Ep 589 - Broke Mind Virus

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Episode 589 - Broke Mind Virus
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Date: December 12, 2025

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Overview

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is a rollicking, free-association ride through recent backstage mishaps, hip-hop documentary drama (especially the expose on Diddy), sports controversies and heartbreaks, comedic riffs about hustle culture, and nostalgic reminiscing about grade school holiday performances. The episode is characteristically packed with inside jokes, affectionate roasting, and meandering but hilarious takes on current events, pop culture, and personal mishaps—all delivered in Matt and Shane's signature irreverent, riff-heavy banter.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Backstage Misadventures & Nate's Brother Incident

[00:00 - 03:00]

• The episode opens with tales of a wild backstage scene before a stand-up show, focusing on Nate's brother(?) fainting and various mishaps involving chairs, rolling over couches, and drunken antics.
• Memorable quote:
  “He popped up and was like, 'I wasn't on the ground.' That was the first thing he said.” – Shane [01:27]
• The hosts riff on the dangers of being big guys, the risks of bellies coming out while passed out, and the relief that Nate’s brother “bounced back.”

2. Black Podcast Culture, “Passing Out is Gay,” & Podcast Trends

[02:00 - 04:00]

• Shane dives into observations about old Black comedians entering the podcast world with a unique style: “All you gotta do is call each other gay the whole time. And they're making millions.” [02:06]
• References to Pauls and “pausing” for comedic effect, as seen on Jada Kiss and Fat Joe’s shows.

3. Cruise Ship Drinking Story, Anti-Alcohol Shots, and Drunkenness Technology

[04:44 - 06:10]

• The gang discusses a recent cruise ship incident where a man died after 33 recorded drinks and being “shot with an antipsychotic.”
• Matt wonders about an anti-alcohol Narcan equivalent:
  “Why don't they have a Narcan version of alcohol that as soon as you give someone, they're just like, what? What?” – Matt [05:30]
• Nate’s drunkenness resurfaces, prompting more laughs about Narcan for drunks.

4. Drug and Partying Antics Riff

[06:13 - 07:56]

• Poppers, GHB, and “Toosie” humor escalate the debauchery stories, with comedy exaggerating what really went down before and after shows.
• Quote:
  “You were, like, railing lines of Toosie before the show. And then you had GHB laced baby oil.” – Matt [06:30]

5. Diddy Docuseries and “Broke Mind Virus”

[11:00 - 26:00]

• Major section delving into the Diddy documentary: his infamous parties, the allegations of not paying collaborators, the wild voicemails, and the subsequent fallouts.
• Critical moments from the doc are dissected with the hosts oscillating between genuine shock and comic disbelief.
• Memorable quotes:
  “Making Biggie's family, the estate pay for the funeral and then dancing on the VMAs.” – Shane [11:30]
  “It was a broke mind virus.” – Matt [21:39]
• The phrase “broke mind virus” is repeatedly riffed as a satirical diagnosis for being exploited or manipulated, both in music and in ordinary life.

6. “For the Culture” & Celeb Accountability Riff

[23:04 - 24:27]

• The group challenges the trope of keeping silence about bad behavior “for the culture.”
• Quote:
  “White people have to start holding that down. Next time there's like a white collar crime like Enron, just be like, dude, we couldn't. It's for the culture, bro.” – Matt [24:30]

7. Hip Hop Beef, Documentary Filmmaking Risks, and Henchmen Logic

[25:19 - 28:07]

• Further speculation about the inner workings of hip hop drama, how docs get made, and the dangers for videographers and “henchmen.”
• Riff on the transactional nature of hired muscle and “broke” henchmen not being paid after a job.

8. College Football Playoff Snub and Sports Drama

[35:10 - 44:07]

• Shane details Notre Dame’s college football playoff snub—point-by-point, with stats and emotional resonance.
• Matt eggs Shane on as Shane’s heartbreak and indignation fuel the sports narrative.
• Quote:
  “They lied on us. ...And then both teams not playing, they go, man, they're better.” – Shane [35:29]
• Side tracks include various coaching scandals (Michigan, Ole Miss), the impact of NIL and money, and the frequency of abrupt coaching changes.

9. Modern Hustle Culture & “White Collar Subcontracting”

[55:00 - 57:39]

• Satirical advice for modern remote workers: “Apply for three or four remote jobs, get all of them and then outsource it all to dudes in like Pakistan.” – Matt [55:00]
• Extends the “broke mind virus” theme to white-collar workers who don’t hustle hard enough.

10. Nostalgia – Grade School Holiday Plays and Gender Differences in Concerts

[57:43 - 62:46]

• Heartfelt (and still comic) reminiscences over school Christmas concerts, “tableau” nativity scenes, always wanting to land the role of Joseph or the May Queen, and the gendered evolution from enthusiasm to embarrassment.
• “If you were to get, like, eight women right now, like, yo, you guys got to make up a dance and put on a song. They'd be like, okay. ...It would be so serious.” – Matt [58:46]
• Discussion of childhood pecking orders, casting injustices, and how “the hottest chick” always ended up as Mary or the May Queen.

11. Shane’s Birthday Cake Debacle

[64:47 - 68:15]

• The crew presents a comically underwhelming, tiny, frozen Oreo cake for Shane’s birthday.
• Everyone roasts the effort (“microbird” cake), and there’s extended riffing on appropriate cakes for grown men, favorite flavors, and birthday expectations versus reality.
• Quote:
  “Can you imagine if I was a UCLA volleyball girl... what my birthday would be like today?” – Shane [73:02]

12. Closing Banter, Hangover Stories, Buttered Rum, and Looking Forward

[68:42 - 74:45]

• Matt describes weekend hangovers and the misery of kids’ birthday parties when hungover, segueing into enthusiastic riffs about buttered rum as the best Christmas beverage.
• Shane shares how he weathered a hangover with college football and the pain of losing out on seeing favorite players.
• The episode closes with gratitude, calls to Patreon, and Shane’s humble birthday celebration.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Old black guys are flying into the podcast game. They figured out the code. All you gotta do is call each other gay the whole time. And they're making millions.” – Shane [02:06]
• “Passing out is sus. Dude, passing out is sus.” – Matt [02:00]
• “Making Biggie's family, the estate pay for the funeral and then dancing on the VMAs.” – Shane [11:30]
• “It was a broke mind virus.” – Matt [21:39]
• “White people have to start holding that down. Next time there's like a white collar crime like Enron, just be like, dude, we couldn't. It's for the culture, bro.” – Matt [24:30]
• “They got the broke mind virus, dude.” – Shane [55:53]
• “Funfetti though. Funfetti cake. Vanilla on there. Funfetti slamming.” – Shane [67:24]
• “Can you imagine if I was a UCLA volleyball girl... what my birthday would be like today?” – Shane [73:02]
• “I identify as my Spotify age, 73. 73. I'm an old soul.” – Matt [69:05]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00 – 03:00: Backstage chaos, Nate’s brother fainting, drunken antics
• 02:00 – 04:00: Black podcasting culture and “passing out is gay” riff
• 04:44 – 06:10: Cruise deaths, antipsychotic injection, “alcohol Narcan”
• 11:00 – 26:00: Diddy docuseries, “broke mind virus,” “for the culture”
• 35:10 – 44:07: Notre Dame’s playoff snub, college football drama
• 55:00 – 57:39: White collar outsourcing/hustle satire
• 57:43 – 62:46: School concert nostalgia, May Queen, pecking orders
• 64:47 – 68:15: Birthday cake debacle for Shane
• 68:42 – 74:45: Hangovers, Christmas drinks, show wrap-up

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Tone and Style

• The episode is sardonic, self-deprecating, and relentlessly playful, with Matt and Shane's affection for one another and their friends evident in their banter.
• The humor oscillates between lowbrow roast jokes and surprising moments of sharp social observation.
• Frequent digressions are part of the charm, and the audience is assumed to be “in” on long-running riffs and inside jokes.

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Summary

“Broke Mind Virus” is an exemplar Matt and Shane episode: off-the-rails storytelling, gleeful skewering of hip hop legends, bellyaching over sports injustices, and unapologetically juvenile comedy about birthday cakes and adolescent pageants. Underneath the irreverence, there’s a pointed commentary about fame, money, hustle culture, and the enduring trauma of getting stuck with the worst part in the school play. The “broke mind virus” that afflicts everyone from former rap moguls to cubicle dwellers is deployed as both an in-joke and a semi-serious diagnosis for a world gone slightly mad—leaving listeners laughing and, perhaps, feeling a little less alone in the chaos.

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For full context, hilarity, and more random side stories, listen to the episode in its entirety.

Transcript

[A]

The wild, wild west. All right.

[B]

Hello. Hey.

[A]

Hello. We're live now. Dude. How much does Nate's brother look like? I thought it was a good doctor for sure when. When your brother walked in. And of course, I know him, so that's how I knew him. But when he walked in, I was like, oh, I thought it was Dr. Umar. And then the good doctor you guys were. You and your brother put on the dipshit brothers. You and your brother are the dipshit brothers.

[C]

My brother, I don't know how he. He usually holds it together. I did what I do, but him. That was out of character.

[A]

Right before. Right before I go on stage, he comes walking through the. Puts his arm around Nate's shoulder. Can't walk going through the tunnel. I go get him a chair. We sit down. I turn around. He falls out of the chair.

[C]

Yeah, he never hit the chair.

[B]

He.

[C]

I put him in, like, leg just still up on the chair.

[B]

Was like a medical pass out, though.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Nate. Nate cried.

[C]

I didn't cry, but I did go.

[B]

I go, holy.

[A]

Is he all right? Nick goes, holy. I don't know.

[C]

It wasn't that bad, but I did hit it. I was worried about him.

[A]

He went down. I don't even know.

[B]

Help.

[A]

I saw.

[B]

I've never.

[C]

I never see. I. I didn't say, help.

[A]

Somebody call.

[C]

I was thinking about it for.

[A]

I was. I was like, I can't go on stage. Nate's brother just died.

