Podcast Summary: Modern Wisdom Episode #884 - Nick Pollard on "How To Stop Being Such A People Pleaser"

Introduction

In Episode #884 of Modern Wisdom, host Chris Williamson engages in a profound conversation with Nick Pollard about the pervasive issue of people pleasing. The discussion delves into the origins, manifestations, and detrimental effects of people-pleasing behaviors, offering insightful strategies to overcome this common trap.

1. Understanding the People Pleasing Trap

Nick Pollard opens the discussion by addressing why so many individuals fall into the people-pleasing trap. He attributes this phenomenon primarily to the influence of social media, which fosters an environment of constant comparison and external validation.

Nick Pollard [00:07]:
"We have created an environment through social media really predominantly that everybody's now seeking to measure up to somebody else rather than focused on this internal locus of control."

2. The Shift from Internal to External Validation

Pollard emphasizes the detrimental shift from an internal locus of control to external validation, where individuals become preoccupied with how others perceive them rather than cultivating self-contentment.

Nick Pollard [00:22]:
"Everybody's comparing themselves to people that are insurmountable... rather than recognizing in myself I can just be happy with where I am."

3. Childhood Influences and Development of People Pleasing

A significant portion of the conversation explores the childhood roots of people pleasing. Pollard explains that inconsistent parenting—where one parent is overly involved and the other absent or abusive—teaches children to seek acceptance through pleasing others to avoid abandonment.

Nick Pollard [03:17]:
"One parent made that child the center of their world and then the other didn't. So, to make this other person happy means they won't get abandoned."

4. Recognizing People Pleasing Behaviors

Pollard outlines key behaviors indicative of people pleasing, highlighting dishonesty as a common thread. This includes saying "yes" when intending to say "no," overcommitting, and prioritizing others' needs at the expense of one's own well-being.

Nick Pollard [04:22]:
"People pleasers are liars. Lying is one of the bigger things... saying yes when you mean to say no... it's dishonest."

5. The Far-Reaching Impact on Well-being

The conversation delves into the extensive negative consequences of people pleasing, affecting physical health, emotional well-being, financial stability, and personal relationships. Pollard shares personal anecdotes illustrating these impacts, such as neglecting self-care and experiencing chronic burnout.

Nick Pollard [22:13]:
"It deprioritizes a lot of things. Your physical well-being will take a backseat... your emotional well-being takes a hit every day."

6. Strategies to Overcome People Pleasing

Pollard offers actionable strategies to break free from people-pleasing tendencies:

• Saying No:
  Implementing a "seven-day no challenge" to rewire the brain’s association of fear with refusal.

  Nick Pollard [10:08]:
  "Spend seven days saying no to everything... change your default answer from a yes to a no."

• Setting Boundaries:
  Defining personal values and establishing clear boundaries based on these values rather than others' expectations.

  Nick Pollard [65:40]:
  "Boundaries are about how you show up in the world... they are delineators for what you accept and not accept."

• Reframing Beliefs:
  Challenging and reshaping the internal narratives that perpetuate feelings of inadequacy.

  Nick Pollard [56:14]:
  "Ask your emotions questions... 'What am I believing about this?'"

7. The Role of Play and Self-Invention

Pollard introduces the concept of integrating play into adulthood as a means of self-definition and combating the rigidity often associated with people pleasing. By engaging in playful activities, individuals can rediscover their authentic selves and foster joy.

Nick Pollard [14:04]:
"Kids play to learn and discover who they are... adults don't play enough to continue that self-invention process."

8. Gender Differences in People Pleasing

Exploring how people pleasing manifests differently across genders, Pollard notes that women often display passive-aggressive behaviors, while men internalize their struggles more profoundly, leading to unique challenges in each group.

Nick Pollard [30:59]:
"Women tend to externalize it as a problem of everyone else... men tend to internalize it as 'I'm a piece of shit.'"

9. Maintaining Boundaries and Building Resilience

The discussion highlights the importance of consistent boundary maintenance through routines and habits, such as daily reminders of personal values and engaging with supportive communities. Pollard advises against relying solely on affirmations, advocating instead for operational guidelines like a personal "Bill of Rights."

Nick Pollard [68:50]:
"Put your top three boundaries on a business card... have it laminated and keep it with you as a daily reminder."

10. The Emotional Journey of Letting Go

Pollard candidly shares the emotional toll of ceasing people-pleasing behaviors, including feelings of loneliness and guilt. He underscores that while initial stages may be challenging, the long-term benefits include authentic relationships and personal fulfillment.

Nick Pollard [94:47]:
"Initially, it gets harder because people pleasing is a very lonely way to live... but when you prioritize yourself, your life improves."

Key Takeaways

• Awareness: Recognizing people-pleasing behaviors is the first step toward change.
• Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries based on intrinsic values is crucial.
• Self-Compassion: Learning to value oneself equally as others fosters healthier relationships and personal well-being.
• Consistency: Daily habits and supportive communities reinforce boundary-setting efforts.
• Emotional Processing: Sitting with discomfort and reframing negative beliefs leads to lasting transformation.

Recommended Resources

Nick Pollard references several influential works that have shaped his understanding and approach to overcoming people pleasing:

1. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover
   A cornerstone text addressing the Nice Guy Syndrome and providing strategies to reclaim personal power.

2. "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck
   Emphasizes personal growth, discipline, and the pursuit of spiritual development as pathways to a fulfilling life.

3. "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura
   Explores the psychology behind people-pleasing and offers practical tools to assert oneself authentically.

Conclusion

In this enlightening episode, Nick Pollard articulates the intricate dynamics of people pleasing, rooted in societal influences and childhood experiences. Through a blend of personal narratives and practical advice, he offers listeners a roadmap to reclaiming their authenticity, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering genuine self-worth. This conversation is a valuable resource for anyone seeking to break free from the constraints of people pleasing and embrace a more empowered and fulfilling life.