we did and that didn't work for us. So I mean, I guess now, you know, things are so different now, even from 2000.

Danielle (12:21)

I don't know, you always say that. I don't know how different, that the stats are not that different. I mean I do think that guys are stepping up more naturally and everything. But the statistics still show that even women who work full time are doing more of the domestic responsibilities. It is not easy out.

Adam (12:42)

But I think also statistics are showing that people are getting married less, getting married later. Men are not interested in getting married as much as they were, let's say 20 years ago and be and before. Because I don't think they're ready for it yet. They're interested in it yet. They're interested in their goals and their dreams and their. And like they don't want to be distracted. That's why I think things today are different because they have opportunities we didn't have. Right.

Danielle (13:15)

Because of women too. I mean there's lots of women out there who have made very, very vocal decisions not to have kids and were scolded and are still scolded. And there's still the, you know, what's the first thing when especially the generation older than us asks, right? When you get married. Okay, when you have the next. When you have the first child or after you have the first child when you have the next one. Like that. That's still really a thing. Even though more and more people are saying I don't want kids.

Adam (13:46)

But I think more and more people are saying I don't want to get married.

Danielle (13:49)

That's true. That's it.

Adam (13:49)

And I think it's more young men than women.

Danielle (13:52)

And I have you looked that Up.

Adam (13:53)

I. I haven't looked it up. I've listened to people talking about it.

Danielle (13:57)

Yeah.

Adam (13:57)

But I don't know the exact stats. I could be wrong.

Danielle (13:59)

Okay.

Adam (14:00)

But let's just say less people today, men and women, don't want to get married, as it's probably down from where it was 20 years ago.

Danielle (14:11)

Well, I think it's also really, really hard to feel like you can support a family right now. I mean, everything's expensive and.

Adam (14:17)

But there's also other opportunities and things that you could be doing instead of getting into a relationship. It's all with women.

Danielle (14:27)

I mean, actually, because women know that they're most likely going to be the ones who are in charge of the domestic responsibilities. Even if you have a wonderful partner who's stepping up and everything, I think it's still an issue. I mean, it's still very, very much an issue. And so if they are career oriented, I think it is an even bigger sacrifice for them to say, I. Yes, I want to have kids, too, because the expectations are so skewed.

Adam (14:59)

Right. I want to continue with what I was saying real quick.

Danielle (15:03)

Okay.

Adam (15:04)

I don't know the numbers. I'm sorry. I just know these things are happening. The opportunities for. And I, I'm. I'm. I'm looking more at young men than women because that's where I'm seeing and hearing more of it is.

Danielle (15:17)

Where'd you hear that? Joe Rogan.

Adam (15:18)

No, it's not Joe Rogan.

Danielle (15:19)

Okay.

Adam (15:19)

No, it's not. It's. No, no. I'm seeing in, like, news articles. I'm seeing on. On a news talk. Like, like news programs and, you know, all those things. It's not just podcast. It's not just like, I think this is a reality. And it's. It's a scary thing that's happening with young men are getting sucked into technology. Video games are huge, like, the most. We don't understand what video games are today because we played Atari and Nintendo, right? You're sucked into worlds with AI, Right? With the amount of.

Danielle (15:57)

You can have your whole social life.

Adam (15:58)

On the amount of young men who are engaged in a. Like from the movie her from 15 years ago. That's a reality today. People are falling in love with their AI bot girlfriends and are like, there was a study done that there was an app that young men were using more so than young women, that they're like, this is my girlfriend. And apps were shut down and people were committing suicide. They were drinking more. They were doing drugs because they were so depressed. They lost Their girlfriend, which was an AI bot only fans. How many young men are on there? And they think they're chatting with like a beautiful, young. It's like some guy in the Philippines who's chatting for this young, beautiful woman who's doing whatever she does. Like, people are just. What's the word? Overwhelmed. And into this new reality which is taking over their life. They work and then they do this.

Danielle (16:59)

Right?

Adam (16:59)

And that's, that's their lives. They don't. You could be like, when you're in these realities, you can be whoever you want. You can be the billionaire, you could be the king, you could own, you know, have land.

Danielle (17:10)

Like being on a dating, dating app until you actually have to meet the person.

Adam (17:14)

Right, right. But there's no 63. But you could be 63 in this reality. You can be 250, jacked, full of, like, you could be, you know, whatever you want. So that's where I was kind of going with that. And that's happening, you know, so it's, it's, it's sad, it's scary, but that. And it's only going to get way more realistic, right?

Danielle (17:39)

Yeah. Especially as more and more is invested in AI and everything. For sure. But anyway, the, the, the list that I made is. It's hard. I did my best, but I'll, you know, and the, the one that we really focused on in the last, in the last episode was romance. I'll start there, and I'm going to start there saying very transparently that I don't even know what romance is anymore. And I don't mean that as a digit. I mean that as. I think I'm so far removed from it. And I think that there's been this message, you know, first of all, there's all these romance novels now and, you know, these movies. There's that baby girl that just came out that I haven't seen, but I'm dying to see. And, you know, it's 50 shades and all this stuff. And you watch that and you're sort of like, okay, that's a pipe dream. Right. Obviously.

Adam (18:33)

Maze. Or like, in general.

Danielle (18:34)

Well, in general, I think that it's a pipe dream. You know, I think that there's also on the other side of it, the idea of, like, you've often said that, you know, magazines like Cosmopolitan and movies like the Notebook and everything are like, ruining relationships because they're giving an unrealistic expectation of what romance should be. And so there's those two dichotomous sides of women are listening to. And watching stuff that is a fantasy, you know, I think because we, number one, maybe aren't getting it in real life and because it's just an escape from everything. You know, it's just a really good escape with no, you know, there's no emotional ties, there's no responsibility. Like it's, we need an escape. And I think men on the other side are, are saying, you know, look, I, like you said, I'm at work, I'm overwhelmed. I have to do all these things. And so that always gets on the back burner. Right? I think romance is like slides all the way down to the bottom because we're trying to deal with all this other shit too. Like, how do we get it so that we can make it more equitable in the home domestically that, you know, when you have kids growing up or when you're both working full time and you have a house, take care of, like, bills to pay, all that stuff that prioritizes. And, and I think that we, we sort of, again, we, we really disassociate ourselves from, from the fact that we're married so long. You know, romance was something for when we were dating or romance was saying for when we were in the honeymoon period. And also I think that there's this idea we say romance and we don't even know what the fuck that means.

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Adam (21:12)

Can I interject right there.

Danielle (21:14)

Yeah. That was what I was going to ask you is what do you think? Romance.

Adam (21:18)

Well, good, I'm glad you were going to ask that because I often, from you letting me know, confuse romance and sweetness. When I'm think, when I think I'm being romantic, I've done something sweet. So I struggle to understand the difference. So I don't know if it's so easy for you to just say, no, this is romance and this is being sweet. I don't know if it's that simple. So, like, I always think about the Notebook because it's a perfect example because it's a movie that you wanted me to watch and I loved so can you give me an example? In the Notebook was what was something that was romantic that happened and what was something that sweet that happened? Just so I understand the difference.

Danielle (22:04)

That's hard to do. And, you know, and I only said 47 now, so, you know, notebook came out, what, 2000 or something? So we're talking 25 years later and everything. I still wanted my favorite movies, but my needs are different, you know?

Adam (22:18)

Yeah.

Danielle (22:18)

Understand, like, I don't need you to hang off my Ferris wheel. I would do that and you would die.

Adam (22:25)

But I've worked on being more romantic. But in. In reality, I've been sweet. I've done more sweet things for you.

Danielle (22:34)

Yeah, right.

Adam (22:35)

Look, so I want to know the difference. Like, I want to.

Danielle (22:37)

Well, and I don't even know that I know the difference. It's for myself. I just know that a lot of times, like, you know, you've been much more affectionate, which is really nice. I mean, it has been so nice to have you be more affectionate and that. I really do feel like it's genuine. I think it started off a little bit forced, and I think you really, like, sunk into it. And. And now I think that you realize that we were both missing it, you know, like. And I'm not talking about, like, in the bedroom. I'm talking about throughout the day.

Adam (23:03)

Sure.