[B]

Yeah. The good doctor N. Shane AI stepped over him walk.

[A]

I did step. I did step over.

[C]

He's all right. He popped. I don't know if you heard it when he popped up. He popped up and was like, I wasn't on the ground. That was the first thing he said.

[B]

I didn't pass out. As.

[A]

As fellow big guys, we were both celebrating the fact that his belly did not fall out.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that was good.

[A]

That was good.

[E]

Look.

[A]

That would have been devastating. He's laying on your side that big. It's like. It's got a slight curvature. It's a rough look.

[C]

Yeah, he laid it on his back. He got lucky.

[B]

He was two hits and your belly hitting the floor.

[C]

Yeah. So I can't even remember.

[A]

It was just leg in the air. Yeah. You were pure panic.

[B]

Yeah, it sucks.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, he wants to bounce back.

[B]

I was still Nate passing out sus. Dude, passing out is sus.

[C]

That's what Jim Jones.

[B]

I was been watching Jim Jones's podcast, dude. The old black guys are flying into the podcast game. They Figured out the code. All you gotta do is call each other gay the whole time. And they're making millions.

[A]

Welcome, brothers.

[B]

They're just coming in talking like, wait, you pass out. It's kind of gay. You pass like anyone. I never pass out. Passing out. This shit's gay as hell.

[A]

That is actually my whole ass.

[B]

Now.

[A]

Old black dudes are.

[B]

They've been doing it forever. The paws.

[A]

They're the Paul.

[B]

Paul's in each other is the best.

[A]

It's the best.

[B]

Jada kisses. And Fat Joe's podcast is just so fat Joe gets Paul's non stop.

[A]

He does. He's crazy. He says, wild one.

[B]

Oh, it's crazy.

[A]

It's almost like he's doing it on purpose.

[B]

I really think so. He probably has a staff of writers. Be like, write me the gayest you can possibly think of.

[A]

But no. Nate's brother bounced back. And then Nate picked up the torch, bro. He said, how can I make a bigger fool of my family? He's rolling around on the couch now.

[C]

When you say roll, like, I couldn't. I was.

[A]

You literally were standing right there. You'd fall over the couch like a scuba diver. You would like. Like going, oh, you'd fall backwards.

[B]

I didn't know you got. You were that drunk. We were on the plane together.

[A]

Do you know why scuba divers, you know how they sit on the boat and fall backwards?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know why they look cool? No. Because if they fell forward, they would land in the boat. Come on, guys.

[B]

Classic highlight reel 2025.

[A]

Joke world. Clip it.

[B]

Highlight reel 2025. Just run that back 25 times.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That's what we'll do for the New Year's.

[A]

New Year's episode. Over and over for three hours. You fall asleep to going to laugh. Every time you're going to try to sleep. You go, now, Phil hit me with that. Phil hit. Phil hit me and Gerbies with that. It was great. We were watching a. He was watching some travel show. He was watching like a show about cruise ships. And they were. I was like, dude, you want to go on a cruise so bad. And Doug, here we have the Limu.

[B]

Emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu.

[F]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[A]

Cut the camera.

[B]

They see us. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com. liberty.

[A]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings.

[B]

Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Did you hear about the Guy who just died on a cruise.

[A]

No.

[B]

Some dude had on record 33 drinks. Because I guess they went, yeah, dude. And they.

[A]

Yo, back to the black podcast.

[B]

It's kind of gay.

[A]

It's kind of gay, dude.

[B]

Well, dude, they shot him with an anti psychotic. So he was. He had fully rodeo bowled himself. He just got 33 drinks in. He's getting his money's worth. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. And then they try to, like, subdue him, and apparently they gave him an injection.

[A]

Oh, that'll kill you.

[B]

Yeah. I think two things combined, which is like, first of all, if you're. You're going to subdue anyone on a cruise ship, it's probably going to be from alcohol. Why would you have a thing that does that? Secondly, like, why don't they have a Narcan version of alcohol that as soon as you give someone, they're just like, what? What?

[A]

God, that'd be bad. I'd carry it around. I'd just be like, all right, well, that's coke. But, yeah, true. Just so you know, that is coke.

[B]

True.

[A]

People go, I'm a little too drunk.

[C]

I'm back.

[A]

Hey, what do you guys want to talk about?

[B]

But no one would take it. If you're drunk, you're like, yo, you got to take your anti alcohol.

[A]

You'd be like, shut the up. I'm fine. This feels good. He. We could have used it on Nate. He was. Yeah, dude, you were rolling all over the couch.

[B]

We could have. We should have Narcan, Nate, dude.

[A]

And you got on the plane going, I'm sober. I had to take care of my brother this whole time.

[C]

I was kind of.

[A]

You were not. I really felt sober. We talked about me and Matthew did.

[B]

The math because not sober.

[A]

You were drinking.

[B]

You.

[A]

When we got into the green room, you poured a glass.

[B]

True.

[A]

Of liquor.

[C]

True.

[A]

But then, like, the entire show.

[B]

And then you did those poppers. You did a couple poppers in the.

[A]

Bathroom and you took the poppers. You and your brothers. Your brothers snorted poppers.

[B]

You took poppers and Juicy with your brother.

[A]

Don't put Diddy on.

[B]

Yeah, you were, like, railing lines of Toosie before the show. And then you had GHB laced baby oil. You gotta start traveling with, like, a. Just a milk car and a baby oil.

[A]

Dude, what the hell? God damn. Who the hell's that? We're never gonna get this podcast.

[B]

We're never gonna get this thing done.

[A]

The busiest day.

[B]

That was a hard. That was an authoritative knock, too. See what that is.

[C]

Sounds Good so far.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I don't know. What the hell? Maybe. Did you guys order something?

[A]

No. It's probably birthday.

[B]

You think so? It's like a hat and, like, a.

[A]

It says fragile. Must be Italian. Come on, man.

[B]

Put it 20. 25.

[A]

Point the best out of 20. 25.

[B]

Clip it up.

[A]

Damn, dude, stop sending me boxes.

[B]

I know. Just crap.

[A]

More boxes.

[B]

Just crap.

[A]

All right. So, Nate, you and your brother were snorting poppers. You kissed, he faint. That's how. That's how Nate woke him up, Dude. He was a little prince charming. Yeah. Kiss him on his lips. And he came back to life.

[C]

Kiss him on the center of his forehead, told him, I'm big bro.

[A]

Damn, you did handle it. I didn't like the way you were handling it. You were saying nasty things. Your brother, he just died once.

[C]

Once I knew he was okay. That's how I had to start.

[A]

He was sitting there coming back to life, and you were standing over him being like, you piece of. Yeah, you dumbass. Fainted. I didn't do that. Why you making me sound like that?

[C]

I was shaking my head at him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was like, give me that 25% of the company back, dude. You. Yeah, they went full diddy on his brother.

[A]

Baseball bat.

[C]

I. I had to take advantage of being big bro for one hour.

[A]

That was.

[E]

He's.

[C]

He's, like, older than me.

[A]

By enough that you couldn't handle the success. You immediately blacked out and rolled around. You're laying on this couch. You passed out. I grabbed you by the legs and pulled you as hard as I could.

[B]

Lost the check.

[A]

Immediately, Belly came, lost his paycheck from the show.

[C]

Well, I didn't forget that. Actually think about that every day.

[A]

Yeah, you got to get on that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But, no, I was shocked. We got back, and it was just, like, thinking everything was cool. And then all of a sudden, I looked over. You're on the couch, just like. Like a fish out of water, just floundering around. What the.

[A]

Flopping around. And everyone's going, nate, what are you doing? You're going, isn't this funny? We're like, no, dude, it's kind of embarrassing.

[B]

I mean, bro, in different entertainment circles, you would have gotten clapped.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You'd have gotten fully.

[C]

I knew I was in a safe space.

[A]

You could have been in the camera.

[B]

And facing you 10 years from now, you'd be like, I don't know what happened.

[A]

Could have clapped him.

[B]

Anyone could have clapped him.

[A]

Anyone could have. Anyone.

[B]

Anyone could have been a lady with a Strap on. Could have clapped you.

[C]

Well, I didn't get clapping, so that's a good.

[A]

Nice. I'd pay to watch that I'd be diddy, that I'd take ecstasy and watch you get clapped for three days straight days.

[B]

What were they taking that was making them clap?

[A]

I don't know. I take, I took any time I take any of those drugs, I'm like, I don't want to talk to anybody.

[B]

You want to clap, let alone clap.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Yeah, something like that.

[B]

Yeah, I like that one.

[A]

That's a good feature.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

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[B]

Haha.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Price fix. It's good to be right. What's up Alpha?

[B]

I do like how. I do like how did he like slowly you bring the male escort over. You let the male escort obviously or whatever, but then like how he slowly got involved is so funny. Just punishing her for liking it too much.

[A]

Good lord. Good. The most diabolical thing was if you haven't seen the doc go watch it.

[B]

Yeah, that's pretty great.

[A]

Most diabolical to me, obviously. Maybe killing Pac. Whatever.

[B]

Yeah, but pretty bad.

[A]

Making Biggie's family, the estate pay for the funeral and then dancing on the VMAs.

[B]

Oh, it is amazing though how he like right after that happened, he Became, like, truly. I mean, he was already obviously famous, but then he became, like, a real music superstar in his own right. And it's like watching that. Him dancing around on stage in all white.

[A]

Even as a kid, I was like, this guy sucks dick at dancing people. Like, he was a professional dancer. I was like, he's terrible. This is the worst dancer.

[B]

He's not a professional dancer.

[C]

Did y' all notice he stole the Rolling Stone cover from him, too, like, after he died. I need it now.

[B]

He had a business. He had a business to run. I get that. He had a business around. Things don't just stop.

[A]

Yeah, Gotta keep it moving, dude. And the clips of him and Ellen. What was that? That's like daytime television for, you know. I don't know. I don't. She's, like, grabbing his. She's like, what are you grabbing there? Your piece. Oh, yeah.

