Podcast
Master Your Marriage
Hosted by Sharla and Robert Snow · EN
The average couple waits 6 years to get help in their marriage. That's 6 years of pain, hurt, frustration and lost opportunity.
This podcast is designed to help you NOT become a part of that statistic.
Hosted by Dr. Robert and Sharla Snow — themselves married for 31 years — The Master Your Marriage show is here with straight-talking guidance on how to fill your marriage with fun, friendship and love, without it ever feeling like "hard work."
No matter how long you've been struggling with your marriage, or how long it's been since you've felt that "spark," we promise you, there is hope!
Your MASTERFUL marriage starts here.
28episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
How Withdrawal Slowly Ends Marriages
2w ago00:28:04Tap to summarizeIn the final episode of our 8-week series on Losing Relationship Strategies, we explore withdrawal — one of the most subtle, sneaky, and destructive patterns couples fall into. Robert and Sharla unpack how disengaging from the relationship (emotionally, physically, sexually, digitally, or even at the level of choice) slowly erodes connection and can eventually lead to living parallel lives.You’ll learn:How withdrawal shows up in both extreme and everyday forms — from stonewalling and “fine” syndrome to digital escape, martyr mode, over-investment in kids/career/hobbies, and the especially sneaky pattern of withdrawing from choosing the marriage while still physically staying in it.The dangerous “Distance and Isolation Cascade” identified by John Gottman that often leads to divorce.Why the opposite of love isn’t hate — it’s apathy.The critical difference between unhealthy withdrawal and healthy mature acceptance (including Dr. Terry Real’s powerful reckoning question and the beautiful Phyllis & Doug story).How to practice responsible distance-taking instead of stonewalling or silent check-out.The #1 rule that reveals whether you’re truly accepting something or quietly withdrawing.This episode is filled with honest self-reflection, practical tools, and hope. If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are just coexisting instead of truly connecting, this one is for you.Key TakeawaysWithdrawal is disinvesting from the relationship — usually when we’re not getting what we want.You can’t get your needs met by pulling away.The presence of resentment is the clearest sign you’re in withdrawal, not acceptance.Responsible space-taking always includes an understanding + a promise of return.Awareness of your patterns is the first step to interrupting them.Journaling QuestionsWhich losing strategies do you favor? Where might you be withdrawing from fully choosing the relationship?Where did you learn these strategies? Who modeled them growing up?In your opinion — which losing strategies does your spouse tend to use?How might your strategies feed into your partner’s (and vice versa)?Share your observations about yourself with your partner (not about them).Resources MentionedThe New Rules of Marriage by Dr. Terry RealThe work of Drs. John & Julie GottmanThe work of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-FifeIf this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave a rating and review — it helps us reach more couples who need this message. And if you know someone who might benefit, please share this episode with them.Thank you for joining us through this entire Losing Strategies series. Be kind and take care of each other this week. It really is the small things done often that make the biggest difference.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →The Half-In, Half-Out Marriage
3w ago00:23:21Tap to summarizeAre you physically in your relationship but emotionally somewhere in the middle? Torn between choosing in fully or choosing out, yet stuck in painful limbo? In this episode, we explore Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s powerful insights on the losing strategy of indecision — that quiet, exhausting place of straddling that slowly erodes your happiness, self-respect, and connection.Drawing from her deep work with couples on intimacy and relationships, Dr. Finlayson-Fife explains why avoiding clear choice feels safer in the moment but becomes one of the most costly paths we can take. You’ll hear honest stories, research-backed truths, and practical wisdom about confronting our human limits and learning to choose with greater clarity and courage.What You’ll Learn:Why every decision (including not deciding) closes doors — and how facing that reality actually creates more meaning and joyThe fantasy of “keeping options open” and why it quietly destroys marriages and personal well-beingReal-life examples of straddling in dating, long-term marriage, and major life decisions like divorceHow to know when you’ve gathered enough information and when it’s time to step fully in or outPractical ways to stop overthinking, calm the anxiety of indecision, and choose from your most honest selfWhat choosing in with integrity looks like — even when the marriage isn’t perfect and intimacy has sufferedThe difference between a clear-eyed commitment and resentful limboFeaturing powerful ideas from Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks and Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice, this episode offers a compassionate but clear-eyed look at one of the most common patterns that keeps people stuck.If you’ve ever felt trapped between yes and no, this conversation will help you understand what’s really happening — and how moving out of the indecision trap can bring relief, clarity, and a more fulfilling life and relationship.Resources Mentioned:Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver BurkemanThe Paradox of Choice by Barry SchwartzThat We Might Have Joy: Desire, Divinity & Intimate Love by Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-FifeListen now and take an honest look at where you might be half-in, half-out — and what choosing differently could open up for you.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Defensiveness Is Blocking Real Intimacy