Danielle (23:04)

And physical contact is super important, you know, in a connection. And I think that also you have started, for the most part, except when we're fighting to speak more nicely and to, you know, that kind of thing. Like, I think that those are really things that need to be valued and appreciated. And I do value it now, and I do appreciate it. And it does feel like this void that has. Is starting to be filled, I guess, for me, because I was like, what would even. What would. What would be a gesture because, you know, we were going to go into the city, we wound up not being able to go, but we were going to go into the city for a few days and, like. And you were like. You know, I said. I was like, we were going to go into the city, and maybe you weren't even going to plan anything or. And you said to me, but you love to plan that stuff. And that is true. Right. But there is the other side of that, which is I. There are times when I just want to show up somewhere and be. Maybe. See, I don't know if pampered's the word. That's fine. Sometimes I don't know if catered to is the word. I don't know if, like just getting all the attention is the word. I don't know, like, all those things combined are sort of like. I, I'm, I do, I am missing that. I am missing that. There's an excitement in that. Like, our life is very much. As much as I love our life in so many ways, right? And I love that we do this together and I love that, you know, we go out with friends and we go out by ourselves and we sit in our bar room or our family room and have drinks and watch stuff. I love all of that. I think also though, that there is a monotony that happens at a certain point in a relationship. And I think probably often much too soon, but I think happens in a relationship and a, a complacency that we get too comfortable with. And you know, again, we're exhausted, all of us. I mean, everybody, the whole fucking world is exhaust. We're all on overload all the time. And so that is one of the things that gets put on the back burner. But I guess, you know, and that's what I was, I wanted to try to like, make a list of. Well, here are the thing. Here are some things you could do, right? And you know, and one thing, stuff like you come home one day and you're like, okay, you're going to a hotel overnight by yourself. Because I see that you're exhausted and I see that you're getting antsy and you're getting, you know, very short tempered. And, and rather than getting annoyed at me, maybe recognizing, oh, shit, she needs a break. Right, right. And I think a lot of times what happens is rather than lean into, she needs a break. You lean into. What the, you know, and, and sort of a, oh, why is she acting like that? And I think that those are signals that maybe we need to pick up on. Like, okay, she's at her maximum capacity. Right? Like the other day when you, you said to me, oh my God, it's getting ridiculous with these politics. It's so fucking annoying. You know, another option for that would have been, hey, let's go out to dinner. I know you need to vent. Maybe we could talk about it and then maybe we could just like, you know, I don't know, talk about something else or whatever. Like, I'll set it all up. Like, stuff like that, that shows that you see me and you see my needs rather than getting annoyed. It's sort of like, okay, she has this need that's not getting fulfilled. How do I fill it?

Adam (26:53)

Right? Okay, so I, I do have a question. Because I want to learn. That's the only reason I'm asking. I've had shell shock from the past a little bit. I. I'm very concerned with the fact of saying, okay, listen, Friday night I'm taking you to a hotel. We're staying over, and I took care of everything. I mean, I've done that in the past a few times, and it was a little bit of a disaster.

Danielle (27:22)

Wait, but Mexico, when else?

Adam (27:24)

Let me explain why, okay? In my mind now, I don't feel like I can ask you or tell you. It's on Thursday or Friday morning. Friday night we're going to a hotel. We're gonna. I took care of all the plans. Dinner and dancing and whatever we did.

Danielle (27:48)

Used to go dancing back in the day, we used to go swing dancing.

Adam (27:50)

I picture in my mind Danielle going in as baseball and the kids have this. Did you plant. Did you make sure you took care of. Like, that's what goes through my mind when I think to myself, I want to make sure. So it's hard for me to know all the things that have to go coincide with making plans for us to go away for the weekend or a night or something. So. So that's kind of my.

Danielle (28:19)

Well, there's an easy fix to that, right? I always say to you, you know, you'll come home and be like, we'll go out to dinner and I'm like in my pajamas. Yeah, I understand that, you know, and I didn't know you were coming home. And you know, and so. And I'm not good last minute. I get very anxious about doing things last minute like that. Everything else I do everything fucking last minute. But, like, stuff like that, I'm not good at. But if you said to me on a Wednesday, hey, I have. I'd like to plan something for us Friday. What do you need from me? To set everything up so that we can do this together and you be stress free.

Adam (28:54)

So my. My concern with that is I. If it was Wednesday and I said, I want to make sure Friday I take you out for the weekend. Now you have to make all the arrangements.

Danielle (29:07)

No, I just said, you say to me, what can I do? How can I help? First of all, our kids are older now, right? I don't have nearly as.

Adam (29:16)

I just use that.

Danielle (29:17)

I know, but when you took me to Mexico, it was literally like, I'm taking you in 12 hours or 24 hours or whatever it is. And you said, you know, I've made arranged sleeping arrangements for the kids.

Adam (29:29)

I mean, so I thought I Did good.

Danielle (29:31)

This was a time when, you know, they had preschool and they had appointments and they had, you know, and you didn't know what the fuck was going on in their life. So you couldn't, you know.

Adam (29:40)

No, I took care of the things that I thought were going on in their life.

Danielle (29:43)

But this. We're at a different stage now, right?

Adam (29:45)

Yeah.

Danielle (29:45)

If you said to Ian, our 16 year old, listen, I want to take mom away this weekend. What do you have going on? He could mostly tell you, and you could check in with me.

Adam (29:54)

Good point.

Danielle (29:55)

No, but, like, even still, you could even say to me, hey, I just want to let you know, is, are. Are you. Or would this be a good time to do this? And if not, what is a good time? You give me a time. Like, you have to be more. It doesn't spot. I think people are under the idea that, like, spontaneity is. Is the mystery of it. I mean, sometimes spontaneity is great. Sometimes it's just super fucking stressful and depending on you, where you are in your life.

Adam (30:26)

Hence Mexico.

Danielle (30:27)

Hence Mexico. Right. I mean, that's something that should. And look, once again, once I got there, I was fine, but it was sort of the. How does he not know that this is gonna stress me the fuck out? So those kinds of things, you know, are hard, but. But again, look, there are a lot of, I think, empty nesters now who aren't even getting. I'm sure they're probably planning things together and have a lot going on, but they're not, like, stepping up maybe, and surprising each other. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I. I don't know. And some people might not want that. Like Romeo. That's what I'm saying. I don't even know. For me, I just know that things can feel very monotonous. I get into a doom and gloom kind of headspace. You know, I do spend a lot of time at home, and I. I am. I have become a homebody. I do like to be at home. And then, you know, like I was saying a few weeks ago, a friend said to me, you're meeting me out for a drink tonight. I don't care what you say. I was like, fuck. And I went and I was out. I was like, oh, yeah, this is nice. Like, this feels good. And. And I guess also sometimes there's the stress of, like, all right, well, we're gonna be away for the weekend. And, like, do we have enough to talk about? Do we, like, you know, so there's There's a little bit of a stress of, okay, what's gonna happen once? Is it gonna. Are we putting this pressure on? And then it's gonna feel.

Adam (31:55)

Wait, you felt that? Like, would you have felt that way? Are you using, like, an example or.

Danielle (32:01)

I think sometimes when we go. I think this will tie into my next need. But I think sometimes when we go out, the two of us, the conversation sort of goes in a direction that I'm like, you know, like.

Adam (32:14)

Right. But I feel like we have so many things to talk about.

Danielle (32:17)

Yes, now we do.

Adam (32:18)

And I feel like maybe you thought some of the things weren't concentrating on your needs and desires.

Danielle (32:25)

Well, that's what I was going to talk about.

Adam (32:27)

Right.

