Atlanta, Scandals, Presidential Merch | Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-26

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast: Atlanta, Scandals, Presidential Merch

Episode: Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-26
Host: Bill Burr (All Things Comedy)
Date: May 15, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features Bill Burr podcasting from Atlanta, Georgia, where he reflects on his standup shows at the Tabernacle, the changing landscape of American cities (and coffee shops), sports rants, economic grievances, presidential merchandising (particularly Trump's), and offers characteristically blunt relationship advice. Burr rants and riffs through topics like technology paranoia, media scandals, the Illuminati, and how modern life gets weirder every year. Classic listeners will recognize Bill’s mix of incredulity, nostalgia, and unfiltered advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Atlanta Shows, Nostalgia, and Tour Life

Timestamps: 00:34 – 06:26

• Bill is in Atlanta, performing at the Tabernacle, and reminisces about his first "tour bus" experience with fellow comedians Bartnik, Versi, and Jay Lawhead.
• Shares a memory about hanging with Dave Koechner (from Anchorman & F is for Family) and visiting the Anchorman 2 film set.
• Touches on the bittersweet feeling of being back in Atlanta alone:

  "Happy memory, and then, like, depressing too, like, because now I'm back here by myself." (03:35)

• Expresses appreciation for fans coming out during tough economic times:

  "This is a brutal economy... I really appreciate it because I know entertainment’s the first thing that gets cut out." (04:14)

2. Modern Paranoia: Cars, Coffee Shops & Technology

Timestamps: 04:45 – 14:27

• Rants about new cars being more like “private police cars" that can be remotely controlled by corporations:**

  "I just don't understand. At what point are you going to realize you're not in the club? None of us are in the club." (05:00)

• Bemoans the commercialization of Atlanta, including Yelp’s inability to recommend non-chain coffee shops:

  "One of the first recommendations I got was the Capital One Cafe. Who did they beat out, Chase Bank for better coffee?" (06:03)

• Observes new coffee shop vibes and laments influencer culture with a dig at microplastics:

  "Cozy and spacious at the same time? That's that microplastic swimming around in your brain." (09:15)

• Shares old-man gripes about new iPhones, planned obsolescence, and privacy concerns:

  “My iPhone 13 stopped charging... I bet the latest update sabotaged the charging port...” (13:01)

3. Social Outrage & Media Scandals

Timestamps: 11:02 – 13:56

• Analyzes how internet mob outrage spirals off personal scandals, referencing the Coldplay fan incident:

  "Why can't you just go to the concert today?" (11:57)

• Says the internet “always wins” only against individuals, not against CEOs:

  "The Internet does win if you're going after an individual... But, like, if you're talking about, like, false flag wars... the Internet is not winning anything." (13:01)

4. Tech, Consumerism & "Presidential Merch"

Timestamps: 26:50 – 29:44

• Expresses shock at Donald Trump’s merch empire:

  “He bought old cell phones, painted them gold, sold them for 500 bucks... It’s amazing.” (26:52) “Limited edition gold plated MAGA hat. Very innovative guy. I've never seen a president selling merchandise.” (27:30)

• Shares nostalgia for odd presidential memorabilia and notes Trump “just took it to the next level.”

5. Sports Riffs – Hockey & Basketball

Timestamps: 23:33 – 25:55, 29:44 – 31:40

• Offers hockey commentary re: Buffalo Sabres and Canadiens, recounts the "curse of Patrick Waugh":

  "Even The Bruins won one since then... and even that already seems like we won it like seven, eight years ago." (25:34)

• Talks Celtics, Knicks, the Sixers, and shares a gym interaction after a Game 7:

  "He goes, if it makes you feel any better, we're gonna kick the shit out of the Knicks. Then they get swept." (29:52)

• Observes his own lack of sports viewing due to his standup schedule.

