Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Ep 576 – Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Date: September 10, 2025
Guests: Joe List, Nate Marshall

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast" features comedians Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis, joined by Joe List and Nate Marshall. The crew riff on a wide variety of topics, from flying with kids and viral sports moments to ethnic humor, adolescent misadventures, selling drugs as teens, health anxieties, breaking up, social dynamics, and everything in between. The tone remains loose, irreverent, and highly comedic, with personal stories and characteristic banter throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

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1. Flying with Kids and First Class Babies

(00:59 – 03:38)

• Joe List describes traveling constantly with his family, revealing his son has “flown almost exclusively first class…Delta Diamond” (01:13).
• They joke about reactions to children in first class:
  • “People smile at the child in first class and then other people, like, come almost grimace…” – Shane (01:29)
• Shane shares strategies for getting kids settled on flights and the struggle of splitting rows when families board late.
• Nate brings up the online debate about whether passengers should switch seats for parents with children.

Notable Quote:

"Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plane. I don't care if my kid screams and cries. I'm like…and I know people hate that, but it's like, grow the fuck up." — Shane Gillis, (02:58)

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2. Viral Sports Moments and Adult Childishness

(03:48 – 12:07)

• The group discusses viral moments where adults catch balls at games and whether you’re morally obliged to give them to kids.
• Joe tells stories of giving caught shirts and balls to children to feel like a “million bucks” (04:19).
• Discussion of viral "bad behavior": a woman who got booed for demanding a caught ball, doxxings, and internet justice.
• They laugh at the absurdities and judge how they'd react (and fantasize about being the viral hero).

Notable Quote:

"I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral." — Joe List, (04:19)

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3. The Decline of Ethnic (Polish) Jokes, Stereotypes & Origins

(12:01 – 16:25)

• They reflect on the disappearing popularity of Polish jokes and ethnic stereotyping in their childhoods.
• Polish jokes' possible roots in Archie Bunker’s "All in the Family" are discussed (14:24).
• A running riff on the claim that Polish men have the “fattest dicks out of all the world,” with Matt laughing at the word “fat” vs. “thick” (13:25).
• Joe and Shane ruminate on the history and fading of specific ethnic humor — leading to thoughts about how white subgroups only differentiated for them after becoming comedians.

Notable Quote:

"I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all the world." — Shane Gillis (13:19)

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4. Jewish Stereotypes, Admiration, and Comedy

(16:20 – 22:17)

• Nate and Shane discuss growing up not differentiating between white subgroups until entering comedy, especially the nuances of Jewish identity (16:05).
• Shane expresses admiration for Jewish frugality, noting even his dad “would always be like, I love Jewish people… I love how they operate with their money” (17:58).
• Extended bit about examining religion, stereotypes, and who are the “funniest ethnic groups” (20:37). Jews and Black people are agreed as pound-for-pound the funniest (“It’s between Jews and black people, I feel like…” — Matt, 20:41).

Notable Quote:

"If you can hide it a little bit, then you’re not, you know." — Nate Bargatze (16:12)

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5. High School & Life Stories: Relationships, Sex, Hall Passes, Heartbreak

(33:21 – 45:58)

• Discussion about “hall pass” fantasies and how couples navigate those awkward conversations (“All that is a waste of energy” — Shane, paraphrased, 34:01).
• The guys share awkward breakup stories, what it’s like to break up with someone vs. being dumped, and adolescent anxieties over cheating and sex.
• Long, funny digressions about “crush regrets” and missed signals in high school.

Notable Quote:

"I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman…that way if you get caught, you could be like, 'she's a pig!'" — Joe List, (35:21)

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6. Teenage Crime & 'Crack Mobile' Saga

(49:56 – 53:50)

• Nate recounts being sent as a teen to sell crack for older friends — and a disastrous attempt involving a brakeless bicycle, leading to the eponymous "crack mobile" accident:
  • “So I had to, I took the crack and I took their bike…realized…brakes don’t work. So I’m going to sell crack and then I can't stop...” — Nate, (50:18)
  • Two Puerto Rican guys in a car point and laugh as he wipes out, but Nate still completes the crack sale.
• Shane jokes about starting a nonprofit to fix the brakes on young drug dealer’s bikes (51:32).

Notable Quote:

"I want to start a non-profit that repairs young kids who sell crack's bicycles. Just make sure the brakes are good…" — Shane Gillis, (51:32)

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7. Drugs, Anxiety, and Health Obsessions

(53:50 – 58:09)

• Shane and Joe share their total avoidance of cocaine and intense anxiety around heart issues (“All my anxiety…is all like, I associate with heart…my heart will explode. I'll die here.” — Joe, 53:55).
• They poke fun at fitness influencer advice (Huberman), dubious life extension stats, and online health trends like “grip strength" and weird Internet longevity hacks.

Notable Quote:

"Exercise is good for your heart, but having stress is bad for your heart, but they both cause your heart to race. So shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you?" — Joe List, (54:22)

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8. Parenting, Food Choices, and the “Health Poster” Lifestyle

(59:01 – 62:42)

• The guys detail their less-than-healthy eating (Matt's extensive fast food and queso habits), rationalize it with working out, and describe balancing “yin and yang” diets of smoothies and junk food.
• Group commiserates on gaining weight, dead bods, and the modern health information overload for parents.

Notable Quote:

"Sometimes the baby goes, Dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like, just give me some [McDonald's]." — Joe List, (61:03)

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9. Autism, OCD, and Diagnostic Overreach

(63:16 – 66:15)

• Shane notes that “90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed,” but Joe pushes back on the casual use of the label, sharing family experience with severe autism (63:59).
• They talk about blending lines between diagnoses—ADHD, OCD, autism—and how these identities are now almost aspirational for young people.
• Joe discusses his moderate OCD, including odd habits and rituals.

Notable Quote:

"Now people are like…they use it, it's like a virtue to have [OCD]. I'm like, embarrassed." — Joe List, (65:45)

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10. Social Frame, Masculinity, & Being Out of Place

(80:07 – 88:04)

• Shane describes "frame" — a Red Pill/alpha concept about never letting others dictate your actions or demeanor, including whether you lean into your wife in photos.
• The crew debates social power, frame-holding in marriage and extended family (particularly in-law dynamics).
• Hilarious, real stories about being the only white guy at a black social gathering, the awkwardness, and the “nightmare scenario” of being numerically outnumbered by people who don’t look like you.

Notable Quote:

"I'm getting better at this, man. I swear to God. It's a skill…like a weird thing to be like…the worst nightmare it is." — Shane Gillis (83:26)

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11. Parental Woes, Podcast Legacy & Internet Immortality

(69:01 – 71:42)

• Speculation on how today’s digital footprints will live forever, including future generations seeing your web history, porn habits, and podcasts.
• Joking about "Covenant Eyes," an app that parents use to monitor kids for viewing adult content, and the awkwardness it would create.

Notable Quote:

"Everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids, your kids' kids." — Shane Gillis (69:40)

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Notable Quotes Recap

• “Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plane. I don't care…grow the fuck up.” — Shane, (02:58)
• “I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.” — Joe List, (04:19)
• “I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all the world.” — Shane, (13:19)
• “I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman…that way if you get caught, you could be like, 'she's a pig!'” — Joe, (35:21)
• “I want to start a non-profit that repairs young kids who sell crack's bicycles…” — Shane, (51:32)
• "Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the health stuff. It'll probably fuck you up 20 years before if you start worrying about it now." — Matt, (57:19, paraphrased)
• “Everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids, your kids' kids.” — Shane, (69:40)
• "I'm getting better at this, man. I swear to God. It's a skill...the worst nightmare it is." — Shane, (83:26)

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Episode Highlights By Timestamp

• 00:59–03:38: Flying with kids, first class babies, judgmental passengers
• 03:48–07:17: Viral sports ball disputes, the ethics of sharing
• 12:01–16:25: Polish jokes, ethnic humor's decline
• 16:20–22:17: Differentiating whites & Jews, comedy cultures
• 33:21–45:58: Hall passes, breakups, high school heartbreaks
• 49:56–53:50: Nate's “crack mobile” story & teenage crime
• 53:50–58:09: Drugs, health anxiety, and fitness influencer cynicism
• 59:01–62:42: Food choices, parenting, “yin and yang” diet
• 63:16–66:15: Autism & OCD talk
• 80:07–88:04: Frame, masculinity, in-law domination & being a social outsider
• 69:01–71:42: Digital legacy, porn monitoring apps
• 83:26–88:04: Social discomfort at black parties

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Closing Remarks & Plugs

(91:22–92:28)

• Joe List promotes his YouTube specials; Shane and Nate plug shows (Optimum Noctis, Helium Atlanta).

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Tone & Style

Casual, mischievous, and deeply irreverent, the episode features unpredictable tangents, vivid storytelling, and jokes that push boundaries while exposing vulnerability, embarrassment, and the quirks of modern life.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

"Crack Mobile" is quintessential Matt and Shane — wide-ranging, unscripted, and surprisingly thoughtful beneath the biting humor. The trio's banter moves from the perils of child travel and the shame of viral fails, to dissecting social conventions, navigating relationships, revisiting high school trauma, and reflecting on the weirdness of the modern world, aging, and digital immortality...all while making each other (and the audience) howl with laughter.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

Wild, wild west.

[Shane Gillis]

I should invest in the spider league and bring it like, you got something.

[Nate Bargatze]

White on your lip.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't start the. Appreciate that. Yeah, true.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't see it or else I would have.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I saw it in the bathroom and I just ignored it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's a good part of the point in your life when you're like, ah, I got cover my lip. I'm gonna let it.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I literally tried once. It didn't come off. And I was like, whatever. I was. I gotta do stuff now.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm worried about my lip corners.

[Shane Gillis]

Are we fired up? Nice.

[Matt McCusker]

You gotta take the lip stuff in. That's good.

[Shane Gillis]

True. Yeah, That's a good. That's a good cold open. Nate noticed I had his Come on Joe list. Thank you for coming, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

[Shane Gillis]

This is sick.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm now here an extra day just for this. I got bumped from a big podcast that also records on Monday nights in Austin.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm glad you can come on, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, me too. I'm thrilled.

[Shane Gillis]

And you're traveling with family. That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time.

[Matt McCusker]

I know we talked about it a while ago. I quote you all the time and. Yeah, it's fun. I don't mind. The actual traveling on the plane is fun to me.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not that hard.

[Matt McCusker]

No. And we, you know, I mean, I don't want to throw my success in everybody's face, but I get upgraded a lot, you know. Delta Diamond. So my son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But we're about to. He's about to turn two, so I have to buy him a ticket.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you're coming up on that. That sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

That'll be the end of I.

[Shane Gillis]

It's funny watching because some people smile at the child in first class and then other people, like, come almost grimace at the child.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It feels like a thing where people, like, get the out of.

[Nate Bargatze]

So when. Even when they're like two, it's not you or one, it's not you holding them. It's like them sitting in a seat.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, you gotta pay for them. You can still hold them on takeoff when they're like 2ish. And then once they get a little bigger, it's kind of like a gray area.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Sometimes you're like my kids crying. I'm not going to strap them to a seat belt. Yeah, like, sorry, buddy. So, yeah, you have to like. Yeah, like you. They kind of give you Leeway. My one daughter's five and, like, for landings are like, she needs to be in a seatbelt.

[Nate Bargatze]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, whatever. So when you had. I assume there's a moment where you had just the one kid and there was three of you, did you ever travel, the three of you? Did you buy a row?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, we've done it before. Yeah, we do Southwest sometimes too, which we just did a Chicago this weekend. It's in one time. Yeah, well, last time, because usually, like, my wife's really good about checking in. We get early, so we get to, like, be towards the front. And like, the one time I just wasn't paying attention, we were sitting at the gate next to the gate we're supposed to be at. So the whole plane had boarded. And then I heard my name, like, last call, and I was like, oh, no. So we all had to, like, split up. My wife is not a fan.

[Matt McCusker]

Was she a lap kid at that point or was she just sitting by herself?

[Shane Gillis]

We had. This is when we had the two of them. So we had to, like. But we. I ended up taking like, one and one. We just had to beg strangers to switch seats.

[Matt McCusker]

Right?

[Shane Gillis]

Which some people are cool about. Some people are, like, not cool about that at all.

[Nate Bargatze]

There's that thing, you see it online where people are like, your baby's not my problem. I paid for the seat. You ever see those?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I've never seen that. But it's also like, that's the one thing, flying with kids is nice. Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plug. I don't care if my kid screams and cries. I'm like. And I know people hate that, but it's like, grow the fuck up. Well, I don't care that the kids crying.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna sort this out.

[Matt McCusker]

But also, everybody has noise canceling headphones. Now, that's like the standard headphone. And everyone. You got 400 channel. Like, just turn a fucking. Turn on Mission Impossible 11 and turn it up full volume. Yeah, fuck you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, exactly.

