Podcast
Master Your Marriage
Hosted by Sharla and Robert Snow · EN
The average couple waits 6 years to get help in their marriage. That's 6 years of pain, hurt, frustration and lost opportunity.
This podcast is designed to help you NOT become a part of that statistic.
Hosted by Dr. Robert and Sharla Snow — themselves married for 31 years — The Master Your Marriage show is here with straight-talking guidance on how to fill your marriage with fun, friendship and love, without it ever feeling like "hard work."
No matter how long you've been struggling with your marriage, or how long it's been since you've felt that "spark," we promise you, there is hope!
Your MASTERFUL marriage starts here.
40episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
Breaking the Silent Treatment: How to End the Silence and Reconnect in Your Marriage
2d ago00:24:47Tap to summarizeWe’ve all heard (or said) those loaded words: “We need to talk.” For most of us, they immediately trigger defensiveness and dread. But what happens when conversations stop altogether? In this replay episode, we explore the difference between healthy silence and the damaging silent treatment, why it’s so harmful to your marriage, and practical ways to break the silence and start reconnecting.Whether you’re currently experiencing emotional distance, stonewalling, or a full-blown demand-withdrawal pattern, this conversation offers hope and actionable steps. We discuss real client situations, common pitfalls, and how to approach hard topics without triggering another fight.Key Topics Covered:The critical difference between a productive “adult time-out” and the silent treatmentHow the silent treatment functions as a form of emotional control or abuseWhy research shows the silent treatment activates the same brain areas as physical painPractical scripts and strategies to name the silence and turn toward each other againThe power of “I” statements and acknowledging fear to rebuild connectionIf silence has been growing in your relationship, this episode will help you take that first brave step back toward one another.Key TakeawaysSilence can be golden when it’s a mutual agreement to revisit the conversation later. The silent treatment is a refusal to engage at all.The silent treatment leaves the other person feeling rejected, unimportant, and unloved — and over time it erodes trust and intimacy.Avoiding conflict doesn’t work. Unspoken issues build until there’s no emotional energy left to fight for the marriage.The best way to break the silence is to name it out loud, using vulnerable “I” statements and acknowledging your fears.Small, consistent efforts to turn toward each other are what keep couples from drifting apart.Resources & Further ReadingMeta-analysis on the demand/withdraw pattern: Schrodt, P., Witt, P., & Shimkowski, J. (2014). Communication MonographsAdditional research: NCBI article on the silent treatment and its effectsConnect With UsWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: @masteryourmarriageFacebook: Master Your MarriageLooking for personalized support? Schedule a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us — we work with couples ready to do the real work of repair.Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem (And How to Fix It)
1w ago00:31:14Tap to summarizeMost of us get defensive without even realizing it — and it’s one of the fastest ways connection breaks down in marriage. In this episode, we explore why defensiveness is actually a self-esteem issue at its core.We break down how defensiveness shows up differently depending on whether you’re coming from shame (one-down) or grandiosity (one-up), and why neither position allows for real repair or intimacy. Sharla shares a personal story from her own life and explains how healthy self-esteem gives us the ability to feel proportionate guilt without collapsing into shame.You’ll also get a simple, practical intervention you can use in the moment — including a physical technique and two powerful mantras — to help you move out of defensiveness and back into “same as” with your partner.If you’ve ever felt like you get defensive even when you don’t want to, this episode will help you understand why… and give you tools to actually change it.In This Episode:Why defensiveness is a symptom of distorted self-esteemThe difference between one-up (grandiosity) and one-down (shame) defensivenessHow grandiosity blinds us to the impact we have on othersWhat healthy self-esteem actually looks like in real momentsA simple body-based intervention to get out of defensivenessTwo mantras to help you return to “same as”Journaling prompts to help you notice and interrupt defensiveness fasterKey Tools & Practices:Physical Centering Technique: Pull yourself up from shame or down from grandiosity until you feel centered and “same as.”Mantra for Shame: “I’m enough and I matter despite…”Mantra for Grandiosity: “Each person has inherent worth. No one more than. No one less than.”This week’s journaling prompts to track your defensiveness patternsAction Step This Week:The next time you feel defensiveness rising, try the physical centering move with one of the mantras. Then journal:What triggered it?Was it more one-up or one-down?Did the intervention help?Connect With Us:Website: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: @masteryourmarriageFacebook: Master Your MarriageIf this episode helped you, please leave a comment or review and share it with someone who needs it.Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →Mini Episode: Real Self Esteem, Shame & Grandiosity (Listener Questions)
