Azadeh Atzberger: Born Into War, Broken by Narcissistic Abuse, and How She Rebuilt Her Life From the Ground Up

Summary

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Podcast Summary:

Miss Understood with Rachel Uchitel

Guest: Azadeh Atzberger

Episode: Born Into War, Broken by Narcissistic Abuse, and How She Rebuilt Her Life From the Ground Up

Date: April 18, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this raw and honest episode, Rachel Uchitel sits down with Azadeh Atzberger, a transformation coach and survivor, to share a powerful firsthand account of growing up amid political upheaval in Iran, navigating a dysfunctional family system, and surviving cycles of abuse—including narcistic abuse and domestic violence. The episode focuses on the lived experiences behind major headlines, exploring how trauma shapes lives, the stigma survivors face, and the ways Azadeh rebuilt her life. The conversation is meant to reveal the human story beyond the headlines, offering hope for healing and second chances.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Growing Up in a War Zone

• Born Into Chaos

  • Azadeh recounts her birth into the heart of the Iranian revolution—surrounded by riots, violence, and instability.
  • “I literally was born into a war zone… as a little girl, I didn't understand what was going on. So I asked my parents, and they say, it's a party. Everyone's having a party. Everything's fine.” (03:13)
  • Vivid memories include driving with her mother as “bodies falling on the car, fighting, screaming in front of us.” (03:33)

• Family Life & Emotional Neglect

  • Despite being safe from physical violence at home, Azadeh describes a lack of emotional connection:
  • “I felt like a plant in the house that just got watered. There was no real interaction, emotion, empathy, connection…” (04:57)

• Cultural Context: Arranged Marriage

  • Her parents’ marriage was arranged after knowing each other for only a week (06:07), with her mother 19 and her father 34 at the time (07:05).
  • Discussion about gender norms, taboos around divorce, and ways in which these family patterns influenced Azadeh’s own life and relationships (07:16).

2. Migration and Bullying in America

• Migrant Trauma Compounded by Bullying

  • Her family fled to America due to the revolution and violence, but Azadeh quickly found herself bullied in school because of her Iranian heritage.
  • “I was called Ayatollah’s daughter… I learned to navigate that bullying just to survive.” (11:00-11:19)
  • Describes pretending to put on makeup in high school “to look busy” because of isolation (11:19).

• Lack of Maternal Bonding

  • The absence of mother-daughter connection continued, which influenced her emotional survival strategies and substance use:
  • “I knew at a very young age [my mom] was not safe and she could not understand, so I had to navigate my own way… I started using and drinking in high school right away too.” (11:55-12:22)

3. The Turning Point: Surviving Narcissistic and Domestic Abuse

• Abusive Relationship and Breaking Point

  • Azadeh details a harrowing day when she discovered her boyfriend’s secret tapes and confronted him:
  • “The mask slipped, rage came out… we’re in the car… he’s starting to drive on sidewalks, getting really close to pedestrians because now he’s raged.” (13:17)
  • She manages to escape but not before he assaults her:
  • “He grabbed my hand… and broke a beer bottle over my face. I still have the stitches here.” (13:56)

• Institutional Stigma and Family Reaction

  • At the hospital, instead of receiving empathy, she’s questioned about drugs or weapons:
  • “This is the stigma of domestic violence… that’s not the first question you should be asking a young girl in her 20s that has blood all over her face.” (14:46)
  • Her family’s response is cold and directive. Her mother leaves her at a mental institution for 10 days:
  • “They took me to a mental institute and left me there for 10 days. That day was the hardest day of my entire life.” (15:52)

4. Path to Healing and Rebuilding

• Recovery
  • Azadeh tries to return to her abuser once more but finally finds safety and healing in rehab:
  • “Back then it was a home in San Clemente called Casa del Cerro… I lived there for 90 days, got off the drugs, and they helped me stay away from him.” (16:05)
  • During recovery, she experiences acceptance:
  • “They loved me, they supported me… They didn’t care I was from Iran, didn’t care I was beat up by a malignant, narcissistic man.” (16:37)