[Matt McCusker]

And yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm not, like, thrilled if there's a crying baby. But you are like, you have the ability. You don't have to just sit there listening to it.

[Nate Bargatze]

Now if you all were to play solo and you have first class and some lady has first class and she's trying to get you out of your seat, that you really want it.

[Shane Gillis]

I fantasize about the opportunity to.

[Nate Bargatze]

To be a gentleman.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I fantasize about, like, A decrepit old man and being like, please, sir, take this. Please take my seat. Or a kid. My one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

To the point where I'm, like, bleeding. I get to be like, yeah, it's no big deal. I laugh at all. Yeah. I deal this all the time.

[Matt McCusker]

So I have, like, foul ball fantasy whenever I'm at a game. I'm, like, picking a kid. I'm like, I'm gonna make this world. No, no.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna give it a bad guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game. I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt, and I caught it. Oh. And I'm a Bruins guy, so I just gave it to a kid, and I felt like a real million bucks. Yeah. I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.

[Nate Bargatze]

You saw that lady who went viral for the exact opposite.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

One of yours.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, you know what's funny? My wife was showing me that exact clip. The lady ass as a guy. Now, I didn't really see the struggle. Did he, like, snatch it from her or. He just caught it. She was being a sore loser.

[Nate Bargatze]

I think he, like, landed in, like, it just hit the ground. He rushed over while everybody was trying to get it, Grabbed it first, and then. Yeah. I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand.

[Matt McCusker]

She was, like, I think maybe touching it, but it was. It wasn't her row. It was in his row, but right in front of her. And she's, you know, a woman, so she sucks at.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, she was, like, reaching down, so I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever.

[Nate Bargatze]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

But he got the ball. Yeah, yeah, he had the ball, and then he gave it to his kid. It was his birthday. And then she came over. But I feel bad for the guy, because I don't know if you watched the video. Like, the woman comes up yelling, and he does. He goes. It's like. It's. It's egregious, but. And people are like, this guy's a. This guy. But he's also literally hugging his son from behind. It's his birthday. He just, like, feels like a hero. And this woman must have been, like, screeching and put her hands on him, too. So I've had. You have those moments where you're like, go, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

What the Is going on? Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And people are like, you're such a. The way you reacted. We're like, well, that was like, Gutter. I could beat the out of this woman. I'm not like, yeah, he's not supposed to frighten me.

[Shane Gillis]

He's also. Yeah, he's an old man too. There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades and just got. He thought he was at, like, a game with his son. All of a sudden, a lady's like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, Jesus Christ. Thought you're at home. I thought you were back at the house.

[Matt McCusker]

People are calling him a pussy too, because he gave me the ball up. But you're also. I also get that of like, what am I gonna do, just fist fight this woman? Like, it. Take your ball, you douche. And then the guy got one of the players.

[Shane Gillis]

Now, if he gave it away, it would have been even worse. Oh, they gave him. The other players gave him.

[Nate Bargatze]

The team gave him a bunch of shit too.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

So nice. The team rallied around.

[Nate Bargatze]

Just.

[Shane Gillis]

He's like, dude, I'm sorry to deal with that. Here's a bunch of swag from the team.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, then people were booing her, and so the whole section was booing. And she started yelling at that. It was like a wrestling match. She was like, I don't know, Randy Savage or something. I haven't watched wrest a while.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that sucks. That, like, that lady's definitely. She has to go back to her job now. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, you're the like of the week. You're the giant of the week.

[Matt McCusker]

And I don't know if she's been doxed yet. Do we know that there's.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then. No, I saw it online, but I don't know how true that is. It was just on Twitter.

[Nate Bargatze]

She shouldn't have lost her job for that, though. That's kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't think so. But, oh, they did dox her. I. I found her first and last name in a comment section.

[Matt McCusker]

They're saying, you found her first. Like, you were the first one I got her.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you never know. That's like, kind of. I'm, like, bugged out about that. You can just be going about a normal thing and just like your life's ruined over just one spaz.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

I saw my wife brought the old lady video to me and I was like. She was like, this lady's such a. Then I saw a video of a old white guy and a, let's say middle aged black guy. Snap. They were. They both went for it to be fair. Yeah. And he. It was a, you know, a contest and the black guy emerged victorious.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And everyone's like, he's a piece of. And I was like, I don't know. It's a flip side. It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady. He's a hero.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

But then the black guy, it was like an old man. So do you give it up or do you just be, you know, black as hell, big down? My problem? I do think it's like, I'd have.

[Nate Bargatze]

Hit with the dumb problem.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a known thing, though. You give the ball to a child.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like as an adult, it's.

[Shane Gillis]

Just, I would say the elderly is like, you deserve this. I don't have to give this to you. He did. He like, snap power. Snatched it.

[Nate Bargatze]

What if there's no kid in like a five, like a six seat radius? Like you're here, knowing there, knowing there, no one there, no kid.

[Shane Gillis]

Just all adults give it to the hottest lady.

[Matt McCusker]

Put it between our tits.

[Shane Gillis]

It's hottest lady.

[Nate Bargatze]

That boy.

[Shane Gillis]

All right.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, yeah, back.

[Shane Gillis]

Put it back and play.

[Nate Bargatze]

If it's. Especially if it's like not your team's ball. Like, you just. I don't need this. Who start that in Chicago, I think. Chicago.

[Matt McCusker]

Chicago, yeah. And then other cities try to do it and you're like, that's not even our thing. Yeah, yeah, let me keep the ball.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. So I would keep it for sure. But then you probably get home and it's like, do you. Would you. How long would you look at that ball in terms of like, oh, you gave it away. Would you really have sentimental value? Would you just sit at home like, oh, that's a fucking ball.

[Matt McCusker]

It's kind of fun, I guess. I mean, I have a major league I had. I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time. And they gave me a ball, and I have it. And I'm like, oh, that ball. You get to tell people. Nice memory ball is a real.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Or whatever. And my uncle, I was at a game with him years ago, Sean Green, I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time. It was like a rain delay game, so it was down to, like, a very small amount of people. And he caught the last out and, like, threw it, like, directly to my uncle. And that was. That was the coolest.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

The closest I've come to a thing, but I have no idea what that ball. I actually told the story to my uncle and he's like, I don't remember that at all. He threw it to you? And he's like, really? So I guess that's the answer.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's in his basement somewhere.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. No memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing the ball. And then. Did you see the tennis one with the hat? That was like a big one the week before?

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that one was crazy. That guy did get doxed. I think he was European. Did you see that one? Boy, tennis is really at a low point in the United States, I guess.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, it was right after a match, the guy, like, took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid. And this guy nabbed. I think he signed it, handed it to the kid. The guy nabs it and quickly puts it in his wife's purse. And it went vi. And the kid was like.

[Nate Bargatze]

Didn't he, like, steal his steel, though? He didn't, like, take it. Oh, no, he took it. He snatched it.

[Matt McCusker]

He literally, like, snatched it. I don't know if the kid got his hands on it, but the guy, the player was clearly handing it to him. And I think he was like a CEO or some crazy. It was a big thing.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, I think I heard it.

[Matt McCusker]

And then there was, like, an apology that I think might have been fake because he. There was like, a statement being like, finders keeper. Yes. You snooze, you lose or something. But I think that was.

[Nate Bargatze]

Did he say. No, I think I remember the statement now. It was like. He was like, this is how you become a winner. You take things like you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

To take things from people.

[Matt McCusker]

It was something like that. But I was like, this has to be. Yeah, not really.

[Shane Gillis]

There's no way the company took that position.

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't know if it was a company. It might have been that guy. Just be like, this is how I got what I got.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Nate Bargatze]

Not worried about what the little man thinks of me.

[Matt McCusker]

Sean looks like he has something for the folks at home.

[Shane Gillis]

It's hard to sift through this People magazine article, but they keep saying he's a CEO. He runs, like, a concrete company in Poland. So he's not like a big. He's a fat Italian guy. He's a polar. He's a. Yeah, he's a Polish. Polish concrete guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Bring back Polish jokes?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Faded, didn't they?

[Shane Gillis]

Polish jokes? Yeah. They fell out of favor. Nobody fires them up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's weird.

[Shane Gillis]

They were big. When I was little, they were huge.

[Matt McCusker]

That was, like, the only thing the.

[Shane Gillis]

Polish family got locked inside of their car.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened? How'd they get locked in there?

[Shane Gillis]

They're just too dumb. They didn't realize they could just open the lock.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, the one, why did the Polish guy get fired from the M M's factory? He kept throwing away all the W's. That was a big joke when I was a kid, because then they kind of became blonde jokes. Blond and were interchangeable.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But I don't know. What are the origins of Polish people being dumb?

[Shane Gillis]

I think they were dumb. I think every. I think every. I think every ethnic group came here. And the Irish were like, you know, they were like lazy, subhuman. Italians were, you know, just annoying. And then Polish people came here, and I was like, these guys are dumb as.

[Matt McCusker]

But could the. The origins be, like, the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming? Is that, like. Could that be the origin?

[Shane Gillis]

They were probably valiant. They're the heroes. Or they're all dumb and the dumb ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came here.

[Matt McCusker]

Right, Right. This is. By the way, this is not my theory. I'm just wondering if that's how it originated.

[Shane Gillis]

That's true.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not like those idiots didn't get out of the way.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't have any position on it at all. I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all the world.

[Matt McCusker]

Is that right?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I swear to God. That's the word on the curb that the Pollocks have fat dong. So I always throw that in there as well.

[Matt McCusker]

Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they worked. Like, thick. Feels like natural. But fat is like, I gotta. I gotta change my diet a little.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. They have obese dogs.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow. No kidding.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. What was the. I remember looking into the exact term Pollock, and I. If I'm not mistaken, it actually applied to, like, Hungarians. I think they actually I forget. There was some weird thing where I.

[Nate Bargatze]

Thought it was a slur for them.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it is. It's a slur, but it kind of. I think it originated with like Hungarians. When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just. Everyone lumped them together as Pollocks, basically.

[Matt McCusker]

No kidding.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't know it was a slur. I've been using that left and right.

[Shane Gillis]

If a Polish guy gets offended, he's a Pollock. So it's saying you're kind of boneheaded. But yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subject of fascination for me. So I don't know anything about any of those countries.

[Matt McCusker]

Right.

[Shane Gillis]

This Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti Polish sentiment. They said he had a Polish son in law in all in the Family and he would constantly make fun of him.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, meathead.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah. So they said that sort of started it along with like xenophobia and stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

According to Google, that makes sense.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they. I know they have big fat heads. I've heard that. Too square. Big fat, square.

[Nate Bargatze]

Are the fat heads from drinking.

[Shane Gillis]

I know.

[Nate Bargatze]

The dicks aren't.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. You know what? I was actually, I was at a. I was at a bar with my wife. We're in Chicago this weekend and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out. And there were two guys, their wives had giant fake tits and they. The guys had big fat heads. And I was kind of like, damn, it's kind of alpha. It was a giant fat head. They're just like arms around their fake titted wives. And I was like, these guys are onto something.

[Nate Bargatze]

They're swinging.

[Shane Gillis]

I got to pee next to one of the guys and I was just kind of. I didn't like, look at his dick, but I was. I was kind of admiring him. Like, damn, I wish I was with you guys. I'm with my wife or natural tits. And I'm just. You guys have giant fake titted wife. Like, dude nipples flying out of the shirt. They just sat there in like pink polos with huge heads, you know, just menacing me from across the bar.

[Matt McCusker]

That's wonderful.

[Shane Gillis]

It was awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

I grew up in Massachusetts. There was no Polish people. I feel like maybe there was one Wozniak in my school. I forget her name, but it was all Irish, Italian, English. Yeah, that's only three black people.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. We had zero black people. Well, yeah, zero. A couple Mexican guys, but we had pretty much just Irish, Italian, and then some Polish.

[Nate Bargatze]

I didn't start differentiating white people until I started comedy. And then Y' all kind of made it clear that y' all were different.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

I thought, like, I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time.

[Shane Gillis]

They are. Don't let them lie to you.

[Nate Bargatze]

That's what I think.

[Shane Gillis]

I think they're fucking. Like.

[Nate Bargatze]

If you can hide it a little bit, then you're not, you know.

[Shane Gillis]

I similarly discovered Jewish people late in life as well.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I went to Catholic school for 12 years, so I for real, didn't know any Jewish people.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we had very few. We just have a few Jews. We had. I was in Great Neck, Long island, where there's a lot of. I always confuse Orthodox and. What's the other one? Yeah, yeah. And I think these were Hasidic with the thing. And. And my. A family member. I don't want to out specifically in case she gets. But a family member was like. I thought they couldn't be out, like, during the day. I swear to God. We were like, in our 20s. I was like, during the day? What are they vampires? No, no, they go out during the day. They got jobs and everything.

[Shane Gillis]

It's so you can't see their horns.

