194. Pete Holmes Returns: Vulnerability is Everything

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: Mike Birbiglia’s Working It Out
Episode: 194. Pete Holmes Returns: Vulnerability is Everything
Host: Mike Birbiglia
Guest: Pete Holmes
Date: December 1, 2025
Theme:
A candid, hilarious, and deeply insightful exploration of stand-up comedy, vulnerability, joke-writing, and the often unspoken emotional philosophy of performing. Birbiglia and Holmes “work out” new material, share war stories, challenge each other’s ideas, and delve into why authenticity and sensitivity are at the core of great comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedians and Their Names

• Opening Bit ([00:00])
  • Mike observes that many comedians’ names perfectly fit their comedic persona ("Bill Burr is Bill Burr," "Stephen Wright is Stephen Wright," etc.).
  • Pete adds, "Were they born into these names, or did they grow into them?" ([27:25])

2. Philosophy of Stand-Up: Audience Connection & Vulnerability

• The duo discusses the myth that it's always the comedian’s job to make things work—sometimes, "it's the audience, too." ([07:19])
• Mike stresses, “I’m not doing this at you. I’m doing this with you. It’s different every time because of you.” ([08:17])
• Eddie Murphy Doc Reference ([09:04])
  Pete recounts Murphy’s emphasis on “sensitivity and vulnerability” being the true key to artistry:

  “He really hangs a lantern on that. ...Actually it’s him being like, no, no, no. It’s about sensitivity.” -- Pete ([09:23])

3. Blending New Material and Punching Up Jokes

• Both admit the podcast sometimes focuses less on punchline “workshopping” than advertised, and today’s goal is to change that. ([04:51])

4. On Cut Jokes and Comic Voice

• Mike discusses jokes that don’t make it because they feel inauthentic—despite their technical quality ([16:14]).

  “There’s a level of intuition ...it’s like looking at your whole show as a piece feelings, not just for them, but for you.” — Mike ([15:39])

• Story of a joke about his mother:

  “When it didn’t work, it was too costly. It made me feel like a bad son. So I just cut it.” — Mike ([18:10])

5. The Dynamics of Joke Context

• Both explore how a joke's success often relies on subtle audience setup and perceived justice ("comedy balance").
• Mike: “Justice is a big part of comedy...” ([19:35])

6. On Self-Perception & Competitiveness

• Pete: “You can’t see yourself. ...Dave [Chappelle] can’t tell how great he is.” ([11:42])
• Later, on being a bad athlete:

  “I’m a fierce competitor who loses.” — Pete ([47:27])

  • Mike reframes:

    “You don’t know what a disappointment it is to be fiercely invested in winning, and God made you like this.” — Mike ([47:55])

7. Joke Construction, Authenticity, and the Art of Editing

• Holmes and Birbiglia probe the fine line between a “good” joke and the right joke for a particular performer.
• Discussions about jokes being cut because they might send the wrong message or don’t fit their personal ethos ([23:15]–[24:20]).

8. Comparing Modern and '80s Parenting

• Pete’s bit on modern fathers being more anxious, multi-tasking parents versus the distant "monsters" of Pixar’s past ([36:02]–[38:04]).
• Analogies: “We're all iPhones with too many apps.” — Pete ([37:35])
• Mike: “In the '80s, it was a landline, and dad didn’t answer it half the time.” ([37:43])

9. Cinematic Coolness: Why Do We Want to Be Movie Stars?

• Explores the trope of “cool” in movies—quiet characters, swallowing pills without water ([40:09]), and how these markers of coolness are unattainable for “real” people.
• Pete:

  “There’s something more there...how are you never going to be the thing you grew up wanting to be?” ([44:03])

10. Storytelling: The “Massage Parlor” Story

• Mike shares an extended personal story about an awkward (but platonic) massage parlor experience in Canada ([53:35]–[59:51])—punctuated by physical comedy, and his pride in “being the Elvis Presley of not getting an erection” ([56:34]).
• Pete encourages weaving personal vulnerability and cinematic references together across stories for greater callback potential ([59:30]).

11. Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Growth

• Repeated theme:

  “Vulnerability is everything.”

  • Pete notes how Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, and others succeed not by bravado, but emotional exposure and honesty ([09:04]–[09:39]).

12. Working Out for a Cause

• Pete highlights Homeboy Industries, a gang rehabilitation program, as a favorite charity ([64:51]); Mike praises its ethos of “unconditional love.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On artists' sensitivity:
  “There’s a point at which he [Eddie Murphy] says the key thing about artists is their sensitivity and their vulnerability.” — Pete ([09:04])

• On failed jokes:
  “If you were in the audience, you wouldn’t laugh. ...You haven’t found out how to make yourself laugh yet.” — Mike ([13:43])

• On authenticity:
  “Just because you thought it doesn’t mean you have to say it. ...Especially if it’s a joke. Yeah, it’s funny.” — Mike ([14:13])

• On joke selection:
  “There’s jokes that are good jokes...but for whatever reason, out of your mouth, people are like, no.” — Pete ([18:10])

• Mike on his all-time most worked-on (discarded) joke:
  "Have a God that's better than your manager at Applebee’s. But...could never make that work. ...It’ll be in 'Kill Your Darlings,' for sure. So it'll live." ([21:11])

• Self-definition:
  "I'm the Michael Jordan of losing." — Pete ([48:32])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Comedians & Their Names: [00:00], [26:22]
• Discussion on Making a “10” of a Show: [07:11]–[08:17]
• Eddie Murphy Doc & Vulnerability: [09:04]–[09:39]
• Audience Collaboration & Regional Humor: [08:34]–[09:04]
• Cutting Jokes for Authenticity: [16:14]–[18:11]
• Parenting, Modern vs. Old School: [36:02]–[38:07]
• Coolness in Movies: [40:09]–[42:05]
• Massage Parlor Story: [53:35]–[59:51]
• Working Out for a Cause: [64:31]–[65:56]

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Memorable Comedy "Workshop" Moments

• Hot Tub Story:
  Pete tells a story about a stranger offering up bad jokes in a hotel hot tub; Mike helps him punch up the exchange ([31:07]).

  “I also feel like I might get along really well with his wife. You’re my least favorite member of your family, and these are optimal conditions. We’re in a hot tub.” — Pete ([33:08])

• Pete’s “Losing” Bit:
  Hilarious brainstorming:

  “I think people give losers a hard time. ...You don’t exist without me. I’m your god… I’m the Michael Jordan of losing.” — Mike ([48:32])

• Denzel Taking Pills Without Water:
  Both riff on movie tropes about “coolness,” with Mike dreaming up a combination of cinematic habits to contrast with real life ([40:15]–[41:32]).

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Closing Reflection

Pete:

“Vulnerability is everything.”

Mike:

"I listen to [Father Greg Boyle's] books before I do stand-up because I find opening my heart is more important than rehearsing the words." ([65:11])

Cause of the Episode:

• Homeboy Industries: Largest gang rehabilitation program in America; ethos of “unconditional love” ([65:36]).

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Summary

This wide-ranging, sharp, and emotionally earnest episode epitomizes the blend of joke-craft, honesty, philosophical inquiry, and riotous friendship that defines Working It Out. Mike and Pete navigate the high-wire of writing true, personal material, all while interrogating what makes a joke land, what makes some jokes get “cut,” and why risking vulnerability onstage is, truly, everything.

If you’re a comedy fan, a performer, or just someone fascinated by what makes people (and jokes) tick, this episode is both essential listening and a masterclass in collaboration and self-examination.