6. Reading, Science, and Losing Credit

Timestamps: 30:37 – 34:31

• Recommends Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything:

  “The stuff he’s explaining in layman's terms... how we figured out how old the earth is, why the continents are drifting, black holes, molecules..." (30:39)

• Bemoans how scientific discovery is leveraged for profit and power:

  "Everything that they discovered was then co-opted for money, power, and control." (32:31)

• Gives practical advice to up-and-coming comics/writers about always protecting credit for their creations:

  “If your name is not on that pilot script, you can fucking kiss that created by credit goodbye." (34:03)

7. Drumming, Musicianship, and Adulting

Timestamps: 09:29 – 10:54; 63:06 – 64:40

• Preps for a benefit where he’ll drum with a band, struggles with nonstandard time signatures and making drum charts:

  “Each one of them’s got the little tricky thing there... in four, then it goes into halftime, then they play a bar of three...” (09:29)

• Shares new respect for Metallica’s ...And Justice For All drum parts, analyzing Lars Ulrich’s style:

  “In the fucking verses, that guy is just like flying by the seat of his pants.” (63:31)

8. Relationship & Life Advice: The 'Ask Bill' Letters

Timestamps: 67:02 – 88:44

• Letter 1: Man’s ex-wife pretended to be his parole officer, falsely accused him of being a sex offender to his neighbors.
  • Bill’s advice: Get a lawyer, sue for defamation, press charges.
  • Quote:

    “You can’t just create a system where you take due process and throw it out the fucking window.” (72:04)

• Letter 2: Young man asks whether to finalize paperwork for marriage to overseas fiancée who is increasingly unstable.
  • Bill: Don’t submit the paperwork; end it now.
  • Quote:

    “This already feels like you’ve already made your decision. You just want me to back it up.” (74:49)

• Letter 3: High school junior reluctant about college, wants to become a correctional officer instead of a lawyer.
  • Bill: Sit parents down, be honest, do what you want in life.
• Letter 4: 28-year-old engineer in Boston debating whether to move to Chicago for a girlfriend or buy a house near family instead.
  • Bill: Don’t make a rushed decision; visit Chicago, see if she’s the one.
  • Quote:

    “You know when you know, when you’re with the right fucking person... If you feel that, then I wouldn't worry about going somewhere where she lives.” (85:53)

9. American Life & Social Commentary

Throughout

• Shares skepticism about corporate and government motives, longing for “CEOs with a heart.”
• Riffs on the contradictions of American life—the commercialization of every experience, nostalgia for simpler times, and foible-rich modernity.

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Memorable Quotes

• On generational change:

  “I’m hoping in the future, this younger generation will grow some CEOs with a heart, you know.” (04:31)

• On relationships:

  “You only live once, okay? And being married is difficult even when you marry the right person.” (77:07)

• On technology:

  “I’m gonna put a piece of hockey tape over it and see what happens.” (14:27)

• On presidential merch:

  “He should be on like the shopping network while he runs the country: limited edition gold plated MAGA hat.” (27:30)

• On modern outrage:

  “People always want to go after the individual—never the CEO. Why? Because they own the Internet.” (13:02)

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Episode Highlights & Notable Moments

• Bill’s vivid story about the earlier Atlanta tour stop and reminiscing about Dave Koechner (00:59).
• Riff on influencer coffee reviews and “microplastics in your brain” (09:15).
• Drumming geek-out (the creation of challenging setlists and Metallica drum analysis) (09:29, 63:31).
• Extended takedown of Trump’s merchandising hustle and the evolution of political swag (26:50–29:44).
• Blunt, signature relationship advice segment with wild letter stories (67:02–88:44), especially the fake-parole-officer ex-wife scandal.
• Closing meta-commentary about Boston vs. LA/NYC and where the “top tens” (women) go (86:56–88:36).

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Structured Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |:----------:|-------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:34-06:26| Atlanta performances, tour nostalgia, Tabernacle memories | | 04:45-14:27| Modern paranoia: self-driving cars, coffee shop chains, iPhone gripes | | 11:02-13:56| Internet scandals, media outrage, "the club" comments | | 23:33-25:55| Sports segment: Sabres vs Canadiens, Patrick Waugh curse | | 26:50-29:44| Trump’s presidential merchandising, history of presidential swag | | 30:37-34:31| Bill Bryson’s science book & creator credit advice | | 67:02-88:44| Listener letters: divorce defamation, young marriage, career advice, Boston vs. Chicago | | 63:06-64:40| Metallica drum chart, musicianship, Bill’s practice routines |

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Tone & Style

Bill Burr’s trademark mix of cynicism, humor, and personal anecdote pervades the episode. He speaks conversationally, peppered with dry sarcasm, self-deprecation, and the occasional empathetic aside. Bill’s openness about his own aging, neuroses, and passions (standup, drumming, sports) make the episode both funny and relatable—even when rants turn absurd or introspective.