[Matt McCusker]

I was kind of, like, blown away. I was like, what? But maybe she thought use electricity on Saturday.

[Shane Gillis]

That is the thing. Yeah. My. One of my friends lived next door to some of those guys. They weren't the curly guy. I get them confused, too. I think they're Orthodox. So they would have him, a Gentile, come to their house and, like, flick the lights for him.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

Do they pay you for those services?

[Shane Gillis]

What do you think, Nate? Now you set me up. Yeah, it was just a general goodwill. I think the day before, 9, 11, they were like, yo, by the way, just be careful. Hey. Don't go to work. Jews are having a tough time right now, by the way.

[Matt McCusker]

They are, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I personally like them, but a lot of people are. I do. I was raised in a very pro Jew house. My dad, he would always be like, I love Jewish people.

[Matt McCusker]

I love. I love Jewish people, too.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he loved. He's. And he. But it was funny because he'd be like, dude, I love the Jews. I just love how they operate with their money. And I'd be like, all right. I was a little kid being, like, cool. He would tell us. He was like. He would say, he's an Irish Jew.

[Matt McCusker]

No kidding. Yeah. They never came. Isn't that Scottish folks? Scottish people are known for being very frugal. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

But, yeah, my dad would, for real like, use their. He would, like, admire the things people hate about them. He's like, I love the way they act with their money. He's like, more people got to do it. I'm like, nice, dad.

[Nate Bargatze]

Not trying to buy your dad, but that is my favorite thing about Jewish people. People knock them for that. But I think it's cool as hell to be like, these are my bros. I'm gonna look out for my bros.

[Shane Gillis]

I. Yep. Well, yeah, they're very.

[Matt McCusker]

When you.

[Shane Gillis]

When you really look into the religion, it gets a little spooky. It really does. Like, if you read about it, it's like, I love, love the squad. But like, you read about what they're up to and you're kind of like.

[Nate Bargatze]

But isn't that if you look into any religion, like, not really, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Looking at Christianity, imagine Christianity.

[Nate Bargatze]

Who's getting fed to tigers or lions. That's Christians.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the Romans, dude.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, and they were feeding Christians to.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they're feeding everybody.

[Nate Bargatze]

Okay, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Romans are feeding everybody.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's not a special thing that happened where, like, Catholics was getting fed to lions. Am I remember?

[Shane Gillis]

They did not Catholics, but, well, Christians.

[Nate Bargatze]

Okay, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by prize pick.

[Nate Bargatze]

Man.

[Shane Gillis]

You have to sound like Shane, too.

[Nate Bargatze]

Football is back.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't. You have to sound like a. Legally, you have to sound like him.

[Nate Bargatze]

Football is back, baby. What an absolute. What an absolute crazy weekend of football. Week one was. Quarterbacks throwing touchdowns, running backs, running linemen pushing each other. That one wide receiver who did that one thing, that was insane, man. I'm so pumped. Sorry, dude. I know you're. You're not really a football guy.

[Shane Gillis]

You're talking about that one wide receiver who did that thing in the one game.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, wait, so you're about that football accent?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I cooked up like 20 different lineups this weekend on prize picks. It was simple, quick, and fun.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, so you about that real money. Feels good to be right.

[Shane Gillis]

Football action. That little sentence doesn't make sense, but it felt so good, man. More on rushing yards, less on kicker field goals, more on touchdowns, less on pass attempts. Shane. I did it all. Wow. Yeah, man. And this weekend, Travis Kelsey is at max discount too.

[Nate Bargatze]

Travis Kelsey. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He just needs one yard for you to win. On prize picks this Sunday, Travis Kelsey, Travis Kelsey, prize picks. It's good to be right.

[Nate Bargatze]

Download the app today and use code drench to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched. To get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup, prize picks. It's good to be right.

[Matt McCusker]

Who do you think the funniest group is? Because Jews got to be up there.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's between Jews and black people, I feel like. Don't you think? Yeah. You mean for pound through like the last hundred years or so?

[Nate Bargatze]

I'd say yeah. And then third, giving it to the Italians.

[Shane Gillis]

What?

[Matt McCusker]

Italians make me laugh.

[Shane Gillis]

Black people love it. Honestly. Black people want to be Italians. They might want to be Italian. Yes. You know, black people want to be Italian.

[Nate Bargatze]

Want to be black people.

[Shane Gillis]

Every time I see a black dude eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're Al Capone. If you're a black dude, spaghetti, well, very similar.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, you have big dicks, funny, kind of loud and very stylish. Clothing's a big deal.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I've always liked.

[Shane Gillis]

My wife does it. She's like, she only talk about Italians like they're cool. And I'm like, they're not cool.

[Nate Bargatze]

They're.

[Shane Gillis]

Get over this.

[Nate Bargatze]

The coolest.

[Shane Gillis]

This is cool. She's a bug in your programming.

[Nate Bargatze]

They're definitely the coolest whites.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, it depends on what talking about, like standup comedy funny or just hanging out funny. Like Italians accidentally are, oh, hey, what the. Look at you and look at me. That's funny. Similarly with black people. It's just a funny way of talking. A funnier vernacular than, you know, certainly. But if you do stand up Irish, really making a great push. As a Boston guy, I feel like I have to.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, y', all, y'.

[Matt McCusker]

All.

[Nate Bargatze]

I like y' all a lot too, but just Italians are more. They're, they're, they're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny.

[Shane Gillis]

They are dumb funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, Italians are good, but black people might be number one. I mean, think for a pound for pounds. I mean, you're just, you're just hanging out with a black guy. He's gonna be funnier than most of the white guys.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I, I feel like, you know what it is, though. But then it's like, yeah, for sure. 100. But then it's like, I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice, you know, because there's a lot of black dudes that were just kind of, just like boring kind of. It's always feel bad. You meet a boring white guy, you're totally fine. But being like a boring black guy sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, no, Yeah, I know a few that you're like, wow, really skipped a generation. Well, I always tell this story. I was on the subway one time, and there was two guys yelling across. Like, one was at the other stop. So it was like 50ft away, and they were just having a conversation. And this guy, he said the N word, but I'll clean it up. But he's like. He's like, yo, that motherfucker so sweaty. He looked like he put a water balloon in a headlock. And I was like, that's like poetry. A water balloon and a headlock. I was like, that's, like, better than anything I've heard in three years.

[Shane Gillis]

The funniest thing I've ever heard was a long, long time ago, I was in Philly just, you know, doing stand up in the early days, and I used to do a lot of black rooms. And this one guy, there was a Muslim dude in the crowd, and he was just like, yo, how'd you get. How many turtles you have to sell to get your red beard, man? What point they upgrade? And it was just like. I was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After you sell your haunted turtle, you get to dye your beard. Why do Muslims dye their beard red, by the way, Hannah? Like tats? Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

Like fake.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I thought some of them just had red beards. Like pirates.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like dye. It's like party dye.

[Nate Bargatze]

I honestly have no idea.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I don't know. I'm finding out. I'm not very cultured here. I didn't know the Polish thing, the fat dick, polish stuff, beard.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I've heard it. I don't know where I heard that from. I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy who would call. He would call his dick the Polish hog.

[Nate Bargatze]

Did he write the book? No.

[Shane Gillis]

The guy who wrote it was not Polish. He was not.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's a kids book.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Daddy, why is your Polish friend's dick so fat? The beard red was. Henna is a sunnah practice, so it's a Muslim thing. But what the. Why? It's just something about Muhammad. Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like the blood of your enemies or something. It could be, I don't know, the blood of the infidel.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm getting nervous now.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Muhammad apparently encouraged his. That's kind of cool, though. I can get behind that. Well, you're talking about. Muhammad was a fierce warrior. I was paying respects.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, absolutely.

[Shane Gillis]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. What's. What. What Else is going on.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, boy.

[Shane Gillis]

Now Muslims are in.

[Matt McCusker]

They're cool.

[Shane Gillis]

They're chilling, bro. They were at public enemy number one for, like 10 years ago.

[Matt McCusker]

Public enemy number one, certainly 24 years ago, almost to the day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You was quick math. You did in your head. Actually, it's pretty good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Coming up in the Big Annie.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

Where were you guys for 9 11?

[Shane Gillis]

Grade school.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I was great. So happy. I was in.

[Matt McCusker]

You look.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I was in high school. I was in high school. My bad, my bad.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I was definitely in high school. My bad. I was like a junior. Yeah. I was like a sophomore.

[Matt McCusker]

Hell.

[Shane Gillis]

Sophomore in high school. That's where I was.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

And they, like, wheeled a TV into the class and, like, showed us the news. And I. I still was completely lost on me.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, are we getting out early or not? And then we did. And I was like, nice.

[Nate Bargatze]

911 didn't hit me for how up it was until, like, this year. I watched.

[Shane Gillis]

For Real.

[Nate Bargatze]

I watched it. That sounded live doc, where the first episode breaks down. The.

[Matt McCusker]

The.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

And that was like the first time I really watched it as an adult. And I'm sitting there like. And I had lived in New York since then, so I'm sitting there like, oh, that was like, for real. But when I was a kid, I.

[Shane Gillis]

Was just like, oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I guess it feels normalish if you're young.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

How old are you? What?

[Nate Bargatze]

I was in sixth grade, so I was probably like 12.

[Matt McCusker]

12. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I was. I don't know what the I was talking about. I was definitely 15 or. It was like 15 years old.

[Matt McCusker]

I was 19.

[Shane Gillis]

Okay. So you.

[Matt McCusker]

So I was at home. Like, I was. I graduated high school, I was just doing stand up and nothing else. And my sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the World Trade center. Because I think it was like, new.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Nobody knew. She was like, they're shooting at the World Trade Center. I was like, oh, wow, that's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I woke up and it was wild.

[Shane Gillis]

You saw the planes? Yeah, we. I don't know. I remember being for real. I. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I think that's fair. I think that's. Most people that were in school.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Just sent us home and I was like, sweet. My parents were, like, kind of freaking out and I was like, whatever.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe not the New Yorkers. They probably weren't.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That must have been terrible. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Because I was, like, pretty close. I was right in Philadelphia, so I was like, not that far from it.

[Matt McCusker]

Right.

[Shane Gillis]

But it could have been. It was like, might have as well been on the other side of the country. I was just like, well, not my problem.

[Matt McCusker]

I was there in August. I have a photo of the World Trade center from, like, August 2nd or something like that. I was like, underneath it.

[Nate Bargatze]

Whoa.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The wreckage, you're saying.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, no. Like, a month before the old one. Yeah. The Twin Towers. Like, I was there, like, six weeks before that.

[Shane Gillis]

The new one's the biggest building in America.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. In the Western Hemisphere. I live right across the street.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's right out my window.

[Shane Gillis]

It's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you get to know where I live? Muslim talk. I want to let people know my exact address.

[Shane Gillis]

I. Dude. I mean, I could be wrong. I was taking a wild guess. I don't know what. Can you look up the origins of the red dye? It's probably not that. Yeah. But. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I love that. I was like, we're like, let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk 911.

[Shane Gillis]

It says. It says it's just a act of devotion. Okay. And, you know, for older men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age. Oh, to hide the gray. Yeah, I guess so.

[Nate Bargatze]

So probably go bald dye to be.

[Shane Gillis]

Some people do black instead.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's just.

[Shane Gillis]

Somebody will do just jet black. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty tight.

[Matt McCusker]

That's cool.

[Shane Gillis]

I guess.

[Matt McCusker]

So.

[Shane Gillis]

Just kind of like, you know, I think it's just like a swag thing. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It feels like a way to just. Yeah. Look like you're not aging.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of what I'm hearing. Yeah. That's smart.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. We got toupees for. For the religion, for Muhammad.

[Shane Gillis]

I've talked to a Muslim guy, an Uber driver, and I was asking him, like, what's the deal? Like, for real, the multiple wives? Is it like. It can't be as cool as everyone.

[Matt McCusker]

Says, what's the deal with the multiple. Dude, I do all these wives.

[Shane Gillis]

How do they get along? I do a happy to chat in Uber. And most people will check it and be like. Some people check in. They're like, this guy. I'm not doing it. But a lot of them will check and be like, I now have to entertain this guy, and they'll just chat me up.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wow.

[Shane Gillis]

It's so fun.

[Matt McCusker]

I like how you can do that?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. You can select preferences. You. You can select shut the up, basically.

[Nate Bargatze]

But they get pissed when you select shut the Up.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I'm saying.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe here, but New York. I've never had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York City.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't probably. They probably can't.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you mean?

[Shane Gillis]

Did you ever see their phone speaking, like space invader? See, I see the letters. I'm like, I don't even know what that is.