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Useful Links

• Pete Holmes: Instagram, You Made It Weird Podcast
• Homeboy Industries: homeboyindustries.org
• Mike Birbiglia: Website, YouTube Channel

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Note:
For bonus content where Pete and Mike punch up listener-submitted jokes, subscribe to Working It Out Premium.

Transcript

[Mike Birbiglia]

Have you noticed all comedians are like their name?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Bill Burr is. Bill Burr.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Bill.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Bill Burr. Stephen Wright. Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Ray Romano. Romano. And then someone yelled out Birbiglia. And I went, mike Birbaglia. Birbiglia is like the sound a water cooler jug makes. That's you. It kind of needs to be changed.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the voice of the great Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes is back. Come on, Come on, everybody in the studio. We haven't had Pete Holmes in the studio in years. One of my favorite comedians, he has a podcast called you Made It Weird. One of my good friends, he's been on the show many times. As a matter of fact, if you want to go back and listen, almost exactly a year ago, we did our favorite Christmas movies as an episode. I think it's a pretty good list. I actually think if you're looking for a holiday movie, go back and listen to that one. It's a good list. Here's what you need to know about these episodes with me and Pete. It's a little bit like listening to a phone call between me and Pete. Sometimes we burn each other. We're mean to each other, but we love each other. That's the key thing. I really love this chat that we have today. We actually punch up jokes, punch up each other's jokes. I think quite effectively. We break some ground on some jokes that, you know, that were kind of nowhere before the episode. So that's great. It's exactly the premise of the podcast, by the way. Thanks to everyone who came out last week to me and Jenny's jokes and poems at Joe's Pub in New York City. That's a. That's an event that my wife Jenny and I do every few months. We're doing another one soon, if you want to be the first to know, because it's limited, you know, it's 160 seats at Joe's Pub, and so the tickets go really fast. If you want to be the first to know about the next Joe's Pub show, which is probably going to be in January, text Birbigs B I R B I G S on your phone to the number 917444, 7150. And you'll be the first to know when those tickets go on sale. Also, I will be appearing in the Broadway show all out from January 13 through 18 alongside Cecily Strong and Wayne Brady. All Out. I've mentioned this before, but it's a. It's a comedy on Broadway written by a great Simon Rich wrote for snl. He's written many hilarious books. He's written for the New Yorker. And it's actors, like a rotating cast of actors. And Jon Stewart's doing it. I think Jim Gaffigan's doing it. I think Abby Jacobson's doing it. Anyway, it's a great bunch of actors doing it. And then it's all in front of a live band. The band is called Lawrence. It's a band that I really like and they're playing their own original songs. So I'm really excited about it. I think you should see it. I know a lot about you and I. I do think you should see it. You can get tickets@allout broadway.com thanks to everyone who signed out for working it out. Premium on Apple Podcasts Last week we released a bonus episode with Pete Holmes where we punch up listeners jokes. Today we punch up each other's jokes on that episode. Punch up listeners jokes. If you sign up, you support the show, which we really appreciate. And then you get these premium episodes like the one where me and Pete punch up people's jokes and you get no ads like on any episode. And this is part of the reason that I have premium on some podcasts that I listen to. My wife Jenny and I fall asleep to podcasts. We do the setting on Apple podcasts which is like, play next, play next, play next, play next. And we do it with premium subscription. So there's no ads. So there's not like, hey Ra, get this thing. I'm not gonna say a thing. Cause then it'll alienate the sponsors. But you know what I mean. That's actually the reason why we have premium on one of the things. I love this conversation I have with Pete Holmes today. As I said, he's been on the show a lot of times. We razz each other a bit. We go deep into stand up comedy, philosophy and religion and the religiosity of comedy. Love talking to Pete. Enjoy my conversation with the great Pete Holmes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Working it.

[Pete Holmes]

So I went on Instagram and I asked people to ask you questions because these are these episodes. These Pete Holmes, Mike Brabilia episodes are highly anticipated.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the thing, the thing. A couple things today. One is I want to go over a bunch of jokes. You know, people sometimes will make fun of the podcast that we don't do that enough. That we don't do it enough.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I claim the show is my own, that we don't do that enough on the show.

[Pete Holmes]

But then know in General The. Working a podcast. They're like, it's not enough jokes. And it's like. That you're working out. It's like. Well, yeah, because I can't work out my whole hour.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That I spend years on. In every episode.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It would just be a skeleton.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Sebastian, man. Sebastian, man. A skeleton.

[Pete Holmes]

One time.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I. I'm a bag of bones over here.

[Pete Holmes]

They did. They did.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember Sebastian on SNL last night? They did, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, nice. That's an honor.

[Pete Holmes]

It was good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's an honor. Who did it?

[Pete Holmes]

It was Marcelo Hernandez did it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's amazing. I hosted the New Faces at Montreal. He was the new face.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And Shane Gillis.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A lot of heavy hands.

[Pete Holmes]

How is that good?

[Mike Birbiglia]

It was great. And it was Marcelo, and he destroyed. Not to. This isn't a long story. And Shane was going last. Gianmarco Cerese did it as well. Same situation. Both he and Shane went last on a lineup of killers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And. And then they both. I was like, what are they going to do? Like, I'm starting to bomb. Like, the crowd's done.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Like, huh. All right. Shane Gillis, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

That's hilarious.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Murdered.

[Pete Holmes]

It's interesting. Yeah. People have said that recently about when Marcelo pops into the cellar.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like the. That volume level that only, like, Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle gets where you go, oh, wow. That.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's their 10. Yeah, that's the.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what? That's how loud this room can be.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I've been saying that on stage lately. Introducing the idea of the number. I do a little joke up top, and I go, all right, there's your four. There's your four.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I go. Just getting to know each other.

[Pete Holmes]

There's your four.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't say there's your 10, but I think it. Oh, there's your 10. Sure. It's a very. I was going to say it's kind of sexy. There's something sexy about two. Two groups paying that close attention to each other. You know what I'm saying?

[Pete Holmes]

No, absolutely.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Imagine, like, a partner being, like, knowing you that well. I don't think it's an ego trip. I think it's generous and beautiful. Going like. I'm not saying you hit what I consider a four. I'm going, there's your four.

[Pete Holmes]

There's your four.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Got it. There's your 10.

[Pete Holmes]

We were. We were talking about this recently on the phone. I think it's worth airing out is.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Airing it out with Mike Birbiglio, the new podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

We were talking about the idea of, like, you had a show. We won't name the show, but you were like, it was good, but it was like a. It was like a 7 or an 8, and I wanted it to be a 10.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. I couldn't connect.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And I have to say, like, I said it, then I'll say it again. Sometimes it's the audience, too. Everyone's a part of it. Well, if you come in with a 7 and they're a 7 together, you might not get to an 8 or a 9 or a 10, but also, you might.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Sometimes you're a 7 and they're a 10. And we're quick to say that happens.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And sometimes you're a 10 and they're a 7, and the show becomes a 7. Yeah, that can happen too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Seinfeld and the old school guys are like, don't blame the audience. No, I know. And I'm like, what, are you nuts? You think Hendrix didn't sometimes say, it was too cold? I couldn't keep my guitar in tune?