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For those who missed the episode:
This one is peak Burr—ranging from complaints about modern capitalism ("We’re not in the club") to hysterical marriage horror stories, all wrapped in the voice of a veteran standup both in and out of midlife crisis. If you like comedy that roasts society as freely as it roasts itself, and want to hear one of the best at giving unvarnished advice, it’s worth a listen.

Transcript

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[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

Oh, how's it going, man?

Far out, man. I am in Atlanta, Georgia.

George, Georgia. O freckles telling your jokes downtown.

Sorry, I'm in a stupid mood. I had a great set last night at really one of my favorite theaters in the world. I'm doing three nights at the Tabernacle here in Atlanta, Georgia. I haven't been here in fucking forever. Did a special here. Like, I don't know how I'm embarrassed how long ago it was. And all of these memories came flooding back. The last time I was here, I was doing this run through the south, and I got a tour bus. It's like the first time I ever did that. And I was with, like, Bartnik and Versi and Jay Lawhead. And we were just like, riding on this bus watching Goodfellas and watching Anchorman. I was still drinking back then, smoking cigars. And we pulled up to the venue. It was unreal. And we, we just, we went in there and they were shooting Anchorman 2 down here at the time. And I knew Dave Koechner because I was doing F is for family with him. And he played Bob Pogo. Still, one of my favorite memories of recording those episodes was watching Dave Koechner in the booth doing Bob Pogo, who was morbidly obese. And I remember when he would do his lines, he would be in. He would be in the booth, and it looked like he was, like doing, like, the backstroke. He would be just going like, I can't do the voice that he did. And me and the great Mike Price, we used to just be laughing our. Just watching his commitment. So anyway, we'd gone over to the set and we got to watch him do a little bit of stuff. But they came. This is some fucking. I know this is a fucking Hollywood story here, but I Gotta tell you, it was fucking amazing. So Keckner and some of his buddies from the. From the movie came out to the show. So they were there, and we all hung out and just laughing and stuff. And they got on the tour bus to check it out. And I remember they saw that we had the Anchorman DVD there so they could tell we weren't bullshitting when we said we were fans and all of that. It was just one of those. One of those nights. And I think afterwards we were outside just smoking cigars next to the bus. All of that came flooding back, and then it was like a really happy memory. And then, like, depressing too, like, because now I'm back here by myself. So anyway. But when I got back out on stage, it was still the. It's still the same place. Like, the first night I had a really good set. And then last night I was just in flow mode, as the kids say, and all kinds of crazy coming out of my mouth, doing just every reason why I love doing stand up. So I want to thank everybody that's come out, you know, and anybody that is going to come out to my shows because this is a brutal economy. It's just a brutal economy. That's just all there is to it. And I'm hoping. I don't know, I'm just hoping somebody can turn this around. So anybody that is still coming out to my shows, I really appreciate it because I know entertainment's the first thing that gets cut out. So, you know, we're all connected, man. So I don't know, I'm hoping in the future this younger generation will grow some CEOs with a heart, you know,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and maybe no more, you know, the Grinch generations.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I really don't understand, like, why they have. I know. I just keep talking about this. These fucking cars that are coming out in 2027, it's your own private police car. They can turn them on and turn them off. And they're buying up all the auto parts places so you can't repair the old ones. Everyone's going to be everybody. Even if you got your make it great again hat again, you're going to have to buy one of those. I just don't understand. At what point are you going to realize you're not in the club? None of us are in the club. We're not in the club. None of this shit is for us. This is for them to finally do what they've always wanted to do. Fucking control all of it and take all of it for themselves and we can all go fuck ourselves. But having said that, the shows were great and I found a really good coffee spot, which was fucking difficult, I'll tell you. Oh boy, I'll tell you. I went on to, you know, I tried to yelp it up there and

see where the best coffee shops were in Atlanta.

And evidently that app has sold their soul to the devil. One of the first recommendations I got was fucking like the top 10 best coffee shops in Atlanta. One of them was the. The Capital One Cafe. Who did they beat out? Chase bank for better fucking coffee.

[Sponsor Announcer]

It's just like, what.