Danielle (32:28)

So, again, this is something I think that I've repressed so much that I haven't thought about it nearly enough to give a really good response. I will say this, and I hope there are male partners listening to this. Husbands. And I would like you to kind of listen. I think where you start is knowing your partner and knowing what they want and don't want or might need and don't need, and also being flexible with it. Like, you know, even as far as gifts go. Right. And look, we're in a very. We have three kids in school. We have a lot. We're at the height of our expenses right now. Right. For me to ask for gifts and stuff feels silly and selfish and all of that. It doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. But, like, you know, even still to give somebody a gift or a gift card even. I know that sounds ridiculous, but to say, say, I guess it's the thought and the meaning behind it, for real. Even though that sounds cliche, like, you know, you listen to what your partner says. If your partner says, like, you know, I haven't gotten to, like, buy a new. Even in passing. I haven't gotten to buy a new outfit in a really long time, like. Or whatever. And they're just venting. They don't. They're not saying it as a. I want to kind of like have a. An aha. Moment of okay, noted. Like, she either wants to go shopping or she's feeling maybe a little bit like, not great about herself and how she looks. Again, this is one example. I'm just pulling out of my ass. But, you know, those kinds of things that. Paying attention. Right? So you asked me about the notebook, and for the notebook, you know, there's. There's a lot. He's obviously, look, he's a. All the stuff that he does in. In the notebook. And the things that he says, obviously, that's all scripted, right? But let's take the idea of when she comes back to the house, when he's rebuilt the white house for her, you know, that she wanted her dream house, which obviously, you know, I mean, let's not even go there. Maybe you'd have sex on the floor in front of the piano, but other than that.

Adam (34:36)

Well, anybody who's never listened to our podcast, and this is their first one, they have no idea what you're talking about. But what do you mean? As far as the house stuff, were you talking about dream houses?

Danielle (34:49)

No, I'm just. No, no. I was talking about, like, I'm not expecting you to, like, rebuild a house for me.

Adam (34:53)

Oh, I thought you were saying. Because my dream was the big house.

Danielle (34:57)

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no. Well, this. He, like, you know, did himself. But anyway. But she comes back and they have that whole. Romantically, she's deciding between him and. What's the other guy's name? I can't remember. Anyway, I can't do. They're deciding. She's deciding. Deciding between him and the. The guy who was in the war. And she. He. He leaves those rose petals again. Unnecessary for me. I don't need the rose petals. But she walks into. She always wanted to paint, right? And she stopped painting. And he remembered that she loved to paint. And she walks in, and it's just a room that he's, like, put canvases in and really nice paints and all this stuff, and it's sort of like paint again, you know, like. And. And, you know, and that, to me, that kind of thing is like. I guess it's the listening component to the little things, right? Where, you know, as women, you know, we're. We're constantly told that, like, we're nagging or whatever, which is, you know, just like a guy's way of saying, like, oh, fuck, I forgot to do it, and you had to remind me again, and now making it your fault. But all of those things that we're told, we're too emotional. We're, you know, we're. We need to calm down. We are, you know, we expect too much, all of that. But to know that you're really listening, that you hear us and that you care, you know, And. And I think a lot of times, for me, I think sometimes you hear what you want to hear, right? Like we always say, selective listening, right? You hear what you want to hear. But there's a lot of things, I think that come out of my mouth that are more important than you give weight to and. And are more important to me than you process in the way that it should be processed. And so, you know, to show that you are listening, but also, like, let's say for something like a gift or something like, you know, I don't know, to. To. To know that, like, to give a gift and say, listen, I did. I did my best. I. I thought this was you. But also what I really want is for you to have something that you really want so there's no pressure to keep it. And trust me, we're still gonna. We're still gonna be so happy that you did it. And sometimes we may be like, you know what? This is special to us now anyway. Sometimes we might hate it and be like, fuck, now I can't tell them I don't like it. But, like, I love the gesture. I love that store. I'd like to be able to go get something else and to just, like, not put the pressure on of. Well, now we're making you feel bad about not giving us the exact, like, for. I think there really is, especially at this point, this idea that I want to know that. That my needs, my wants, my concerns, all of those things, the way I feel are important to you and that you see it and that you want me to have those things, you know, not just saying I am working because I want you to have those things. Like, that's too generalized. We know. Hopefully, you know, we're showing gratitude. A lot of us are. You know, most of us are working too. Whether it's stay at home moms or we have another job or working from home, whatever. So I guess we just want to see. Right. And goes both ways, right? I'm not saying just one way. I am saying that I think that. That you need to sit down and have the discussion of, like, what are your needs? Just like we're doing. Some people might say, I don't really know. I don't give a shit if you, you know, right now I need you to, you know, when I come home, give me a hug. And, like, it depends on the state of where you are in life, where you are in your relationship. So.

Adam (38:41)

All right, so a couple questions. So when Ryan Gosling set up the house and did all the. Because she wants the paint. He set up all the stuff. Is that romantic or sweet?

Danielle (38:55)

I think that's a romantic gesture. I think that really shows that. I think sweet is more like, you come over, you give me a hug, or, you know, okay, can I.

Adam (39:06)

Another question. This is the smallest example, the trivial example. And like, it's silly to even ask, and I know that, but it's the tiniest example of this. Right. So to set it up, I forgot what it was for you sent me at work. The chocolate covered strawberries. What was that for? Do you remember?

Danielle (39:36)

Because I had been sick and you took good care of me.

Adam (39:38)

Okay.

Danielle (39:40)

You don't let me die.

Adam (39:42)

Is that romantic or sweet?

Danielle (39:47)

Well, I, I, I think.

Adam (39:51)

And I loved it, by the way. Yeah, I, I sent you the text.

Danielle (39:54)

I'm often not thinking about romance with you because I've never really thought you needed it. But number one, I know you love chocolate covered strawberries.

Adam (40:03)

My favorite.

Danielle (40:04)

I know.

Adam (40:04)

Yeah.

Danielle (40:05)

Number two, I knew that you were tired and you really had stepped up and like, I was in bed for, I don't know, five days, and you really stepped up and everything. I knew I couldn't spend a lot of money. We were not in a place where, like, you know, that seemed to, like, appropriate is the wrong word. It felt meaningful in a way that was also doable. Okay. Okay.

Adam (40:28)

Yeah. Don't get too into it because I'm not done.

Danielle (40:30)

Right. Wait. Okay, go ahead. Are you gonna bring up what?

Adam (40:34)

No, I'm done with that. On to the next. So if there's more that you wanted to say about that, go ahead.

Danielle (40:39)

No, no, go ahead.

Adam (40:40)

Okay. Even, Even less.

Danielle (40:45)

Significant.

Adam (40:46)

Yes. Thank you. Even less so. Because the only reason I just thought of this is because of what you were saying. Like hearing what you're saying, listening to you. This is so insignificant and.

Danielle (40:59)

Okay, you said it. What?

Adam (41:01)

I have to, I have to go.

Danielle (41:02)

Go.

Adam (41:02)

Okay. I. Oh. You always say when I come home from work, it's the weekend or whatever, and you say, did you bring home candy? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But when I think about it, when I'm, I, I grab all the things I know you're gonna like. I know that you enjoy.

Danielle (41:20)

Yeah, that's sweet.

Adam (41:20)

I grabbed. I don't think that's romantic.

Danielle (41:22)

Right.

Adam (41:23)

I think it's sweet.

Danielle (41:23)

That's sweet.

Adam (41:24)

But it's, it, but it's, it's kind of correlates to what you were saying of listening to you say you're already.

Danielle (41:31)

At the store and you already said.

Adam (41:34)

And it didn't cost me anything.

Danielle (41:36)

Right.

Adam (41:37)

Let me, let me finish.

Danielle (41:38)

Okay.

Adam (41:39)

So it's, it, it kind of encompasses all the things of knowing you, listening to you, knowing what you want. Unfortunately, you know, it's, it doesn't, it's not like, go shopping.

Danielle (41:53)

All right.

Adam (41:54)

You know what I mean?

Danielle (41:54)

Can I just respond to that? And then I'm. Yeah, listen, it is nice, and you come home at night and you brought them, and I'm. You know, but I can get them myself. Like, I could go to wall. And I'm not. Again, I'm not. I'm not trying to downplay. I'm just saying the difference is there are things that we are not doing for ourselves that we would like to still be able to experience and have. Right? And. And we're. We're not doing it for whatever reasons. And, you know, we feel maybe, like, we might feel guilty doing it. We might feel like, you know, it might be, you know, look, if I went. If I said to you, hey, I'm. I'm going tonight by myself to the city to sleep in a hotel, and I just want to. Like, I need a night and whatever. I don't know. I'm sort of. I'm forgetting that you probably need a night, too, and you might think about that, and it's gonna cost me money, and the kids are still home and, like, all those things. I'm not gonna do that myself. Not that I think I shouldn't be able to. It's just I'm not. And so you doing it for us says, I know you need this, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. You don't have to feel, you know, you don't have to worry. Yeah.