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Of fucking course he did. It's insane. I love Seinfeld. I'm just saying, the people that say, you can't blame the audience. I. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Let's take Jerry out of this. I'm just saying, I don't know if they're thinking in the same terms as I am, of, we're doing this together. We're making this together. I'm not doing this at you. I'm doing this with you. It's different every time because of you. So, of course, sometimes it's gonna be less connected.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There are certain jokes. So I was in Jersey last night. I tell these jokes about kind of. There's stories that involve kind of being a little sassy to kids, Like, a little rough to children.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And on the east coast, those jokes. Murder. They're east coast jokes. You go to Texas, and they love them in Texas, too, actually. But there are certain parts of the country where it's a little bit more like, that's not okay. Like, you can tell there's so. So is that joke not good, or is it just kind of not merging with this group? And why can't I say, I think it's where we are in the country? Yeah, that's my job.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you and I both attach to the same thing from the Eddie Murphy documentary, which I think is worth pointing out, which is There's a point at which he says the key thing about artists is their sensitivity and their vulnerability.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, completely.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it couldn't be more true. I think a lot of times people miss that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And he really hangs a lantern on that. And I think especially with him, because you're like, oh, he does voices, he does characters, he does physical comedy. He's off the wall. But actually it's him being like, no, no, no. It's about sensitivity.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, there was this funny Barry Katz story that he told, my funny story where he goes. Where he was representing Chappelle early in his career.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Whoops. And he took him.

[Pete Holmes]

And he took him to see, like, a street performer who did stand up comedy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that comic did like five hours or something.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was like. And he was, like, getting crushed, like, as a street performer. Street comic. And Dave was mad at Barry and he goes, why would you. Why would you show me a guy like that? Like, I'll never be able to do that kind of thing. Yeah. And then. And then, like, the next night, Barry had that guy at the club, and then he put Dave on after him. Or put that guy on after Dave. And then that guy said to Barry, why would you ever have me have to follow that guy?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's actually a great show business story about, like, all everyone's relationship to everybody.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, it's all relative. It's literally relative.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's like this guy is really working in this way. He really sings in this way. It's Michael Jordan playing baseball. You know what I mean? It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is it, like Michael Jordan playing baseball?

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's a better basketball player. So Chappelle was a better basketball player. He didn't want to play baseball.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. He's a better. Similar club comic.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Similar thing. Yeah, very similar. Similar ball. Put it. Put that ball somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny. You, you, you had a different takeaway from that story. My takeaway is. No, no, I think I actually put that ball somewhere.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All sports are. Put that ball somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Where it's not.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Volleyball, get that ball over there. Now get it back. Pool, hide all these balls. Basketball, put it in the peach basket.

[Pete Holmes]

The. My takeaway from it. But your takeaway is good, too. My takeaway from it is you can't see yourself.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's for sure. And that actually goes back to you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. Dave can't tell how great he is. That guy can't tell how great he is.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think Chappelle's figured it out. That was the other standout in the Eddie Murphy, where he's like, I didn't know know I was going to be a comedy legend.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's like, but I am smoking. It's like, I wouldn't change it for the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Dave smoking cigarettes in his interview about Eddie Murphy is one of the wildest things I've ever seen in a documentary.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's actually perfect. He. He is smoldering. Like, when it cuts him and you can't see the cigarette and there's just smoke coming off of him, you're like, is that just him? You know a block of cheese isn't a multivitamin, right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You look like a guy who gets his vitamin D from the light reflecting off of a block of cheddar. Like, that's what you consider getting outside seeing the golden light.

[Pete Holmes]

The mathematics of that joke are great. But I'm not laughing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Because you're thinking about your heart.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, let me get these questions, because we asked people on Instagram for questions for you. Since we do this, we do this about once a year. Okay. So this is a question from Jessica Taylor Rabbit, a lesson you wished you could have learned without having gone through the experience.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Feels like a trap. I'm supposed to be like, what? Just jump to the punchline? That's like, what joke would you like to hear without the setup?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? That's what you think of it as?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Where it took me was, you know, the whole point is the experience. But I think I see what she's saying. Okay. I think I have one.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's one of the best pieces of standup advice I've ever gotten. And I. It's the advice that I give people, which is put yourself in your audience and ask yourself, when would I laugh? And when I was the first couple years of stand up, I did not know the answer. That's what's kind of charming about your first couple years. But that's a hard lesson to learn when you realize if you were in the audience, you wouldn't laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Like you haven't found out how to make yourself laugh yet.

[Pete Holmes]

That's rough. I actually think the thing that you're speaking to is something I think about all the time, which is sometimes when people are really good in their 20s at anything, part of it is they haven't developed self consciousness.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's right. Like, my daughter can kind of skateboard because she's seven.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She doesn't know what falling is.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

But Sometimes you see people in their 20s, you go, oh, my God. Yeah, they really. They don't even know what they look like. They don't even know what they're talking about.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And you know what lesson I'm still learning? I'm 46. Is. And you're gonna think I'm joking, but maybe you won't because you know me. Just because you thought it doesn't mean you have to say it. I'm still. I'm still. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been like. Especially if it's a joke. Yeah, it's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I just say it. But I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know you mean. But there's an upside to it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

There's an upside to it when you. When you have no filter. When you're younger, you have no filter, you go, like, some of those jokes are really good, bro.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I wouldn't change it, but I am slowly starting to. Like, I've been a plane. That's like climbing.

[Pete Holmes]

Climbing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't mean career or anything. I just mean internally.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, definitely not career. Sorry. Are we rolling?

[Mike Birbiglia]

You're like Nat man, like Ant Man's buddy. It's like the slightly more useless Ant Man.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we rolling?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Have you ever had kale?

[Pete Holmes]

Have you considered I enjoy a slice of kale every now and then? Is that a type of piece? All right, So R. Stone, 80, asks, what's the funniest joke you've ever discarded because it wasn't authentic to your voice?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Great question.

[Pete Holmes]

You and I have talked about this before.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I cut jokes all the time. This is such a flex that work. And it's because I think this is fascinating. It's because of how they feel. There's a level of intuition, and it's like looking at your whole show as a piece feelings, not just for them, but for you. And I had this joke. We're doing this documentary called Kill youl Darlings. And it's about cut material with Judd, right? Judd is involved? Yes. And Ricky Cruz. And we're making it together, and I love it. And it has all these jokes that I've cut because when you write an hour, you write two hours.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I write five.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I know. And then you polish it for seven years and then release it on vinyl, I think, for your subscription service. For playable on gramophone only. It's like a hand crank. Mike Babiglia presents My Girlfriend Disrespected Me. Track one. Hey, everybody. Have you ever had this situation on the F train to coney Island.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm some kind of old fashioned.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, you open for Mulaney? He'll be right out, folks. And I think he's got his bag of gags with him. Murder. He comes out, give it up for Mikey Birbiglia all the way from the trolley to your living room.

[Pete Holmes]

What's this machine you're playing?

[Mike Birbiglia]

You have to crank it? It's a phonograph.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So the joke that I cut because of how it feels is I think I stand by the joke. I go, my mom has a little withered old lady hand, and so she can't point, but she's still out here pointing. She doesn't know. So she'll. We'll be at lunch with her and she'll be like, petey, sweetie, what is that? What is that?

[Pete Holmes]

She doesn't know that it is that. Not actually pointing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What is that? She thinks she's doing this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. This is visual. This is visual. She thinks she's doing it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She thinks the finger is extended. She goes, what is this? I go, I don't know. Gonzo's nose. What is it, Mom? And it's very funny to me because my mom's a fierce woman. She's not, you know, Superman's mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She's a broad. She's like a brassy woman. So she's scary. I know this. She's like, mike, what is that? What do you think that is? That is the definition of comedy is a high status, snappy granny who can't point but thinks she can. But I would do it. And when it didn't work, it was too costly. It made me feel like a bad son.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So I just cut it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's an interesting question about. That opens up a conversation about, like, comic voice, which is like. Which is like. There's jokes that are good jokes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Setup, punchline, tag, tag, tag. Good observation or novel idea, but for whatever reason, out of your mouth, people are like, no.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, it's true.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't quite buy this.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I have a joke. I just realized this is right up your alley. I think up our alley. I have a joke about my daughter and showing her pull my finger. And if I don't do the joke before it, the pull my finger joke doesn't work as well.