[Matt McCusker]

I was thinking, like, unable. Like, like not allowed to. You realize you're saying they can't speak the language.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. I could be wrong. I feel like it's much more business in New York getting the Uber. It's because they have like half taxi hybrid stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

Right? Right. Yeah, but that's what I hate about the middle of the country. It's like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like, well, so what brings you here? And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I love that. I love. Because I'll start asking them. I was, dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers because you're like a 20 minute ride and I'll just start chatting them up. It's kind of fun. I've had some divorce guys. A lot of divorced guys. I got. I've had a lot of tales of like, love lost.

[Nate Bargatze]

And that could definitely the job you do. As soon as everything falls apart, you have your other job and you're like, I gotta do something else with my time. Gotta get an apartment.

[Matt McCusker]

In a lift. Have you been recognized in a lift?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. I. Maybe once. But no, no, I've like, beat around that bush here and there. And then people. I've had people talk to me about chaining lifts and they're like, dude, this guy Shane Gillis is so funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's great.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, yeah, he's good. He's great. He's awesome. I should start trashing him back. I've heard he's a giant.

[Matt McCusker]

He's a piece of. No kidding. They'd probably kick you out, though, like Big Lebowski. Get the.

[Shane Gillis]

Out of my.

[Matt McCusker]

You don't say about him.

[Shane Gillis]

It's happened to me a lot. I've been in gyms and like this one guy, I swear to God. Because at first I was like, almost like, does this guy know of the podcast? And I don't think he did at all, but I was in a gym on the road. It was like getting guest passed the One guy wore. He was like leaning into fall fashion. And the other guy at the gym was like, shane would think you're gay. I was just like, whoa. His. His net is traveled into like lifetime fitness.

[Matt McCusker]

That's hilarious.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's pretty great.

[Matt McCusker]

I had.

[Nate Bargatze]

I had a 41 of those once where dude couldn't remember his name. He was describing.

[Matt McCusker]

He was.

[Nate Bargatze]

Just stopped me on the street and was like. It was when I was trying to move down here. Some dude was trying to like, talk to me about his comedy or whatever. He didn't know I was a comic. He just started talking to me drunk and he started. I just asked him like, whose favorite comic was just trying to small talk about just smoking a day, trying to kill time. And he goes, this guy, he goes on Rogan. He. He talks about politics. So I was like, all right, that's not Shane. So I'm gonna go like, Tim Dillon. And he goes, he's like a handsome Tim Dillon. And I don't know why just was so funny to refer to as a handsome Tim Dylan.

[Matt McCusker]

It's fun because Tim is a very handsome guy. Yeah, he's just, you know, obese. You see young Tim Dillon, he's very handsome. Blue eyes. He's a very attractive man.

[Shane Gillis]

He is an attractive male.

[Matt McCusker]

I blew him.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

No, the. It is fun getting in the Uber. I. I will say getting guys from Pakistan and an Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, what do you think about American women? And they just do. They go off. It's the best. It's so funny. They're no good. And also, no one believed me. The divorce rate in Pakistan. He was like, what is the divorce rate in Pakistan? I was like, I don't know. What do you guys got, like 10? He was like, 1%.

[Nate Bargatze]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

Nobody believes me. They look it up. It's literally 1%, the divorce rate in Pakistan.

[Matt McCusker]

Is it a sin? What's. What's the.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I think it's like completely frowned upon.

[Nate Bargatze]

The wives die in Pakistan.

[Matt McCusker]

Now you're on to something. I think 90 of wives died before the age of 40.

[Shane Gillis]

Nobody. Well, yeah, or maybe in Pakistan. I don't know. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little. You can get like. You can use bouncer rules.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta fold their hands across their chest, move them out of the room.

[Nate Bargatze]

Put them in timeout.

[Shane Gillis]

But also, what I was asking the guy about multiple wives. He was like, it's not like everyone says, yeah, you can totally get another wife. But you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, interesting.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And you gotta, like. It's a whole thing. You gotta, like, put them together, make sure they get along. But he's like, yeah, you're totally, totally within your right.

[Matt McCusker]

And you could just hang out in the house with both of them. It's not like separate homes.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it's separate homes. I think you need to be able to have. I think I could be wrong. Both. The way he described it is you got to be able to, like, fully support another. But I feel like in Pakistan, I don't think you'd. I don't know. I think you'd be able to just kind of put them in, like, apartment. A apartment, baby.

[Matt McCusker]

All right. I'm just thinking out loud over here.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it was kind of. He's like, it's not as cool as everyone says. Which I'm like, I agree. I'm like, I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing. I think it is not as cool as people say.

[Nate Bargatze]

One wife, couple girlfriends, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

My. My youngest daughter's, like, really wants me to get a girlfriend. She keeps saying. She's like, dad, you have a girlfriend. I'm like, no, I'm married. She's like, dad, you need a girlfri. Girlfriend. I'm like, all right. It's like, I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend. It's the only reason I don't have a girlfriend.

[Matt McCusker]

You brought it up to your wife.

[Shane Gillis]

I tell her all the time. I'm like, chloe wants me to get a girlfriend. I don't know. I feel like if she got older, she would take. I'd be like, dude, you said, when.

[Nate Bargatze]

You were three, gotta get it in. Right?

[Shane Gillis]

You know what weirds me out? The hall pass talk among couples. We're like, who would your hall pass be? It's like, don't talk about that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we never had that conversation.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's a. It's a totally fruitless conversation. Right? Because you already know. It's like, yeah, just be like, I don't know. I think it's lame. I don't like it.

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't. I don't like it because I know you're not saying you're the real thought. Like, if I asked her, she would say somebody. That would be unattainable. But her real hall pass she'd want to say is just, like, a guy. She worked with one of your close friends.

[Shane Gillis]

The guy she's always thinking about.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, that's what I think. I think everyone secretly wants to their spouse's friends really. Don't you think? Or siblings.

[Shane Gillis]

I could see where you're coming from.

[Matt McCusker]

But I don't extra, you know. You know, like if I could, I could have sex with any woman, it wouldn't be an hathway. It would be, you know, my wife's friend. A we'll say just to thrive her off the scent. But yeah, one of her buddies, you know, her child, childhood friends.

[Nate Bargatze]

I'm trying to run through the list in my head.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know, I think it might just be like the first person I see outside.

[Matt McCusker]

Right.

[Nate Bargatze]

To be our neighbor across the hall.

[Matt McCusker]

I think that's the case. I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman. I've heard that. Something.

[Shane Gillis]

I've heard that. Yeah. I wonder if that's true.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I think you want to feel guilt free.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So that way if you get caught, you could be like, she's a fucking pig.

[Shane Gillis]

Nothing compared to she's gross.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly.

[Nate Bargatze]

Or she can be super high and be like, what am I supposed to do? Say no to that? She's way better than you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Shane Gillis]

I always thought it was just younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Shane Gillis]

Kind of like the. I think there's always going like at a pizza shop, I think every like female cashier is in the hot seat in terms of like the 50 year old Italian guy. Yeah, I've heard of that happening a lot. That's big in New Jersey. Every high school girl gets lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss. Really? Even Burger King. Like a Burger King. There's like, it's all like high school kids. A lot of girls working there. If every Burger King there's like a 40 year old manager who's like. Chances are he's being, you know, Anafiba file, let's say. Right. He's. Yeah, I've heard, I've heard about. I've heard tales like that.

[Nate Bargatze]

I used to work with this. I ain't going. I'm trying to be vague. I used to work with this guy, he was like smashing one of the. She was like 18, like 18. She was 18 or 19.

[Matt McCusker]

Similar to 18, I think.

[Nate Bargatze]

I think she was 18.

[Shane Gillis]

I got.

[Nate Bargatze]

She's 18 or 19. That's how I remember in it. I think I would have been. I was like 16 then. So I think I would have still known if it was real. Up.

[Shane Gillis]

But anyway, I just remember back then you wouldn't not. That's what I'm trying, that's what I'm saying.

[Nate Bargatze]

Like I'm trying to run it in my head like what?

[Shane Gillis]

Whatever.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, I think 18 though, I really do. Because I know she was like a senior in high school and.

[Matt McCusker]

But anyway, you're sweating.

[Nate Bargatze]

It wasn't me, but the, the guy I remember, he was, he was just always like taking her into the. Just want me to clean up the story. Take her into the fit room. They'd we. I was like the only one who knew. And her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards and I, and I'd see it. I just, I didn't know him. Like we didn't go to school together or anything. It's just. And the one time I just saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips like as soon as they got. And I just was like oh my God.

[Shane Gillis]

So she gave him a nice greeting though.

[Matt McCusker]

She snowballed, you know.

[Nate Bargatze]

She snowballed.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Bring your chick home. She's got fresh load for a Burger King manager. I'm into it a long time, you know, it's kind of fun.

[Shane Gillis]

It's tough being a high school aged male. Yeah, because it's tough. You never know.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, I got, I got dominated like that. I heard a chick I used to date, she used to get picked up by some old guy. Just one of her friends told me he had some dude, he was like 25, she was like 16. Just used to pick her up from.

[Shane Gillis]

Her Wendy's job we used to go to when I was growing up. And like in high school we would go to this place called Painters Crossing and it was just like a shopping center, like an AMC movie place and just like you know, random other restaurants, like a friendlies. And we would see those like cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up and they were like sharks. They were just 25 year old dudes who just come prey on your like cool high school girlfriends. You'd be like come on, let's get out of here.

[Matt McCusker]

No, they're here.

[Shane Gillis]

Would just circle the park and stand outside of their cars. And you'd have to like get your girlfriend out of there cuz she would get molested by a older man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I remember my girlfriend was a year younger than me and then I didn't go to college and then she graduated, went to college and yeah, we broke up. I like initiated the breakup cuz I was like, you want to break up, right? Like clearly this isn't going to be great. And I started doing comedy. So I was like hanging out with like 50 year old men immediately. And then I'd be like, come on, I'm doing comedy. It would just be a bunch of middle aged guys and like, me. She's like, this is awful. And then I'd go visit her at college and it's just the hottest.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Football play guy. And I'm like. I was like, you want to break up?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I do.

[Matt McCusker]

She was too nice to do it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And I. I feel like I could just. I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation a girl would just be like, I like that comfort of having a boyfriend. Then I'm gonna get here and slowly.

[Nate Bargatze]

Definitely cheat a little too, I think.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I did the right thing in high school. I broke up. I was dating someone. I was just like, we can't. When I go to high school. And I felt bad, but. Or when I go to college. Yeah, she was pissed. Yeah. She was in eighth grade. She had an eighth grade volleyball. But you can't. I mean, that destroys. That destroys high school romances. I had a guy like, sit me down a long time ago and be like, bro, like, trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart. He's like, you guys are to last. And I was like, dude, why, why are you doing this to me? He was like, just move on.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

It's kind of rough. But I mean, yeah, he was, he was wise. He said, this will never last. I was like, all right, well, thanks, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I only broke up with one woman my whole life and she accused me of cheating. It was kind of hot. She was like, you're cheating on me. She was Italian. She was like, you're cheating on me. I know it. You piece of. I'm not. I wish I was.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, I just don't care for you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I would say breaking up. I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Having like a panic attack. It was horrible.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, it's horror. It's. It's like literally the most lethal or like, you know, brutal conversation. You can have to be like, hey, I don't want to. Don't want to see you ever again. It's essentially what you're saying. Or like, I would. I'm open to it, but I just want to just, you know, maybe we could be like stranger. More like strangers to each other.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, no, it was rough. I had a thing. It was funny. I was dating this woman and I just Didn't. Like, I only dated her because I was single for, like, seven years, and I thought people were gonna think I was gay. I was like, I gotta get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay. And so I knew her from work, so I started dating, but I never liked her. I wasn't into her. It was just whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

She was like a beard.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, exactly. So we were dating, and then it was like, I wanted to break up with her, but I didn't. And then Christmas was, like, coming upon us, and I was like, shit, I gotta get her a fucking gift. Because I just put off breaking up with her. And literally, I was driving to meet up with her, like, on December 23rd. It was like Christmas Eve Eve. And I was like, oh, dude. I remember we were at this store one time, and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn. I'm like, I'll stop and pick that up. And so I just grabbed it on the way there, handed it to her, like, merry Christmas. And she opened it and just started bawling. She's like, nobody's ever loved me this much. You remembered. And I was like, oh, you're right. Because I wanted to break up with her. And then I just bought, like, some random. I'm like, I kind of remember she bought that. And she had dated, like, bad boys or whatever before I was a nice guy. And so I just nailed the gift. And I was like. I just. She was, like, literally crying, like, no one's ever loved me like this in my life. And I was like, oh, God damn it. But then right after Christmas, my grandfather died, and then she didn't come to the funeral. And I used that perfect as an excuse. And she's like, I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was. I was like, well, you should have looked it up, you careless bitch. So I was like, that was my out. But I remember being horrified. Like, truly, like, shaking. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You think about it for, like, three months. By the time you're getting broken up with, the person's probably thought about it for anywhere from six months.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. And now she's married and I'm married.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Worked out my dad in Jess when I was in grade school, told me to always break up with a girl before Christmas so I didn't have to buy her anything. And I, like, actually did that one time, like, right before Christmas. And it was. I was like. It was for real.