[B]

That was pretty.

[A]

Somebody's gotta do it. Yeah, that was freaks.

[B]

She left the country.

[C]

What?

[D]

Allegedly. She's in Europe or something like that.

[B]

Why'd you leave?

[A]

Because everybody said she was mean, so.

[B]

She had to go.

[C]

Trump got elected the second time she left.

[A]

Yeah, but that's an excuse. Everyone said she was mean.

[B]

Yeah, I heard she was just nasty. She got exiled for being a meanie.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Had to go back to Europe.

[A]

You gotta go back, dude. Your lineage ends here.

[B]

True.

[A]

Back to the old country. Start over, try again.

[B]

But you. How about you change your attitude and come back?

[A]

Yeah, don't be mean this time, Ellen.

[B]

I mean, how mean was she? I feel like so many people in the TV realm are probably pretty mean. Like, how mean are we talking? Can we get, like. Is there any, like, specific examples of, like, off memory?

[D]

I remember she was, like, sort of like a no eye contact in the hallway sort of boss. Like, don't look at me.

[B]

That's just Lesbian Alpha.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I see nothing wrong with that.

[D]

I'll look it up, see if I can find anything.

[B]

But.

[A]

Yeah, that's no eye contact in the hallway. That's fully acceptable. Yeah, we're. Oh, sexual misconduct.

[B]

Hold on now. What kind of. What's she doing?

[E]

I'm just. I just read the headline real fast. I'm sorry. March 20th. 20th during the quarantine.

[A]

Squid Twitter. Just puking. That's so crazy.

[B]

That's insane. What?

[A]

You adjust on your hands and knees in the bathroom.

[B]

Now you're on Ellen's ass.

[A]

Bend over. You bent down. You gotta get down there to puke.

[B]

Oh, you did hands on the hips.

[A]

He did a kimborita. I Went full teapot.

[B]

So, wait, so, okay, so Ellen only. No eye contact, which I totally fudgeing. Get. And possibly. I think we should instate here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Specifically during the podcast.

[A]

I don't like looking at you guys.

[B]

No eye contact in a meanie.

[D]

Yeah, that kind of sums it all up. Fear based environment. Producers allegedly being rude, dismissive or discriminatory, people getting fired or taking. For taking medical leave or bereavement leave. So basically just being a big.

[A]

Depends what type of bereavement.

[D]

Yeah, I guess.

[A]

In my opinion.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Sounds like he's like, my. My nana died. Like, how old was she? She's like 105.

[B]

Get in here.

[A]

Yeah, you're going to work.

[B]

Get in here. You're lucky to go to the funeral. Get in here.

[D]

Yeah, I remember Greg Fitzsimmons used to work for her. And he was like, yeah, she was nuts.

[B]

Fitz dog.

[D]

Yeah, allegedly. And there's a controversy about her DJ sheet. Did you ever see that guy?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

My mommy used to love Ellen, so I used to watch it a lot. And she had Twitch, who was a DJ who would dance with her and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And he committed suicide, I think, out of nowhere. And he had like a family. It was really sad stuff.

[B]

Yeah. So what do you. What do you. What are you saying? You seen.

[A]

Are you alluding to. Bullied him?

[D]

Yeah, I think Ellen, I don't know.

[B]

Think she found his car in Vegas and paid the south side Crips to take him out. I don't know. She might have never paid the Crips. How crazy is that? I was just thinking about that, how that is like. I mean, again, if all this is true, which, you know, a lot of the points do line up. It's like, that's the worst guy ever to not pay you and then just you afterwards. It's one thing not to get paid with stink, but then if he just starts like, you, I'd be like, dude, the man.

[A]

You mean like literally?

[B]

Yeah, like you. Yeah, literally you. After not paying you to be like, all right, I want to you.

[A]

Yeah, that dj. That DJ that was on the boat for a while. I don't know what happened to him, dude. He was getting drugged.

[B]

He's getting paid now. He said he was like. I went. I took this thing thinking I was going to get money to change my family's life. It's like, well, you might get it, man. That's determination. That's making the band.

[A]

That's. That is making the band.

[B]

That's making the band.

[A]

But I loved The Diddy voicemails to him were great. Dude, it's like, bro, I love you. Why the are you doing this? I'm gonna pay you. What the. Man, I remember you. You were so funny. We hung out. Somebody being like, can I get paid? The album's out.

[B]

Yeah, him and him and his. That was my favorite era is him and like post making the band when he was just 50. Just, like, still getting after it. It was really funny.

[A]

Yeah, he was. When he was dressed like the Joker, running around screaming at people. Yeah. You could. You could see something was. Something was coming down the pike on that one. It was a clear mental breakdown. Well, I mean, he's gonna get out and murder everybody.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

We can't, because everyone make documentaries and.

[A]

Prove he probably wants to kill himself. He's going to.

[B]

Dude, that. That, like, B roll of him, like, kind of present day. Apparently there's 140 hours of that stuff, so I think there's a lot more. That's. That's. That's what we were talking about.

[A]

What. What was the baby oil doing in the. Basically in the, like, the control room. Like, this is. Things are going bad.

[B]

It's the war room.

[A]

It was the war room. And it's like, don't forget ecstasy and baby oil. Just in case we have, like, a fun night during the trial.

[B]

I mean, once you get. Once you get the baby oils going, it's hard to, like, not. You kind of want that on deck. And God forbid, things go south. Let's get a good baby oil sesh with my grown son. I agree with that. That's the craziest to having your boy.

[A]

Bringing your boy into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, like, during that, when his. His son was like, we gotta do something. We gotta say something. He was like, God told me to be quiet. You do whatever you got to do.

[B]

I kind of respect that.

[A]

Just abandoning yourself. You know what you gotta do.

[B]

God told him to bring 14 jars of baby oil.

[A]

He said, there's a lotion of oil under my tub.

[B]

I've abandoned my boy. Yeah. I mean, that's the most. I can't think of a worst thing to come out about anybody. You think YouTube comedy docs are rough? Try getting 50 cent on your ass with some B roll, dude.

[A]

He's the ultimate. He's the ultimate dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You think that's right of it?

[B]

His style is actually very unoriginal. It's like, bro, whatever. After seeing the 50 Cent, I'm like, Man, I don't care.

[A]

Last thing you want is 50.

[B]

He killed everybody. All your favorite rappers. He killed those guys, didn't pay anyone, and raped everybody. And you're like, dude, this is just bad.

[A]

Murdering rapist.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Gay. You go, hold on a second. I'm not gay.

[B]

No. I like a lot in the documentary. A lot of times when he's like. When people are, like, complaining about him, he'll like, be like, man, he's just. It's just broke mindset. These are just broke mindsets. The guys you didn't pay and they have broke. It is broke.

[A]

Hey, them. What. What are they talking about?

[B]

That's what happens. You get so broke.

[A]

Nobody's gonna make that up. No dude is gonna be like, yeah. And then he me that one. You don't toss that one in.

[B]

No. That's crazy, bro. That's crazy. Apparently, the guy, like, you see the guy, he was talented.

[A]

It's a real accusation. Yeah, dude, you're a dude. A straight dude.

[B]

And then going, I don't even want to talk on the dock on.

[A]

I don't even want to talk.

[B]

I want to get into that. But going, I woke up and I was a little. That's exactly what a dude would say. I was just sore. I don't want to talk about it. It's like, man, man. But yeah, he is in for a rough one. He. He's already. They're already trying to, like, challenge, you know, they're probably trying to sue Netflix right now big time. Did his team. Who's his team.

[D]

Desist? Apparently, yeah.

[B]

Who is it? Dershowitz.

[D]

Well, apparently, he. His lawyer. That. Not, like, literally, but since he, like.

[A]

He definitely didn't pay his lawyers footage.

[D]

Like, kind of exposes the lawyer of, like, bad practice and stuff like that. Because there's, like, personal or, like, what were supposed to be private conversations that the guy was just filming the whole time. And 50. Put those in the.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Doc too.

[B]

Filming himself with his lawyers. Yeah. What the hell was that about?

[D]

I don't know, but it. A lawyer.

[A]

I heard.

[B]

Really?

[D]

On the Internet. Yeah. Apparently he's not too happy about it, I bet.

[B]

Dude also. Yeah, obviously. Dang, that sucks, man. Being a lawyer stinks. Because then, like, you're just. You're the guy advocating for the guy, and everyone's like, what a. Yeah. Because his dream team. He did have a nice dream team. I also. I also. I do respect being at trial and just looking at the jury and going, I know that.

[A]

And it works. That girl that was on there, the juror was like, dude, he's. Did he sick. He kept looking at me. We were making the same face. It was kind of fun.

[B]

That was funny. Like, we both made the same face. Like, what?

[A]

The girl who was, like, crying. That was like, I got kidnapped. And the whole jury was like.

[B]

They were just, like, broke mindset, Clearly.

[A]

Broke mindset.

[B]

It was a broke mind virus.

[A]

The broke mind virus got into the jury. The jury did not have the broke mind. They were paid to alphas.

[B]

He got the most. It was nothing. But the most extreme hustlers is the old Indian guy. They were in love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Classic story.

[A]

Shout out to Diddy's jury or his. His team of lawyers for jury selection being like, Pakistani immigrants. Get him the on, dude. He's not going to give a About that video of Cassie getting hit. Like, she shouldn't have left the room. How could she leave?

[B]

He was in the middle of a bath. Never leave your husband while he bathes.

[A]

There are many oils. Oh, there were many oils in his house. Some of the finest oils. Yeah, they. They would have stacked that jury with 12 angry Indians. The Indian dudes just fully like, free Diddy. He's totally innocent. Dude. What? He hit a couple girl.

[B]

I know. They were in love, and they did crazy things. And he was also like, and if you cannot take all the glitz and glamour and take it one way or the other, she could leave. It's like he literally kidnapped his assistant. Like, I'll kill her if you don't come outside.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah. The. The one thing that really kind of rocked my socks is when the assistant was like, yeah, I saw this up, but I didn't want to say anything. Just like, for the culture. And I'm like, what the Are you.

