Modern Wisdom Podcast #1014

Dr. Marc Brackett – The Life-Changing Skill of Emotional Regulation

Date: November 1, 2025
Host: Chris Williamson
Guest: Dr. Marc Brackett

Episode Overview

This episode explores the profound impact of emotional regulation on personal and professional success. Dr. Marc Brackett, a leading voice on emotional intelligence, joins Chris Williamson to break down why understanding, labeling, and managing our emotions is not just a “soft” skill, but foundational for thriving in relationships, work, leadership, and well-being. Drawing on science, personal stories, and practical frameworks, the conversation moves from the roots of emotional illiteracy in society to actionable steps for building emotional regulation skills, with a focus on men’s emotional lives and the power of permission to feel.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why We Struggle to Name and Use Emotions

• Emotional Illiteracy: Most people can’t name more than three emotions they feel regularly, stemming from a systemic lack of "emotion education."
• The Gendered Experience: Men, in particular, are often socialized to suppress emotions, leading to limited emotional vocabulary and expression.
• Naming to Tame: Recognizing and precisely labeling emotions is the first step to managing them.
  • Quote: “You have to name it to tame it. You got to label it, to regulate it.” – Dr. Brackett [02:20]

2. Understanding Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and Emotional Regulation

• Definition of Emotional Intelligence: Using feelings wisely to achieve your goals—a skill set that includes recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions.
• The RULER Model:
  • Recognizing
  • Understanding
  • Labeling
  • Expressing
  • Regulating
• Regulation at the Top: Emotional regulation is seen as the pinnacle of EQ—knowing which strategies to apply (prevent, reduce, initiate, maintain, enhance).
  • Quote: “Emotion regulation should actually be the new definition of success.” – Dr. Brackett [05:10]

3. Pathways to Healthy Emotional Regulation

• Prevention, Not Just Reaction: Preemptive strategies to prevent unwanted emotions are often overlooked but powerful.

• Acute Response: Reducing intensity in the moment via breathing, cognitive reframing, or seeking support.

• Initiating or Shaping Emotions: Leaders (and everyone) benefit from intentionally cultivating the emotional ‘climate’ that serves their purpose.

• Maintaining/Enhancing Positive States: Protecting flow states or good mood from disruption.

  “It’s not the time to regulate when you’re already overwhelmed. You’ve got to regulate before you even show up.” – Dr. Brackett [06:54]

4. Why Emotional Skills Are Neglected—and the Consequences

• Societal Myths: Emotions once viewed as irrational or unscientific.

• Suppression as Default: Control, denial, and suppression are seen as ‘strength,’ particularly in masculine cultures, but research shows this leads to physiological and psychological harm.

  • Quote: “Suppression is never the answer. The more you suppress, the more it’s going to show up in stomach problems, physical health, and mental health.” – Dr. Brackett [12:40]

• Outcomes of Suppression: Emotions don’t disappear—they manifest in maladaptive habits or health issues if not processed and expressed.

  “If you don’t express emotions, it’s like a debt that keeps on getting bigger, and it comes out somewhere.” – Dr. Brackett [23:36]

5. A Framework for Integrating Emotions Healthily

Practical Steps:

• 1. Permission to Feel: Recognize all emotions as valid (“Anger is real. Anxiety is real. Don’t judge it, just allow it to be.”) [25:49]

• 2. Build Vocabulary: Accurately differentiate among emotions (e.g., anxiety vs. stress vs. pressure vs. envy).

  • Anxiety: Uncertainty about the future
  • Stress: Too many demands, not enough resources
  • Pressure: Something at stake depending on your action
  • Envy: Comparing self to others, wishing to have what others have

  “Most people default to the most common emotion—they call it all anxiety when it might actually be something else.” – Dr. Brackett [30:31]

• 3. Awareness of Triggers and Patterns: Using check-ins (apps like “How We Feel”) to notice bodily, environmental, and mental cues.

• 4. Practical Regulation Strategies: Mindfulness, breathing to deactivate arousal, cognitive reframing, seeking social support.

• 5. Emotional Allies: Surround yourself with non-judgmental, empathetic, good listeners.

  • Research Finding: The top traits we want in an ‘emotional ally’ are (1) non-judgmental, (2) good listener, (3) empathetic/compassionate. Intelligence is rarely mentioned. [45:03]
  • Quote: “Imagine if we had a society where we were striving to have people who were non-judgmental, good listeners, who showed empathy and compassion…I want to live in that world.” – Dr. Brackett [46:13]

• 6. Mind-Body Integration: Combine concepts and embodiment—distinguish emotions from mere bodily states (e.g., tiredness mistaken for anxiety).