5. Creating a Purpose-Driven Life

• Becoming a Coach
  • After multiple miscarriages, Azadeh pivots from the wish of becoming a mother to helping others:
  • “I decided I’m going to go back to school and help battered women.” (19:01)
  • Azadeh now specializes in coaching survivors, couples, and women in regaining their power, leveraging her personal healing as the foundation for helping others:
  • “If you don’t have the experience and healed from it, you don’t have it. So I can connect to them in a way that they understand.” (19:35)
  • She’s authored a book—The 12 Steps of Narcissistic Abuse—to provide accessible support for those struggling to afford therapy (20:20).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Our relational template is laid from age 1 to 7... Such a grooming for later in life." – Azadeh (04:15)
• “I still don’t really know how old I am, Rachel.” – Azadeh, on navigating immigration paperwork and age (07:50)
• “I felt like a plant in the house that just got watered. There was no real interaction, emotion, empathy, connection.” – Azadeh (04:57)
• “That day was the hardest day of my entire life.” – Azadeh, on being left in a mental institution after her assault (15:52)
• “If you don’t have the experience and healed from it, you don’t have it.” – Azadeh, on coaching survivors (19:35)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Episode Theme – 00:00–02:11
• Azadeh’s Early Life & Family Context – 03:11–05:22
• Arranged Marriage & Immigration – 06:07–10:24
• Bullying in America & Early Trauma – 10:24–12:22
• Narcissistic Abuse & Assault Story – 12:46–15:52
• Recovery Journey – 16:05–17:14
• Pivot to Coaching and Advocacy – 18:22–20:53

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Tone & Conversational Style

Rachel Uchitel leads the conversation with empathy, curiosity, and candor, frequently pausing to validate Azadeh’s experiences and asking direct but compassionate questions about culture, trauma, and social stigma. Azadeh is open, self-aware, and reflective, alternating between succinct summaries and vivid, emotional storytelling.

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Final Reflection

This episode provides a deeply personal look at how conflict, cultural expectations, and abuse intersect—and how resilience, healing, and reclaiming one’s narrative are not just possible, but necessary. Azadeh’s journey from the violence of revolution and personal trauma to transformation and advocacy stands as both a cautionary tale and a beacon of hope for those misunderstood and oversimplified by the world’s headlines.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back to Misunderstood, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. I want to take a minute to thank all of our listeners. And if you don't mind, please take a second to write a review. Go to Apple, write something in YouTube. But those reviews help us a lot with the algorithms. Give us five stars. If you ever want to touch base with us, please email us@prissy media.com or also you can DM me personally, which is Rachel Ukatel, NYC. Today, we're having a very sensitive conversation, and honestly, a complicated one, because what's happening right now between the United States and Iran, it's not officially being called a war in the traditional sense, but it's also not, not a war. We're seeing escalation, retaliation, and a very fragile moment where things could either stabilize or spiral. There are negotiations happening quietly behind the scenes, global pressure building, and a real sense that the world is watching. So we're living in this strange space, not quite at peace, not fully at war. And that's why today's guest matters, because most of us are experiencing this through the headlines and social media. While Azadeh Asperger, our next guest, has lived the reality of what it means to come from a place shaped by this conflict. She understands the human side of this in a way most of us never will. She's not here to debate politics. She's here to give us a perspective, to remind us that behind every headline, every escalation, every breaking news alert are real people, real lives and stories that don't fit neatly into a narrative. So today we're going beyond what's happening and into what it actually feels like. Please enjoy my conversation with Azadeh Atsberger.

[B]

Azadeh, thank you so much for joining me today on Misunderstood. How are you?

[C]

I'm great. Thank you so much, Rachel, for having me.

[B]

Oh, it's such an honor. So where are you coming from today?