[A]

For the culture?

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

You guys, we have representatives of the culture here. Would you guys like to speak on the culture? Scared to reach for it.

[D]

I will.

[A]

Yes. For the culture.

[C]

Dude, I don't got nothing to say.

[A]

You got kidnapped at gunpoint and to try to murder Kid Cudi. You didn't want to tell anybody. For the culture.

[C]

That was that lady. She did it for the bag.

[B]

You think it was a bag? Yeah, that's what I was.

[A]

A lot of money.

[B]

It was just the craziest excuse to be like, yeah, I did see him beat the. Out of his girlfriend. He kidnapped me. But it's like, you know, just like, overall, for the culture. It's like, what? You're not gonna tell about the murderous rapist?

[C]

That didn't feel like a real sense. That felt like, like, yeah. Then like, maybe for the culture.

[B]

You think Capricorn was capping True half, dude. I can't believe a single thing she said. That cracked me up, though. I was like, what the is that? What are you. What are you talking about? Every time I hear that, I'm like, dude, what are you saying? What the hell are you saying?

[A]

It's truly like. It's crazy.

[B]

It's insanity. It's pure insanity.

[A]

It's very funny.

[B]

Obviously, it's for the culture. It's like, what. What are you talking about?

[A]

White people have to start holding that down. Next time there's like a white collar crime like Enron, just be like, dude, we couldn't. It's for the culture, bro.

[B]

The culture.

[A]

I knew there was insider trading. I knew they were doing all this, but for the cult, bro.

[B]

But yeah, we. We did loan Zambibia $7 million at 4,000% interest.

[A]

Where the are you from? Zambia.

[B]

But, yeah, man, it's. It's rough, man. A lot of the OG black entertainers, it's. The line is drawn in the sand. The dude's coming out to, like, speak up. Up for Diddy or just getting absolutely destroyed. I would never want beef of 57, man. I just don't. I just don't want it because they're coming out and they're going like, obviously, it's clearly.

[A]

And just.

[B]

They're getting destroyed. It's like the worst thing they could possibly. Why would they speak up for him right now? Are they on? That's my thing. Are they on camp?

[A]

Tony A was at the Mothership on Tuesday.

[D]

He's doing like a press tour. He's doing like.

[A]

I don't know. He was at the. He was at the Mothership. Yeah, obviously he's Tony.

[B]

Yeah, but not Young Buck. They've been Young Buck and they've been beefing with Young Buck.

[E]

Yeah, but.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So what is Matt's hip hop corner? Gather round now, y'.

[D]

All.

[C]

Over, like, trans stuff.

[B]

Young Buck, though. Yeah, that was one of the allegations.

[A]

Also, the thing is this. Every one of these, like, hip hop beefs is purely Internet speculation. Yeah, it's very fun to just be like, wasn't it over trans stuff and somebody was gay?

[B]

What? But that usually kind of is part of it.

[A]

Unfortunately, it is coming out that it is mostly that.

[B]

So. But yeah, that documentary, man, that was great. I. Yeah, very well done. When actually when you start it up and you're going to. How the. Did he get this video? Still, there's. People are Trying to get the source. People are trying to figure out who it was, and, you know, they're getting close.

[A]

But who the videographer was.

[B]

Videographer was.

[A]

He's in trouble.

[B]

I don't think so, bro.

[A]

He's gonna get shot.

[B]

You think he's gonna get shot?

[A]

Yeah, but Diddy is gonna kill everyone.

[B]

But he doesn't pay anybody. It's in the thing being like, doesn't matter. Yeah, true.

[A]

He never cared about. He'll kill you.

[B]

Yeah, true. Although he has to hire henchmen. Where's gonna get the henchmen now?

[A]

The henchmen are gonna go like they always have. Be like, he said, he's gonna give me a million bucks.

[B]

True, true.

[A]

He didn't pay me.

[B]

Yeah. The henchmen afterwards.

[A]

I'm not gonna tell him, though, because the culture.

[B]

Yeah, true. If the henchmen. If it was true, their story that they, like, killed Tupac and then sat right outside, watch the ambulance pull up, and then just went and smoked weed and partied. It's wild.

[E]

They were bad henchmen, you know?

[A]

They're the best henchmen ever.

[E]

It was because of Diddy. It wasn't. The guy's in jail. The guy was in jail for something else, though. Like, the guy.

[B]

Yeah, but, dude, they're henchmen. They're fucking killing people and just chilling outside. I know. They killed it.

[E]

When you're a henchman and you don't get your money, you got to go kill the boss.

[B]

Yeah, but who do you think is going to sit around and kill somebody in Las Vegas for you just like that? It's not going to be like, a day. It's not John Wick. These guys are fucking very, you know, they're making bad choices all the time. Yeah, These guys are making terrible choices.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And they got away. They did a good job. As far as henchmen go, I think Diddy made.

[E]

They're like, you only got Pac, so you only get half.

[B]

And then he didn't even. But, yeah, true. That was fair on it. The deal was both.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So deal was both.

[A]

BofA. What's up?

[B]

The holidays are basically one long combo of eating too much, drinking too often, and not moving at all. It's fun, but your system ends up taking a hit.

[A]

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[B]

Let me see. Please discuss your experience with over indulging.

[A]

Man, what's your body what's your body trying to tell you after your third party in a row?

[B]

I mean, I don't. It depends on what kind of overindulging we're talking. Are we talking food? Are we talking sex?

[A]

I can tell you exactly. My mind's telling me no, but my body no I, I, I've dose is good. It tastes good.

[B]

Good for sure.

[A]

Yeah. That's it.

[B]

Love that stuff.

[A]

That's all you need to say about that.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Guys? Please come. I'll be at the Springfield Comedy club in Springfield, Missouri this weekend. 1212, 1213. It's gonna be good there.

[A]

You got some good openers?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I got the mies, man, the M, I got the me.

[A]

They're gonna see the M's too.

[B]

Yep, the me's in the flesh. Syracuse, New York. I'll be there 1219, 1220. The funny bone. And then go to mattmcusker.com I'm gonna do a bunch of shows come January 16th all over the country. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. If you're in Philly, buy tickets to the show at the Link. And you should do that. There's gonna be some very good special guests. The ticket will be worth it. Even if I suck because it's in a stadium. The show's gonna be worth it. Thank you. Oh, Lamar.

[B]

Sure.

[E]

Hey, everybody, it's me.

[A]

Why don't you promise to the camera you're gonna stop drinking and driving?

[E]

I. I promise.

[A]

Yeah, dude. All right, go ahead about your fucking bullshit.

[E]

I do promise. December 17th in Alban, New York, please come out. I'll be there. And also January 15th at the Helium Alpharetta. Please come. And Optimum Noctis, December 16th. Actually, they've been really fun recently. They've been a hoot.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Do you ever find yourself spending money on something totally insane, overspending by accident? Or do you ever get the impulse to buy something just as soon as you see an ad for it? Or maybe you get the feeling that money is just disappearing out of your account and you're not sure how because of subscriptions you may have forgotten about. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. And if you've got something you'd like to save for, Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside and automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending.

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[F]

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[B]

That is pretty wild. I always wondered though, why didn't Suge Knight then try to kill Diddy? You know what I mean? If it was definitely him and he was in the car, he saw the gunman. So I was curious why Suge Knight didn't try to kill, did it? No, he didn't.

[D]

He's in jail right now.

[B]

Suge Knight's in jail.

[A]

I think he's maybe ran over that guy. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I watched a weird like. Like one of the Sean Blazington type videos of them interviewing Suge Knight and he was corroborating everything that 50 was saying.

[B]

Really?

[D]

He's really skinny now though. They're. I mean, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't talk about this, but what the hell.

[B]

We think you're gonna get touched.

[D]

The culture is speculating that he has like in autoimmune deficiency type deal.

[B]

He might. What the hell? What the crazy conspiracy. He probably does. Oh, you're saying like autoimmune, sugar's aids.

[D]

That's what the culture was saying in the YouTube video that I watched.

[A]

I don't like that.

[D]

I Don't like it. I'm just. I don't know why I even brought it up.

[A]

I don't like talking about that.

[B]

But him having aids potentially.

[D]

Yeah, I don't even really want to talk about.

[A]

Oh, you thought.

[B]

You thought he might have been.

[A]

You're afraid sugar's gonna get you. Sean Gardini. Sean Gardini.

[C]

You have to be scared. This sugar's gonna get you.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not saying it. I'm saying Sean Gardini is saying that on a pretty massive platform. Yeah, you're gonna. No, I'm not.

[D]

Well, I'm not gonna say with the streets.

[B]

You got your ear to the street. The streets?

[D]

Yeah, the streets are talking. I'm not.

[B]

You know, you could just be like jailhouse Ozempic.

[D]

Yeah, it could be, because we could just. Good diet and exercise.

[B]

True.

[E]

Allegedly.

[A]

That's.

[D]

This is all alleged.

[A]

These are all alleged rumors.

[B]

We need that documentary, Lamar. You gotta spearhead that. Doc, how did these ease get aids?

[A]

Straight out of conflict documentary. He's puking.

[B]

I think Ramare has a.

[C]

No, not yet.

[B]

Do people even get AIDS anymore? People still get it, I guess.

[E]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

But it's totally manageable from what I heard. Yeah, like, I've had it now for like 10 years.

[A]

I catch it. I catch it every. Right around when the seasons change.

[B]

I got it once.

[A]

I got.

[B]

Once I got my third booster. I got hiv.

[A]

It wasn't a big deal.

[B]

It wasn't a huge deal at all.

[A]

Just kidding.

[B]

Anyway.

[A]

Oh, there's a lot of college football drama. Enough of Matt's hip hop corner. Now it's time for Shane's sports corner. We've covered the culture, now it's time to cover it. Sports. No name got butt. Not a big deal. No name got diddied in front of everybody, and that's fine. We got diddlered about as hard as it gets.