[Nate Bargatze]

The meanest thing you could do.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I was just like. I was like, in seventh Wheel, you know, and you're like, we're dating, but you don't ever even see the person. You just, like, hold hands in recess for, like, three days.

[Matt McCusker]

I meant October. You.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I felt bad about that. It was funny having, like, a girlfriend in, like, seventh grade and you just like, we're dating and you just see them at recess, and then you break up two days later.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Fifth grade. Jen. Jen McCarthy. Not to be confused with Jenny McCarthy. Anti vax hut Lady. But, yeah. And she was dating two guys. She was dating Matt, Will, and. And me and. Because you didn't hook up. But we were in fifth grade. We didn't even kiss.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So she's like, these are my two boyfriends. The three of us would, like, hang out. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It was pretty cool. And then. Yeah. You just broke up because, like, summer happened and you didn't have any way of seeing her.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You're like, all right. That was that.

[Nate Bargatze]

Did you break up with both of you?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't even remember. I think she was more into it because he was more of a. Like a fatherless man. So I think he was probably fingering her. And I was like. Like, it felt like they definitely had.

[Shane Gillis]

We're doing stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, oh, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I remember being in grade school. I think I might have been sixth grade and an eighth. I was just, like, sitting, you know, like, on a. Maybe gymnasium floor, like an assembly, and an 8th grade girl laid her boob on my hand.

[Matt McCusker]

Whoa.

[Shane Gillis]

And I just sat there.

[Nate Bargatze]

Eighth grade?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. It was awesome. And I just sat. I just remember just my hand just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly. Then she got up, and I was so confused because I was like, is that my girlfriend now?

[Matt McCusker]

Is that a base? I don't even know.

[Shane Gillis]

Over the shirt. Second base, technically, but it was back in my hand, so still something. It was. It was definitely something. Yeah. It was so much so that I was like, can you just touch ladies boobs? Is that, like, a thing? I would. We had tables in my grade school, and I would slowly elbow over and, like, hit the lady's boob next to me, and they'd, like, get off me. Like, I don't know. There's one lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like. I don't know. I thought, you guys. I thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbows.

[Matt McCusker]

I wish I could redo life, you know? Don't we all?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, I Could really do. But not that I would be like a crazy, crushing man, you know, I'm still me. But I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

Even in high school I feel like I could have.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, right.

[Matt McCusker]

For myself.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it happened. I was like, not. Nothing really doing. And then a little bit, A little bit in late grade school and that. Not sex, obviously. That's weird. When people have sex and they're in eighth grade, I'm like, yeah, it kind of freaks me out. But I remember I got. I like lost a bunch of weight my junior year and just I got like shredded out of nowhere. I kept getting grounded for drinking. So I would just like act like I was in prison and just do like pull ups in my face and I got like actually shredded.

[Matt McCusker]

Just reading spiritual books.

[Shane Gillis]

Dyed my beard red. But yeah, no, I. And yeah, I remember I just like hit this weird spurt of like I've never gotten. Never like.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

I just hit like a. I went on like a tear in high school. Then like the beginning of college, just monstrous dry spell.

[Nate Bargatze]

I was just. I was just thinking about a lady that I realized I could have in high school because she. She just followed me like a couple weeks ago or like last week on Instagram and I saw that and I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known. It was like a green light. She was like, I wish I could mess with you, but I'm. I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend. And like. But her saying that out loud is really going like, I'll you and I won't tell you.

[Shane Gillis]

You didn't realize this at the time?

[Nate Bargatze]

No, I was like in 10th grade. I just didn't, I didn't take it.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Nate Bargatze]

I didn't.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't. That's fair. 10th grade.

[Nate Bargatze]

I guess I might have been 10th or 11th. I think I tried to sell myself short. It was 11th.

[Matt McCusker]

I was always so afraid of being a bad guy. You feel like if you make a movie, she's like, what the you piece of. That was like such a fear.

[Nate Bargatze]

But I grew up listening to hip hop. I ain't give a true.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh yeah. If anything, it was like, no, when.

[Nate Bargatze]

I was young, like we didn't. It was. It wasn't cool to kiss ladies.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy.

[Nate Bargatze]

I. I feel like that I remember being like somebody being like, oh, you kissed her like, because they suck dicks. I know that's dumb now.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I see. This is like, the gayest thing I've ever heard. Homophobic, I say.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Yeah, I always looked at it. That was a chain of events. I still follow base procedure, by the way.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Now you guys kiss, touch boobs, touch vagina, then have sex. I still hold it down that way.

[Nate Bargatze]

The girl I lost my virginity to, we didn't kiss for six months. We were dating. And I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult that. That happened. He was. And she cheated on me. She's the one who was like, the McDonald getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about. And like, that. I also heard she got cheated on by, like, getting the train ran or all that. All that. Oh, she cheated on me doing that. Yeah, but. So we're talking about that. I talked about how they kiss her for six months. He was like, you mean you dated a chick who was just letting you her and not kiss her for six months, and you didn't realize she was a hoe? Like, she's not. She's like, yeah, you're doing the right thing. Not kissing me is kind of her energy. I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought, that's like Pretty Woman. She's Julia Roberts. She's not allowed to kiss.

[Shane Gillis]

It is funny. You guys were in, like, a serious relationship, though. You guys were like, yeah, she was.

[Nate Bargatze]

The first person I was like. I was with that. I love you. I was hanging out with her dad. It was.

[Shane Gillis]

All that stuff really was bad for everyone's brain, man. Yeah, I, like, sold coke for a while. I was like, this is so cool. And then you get older. Like, that's such a bad. Yeah, negative thing to do. I could have really convinced me then. Back then, I was like, this is the coolest thing I can possibly do. It wasn't at all. This episode is brought to you by Armra Colostrum. Guys, I like to say we can joke about pretty much anything, but what happens when your health becomes the punchline? From seed oils to stress toxins to pollutants, the modern world is screwing with our health at the cellular level, leading to exhaustion, brain fog, digestive issues, and more. Yeah, these things affect me horribly. I. I have diarrhea constantly. And my brain. I truly doesn't think. I don't think my brain works anymore at all. My brain frills. Like, I'm always tired. But here's the thing. You don't have to settle for feeling like garbage. 247 armor colostrum is nature's original health hack packed with over 400 bioactive nutrition, nutrients that fortify gut integrity, strengthen immunity, revitalize hair growth, fuel stamina, elevate focus, and help you function like a human again. And honestly, I've eaten it before and I, I like it. Oh yeah, I like the colostrum. It's the stuff in breast milk that precedes.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, you gave me some of that. This was great.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Helps your butthole. So yeah, there you go. We've worked out a special offer for my audience. Receive 30 off your your first subscription order. Go to arma.com mssp or enter MSSP to get 30 off your first subscription order. That's A R M R A.com MSSP.

[Matt McCusker]

Selling Coke's pretty cool. You get money, right?

[Shane Gillis]

You don't. Honestly, I swear to God, dude, you don't make as much as you think.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh really?

[Shane Gillis]

I sold weed for a while too. I made way more money selling weed. Coke is like, unless you're getting like big amounts of it, you don't make as much for in terms of like the risk of going to jail if you just get like a couple ounces of coke and break them down into 20 bags you like, you make money off of but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed. And you would not the jail, like from like selling an eight ball to a pound of weed is like completely right.

[Nate Bargatze]

And dudes I knew who sold crack, like, they never seen.

[Shane Gillis]

I heard that's pretty profitable.

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't, I never knew anybody who was top guy, you know what I mean? Everybody I knew, they were like, fine. They were like. But they all, they lived together like it was like three brothers that I was hanging out with. But one time they sent me to sell crack for. And I don't think I told you.

[Matt McCusker]

Now we're off on a topic.

[Shane Gillis]

Which fast food chain were you operating at lately?

[Nate Bargatze]

So their house was like right down the street from this park called. I think it was Barbie's Park. It was called. So I had to, I took the crack and I took their bike and I saw you have to go up this bridge that's like up a hill and then down the hill. So I go up the hill, then I start going down the hill. The park's right at the end of the hill. And I realized as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work. So I'm going to self crank and then I can't stop the bike and I spit out and fall.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, you gotta like, you gotta animate this this is like the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[Nate Bargatze]

And then a car just stops, like slams on the brake. It's just two Puerto Rican dudes. And they just started pointing and laughing. I don't like a Civic. And then I did I go sell it.

[Shane Gillis]

You said you had a vial.

[Nate Bargatze]

It was.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it wasn't.

[Nate Bargatze]

It wasn't. I remember being in a vial though. That's how I always see him on tv. But it wasn't like a little like same bag you put weed.

[Shane Gillis]

Right, right, right. And excuse me. Did you complete the mission?

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, I completed the mission. It was for 30 bucks. And then I went back and I think I just told him like, yeah, I fell on the bike. He tell me the fight.

[Matt McCusker]

That is hilarious.

[Shane Gillis]

He dropped the crack mobile. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

You're like, here's the crack. Do you guys have any gauze?

[Shane Gillis]

I want to start a non profit that repairs young kids who sell cracks bicycles. Just make sure the brakes are good because I didn't think about that. Yeah, there's probably a lot of like kind of janky bikes going around there.

[Nate Bargatze]

I'm just. Man. What told me.

[Shane Gillis]

Huh? I was gonna say there's a good chance that it was somebody else's bike. I don't want to be a jerk.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't want to be a jerk.

[Shane Gillis]

That's jacked up, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm sorry. I tried.

[Nate Bargatze]

Probably right.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Crap. Sorry. That's nice to know though. If your bike gets stolen, it's like at least you know.

[Matt McCusker]

Absolutely.

[Shane Gillis]

Someone, you know, someone's upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation.

[Nate Bargatze]

Also, you know, it's got up brakes. So you're like watch what happens.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's crazy. They didn't warn you the bike had no brakes. Did you have to like use your like sneakers to slow yourself down or like.

[Nate Bargatze]

I just remember falling. I don't remember exactly how. Like what, what like what? I tried. I think I tried to like get off and hop and just.

[Shane Gillis]

Who bought the crack?

[Nate Bargatze]

It was two people. It was like an older looking dude and it was that in a younger guy. But like I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

The father and son.

[Nate Bargatze]

What are the two people in. In the wire, the. The he Bugsy and he had this. His guy that died.

[Shane Gillis]

I forget.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Never mind.

[Nate Bargatze]

Bad riff.

[Shane Gillis]

Dang. So that was it? That was your. That was it for you? That's what we bicycle was like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't trust these.

[Matt McCusker]

But I'm not cut out for this.

[Nate Bargatze]

I also was. I think I was always kind of phony tough. Like, not like I would. I would be around the dumb, but in my heart I was like, nah. I used to like to fight a lot. And then I remember we were supposed to fight after school. This is like 9th or 10th grade. And one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, Jesus.

[Nate Bargatze]

And I just remember being like, like, this isn't this. Is this kind of peacemaker time?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

And then I kind of started. I changed who I was hanging with. I had like this one group I was with all the time. And then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school.

[Shane Gillis]

You found lair.

[Nate Bargatze]

I found a version of lair.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

Different fat guy. A different funny fat guy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I was that, that's what, that's what coke was for me. It was the absolute. I was out of. Completely out of my. I was already out of element with a lot of stuff, but coke was like, these are like bad guy, bad guys. And I was like. And I never did it, by the way. Never even tried it.

[Matt McCusker]

Me either.

[Shane Gillis]

Never had any. I, I still, I, to this day, I detest when I hear people that do it. I go, why the are you doing that?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, the snorting something just felt very off putting to me. I didn't care for that. And then I also. All my anxiety that I had growing up and still now is all like, I associate with heart. Like, I'm always afraid my heart's gonna stop. My heart's racing. So the idea of doing coke, I was like, my heart will explode. I'll die here.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that was always a very similar thing. I actually just. I, like, I had a couple years where I couldn't exercise because I'm like, I'm gonna have a heart attack. I was like 26.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, it is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit about this. It never worked. But I'm like, why? Exercise is good for your heart, but, like, having, like, stress is bad for your heart, but they both cause your heart to race.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So shouldn't like having a panic attack be. This is why the bit never worked, by the way. But like, shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you? Like, stress is the worst thing for you, but what does stress do? It raises your heart rate. That's what exercise does. I know that there's probably a explanation. I'm not genuinely like, no, yeah. Asking. But I don't know. I mean, I thought I'd grind the podcast to a halt with this I was like, why? It doesn't work. Cocaine should be good for your heart.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It gives you the same thing as exercise. Like running a marathon is good for your health. So why isn't doing blow.

[Shane Gillis]

You know what, it's funny because I, I saw a. Just like two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like, you need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible. And it's like somehow good for you. So I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning and it was like. Yeah, it was definitely not the move.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

I literally had a panic attack in my office. I was like, this is not. I don't know. But apparently I guess there's got to be something different with like, like, you know what? It probably is like your lungs getting kicked into the picture.