Adam (43:16)

Yeah, I understand. And like I said, it was the smallest trivial, trivialist thing I could think of. And listen, you sent me chocolate, I could go buy chocolate strawberries if I was down and, like, you know, tired. Like, I could do that myself, just like you could go buy your candy yourself, like the smallest little thing.

Danielle (43:33)

Well, I would argue that that's not. I would argue that what I did with Interstellar and taking you to that, on your level, I thought was romance.

Adam (43:41)

Correct. I agree with you.

Danielle (43:43)

Okay, so that was me saying, I don't really want to do this. I don't want to not do it. But I want to see his face when it's happening. I want to see his response.

Adam (43:52)

How was that, by the way?

Danielle (43:53)

What?

Adam (43:54)

My face.

Danielle (43:55)

I loved every second of it. I loved every second.

Adam (43:57)

So it was all the things that you thought it was.

Danielle (43:59)

And I think that I was very into it. Right. Like, I don't think you felt like I was sitting there like, oh, God, no. Like, I really was.

Adam (44:05)

Yeah. I got you popcorn. I got your Reese's Pieces.

Danielle (44:08)

All right. All Right. All right. So. Okay. So the next one that I really want to talk about that is important to me now, and this again, is something that we spoke about that I really didn't even realize until a few days ago. And I don't want to get into it too much because you and I alone have. We really. This is the reason why the episode stopped yesterday and everything, and we had to go and sort of figure it out ourselves. But is. Is the idea that. How do I even explain it now without the idea that I think I've become very comfortable in being the seer of the relationship, being the one who recognizes you and supports you and encourages you. And I'm not going to say you don't support and encourage me, but there are, I think, layers to it, Right. And. And I think that it has been. Because we've had a lot of complications in. In life with a lot of things. You know, we've had financial difficulties, we've had difficulties going through stuff with, you know, you, and you're like, leaving for a couple days, not telling me where you were going. Went through all that we went through. We've gone through a lot. And I think that the relationship at some point got skewed in you taking a lot of the bandwidth of emotional investment from me and me needing to constantly worry about you and get you back to a place of health, healthiness, whatever, you know, good health or whatever, all of these things that I really have had to. And I think that you really. You really got selfish. I'm going to be real honest. I think you really got selfish. And the other day you said to me, because you're starting this new venture business wise, you're separate from this. And. And it's been a lot of planning, it's been a lot of talk, it's been a lot of logistics, like. And I've been very involved, very involved. And I have this other dream of writing a book, right? And for a little while, you were going to be involved and we were going to do it together. And then that kind of took a turn when you started this other business venture. And we sat down the other day, and out of nowhere you said to me, so, what are your dreams? What are your goals with it? What are your dreams? And I broke down hysterically crying. And in that moment, I didn't even know why I was hysterically crying. I mean, I knew, but also, like, I wasn't. The impact of that question made me realize that that is a question you've never asked me. And I think that with a lot. I think that, you know, again, there's a lot going on in the world politically. I don't want to get into it. I come from a very. And instead of embracing that, you have really fought against it, and right now is a different time. And so rather than saying to me, hey, this feels like a lot, just like I said to you about your stuff, do you think maybe we could sit down and talk about it, and I want to hear you and everything, but then let's do something else because you need it. I need it. Rather than that, you just kind of went off at me about how annoying it was. And, and, you know, and those are things that I've realized. And, and yesterday during the episode. I'm not going to ask you again because I answered in the episode, you know, I said to you, I love to read. In your mind, it's not reading because I'm listening to audiobooks. I love that. You know, I, I read a lot of books. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I. I'm in a book club. I, you know, I've always been in a book club, like, all of these things. And like I said to you, do you even know what my favorite book is? Do you even know what book I'm reading now? And you sort of got defensive and were like, do I really need to know that? Do you need to? No. Should you want to? Yes. And look, I don't want it to be disingenuine that you're doing it just because I'm telling you to. But again, there are times when our conversations are about the kids or, again, about your business, your work, family stuff, all of this. And there's a very specific agenda when we have conversations. That agenda is never really focused on me and my needs. That agenda is never focused on my passions. Right. Like, you don't give a shit really, what I'm, you know, I've said to you a gazillion times about, you know, wanting you to maybe, like, listen to more female this or more, you know, like, get more female voices in your life and understand the experience more and everything. And I know you have done that a little bit. It could be a lot more, especially considering how long we've been talking about it, you know, and, And I know you're trying with that. I do. But at this point, I guess it's companionship in that I don't. I no longer want to feel like every time something happens in my life that's exciting, that the first people I'm Texting are my best friends or my sister, because you're not gonna give me the response I want, and I know I'm gonna be disappointed, okay? And I. I do not want to be. You know, I said Valentine's Day was coming up. I was supposed to go. We ended up. I'm not gonna even talk about it. We had to put our dog down, so I. I canceled it, and we're not ready to talk about it yet. But, you know, I was supposed to go away with my sister on Valentine's Day, and when she said it, I was so, like, it's Valentine's Day. And I was like, wait a minute. We're probably not doing anything on Valentine's. Yeah, of course I'll go. And. And, you know, those are the types of things that I'm like, I am too old and have invested too much into all of this to be lacking in all of that. And. And I want you also to tell me, like, if you're feeling like, hey, I don't know. I'm feeling like maybe I could use some access, excitement, or I could use some, like, extra attention or what. Like, I want to say that to each other and not have it be like, ew. You know? Like, that's what. Like, no, don't you see how hard I'm working? And obviously there are. Sometimes you're not gonna do that because things are just too heavy. But I guess I. I want. If I'm gonna be married to a man at this point in my life, there needs to be enough that I'm getting from that person that I'm not getting. I can't get in any other relationship in my life. You know? Like, at this point, my kids bring me so much. My friends bring me so much. My sister and my family bring me so much. I want it to be where, like, my life would look so different if Adam wasn't my partner. You know what I mean? Not just like, well, we're in it together, and we have a rhythm going. And I do love him. Like, I. I want it to be where I feel like if, God forbid, something happened and we weren't together anymore, or we, you know, something happened to you or me, like, it would be devastating other than the sense of, oh, my God, he's been a part of my life so long, like, that it would be, oh, my God, now I'm not going to have these. And I. I think we have it with intimacy. Like, I feel like that about sex and everything. Like, you know, that we have that nailed down. But Like, I feel like there's all this other stuff that I'm like, I don't. I can get this from my friends. You know, my friends do surprise me with gifts. Not gifts. Gif. Gifts. I just want to point out them, too.

Adam (52:15)

There's a lot to unpack there, and there's too much.

Danielle (52:18)

Sorry. I know I talk.

Adam (52:19)

I am not going to be able to.

Danielle (52:21)

I think I'm really unloading. Like, this is a conversation that, like. And yes, yesterday when I started it. Listen, Wait, no, this is. I think a lot of women are going to be like, yeah, all right, great job.

Adam (52:33)

I appreciate everything that you said and I love everything you said. There's a couple. I can't remember everything you just said, but I want to unpack a couple things and. And just try to explain a little bit. Don't. You don't have to hug.

Greenlight (52:46)

Sorry.

Danielle (52:46)

Sorry.

Adam (52:47)

It's okay. It's not bad. The first thing is I want you to get that feedback and understanding from me, and I want you to have that from your friends, too. You need.

Danielle (52:58)

Oh, I'm not worried about having that for my friends.

Adam (53:00)

Right. I. I'm just saying, like, I don't want you to think or expect from me all the things you need, because you need friends for a few of those things, too.

Danielle (53:09)

Can you just repeat what you said, please?

Adam (53:11)

I don't remember what I said.

Danielle (53:12)

Okay.

Adam (53:13)

I want to make sure you get those things from me. But you need to have your friends, too, to get certain things. I can't.

Danielle (53:22)

I need to interrupt you for a second. I'm so sorry. And this. This is my episode, so I'm allowed to. No one's allowed to get mad at me. You often say to me or to other people, I don't need friends. I have Danielle.

Adam (53:38)

Wait. I say, me personally, I don't need friends.

Danielle (53:41)

Until recently, when I made you realize that you do need friends. You used to say, I don't need friends. I have Danielle.

Adam (53:48)

I said that I don't need friends.