[B]

Who done it?

[A]

It's a committee. There's a committee. They. They. They lied on us for weeks. They lied on us. They put us. They ranked us ahead of Miami and Alabama for weeks and weeks. And then both teams not playing, they go, man, they're better. Wait a second. Now, look, I'll give them Bama or excuse me, I'll give them Miami, because Miami, they both went 10 and two and Miami beat them. Granted, it was week zero. It was in August, and Notre Dame starting a freshman quarterback for the first time on the road, and they lost by a field goal with one minute left.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Still they played the game and they Lost.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Give us the 1993 title. Now we get the 93 title if that's how we're doing it. But then Miami proceeds to lose to SMU and Louisville, who are fair to Midland. Quality, but fair to Midland. Those are not great losses. Notre dame rattles off 10 straight wins by an average of 30 points a game. Killed everybody the rest of the year. But push comes to shove, they give it to the head to head winner, which I can. I was all for Miami getting in over Notre Dame in that scenario, But Bama is 9 and 2 or 10 and two going into the conference championship game. Now, the logic is you shouldn't be punished for playing a conference championship game. It's an extra game against Georgia, who's one of the best teams.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you get killed in the conference championship game. You get killed. You lose 28 to 7 with negative 3 rushing yards total. You get bullied. Yeah, don't move. Don't drop a single rank. You stay above no day. Come on now.

[B]

It's.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

But it's just the.

[B]

That's drama and people are people kind of like gloating, send you nasty stuff.

[A]

Obviously I'm still receiving nasty messages non stop. No name. You, you. And that's fine.

[B]

What does it affect, though? It's just the standings.

[A]

Well, that knocked Notre Dame out of the playoffs. What? Miami and Alabama. Miami and Alabama got in. No names out.

[B]

That's. Bro.

[A]

It hurt, bro. I woke up that morning going, no, they might win a national championship. Oh, dude. Watched. It's a live show that they unveil the rankings and who's in. And everybody's like, oh, like. Because all the ESPN announcers the whole time, they're like, no name should be out. They've advocated against Notre Dame. So I'm like getting a little worried. I'm like, they're gonna us. Then I check the Vegas odds and no names a lock. Like, all right, so Vegas thinks no names in. I'm confident.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No name gets what. So I go from thinking, we got a chance this year. We got a lot of talent, we could compete for a title. Then later that day, they declined to even play in a bowl game. And the season's just over. No name's done.

[B]

Why don't they play the ball game?

[A]

It's a good question, Matt. But I like it. I like their decision.

[B]

They fuck you guys.

[A]

Yeah, they were like you guys then. Because it would have made ESPN and the ACC money and both of them campaigned against note.

[B]

Yeah, let him feel the pain.

[A]

Also, half our team was going to sit out because it's a meaningless. It was. They were like, all right, you can't win a national title, but you can play in the Pop Dart bowl in Orlando. You.

[B]

How are they looking next year? I mean, I'm already thinking next year.

[A]

They'Re gonna be nasty, brother.

[B]

They're gonna be fine. And they got a chip on the show.

[A]

And guess who's coming to town next season? Miami. Oh, we're gonna them up, dude. I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun one.

[B]

Yeah, dude. I kind of like them getting snubbed and having a little chip on their show.

[A]

I do, too. But the thing that hurts is we'll never get to see Jeremiah Love run the rock for the Irish again.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

Devastating. I thought I'd get a few more games out.

[B]

Who do they got? Who do they got? Like, what's. They're a young team, aren't they?

[A]

They are, but we lose, we'll. We'll be all right. Transfers and the recruiting classes, the last couple years have been pretty nasty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This year's. Oh, I'm so excited to see these young boys play football. True.

[B]

You know, I'm sorry that happened. That sucks.

[A]

Yeah. It was a devastating day.

[B]

That's.

[A]

And then the Eagles lost in embarrassing fashion again.

[B]

Forget that. Bears lost for the packers, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was rooting the Bears on them. I understand.

[A]

I understand. Rooting for the Bears, my number two team. You gotta support the Bears especially, versus the Packs, especially. Like those just consistent basement dwellers finally being good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

True. That's fun, dude. See the Lions come out of the basement, you go, look at you boys. Be like, if the Browns were good, you go, yeah, yeah. But more importantly, Michigan's head coach.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just got fired yesterday. For what? Originally, it was for cause. So on the contract, you can get fired and not get, like. If you have a cause to get fired. Okay, so the initial statement is for cause.

[B]

That's general.

[A]

Then you go, what did he do? He was banging a couple of the female, like, recruiting assistants, bro. And, yeah, there's some nasty footage out there. Really? Him, like, standing next to her before a game. Like, apparently a text that came out that was just like, yo, come give me a head. Oh, now that one. I don't know how valid that is. But then he got detained by the cops.

[B]

What?

[A]

Allegedly.

[B]

For what?

[A]

I don't know. I think he went to somebody's house and I think he threatened. I think he threatened to exit this word The. The earth, you know. Whoa. Publicly, I think he said, you want to ruin my life.

[B]

Yeah. Respectable power move, obviously.

[A]

Now, those are alleged allegations.

[B]

That is a. I mean, it's respectable if you're wild out that hard. And then it's like everything.

[A]

I'm guessing a wife and kids. So that's where it's like.

[B]

I'd imagine that that's kind of the last move. Move to be like, I'll kill myself, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God forbid. I had a little bit of fun. Now you want to ruin my whole life. I'm going to kill myself. And it's your fault.

[A]

The thing we gotta find out, because this classic dirty mission. Classic dirty Michigan. Yeah. Did they know that this happened? Because somebody tweeted about it, like, two weeks ago.

[B]

Little Sandusky Joe pie.

[A]

Somebody said, I know what. Sharon's getting fired. And this is why. And everybody ignored. Now, the reason they would ignore it is so they could sign the recruiting class that they already had committed and then go, actually, that guy's just come back. He's out. But you got signed. You got to play for Michigan. They tried. They tricked high school kids on top of their coach being a dirt bag. And I, you know, Dirt bag strong. But, yeah, it's getting a little head. Come on, Boyles.

[B]

I mean, although that kind of.

[A]

Dude, I can't. Come on, man.

[B]

That stuff boils down to the team, though. If you're in such a leadership position, you can't be out here wowing out like that.

[A]

Lemaire, could you do some research? Is their quarterback transferring? Yeah. Underwood.

[B]

I feel like, as a. If I were the coach, college program, I'd be like, guys, I'm not going to come this entire season unless we win the championship. Yeah.

[A]

And which is what? They had their last coach, their national champion coach, Jim Harbaugh.

[B]

Yeah. Just a beast.

[A]

Full blown autist, really. He would never come like that.

[B]

No, you can't.

[A]

He'd literally be like, what? What are you talking about? Yeah. I feel like for the drinking milk dude, that's. He drinks milk. He doesn't. He takes his shirt off to play 7 on 7.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

With high school kids. He wore khakis, shirtless and played seven on seven. He's the. Jim Harval is the man.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like as a coach, you can't try to be out here getting and be cool, dude. You got to be totally focused on the game.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I mean, players obviously should be, too, but when I hear about coaches trying to get. I'm like, dude, knock it off, man.

[A]

Wait till you find out about Lane Kiffin.

[B]

What's up with him?

[A]

Badmine boys are really bad. He's not afraid to talk to college girls while being the head coach at Ole Miss.

[B]

Can't do it, man.

[A]

Which. Can you blame him, bro? Can you imagine sorority girls from Ole Miss?

[B]

So are they trying to take down the coach like that?

[A]

Yeah, well, the only reason they're taking down Lane Kiffin now is because he left to take the LSU job from Ole Miss, which his team has one loss, and they're going to the playoffs. And he still quit the whole sports, just.

[B]

Yeah. What the hell's going on?

[A]

Money. Yeah, Money changed the sport entirely.

[B]

Damn, These guys are superstars now.

[A]

They're all stars. Players, coaches. They're all. It's strictly business. Yeah, Brian Kelly taught us that at Notre Dame. Dude, we've been burned before.

[B]

True.

[A]

But we got dittied. We. We hired him after he. He made. He took Cincinnati from, like. Like, Cincinnati. Took him to a Sugar bowl, like, undefeated. And then he quit before the bowl to take the Notre Dame job. Abandoned his team before the biggest game in school history.

[B]

Kind of crazy, man.

[A]

It was kind of the right move because they were playing Florida and they were definitely gonna get butt. I went undefeated. You guys lost, and I got 30 mil. So.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, couldn't they just let him play that one last game?

[A]

Sometimes they do that.

[E]

But.

[B]

Yeah, or they're like, we need you. Hurry up. Yeah, get over here.

[A]

And when Kiffin left, he took a lot of the staff, too. Ole Miss lost, like, the coaching staff.

[B]

Dang. I didn't know. So much drama going down.

[A]

A lot of drama.

[B]

I still think with all the apps now, that you have to, like, if you want to watch a sport. It's like, does YouTube TV cover, like, every sport thing, or is there still teams where it's like, you got to pay a monthly.

[A]

It depends. If you're. If you're Notre Dame and you're a national brand and everyone loves you, you can be on P tv.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

No, they cover the big games. Yeah.

[B]

I feel like the gambling apps, the least they can do is pull together some money and just stream every game for free. Of course that's what they should do. That would be the right thing. Right?

[A]

I saw that at a bar. Which is the smartest thing I've seen was one of those, like, FanDuel or DraftKings or one of those. Had a TV network, and it was showing, like, Serbian basketball at, like, 3am.

[B]

It'S the least they can.

[A]

That's what you. First off. You're gonna make so much money.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

Get the rights to Japanese baseball.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And just show it at 3am when everyone's drunk, especially.

[B]

I think that's the least they can do. Especially after, like, you know, the guy who was on the app for six months lost everything. Punch. His wife's in jail. He should at least be able to.

[A]

Watch sports in jail. He should be, like, sponsored by. I wish I could be gambling on this. Wife said I'm not allowed.

[B]

But at least they're streaming every game for free. Free.

[A]

Which.

[B]

Because that's what I've been hearing. It's like a pain in the ass. Like, where's the game on? Like, oh, you need this thing.

[A]

You gotta go to this app.

[B]

And it's like.

[A]

Like certain sports, like baseball, especially here in Texas, where it's like, you can't get local.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I had to buy the baseball thing to watch the Phillies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nate had to buy the league pass to watch the 76ers, who are still fun. That Lakers game. The Lakers game. Look, I hate to. Hate to lose, but watching LeBron have fun.

[C]

Watching LeBron.

[A]

Watching LeBron have fun. Yeah.

[C]

The only thing I did like is the crowd was so hyped for LeBron. At the same time, like, you get.

[A]

To watch LeBron hoop one last. When he would dunk, I was like, oh, still got it.

[B]

How long he's been playing? How long has he been in the league now?

[C]

Has to be like, 21. 21 years. 22 years.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I was in, like, we were kids.

[A]

Yeah, we were kids.

[B]

Jesus Christ. That's crazy.

[C]

He's played against, like, players and their dads. Like, he's been in the league so long, he's played against dads that now have John 30.

[A]

On generations.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's dunked on different generations.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's kind of a man.

[B]

What do you do to Stoudemires?

[A]

He's Thanos, dude. He killed the Stoudemires.

[E]

He just.

[A]

The hardaways. Everyone's getting whole family lines, getting white.

[E]

The Currys are next.

[B]

I'm rooting for LeBron's son. Everyone was hating on him, kind of rooting for him.

[A]

Oh, you know, I'm rooting for Shador.

[B]

Are you really? Is he turning around?

[A]

I. I started cheerful when he dropped in the draft.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Be fun to see him do well. And unfortunately got sent to the Browns, where.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're never gonna. Every quarterback that's ever been sent there just Dies.

[B]

True.

[A]

But he played all right. He's doing all right.

[B]

Is he really?

[A]

He's starting now. The rest of the season.

[B]

It's kind of sick.

[A]

Yeah. I hope he does well. Also, Dion kind of shut the up a little this year.

[B]

He chilled out.

[A]

I think his team sucked. What's Colorado do with mayor. What was Colorado football's record?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Bryce Underwood, transfer from Michigan.

[E]

They're saying. It looks like it didn't like confirming, but it certainly.

[B]

Yeah, you don't. You don't really hear much about the Buffalo. That was a big. That was a big news.

[A]

They were. And then they. The Buffaloes never really did a single thing, so they kind of had to. To move on.

[B]

Yeah. That was kind of.

[A]

They were just stoking racial division. It's hard. That was crazy.

[B]

Just for the check for 20, 24.

[E]

Dude, they were 3 and 9 this year.

[A]

They were 3 and 9. Yeah. I had a feeling because Neon was awfully quiet.

[B]

So they didn't change.

[A]

Time to take the humble approach.

[B]

Didn't change the game after all. That was. There was like posing it like it was like a sports revolution that was going to change the game. Yeah, they.

[A]

They had a black coach. It's the first time in the history of football. That's crazy. Other than Notre Dame, but whatever. Maybe he's not a dick, but. Yeah, that's another one. Like I would on them. And then you look into how nasty Dion was and it's like, I understand why he's insane.

[B]

Yeah. Every.

[A]

He deserves to be insane. He was like the greatest dude.

[B]

Every time we played backyard football, it'd just be 12 kids pretending to be Neon Dion.

[A]

Every time in the high step.

[B]

Yeah, the whole time.

[A]

Yeah, high step, little shuffle when you score.

[B]

The whole time. Yeah. That's good sports talk, though. It's a lot going on.

[A]

I've been hitting you with like the girl version of sports talk, you know, I mean, I'm giving you the drama. We're not talking ball. We're talking off field issues. We're talking.

[B]

You know, I love the narrative.

[A]

You gotta see your boy, Kiffin.

[B]

What'd you have to.

[A]

Just the. The text. The girls are. Can't obviously. Dude, if you talk to college girls, they're gonna post it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And they take. They would. Like, one girl would hold her Snapchat and the other girl would take a picture of it and be Kiff and be like, don't tell your boyfriend about this. Haha. Come over to my house. It's like, dude, you. You're a high school a college kid.

[B]

I know dude.

[A]

Evil. I know some poor kid is a fan of yours. It's a fan of the school. He's going to the games like slides.

[B]

Come on Old miss slides the visor backwards. Time for a blow job. Yeah. I just don't like the idea of coaches getting a bunch of posts from Kyle. It's just bothers me. Bothers me deeply.

[A]

It should. Dude, you're a Harbaugh man. True. You would love Jim Harl.

[B]

I really like the as much as.

[A]

I talk on Michigan Har balls, man. Yeah, I. I just they cheated but awesome.

[B]

True.

[A]

I wish. I wish no name would cheat. I don't give a cheat win please.

[B]

True. Thanks for forgiving us later.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Oh yeah. Last minute shopping for gifts is the worst. The shelves have been picked clean and really, if you've been putting it off this long, there's a good chance you have no idea what they even want. You know, every year.

[B]

Oh yeah, I should.

[A]

Matt, before you do anything, I just need you to riff for me, Daddy. Riff on something about aura frames for me, Daddy.

[B]

No, I like to. I like to give them to my mom. I've told you this before. I like to give them my mom, me, my brother, sisters, pictures of us as babies in the bathtub. Then I have some ones from us when we were like a little older in the bathtub. And we're actually recreating the whole family in the bathtub.

[A]

I'm need to get a copy of that. Yeah, I need a copy of that.

[B]

Cousins and all. We're all going to get in there and just do like different shots. Kind of like a calendar situation. So just us, our children, all of us in the bathtub.

[A]

James is doing that with his daddy. James's dad are getting in the splish splash. They will take it away. Save yourself the stress and get them a personal gift that doesn't scream last minute. An aura digital picture frame. Can you imagine? Matt, I need you to riff again, dude. Riff for me, Daddy. This is another riff about the aura frame.

[B]

Oh, man. The one thing I really like about it, man, we have a couple. We got them all through our house. We got aura frames everywhere. And I have a picture of myself for my eyes. It's like a portrait, but my eyes actually move.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Some people come by, I go and I go, got you.

[A]

You know, everybody that comes in.

[B]

That'S something. That's a fun.

[A]

That's a fun thing you can do. And it comes in a premium gift box so you don't even have to worry about wrapping it.

[B]

Think about that.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah. That's dang. That's crazy, man. Who do you got for the NFL winning the stupid bowl?

[A]

The Birds. The Birds are gonna come back. I know it. I know it. I know we're gonna come back.

[B]

Are they even in like the wild card, Ronnie?

[A]

Yeah, they're still top of the division.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But they're sliding.

[B]

Yeah. What the hell?

[A]

I just lost three straight.

[B]

Do you think it was.

[A]

And that means they lost five of the last seven, right? Because it was two losses, then two wins, then three losses.

[B]

It's not too late to turn on the jets, but I don't know, man. I think it's just the.

[A]

They looked all right in the loss. I don't mean to make an excuse. A lot of turnovers. A lot of unfortunate turnovers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A.J. brown. Yeah, but he's. He had a game and, And Saquon looked good. They're finally. They. They could run the ball a little. Let's get some designed runs to Jalen. Hurts.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the point of having him stand back there and throw? Let's use his legs a little, dude. You know what I mean?

[B]

I'm not against you on that.

[A]

Let's get a designed run.

[B]

Don't you think though, it's a little just like post super bowl curse. It's got to be hard to play this after. Especially now you're partying up after winning.

[A]

The big Super Bowl.

[B]

I think I, I already wrote off this season after they won the Super Bowl. I was like, they're not going to do very well. You gotta. You gotta let them taste. Gotta let them taste the pain and then maybe they'll come back again because I didn't want to, you know, deflate your guys spirits. But that's why you guys cheering for the Birds. I'm like, guys, this is not their year. I knew, I knew going in the season.

[A]

No, it is a true thing that it's. It's very difficult to repeat.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

A lot of teams don't make the playoffs after they win.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know how you would. It'd be impossible. I would still be celebrating like three years later. I would never shut up about it. Every play I'd be sacked. 15 yard loss. But yeah, last year, the whole thing, it was so sick.

[A]

Get a ring. I would wear my ring. Anybody tackled me, I go, dude, you'll never win. I haven't. It's already over. I'm done.

[B]

Like, dude, I already cashed in. I'm done.

[A]

It's also funny getting hit really hard. Like, yeah, whatever.

[B]

Well, even with like, Kelse, it's like, dude, him and his brother have a bazillion dollar podcast.

[A]

I think Kelsey's having a good year though. He had a rough game this week.

[B]

I'm sure he's good, but it's like, you wouldn't catch me going across the middle ball a little bit high across the middle. But yeah, I got a million dollar podcast to do one day.

[A]

I'm not going for that.

[B]

I'm gonna talk about. I'm gonna sell toilet paper and I'm not doing this. Getting crushed across the middle by a young, hungry middle linebacker. Like, yeah, I'm good. You can have that. I'm. I'm also married to Taylor Swift.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't have to catch that ball. Yeah, I'm gonna get someone.

[A]

I'll be on the moon.

[B]

Pay someone to catch that for me, bro. Yeah, he's got that long money now, now. True. I'm gonna h. I'm gonna hire a tight end of my own. Put them out there.

[D]

Chill.

[A]

You should be able to do that. Should be like the draft in the civil war. You should be like 300 bucks. I can send someone else out.

[B]

I know what I always want people to do. Just all the young people out there working. It's like, I don't understand why people don't do this. If you have a remote job, from my understanding, it doesn't take up that much of your time. Like, it doesn't take. It's not like a 40 hour non stop thing. You're at your house, you're kind of answering emails. Apply for three or four remote jobs, get all of them and then outsource it all to dudes in like Pakistan. Do like data entry, some like easy, dumb and then just get like three salaries at once. Get like three like modest salaries and.

[A]

Then just hire dude warehouse in.

[B]

Yeah, you can hire dudes on fiverr and give them you can get 30 bucks an hour and pay dudes 10 and just have like four salary jobs.

[A]

And just boss up the future of probably what dudes were doing with, like, contracts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Being like, yeah, I'll sign this contract to redo your porch.

[B]

Yeah. You sub it out and go, I'm.

[A]

Going to Home Depot right now and be like, boys, I'll give you 10 bucks. Go build that porch.

[B]

I know. That's what I'm saying, but nobody subs out white collar. You never hear about an employee subbing out. Yeah, they got that. They got the broke mind virus, dude.

[A]

They do. It's the broke mind.

[B]

All they know is to sit in their sweatpants in their house like, oh, I don't feel like going on this.

[A]

Zoom was like, hold on a second.

[E]

There's.

[A]

That's not the broke. My virus. That's what I'm doing right now. Sitting in sweatpants going, I don't feel like going on TV or the zoom.

[B]

Yeah, but just whale out. Just blank screen guy from Nepal. Just be like, yes, buddy. Sorry, guys, I have a cold. Excuse my. My accent. Like, yes, buddy, very good.

[A]

Just.

[B]

You're talking to four Indian guys.

[A]

That's a nice squad.

[B]

Just like, chorus like, yes. Okay, that'd be awesome. But guys, I'm actually working remote. I'm in Kabula right now. Forgive my Internet connection. Yeah, that's a great idea, man. I'm telling you. I wish. I wish people would do that. I would do that right now. If I'd get a job again, I would. I would just get nine jobs. I'd apply for nine jobs, get as many as I can. Completely lie on your resume. As hard.

[A]

You have a company, dude, at that point, yeah, you'd be the boss.

[B]

Be the boss. You'd be an employee, but the boss. You'd be the secret boss.

[A]

Also, it's so easy to get those jobs. Just be like, find like a local. Especially if you're in like a shitty town, just where people are kind of, you know, you just go to like a car dealership and be like, I'll be the social media manager, dude. Done.

[B]

Any data entry job, Just go to.

[A]

Any, any shitty company and go, I'll be your social media manager. You gotta hire an Indian to post on Facebook once a week.

[B]

Piece of cake.

[A]

Five grand a month.

[B]

True.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

True. That's all you gotta do. That's my. That's my. That's the business corner. We did the sports corner.

[A]

Now we're now back to business. Now what is this? The Money channel.

[B]

But. Oh, man. Bench, dude. I did a Last two nights ago, I got to go to my kids, like, Christmas concert for the school.

[A]

Dude must have rocked.

[B]

It was so awesome. It's also funny because you're up at all. Yeah, big time. I was, like, laughing, seeing the little angels, dude, especially. Yeah. My. The. My. The youngest went up, too, and she was, like, facing the wrong way the whole. I don't know how I was facing sideways. Turn around, dude. I was.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

I was dying because all the kids are. They take it all very seriously.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I just watched my daughter just, like, turn around. She would start, like, poking people next to her and then, like, like a part of the song. She knew it. And she would turn around, put her hands here and be like, sing it as loud as you could. But it was funny because as the kids get older, you know, like kindergarten, it's still boys and girls going pretty hard. Once you hit, like, second, third grade, you can see the boys start being like, I don't want to do this anymore. And the girls carry the performance so hard. It's. The boys are like. They had to clap and move a little bit. And you see the girls just, like, belting it out. The dudes are just existing, being like, come on, man.

[A]

Let me.

[B]

The.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's so funny watching that as the years progress to where dudes just immediately are like, I'm not doing this. Girls really take that so seriously. They never stop taking that kind of seriously. If you were to get, like, eight women right now, like, yo, you guys got to make up a dance and put on a song. They'd be like, okay. It would be so serious.

[A]

It's gonna look like.

[B]

But it was. It was really funny taking me. It was taking me back to grade school. When you just sit up there and you're like, God damn it. I feel so weird. My brother's out there laughing at me.

[A]

Me right now. I got. Every year on that. Every year, I'd be like, I'm going to get a good role in this. They put me in the back. The tableau. Was it. What was it called? The, like, where you do the nativity scene?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Isn't the tableau.

[B]

I don't know if it's called the tableau.

[A]

It's called something.

[B]

It could be.

[A]

It's. It's going to be tough to Google it.

[B]

I always wanted to be a shepherd or a wise man.

[A]

I. I got shepherd one and I got a. Hold a banner and go like this. Just shake a banner.

[B]

What Were you aiming for, like, Joseph?

[A]

I could have got Joseph.

[B]

Joseph.

[A]

I could have got Baby J.

[B]

Baby J would have been.

[A]

I could have laid down and got it.

[B]

Just rise up and go on and just skip forward and start attacking the Juice. They're here. Get them. You will not turn my father's temple. But, yeah, man, that was. The concert was sick. It was really funny watching.

[A]

You told me you're doing that, and I was like, damn, that's gonna be nice.

[B]

Oh, so nice, dude. Yeah, this one, like, dude, Maya takes it so seriously. We have. I have video footage.

[A]

Tableau. It's in there. Because that was a big. That was a big moment because we had a play. We had to play for all the kids that could be nice and act and be good. And then all the shitty kids were in the tableau where all you have to do is stand there for, like, five seconds and pretend to be the Nativity.

[B]

Yeah. But then did you get to hold a cane as a shepherd?

[A]

I got to. To hold a cane one year, and then the next year, I literally just stood behind everyone and shook a banner back and forth. My parents said to be like, this kid's a bum already. He's loser. There's 20 kids in his class.

[B]

He got last.

[A]

He got the last job.

[B]

I've told this before. We had to do a play. And. And I immediately. It was like, I was so older brother pill that I was like, that dude being in any place gay. I'm stage crew.

[A]

Well, that's what. That's how it. That's what happened. I got in there, and you're, like, supposed to audition. I was like, I'm not gonna do this. I'm gonna make fun of this. Then you get the back of the play. I'm holding the banner gun. That guy looks cool as dude. He got to play Joseph. And the girl I liked played Mary.

[B]

That was always.

[A]

She looked hot as. As Mary.

[B]

Why? Why is it always. How do they know the hottest chick every time and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or the mate. Did you guys do a May procession?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

We did this thing around. It's actually kind of pagan, now that I think about it. But in our Catholic school, we would do this thing where it was, like, around May. The hottest chick would be Mary. Basically, we would all take the May Queen.

[A]

Wow. So we would all, like, follow pagan.

[B]

Dude, it is kind of pagan, bro.

[A]

Fully pagan.

[B]

It's very pagan. But we'd have the May Queen, you.

[A]

Know, a little sprinkling for the make win.

[B]

And we were like, follow it Was like a procession. They would just take, like, the hottest chick with the biggest boobs in your class. They're like, yeah, she's married.

[A]

She's got the biggest tits.

[B]

She could bear a child. And, yeah. And we'd all just, like, follow her. And that was the one. I'd be like, God, she looks so beautiful. Dude, this is.

[A]

That would.

[B]

That would me up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But during the play, I remember stage crew. As soon as any of the actors would get called, it was like their cue to go out. I would hold on to the back of their costume.

[A]

Come on. Let me go.

[B]

Let me go.

[A]

We do that in stand up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I grab people like, oh, you're going out.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It was so fun. But, yeah, my cousin landed the hero role. He landed, like, the main role. And we were all just backstage weird, and he kind of killed it.

[A]

And we were all just like, that's.

[B]

So you see him on stage next.

[A]

To the baby, you'd be like, you wish I was there next to the baby in the back.

[B]

Yeah, it was awesome.

[A]

Christmas play ruled. Then you sing Joy to the world at the end. Same at the end. End of Christmas Mass. That's the only time I would belt in church.

[B]

You could get me.

[A]

I would hit the hardest.

[B]

Jtw.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That'd be awesome.

[A]

You guys don't know about jtw?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You got kicked out for being a sex pervert.

[C]

But I made it through seven grades of it. I went through. I did the singing. Well, we didn't have to do a play, though. We had to.

[A]

You were the donkey in the play.

[C]

I was always.

[A]

Whatever brought you out dressed like a donkey. No, get the sex pervert in the donkey suit.

[B]

Yeah. What were you, Nate? Were you, like, a wise man from the East?

[A]

We didn't do the play from Zambibia. There's a wise man from Zambibia coming up. He's here in red. In Pennsylvania.

[C]

We did. We did the songs from Sister Act. I had to do the rap part. Which one, huh? Joyful, Joyful Lord. Or it was called. Yeah, and I still remember the last.

[A]

I was hoping it was gonna be oh, Happy Day. That was a good one.

[B]

That was great.

[C]

I think we might have to do that, too. But I didn't do. Those are the two songs. We always did two from a movie. I can't remember. I just remember doing Joyful, Joyful Lore. And then we did the year before that. We did Oliver, and it was just like, food, glorious food. I don't know why, but that's what we do.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Amanda, do you ever participate in any holiday plays?

[E]

No.

[B]

Why not?

[E]

I don't think my school could afford it.

[A]

Could afford a fucking play?

[E]

It's free in Detroit.

[A]

It's free.

[E]

Yeah, but like, they didn't. Like, they didn't make us do it. No, it's not.

[A]

I think Reading in Detroit, I think Redding might have a case here. It's just. It's smaller, but it's, you know, it's just.

[E]

Hey, dude.

[A]

Pretty good. Fucking poor. Although Detroit might be holding it down as number one poorest. Yeah, it might have the broke mind virus.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are you competing? Why are you competing for poverty? It's not good.

[B]

That was Garden. He came up with that. Give credit where it's due. Yeah, the Gardiner.

[D]

I have a surprise behind me if you want to.

[B]

What is it?

[D]

Okay, hold on. It's a birthday cake for Shane. Shane's birthday today.

[B]

It's your special day. You got him that little bitty cake. I thought it was going to be bigger and I thought it was supposed to come with candles too. They didn't give me.