2w ago00:05:29Tap to summarizeIn this quick mid-week bonus episode, Sharla answers two listener questions from our current series on Real Self Esteem and the distortions of shame and grandiosity.We explore:Why you can feel confident and know your worth, yet still hear harsh critical voices from your parentsHow to pursue excellence and high performance without falling into grandiosity or one-up-nessThe different “parts” of us (healthy adult vs. adaptive child) and why this mattersThese short bonus episodes are our new way of answering your questions in a more casual format between full episodes.Have a question? Send it to masteryourmarriage@gmail.com — we may feature it next week!Stay tuned for next week’s full episode where we’ll go deeper into practical tools for this work.Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →How Adapting to Trauma Wires Us for Shame
2w ago00:30:27Tap to summarizeThis is part two of our shame series. Be sure to listen to last week's episode for an introduction into shame and how it relates to self-esteem.In this episode, we go deeper into the real reason shame and grandiosity show up in our relationships. We explore how early childhood experiences shape a part of our psyche called the Adaptive Child — the part that learned to survive through fight, flight, or fix strategies.You’ll learn why these once-brilliant survival patterns often become the very thing that keeps us stuck in shame cycles as adults. We break down the three parts of the psyche, how trauma gets stored in the Adaptive Child, and what it actually takes to re-parent that younger part of ourselves with compassion and firmness.If you’ve ever wondered why your reactions feel so automatic and intense in relationships, or why “just loving yourself” hasn’t worked, this episode will give you the missing piece.In this episode, you’ll discover:The three parts of the psyche and why most of us spend our adult lives in the Adaptive ChildHow fight, flight, or fix becomes your default survival strategyWhy the Adaptive Child carries and replays shame and grandiosityHow childhood trauma (big or small) wires these patterns into your nervous systemThe powerful truth that shame and grandiosity are actually the same emotion pointed in two different directionsHow to begin re-parenting your Adaptive Child so it no longer runs your relationshipsConnect With Us:Website: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →The Shame Cycle That’s Hurting Your Marriage
3w ago00:26:37Tap to summarizeMost of us are walking around with a relationship to ourselves that is pretty dysfunctional — and we don’t even realize it. We bounce back and forth between shame and grandiosity, sometimes minute by minute, and this constant internal cycle quietly damages our marriages.In this first episode of our new series, we unpack what real self-esteem actually is, how shame and grandiosity act as two sides of the same coin, and why so much of the disconnection in our relationships actually starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. We also introduce the three types of “outside-in” (or pseudo) self-esteem that many of us unknowingly rely on.If you’ve ever felt like you’re not enough one minute and superior the next — or wondered why connection with your partner sometimes feels so hard — this episode will give you language for what’s actually happening.What You’ll Learn in This Episode:Why shame and grandiosity are both distortions of real self-esteem (and how they show up in marriage)The difference between inside-out self-esteem and the “outside-in” versions we often rely onThe three types of outside-in (pseudo) self-esteem: performance-based, others-based, and attribute-basedWhy we bounce between shame and grandiosity — and how this “cycle” affects the safety and closeness in our relationshipsThe very first step to interrupting the pattern: building awareness through a simple noticing practiceYour Practice This Week:Keep a simple Noticing Journal for the next 1–2 weeks. Each time you notice your internal state shifting (especially around your spouse), jot down:What just happened? (the trigger)What did you notice in your body first?What emotion was underneath?What thought ran through your mind?No fixing. No judgment. Just noticing.Next Week:In Episode 2, we go much deeper into the shame side of this equation — what it actually looks like in real marriage, how it shows up differently for different people, and what we can do when that one-down feeling takes over.Connect With Us:Website: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →Why Therapy Often Falls Short (Even When It’s Good Therapy)