Danielle (53:51)

You said, I don't. I. I have you. I have. I don't need friends.

Adam (53:55)

I always said I had friends and I want to reconnect. And, like, I want.

Danielle (53:59)

That was recently, but for a long time, you said, and I used to. And. And I say, but you do need friends. Like, I can't be all those things that you're expecting me to be.

Adam (54:07)

Oh, nor should you be. I don't remember saying I don't need friends. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying I Don't remember saying. I don't.

Danielle (54:16)

All right, go ahead. I just wanted you to internalize that as, Like, a lot of times you're like, I don't need to go out with friends. I have you. And I'm like, no, no, no. Oh, you need friends. Yeah.

Adam (54:26)

And so do you. Right.

Danielle (54:28)

Well, obviously.

Adam (54:29)

Okay. I'm just making sure. So I want to be all the things for you, but I can't be everything.

Danielle (54:36)

I'm never.

Adam (54:37)

I don't think you. I don't think.

Danielle (54:38)

And I need that, my friends, desperately. I don't expect that from me. No.

Adam (54:43)

There are certain things you can get from your friends that I will never be able to give to you. Vice versa. Right. Fair.

Danielle (54:51)

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Adam (55:14)

9.

Danielle (55:14)

So no hard feelings, but we're moving on Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

Adam (55:33)

My friends still laugh at me to this day.

Danielle (55:35)

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Adam (55:40)

Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign.

Danielle (55:42)

Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be. To be. So I think another thing that is important to me at this point, and I guess it goes back to, you know, thinking that women are in charge of a lot of. A lot of what happens, like, logistically for men. Right. The I, again, I can't remember if I said it this. This episode or yesterday's, you know, when we were recording it. I can't remember, but I can't remember.

Adam (56:21)

If it was now or yesterday.

Danielle (56:23)

I really can't. I don't know which it was, but basically that, you know, men who, you know, they. Oh, no, I think it was yesterday. Five to ten men who are married live five to ten years longer than men who aren't married. And, you know, I said the. The reason, if you want to try to guess it Will never be as dumb as what you could.

Adam (56:44)

Yeah, that was yesterday.

Danielle (56:45)

Thank you.

Adam (56:46)

Yes.

Danielle (56:46)

Okay. And. And you know, the reason why men who are married live five to 10 years longer than men who aren't is because their wives make their doctor's appointments for them. And a little bit there is this idea that, you know, we are again, always the caretakers. We are the ones who are the healers, the lovers, the idea makers. We have never been given nearly the accolades that we deserve. And I guess at this point in my life, as my kids are ready to leave the home and we have been so proactive with them and it has been a ton of time and effort and we've had, you know, a lot of bumps in the road and you know, I guess that's sort of an example of I want a partner who's going to be self aware. Not saying that I give a shit about making appointments and stuff. And I'm not even good about that for myself. That's just an example. But to know enough, you know, to know that again, you have very bad adhd, you've never been on top of it ever. And there are certain things that, you know, I feel like you need to be self aware about that will make it all easier for both of us. And, and there is this also this idea that women are, we are, we are more emotional, we are more, you know, you tell us to calm down and all of these things because we are so attuned to ourselves, right? We, we look at all the different lay of layers of ourselves and are tapped in probably because we have to be, we need to, you know, be aware and knowing because we, you know, periods and pregnancy and postpartum and perimenopause and menopause and all of these things that like, we just kind of need to be aware of what's going on, right? While you guys are sort of just like living. And I think that. So there's this discrepancy of us being really self aware and really knowledgeable about ourselves. I'm not just saying physically, but learning, you know, why are we, you know, following our cycles, right? What time of our cycle is it? Oh, I'm definitely a little bit more irritable right now because I'm at this time of the month. All of these things that like, just throughout our lives we become very attuned with ourselves. And I want that from a partner. I want a partner who is going to be like, shit. I know that I, I get really defensive when Danielle brings up something that she would like to Talk to me about my first knee jerk reaction is. Is defensiveness. And I want somebody who's going to say, I want to fix that. I don't want to be like that. Right. And that, that has to do with self awareness. That has to do with identifying a problem on your own, realizing it and then saying, I want to work on it. And so I just, I would love that. I would love that to be just like, I think that would save us so much time and energy. And not only that, but like, you know, there's this idea of we're constantly evolving. We're constantly, you know, Laverne Cox, who is a trans woman who was on Orange is the New Black and, and I guess can look at gender roles and everything maybe from a different perspective from just. She just has a different experience. And she says women are always evolving and men aren't. They just aren't. As they don't find it a necessity to keep growing.

Adam (60:57)

Yeah, but not just that. Like, take it from a physical point of view where, like you just said, women are evolving physically. You know, there is periods. There is pre menopause, there is menopause, there peri. Perimenopause. Right. All the men don't go through that stuff. Right. So like, the worst we could face is like, ed. Right. Like erectile dysfunction and like our body's changing and we can't perform, but we don't see changes happening throughout.

Danielle (61:28)

Yeah. You don't have to have the same kind of response. Response.

Adam (61:31)

Right. So we don't understand what you're going through, but we should be there for you to understand what you're going through, to make sure you're kept comfortable during these times. And how can we understand and help better in those kinds of things? Because we don't go through that.

Danielle (61:47)

I love that.

Adam (61:48)

Yeah. So we don't experience it, so we don't know.

Danielle (61:51)

Yeah. There was someone who did this 30 day challenge, or more than one person, but one person. I really was like back and forth talking to it. She said, I'm going through menopause. My husband never took an interest in what I was doing. He was just getting, you know, annoyed with me that I was getting really, like, curt and short tempered and, you know, and my 30 day challenge for him was to research menopause. Really literally to just research it and understand it better. And he did. He read a book. You know, she gave him a book to read. Of course she found the book for him and everything, but, like, whatever. Fine.

Adam (62:23)

That's fair.

Danielle (62:24)

Okay, fine. Totally. Listen he did it. Which is the. And she said, like, our marriage has changed now that he understands what I'm going through, and it's made him try to understand other things, too, that she's been going through. And. And I think that's really huge and, like, same kind of thing. You know, I. I think for us, we need to try to. You know, there probably were times when in our marriage, I was more frustrated with you about what you were going through and how it was affecting me more than saying, okay, well, what am I doing to contribute to this? Right. I fully believe that. And, you know, and so I just think that we need to kind of be more. Be more aware of. So Laverne Cox, you know, she. As she says, women really do evolve, and we do. It's so interesting how, like, to me, you know, if you put, like, the stuff that I read, the podcast episodes, I listen to the shows, I watch all that stuff. Stuff, mostly the larger percentage of it is going to be stuff that is really me trying to work on myself. Me trying to become a better, more knowledgeable human of the world. And I feel like yours is like, I want to hang out with the bros. So this is what I'm listening to. Or I like science, which is great. Do that too. You know, like, you love Neil degrass Tyson. I love that you love Neil degrasse Tyson. Go for it.

Adam (63:48)

Right. So I'm. I'm seeking and learning things that are an interest but don't benefit me in a way that helps me moving.

Danielle (63:57)

Yeah, they're not. They're not making. It's expanding your knowledge.

Adam (64:00)

Yeah. So. Yeah. Right. So it's feeding my. My thirst for the knowledge of science or.

Danielle (64:07)

Right.

Adam (64:08)

Whatever it is, the podcast that I'm listening.

Danielle (64:10)

But we've also, you know, we've gone through. And we had that second episode of the Post Election where I talk to you about. I really think that the Joe Rogan listening is problematic. And you came back to me with, you know, we had a huge fight about it. And my. My answer to that is, why not just replace that with something that might be more beneficial to our relationship or to understanding the female experience when Joe Rogan is so obviously doing the opposite of that. And I know there are people out there who disagree with me, but come on. I mean, he. You know, what do we say, 11% or 9% of his guests are women, and of those, hardly any are of the female experience. They're like people who are, you know, educated in, I don't know, wilderness something, or, you know that he just has experts on, but they're not experts in women. And so, you know, I just feel like we need to bridge that gap. And I want to do that because, again, I want you to understand if you're supposed to be my person, I want you to get it the same way I want to get it when you're going through whatever you're going through.