[Pete Holmes]

That makes sense.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And the joke before it establishes my dynamic with my daughter.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But sometimes I don't like doing that joke. I'm just kind of tired of it, so I'll drop it. Then I'm in the middle of the pull My finger joke. And I'm like, God damn it. Like, I needed to tell them. I'm obsessed. Here are the ingredients. I'm obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is fierce. My daughter sasses me. So it's comedy balance. It's justice in that joke. She sort of sasses me. Now she's up in. Pull my finger. I kind of get her. It levels things out. Audiences don't know. We probably talked about this on other times we've chatted. Justice is a big part of comedy. So when I'm doing, what is this? My mom is now down. I've taken my mom down. I need to. It might work better if I tell you about our dynamic and if I tell you about the times that she told me my watch was gaudy or whatever it is, then you want me to get her back with, what is this? But if you just do, what is this? Out of nowhere, it seems cruel.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I have that even. And thank God for jokes. The final. The final story is about telling, like, a roast joke about David O. Russell and about how he walked out of the award ceremony where I told the joke in front of all the stuff. If I tell that joke in isolation, it doesn't work. People are just like, what?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you. Why would you do that? Yeah, but if you do. If you. I have. The whole show is leading towards. Like, sometimes jokes can be off putting. Sometimes it's worse than that. Sometimes it's worse than that. And here is the most off putting it ever was.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Explained life. I used to have this joke about my. My God you could just say is unconditional love, right? And I tried to break down that people's gods suck. Like, your God sucks. Like, for example, you say fuck and God is mad at you. I'm like, you mean like your manager at Applebee's? I'm like, have a God that's better than your manager at Applebee's. But it's a whole thing. And then I go, or let's say you do something worse. You cheat on your partner. And I go, my wife cheated on me. My first wife. So I know that's sucks. That's horrible. So let's say you did that. What a nightmare. God's mad, right? But what would you do? You'd go out to lunch with your buddy Larry, Ride or die Larry. And just like your show, that explains that roast joke, you would explain that you had boundaryless parents. You'd uncover that that love at a certain point started to feel unsafe to you, that it actually felt Smothering like death. That intimacy was death. And then you realize that's why I did it. I self sabotage. But it was to. It was a outdated survival mechanism. And Larry would listen and Larry would understand. Cause he loves you and he gets you. And he took the time to understand. And Larry would forgive you. Larry wouldn't even forgive you. He wouldn't even acknowledge it. That's called mercy. Have a God. That's better than Larry could never make that work.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you could make it work.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's a good point. But bro, I tried a hundred times.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Mike Birbiglia]

It'll be in Kill youl Darlings for sure. So it'll live.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's interesting. It'll be clicked. So it's gonna be in the documentary that you're about jokes that don't make it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

They don't make it to the Special. But hundreds of crowds heard that joke.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think you could get them there. Cuz I'm interested.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, that brings us to the next point. Why? To cut a joke. I'll give you a better example. I did this joke about fish. It's called the Ambitious Fish. I go, look, I. I don't remember how I got into it, but I was like, how did we get here? There's some fish. A million billion years ago, some fucking fish saw land. An ambitious fish. And then what do you thought about legs? This is what they're telling. I'm not saying it didn't happen. I'm saying how he thought about legs really hard. After a million years, two little skin tag feet came off and he waddled out onto the land, like said to the other fish, see you fuckers later. And he left the. Then he realized he couldn't breathe. Had to come back. That was a big part. I go, you realize the first walk ever was a walk of shame. He had to come back. Like it didn't work. And then he thought about lungs. After a million years, he grew lungs. He's like, this time for real. And he left and he grew legs and he evolved. And that's us. And then I go, what did we do to celebrate our ancestors that gave us this leg, foot, lung technology that we're all benefiting from today? Do we worship them? Do we build monuments to them? I go, no, we dip their carcasses in soy sauce and we eat them. And that's why I'm worried about AI. Why'd I cut that joke?

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Because it's too fucking hard. That joke's too hard to do.

[Pete Holmes]

I can give you an old punchline.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. I don't think the punchline's the problem. It's already cut. It's retired.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is it retired? It's never retired. I actually think at the end of it, you get, you know, and then the fish grew legs and then this and then this, and you go. And you're telling me that the Bible isn't believable.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's very good. You're telling me it's. I like it. I'll tell you why I would pre cut that joke. As a guy who does spiritual jokes, it's so hard to not. I don't want to bolster a God that I don't support.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Sometimes a point like that can be so misconstrued, and I'm like. And you're telling me the Bible's hard to believe. That's why the gays need to keep it in their pants and the fucking. You know what I mean? I feel like that's how you feel.

[Pete Holmes]

About if someone makes a case for religion, but you always make a case for religion.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know, and I worry about it all the time, but that's why my act is filthy. It's to go like, don't get me wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Same guy. If it was squeaky clean, and then I was like, God loves you, you'd be like, yeah, but you want me to, like, stop masturbating or something, Right? But you're like, this guy. This is what all my fans say. This guy's jerking it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I love. I forgot this about you.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Mike Birbiglia]

You're a great listener, and I lose you all the time. It's like flying a kite. Every once in a while, I just feel the breeze goes, oh, I think it's coming to the ground. And I see it on your face.

[Pete Holmes]

I just didn't get it. Okay, okay, Let me play the tape back.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You'll get it. This guy's got to listen to his own podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

D Whip Art says, does Pete come to your podcast preloaded with insults, or do you let him fly?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I let him fly.

[Pete Holmes]

Let him fly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm sorry, but you don't have to write material about Mike Birbiglia.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fair.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just there.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I did feel today, coming in when we had coffee, I was like, you look good. Last time I did the podcast, I was like, oh, no. Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You worry for me sometimes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, most of your one man shows are like, here's how I almost die. Turns out you're not supposed to have pork fat with your eggs. Whoops.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard you did an impression of me at York Comedy Festival.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I did, by request.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, by request.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Did someone tell you that?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Cuz I have a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

This is Camila Calderon.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I've run this bit by you because we work it out in real life. I have this joke about how I went to school with 300 bill burrs. That's what it's like going to school in Boston. And then I go, one Bill Burr. Pretty good time. 300 guys, all like. I go, not a chill learning environment. I like that goes into. Have you noticed all comedians are like their name. We've talked about this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Bill Burr is Bill Burr.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, I'm serious. Bell, Burr. Belper, Stephen Wright, Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Ray Romano. Romano. And then someone yelled out, birbiglia. And I went, my Birbiglia. What I should have said was nothing. And you are microbiglaying it. Sebastian Maniscout.

[Pete Holmes]

Go, man.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The scout goes is the sound an alien would make if they were trying to classify what they were looking at. If they didn't know his name and they were watching it, they'd go like that, man. A skalkin guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's perfect.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Everybody's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Were they born into these names or Mulaney?

[Mike Birbiglia]

How Mulaney is Mulaney?

[Pete Holmes]

Very Mulaney.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Mulaney. If he was John Mulroney.