[Matt McCusker]

Right, Right.

[Shane Gillis]

Versus just your nervous system frying you while you sit in a chair.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, some of this Huberman thing. Huberman, however you say his name. I enjoy the guy. But we were at the Green Room at Mothership and there's all these grip strength.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

Reading thing and someone's like, Huberman says, like, grip strength is the number one, you know, teller of how long you're gonna live.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Kurt Metzger's was like triple mine. I'm like, there's no way this guy's living longer than me. He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes. Cigarettes and a joint at the same time. I'm like, I feel like, yeah, that.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. There's a lot of stuff hitting the Internet that like does freak me out. I've seen that one.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, that one I didn't like at all. My grip strength is terrible.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Mine was like. I didn't want to say 12.

[Nate Bargatze]

Mine is devastating.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I, I don't know. I heard that too. Like, if you can't hang from a bar for like three minutes, you're gonna die.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, the other guy, Peter Attia, he's the other guy. All these guys that are like age experts all are like 38 years old. I'm like, I want 115 year old guy.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

But he said you should be able to carry your body weight for up to a minute. So like I weigh 180, like by your side with a kettlebell. So I weigh like 180 pounds. I'm bad at math. That's 90 pounds on each arm.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I should be able to walk for a minute, but I can't even like attempt it because I'm scared. My arm Will rip off or your knees, really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know about that. There's a lot of stuff hitting the Internet like that. I saw one where it was like. Like, if you want to be able to walk up 10 flights of stairs when you're 70, here's. They had these, like, lines, and. And they're like, you need to be here now. And it was just like. Otherwise, it's like basically saying, if you were like, sedentary, like, you're gonna die.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I think we all look pretty good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I think we're moving around. I feel like the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like, am I doing that? Am I doing all this stuff right? That probably. Probably you up 20 years ago. If you actually think about this, you're gonna die.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, absolutely. Well, then Hooverman's also like, you got to look at the sun at 5:15 for eight minutes or your kid will be retarded. I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm. I have a child. And it's like giving your kid sugar within the first three years increases their odds of. I'm like. So I'm just like, I gave him ice cream already. Yeah, he's gonna die.

[Shane Gillis]

And the tv, like, the tv him?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

I feel like they'll be fine. It'll be like, they'll be definitely more autistic kids. And I don't know, but I mean.

[Nate Bargatze]

I feel like everybody I know has sugar as a kid and watch TV as a kid, and most people are fine. You know what I mean? Like, it'll be. Why is it a problem all of a sudden right now?

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't realize how bad it was, but, yeah, they'll be. They're not gonna, like, die, you know?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I think they'll be okay.

[Shane Gillis]

They'll be fine.

[Matt McCusker]

He seems fine. I don't worry.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't. Yeah, I. I can get hyper. Obsessed with that, though. I have an aura ring. I'll track my sleep. I'll do all this stuff. I. Apparently, I don't get any deep sleep sleep.

[Matt McCusker]

Really.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know what it is. I check and I. Everything else is great. And then my deep sleep is like 30 minutes a night.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe it's up.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I say. I told. It was my. I told my wife. It's her. I'm like, you just move around. Probably my deep sleep up.

[Nate Bargatze]

But you try. You ever try all of them at the same time? Apple watch. Whoop. Aura and Just. I don't see if they all say the same thing.

[Shane Gillis]

I should do that.

[Nate Bargatze]

That's. I feel like a great test.

[Matt McCusker]

I like picturing you go to bed, you have, like, back to the futures on your head. You got like, suction cups on your tits.

[Shane Gillis]

Just asleep. Apnea mask for no reason. But, yeah, you gotta. I. I just. I don't know, you get to a certain point, you're like, no, I'm definitely dying. So it's like there's. I'm gonna try to, like, just maintain the ship as much as I can.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well. Yeah, I feel like an older dad. I'm like, I gotta live as long as I can for this guy and stay healthy. I want to be able to have a pass with them, you know? So I'm going to the gym after this. Don't worry.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's the big thing. Once you have kids, you really like. You guys around a lot. You guys are out drinking, carrying on. Why do you guys have kids, man? You go, man, I got to keep this thing afloat.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, just the case stuff. I mean, I've been in Austin for four days. I've eaten queso, like 100 of the meals, including breakfast. Yeah, I'm a fat. I'm like, I can't. My eyes.

[Nate Bargatze]

What are you eating as breakfast? Queso.

[Matt McCusker]

I went to Magnolia Cafe, my favorite spot. They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day, so I'm like, I'm here. Yeah, I was eating chips and queso and pancakes. Six.

[Shane Gillis]

So good. Yeah, I. I eat a lot of. I was just in Chicago and I went to the Taste of Chicago. It's like a big food festival. It was all tacos. I'm like, dude, that's all I eat. I'm not. It's kind of.

[Matt McCusker]

Somebody said it last night in Austin, tacos are like pizza. In New York, it's like the quick, cheap.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Grab it.

[Shane Gillis]

Not a lot of. There's not a lot of great pizza.

[Nate Bargatze]

Here, but pizza stays enjoyable longer. I'm tired of tacos. There was never. I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Shane Gillis]

Pizza. So here's the thing, though. Like, if you go on the west Coast, I was telling people about Friday, you have Friday pizza night. Growing up every Friday.

[Matt McCusker]

Absolutely.

[Shane Gillis]

My friend's on the west coast now, and he was like, telling people out there about that, and they're like, that's crazy. They're like, that's so bad for you to eat pizza every Friday.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I Ate pizza. I mean, my diet is wild, really. I eat McDonald's like, a couple times a week. Chicken parm, three, four times a week.

[Shane Gillis]

How's the Mickey D sit with you?

[Nate Bargatze]

I miss chicken parm.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it like diarrhea right away, or do you pass a healthy movement after, After Mickey D's?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'm okay. I think I'm used to, I used to do a joke in my act about this. People were like, if you don't. Someone said this to me, like, if you stop eating McDonald's for, like, six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it. Yeah. So I did it, and I'm like, no. My body was like, you're back. I took a perfect double tape, and it was beautiful. I love it. But again, like, I hate to be like, dad guy, but it's like sometimes the baby goes, dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like, just give me some.

[Shane Gillis]

Give me something.

[Matt McCusker]

And I live in a luxury building. I mean, again, I don't want to be, be that first class. I'm doing okay. And I get, like, embarrassed. It's like a door guy with a suit, like, handing me my McDonald's bag. And I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, who is this? And I do it a lot. It's embarrassing.

[Shane Gillis]

That's kind of, it's kind of alpha dudes. I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca Cola. That's his big thing. Trump smashes McDonald's.

[Matt McCusker]

He loves McDonald's. Yeah. Jay Leno, too, is a big fast food. Really. I think he might still be.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I haven't, I swear to God, I haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades.

[Matt McCusker]

Get yourself some McDonald's. It's fine.

[Shane Gillis]

I would throw up. I would for real throw up. I can't eat it.

[Nate Bargatze]

Terrible. McDonald's. Was it the last time we went to. Last time we went to McDonald's, I got a double Quarter Pounder McChicken and a McDouble and, and fries. Like, I just, I, I.

[Shane Gillis]

How did it sit with you?

[Nate Bargatze]

I took a, I took a probiotic right after.

[Matt McCusker]

He's like, I looked at the sun for a half hour and it went down. Perfect probiotic.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's like, this might balance the gut.

[Shane Gillis]

The gut.

[Nate Bargatze]

And I just. A lot in the morning, I took it, I drink, I drink a smoothie all the time. So, like, I woke up crushed.

[Matt McCusker]

A smoothie. That's how I feel.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, I, I, I call them health posters. I do either green juices or smoothies.

[Shane Gillis]

You do yin and yang.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm exactly the same.

[Nate Bargatze]

And I. I feel like it kind.

[Matt McCusker]

Of works, I think. So I went to Juice Land this morning. I was like, I had queso four times yesterday. I got to have Juice Land, and I took a massive shot that. I call it my morning python. Just every morning. Just a big anaconda.

[Nate Bargatze]

Just a log.

[Matt McCusker]

Log. Yeah. So I think we're all right.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. How. How heavy will you get? If you can you go, will you get fat?

[Matt McCusker]

This is the heaviest I've been, but I'm also. I'm working out more than I've ever worked out, and I'm also eating more than I've worked out.

[Shane Gillis]

Nice.

[Matt McCusker]

So I'm like 183 or something. I got, you know, dead stomach, but I look. I look okay. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And you get the muscles from carrying the kid all the time.

[Nate Bargatze]

Time.

[Matt McCusker]

He's wants to be carried all the time. And he won't go to this side. Maybe he's autistic. He hates this side. So it's all right. But, yeah, this is the biggest I've ever been, but I'm very long. I'm a. Yeah, yeah. You know, I just.

[Shane Gillis]

I just read a stat. They said 90 of autistic adults are undiagnosed.

[Nate Bargatze]

That makes sense. They weren't checking for it.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, we weren't checking for it. So there's. Apparently there's like a. You know, it's like, endemic in adults. There's, like, a lot of people who should have been that now would have been, like, screened for, like, on the autism spectrum.

[Matt McCusker]

But I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much because I have a close friend whose brother is, like, severely like what we think, like, and he, you know, he has, like, an iPod or AirPods in all the time because he needs. And if you say what day you were born, he could tell you the, like, your date of your birthday. He knows what day. And also he has to be, like, attended. Like, he's.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, he's got severe auto. And then people are like. Will say to me, like, I'm like, oh, that music is driving me crazy. Like, I don't even hear music. You might be autistic. And I'm like, I don't. Yeah, I don't identify as autistic.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, yeah, they spread the net pretty, pretty far now.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

ADHD is like autism. They said if you have that, you're also autistic now.

[Shane Gillis]

Really?

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Sweet. My wife's autistic.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to.

[Matt McCusker]

Me too. Well, OCD also is so similar. Like, I have ocd, but so, like, there's a lot of similarities. If you read autism thing, I'm like, oh, I have that, that and that. But yeah, I'm not autistic.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the ocd? How's that flare up?

[Matt McCusker]

Like, I. I mean, I have like, weird. First of all, I'm like, I blink all the time. Like, I do like these blinks and my arm is being flexing all the time, my left arm. And I'll see, like something that I feel like I need to step on or I'll do a weird foot things, I need to step on stuff. And then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day. I don't get it. I mean, I sleep very quickly. Turned off, straws are gonna stab me in the eye. There's a whole bunch of handfuls.

[Shane Gillis]

So it's kind of under the radar, though.

[Matt McCusker]

I wouldn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I. So my wife does a joke about it. She's like, he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans. I'm like, people think I'm like, hand washing him. Like, I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich.

[Shane Gillis]

But you're just stepping, not stepping on the cracks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

I can get in. I can get in and not stepping on the cracks. I'll still do that every now and again.

[Matt McCusker]

Just.

[Shane Gillis]

It's just fun to be like, let me time my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's fun.

[Shane Gillis]

But I give up after a while.

[Matt McCusker]

But, yeah, so you got. I got a problem. But then people. Now people are like, they use it. It's like a virtue to have that. I'm like, embarrassed.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm like, trying my hardest not to blink. Weird. Because the YouTube comments, I can't keep my eyes open. It's crazy. I'm like, humiliated by it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it did become cool to have, like, autism. Now it's either like, you gotta have something. If you're. If you're like 24 and you're like, no, I'm. I'm good. They're like, that sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

No, be like, yeah, you got to be kind of like gay or something.

[Matt McCusker]

Cutting is big.

[Shane Gillis]

Cutting. Gay. Cutting. No, no, I'm saying.

[Matt McCusker]

Or minority. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Double minority. Gay black man.

[Nate Bargatze]

Maybe I'll become.

[Shane Gillis]

You're not gay. You're the least gay person I know.

[Nate Bargatze]

I know, but it's Too late. I'll just be gay.

[Shane Gillis]

I was laughing today about, like, especially with the podcast and, like, ads and all that stuff. Stuff. There's definitely. I. I would. I would like to think that there are some sort of, like, boardroom in these, like, startups or, like, Spotify, where they're, like, checking almost like a. Like a stock trading floor. They're reading comments, but a lot of people saying, the host of this podcast is gay. We got to call the Magnesium Powder people. They're calling them gay. They're calling them a gay, schizophrenic loser.

[Matt McCusker]

So how did you end up gay?

[Nate Bargatze]

They.

[Shane Gillis]

They said.

[Nate Bargatze]

They said I was being gay. We went to LA for a week when Shay was doing the ESPYs, and they said, yeah, they said LA. I was just gay in LA. I wasn't.

[Shane Gillis]

But what is. What was the accusing of being gay in LA for?

[Nate Bargatze]

I did. I mean, I said I was.