Adam (65:18)

Well, yeah, just to respond to that, I think I found that balance of finding my need for, like, the bro hangout and finding my need for understanding things you're going through and finding the need for. For the things that you're interested in, you know, so, like, I've spread out, you know, my pot, you know, podcast listening for me because of my commute. It's a big deal for me. Right. That's. That's what I do twice a day for an hour a day, you know, an hour each way, every day. So it's like, do I need to listen to Joe Rogan every day both way? No.

Danielle (65:52)

Are you still listening to Joe Rogan?

Adam (65:54)

No. Yes and no. So if. If there's like a guest on, like, Brian Cox who's a huge, you know, he's astrophysicist or like Neil DeGrasse Tyson, that I want to hear what they have to say, I'll listen to it. But it's more of like what you were talking about with. I love the Sarah Silverman podcast, and she had a huge thing on perimenopause and menopause, and I tuned into that because we had this conversation and I wanted to learn more than what you told me, that I need to go find and research for myself. Right. So I started there. Right. I know how in, you know, your. The politics and everything that you're into. So I've been listening more to POD Saves them. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So almost every day. So I listen to that almost every day.

Danielle (66:41)

I really appreciate that.

Adam (66:42)

So I'm listening to. So listen, there's a. There's still a need for all the things, and it's been spread out and thinned out, and I'm selective in the things that I'm listening to for the things that probably you disagree with, but it's way more selective and just.

Danielle (67:01)

I really just appreciate if you just cut. I mean, I'm sure someone else has Brian Cox on their podcast. I just. It really bothers me because he's still. Joe Rogan is still whatever. Just supporting him.

Adam (67:14)

No, I understand.

Danielle (67:15)

And you already drive a Tesla that I can't smash to pieces, so.

Adam (67:19)

And by the way, I should get that bumper sticker that was, like, bought before Elon Musk.

Danielle (67:23)

Correct.

Adam (67:24)

The whole thing. Right. But the funny thing is, when I listen to Joe Rogan, it's with a different ear now because I'm hearing the things that I'm like, oh, I know.

Danielle (67:36)

But you're still giving him the download. That bothers me.

Adam (67:38)

Understood. Yeah, yeah.

Danielle (67:40)

I mean, I love Target. I'm not shopping at Target right now. I love Target. I'm not going. They cut their DEI program. I want to make a statement. I'm finding other places to go. You know, Like, I. I think that it's important right now. I think. I think that it's really important to show up however you can. And I think if you're. Look, if you said to me, like, you said you don't like Rachel Maddow, and I was sort of like, all right, well, that's dumb. You never even listened to her. Like, Right. Like, I've listened to a bunch of Joe Rogan. I know what he's putting out there. I know the misinformation. If you legitimately came to me with something, you know, an actual something of something that I was listening to or something that you thought was problematic, and you could bring me an argument, I really hope that I would try to be receptive to that and say, okay, I. I will try to find someone to fill that void. I'm not saying you come to me and you're like, I just don't like this person. I think they're annoying. I don't give a. About that. But if you really thought it was problematic, yes, I would try to listen up. So. So, you know, to me, someone who's self, aware, someone who understands, and for you, who has said before, you know, that you don't know much about women's experiences and you don't like. To me, I'm sort of like, okay, well, then that maybe shouldn't be your go to. Right. Like, that shouldn't be your. Your number one resource for. And. And I think something.

Adam (69:03)

Okay, wait, wait. No, go back to that. What was that?

Danielle (69:06)

Like? I. I think for. For you, who has said before, you know, that you. You're not as attuned to my needs. You're not as attuned to what women want. You do have a tendency to just listen to things also and, like, take them as fact. Even if you don't know the background, you don't research it, whatever. Like, he's a dangerous person to listen to. Like that.

Adam (69:26)

Yeah, I. I understand what you're saying. I appreciate everything that you were saying about the Joe Rogan podcast and all the other things, and I am. I'm doing my best at this point to just kind of branch out and feed my interests from other areas at this point, whether it be women or different male podcasts who have the same guest, like you were just saying. Or, you know, I'm. I'm. I'm starting. You know what I mean? Like, I'm. I'm. I'm branching out at this point, if that makes sense. Okay, yeah, no, because it makes sense to me, and I agree with it. Like, I understand what you're saying.

Danielle (70:04)

Yeah. You know, and I watch. Like, I watch and listen to stuff that's your stuff all the time. You know, just by virtue of the fact that, like, you always have the TV on or you. You know, I just. I think that I am sort of subject to a lot of your stuff. You know, when we pick a show to watch together, that's not something that we both like. It's usually something that you've watched, and you're like, have you watched this yet? I'll rewatch it with you. You know what I mean? It doesn't matter.

Adam (70:31)

Okay.

Danielle (70:32)

But anyway, there are two others that I guess I could go through quickly, and. And one of them you've gotten much, much better. Actually, both of them you've gotten much better at. But I. I, you know, I just need to point them out as, like, this is what I need. Look, we've done the body Image episodes and everything. You know, I did my Letting herself go back, and I don't even know what fucking year it was four years ago. Yeah, I don't know, but it's still one of our top three most downloaded episodes to this day. I highly recommend, if you haven't listened to it, to listen to it. Wife, husband, whoever you are, go listen to it. And I will always be. You know, body acceptance is a journey, and I have been on it. And again, I always say I love my body. I love who I am and everything, but, you know, having you can't make somebody else. I feel that when we are in the bedroom, maybe I don't feel that as much when we are outside of the bedroom. And again, I don't want to force anything, but again, I also know that I can get it elsewhere, and I don't want to get it elsewhere. You know what I'm saying?

Adam (71:47)

Like, not really.

Danielle (71:51)

That. That I. If I were to go out into the world and start dating, I know I Am very, very confident that there will be plenty of people out there who will think I'm attractive. And even though my body is bigger than it used to be, I don't.

Adam (72:05)

Know what I do to make you think that, that you could find.

Danielle (72:09)

I don't know that you do negative. I don't know that you do positive.

Adam (72:13)

I disagree. Okay.

Danielle (72:17)

Really? Can you come up with an example?

Adam (72:19)

An example? Of course not. I don't consciously think about it every time I. What, what happened?

Danielle (72:23)

I mean, if you did, I think it would stay in my mind for days. Like I would be, that would be my.

Adam (72:31)

You're saying outside the bedroom things that I say in the bedroom don't count, kind of towards.

Danielle (72:36)

Well, I, Yeah, I mean, I just feel like.

Adam (72:41)

Like, do I do anything?

Danielle (72:44)

Like, okay, a few weeks ago you came out, you were checking your phone, you came out of the bathroom after showering in your underwear and you walked to your phone. And I know you're self conscious sometimes about your body. I love your body. And I said to you like, damn, you look really, really good. And I was like, I wish you wouldn't go to work today. I wish you'd stay home. And I, I didn't say it for you. I was really feeling it, but I was like, I need to say it because I know he'll appreciate that. And I, I feel like that will be something that would be really nice for him to hear.

Adam (73:18)

Right. Like I, I guess you're separating in the bedroom versus out of the bedroom. Yes, like very much in the bedroom. When I say things to you like, oh my God, I love your body and I, you know, and I show it way more than I, you know, I say it. I guess there's no question how I feel about you when we're in the bedroom.

Danielle (73:37)

Yeah. But maybe I don't say those out at night or whatever. Like we're. Listen as women, unfortunately, because of how we've been conditioned, we're fucking self conscious beings. No matter how much we work at it, no matter how much we love ourselves, society tells us something different.

Adam (73:52)

So if I said the same things to you out of the bedroom that I say in the bedroom, if they were authentic.

Danielle (73:57)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam (73:58)

Do I present myself as being authentic when.

Danielle (74:01)

Yes. In the bedroom? Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes.

Adam (74:04)

So if I said the same things, because obviously I'm in the moment and feeling those things and saying them to you, sure. That's how I feel. Understood?

Danielle (74:14)

Yeah.

Adam (74:14)

Okay.

Danielle (74:15)

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I would love to. You know, I think we compliments have, have Compliments are something that has become very secondary, I think, in relationships. Right. And I am a very complimentative person. You're not complimentary, complimentative. And. And, you know, with my friends, I do it with. I think I try to do it with you. I. You don't think I do it enough?

Adam (74:41)

No, I think that was an example that you just gave, which is one in a few.