6. The Spectrum of Sensitivity

• Highly Sensitive People: Tend to feel emotions with greater depth and frequency—needing more practice but also having higher “resolution” for emotional work [75:58].
• Self-Awareness & Neuroticism: No direct correlation with emotional intelligence—those who feel deeply get more opportunities to hone self-regulation.
• Quote: “You have to know who you are…for someone more even-keeled, when life hits, they may not have had as much preparation to deal with big emotions.” – Dr. Brackett [77:00]

7. Shame, Gaslighting, and Self-Compassion

• Shame as Most Difficult: Self-conscious emotions like shame are hardest to heal—tied to worth, often instilled by others’ gaslighting.
  • Gaslighting Example: Repeatedly telling someone they are “too sensitive” until they believe it [69:39].
• Regaining Control: The key is reclaiming the narrative—using self-regulation to decide when, how, and what to feel.

8. Soft Skills and Emotional Role Models

• Parental Patterns: Only 1/3 of people have an adult in their youth who was non-judgmental and supportive; only 2% identified their fathers as such [49:36].
• Changing Generations: Hope for improvement as emotional education becomes mainstream in schools and parenting.

9. Identity and Lifelong Learning

• Integrating Emotional Regulation as Identity: Seeing oneself as someone who ‘lifts weights for emotions’—a practice that becomes core to self-concept.
  • Quote: “If we had people walking around saying, ‘I am a master at managing emotions’…think about what that could do for society.” – Dr. Brackett [52:00]
• Lifelong Practice: Emotional regulation is a skill you sharpen over a lifetime, not a fixed trait.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You have to name it to tame it. You got to label it, to regulate it.” – Dr. Brackett [02:20]
• “Emotion regulation should actually be the new definition of success.” – Dr. Brackett [05:10]
• “Suppression is never the answer. The more you suppress, the more it’s going to show up in stomach problems, physical health, and mental health.” – Dr. Brackett [12:40]
• “If you don’t express emotions, it’s like a debt that keeps on getting bigger, and it comes out somewhere.” – Dr. Brackett [23:36]
• “Permission to feel is step one. There is no such thing as a bad emotion.” – Dr. Brackett [25:49]
• “Envy is just wanting what the person has… Jealousy is feeling that their gain threatens your own.” [63:23]
• “I can protect myself, but I have a very high startle reflex. I’m afraid of my shadow. I have a 5th degree black belt, but I’m not a tough guy.” – Dr. Brackett, on sensitivity [75:58]
• “What real strength looks like: denying or suppressing your emotions is still giving them a lot of power over you.” – Chris Williamson [16:23]
• “People who grew up with that permission to feel—better sleep, better health, more satisfaction, more purpose and meaning in life.” – Dr. Brackett [81:14]
• “There’s a big difference between self-awareness and self-indulgence… Strategic check-ins are the goal.” – Dr. Brackett [82:26]

Important Timestamps & Segments

• [00:00–03:56] What is Emotional Education & Why We Lack It
• [03:56–07:00] Defining Emotional Intelligence & RULER Model
• [10:15–12:32] Suppression, Stigma, and Consequences for Men
• [25:22–29:47] A Practical Framework: Permission to Feel, Vocabulary, and Examples
• [30:31–32:57] Differentiating Between Emotional States (Anxiety, Stress, Pressure, Envy)
• [41:42–46:13] Traits of Emotional Allies & The Power of Non-judgmental Support
• [62:28–67:15] The Challenge of Shame and Self-conscious Emotions
• [75:58–82:20] Highly Sensitive People, Identity, and Practicing Emotional Skills
• [82:26–84:13] Self-Awareness vs. Self-Indulgence
• [87:20–88:44] Steps for Reshaping Emotional Habits

Actionable Takeaways & Final Thoughts

• Begin with Self-Compassion: Grant yourself permission to feel, without judgment.
• Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary: The more precisely you label, the more effectively you can regulate.
• Check In Strategically: Don’t ruminate, but regularly examine feelings before important actions or transitions.
• Practice Regulation as a Skill: Like fitness, it takes repetition and intentionality.
• Seek and Be Emotional Allies: Cultivate supportive, non-judgmental relationships.
• Remember, Emotional Skills Are Foundational: Nothing “soft” about them—they are key to thriving, resilience, and purpose.

Resources Mentioned:

• Dr. Marc Brackett’s book, Dealing with Feeling
• The “How We Feel” app (free on iOS and Android)
• RULER program (for schools)
• Dr. Brackett: markbrackett.com

Connect with Chris Williamson:

• Modern Wisdom Podcast
• chriswillx.com/books – List of recommended books

This summary captures the episode’s deep and practical approach to emotional education and regulation. It’s a toolkit for anyone wanting to move from emotional reactivity or suppression to wisdom, compassion, and effectiveness in all domains of life.