3w ago00:22:36Tap to summarizeDefensiveness feels so natural — like self-protection — but it quietly destroys connection and growth in marriage. In this episode, we unpack why defensiveness is one of the most corrosive behaviors in relationships, how it protects your ego at the expense of true intimacy, and what it really costs you and your partner.We explore:How marriage is designed to grow you up — and why defensiveness fights against that purposeThe Gottman Institute’s “Four Horsemen” and why defensiveness is so dangerousThe ego’s role in defensiveness and the powerful Byron Katie quote: “Defense is the first act of war”What defensiveness looks like in real life (one-up and one-down versions)The irony of pushing away the mirror while your spouse and kids clearly see your blind spotsBrené Brown’s insights on armor, shame, and daring to take feedback from people who are “in the arena” with youMost importantly, we share practical tools to overcome defensiveness:Simple phrases that keep your mind open instead of closedHow to shift from defending to truly listening and taking responsibilityThe courage required for real intimacy: being willing to know and be knownIf you’ve ever felt yourself getting defensive during a hard conversation, or wondered why connection feels blocked in your relationship, this episode will give you both awareness and hope.Journaling Questions for the Week:How does my functioning change when my ego gets hurt or criticized?What wisdom do I want to remember the next time I feel myself getting defensive?What do I want to remember to say or do the next time I feel myself getting defensive?If this episode resonated with you, please leave a 5-star review and share it with a couple who might need it. Small changes in how we respond can create big ripples in our marriages.Be kind to each other this week — it’s the small things done often that make the biggest impact.Resources Mentioned:The Gottman InstituteDaring to Lead by Brené BrownByron Katie’s workGet in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage
Apr 1500:27:56Tap to summarizeYou smile, nod, and say “yes”… while inside you’re quietly dying a little.If you’ve ever kept the peace by biting your tongue, agreeing when you don’t really agree, or saying yes when you mean no, this episode is for you. Today we’re talking about appeasement — that sneaky losing strategy also known as people-pleasing, complying, or masking your true thoughts just to keep your spouse comfortable.In this episode, Sharla breaks down why being “nice” and avoiding conflict can actually create deep resentment over time. You’ll learn where the drive to people-please comes from (hint: it often starts in childhood), the six hidden ways it quietly damages your marriage, and why it blocks real intimacy and mutuality.Most importantly, you’ll discover how to move from masking and compliance into honest, responsible truth-telling — without swinging to the opposite extreme of rebellion or cold distance. Because real connection requires both people to show up as their actual selves.We also explore the important difference between genuine, loving sacrifice and fear-based people-pleasing — and why one strengthens your marriage while the other slowly erodes it.Homework for this week:Grab your journal and reflect on these questions:When was the last time I went along with something resentfully just to keep the peace? What has this cost our relationship?Make a list of the resentments I still hold toward my partner. How many stem from avoiding an honest conversation about my own needs or desires?When have I looked the other way while my partner was accommodating me at their own expense?What would it look like if we were more honest with each other about our individual desires?What’s one small change I can make today?If it feels safe, consider discussing one or two of these questions together as a couple.Key Takeaway:Being nice isn’t the problem. Masking your real thoughts and feelings to avoid discomfort is. When you learn to speak truthfully and own your choices (even when it’s uncomfortable), you create space for deeper trust, respect, and real intimacy in your marriage.New episodes drop every week. Subscribe so you don’t miss the next losing strategy we’re unpacking in this series.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Retaliation in Marriage: Why ‘You Hurt Me First’ Never Works
Apr 800:24:45Tap to summarizeIn this episode of Master Your Marriage, we continue our series on the losing strategies that quietly sabotage even the best relationships. Today we’re diving deep into the fourth one: retaliation (also called punishment).Retaliation sounds simple: “You hurt me, so I’m going to make you feel exactly what I’m feeling.” It shows up as overt criticism, sarcasm, yelling… or the more subtle, covert version—silent treatment, withholding affection, passive-aggression, or “Eh, it was fine.”Terry Real calls this a perverse form of communication—a twisted attempt at repair. Deep down, we’re hoping our partner will finally “get it,” feel remorse, and become accountable. But ironically, it always fails. Instead of creating understanding, it destroys connection and strips away our own sense of agency.We explore:The two main forms of retaliation: direct (mean) and indirect (mean-spirited)Why “offending from the victim position” feels so justified (“They started it!”)How almost all perpetrators see themselves as victimsThe surprising truth that retaliation costs us the two things we want most—connection and independenceReal-life examples, including a powerful client story about self-deceptionThe good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in this reactive pattern. Terry Real teaches us to shift from first consciousness (our automatic, ego-driven, hurt-child response) to second consciousness—our mature, wise adult self. This shift allows us to stay honest about our feelings while keeping connection alive. We share simple ways to pause, breathe, and respond from that calmer, more loving place instead of punishing.If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “They deserve this” or “I’m only doing this because of what they did,” this episode is for you. It’s time to take retaliation off the table and move toward the choice-based marriage you truly want.Journaling Questions for This Week:When was the last time I withheld affection or approval from someone I love?How did I feel after?What was I trying to get by punishing the other person?How did that work out for me? Did I get what I really wanted? And if so, at what cost?Resources & Further Reading:Terry Real’s book: The New Rules of MarriageRelational Life Institute (Terry Real’s trainings and resources)Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Needing to Be Right: Just Because You Think You're Right, Doesn’t Mean You Get to Prove It!