Jun 2400:23:41Tap to summarizeMany people do deep, sincere work in therapy and gain real insight into their patterns — yet they still find themselves repeating the same painful cycles in their relationships. In this episode, we explore why insight alone often fails to create lasting change and what actually helps us respond differently when we’re triggered. Drawing from the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy, we unpack the three parts of ourselves that show up in moments of conflict and why building the capacity to shift between them is essential for real transformation.In This EpisodeWhy so many people feel like therapy “didn’t work,” even after doing significant personal workThe gap between knowing why we react and actually responding differently in the momentThe three parts of you: the Wise Adult, the Wounded Child, and the Adaptive ChildWhy the Adaptive Child’s survival strategies often override our best intentionsThe difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches — and why both are often neededA simple, practical practice you can start using today to build “second consciousness”A personal story that illustrates what it looks like when someone finally chooses a different responseKey TakeawaysInsight is valuable, but it’s often not enough to interrupt deeply wired patterns when we’re activated.Many adults spend a large portion of their life operating from their Adaptive Child rather than their Wise Adult.Real change happens in the present moment — not while talking about the past.Recovery is active, moment-to-moment work that requires noticing when the Adaptive Child has taken over and gently inviting the Wise Adult back online.Both strengthening the Wise Adult and reducing the intensity of old trauma are important for lasting change.Practical Action StepsTry this simple practice the next time you notice yourself getting reactive:Take a slower, intentional breath (try the 4-7-8 breath: inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8).Gently ask yourself:Which part of me is running right now?Am I in my Adaptive Child, or is my Wise Adult available?What would my Wise Adult want to do differently?This week, keep a short journal and note moments when you noticed yourself in your Adaptive Child. Awareness is where choice begins.Resources MentionedWork of Terry Real and Relational Life TherapyViktor Frankl’s quote on the space between stimulus and responseThomas Hübl’s teaching: “To observe is to have choice”Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
Transcribe →Don’t Run From Tension – Stephen Curry’s Marriage Wisdom
Jun 1800:31:04Tap to summarizeWhat if the secret to a thriving marriage isn’t avoiding conflict… but learning to lean into it?In this episode, Sharla and Robert explore NBA superstar Stephen Curry’s powerful marriage advice from his recent interview with Michelle Obama: “We don’t run away from the tension on the daily.” They unpack why this simple idea is backed by decades of research from John and Julie Gottman, Terry Real, and divorce lawyers — and why so many couples still resist it.You’ll learn:Why 69% of relationship problems are perpetual (and why that’s actually good news)How the 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio works in real life — and what happens when it doesn’t over 5–10 yearsThe compounding effect of small, unaddressed negatives (and how it leads to “falling out of love slowly, then all at once”)Practical ways to reframe tension, use soft startups, get underneath gridlocked issues, and repair quicklyWhether you’ve been married 5 years or 25, this episode will shift how you see conflict in your relationship.Resources & Links Mentioned:Michelle Obama’s IMO Podcast with Stephen & Ayesha Curry (full episode)Medium Article: “Stephen Curry’s Best Marriage Advice Is Backed by Psychologists and Divorce Lawyers”John & Julie Gottman – Fight RightTerry Real – Relational Life TherapyOur Repair Mini-Series (previous episodes)Challenge This Week:The next time tension rises, name it gently: “I’m noticing some tension here, and I want us to lean into it together. What’s going on for you?” Stay in the conversation, listen openly, and make a repair if needed.Research Opportunity:We’re in the early stages of developing a new marriage program and would love your input. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but struggled to connect at home, Sharla would love to hear your story. This is purely for research — no sales pitch. Schedule a quick interview hereCall to Action:If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts — it helps other couples find the show. And be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.Until next time — choose each other, even in the tension.