[Shane Gillis]

You wore cool clothes.

[Nate Bargatze]

Well, I wore. I wore one shirt. It's not even that cool, but I. What it really was is I've been for real for a kind of homophobe my whole life. Seems like I talked about the kid not kissing girls and stuff, and then I, you know, grew out of it. I still had that thing where I couldn't joke gay that much and, you know, hanging out with y'.

[Shane Gillis]

All.

[Nate Bargatze]

Eventually y' all broke it down. And then I got. I started trying to have fun gay jokes with y', all, and then the second I did it, it was like, yo, what the hell? And then I couldn't say anything without being sus. And then Lemaire's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast. He knew what he was doing. He. He got mad at me all when we were doing panties once because he was like, that's the name of our podcast. So it does. But he.

[Shane Gillis]

He not boxer briefs.

[Nate Bargatze]

True. Also says. Because. Because when we were talking, I brought up him having sex with those.

[Matt McCusker]

With the.

[Nate Bargatze]

With the trans. He was, like, for real mad at that. He was like, you tried to it. I was like, what?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, well, he. He. Yeah. And to be fair, I'm still riding for Lamare on this dude.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, I'm on the side, too.

[Shane Gillis]

It's hilarious.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's hilarious.

[Shane Gillis]

He lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, okay.

[Nate Bargatze]

And she was like, one week in the tea. She was. I saw a picture. She was hot.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he.

[Nate Bargatze]

I guess now was hot as hell on paper.

[Shane Gillis]

It sounds funny. Virginity to. Yeah, technically a guy. He Lost now. Yeah, he lost virginity to a guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Right.

[Shane Gillis]

That's. That's kind of the wrinkle.

[Nate Bargatze]

He spazzed on me on panties. He was like, you were trying to be nasty to me because you brought that up and I was like, I was being nasty after what you did to me. It was, it was.

[Shane Gillis]

It was all. Yeah, you'll now be ever. Your descendants are going to be like, oh, he was gay. He used to be gay.

[Nate Bargatze]

He used to be zesty.

[Shane Gillis]

All they'll know is they'll do an AI summary. Like, your grandfather never kissed girls. Personal policy. He never kissed girls ever since he was a child and then was known as being gay. Yeah, the Internet legacy will be crazy. Yeah, it's kind offun to.ancestry.com would be so cool seeing all your embarrassing fucking Facebook posts. Going to be digital.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

For sure.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's going to also have your digital history.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it'll be like a. Yeah, you'd sit down and get like a full download. Probably like a curated thing of like, this is what your father was up to.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, it's insane to think about.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

All the podcasts.

[Shane Gillis]

Web history. Don't forget about web.

[Nate Bargatze]

Web history is the one that'll be out there. Like, it's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids, your kids, your kids kids.

[Shane Gillis]

It'll be in your kids, like, neural link thing and they can get like a super fast flash, like the speed of their synapses where it can just be like, wow, yeah, be up.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Nate Bargatze]

But by then they'll be in the weirder probably.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

Because they. Because we. Because we keep getting weirder and weirder.

[Shane Gillis]

I think porn's about to grind to a halt. I'm not just saying that because I've personally conquered my demons. I think it's good. I don't know, man. I think it's going to be all, like, all kids are going to be. It'll be like your kid will now. It'll be like, you'll see if your kid's looking at smut because you'll have your phones linked. Kind of. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool.

[Shane Gillis]

From Progressive, you can find options that.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Not available in all states. I plan on. Well, I have daughters. I'm not worried about it, but like, yeah, somebody put the smut checker on there, the.

[Nate Bargatze]

That app you're talking about where it's.

[Shane Gillis]

Like the dad, you're here. Covenant Eyes. There's an app called Covenant Eyes where you and your son can like link your phone so that like if anything, you know, porn related comes up, it'll trigger like your dad would get a notification.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wow.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Does he get the same notification when you look at porn?

[Shane Gillis]

I think so. I think that's the covenant. I think you added. There's like a. I think there's a politician who's used Covenant Eyes with his son.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

It sounds, it does sound like the opposite of like father son duos who get hookers together.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow. Land in between the two somewhere right in the middle. I'm gonna do neither of those things.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know, but I feel like you'll have it like before you. We were like, I don't think kids will have free range open porn. I think it's going to be parents gonna put a kibosh in that.

[Nate Bargatze]

I for real hope not. That was kind of real terrible for us.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's not good.

[Nate Bargatze]

I started, I looked at like red tube when I was had to be 12 or 13.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I never had any porn. I was all serious catalog and stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

That was. We had magazines later I did Sears catalog. And then I came in in college was like when I could start downloading it and then it was just open on the Internet my whole adult life. But not as a child. That would you up or Sean, what did you. What did you discover? You were right. Mike Johnson, the speaker of the House of Representatives publicly talks use of COVID and eyes with his 17 year old son. Nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Now will they continue it once he's 18? Will he keep the tradition alive or will he legally as a adult be like father. I'm recommending we shut down our covenant. I'm not sure I think it's a good idea. I think I, I'm, I'm. I've been anti porn for a while.

[Nate Bargatze]

I would get a burner phone if I had covenant eyes with my dad. I would just have a second cell phone. I couldn't, I couldn't live like that.

[Matt McCusker]

You said burger phone like those old phones. And I was like, yeah, those things are awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

It' one night, 100 numbers. I mean it is weird because I, I like. It's hard to not look at porn. It's like almost unthinkable to like because I've tried to stop it and it took me three years to finally Be like, I don't need to look at it.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah. Instagram don't make it. Everything makes it hard.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I don't really look at. Yeah, I try not to look. My Instagram for real, is just, like, steroid guys screaming at me. I don't get a lot of babes. It's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other. Other.

[Matt McCusker]

No, Mine's like, movies, photography, and baseball. Like, people go to their search thing and it's. I'm, like, actually embarrassed by mine. Yeah, it's just like, Robin, you had 3,000 hits on that. Whatever. I'm like, some.

[Nate Bargatze]

There's times where mines is 100% women, and it's the most embarrassing thing.

[Shane Gillis]

What's. That's for the nature of your guys. You guys do research for your podcast.

[Nate Bargatze]

True. That has been making it worse.

[Shane Gillis]

I still don't know how you pull. They do a baby of the week every week, and they have to, like, explain why she's the baby of the week.

[Nate Bargatze]

Sometimes it's funny, and then other times we take it too seriously. You just pick hot ladies and go, she's the hottest.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, but how. What does your babe say about the baby of the week? You tell her, like, obviously, you're a baby. You're.

[Matt McCusker]

You're the babe of my lifetime.

[Shane Gillis]

Has she ever even, like, brought it up? Begrudgingly, because I feel like I would get. I would get pressed in my house for that. Look at that. If you have. You know, I don't want to sew.

[Nate Bargatze]

No, no, she. She doesn't. Like. She really doesn't. She. She's. I guess she never Anything that's kind of comedy related. She never.

[Shane Gillis]

That's.

[Nate Bargatze]

Unless I was like, start talking about, like, her. Too personal, like, her privacy. She don't.

[Shane Gillis]

She.

[Nate Bargatze]

I mean, she knows. She knows me. We'll be watching something. She watches Real Housewives, and I go, like, whose titties are those? Like, that's kind of how we exist.

[Shane Gillis]

And Nice.

[Nate Bargatze]

And our thing.

[Matt McCusker]

My wife has a rule, like, you don't listen to your partner's podcast. She's like, it's like reading a diary.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, that feels like the right thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I've. I've swayed my wife away from it. I was like, just please don't watch it. And my mom. My wife and my mom. I say, please don't watch my podcast ever.

[Nate Bargatze]

I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something.

[Matt McCusker]

I think about that, too. You're talking about, like, your son getting older and, like, or your daughters, whatever, listening, seeing your history, I think that must be hard to date because you meet someone, they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said. That would be scary to me. Being single and meeting a girl and I'm like, my charming self. And then she can put on a podcast of like, would you eat your own Dad's come? And she's like, oh, this guy's a piece of shit.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I, what I, what I think, though, is if your podcast is doing well, they'll be like, great, right? You know what I mean? Once, once you get, you know, once you sell one boner pill, they're like, yep, it's good. I don't care what the. This guy talks about. And there's really, is something out there for everyone. There's like, you know, know there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild and it's like, like Holocaust denials become a big thing.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's a big podcast.

[Shane Gillis]

That was like, it was a move, man. There was like the last year I've seen who Dan Bazerian hit the gas pedal on that. He just out of nowhere was just like, I'm, I, I think I'm correct. I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he pushed the pedal on that. That's like a light speed podcasting technique. He's like, you know what, man? I'm just gonna go into Holocaust, just make a million. I'm sure there's like, girls out there that are like, yeah, I'll just date this guy and you know, whatever, wish them peace and, you know, whatever. Live, laugh, love. But the. Yeah, no, I feel like there's. There's someone out there for everything. So.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Shane Gillis]

Also, there's no way. I don't know, because I feel like I've talked about stuff before that's just like, I don't know, it's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table, but if it works, I think people are like, oh, this is great.

[Matt McCusker]

Right? Well, I have this too. Like, my wife, one time I was performing an Austin. Like her, her brothers live here, and her sister invited her mother to the show. And I had to step in, like, you cannot have your mother come to my show. And her mother's like a British intellectual elderly woman.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no.

[Matt McCusker]

And I'm like talking about eating her and stuff. Like, this is outrageous. Like, I've never. I wouldn't say in front of her.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, like, literally the word. Did she come?

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, I was like, I'm sorry. And it was awkward because she's like, I guess I can't see your comment. And I want to be like, you can watch it on YouTube by yourself.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, still horrifying.

[Matt McCusker]

But.

[Shane Gillis]

But dude, I. I don't even know you're there.

[Nate Bargatze]

Like, that's.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I've had to just completely be like, yeah, just. I'm going to do it if you. Because my wife will invite like her. He invited her grandfather one time and I just, I was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off, among other things. And he just, he sat through the whole thing because I remember being like, well, I'm just going to do my thing and you'll see how he feels. And he was pretty supportive. He was like, that was hilarious.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's good.

[Shane Gillis]

That's. I. What I found is people are surprised. Surprisingly kind of like my like parents came a couple times and I thought they'd be kind of like. Like, what the. But my mom just laughed. She's just like, you're gross.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, my parents come, but my mother in law also went and saw Nate Bargazi and she was like, that was terrible. He was misogynistic. You should not talk about your wife like that. And I was like, oh my God.

[Nate Bargatze]

She saw.

[Matt McCusker]

Nate was like, this guy hates women. I was like, yo, Jesus Christ.

[Shane Gillis]

That's interesting. If I heard that, it'd be like, oh, wow. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Although it's. I don't know, man. I think he's got to let her taste the power. You should just. That's a good name for a special. I feel like. Yeah, because, because I. Yeah, because I remember when I recorded my first special, my wife is like, your parents are going to be there, but I won't tell you which show. So then I was like, oh, cool. But then every show I was like, are they here at this one?

[Matt McCusker]

Right?

[Shane Gillis]

So they had to be like, just tell me when they're coming. I'm just gonna let it rip.

[Matt McCusker]

See, my parents are very like, it's a very like liberal language house. Like, I don't feel self conscious around them because we swear and all that.

[Shane Gillis]

I was talking about specifically like my dad like getting and stuff. So yeah. So I was kind of tough. But I'm talking about his lack. I was like imagined he like a huge. Right. But then I was actually in the first encouraging my mom to maybe pony up a little bit. So you know. But they just were like, whatever. They kind of laughed through it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I had a joke about how My mother wanted to Patrick Sway. I watched what's the movie? You know, Dirty Dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like, like that Patrick Swayze. Which is true. And so I had a whole bit about it and then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit. But then they eventually watched my special and it's in there.

[Nate Bargatze]

Did they say something about it?

[Matt McCusker]

No, she never mentioned anything. But it's true. I mean she's a, she's. She's a. She wants Patrick Swayze. She can't. I'd hold it back. She'll still do it. She's like patrick Swayze, my God, it's like so insane. I'm like, why you want to get like plowed by Patrick Swift?

[Shane Gillis]

So now it's even more women are so much hornier for dead guys than they are living guys.

[Matt McCusker]

He's a good looking man.

[Shane Gillis]

He was. He could dance his ass off.

[Matt McCusker]

And I always felt bad cuz I'm like my dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Sway. He must just be like this sucks this movie up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's one of the moves will do to you. They. He's handsome. You're like this guy looks nothing like me. Why would you do that?

[Matt McCusker]

I had a girlfriend, my previous girlfriend, my ex girlfriend, whatever you say. And someone. We were like at a hang with some buddies and she was like. Someone was like what's your type? And she was like like I like a rugged outdoor guy, long hair. Be like she just described just completely not me. And I was like this is crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

How did you bring it up? Or you just let it go and just.

