Modern Love – “A Therapist’s Emotional Tool Kit for a Better Holiday Season”
Host: Anna Martin (The New York Times)
Guest: Nedra Glover Tawwab (Therapist, author of “Drama Free”)
Release Date: November 26, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode, released at the height of the holiday season, tackles the emotional complexity and stress of family gatherings during Thanksgiving and the winter holidays. Host Anna Martin is joined by renowned therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab, who provides practical advice and emotional strategies for navigating tricky family dynamics, grief, and personal boundaries. By addressing listener questions, the episode aims to equip listeners with a “therapy tool kit” for more manageable—and meaningful—holidays.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Why the Holidays Are So Emotionally Fraught
- Therapy Influx Post-Thanksgiving:
- [02:04] Nedra shares that her practice receives a surge of calls and emails after Thanksgiving, especially on Black Friday, from people who’ve had difficult family interactions and realize they need therapy.
- Quote (Nedra): “People have had terrible experiences and they're like, oh my gosh, I need to talk to someone.”
- Pattern of Regression:
- [04:48] Returning home can make us revert to childhood roles and behaviors. Even with therapeutic work, being back in the family context challenges personal growth.
- Quote (Anna): “I go home to my family […] and I just regressed to sort of 11, 12, you know what I mean?”
- Quote (Nedra): “It's very hard, not just for us to get out of [family patterns], but for the people around us to accept that we are no longer this 12 year old...”
2. Practical Emotional Tools for Family Gatherings
- Self-Awareness and Small Changes:
- [07:09] Anna asks for help with reactivity and short-fuse moments around family. Nedra recommends noticing emotional shifts and gently self-interrogating (“What happened there, girl?”).
- Insight: Not everything has to change at once—commit to one or two different behaviors, not a total overhaul.
- Hosting Anxiety and Control:
- [08:03] Nedra discusses her own anxiety when blending families or hosting, driven by wanting to control everyone’s social experience.
- [09:16] She’s learned to allow awkward silences, realizing not every interaction needs to be orchestrated.
3. Classic Thanksgiving Dilemmas: Listener Questions
A. Navigating Political or Difficult Conversations ([11:45])
- Listener Amy’s Situation: Amy left her boyfriend alone with her parents during a heated political conversation and felt guilty.
- Nedra’s Advice:
- Topic Shifting: Use humor or directness to steer conversation: “Any other topics of discussion?”
- Reframe “Rudeness”: “It's so shocking to me when we're like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be rude. They're actually being rude.” ([14:02])
- Support System: Couples (or friends) should plan signals for when one needs extraction from tough situations (e.g., “pineapple” as a code word or a leg tap).
- Responsibility to Guests: Prepare friends or partners for specific family dynamics and debrief ahead of events.
- Quote (Nedra): “They are in your care…when we're taking a friend or partner into our family situation, we have to let them know, hey, this is what typically happens…” ([17:04])
- In Summary: Focus on changing your responses and preparation—not forcing relatives to change their ways.
B. Reunion and Sobriety—Is It Worth the Discomfort? ([20:34])
- Listener Gordon’s Situation: Estranged from siblings due to alcohol issues, but wants to see his ailing father for Thanksgiving.
- Nedra’s Advice:
- Time Management: Limit time spent; you don’t need to commit to the full gathering if it strains your well-being.
- Plan “Air Breaks”: Schedule walks or other short breaks to manage your boundaries.
- Prep Work: Attempt to clear the air with estranged family before the event to avoid major confrontations.
- Identify “Indicators” for Leaving: Know personal red flags that signal it’s time to exit.
- Threshold Assessment: Discomfort is not always bad. “Figure out how bad you want it, how bad you want to be with family.” ([25:57])
- Quote (Nedra): “There can be discomfort that is manageable...maybe you have a little anxiety...you survive it, you learn. Huh? I can survive a Thanksgiving with all my relatives drinking if I leave at this time…” ([26:35])
C. Grief & the First Holiday After Loss ([27:32])
- Listener Stephanie’s Situation: Her husband’s parents recently died, and she wants to help him through the first Thanksgiving without them.
- Nedra’s Advice:
- Acknowledge the Grief: Don’t tiptoe around loss—bring it up directly, and ask, “What can I do to support you?”
- Communal Remembrance: Designate a time for the group to share memories or honor the lost loved one (before or after dinner).
- New Traditions: Incorporate old traditions or mementos in new ways; balance grief with joyful, possibly silly, activities.
