Miss Understood with Rachel Uchitel
Episode: The Ick Factor: Why It Happens and What to Do About It
Guest: Matt Hussey (Therapist and Journalist)
Date: December 1, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Rachel Uchitel sits down with London-based therapist and journalist Matt Hussey to unpack the “ick” factor in dating and relationships—a phenomenon describing a sudden, visceral feeling of revulsion toward a partner or potential partner, often triggered by minor quirks or behaviors. The conversation explores the psychological roots of the ick, its impact on connection and intimacy, and practical strategies for understanding and responding to it. The aim is not just to recount funny dating stories, but to illuminate what the ick reveals about ourselves, our attachments, and how we can build healthier, more compassionate relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining the "Ick" (01:34, 11:25)

• Matt Hussey: “The really defining characteristic of the ick is it’s very, very sudden. It’s a sudden revulsion or repulsion to another person, typically a person who we are attracted to.”
• The term entered mainstream culture around 2017, popularized by British reality TV star Olivia Attwood.
• The ick can happen in romantic, professional, or even familial contexts.

2. Why Does the Ick Happen? (02:10, 12:40)

Matt Hussey breaks down three core origins for the ick:

• Evolutionary Psychology: Humans have a disgust response to avoid harmful things; this response can spill over into social situations (13:05).
• Projection and Bias: The ick may reflect something we dislike or fear in ourselves—when seen in another, it provokes a strong reaction (13:05).
  • Example: If someone mispronounces a French dish, it may trigger embarrassment in us about our own fear of looking foolish (15:01).
• Attachment Styles: For some, the ick is a defense mechanism to avoid intimacy (13:05). It allows people to justify ending things before relationships get too close.

3. How The Ick Plays Out (16:04–18:17)

• Small gestures, habits, or failed social moves can trigger the ick, causing a sudden collapse of attraction.
• Pop culture has long referenced this phenomenon (e.g., Seinfeld, Ally McBeal, and Greek & English literature).
• Example: Elaine’s infamous dance in Seinfeld—a previously attractive character quickly becomes unappealing due to one off-putting incident (29:35).

4. Is It a Red Flag or Just “The Ick”? (22:23, 24:19)

• Matt Hussey: There's a difference between a superficial ick and something deeper that signals incompatibility or a true red flag.
• Surface-level icks: Chewing, pronunciation, quirky habits (22:23).
• Deeper issues: How someone handles conflict, talks about others, or underlying values.
• Evaluate if the discomfort lingers and what it signifies. Reflect: Is it about them—or about your own values and fears?

5. The Amplification of Ick in Modern Dating (24:35, 28:37)

• Dating culture and apps have made people more prone to the ick, with abundant choice prompting disposable attitudes toward connection.
  • “If this person isn’t exactly what I want, get rid of them.” (28:37)
• The ick is often shared as entertainment—stories for friends or social media—sometimes exaggerated for effect.

6. Psychological Dynamics & Idealization (32:56, 33:14)

• Initial romantic excitement can lead to idealizing a partner.
• The ick may occur when reality shatters that fantasy: “The fantasy of the person runs away from the lived experience… at some point those two lines snap back together.” (33:14)
• Alternatively, the ick can be a defensive response against progressing toward deeper intimacy.

7. Handling the Ick: Reflection & Communication (34:50–36:39)

• Rather than ghosting or ending things abruptly, Matt encourages self-reflection (“sit with it for a bit”).
• If the ick persists, consider naming it gently in conversation, owning your feelings to foster openness without shaming.
  • “For us to talk about it, we have to own it first… I just want to explain because you may have noticed I suddenly went a bit cold…” (35:52–36:27)

8. When to Trust the Ick and Walk Away (38:00)

• Trust your instincts when it comes to core value misalignments or clear disrespect (e.g., rudeness toward staff, demeaning exes).
• Stay curious: Occasionally, an “ick” might be a misunderstanding or nerves, and can be addressed through dialogue.
  • “You can either go, I’m going to stop you right there and just end the date… or you could be curious and ask, ‘Why do you think it’s important to tell me how much you hate your ex?’” (38:00)

9. Building Connection: Avoiding Snap Judgments (40:43)

• Culture encourages drawing lines and declaring deal-breakers, which can offer short-term satisfaction but long-term isolation.
• Meaningful relationships require seeing past initial discomforts and working through differences.
  • “Very, very rarely do people fit together right away. It takes work. It takes arguments… but we kept talking. And what we found is their version of the story allowed us to see past it or accept it or forgive it.” (40:43)

10. Green Flags That Matter More Than the Ick (43:26)

Matt’s three top green flags:

1. Curiosity—about you, the world, and life in general.
2. Willingness to Admit Mistakes: “It shows you there’s someone you can work with.”
3. Empathy: Not just for inner circle, but for strangers and even those outside direct experience. - “Empathy, the willingness to listen and try to hold the experience of somebody else…” (44:36)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the nature of the ick:
  “Once you’ve caught it, it takes over your body.” – Matt Hussey (01:41)

• On therapist-client relationships:
  “Are we trying to be nice here, or are we trying to be therapeutic? And they are not always the same thing.” – Matt Hussey (09:29)

• On projection and self-awareness:
  “If someone mispronounces Chateaubriand and doesn’t own it, that little gap… can be about us and our own sense of, like, being humiliated or stupid.” – Matt Hussey (15:01)

• Cultural differences and the ick:
  “In certain cultures… the last thing you do is volunteer that you made a mistake. The ick can be felt stronger in some cultures than others…” – Matt Hussey (31:47)

• On modern dating’s disposability:
  “Everything’s transactional. I don’t have to try very hard. If this person isn’t exactly what I want them to be, get rid of them.” – Matt Hussey (28:37)

• On working through discomfort:
  “If we’re always reaching for, throwing someone away... because of these small things, that might feel good for about 10 seconds, but then we’re still alone.” – Matt Hussey (40:43)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:34] – Defining the ick: its sudden and visceral nature
• [11:25–13:05] – Three psychological causes for the ick
• [15:00–16:41] – The role of projection and personal hang-ups
• [18:17] – The ick in pop culture and its mainstreaming since 2017
• [22:23–24:19] – Surface-level vs. deep-rooted icks and red flags
• [24:35, 28:37] – Modern dating, online apps, and amplification of the ick
• [32:56, 33:14] – The collapse from idealization to reality
• [34:50–36:39] – Practical strategies for handling and communicating about the ick
• [38:00] – When to trust the ick and walk away (value-based deal-breakers)
• [43:26, 44:36] – Three green flags that matter more than the ick

Final Thoughts

Rachel and Matt urge listeners to move beyond snap, fear-based dating decisions and to embrace discomfort as an opportunity for deeper understanding—of both oneself and others. While the ick can signal a real incompatibility, often it’s a mirror reflecting our own unresolved issues, expectations, or cultural scripts. By responding with curiosity, honesty, and compassion, we can transform moments of revulsion into chances for growth and genuine connection.

Find Matt Hussey:

• Instagram: @Husseyhh
• Specialties: Trauma, anxiety, depression, sexual abuse, relationship and group work

“Curiosity, willingness to admit mistakes, and empathy—those are the green flags. They matter more than the ick.” – Matt Hussey (44:36)