[C]

I am in Southern California, Mission Viejo.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing. So I'm really glad to have you here. You are someone that has made such a life for yourself after going through a lot of challenges that most people don't even have to go through their entire lives. You went through things very at a very young age, which has allowed you the pla, like, the ability to shape what you do based on your own personal experience, which is pretty amazing. So I want to, you know, obviously get into all the things that you teach and your expertise, but before we do that, I want to tell people who you were. You grew up in Iran, right? Can you how long were you there? Can you talk about your childhood and so we understand where you came from?

[C]

Absolutely. Rachel. I was born in Tehran, Iran, and I literally was born into a war zone. The revolution was going on. There was riots outside, chaos, screaming bombs. And as a little girl, as a little girl, I didn't understand what was going on. So I asked my parents, and they say, it's a party. Everyone's having a party. Everyone, everything's great, everything's fine. And I remember being in the car with my mom driving to the store, and bodies falling on the car, fighting, screaming in front of us. We were just navigating our way into the. Into the road. But this was just. This is what I saw. This was my introduction to the world is riots and violence.

[B]

Wow. So when you grow up in that kind of environment, do you think that's normal? Does it not raise your heart rate at all when you see that kind of chaos?

[C]

Such a good question. Because what I've learned is that our relational template is laid from age 1 to 7. So when it's shut down, when there's chaos, violence, when it's shut down and soothed to see a perception of what it's really not, it is such a grooming for later in life.

[B]

Interesting.

[C]

Okay. Yes.

[B]

Wow. All right, so. So all this chaos is going around you. Did you have an actual home that felt safe within the walls?

[C]

Safety in the sense of no violence yet, but absolutely. I felt like a plant in the house that just got watered. There was no real interaction, emotion, empathy, connection, just like a plant. So safety in the sense of the violence wasn't coming in, but the nurture, nourishment was not available.

[B]

I. And then, maybe this is a totally ignorant question, but I just have no idea what it looks like. Can you paint a picture? Are you guys living in dust and smoke because there's so much chaos going on, or are you living in a really luxe house, an apartment? Are there colors? Are there sounds beyond the bombs? Is there music? Like what? Paint a picture of what that was? Like?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we were on a street that was tri level. We were on the third level. And this was very normal back then to be in these, like, duplexes outside. We lived across the street from a little convenience store. We were then. We were like middle class. Although I grew up in Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, then in Iran, it was. We were like a middle class starting out because my parents. My parents were still getting to know each other, so because they were an arranged marriage. So I'M going a little bit sidebar here. They knew each other a week before they got married. Arranged marriage.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah. Talk about.

[B]

We need to go down that rabbit hole for a second.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

So how old were they?

[C]

So today my father will be 94, next this in two weeks, and my mom will be 78.

[B]

Are they still married?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Are they allowed to get a divorce?

[C]

Yeah, but it's. They're allowed, but it's culturally, it's very tabooed.

[B]

And they live in America now.

[C]

Yeah, I moved. I literally. My husband and I moved here to be five minutes from them as they're aging.

[B]

Got it. Okay, well, that's nice. So, okay, so how old were they when they both got into this arranged marriage?

[C]

Okay, so I think my mom was like 19, and he was, let's see, 17, 18 years. So he's like 34. 30, 35. Ish. Wild, right?

[B]

Wait, is that normal that the. That the male is so much older?

[C]

Yes, all. And ultimately I followed that pattern. My husband will be 69 this month, and I'm. So here's another piece. I think I'm 53. I could be 52. And the wild thing about that, and I know we're going kind of sideways here, is when we moved here to the United States, my parents made me older so I could get into a grade higher. That's kind of like the mentality. So I still don't really know how old I am. Rachel.

[B]

So you've never seen like a birth certificate?

[C]

No, I'm a citizen. Right, right. So my, My mom, it's just even recently, she used to say, we came here when you were seven. Recently, I've caught her saying five, which makes sense. So I think I'm. I think I'm 52.

[B]

Wow. Oh, my God. All right, so wait, and in an arranged marriage, like, have you ever talked to your parents about whether or not they were ever in love before they were in each other's presence?

[C]

Yeah. Well, yes, they are. Gosh, no. Love, Absolutely. I don't think so. I think it was a business arrangement.