Apr 100:24:36Tap to summarizeIn this episode of Marriage 101, we’re unpacking Losing Strategy #3: Needing to Be Right.We’ve all been there — that looping argument where both people are convinced they’re right and neither will back down. Today we explore why the deep human need to be right can quietly destroy connection in marriage, even when we think we’re just “telling the truth.”We dive into:Why our brains are wired to need to be right (confirmation bias explained)How none of us have a “God camera” — our memories and perceptions are subjective, not objectiveThe real-life cost of always needing to prove your pointSneaky ways this strategy shows up (collecting allies, acting morally superior, using “experts,” etc.)Why even when your intentions are good, fighting to be right pushes your partner awayRobert and I share two practical rules we use in our own relationship to break the “who’s right” cycle, plus real-world examples of how this pattern plays out in everyday moments.Reflection Questions:When was the last time I was in a conversation with someone who needed to be right, and what was that like for me?When have I felt justified in proving that I was right?What might my best self do differently in those moments?What wisdom from this episode do I want to remember next time I feel the urge to prove my point?Here is the good news. Simply becoming aware of this losing strategy is the first step toward real change. Shifting from “I need to be right” to genuine curiosity about your partner’s experience can transform your relationship.If this episode hit home, please take a moment to leave a 5-star review and comment — it helps more couples find the show!Be kind to each other this week. Put each other first. It’s the small things done often that create the biggest impact.Next week: We continue the Losing Strategies series with Strategy #4.Subscribe so you don’t miss it!Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Controlling Your Partner: Just Because You Want Them to Change, Doesn't Mean You Get to Control Them (And Push Them Away)
Mar 2600:25:51Tap to summarizeIn this week’s episode of Master Your Marriage, we continue our series on Terry Real’s Losing Strategies in relationships. Last week we unpacked Unbridled Expression. This week we dive into Losing Strategy #2: Controlling Your Partner.We all slip into control tactics — sometimes overtly through criticism, insults, or demands, and sometimes more subtly through guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blame-shifting, triangulation, or emotional manipulation. While these behaviors may give us a quick sense of relief or power when we’re in “The Crunch,” they ultimately damage trust, create resentment, build emotional walls, and erode intimacy.Sharla and Robert explore:Why our brains are wired to crave control (and why it almost always backfires)How control shows up in both overt and covert waysThe real hidden cost of trying to manage our partner’s behavior, choices, or emotionsWhy “If only you would change…” is such a compelling but losing strategyIf you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “If only my partner would just…”, this episode will hit home. Learn how to recognize control in yourself and move toward real connection instead.Journal Prompts from this episode:When do you notice “The Crunch” — that frustration when things aren’t going the way you want?How do you reach for control in those moments? Which tactics show up for you?What would your wisest, most loving self do differently next time?Consider sharing one honest insight about your own behavior (not theirs) with your partner.Resources Mentioned:Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy and The New Rules of MarriageJohn Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism)If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave us a 5-star review and comment — it helps us reach more couples. Share it with someone who might need these tools right now.Subscribe so you don’t miss next week’s Losing Strategy!New episodes drop every week. Thanks for being part of the MYM family.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Unbridled Expression: Just Because You Think It, Doesn't Mean You Get to Say It (And Hurt Your Spouse)
Mar 1800:25:03Tap to summarizeIn this powerful episode of Master Your Marriage, Robert and Sharla dive into one of the most common yet destructive patterns in relationships: unbridled expression—the impulsive, unrestrained venting of every thought, feeling, or frustration without filters, compassion, or self-control.Drawing from Terry Real’s framework of “Losing Strategies,” they explain why “just keeping it real” or dumping emotions (what Terry calls the “barf bag approach”) always backfires, creating distance instead of closeness. You’ll hear how this shows up as criticism, name-calling, contempt, and more—and why it’s so damaging.Robert and Sharla share personal stories from their own marriage and client experiences, including childhood patterns where one person’s emotions dominated the home. They reference Dr. John Gottman’s research showing contempt as the #1 predictor of divorce (often called “sulfuric acid” for relationships) and Dr. Murray Bowen’s insight: “We all have an adult