Podcast Summary: Modern Wisdom #890 - Connor Beaton - A Man’s Guide To Feeling Your Feelings

Release Date: January 16, 2025

Introduction

In episode #890 of Modern Wisdom, host Chris Williamson engages in a profound conversation with Connor Beaton about the intricate relationship between masculinity and emotional expression. Titled "A Man’s Guide To Feeling Your Feelings," the episode delves into the societal stigmas surrounding men's emotions, the consequences of emotional suppression, and practical strategies for men to authentically engage with their emotional landscapes.

1. The Problem: Men’s Suppression of Emotions

Connor Beaton begins by addressing the pervasive issue of emotional suppression among men. He highlights how societal expectations have historically encouraged men to suppress their emotions, leading to negative repercussions on their mental and physical well-being.

“[00:04] B: ...the best emotional tool is suppression, is repression, is just like, stuff it down, pour some whiskey over top...”

Beaton explains that this culture of suppression has created a disconnect, preventing men from effectively understanding and managing their emotions.

2. The Impact of Societal Expectations

Chris Williamson concurs, noting the lack of positive emotional role models for men in contemporary media and society.

“[01:40] A: Yeah, I think you're right. We don't exactly have fantastic emotional role models as men.”

Beaton expands on this by discussing how societal scripts often reward emotional stoicism over vulnerability, making it challenging for men to express their true feelings without fear of judgment or ridicule.

3. The Importance of Feeling Emotions

The conversation shifts to the fundamental value of emotions in achieving a meaningful and fulfilling life. Beaton asserts that emotions are essential data points that inform our decisions, relationships, and overall sense of purpose.

“[12:35] B: Your emotions are the data of the body. It's the information of your body...”

He emphasizes that ignoring emotions is akin to attempting to navigate life without critical information, leading to suboptimal decisions and unfulfilling relationships.

4. Steps to Feel Your Feelings

Beaton outlines a four-step process for men to begin engaging with their emotions:

a. Develop Awareness

Beaton introduces the concept of Direct Felt Experience (DFE), encouraging men to become attuned to the physical sensations associated with different emotions.

“[25:20] B: ...every single emotion has a specific experience somatically or physiologically in your body.”

b. Label the Emotion and Its Intensity

He advises men to identify and quantify their emotions, distinguishing between the charge (type of emotion) and its intensity.

“[34:49] B: Step one, develop awareness....”

c. Describe the Emotion

Men are encouraged to articulate their emotions in detail, using descriptive language to better understand their internal states.

“[34:49] B: ...describe the physical experience of your emotions.”

d. Identify the Emotion’s Message

Finally, Beaton suggests that emotions often carry underlying messages or data that can guide personal growth and decision-making.

“[34:49] B: ...identify what the emotion is trying to express.”

5. Challenges in the Process

a. Permission to Feel

One major hurdle is granting oneself permission to feel, as many men internalize the belief that showing emotions is a weakness.

“[36:44] B: ...the permission stage is a big place where guys get angry.”

b. Building Tolerance

Beaton discusses the difficulty in developing emotional tolerance, especially for intense emotions like anger and grief, which can often feel overwhelming.

“[42:31] A: The other side of the fence energetically, from an emotion standpoint...”

6. Strategies for Emotional Growth

a. Expression vs. Explanation

A key distinction is made between explaining emotions rationally and genuinely expressing them. Beaton encourages men to focus on expressing their direct felt experiences rather than over-explaining.

“[64:40] B: ...Am I explaining what happened... or am I expressing what I'm actually feeling?”

b. Unstructured Cognitive Time

He recommends allocating time for unstructured cognitive activities, such as journaling or walking without distractions, to facilitate emotional processing.

“[73:18] B: ...30 to 60 minutes of unstructured cognitive time.”

c. Community and Support Groups

Beaton underscores the importance of having a supportive community or men's group to foster accountability and mutual support in the emotional growth journey.

“[73:42] B: ...find a community of guys that are supporting one another in this endeavor.”

7. Balancing Emotional Mastery and Suppression

Addressing the fear of losing power through emotional openness, Beaton asserts that true strength lies in the ability to feel emotions deeply and authentically.

“[58:03] A: That suppression isn't strength. That denying yourself of it, of what it is that you're feeling isn't strength.”

He likens the journey of emotional mastery to an initiatory experience, where facing and embracing one's emotions leads to personal growth and a deeper sense of purpose.

8. Conclusion

In wrapping up, Beaton reiterates that embracing emotions does not diminish masculinity; rather, it enhances it by fostering genuine connections and personal fulfillment.

“[75:30] B: ...having emotions doesn't make you less of a man. Feeling your feelings doesn't make you less of a man.”

He encourages men to start small, acknowledge their suppressed emotions, and seek supportive environments to cultivate emotional intelligence.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Connor Beaton [00:04]: "Our best emotional tool is suppression, repression... keep soldiering on."

• Chris Williamson [01:40]: "We don't exactly have fantastic emotional role models as men."

• Connor Beaton [12:35]: "Your emotions are the data of the body. It's the information of your body."

• Connor Beaton [25:20]: "Every single emotion has a specific experience somatically or physiologically in your body."

• Connor Beaton [64:40]: "Am I explaining what happened... or am I expressing what I'm actually feeling?"

• Connor Beaton [58:03]: "That suppression isn't strength. That denying yourself of it... isn't strength."

• Connor Beaton [75:30]: "Having emotions doesn't make you less of a man."

Final Thoughts

Episode #890 of Modern Wisdom offers a compelling exploration of the challenges and imperatives for men to engage authentically with their emotions. Through thoughtful dialogue and practical advice, Connor Beaton provides a roadmap for men to overcome societal stigmas, develop emotional awareness, and cultivate meaningful relationships. This episode serves as a crucial resource for anyone seeking to understand and improve the emotional lives of men in today's complex world.