Danielle (74:46)

I don't say to you, like, when you get dressed to go out, I don't say, like, wow, you look great. Like, I don't say that stuff.

Adam (74:52)

I mean, maybe I think that's on par with me saying to you, wow, you look really good.

Danielle (74:57)

Okay, I will. I will 100 work on that. Because I do think it all the time.

Adam (75:01)

And so do I. But if I say to you, oh, my God, you look really nice, because I don't.

Danielle (75:05)

Yeah, because that's a bad compliment.

Adam (75:07)

Right?

Danielle (75:07)

Like. No, but seriously, I don't want to be told I look nice.

Adam (75:10)

I know, I know. But that's kind of the same thing. Like. Like, I don't think you say to me anything better than that.

Danielle (75:17)

Okay.

Adam (75:18)

That's my point.

Danielle (75:19)

Okay.

Adam (75:19)

And I understand why saying you look really nice, it's not a nice.

Danielle (75:23)

No.

Adam (75:23)

Yeah.

Danielle (75:23)

I would rather you say, I get that.

Adam (75:25)

I understand. Yeah, that makes sense.

Danielle (75:26)

Yeah.

Adam (75:27)

Like, it's. You know, so I. I get the difference.

Danielle (75:31)

Yeah.

Adam (75:31)

But I think it's mutual. Like, I think it's, like, so. No, I don't think you're so complimented.

Danielle (75:36)

Right.

Adam (75:37)

You're probably better with your friends than you are with me.

Danielle (75:39)

Maybe.

Adam (75:39)

Yeah, maybe.

Danielle (75:40)

Because they compliment me a lot. Yeah, maybe. If that's the kind of thing. It is. Yeah.

Adam (75:44)

But it goes back to the whole thing of, like. Well, you didn't say so. I didn't say you. You know what I mean? Like, that whole, like, well, you didn't do this, so I'm not gonna do that. You know, that whole stupid. So it's the same. Same thing.

Danielle (75:56)

I guess sometimes we feel like maybe you guys don't seem like you're not confident, and so maybe we don't feel like you need to hear it as much and. But we need to remember that that's probably not true.

Adam (76:11)

Right. So, yeah, all of our fe feelings are, you know, what we think the other person wants or needs or, you.

Danielle (76:18)

Know, that makes sense.

Adam (76:19)

Yeah.

Danielle (76:19)

Yeah. Oh, I will definitely work on that. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Adam (76:24)

So do I. Damn, that's some progress right there.

Danielle (76:30)

And. And the last one, you know, we're getting older, both of us.

Adam (76:34)

Stop saying but.

Danielle (76:35)

It's true.

Adam (76:36)

47. Okay, 87.

Danielle (76:38)

Well, listen, my body just does not feel 27. My body feels 47.

Adam (76:44)

Does it really?

Danielle (76:45)

Yes, it really does.

Adam (76:48)

Mine doesn't.

Danielle (76:49)

Okay, fantastic. I'm so happy for you. But, you know, I. I think as we're getting older, this goes back to like the perimenopause and all of that. Like, I. I want someone who is going. I. Okay. One thing I will say about my dad and my. My dad and I, you know, I think my dad is a phenomenal human. I fucking love him so much. I think one.

Adam (77:14)

Me too.

Danielle (77:14)

Yeah. But I think one thing my dad is amazing at, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with he's a doctor and, you know, he always had elderly patients and everything. The way I see him take care of my mom is something like I've never seen. And she really does for the way he needs it. Take care of him too. Maybe not physically, but she is very, very loving to him. She is very affectionate with him. She makes sure that he's not stressed, that he's, you know, like, it's a different thing. Dynamic back and forth. What?

Adam (77:50)

No, no, I'm just picturing it.

Danielle (77:52)

You know, I'm the first to say about my mom when I think something.

Adam (77:55)

I love your mom. She's the most wonderful person. Person. I love her.

Danielle (78:02)

I have my issues too, as everybody does.

Adam (78:04)

No issues. I'm just saying she's wonderful to. To be loving to everybody. You know what I mean? Like.

Danielle (78:13)

Well, no, I think. I think their marriage has been very much. My mom. What my mom gave my dad has always been what he didn't get growing up.

Adam (78:23)

Which is what?

Danielle (78:24)

Laughter, humor, light heartedness. I mean, to this day, he's 82 years old and she's still trying to get him to calm the fuck down and, like, not worry about every CVS purchase of, you know, a box of chocolates. Like, it's been a journey, you know, it's just been a journey. And. And I think that she's very good. Listen again. I'll say it again. Your parents had their marriage, my parents have their marriage. I don't want it to be our marriage. I'm saying this is one thing. I think seeing them at 80 and 82, I see them doing really well.

Adam (79:02)

I love it. Yeah.

Danielle (79:03)

And that is this. That they really do take care of each other. And I think that a lot of that probably does come with age and knowing that you need to. You don't want your partner to fall down a flight of steps. You don't want your partner, you know, but. But even at 47, like, I want someone who is going to. And you know, and there are times that you do this, like, you are good about. Like, if I'm in bed and I'm super tired, you know, I have PMS or my parents. You do bring me a coffee. Like, those types of things. I'm. I really. Maybe I don't say it enough. I really do value. Like, those are things I've made memes about it.

Adam (79:43)

No, I'm so happy you're saying that, but it's true. That's sweet. Not romantic.

Danielle (79:48)

That's. That's sweet and that's caretaking, you know, that I have to have my fucking morning coffee and I'm PMSing and it's really hard to get out of bed because right now PMS is perimenopause together and it's a goddamn nightmare. But, you know, I think. I think that kind of thing being taken care of, you know, there are times when my dad will say no to me just because he's like, I will not have mom come out of the house and do that. I will not do that. I will not let her walk right now. When it's. And a little bit, I'm sort of like, all right, she's not. She's fine. Like. But in my head, I'm like, that's really sweet. He's really looking out for her. He's protecting her. And I guess I've always been wanting a protector, you know, and so that is part of it, you know, the. No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to let her do this. This is outside of her bandwidth. And so, no, we're not going to go to this or we're not going to. Yeah. So that kind of thing. Just. Just to know what's going on, you know. And you do. You have been, like, asking me with. I went to the gynecologist the other day and, you know, I have to get, like, I had my period last time for 10 days because of it. And you did, like, ask me more than once. Do you want to tell me about it? Like, how did it go? And I was really grateful for that. And that shows that you're. You're. You're getting there.

Adam (81:11)

Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm getting there.

Danielle (81:14)

By the time I'm dead, you are going to be perfect.

Adam (81:17)

I did. I will know all about your periods.

Danielle (81:19)

Yes.

Adam (81:20)

By the time.

Danielle (81:20)

By the time I don't have it anymore.

Adam (81:22)

Yes, exactly.

Danielle (81:23)

No, seriously, you know, and I will again, you know, and I will try to do the same for you.

Adam (81:28)

And listen, I think moral of the story is we don't know what goes on inside each other's heads, each other's bodies. We need to learn about this stuff. Me as a man, I guess I need a lot more learning than you do.

Danielle (81:46)

And you have to make up for a lot of lost time.

Adam (81:48)

Sure, fair. But I'm there for each step of the way making wrong decisions or bad ideas to find out, okay, this is the right way to do the right thing or ask the right questions or learning as we go. Things are changing. Like I can't know everything along the way unless I, unless you, you help me learn.

Danielle (82:17)

But this is the first time you're listening.

Adam (82:19)

Yes.

Danielle (82:19)

Yes.

Adam (82:20)

Yeah.

Danielle (82:20)

And that's the difference.

Adam (82:21)

Yeah, I know, I know, I just rambled.

Danielle (82:23)

But no, no, no, for real, that, that is the difference. And that is one thing that I think if I went back to say to my younger self or again spoke to people who were younger and getting married or thinking about getting married or whatever is, you know, make sure you find a partner who is not a project, who is. Or if.

Adam (82:44)

Okay.

Danielle (82:45)

No, seriously.

Adam (82:45)

No, but I think that we're all projects, right? Like we're all learning and progressing and growing as we are with each other for so many years.

Danielle (82:54)

I think a project is, It's a bad word too. It is, it's a terrible word. However, sometimes it does feel like that are, I don't know, do I have a partner? Or is this a project that I'm trying to. And I'm going to get for saying that. I'm sure.

