Transcript
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If you're a man over 50, let's be honest, some of the heaviest weight we ever carry isn't just work or family or money. It's the shadow of our fathers. That quiet voice asking, did I make him proud or did I fall short? In fact, a 2005 study published in Families and Society, the Journal of Contemporary Social Services, finds that the type of relationship a man had with his father during childhood has great influence on his self esteem in adulthood. You might be asking, but Nelson, why would that matter now that I'm in my 40s, 50s, or 60s? Well, to answer this question, let's stick to the research. A 2014 study, this one published in the International Journal of Behavioral Development, finds that midlife represents multidirectionality, variability and plasticity in the nature and direction of change in physical health, cognitive functioning and well being during the middle years of the life course. In other words, this explains why previously buried issues can surface. Because midlife is inherently a period of psychological transition and reassessment. So that guiding voice in your head, there's a good chance it's not yours, but his. Maybe he told you to work harder. Perhaps he told you emotions are weakness. Maybe he told you financial success is the true measure of a man's worth. And whether he said it with words or with silence, like my dad, you carried it into your work, into your relationships, into your own identity. My name is Nelson Paul. I'm an experiential psychologist. That makes it easy for men after 50, that is my Gen X peers, to reclaim identity and reinvent themselves. And in this episode, we're talking about the burden of expectation. I hear it all the time in men I work with. And at some point, I felt it myself. Absolutely. I felt it myself. This sense that no matter what I accomplish or how beautiful I become as a person or how strong I become as a man, I'm not enough because I'm not living the life my dad imagined for me. But here's the truth. Your father's blueprint for you wasn't meant to fit your story. How could it? He lived by rules forged in another time he could have never imagined navigating the world you now navigate at this age. He simply couldn't. Our world changes by the day, not the decade. Here's another. You are not your father's unfinished dream. Your path, your failures, your wins, your meaning. They're yours to define. You see, when we hit midlife, we get this chance to rewrite the rules. Not out of rebellion, not out of anger, but out of freedom. The freedom to finally live life as our story. So here's an evidence based somatic exercise to get you on the road to resolving this plight. It's called Vu Breathing. It's particularly beneficial to men managing emotional weight and stress. How does it do this? It fosters a sense of calm and grounding by improving your body mind connection. I know, I know. You've probably heard that phrase a thousand times regarding everything from yoga to Tai Chi to that tired cliche phrase mindfulness. But give this one a try. It's hand picked just for you and it only takes five to 10 minutes and it can be done anywhere. Here's what you do. Sit comfortably with your back straight and shoulders relaxed. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Now inhale deeply and on the exhale make the sound vu like a low gentle vibration. It would sound something like this. Voo. Feel the resonance, that vibration in your chest and diaphragm. That's where a lot of that old approval seeking tension actually lives. Repeat this for five cycles. Breathe in, then voo out. Notice how your body feels different afterward. This simple exercise helps activate your vagus nerve and literally calms the part of your nervous system that's been carrying your father's voice all these years. If you've ever felt crushed by those expectations, or any other expectations, if you're tired of carrying that invisible weight, I've created a powerful 28 day challenge called Resurrection Camp. It'll help you regain autonomy and reinvent yourself going forward. I invite you to enroll today. You can find out more at Resurrection Camp. Until next time.