[Matt McCusker]

I would joked about it after and like she laughed and everything because I was like she liked. Because I was like the funny self deprecating guy. So I was like that was great. And she would laugh. But you're also at the same time you're like well that sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

What the fuck?

[Matt McCusker]

I guess I'm just not.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm so curious. I kind of want you to hold Frame on your mother in law. Are you familiar with like frame and all that stuff? Stuff? No, dude, there's a whole. This is why my algorithms are steroid guys yelling. But there's a bunch of guys on the Internet who are obsessed with. There's an idea called Frame. It always makes me laugh. But it's like you dictate the pace of everything. So you go to the house you like. Basically you know, it's just like everything's up to you always drive. If your wife drives, she's definitely probably gonna cheat on you, according to these guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wow.

[Shane Gillis]

My wife drives all the time. And I found that out. I was like, but yeah, frame, you have to like, you can't let someone influence. If someone's influencing your actions at all. You. You've lost frame, according to these guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, these guys don't sound great. The world wouldn't sustain.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line. There's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all, she's dominating you, which is. I think that's hilarious.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wow.

[Shane Gillis]

So it goes that deep. But like, yeah, if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I gotta check out this frame business.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, dude, you gotta get your frame. Your mother in law holds frame right now. You gotta snap, match the frame. So next time.

[Matt McCusker]

But don't you think I hold the frame? I'm like, you can't come to the show.

[Shane Gillis]

That's right. Okay, get out of here.

[Matt McCusker]

You're not coming. She had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go.

[Shane Gillis]

And you got the money from her. That actually is kind of framed. My bad.

[Matt McCusker]

That's framed the hell out of her.

[Shane Gillis]

Fair point. I didn't think about that. You should invite her another one and then cancel the last minute. If you did that, I definitely. Frank, you got frame? Frame for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

I think my wife does the leaning. She always does like a thing.

[Shane Gillis]

She leans in.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah. I'm upright.

[Shane Gillis]

Sucks for her.

[Matt McCusker]

I remember watching the thing about handshakes and politics. Like, you always want to be the person on the outside and then like turning the hand over like this.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's why people will do that. They'll turn you. The upper hand is like big. You're like a. And then I've heard that politicians will like argue on who's on what side of the photo. Because when you're like that, you're kind of like, like turning your arm like. Or whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. You want to be this guy? You want to be this guy?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, that's probably where forearm grab brother shake comes from. Yeah, Yeah, I would just do those because that would suck. I didn't think about that. You got to take the lesser.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's very emasculating to be like, yeah, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

It is. I. I will say I'd imagine it is kind of a bleak existence though, to be constantly Mapping out these moves and you know.

[Nate Bargatze]

Or it becomes just how you like, just how you do the world. Like, nope.

[Shane Gillis]

Then you have to like, you'd be. I can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm like taking a. First of all, handshake pictures. Crazy to be like, all right, yeah. But then like being in that situation somehow gracefully, like whipping the other human to the side that I want them. Like, I just laugh at your hand. I just lack that. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was just like doing the. That's spinning around, trying to figure out.

[Shane Gillis]

I was just at a family party this weekend and my mother in law, I like took my coat off and I was just holding it and standing there by myself and I genuinely didn't know where to put it. And I just stood there like that until my mother in law was like, matt, come here. I walked over. She's like, here, give me the code. I saw you over there struggling. I was like, I just. I just completely just fritzed out and just stood there with the coach going. Until she was like, I saw that and I was like, oh, it doesn't make me feel any better. But here you go. Thank you.

[Nate Bargatze]

That seems like acting like a good house gu, though. Like you just not throwing it on the couch. That'll feel like.

[Shane Gillis]

I would have came. Yeah, I would have figured out a place, but I was taking a little long and she noticed. I guess I was kind of awkward also. I. I was. And I'm getting better at. I was at the only white guy at the party. Yeah, I'm getting better at this, man. I swear to God. It's a skill. You. It's like a weird thing to be like, I don't know. Wow. The worst nightmare it is.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm just kidding.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, to be fair, I'm not great in any social setting. But yeah, once you throw. Once you're like a. A complete radical minority around.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a great special name, by the way. You're just throwing them out there.

[Shane Gillis]

If I. And again, if I was like, only if I was last samurai action, I'd be fine with. I'd be cool with that. But like, black people are like notoriously kind of cool. So it's like I've learned what I. Here's my approach. What I've learned. You gotta as like, I'm pretty schlubby in terms of dress code. Yeah. But you do out of respect. Got to get a little. A tiny bit fly. Just a little bit fly. Like just match something somewhat. But just out of respect for the House.

[Nate Bargatze]

That's hilarious.

[Shane Gillis]

I've been getting just a. You don't want to go full black. That's almost like, now you're a contender. If I get too fly now it's like.

[Nate Bargatze]

But if you get a little fly, I feel like you're. Right away, everybody's like, I like Matt.

[Shane Gillis]

You have to get a tiny bit fly.

[Nate Bargatze]

You still wear the hocus or do you switch up to like.

[Shane Gillis]

I had the hocus, but I had. They're brightly colored hocus. And that. That morning, my wife bought me a fleece, which isn't the flyest, but the blue did match a blue in my shoe. And I was like, I'm ready for the party.

[Matt McCusker]

But my experience being around black people, you know, being the most genuine self you can be, I feel like, true.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, this is true.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like if you try, I. I posted a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks, and that's a no. No. Evidently, I didn't. I didn't know that. But I think it's, like, charming that I'm like, whoops.

[Shane Gillis]

I agree.

[Matt McCusker]

Because if you try to be like, what's up, homie?

[Nate Bargatze]

He's basically starting out stand up. You got to, like, a black room and a white guy just talks different.

[Shane Gillis]

Out of, like, two years to my credit, I used. I would go to black rooms and talk Pokemon. I had no idea. A lot of black people watch anime, and I'm like, man, this Pokemon shit's crushing. This is awesome. But, yeah, that is funny. Watching people be like, oh, man, I don't even know. And you're like, dude, why are you doing that?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I felt. When I first moved to New York, I got in with this guy Imagine. I don't know if you ever met that comic. I think he's Puerto Rican. But he had all these, like, urban.

[Shane Gillis]

Imagine.

[Matt McCusker]

Imagine. Yeah, that's great. And he had all these urban rooms. I was doing all these urban shows, and I would, like, crush because I was like, I don't have sex. It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, my God.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I would see white guys be like, what? What's up? Or whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, doing. I just got out of jail.

[Nate Bargatze]

I do feel bad for the white guys, though, who, like, grew up around black people and they want to do comedy. If you're not, it's only one. You can only be one Gary.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, it's true. Gary Owens is brought up to me. He's like, is your comedy like Gary? Oh. And I. I didn't know how to navigate it. I was like, not particularly, no. So what do you do? I was like, that's different. Like, how's it different? I didn't. I was trying to think of, like. I don't just talk about black stuff, though.

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't know how to say that to the person. I was like, is it like that? I was like, sort of. I was like, I heard he's actually a really cool. Actually did hear he's a really nice guy. But I had to be like, yeah, not really. But like, how's it different? I can't really say. I was like, I have to think about it for a while.

[Nate Bargatze]

Tell your wife's whole family, it's not that black.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not that black. That's what I was trying to say. It's not as black as it. He's way blacker than I am. I'm about as tenth as black as Gary. That's what I should have said. Less. It's less black, more white boy crazy. But, yeah, I'm getting better, dude. I'm telling you, man, I think that was like, my best one yet. My best black party I've been to. It's killing it. I did botch. They asked me if I had a player phase, and I. I was just like, I don't know. I don't remember what I said. I was like, I don't know. I actually was married previously. You know, I've been divorced before, but maybe between the day. Dude, imagine saying that to a guy in an all red sweatsuit. Well, I got married when I was 25. Let's see that. Oh, yeah. That didn't go well. I could have been like. I didn't want to talk. There could have been so many other.

[Nate Bargatze]

Things, but of course, I had to play a face.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's true. I know, I know, I know, dude. That's why, again, you're gonna think, you know, you think about the balls you drop, obviously, all night, but, oh, man, I should have been like, I cheat on my wife all the time. No, it's great. It was. It was a great party. For real. I had a blast. But, yeah, it is a man. That's something, man. I always, you know, that's. That's a wild thing. It's crazy. I always say it to black people. It's crazy to be, like, physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you.

[Matt McCusker]

You.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

When they flip the script on you go, this does kind of change your thinking a little bit. You go, this isn't the best. Let's let's reverse this back. I. It's Freaky Friday's over, dude. Let's get me back to the dominant position here.

[Matt McCusker]

I had that one time years ago. I opened for. I don't want to say his name. I get nervous. But a black comic who's. Was famous. And we were hanging out. We. Like, before, I thought we were friends, and this person has some sort of disorder, and we were hanging out, and it was like, all of his crew. And I was like, this is great. Look at me, you know? And we were watching the basketball game, and it came down to, like, the last play. And I was like, any predictions? What do you think's gonna happen here? And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict. I let. What B. B. Usually. And then he, like, got up and started ranting about, like, slavery and stuff. He was drunk, and I was like, well, this is a bad situation. It was like. It was me and, like, 14 guys, and I was the only white guy. And he was like, this is what the white. White people have been doing. And then there was a guy. I was like, should I, like, get out of here? Oh, no. He does this.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And it was quite terrifying, I have to say.

[Shane Gillis]

You tell him that England ended slavery. I already went into that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Pardon me. Actually, here's the thing. But it was. Yeah, I remember I was kind of looking around like, oh, this is. If he gets these other folks on. I don't have any, you know.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But it was fine.

[Shane Gillis]

That is uncomfortable, though. I. Yeah, I've been in that situation where, like, you know, horrors of the past kind of rear the ugly head.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Conversation that becomes the dialogue. And you're like, ah, yes, crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes. Crazy was a global institution. But it's crazy. It was practice all throughout the beginning of the time.

[Nate Bargatze]

But, yes, what I think happens with white people, that happens way more black people is y' all will end up in a situation like that around, like, regular. Like, black people that would feel that. Like, act like that. But black people are never around white people that if they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable. Like, I'm not around a bunch of rednecks. Like, if they all started going, like, see, that's the problem. Like. But I'm never. I'm just around like, y'. All.

[Matt McCusker]

Right, right. That's a great point.

[Nate Bargatze]

But. Cause I was sitting there, like, in my head, I'm like, nobody's gonna do nothing to you. But I can see it being like, oh, shit, I might have fucked up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I mean, and in that situation, I wasn't like, I'm gonna die. But it felt like, oh, am I? Like. Like, should I. Yeah, that's like, trust me.

[Nate Bargatze]

And I could see myself getting to that if I was hanging with rednecks. Just like, straight up country. Just. Yeah, just because. I don't know. I don't know that that's what I felt.

[Matt McCusker]

It felt more like, why, I'll let you guys go. You guys have your thing.

[Shane Gillis]

I felt like that at black church before. I'm like, am I like. Hopefully I'm not, like, dampening this. I want this guy to be able to do his thing, worry about me. I'm cool.

[Matt McCusker]

Can't do the backflips because you're over there. He wants to do the worm, but he's like, God, we got a wet guy here.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you do feel kind of like a wet blanket on the situation. Well, damn it, dude. I think we. I think we got it, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I think we killed a lot.

[Shane Gillis]

I think we did. We covered a lot of ground.

[Matt McCusker]

I appreciate it. Well, I had a breakfast was a green tea and a smoothie, so. I'm about to piss my pants.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll let. Please. You first. I'm. I'm about to explode. How about you, Nate?

[Nate Bargatze]

No, I'm actually kind of cool. I didn't have my coffee, bu.

[Shane Gillis]

Me, I'm. I'm really having a tough time. Coffee. Yeah. Well, is there anything you want to plug my special?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I got a special called small. I have four specials on YouTube. The latest one's called Small.

[Shane Gillis]

I meant to ask you about that, by the way, dude. Maybe the most prolific dude ever.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, thanks. I appreciate that. Every time I spread the word. For God's sake.

[Shane Gillis]

You what?

[Matt McCusker]

I said spread the word, for God's sake. Tell somebody. Yeah, so they're a bunch on there. I hate myself enough for everybody. This year's material and small ball all. They're all up there, and they go down in order of views.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

10 million, 2 million. No, that's bad. 1,800,000.

[Shane Gillis]

No, but, dude, the. The prolificness. I. Every time I opened up the other day, I went, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Son of a. I'm trying. So I gotta stop him. No, that's amazing, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. This is cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Of course. A quick plug, please.

[Nate Bargatze]

Optimum Noctis. Lamar might be back for that one. Mea Lair. All back again September 16th. So next Tuesday, please. Please come. Oh, and October 23rd. Helium. Helium Atlanta, please. Thank you. Please come.

[Matt McCusker]

Nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Please. Yeah, you go. Please pee. I'm. My head's about to explode. My head's about to explode.