[Pete Holmes]

But like chicken or the egg, like what came first. They were named and then they grew into their name.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And they're all Their face, too. Bill Burr's face is those bits.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Bah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Bah. This guy's going in a laundromat. Play that. For a police sketch artist who's never seen him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's drawn Bill Burr. Play Steven Wright. For a sketch artist that's never seen him, he's drawn Steven Wright. Steven Wright. Because we all look in the mirror, it's like being backstage, and we go, all right, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And you go out and I act like this face. I act like the name Pete. You act like the name Mike. You act like Birbeglia. You are Berbeglia. Birbiglia is like the sound a water cooler jug makes. That's you. It's like kind of needs to be changed.

[Pete Holmes]

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[Mike Birbiglia]

You didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I did.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

True story. True story. I wrote this all down.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What kind of stuff?

[Pete Holmes]

I just found this in my notebook. You know how sometimes you forget what you've written down? You go, this is actually kind of a great story.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think this all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, what kind of stuff? He goes, well, for starters, my wife hates jokes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not a joke. Yeah, but sure.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Also, no one hates jokes if you're doing it and they're not enjoying it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought, I don't even know your jokes, and I don't know your wife, but I probably agree with your wife.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's like, my wife hates cookies. I keep putting baking soda in them. Lots of baking soda and salt, and she just doesn't like them.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, so what are some. I literally. I repeat it, go, what are some of your jokes? I was just like, really? Where's this going?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, here's one of my jokes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

This is called entrapment. You're a police officer going, just put the gun there.

[Pete Holmes]

I just.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I was like, if he touches it, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm convinced. This could be a bit. Yeah. Because I was reading this morning. I was like, okay. So I go, what are one of those. One of the jokes? He goes, I was at one of those hardware stores at the checkout, and the girl asked me for my number to type into the computer. She said, what's your number? And I said, what's your number? Right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The image that goes in my mind is me jumping off a cliff.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I mean, what's your number?

[Pete Holmes]

What's your number? And then he goes, I was with.

[Mike Birbiglia]

My kids, and they're like.

[Pete Holmes]

And they walked away because they get embarrassed when I do this.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Can I say the joke is, you be the cashier. I already said, but I wanted to get your number.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I get your number?

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's a little personal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's nice.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's the same mechanism.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

People ask for phone numbers without being.

[Pete Holmes]

Without being creepy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Keeping it on you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And you're making them. You're including them. It's fun. Now. Now your kids aren't embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

I also. And I wrote, I also feel like I might get along really well with his wife. You're my least favorite member of your family, and these are optimal conditions. We're in a hot tub.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's good. And you're the only one I've met.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. That could be a bit. Right, sure. Yeah. How does it become a bit, though? Because I actually think, like, it runs the risk of the thing you're saying, which is being kind of so critiquey of this stranger that you're like.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, a good test is, would Robin Williams, like, take a hero of yours?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Would they say it? I'll be Robin Williams.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if he saw another comedian do it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Very good.

[Pete Holmes]

And it worked.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Very, very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Rest in peace, Robin. I love Rob.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Don't add that.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Rob.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Don't add that. Own what you're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Own it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Own what you're doing. You travesty.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, no, do. Can I have your number?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, sir, can I have your number?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Can I have your own number? He wouldn't do it in a million years. Now do mine, Ezra.

[Pete Holmes]

Sir, can I get your number?

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's a little forward. I don't know. We just met. All you know about me is I love baking soda. Yes, he would.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Kids aren't walking away now.

[Pete Holmes]

That seems good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Do. Maybe Vince Vaughn.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Okay. Can I get your number?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, can I have your number? Give me your number. I like you. He wouldn't do it. Even Vince Vaughn.

[Pete Holmes]

Close call. Closer call.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Let's do it the other way.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Can I get your number, sir?

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's a little forward. I feel like I don't even know you. I came in the store.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All you know is I. I don't want a receipt now. You think we. We're gonna go on a date? I don't think we're gonna date. What's going to happen? We're going to get. We're going to break up. Come back to the shop and safe. Now I see you. It's awkward. I don't know. I need food more than I need a relationship right now.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a very good first. And first of all, this is great vocal work. So if you're. If you're auditioning for voiceovers, this is.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I would have been.

[Pete Holmes]

If that's the radio.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It was a radio show. I would have been booked.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're critiquing. Not my joke. You're critiquing this guy's joke.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm trying to help his joke by saying we all have access to the same avatars.

[Pete Holmes]

My question is, should I do this bit? I think you're saying no.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I like it. Fine.

[Pete Holmes]

You like it. Okay. Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know what? It's missing, and I don't know why. I want some sort of thesis, some sort of. Here. And this is the joke of mine that it made me think of. When I'm trying to access compassion for Trump, I imagine him trying on sunglasses.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Why?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Because everybody is so vulnerable when they're trying on sunglasses. There's that little fucking carousel and everyone's tried them and everyone's taking. Touched him. You put him on. There's that little square mirror and you're like, I don't know, is my head big?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Do I have a big head? Like it's just. It sweetens him up just a little bit. Or putting on his socks in the morning before he's gotten into character and he's just like, like. I'm not saying he's gotten into character. You know, he gets in character like a WWE character. He doesn't feel that way all day.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I run a couple other jokes by you?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I live in Brooklyn with the other middle aged dads. Being a dad is so different in this era. When I was a kid, my dad was like the owner of a restaurant that was my family.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Showed up when he wanted, disappeared for a few weeks. Was nicer to the customers than the staff.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's very good. We knew he was close. When the jingle of keys was heard, he'd open up the shop.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I wrote dad's in my lifetime, dads went from being the monsters in Pixar movies to being the little bird that flies ahead and goes, is everything okay?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Dads used to be terrifying and now we're meek. We're all just so afraid, we don't even know what we're afraid of.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, Yeah. I like. We used to be the monsters and now dads are. I think, I think you're pulling your punches a little bit on that one. Oh, really? I think you know what you're afraid of.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, interesting. I think you know I'm afraid of my wife leaving me.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, it's the burden of. Yeah, maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

I am trying to answer your question in a real way.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What's the fear?

[Pete Holmes]

What's the real fear?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, you and I have had real conversations about how. And I think it's a beautiful endeavor, but there's a new burden on the father. As the wife's best friend, the everything, the partner.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the modern.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The teacher, the modern dad and the earner.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Not always there. Everybody earns. I'm just saying, you're also expected to.

[Pete Holmes]

Work all the things at once. Everyone's all the things at once.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Everyone's all the things at once.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's the modern paradigm.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We're all iPhones with too many apps.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And in. In the 80s, it was a landline, and dad didn't answer it half the time.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe that. Maybe that. Maybe I should try that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think, you know what you're afraid of.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe that is the joke.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Too many apps.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The apps thing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. So we're doing nine things right.

[Pete Holmes]

We're all these modern parents are these iPhones who have way too many apps.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I was. We were a kid, it used to be just a land.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A dad with a landline.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And a lot of times he wouldn't.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Pick up, and all they'd say is, all right, I'll let you go. That's all I'd say. Or it's also another metaphor is the computer. And, you know, like, it's all chunked, and you're like, why? And you realize Photoshop is open.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's a RAM issue.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very good, too.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Do you ever perform at mit?

[Pete Holmes]

No. No. That's good, though. Sorry I'm not giving you a proper laugh, but it's because I'm thinking about what you're saying, I think is a better analogy to modern parenting, which is to say that modern parenting is overwhelming. It really is an app. It really is a phone with too many apps. Or to your point, it's a desktop computer, and that's running. That's running Final cut. It's exporting movies, Photoshop, and Adobe at.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The same time, and it's doing a software update.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You're like, what the. You know what that makes me think of is I've tried. I can't quite get people on board with how dumb I think it is that we're all, like, on the subway coming here today. Everybody's just looking at their phones, and a shocking number of people are watching videos just with volume.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's amazing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I'm, like, the closest I could get to helping people understand how upset this makes me is I'm like, in the 80s and 90s, in a movie, if you wanted to have it set up that someone was gonna die, but you don't care.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You would show them flipping channels.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

In their apartment in a. In a white undershirt, just like they can't even focus on a channel. Godzilla's gonna step on this guy, and you're gonna cheer.