Transcribe →BONUS EPISODE: Ho’oponopono Forgiveness Meditation - Release Resentment and Free Yourself
Jun 1200:17:21Tap to summarizeBONUS EPISODE - FORGIVENESS MEDITATION TOOL! This guided Ho’oponopono meditation is a powerful companion to Episode 162: “When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? (And When It’s Not)” — and is especially helpful for married couples and partners working to strengthen their relationship.We strongly recommend listening to Episode 162 first. It provides essential context on what forgiveness really means in marriage, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and why this practice can be so transformative for your relationship.How to use this meditation in your marriage: Use this practice regularly — even daily — to gently release resentment and anger toward your spouse or anyone who has wronged you, whether the hurt is big or small. Save this episode so you can return to it whenever you need support. As you make forgiveness a regular part of your marriage, the benefits to your mental health, physical well-being, and connection with your partner are profound.Important Safety Note: Please do not listen while driving or doing anything that requires your full attention. Find a quiet, safe space where you can close your eyes and have at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time.This practice is especially helpful for couples when:You’ve been hurt by your partner and need to release resentmentYou want to reconnect more deeply after a conflict or emotional ruptureYou’re processing the loss of a loved one and want to release them with peacePlease note: This meditation focuses on forgiving others. A separate process for forgiving yourself may be shared in a future episode.Listen to the prerequisite episode first: Episode 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? (And When It’s Not)If you and your spouse want more structured support, reach out at masteryourmarriage.us Thank you for doing this important inner work. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your marriage.Be kind to each other. Take care of each other. Put each other first.
Transcribe →When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? (And When It’s Not)
Jun 1000:22:51Tap to summarizeIn this powerful episode of Master Your Marriage, Sharla and Robert Snow explore one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships: forgiveness. They revisit the subject with fresh insights, addressing common misconceptions, the crucial difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and when it might actually be wise to move slowly on reconciliation — while still choosing internal peace.Through personal stories (including Sharla’s transformational experience with ho’oponopono), real client examples, and science-backed research, you’ll discover how forgiveness is something you do for yourself — not for the offender. Learn how to let go of resentment without losing your boundaries or compromising your safety.Whether you’re working through a small rupture or a deep wound, this episode offers clarity, hope, and practical tools to help you find freedom.Key Takeaways:Forgiveness is an internal process — it does not mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling.You can forgive someone and still maintain strong boundaries (or even choose not to reconcile).Your peace does not have to wait for the other person to change — that’s living at cause.Unforgiveness carries real physical and mental health costs, but forgiveness offers powerful benefits.Resources Mentioned:Companion Episode: Ho’oponopono Forgiveness Meditation (available on Spotify & Apple Podcasts) and available here!Research & Further Reading:Toussaint, L. L., et al. (2016). “Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: A 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study.” Annals of Behavioral Medicine. PubMed Abstract | Full Text (PMC)Toussaint, L. L., et al. (2016). “Effects of Lifetime Stress Exposure on Mental and Physical Health in Young Adulthood: How Stress Degrades and Forgiveness Protects Health.” Journal of Health Psychology. PubMed Abstract | PDFEnright’s Process Model of Forgiveness: International Forgiveness InstituteConnect With Us:Website: masteryourmarriage.usSubscribe on your favorite podcast app and leave a 5-star review — it helps us reach more couples!Follow us on social media @MasterYourMarriageMentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →Making Repairs In The Moment (Conflict Strategies)
Jun 300:29:30Tap to summarizeIn the final episode of our 3-part series on relationship repair, we’re focusing on one of the most practical and powerful tools for any relationship: quick, in-the-moment repairs.Even the happiest couples argue and experience moments of disconnection. What makes the difference isn’t avoiding conflict — it’s how quickly and effectively you repair those inevitable ruptures. In this episode, we explore the science behind why repairing early and often is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success.You’ll learn:What a true “repair attempt” is (any statement or action that de-escalates negativity and moves you back toward connection)Simple, practical ways to reset in the heat of the moment instead of letting things spiralWe also demonstrate real-life examples of in-the-moment repair language you can start using immediately.If you want even more tools, grab our Relationship Repair Quick Guide — packed with ready-to-use repair phrases for different situations (when you feel defensive, flooded, shut down, hurt, etc.). Instant download here:👉 https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/the-relationship-repair-quick-guideRemember: The best repairs are done early and often. Small moments of repair create massive trust and resilience over time.Get in TouchWebsite: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriageFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We’re in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we’re looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you’ve ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I’d really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you’re interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode
Transcribe →