[B]

But I mean, had they met other people before they met each other so that they knew what love was? Do you know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, not her, for sure. Not her. Him. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I mean, he's. He probably had, you know, dating, one night stands kind of thing. He's at age 34. Her. She was never been with anybody ever, ever, ever, ever. Not even a date. Nothing. Zero. He was it.

[B]

Wow. And so do you ever talk to her about this? Was she scared? Was she, like, how long after they got married were you born?

[C]

Yeah, so she was scared. But. So here's the deal. She, back then knew that she wanted to marry a doctor. So my father is a doctor. And she knew she wanted to marry a doctor. And so there was like 10 guys that wanted her. And she had the opportunity to discuss and say, I want the one that's a doctor. Okay, so, so it was. And then the two families, Parents got together and decided if this was a good thing, if this was an agreement.

[B]

Okay. And then the good thing meant what? Like someone came with the dowry and someone came with a fertile womb. Like, how does that work? Just.

[C]

Just the fact that he's educated and he can provide and he has, you know, he's a doctor. He's very well known in the Persian community. And.

[B]

And the male family picks the woman based on her fertility and her looks for having a child.

[C]

Yes, Fertility, looks, age that she's so young.

[B]

And has your mom ever worked or do they not want women to work?

[C]

Oh, gosh, she's a. She's a powerhouse. She storks. Oh, still works. Yeah, yeah, she still works.

[B]

So what made you guys move to

[C]

America, land of freedom? The revolution, the insanity, you know, the chaos, the violence. But, you know, now that I think about it, Rachel, it was just another color of violence. Crazy insanity. Because when I moved here during the revolution, I went. I was pushed right into school when back then, kids are so mean with the war going on. I was bullied all throughout elementary school and in high school. So it was like from one to another.

[B]

Wow. But bullied about what? What did.

[C]

For being Persian, for being. There was a war. I was called Ayatollah's daughter. Oh, God. Do you remember?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Terrible.

[C]

Terrible. So, you know, I learned. I learned how to navigate that.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Bullying and to survive. Because there was a lot of days in high school I would eat lunch and pretend like I'm putting on makeup in high school to look like I was busy putting on makeup. Not that I didn't have friends and I was hiding, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I hate that. Like, I have a 13 year old now, and I feel invested in, like, what happens during her day if people let her sit with them at lunch. You know what I mean? Like, I always get nervous about all those things that when we were younger, was the big deal, like how scary being at school could be, because it could be just really hard.

[C]

It's so hard. And that's why I love the picture with you and your daughter, because I sense a bond, I sense a connection. I didn't feel that with my mom. Not that it's her fault. We're not blamed gaming here, but I didn't feel it. And I knew at a very young age she was not safe or she could understand. So I had to navigate my own way through some survival mechanisms to. To find my way through this process. But I started using and drinking in high school right away too.

[B]

Right, right. So tell us more, a little bit about what you got to this platform where now you are the one that's making a difference and changing other people's lives who are going through abuse, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, all these different things. What else did you have to go through for you to know? Hey, I. I have now learned something from this. I want to take what I've. What's happened to me and help other people.

[C]

Absolutely. So it's. It all happened in one day. In one day. I was with a boyfriend, doing a lot of drugs with him. And he came over to my house the night before that. I had found tapes of him recording us having sex. I found tapes of him having sex with men. I found tapes of him having sex with other women. And the next day he came to pick me up. I confronted him. So what happened was when I confronted him, the mask slipped, rage came out because I said, I found like, are you gay? Are you homosexual? And the confrontation of his behavior flipped him into rage. So we're in the car driving Rachel in Newport beach, and I'm getting scared for my life because he's starting to drive on the sidewalks. He's getting really close to pedestrians because now he's raged. So I said, hey, pull over. I'm going to get us some beer another way, just like I did in high school, found a way to get out. So when he pulled over, I opened the door to get out. He grabbed my hand, pulled the beer bottle, pure beer bottle, out of his lap and broke it over my face.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