[Pete Holmes]

You are exactly right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's how you let everyone go. Like, this isn't a contributor.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mike Birbiglia]

This guy can't even focus on television.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. So the modern comp. That's all we. Someone's scrolling. No headphones on.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's all we do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's what used to be.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, that guy is gonna die.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The way he was gonna die. Now it's the only entertainment is flipping around.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great bet.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Thank you. I haven't even looked at my bits. I had one open. Do you want to hear it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What do you got?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Have you noticed in movies all the. All the cool guys swallow their pills without water?

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Why is that? Yeah. Why is that it?

[Mike Birbiglia]

We're such pack animals. We're still animals. And we go, leader is moist. Yeah. Leader doesn't need liquid to swallow his food.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Leader doesn't need liquid. Yeah. No, Somehow. Somehow.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Why is that cool? You addict.

[Pete Holmes]

Denzel popping pills.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Ibuprofen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No. No water. No. There is something to do that in. Whenever I see that in movies, I go, I've never seen that. I've never seen anyone do that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm telling you, eyes that are moist skin, that's moist throat, that's mo. We want wet people.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you done that bit?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. A lot of these are, like, bits that work, but they don't really go anywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like if you paired that with three other things or two other things to make a triplet, that is like, cinematic coolness. Like, I think you could get to the heart of something, which is if you had the pills with no water, the this. The this. You could get to this idea of, like, that we're all kind of. Or you're striving for cinematic coolness. And then it's like, well, why?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's always like the why.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. So I just made a note. It pairs with an old joke about I had. Which is called quiet is cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And it's Denzel. It's also a movie thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Cool people are always quiet. They're like, that's you. That's you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. And what's it? And I go, that's because in a pack animal situation, you're in the jungle, you're in the woods. You don't want to give away your position. Think of a dork. What are you guys doing? You just gave away predators. Now know where we are. That's why the alpha is like, are you good? Are you good? He's taking his pills dry. Like Richard gere in the 90s. Remember when it was cool to just be like, how you doing? Raspy.

[Pete Holmes]

So in the case of that, your two examples. Speaking low. Taking pills without water. There are two examples of. And if you had a third.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These could all pair this together into things that you are not.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, that's right. And that's. The note I would give you is, I'm like, how does this tie to you? And how you. I'm loud, I'm dry. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think, like, it's worth digging into if you want to go real personal on this.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're someone who. And I know that you're obsessed with movies. You know, movies really well. You did that whole Batman sketch series. That was really good. Thanks.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Your.

[Pete Holmes]

Your voice was good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And hl.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Which never interest you.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You auditioned, right?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I. Mulaney was working there, and I was like, you auditioned when Melania's working there? No, I just remember feeling. I didn't ask Mulaney to help me, but I remember dropping my envelope off at 30 roster to, like, not even the SNL.

[Pete Holmes]

To no one. To no one.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It was a human paper shredder.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a paper shredder.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm Jim. I tear things up.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi. Where's the paper shredder? I have my submission for ser Life.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It was a dvd. I don't even remember what was on it. Probably just stand up and some sketches. I. We just went to 30 Rock because that's where there was a juice press. And I was like, val. That's where I. That's, like, where I handed it. And it was just the bellman. It was not. It was like, will you give this to SNL?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Is Mr. Michaels in?

[Pete Holmes]

Clearly to no one.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I was like, I know Mulaney's up there, and in my mind, he's just smoking a cigar, going like, ha, ha. Pete's probably heading in an envelope. What a sucker.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, so hold on. To go back. I know you're obsessed with movies.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are two good examples of things that you are not.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In movies.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like there's something more there.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A third.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a third thing, but also it's the larger question, which is like, how are you never going to be the thing you grew up wanting to be?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, it's also. They're very. Still is the third one. I don't know if it's funny. Can I make it out still?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Although Denzel does, like, interesting acting We've probably talked about this on this podcast, too, where he's always like, all right, all right, all right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. You know, I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, he.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But there's a lot of these movies.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, Denzel is one of these.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And then when he want to still, you're like, oh, shit. You know what I mean? Because he's. He's like, water. And then when the water gets still, it's like the quiet before the storm.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, there's like five movie stars like that in the world, and he's one of them.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Where. He's my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

Where they. Where. When they do almost nothing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's pretty interesting.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, that's what Paul Bettany did my podcast, and he said that was his advice for acting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Do less, do less.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And he was like. I was like, that scene where you found out your dad died. I was so moved. And he was like, watch it again. I'm doing nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I always feel when I watch Tom Cruise. I go like. When people say, like, oh, Tom Cruise is not really doing much, it's like, well, you do it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You try that. That's right. To go back to the bet, I do think there's a vulnerability to go back to. We're talking about vulnerabilities, everything to go back to. Vulnerability of like. Like, I grew up watching.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Denzel and Brad Pitt, and they were quiet, and they didn't take water with their pills, and somehow I ended up being this.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Because it's the opposite of what we're watching.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

We've been watching a town hall in New York City. We've been watching a half hour of.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A clown of a ham.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're talking about these people who you aspire to be and you're clearly not those people. I think there's a lot there.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There's more than all train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets you. You don't mind it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is great. But I think, by the way, good excuse to do the impressions.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

The thing that drives me crazy is when impressionists do bits, and they're not bits, they're just an excuse to do it. Yours is.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's hard is what I've noticed, and this is real inside baseball. I'm going to give myself that note is when I'm performing, you ever go into a. That's my tone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And then you have to stop, relax now you can do Kermit.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to.

[Mike Birbiglia]

If you're doing this and it doesn't work, same with any voice you're doing. You have to, like, reset. I never heard an impressionist talk about. That is you. If you're orating and then you want to do Pacino.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You have to stop.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to drop it, be yourself and then go.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Stop being a stand up. Yeah, yeah. It's weird. That's boring. Unless it's really interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I think it's pretty interesting.

[Mike Birbiglia]

If you're interested, you're probably a performer trying to do impressions in your act.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. This is a bit that I've had that I think is funnier than you ever have this with bit you go, I know this is funny. The audience and I have not clicked on this.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I've talked about this with comedian friends and I'm like, I talked to you about this on the Gary Goleman episode.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm gonna predict it. I'm about to fix this bit. That's what you do for the sizzle. I'm gonna fix this bit tonight at 8.

[Pete Holmes]

What's painful for me about being a bad athlete is that I'm competitive. I'm a fierce competitor who loses.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. The way I would say that is I'm a really competitive person. You don't know what a disappointment it is to be fiercely invested in winning. And God made you like this.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know what I mean? Like, I kind of would flip it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm really competitive.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I want to win. The only problem is I have no talent.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. I have no athletic ability.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And this is my physique.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. This is what I have. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So then I have. I feel like the loser is the unsung contributor to sports. Someone has to lose, and I've been willing to do it for 47 years.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think you're onto something there too. But it's like, I. I think people give losers a hard time. You're winners. You don't exist without me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm your God. You know what I mean? It's like I'm the Michael Jordan of losing.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Everybody that's Michael Jordan of losing is very good.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good turn of phrase.

[Mike Birbiglia]

They, like, walk around and they're like, fucking losers. If I hadn't shown up, you wouldn't have known you were a winner.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, there's gonna be a documentary called the First Dance. It's me with braces the first dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's me with braces trying to jump from the free throw line, making it two feet, throwing the ball into the crowd.

[Pete Holmes]

That's pretty funny.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

The first dance.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The first dance. It's a little late.

[Pete Holmes]

It's me slow dancing with my wife with braces.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I mean, I think there's something really funny and actually kind of profound about it, which is Hollywood is only people telling each other they matter. You know, like I'll tell you, you're real. That's what a lo. The person who loses the game is the person who says, you won the game. I think there's something really. I think so too.

[Pete Holmes]

I think so too.

[Mike Birbiglia]

If I wasn't there, right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a tree. If a tree. It's. If a tree falls in a forest, doesn't make a sound.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If no one's there to hear it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

If Michael Jordan slam dunks a basketball, but there isn't the Knicks.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Or whoever the bad.

[Pete Holmes]

If Bill Laimbeer wasn't there to be dunked on, would. Would anyone have been dunked?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Kid should have posters of bad basketball. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's who you should be worshiping.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Michael Jordan should be writing handwritten thank you cards to the. The Detroit.

[Pete Holmes]

And so then I have. It's not easy losing. You have to get out of bed every morning and put your pants on one leg at a time. And then sometimes that first leg won't go on because you folded it weird the night before. So it's like the leg part is inverted. And then you. You punch through it like in a karate class. And then you try to put on the other leg and you realize that accidentally you left a pen in the pocket. And so now it's like blue and splotchy. And you throw on a shirt that shrunk in the wash so your belly's protruding.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the slightest bit. Which is a metaphor for the wrestling match you're about to lose. And then the final line is, losing doesn't happen in a moment. It happens all day. You need to know when you see a kid lose a wrestling match, he also missed the bus.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's great. Losing is a mindset.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know, you claim it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's not just something we do on the court. It's something we do all day. We do it all day, every day. It takes who we are. You need to say like a coach.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I want you to get up dreaming about losing.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Support for working it out comes from Rula. I'm a huge advocate of therapy. I've said this on the show a lot before. I've been in therapy for 20 plus years. Anyway, Rula is great for providing better access to therapy. No wait lists, no frustrating back and forth. Rula makes it easy to find a mental health provider who's accepting new patients and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. Plus, Rula sticks with you throughout your journey, checking in to make sure your care is helping you move forward, making sure their providers are carefully screened and vetted, monitoring the quality of their care and helping you monitor your progress in therapy. Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey towards improved mental health and overall well being. Head on over to rula.com burbigs to get started today. After you sign up, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Go to r u l a.combrbigs and take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Support for working it out comes from AG1. I really like AG1. It is the daily health drink that combines your multivitamin, pre and probiotics, superfoods and antioxidants into one simple green scoop. It's one of the easiest things you can do to support your body every day. What's your morning routine like? Coffee? Shower? Light Stretching? Well, let me tell you, my morning routine has never been the same since I started with AG1. It's become a foundation of my energy and wellness throughout the day. AG1 Next Gen contains more vitamins and minerals than ever before, and it's clinically shown to fill common nutrient gaps. Don't be ashamed of your nutrient gaps. We all have them. But AG1 Next Gen is here to help you fill those gaps. AG1 has their best offer ever. If you head to drink ag1.comforbigs, you'll get a welcome kit, a morning person hat, a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2, an AG1 flavor sampler, and you'll get to try their new sleep cyc supplement agz for free. Wow. This is a great deal. That's drinkag1.com brewbigs for $126 in free gifts for new subscribers. Can you tell me the joke you were about to say?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes. Okay, so it's a story. It's a true story. So it starts with this observation. I go like I think it's so Funny. When you go to Canada, they act like it's like a real thing. They're like, there's like customs and passports. There's a big line you have to wait in.

[Pete Holmes]

They scan your bag again, and I'm.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Like, it's like, you're. We're touching. America and Canada are touching. It's too close. It's like going up into your attic. And there's a cop that's like, slow down for me. Hold on. I'm like, move aside, ketchup chips. I'm coming in. So that's the first part. It's fine. And then I go, I'm gonna tell you every part of the story. There's definitely parts we could cut. I was traveling back and forth to Toronto like, four, five, six times. My body was wrecked. I needed a massage so badly. My friend Natasha Leggero, who's also in this movie, said, you should go to this massage place that's right by our house. That's important. A woman vetted it. She went. I said, it's not like a weird place. She was like, no, wonderful. It's like, great. I'm dying for a massage. I go in. Doesn't seem fishy at all. It's nice. Go in the room. You take off all your clothes. They tell you take off all your clothes. That's normal. Get on the mat or the table. And I was like, she was dressed a little sexy. She wasn't dressed super sexy. Could have been like a normal, just like a sex sexy person. And the way that I started to put together that it might be untoward, it might be a hand job place was she. I think this line is great. She was very cavalier about not covering my naked ass. She kept, like, whooping, and my ass would just be out. So I had open air hams. She just kept like, she wants to do my leg. And the whole ass out. Works the leg. Ass is just out. Just left it out. And my.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I'm like, early red flag.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She can see Huey Lewis in the news. They're being squished. It's that rare, rarely seen.

[Pete Holmes]

She can see Huey Lewis in the.

[Mike Birbiglia]

News, dick on bottom. But she's giving me, this is key, the best massage I've ever gotten in my life. It was unbelievable. It was a little sensual. Like, every once in a while she'd scratch or something you're not supposed to do. And I start praying, don't ask me if I want a hand job.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, God.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I've never been asked in my life. Except one other Time in Amsterdam. But this is, you know, Toronto.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Like, please. Because it's so good. I'm like, I will come here every day, literally, because it's like 50 bucks if you don't do this. It's like ending a date with. Can I tell you about my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ? Like, don't ruin this.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Mike Birbiglia]

She flips me over now. She's very cavalier about letting my dick come out. Oh. Like, just every once in a while. Now, I'm happy about this. Here's why. Because I'm flaccid. I'm so flaccid.

[Pete Holmes]

Flaccid and proud.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So proud to be flaccid. I go, bro, I'm the Elvis Presley of not getting an erection. I have never gotten an involuntary erection in my life. Every erection I've ever gotten is the two key simultaneous turn. Executive order. The Siegfried and Roy of keeping it.

[Pete Holmes]

I've heard that about you, bro.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The lesser comedian I think, would say sometimes even when I want one, I don't. But I think that's implied. I'm telling you, I'm soft and I'm proud.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy do that part as part.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Of the I should, because that's funny. I think that's implied.

[Pete Holmes]

That's implied.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But I'm saying the flaccid is the no. You know what I'm saying?

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's a hard no or a soft no.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's very good. So she didn't speak English very well, and she pointed at my penis and she went, do you want here? Oh, she didn't say all those words.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, sure, sure.

[Mike Birbiglia]

This is the part where it gets tense. I'm like. I'm not saying. Everybody sounds like. This woman sounds. This person said this. She went, you want this? She didn't even say all those words. She went, want this? And I said, no. I was like, no, thank you. And I'm like, fuck. And she was like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm like, no, it's okay. But in my mind, and this is the kind of people I think we both are, the massage was so good. I was rehearsing my compliment because I had been to the Four Seasons three nights prior, and her massage was 10 times better than the Four Seasons massage. And that's what I was gonna tell her because this little dingy place. I couldn't wait to tell this woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Fantastic.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I just wanted to be like, you're incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

What a talent.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What a talent.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I wanted to. I'm not trying to be Mr. Rogers. I'm just saying I couldn't wait to brighten her day, hopefully, and just be like, you're fantastic. And then she said that. I'm like, no. Now she seems embarrassed, but she keeps doing it. Still fantastic. Then she leaves, and I'm like, I'm still gonna tell her my ten times better than the Four Seasons compliment. I go out, she's not there, she's gone. Then I go up to, like, the madam. I don't know, the manager.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, sure.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And the only way I can communicate to this woman how amazing she was was to tip her. So I tipped 100%. It was 70 bucks.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I tipped 100. I gave 140 bucks. And then I realized everyone in the waiting room just thinks that guy just got banned.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. You know, it's confirmation bias.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The woman was like, oh. I was like, I want to tip 100%. She was like, wow. And all the guys in sweatpants that were waiting were like, class act, bro. Class act. I'd also like to point out when I went in, a couple was leaving. What did they have done?

[Pete Holmes]

And at the end of you going nuts like this. Yeah. You say to the audience, and I'm trying to be like, Denzel.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Denzel would be like, nah, nah, nah, nah. You want to do that? No, no, baby. I don't know what he would do. What would Denzel do?

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say about the Denzel Brad Pitt, like, sort of like, I want to be a movie star thing. I think that if you can get that working, I actually think I could call back all over the show. And the reason why I think that is that all these stories like you in this massage parlor, are you being insane and big? And then I think you can always go back to the movie stars.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I can't picture Denzel turning down a hand job. You want to hear my one AI? Bet I haven't tried. It's like a one liner. You can get really worried about AI. And you know how I comfort myself? This is real. I go, please be a Y2K, please.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great joke.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Can it just be a Y2K?

[Pete Holmes]

Please? Do a Y2K, please.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Be a Y2K, please.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

How happy would you. No notes if in five years we were like, it was a Y2K kind of thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's not going to make movies.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It didn't do anything.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not going to replace Our family members.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It stopped where it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Please be a Y2K.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. I actually have something on the heels of the Canada thing, which is, I think to make the Canada thing augment augmented a little bit, I would say. We think that Canada is our attic and they think we're the basement.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Basement.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, the haunted basement. And. And no. And so no one's on the ground floor.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, it's. It's like here.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. Because I think, like, the. The Canada thing. Like, I mean, I've played there a bunch in the last year.

[Mike Birbiglia]

They like it there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But I think, like, acknowledging also that we're the basement is not.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, yeah, we're your flooded basement.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I. I do. Yeah, we're your flooded basement.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Don't go down there.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that. One time I was approached by a sex worker in the hotel lounge in Minnesota. I don't know for sure, but this woman started talking to me at a hotel bar when I was grabbing a chicken sandwich to go. And I don't know for sure, but we were talking and then she was right next to my face. And then out of nowhere she goes, you're left handed, huh? And I go, yeah. And she goes, I've never understood that. And I go, yeah, I don't know. And then I left. We didn't have sex, but in a way we did because we participated in an awkward conversation, which is a type of intimate act.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the part that's the joke, actually. That part's just really the setup. It seems like I'm a prime candidate for sex work clientele because I'm sort of boring looking and it seems like I could use a jolt.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, you do look like a guy that coffee doesn't work on.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good tag.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You look like a haggard salesman that took the train. The local.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I wrote. But I guess I had never been given an angle like that hot take she had on being left handed. And then I wrote this. And I wonder whether if we had had sex, there would have been a moment where she goes, now do it with your left hand. And I'd be like, I knew there was a spark.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Yeah. I was waiting for left to come back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's. It's a way. By the way, it's a way too long bit for. How much of a joke is there? There's not much there.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'll just do it. Let's just. I'm just gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna do the.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The me? Yeah, yeah. No, I'll do it as me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, as you.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. What's the first line?

[Pete Holmes]

I've never. I was approached by a sex worker at a hotel bar.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I was at a hotel bar. I. I think I. I was approached by a sex worker. At least I think I was. I can't be sure because we didn't have sex. I didn't know if she was working, but she. I was ordering a coffee and I turned around and she's right there, which doesn't normally happen. And she said, are you left handed? I can't do it. I can't make it funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I respect that. I respect that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I started doing.

[Pete Holmes]

You were trying to cut words and you weren't cutting words. And I was like, you're in trouble.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know. That was interesting, though.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good exercise.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I've never done someone else's bit and gone like, there's nothing in this room. I don't think for you. I think you could do it maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been in my notebook for a little bit.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She said, are you left handed? And I was like, I guess this woman's taking some sort of survey. Then I said, no. And she said, I've never really understood handedness.

[Pete Holmes]

I find this hurtful.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It is hurtful.

[Pete Holmes]

I find this impression hurtful.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I find this hurtful.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Have you been outside?

[Pete Holmes]

I was with you outside moments ago. Final thing we do is working out for cause. Although in this case, there's going to be a little bonus thing for the premium subscribers where PD and I work out jokes. If people subscribe to the premium feed there, they can hear us working on the jokes of people. Listeners of the show sent in the audio of their jokes. We're going to punch them up.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

That's in the premium. So the final thing we do is working out for a cause. In the past, you've contributed to Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles, which is a great, A great organization. And I'm assuming you'll say again, it just so happens kismet there. I contributed them last time. Their mail just showed up today.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Literature is great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I love Homeboy. I recommend he has a new book. Father Greg Boyle, the founder, has a new book called Cherished Belonging. I listen to his books before I do stand up because I find opening my heart is more important than like rehearsing the words.

[Pete Holmes]

That's beautiful.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And he opened nothing. It's like he casts a spell. It's not religious. I mean, there's some religious language, but it's very it's for everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's very Mr. Rogers y in that way. It might mention the existence of some sort of God. But it's very beautiful and anybody will enjoy it.

[Pete Holmes]

And Homeboy Industries, if I'm not mistaken, employs people who were formerly in prison.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, it's the largest gang rehabilitation program in America. And it's really putting into practice the idea of unconditional love. And it'll floor you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fantastic.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's like, what if we tried that? What if we really tried that? And it'll blow you away.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's beautiful. We'll contribute to them. We'll link to them in the show notes. And we're gonna record some stuff right now and have it on the other side. Working it out.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Cause it's not done.

[Pete Holmes]

We're working it out because there's no. That's gonna do it. For another episode of Working it out, you can follow Pete Holmes on Instagram at Pete Holmes. But who would want to? You can get his podcast. You made it weird. Wherever you listen to podcasts. Last year he was in a movie called the Best Christmas Pageant Ever, which we talked about on the Christmas episode last year. It's a really good Christmas movie that my family and I really enjoyed. Fun for the whole family. You can stream that movie now. Check out birdbigs.com to sign up for the mailing list. To be the first to know about my upcoming shows, you can watch the full video of this episode on our YouTube channel, ikeberbiglia. You can subscribe and that way you'll get all the new videos. We're posting more and more videos. Our producers are working it out are myself, along with Peter Salomon, Joseph Birbiglia, Mabel Lewis and Gary Simons. Sound mix by Shub Sarin. Supervising engineer Kate Balinsky. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. As always, special thanks to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein, and our daughter Uno, who built the original Radio 4 made of pillows. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. We appreciate you so much. If you're enjoying the show, please rate us and review us on Apple Podcasts. It really helps. We've made 200 episodes at this point, all free. No paywall. Check them out and then you can write in the thing which is your favorite episode. That helps people figure out where to begin. Thanks most of all to you who are listening. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell Pete Holmes. Tell Pete Holmes that there's a podcast out there that's a little more entertaining than his podcast. It's called Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out. I'm sure he'll like that. We'll see you next time. But his podcast is great, too, don't get me wrong.