- Both Grief and Joy Can Exist: “You can hold joy and grief…plan something to look forward to.” ([33:05])
- If the Grieving Partner Doesn’t Know What They Need: Use gestures of comfort and creativity—make a favorite recipe, wear something that belonged to the loved one, or invent new rituals.
D. Rituals After Betrayal and Forgiveness ([35:40])
- Listener Layla’s Situation: Hesitant to participate in family gratitude rituals after her husband, who previously gave a heartfelt speech, later cheated on her during a difficult time.
- Nedra’s Advice:
- Don’t Avoid Triggers Forever: Avoiding rituals is a short-term way to dodge discomfort, but healing happens when you gradually expose yourself again and see that pain dims with time.
- Practicing Forgiveness: “This is a part of the forgiveness. Wow. So if you’re forgiving the act, this is part of that.” ([37:49])
- Practicality for This Year: It’s okay if this year feels hard; focus on simply sitting through the ritual as an act of gratitude in itself.
- Open Conversation: (If it feels right) ask your partner not to mention you in their public expression of gratitude until you feel ready.
- Quote (Nedra): “You will notice, one year, I didn’t even think about that. That’s how it works when we actually practice, when we actually get into the stuff instead of avoiding it.” ([40:10])
Notable Quotes & Moments
-
On Family Regression:
“When we go home with our families, it's like, this is the time to practice the stuff that you've been learning.”
– Nedra Glover Tawwab [04:48] -
On Changing Roles:
“Maybe your thing is, you know, everybody’s talking to me. Maybe you're the person...you might want to interject with your own problems this year.”
– Nedra [06:34] -
On Host Anxiety:
“At the end of it all...these are not interactions I need to control. There are times when people want to talk and [times] when they don't.”
– Nedra [09:16] -
On Rudeness During Family Fights:
“It's so shocking to me when we're like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be rude. They're actually being rude.”
– Nedra [14:02] -
On Grief and Holidays:
“Both things can exist at the same time. You can hold joy and grief.”
– Nedra [33:05] -
On Avoidance and Healing:
“I think the real healing is once we can do the thing and notice that year after year, I feel better. I feel more at ease.”
– Nedra [40:10]
Practical “Holiday Therapy” Toolkit
[42:58] Nedra’s Closing Advice
- Plan Ahead: Clarify what you want to do differently this year and practice those changes.
- Make New Agreements: Don’t go into the holiday in old patterns; choose specific things to shift.
- Curate Your Experience: If you’re the host, create new traditions or decide your timeline; if a guest, leave or arrive differently, or even skip traditional events if needed.
- Affirm Yourself: Use affirmations, make lists, and celebrate wins—no matter how small. Have accountability, even if it’s just texting a friend or reporting to your therapist.
On Breaking Family Patterns:
“If you need an accountability partner, maybe that's another family member who's there, or maybe it's somebody who's away and you need to text and be like, I did it.”
– Nedra [44:59]
Important Timestamps
- Regression & family patterns: [04:48]
- Tools for reactivity: [07:09]
- Hosting/guest anxiety: [08:03]
- Ending hard conversations: [10:41]
- Listener question: political arguments: [11:45]
- Planning code words with your partner: [15:02]
- Responsibility to guests/partners: [17:04]
- Sibling estrangement & sobriety: [20:34]
- Setting limits & emotional indicators: [24:02], [25:33]
- Navigating grief in the holidays: [27:32], [30:08]
- Rituals after betrayal: [35:40], [40:10]
- The “toolkit” summary: [42:58]
- Affirmation and accountability: [44:59]
Tone & Style
The conversation is warm, empathetic, and filled with practical, real-world strategies delivered with kindness and honesty. Nedra brings a matter-of-fact, reassuring tone—dispelling shame, acknowledging complexity, and empowering listeners to accept their feelings and agency.
Summary Takeaways
- Holidays “drop us right in the middle of all of these complicated relationship dynamics.” ([00:39])
- Prepare, plan, and communicate before gatherings—especially with partners and friends.
- You cannot control your relatives, only your responses and boundaries.
- Acknowledge the hard stuff (like grief or betrayal) rather than avoiding it—both joy and pain can coexist.
- Curate the holiday you want; it’s okay to try something new, skip tradition, or set tighter limits.
- Celebrate your progress, no matter how small—transformation takes time.
For anyone bracing themselves for the holidays, this episode offers validation, concrete tips, and a clear path toward more intentional, less overwhelming family gatherings.