Modern Wisdom Podcast Episode #920: John DeLoney - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?

Release Date: March 27, 2025

In Episode #920 of the Modern Wisdom podcast, host Chris Williamson engages in a profound and introspective conversation with Dr. John DeLoney, delving deep into the complexities of human relationships, mental health, and the pervasive tendency to seek partners who we believe need fixing. This detailed summary captures the essence of their discussion, highlighting key insights, notable quotes, and actionable conclusions.

1. Introduction and Establishing Rapport

The episode begins with a warm welcome as Chris introduces Dr. John DeLoney, emphasizing his compassionate approach to mental health and relationships.

Chris [00:57]: "You're now five IQ points smarter. Ten. That's... Each sip is like set, man."

Dr. John DeLoney [00:57]: "Words of encouragement and a lighthearted start."

This light-hearted banter sets the tone for a candid and honest discussion.

2. Holding Space for Others

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the importance of truly holding space for someone going through trauma or grief. Dr. DeLoney shares a deeply personal story about supporting his wife through multiple miscarriages, highlighting the profound impact of simply being present without offering solutions.

Dr. John DeLoney [02:43]: "There's a different level of compassion, right? What you have to say to a mother whose kid is dead in that room... But she'll remember that hug, right?"

Chris [06:13]: "How do I support men... How do I set lofty goals without feeling less than if I don't get there tomorrow?"

The dialogue underscores the cultural deficit in genuinely supporting individuals during their darkest times, advocating for presence over problem-solving.

3. The Importance of Genuine Connections

Both hosts discuss the stark contrast between friendships formed at work versus those cultivated outside professional settings. Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the vulnerability and support that come from non-transactional relationships.

Dr. John DeLoney [12:48]: "It makes people into a 401k... The problem with only having Friends at work..."

Chris relates this to his personal experiences, illustrating how transactional friendships lack the depth needed during personal crises.

4. Self-Love vs. Seeking to Fix Others

A central theme revolves around the concept of self-worth and the innate desire to fix partners perceived as needing help. Dr. DeLoney explains that individuals often select partners based on unresolved childhood issues, perpetuating a cycle of seeking validation.

Dr. John DeLoney [32:00]: "Your nervous system puts little GPS pins in there when you're a kid... you go and entrust all that situation again..."

Chris adds that this tendency often reflects one's internal struggles and desire for self-redemption.

5. Understanding and Managing Grief

The conversation shifts to modern society's approach to grief and loss. Dr. DeLoney criticizes the lack of communal grieving practices, suggesting that isolating grief leads to emotional leaks and unresolved trauma.

Dr. John DeLoney [77:01]: "We used to have a room in the house called the parlor where the body would rest... We've just plucked grief out of our lives."

Chris shares his advocacy for ceremonies and communal support systems to honor and process grief effectively.

6. The Role of Evolutionary Psychology in Relationships

Towards the episode's end, both Chris and Dr. DeLoney explore how evolutionary psychology (EP) informs our understanding of relationships and personal behavior. Chris highlights how EP has helped him recognize that many personal struggles are inherent to human nature rather than unique deficiencies.

Chris [107:26]: "Understanding that all, even the most mindful person... you are basically a vehicle for your genesis."

Dr. John DeLoney [109:25]: "Pathologies are not some unique idiosyncratic issue that only you deal with. They're endemic and they're a part of being a human."

This perspective fosters a sense of solidarity and understanding, mitigating feelings of isolation in personal challenges.

7. Coping with Breakups and Moving On

In the latter part of the discussion, the duo addresses the difficulties individuals face post-breakup, emphasizing the importance of allowing oneself to grieve without rush or external judgments.

Dr. John DeLoney [76:55]: "We have a collective allergy to grief... honoring the system because you're going to duct tape over that thing in counseling."

Chris [83:22]: "Feels like Navy SEAL hell week for your emotions... the closest thing to an equation in psychology is tragedy plus time equals comedy."

They advocate for embracing grief as a natural process, discouraging the tendency to seek immediate distractions or deny emotional pain.

8. Practical Strategies for Emotional Healing

Both speakers share actionable strategies to navigate emotional turmoil, including:

• Third-Person Self-Talk: Dr. DeLoney recommends discussing one's feelings in the third person to gain clarity and reduce emotional entanglement.

Dr. John DeLoney [91:07]: "Hey John, we're all right. What are you going to do about this?"

• Guided Journaling: Chris introduces the concept of guided journaling with external prompts to foster deeper emotional processing.

Chris [96:00]: "Instead of just writing them down, take one minute for each thing and just really... that was so fucking nice."

These techniques aim to bridge the gap between cognitive understanding and emotional embodiment.

9. Conclusion and Final Insights

The episode concludes with reflections on balancing ambition with authentic living. Both Chris and Dr. DeLoney caution against the relentless pursuit of success at the expense of personal well-being and meaningful relationships.

Chris [117:01]: "You want to set lofty goals... don't want to sacrifice the thing you want, which is joy and happiness, for the thing that's supposed to get it right, which is success."

They advocate for a harmonious integration of personal aspirations with genuine self-love and community support.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. John DeLoney [02:43]: "There's a different level of compassion... there's no words, but she'll remember that hug."
• Chris [07:32]: "You don't need to push me. I'll push myself more if I know that I don't need to."
• Dr. John DeLoney [32:53]: "Kids are always trying to solve."
• Chris [65:39]: "Your desires define the path of least resistance inside of your life."
• Dr. John DeLoney [83:40]: "It's a loss. It happens a lot with parents, too."

Final Thoughts

Episode #920 offers listeners a nuanced exploration of why individuals often find themselves in relationships with partners they believe need fixing. Through heartfelt anecdotes and psychological insights, Dr. John DeLoney and Chris Williamson illuminate the importance of self-awareness, genuine connections, and allowing oneself to process emotions authentically. This episode serves as a compelling guide for anyone seeking deeper understanding and healthier relationship dynamics.