and an infant inside of us, but the infant doesn't have to run the show.”The episode explores the regressive brain under stress, the absence of empathy in these moments, and why focusing on self-awareness (not blaming your partner) is the path to real change.Key TakeawaysUnbridled expression is a losing strategy: Saying whatever you think/feel without restraint pressures your partner and erodes goodwill.Contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, superiority) is the most corrosive behavior in relationships and predicts divorce more than any other factor.Reactive impulses feel powerful in the moment but destroy connection—true intimacy requires boundaries and self-control.Relationships reveal our immaturities so we can heal them—shift focus from “fixing” your partner to owning your own reactivity.Journaling prompts included: Reflect on your patterns, analyze better responses, and plan ahead to interrupt old habits.Resources & Experts MentionedTerry Real (mentor and creator of Relational Life Therapy; Losing Strategies including unbridled self-expression)Dr. John Gottman (research on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships, with contempt as the top predictor of divorce)Dr. Murray Bowen (family systems theory; the adult vs. infant/regressive mind)Journaling Questions to Reflect On This WeekWhen I’m frustrated or not getting what I want, what strategies do I use? (When have I fallen into unbridled expression?)How might my words/behaviors hurt my spouse or the relationship?Where did I learn these patterns? (Who modeled this growing up?)What would my best self do instead in those triggering moments?What upcoming situations give me a chance to practice restraint—and what wisdom can I remember when I feel flooded?Call to ActionIf this episode resonated, be sure to subscribe, rate or comment. And share with someone else who needs this information.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Saving Your Marriage Solo: Transforming Your Relationship Without Your Spouse's Help with Casey and Meygan Caston
Mar 1200:50:27Tap to summarizeIn this episode, Sharla and Robert sit down with Casey and Megan Caston of Marriage 365. They reveal powerful tools and habits that any couple can implement today to build a healthier, more connected relationship—whether you're in crisis or just looking to grow together.Key Topics:The importance of focusing on self-improvement first in marriageHow habits like specific love language actions foster connectionThe four-step apology framework to rebuild trustThe role of intention and setting relationship goalsMaking systems and structures work for your marriageThe impact of consistent communication and small daily actionsBreaking generational cycles of divorce and conflictHow to create and maintain a safety “bubble” in your relationshipResources:Marriage 365 WebsiteThe Marriage Habit (Book) (search for title)Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Why You Can’t Get Out of Bed (It’s Not Laziness or Depression); The Nervous System Science Behind Shutdown
Mar 400:24:49Tap to summarizeWith everything heavy in the world right now, I’ve been feeling that “stuck” feeling myself — so I recorded this last-minute episode for you.We’re talking about the viral “bed rotting” trend and what’s really happening in your body when you can’t get out of bed. You’ll learn:• The three nervous system states (ventral vagal, sympathetic, dorsal vagal)• How they line up with the Window of Tolerance you’ve heard me talk about before• What widens or narrows your window• How to tell if you’re in genuine rest, passive consumption, or full shutdown• The 6 smallest, most effective tools to gently come back onlineWhether you’re in couples coaching with me or a longtime listener, these tools will help you and the person you love move through shutdown with compassion instead of criticism. Your nervous system is just trying to keep you safe — and now you’ll know exactly how to work with it.Key TakeawaysInside the Window = ventral vagal (calm, clear, restorative rest)Above the Window = sympathetic hyperarousal (wired & anxious)Below the Window = dorsal vagal shutdown (numb, heavy, frozen)Bed rotting is usually passive consumption or sliding into shutdown — not true restYour window size changes based on sleep, boundaries, connection, stress & recoveryThe fastest way out of shutdown: micro-movement → 5-4-3-2-1 grounding → voice → get vertical → name what you’re avoiding → reality-check your bandwidthHarshness never works as well as loving firmness (with yourself or your partner)Resources:The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique (do this while still in bed!)Name out loud or silently:5 things you can see4 things you can touch/feel3 things you can hear2 things you can smell1 thing you can tasteTakes 60–90 seconds and sends immediate safety signals to your nervous system.Next StepsIf this helped you feel less alone in the “stuck” feeling, share it with your partner or someone you love. Subscribe, leave a quick rating or review (it really helps the show), and remember — putting each other first and doing the small things often is what creates a big impact in your marriage.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →