This time we’re starting with the Bottom of 2015 in our “Tops and Bottoms” series (dammit, why does Mike keep giggling at that title?) and the biggest money loser of 2015 was “Jem and the Holograms,” a live action movie based on an 80’s cartoon about a girl-group popstar band. Now, regardless of what we have to say about this movie, I have to point out that this film was clearly doomed from the start. What was John Chu thinking when he signed on to direct? If you’re going to adapt a cartoon about a musical group, how could you choose anything other than that under-appreciated classic “Jabberjaw”?! I mean, really, how can you top a talking shark who does an impression of Curly Howard while using Rodney Dangerfield’s classic catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” Comedy gold! I’m thinking Ryan Reynolds for Biff, Margot Robie for Bubbles, Megan Fox as Shelley, Jared Leto as Clamhead, and Sir Ian McKellen as the voice of a CGI Jabberjaw. My god, it writes itself! Hanna-Barbera, you’re sitting on an untapped gold mine! You could make the underwater world of the show a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic setting! Think “Waterworld” meets “Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space”! Have your people call my people! In the meantime, give a listen as we discuss what these poor saps actually chose for source material. So misguided . . .

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