Adam (83:07)

But, but you're right. And I think we all feel that way about each other.

Danielle (83:11)

Okay.

Adam (83:12)

To a point.

Danielle (83:12)

But I think that there is a self awareness that needs to be there. Again, I, I would say ask your partner. What if we, you know, would you be willing to do therapy even if we're not struggling? Would you be willing to, you know, read a book with me about being pregnant? Even though you're not the one who's going to be pregnant, Would you be what? Like all of these things that like I wish I had demanded when I was younger, you know, you don't know about what was going on with me when we were pregnant.

Adam (83:46)

And I still think, like I said at the beginning, beginning of this episode, you go to a 28 year old dude.

Danielle (83:53)

No, I won't agree with that.

Adam (83:55)

No, I'm not saying I'm Right. I'm just portraying my thoughts here. I want you to be there and read a book with me about, like.

Danielle (84:04)

Then you run the other way. That is a red flag.

Adam (84:07)

Okay?

Danielle (84:07)

And nobody needs to, I, I, I, Nobody needs to spend this long trying to convince someone that they should understand what you're going through.

Adam (84:18)

Correct. I agree with you. And that's why less guys are getting married these days, because they're not mature enough and prepared enough for all of these things. Because until we're 35 or women are.

Danielle (84:31)

Getting more selective, that's fine.

Adam (84:33)

Yeah. Whatever the reason. Yeah, whatever the reason is, sure. I'm just saying, for the most part, some guys are obviously. But for, you know, for the most part, they're not at that stage to be able to make these commitments or sacrifices in their, in their minds to do these kinds of things. It's. And it, And I guess the proof is in the. I don't want to say in the pudding, like, I wanna, you know, but marriage rates are down.

Danielle (85:01)

I hope women are getting more demanding. Yeah, well, they are fine with marriage.

Adam (85:04)

Marriage rates are down. Baby rates are down. All the things are down. Like, people are not. We said it before. Like, that's why they're all down. I think.

Danielle (85:13)

Well, I also think you never meet a woman who got divorced and who, I mean, I haven't. Who was like, I made a wrong choice. I've never met a woman who got divorced who said she made a wrong choice ever.

Adam (85:29)

What do you mean, wrong choice?

Danielle (85:31)

Like, I wanted to leave him, but maybe I shouldn't.

Adam (85:34)

Like, she was like, she knew.

Danielle (85:36)

Oh, yeah. She was like, my life will be so much better. And I recognize that. And I also think that a lot of younger women are hearing that, and I think that that is a big deal that, you know, you do need to. And I also think that it's becoming more and more acceptable. Like, women are like, I can get great sex without getting married. You know, I can get really great companionship.

Adam (86:05)

Yes and no. Right.

Danielle (86:08)

Like, why can't you have a. Someone who learns about you and knows your body?

Adam (86:13)

So, okay, so without getting married, but being with somebody for a certain amount.

Danielle (86:17)

Of time, whatever, just. Yeah. Being. Yeah. Saying. Finding a friend who's. Who knows?

Adam (86:23)

Well, yes and no. I mean, like, if you and I being married, like, our sex is wonderful because we know each other. We know each other's bodies, we know what each other likes. But if you and I met yesterday, our sex would not be what it is because we've been married for 20 years.

Danielle (86:40)

It depends how communicative you are. Are you asking what I like? Are you asking, Are you staying focused on what I. What my needs are? What my needs are?

Adam (86:48)

But, but our sexual intimate, you know, the intimacy that we have. I think I'm in tune to you. You're in tune to me at this point now.

Danielle (86:56)

Right, but if I take as long to do that once you started being attuned to it.

Adam (87:03)

Right. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Like, being married is what.

Danielle (87:08)

No.

Adam (87:08)

Having caused that to happen.

Danielle (87:09)

Well, being communicative with each other caused that to happen.

Adam (87:12)

Okay.

Danielle (87:12)

Being able to talk to each other.

Adam (87:14)

Okay.

Danielle (87:14)

So if you find a partner who's communicative. A sexual partner.

Adam (87:18)

Yeah, but it takes a long time.

Danielle (87:19)

I don't know. I don't know if people are really.

Adam (87:22)

Willing to, like, you're not going to be on a second date and be like, oh, now we know each other. You know what I mean?

Danielle (87:26)

No, not know each other, but you might. Maybe men are, I don't know, hopefully researching more about women's needs and know that it doesn't. If a woman pretends to have an orgasm in five minutes, it's probably not true. You know, like those kind of things that men for a long time didn't even bother to know and now they're maybe bothering to know.

Adam (87:50)

Right. But I think it. I think it's, you know, it's both ways. Like, there's things about me that I think you've learned only in the last year of things that I like and things that I don't and things that.

Danielle (88:04)

Well, but I would have learned them a lot, lot sooner if you weren't so hard to communicate with.

Adam (88:10)

With.

Danielle (88:11)

That wasn't my fault.

Adam (88:12)

Yeah, but it's really hard to get.

Danielle (88:14)

You to talk about it.

Adam (88:14)

I don't think that would have happened if we were dating like two months into it.

Danielle (88:18)

You know, boyfriend, girlfriend is different now. I think that younger people have much more transparency.

Adam (88:25)

Possibly. I have no idea. I mean.

Danielle (88:27)

Yeah, I think so. I think so.

Adam (88:29)

Okay, fair enough.

Danielle (88:30)

Yeah, but. But sure, once we started really communicating with each other, shit changed real fast.

Adam (88:37)

Yeah, it did. And you know, like, what to do now.

Danielle (88:40)

Well, and you do too.

Adam (88:41)

Yeah.

Danielle (88:42)

And. But it's because for the first time ever, you're paying attention that.

Adam (88:47)

Damn right I am.

Danielle (88:48)

Right. So I'm saying if someone pays attention earlier, you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't have to take, wait, I want 20 years.

Adam (88:55)

We have to do an episode about this. What, what we're talking about, like, an intimacy sexual.

Danielle (89:01)

Like we're due. We're due.

Adam (89:03)

Because everything you're talking about now, like, there's so much.

Danielle (89:06)

Okay, how, how detailed are you willing to get?

Adam (89:11)

What do I care?

Danielle (89:12)

Oh, okay, great. Awesome video. Let's do it. Yeah, no, I think it would be actually. Really? Look, the only reason we do intimacy episodes is because I think they, that we both think we're, they're helpful and we've been, you know, if you haven't listened to Awakening the Sex Talk Demons episode, please go listen. Yeah, but that's one of our best. But we need an update.

Adam (89:32)

I think what, what we could talk about would.

Danielle (89:35)

That's. But what I'm saying, that was step one. We need an update.

Adam (89:39)

So step.

Danielle (89:40)

Maybe that'll be our next one, Our next episode.

Adam (89:43)

Well, we have the video, so we can just, you know.

Danielle (89:45)

Well, what we could do is we'll, we'll, we'll play a segment from, From Waking the Sex Talk Demons and talk about how it's changed. That'd be really, really good. But go listen to that. I think it's from like two summers ago, 2022, maybe. Awakening sex.

Adam (90:01)

It's so different now.

Danielle (90:03)

That's one of our most downloadables. Yeah, but like, of course, but because we did it. We had the conversations. It was a horrible conversation. I would never want to have it again. But we did. So.

Adam (90:15)

And it's a good thing we did.

Danielle (90:16)

Good thing we did. Yes. All right, so yeah, I guess rate and review you enjoy. Please, please.

Adam (90:23)

I laugh every time you say Apple and Spotify.

Danielle (90:26)

I also did the buy me a coffee because right now, you know, I am speaking up so much on my platform and everything. And I, I again, I said that there's a lot of people who aren't and they are getting all the brand deals and everything. If you would love to buy me or us a coffee, meet me. Maybe more because I'm speaking out and everything. That would be fantastic. Buy me a coffee.com Marriage martinis, our 30 day challenge that we have spoken about here and that CBS Sunday Morning just did a thing on. Oh, then yes, then that's on the website and the date night book. And yeah, we will be back next week.

Adam (91:07)

Awesome.

Danielle (91:08)

All right, thanks, guys. Bye. Sa.

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