I still have the stitches here.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And I. I was like windshield wiping my face with the blood. He took off. The guy behind me called the police. He got pulled over, went to jail. They took me to the hospital. And then the hospital was like, do you have drugs or a gun or a needle on you? Not seeing. All the blood dried on my face. Not seeing. And this is, this is the stigma of domestic violence. This is the stigma of victims that we could talk about all those things. And I get that, but that's not the first question you should be asking a young girl in her 20s that. That has blood all over her face.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And so I called my mom. I'm like, mom, I'm in the hospital. Can you come pick me up? And she's like, she didn't come for, like, eight hours. And when she did come, they did pick me up. They started to drive down the street, and I noticed they're not going home. Addicted to drugs, Victim of domestic violence Young girl. I decided, I'm gonna end my life. I opened the door to jump out, and she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's. We'll go home. We'll go home. So we go home and the boy.

[B]

Wait. Where do you think she was taking you to? Like a rehab?

[C]

Yeah, like something like, I don't know, somewhere that was not familiar. And we get home and she hits answering machine. Back then we had answering machines. And it's the wife screaming, you homewrecker. You this, you that. And my parents were like, we can't. Because the guy I was with, of course he lied. Told me he's in the middle of a divorce. Of course he told me all these things. So the mom, the wife is leaving these messages.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And so they're like, we can't have you. You can't stay here. So they took me to a mental institute and left me there for 10 days. That day was the hardest day of my entire life. My entire life. I want to tell you. I got sober and didn't go back to him. I did go back to him one more time. And then I realized I couldn't even be in his presence without, like, shaking. And I got sober. I got off drugs, alcohol, left him, but I went. See, back then, there was not all this rehab where you have insurance and pay half a million dollars. Back then it was a home in San Clemente called Casa del Cerro. I lived there. They let me in. I lived there for 90 days, got off the drugs, and they helped me stay away from him. And then I really recreated my life. They loved me, they supported me. We had chores, we went to meetings. We did this, we did that. And I, you know, I got the love, I got the understanding. They didn't care. I was from Iran, right? Didn't care. I was beat up by a malignant, narcissistic man. Sex addict, all the above. They didn't care, you know?

[D]

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[B]

Wow. So obviously there was this specific moment you knew that you needed to pivot in your life. So once you got clean, once you realized and were educated about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, is that when you started to create a life for yourself in this space or was that many years later?

[C]

Well, that was some years later. I. My husband and I tried to get pregnant and I had had two. I've had. I was pregnant. I had been pregnant three times now and couldn't have a child. So I decided that I'm going to go back to school and help battered woman.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

So I went back to school, got a degree and decided that I'm going to help women that, that have walked the walk. I have.

[B]

Right. And how has your personal journey changed the way that you coach? Because now you coach people, you do speeches, you do, you know, you help people publish books. But within your personal journey, what do you think that, how do you think that makes you different as a coach than someone else?

[C]

I really am really, really strong and stand on this. If you don't have the exper experience and healed from it, you don't have it. So I can, I can connect to them in a way that they understand.

[A]

They understand.

[B]

And are you mostly talking to people that are in narcissistic, abusive relationships or domestic violence? Like, what is your core?

[C]

Right, right. No, no, it's. I help people with their branding. I help people in abusive relationships. I also, and I don't really talk about this because I only take three couples a year. I also do couples counseling. So I take two to three couples a year that I help bring connection, intimacy, love back.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So I do several. I do several different things. Narcissistic abuse. I do help. And that's why I created My book, the 12 Steps of Narcissistic Abuse, because a lot of them are in a financial place with financial abuse and can't afford. Can't. Can't. So I created that for them to be able to heal at home. But no, I do multiple different things. I help women in getting their power back, reclaiming their femininity. So it's a variety of things, but all the areas, though, that I have walked through.

[B]

Right, exactly. Things that you know firsthand about. We're going to stop here briefly, as

[A]

you've been listening to a teaser from today's episode that is out on Patreon. To continue this episode with Azadeh, please go to our Patreon, which is in the link below. You're not going to want to miss the end of the episode. Thank you so much.