[A]

You got me a cupcake.

[B]

Let's just slap in the face. Show that to the camera. Text this privately. You want to get Shannon cake? I'm like, yeah, get him a cake, bro. That's a slap in the face.

[A]

Smack it out of his hand. I will. You bring this to me on my day. That was. The cake's perfectly intact. That was Matthew's idea to slap it. I would never do something.

[B]

Yo, did you.

[A]

Oh, it's an Oreo cake. Thank you.

[B]

Did you walk four miles and get it? Did you walk and get it? No.

[D]

No, I didn't.

[A]

This looks very good.

[D]

It delivered.

[A]

Thank you. It needs to be defrosted before serving. We gotta let it sit at room temperature for 30 to 45 minutes.

[B]

What the is.

[A]

I mean, no candles. No candles.

[D]

I ordered the candle.

[A]

He did buy me some zooms this morning.

[B]

That's.

[D]

That's Jill and I tried to get candles at the cvs. They didn't have them.

[A]

That's okay. I appreciate the effort.

[B]

Yeah, the cake is nice.

[D]

It's not very nice. It said it served four to five people.

[B]

Yeah. What the. No, it won't.

[D]

There's false advertising.

[B]

Dude, that's up.

[A]

I try so hard for you guys. You guys give me one cupcake.

[D]

I tried to get you a nice cake.

[A]

No, I don't want a cake.

[D]

I knew you wouldn't want it.

[A]

I would not want it.

[B]

Possible scenario. A tiny frozen cake. Where did you get that from?

[D]

Amy's ice cream. They me so totally you. They said four to five people. And I ordered the candles for five extra dollars and they did not give me the candles. So Amy's you on my shit list.

[A]

No, Amy's is great. Don't.

[B]

Amy's ice cream is good ice cream. But not known for their birthday cakes. Apparently.

[D]

I like ice cream cake, so that's.

[B]

Why I hate ice cream. That's crazy. I. I've always hated ice cream cake ever since I was younger. It's like, just have ice cream.

[A]

So pumped when someone got an ice cream cake.

[B]

Hated that. I don't like cake cake.

[A]

I like ice cream cakes.

[B]

See, I like cake and I like ice cream.

[A]

Funfetti, though. Funfetti cake. Vanilla on there. Yeah.

[B]

Funfetti. Slamming.

[A]

You guys could have got Funfetti cake. Guys, I'm 38 years old. I need a Funfetti cake.

[B]

What color frosting?

[A]

Funfetti frosting. I like the way the sprinkles taste in there.

[B]

Dude. He really. It's like, I can taste them, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you have them, you're like, these do give you a taste because it is just vanilla.

[A]

It's a delicious treat.

[B]

But Funfetti is so good. Funfetti ice cream.

[A]

Would you get me for my birthday?

[B]

It's a big fat puke.

[A]

Just a puke in my bathroom. You jacked off in my house. Happy birthday, brother.

[B]

They're just gonna spill every bodily fluid in your house for your birthday.

[A]

He did. I did. Eat some chicken Alfredo he made this week. Where'd you get those noodles? Quality. Everything he made. I couldn't believe how good it was.

[E]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

He made chicken Alfredo and it was delicious.

[B]

The mayor's a chef.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

He said, Jabri, everything Jabri learns, he has a twin. Everything his twin learns, he learns too. Brie went to culinary school and Lemaire got the download.

[A]

He did honestly learn everything Jabri knows.

[E]

Not everything.

[A]

Everything that. Yeah. We were talking about.38 is a useless age.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nobody gives a 38. 39. I also.

[A]

I thought I was 38 this whole year.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

It was one of the.

[B]

Yeah, I've been already.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

No, I've been 40 my whole. This whole year. Anyone ask me, like, I'm 40. Pretty goes. You're actually 39. I go, shut the hell up. I'm 40.

[A]

Yeah. 39 is embarrassing.

[B]

39 is like, don't even talk to Me about my age. I'm 50 right now.

[A]

I'm 75. I'm dead.

[B]

Yeah, I'm. My Spotify. I identify as my Spotify age. 73, I think. 73. I'm an old soul. But yeah, dude, I was, I was telling you before I came here, just, I. From, I think from Saturday morning, I had like a two day hangover from.

[D]

For sure.

[B]

Staying out all night. Went to like a kid's B day at like 11am and I was like, I could have just slept, but I woke up and I'm like, I slept in at like 10:30 and I was like, I'm up. This is crazy. I never sleep in this late. Go to this birthday like a ninja warrior course. I'm just like, my head is killing me. My. My eyes were. My skin felt weird.

[A]

Yeah, dude, we were up so late.

[B]

It was just. It was horrible.

[A]

Kids B days, insane.

[B]

Dude. It was, it was absolutely brutal. And then I go, I take a nap. Before I took a nap. Brittany goes, oh, we have a bar crawl today. And I was like, you got to be kidding me. So we. I take a nap, wake up still hungover.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And at like 6:30pm we all went out first to like get food and drinks. And I just like drank a martini or whatchamacallit, espresso martini, just to fight the hangover off. And then just sat there just at.

[A]

Every bar like, oh, yeah, you only had one.

[B]

I had. And then I sipped like drinks. The problem was every year I. Last year I had. Do you ever have a buttered rum?

[A]

I'm not sure.

[B]

Dude, buttered rum is maybe the perfect holiday drink. It's just rum warmed up with like a quarter stick of butter and maple syrup and cinnamon. I remember it last year and it was just such a treat. I looked forward to it all year going, can we go back? I can't wait to go back to Miracle on Fifth Street. I'm getting a buttered rum show up. And they go, we only have coconut hot chocolate. I go, bro, I'm so hungover. And I was, I was banking on this. I was getting an espresso martini and a buttered rum and then feel better tomorrow. And they didn't have it. And I might have to make my own buttered rum.

[A]

You should.

[B]

I am. I'm gonna make one delicious. I'm gonna put. I'm gonna, you know, trigger warning to anyone who believes in Santa Claus. I'm gonna put all the Christmas gifts together. Then I'm gonna have a buttered rum and then Another one at Christmas dinner. Yeah, I can't.

[A]

That's something to look forward to.

[B]

No, I can't wait. I look forward to it all year.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

In my darkest hour going, I don't see the buttered rum on the menu, but I sure like one like, we're not making. I went, oh, my goodness.

[A]

I can tell you if. If I was. If I had gone on a bar crawl that day. Yeah. I would have blacked out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would have gone as hard as I could. I. To escape the pain of that hangover. See, I. I laid in the tomb and just took it on the chin.

[B]

Wish, man, I was. I was dying.

[A]

Watched. Watched college football all day. Just laid there.

[B]

True.

[A]

Then watching Notre Dame get absolutely butt the next day.

[B]

Oh, you had it that I was.

[A]

Watching the Alabama game going, they're out. We're in. They have to be out. They had negative rushing yards. How Notre Dame had more rushing yards.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Than Alabama in the conference championship.

[B]

They couldn't. You do like a negative isn't like a math equation where you go like stat for stat. Almost you can.

[A]

And no names ahead. But I guess there is strength to schedule.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Notre Dame had a weak ass schedule.

[B]

Yeah. What are you going to do?

[A]

There's nothing we can do. Teams backing out. All they, they joined two conferences now, so they're kind of like two super conferences. It's just the Big Ten in the sec, so they're kind of. They're starting to like, they kind of hate that. Notre Dame's independent. Right.

[B]

Is there like a Vince McMahon behind this all? Like putting these all together?

[A]

No. I mean, there's commissioners of conferences for sure, but there's just a ton of money in the sec, in the Big Ten. So these schools like Texas and Oklahoma, they were Big 12. It was. It used to be a geographic, geographical, a fun time.

[B]

That makes sense. Yeah.

[A]

Now it's not. Now UCLA is playing Ruckers. What are we talking about? Women's volleyball. They gotta get on a charter plane like on a Wednesday night. You're playing in New Jersey?

[B]

Yeah. That's kind of nuts, actually.

[A]

You're just a Beautiful girl from UCLA. God, I wish I was a beautiful girl from UCLA. Said I'm a 38 year old slob.

[B]

You know, a beautiful girl from UCLA would have gotten on her birthday.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Diamond bracelet, dude.

[A]

She would have gotten the whole world.

[D]

What?

[A]

I get a broken cake from a shitty wop. From a disgusting wop smoking cigarettes. The cake smells like cigarettes.

[D]

It was from all of us.

[A]

By the way you guys all chipped in.

[B]

Sean quarterbacked it. Sean quarterbacked it.

[A]

This is from all fours. You guys each pay 50 cents. That's chipped in 75 cents.

[B]

How much was that kid cake?

[D]

It was.

[B]

Come on.

[D]

25 bucks. Plus five for the candles.

[B]

Yeah. You got him a five dollar cake.

[D]

No, 25.

[A]

25 bucks.

[D]

Yeah. It's kind of me.

[B]

I am with you. You think you get a. You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

At least an eight incher.

[D]

I was hoping for eight inches.

[A]

I was looking for eight inches. Never came.

[B]

Gave Shane the microbird.

[A]

You did give me the microbird.

[D]

It's the thought that counts.

[A]

Can you imagine if I was a UCLA volleyball girl? I mean, bro, what my birthday would be like today?

[B]

I've been crazy.

[A]

Instead it's just. I'm gonna lay here, champagne, play hell at loose.

[B]

Champagne everywhere.

[A]

I'm gonna get the a con man on the horn.

[B]

True.

[A]

Me and his cousin are gonna play hell at loose. I'm gonna get killed every five seconds. Jog.

[B]

Gosh darn it.

[A]

Well, well.

[B]

We did it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Happy birthday.

[A]

Thanks, man.

[B]

Happy birthday.

[A]

Another one in the books. Dude, we did it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, join the. Join the patreon to. I mean, we're gonna go crazy.

[B]

Oh, I have, I have. I've been actually. I'm gonna talk about Beowulf. I started reading Beowulf again.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

It's the best book ever.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on spot.