[Bill Burr]

How the f. I don't even need to go is. You know, Sam Jackson better be in there roasting the fucking coffee if he gonna. I mean, you might as well just say Starbucks. So anyway, I had a couple of

hit hit or misses, you know, I

went to some places, I could only kind of judge them by the names. Like that doesn't sound like a chain, right? I guess I should have googled whether it was a chain or not. And I went to one on the first day. You know, great people working there, but, you know, you walk in and it looks like an apples. Everything looks like a Apple store. So when I was walking back, I found this one that is also, you know, has three locations in Atlanta, but was the best I could do. Sort of a ballpark themed, like place and. But like, you know, I like the. Just when I went in there, the vibe was a lot better. It looked like a coffee shop and the kids behind the counter look like they gave a. You know. So I've been walking over to that one, you know, just Billy, old man, Billy, old man doing old man stuff. Just, you know, living a little life. Just living a little life, walking around, fucking. I don't know what. So anyway, I don't have a car out here, so I just been kind of like walking the. The neighborhood that I'm in and I don't know, I found this. This good. This great restaurant. I already forget the name of it. A soul food place. Obviously, the influence of. Nia. I went in. I did miss the breakfast, so I started the day with the lunch. I got a small part in a movie coming up, so Billy's got a. I gotta shave down the ham here, you know what I mean? I gotta go with the parfait or whatever. Although I did not do this. That. This. This morning. I did not. But every other day I've made it to the gym. I've been doing the right thing. I also went on like Nia told Me. She goes, you should go on Instagram, but I'm not good with the searches or whatever. So like all the recommendations I got were like, they had like the plastic cups and the pastries. I just for the life of me do not understand somebody showing me like a great cup of coffee or a matcha in like this giant plastic cup, you know, at least get it iced so you don't get those plastic microplastics in your brain. Doesn't this sound like some sci fi shit? Like, what are we doing? And then my favorite one was this woman just goes, she was like an influencer and she was just going like,

[Sponsor Announcer]

I love this cafe. It's just. I love this cozy little cafe.

[Bill Burr]

And then when she gets inside, she

[Sponsor Announcer]

goes, it's so spacious.

[Bill Burr]

It's just like, how can it be cozy and spacious

[Sponsor Announcer]

at the same time?

[Bill Burr]

That's that microplastic swimming around in your fucking brain.

Anyway, but I was able to find my, my coffee spot. That's all I need. That's all I need. When I'm out here for the nice coffee place, I can just walk to and chill out and I can fucking work on my stuff. And then I got a benefit coming up and I'm gonna do a stand up show and then play like four songs on drums afterwards, like, like I did when I was in England last year. And I can't, I don't want to ruin the set list, but these goddamn songs. Each one of them, each one of them's got the little tricky thing there, and I haven't really had the time to try to map it out. So this afternoon I gotta kind of make the old billy drum chart here to figure out like, okay, you know, it's one of those things where, you know, it's in four, then it goes into halftime, and then they play a bar of three, you know, and it's just like, really?

It's a song.

It's a song I've heard a million times.

[Sponsor Announcer]

And when it was suggested, I was

[Bill Burr]

like, oh, yeah, yeah, I can play that. I can play that. And then I listen to it. I'm like, you know when you're playing drums and you're going along and then all of a sudden it's like turned around, like, all right, something just happened there. Three, five or seven. That's what I always guess.

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Something bar three, bar of five or a bar of seven, something just happened there.

[Bill Burr]

And I am, I'm upside down in this.

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The old two bass drums in a row. Hey, there it is,

[Bill Burr]

back on the beat. There, here's like a funny little social moment. I'm in, I'm in the. The cafe and they have. It's like a baseball themed. I don't know if I can tell this story. I don't get the person in trouble. Yeah. That this way. This world is now. Someone would just get this kid. It was innocent, but they'll get this kid fired because they're not happy with their own life. You know what I mean? Like remember those people at the Coldplay? The Coldplay fucking concert. Like everybody did like this deep dive into their life like they were cheating on them. It's just like, dude, like you have no idea.

[Sponsor Announcer]

That woman could have been getting like

[Bill Burr]

beaten or she could have been like the guy just doesn't fuck her anymore.

I don't know.

Like the love died.

You don't know everybody. This is her name.

This is his name. They just tar and feather him. It's like, why can't you just go to the concert today?

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Going to be today.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wrong. No, no, no.

And it was all yellow.

You're still.

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Yeah, that's like people asking me like

[Bill Burr]

one of my sports teams.

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There was some sort of scandal, some

[Bill Burr]

off field scandal, some sort of love triangle.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Go on.

[Bill Burr]

What do you think about it? I. You know what I think?

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I think it's none of my fucking business.

[Bill Burr]

I don't give a shit.

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I'm here for the music.

[Bill Burr]

I'm here to watch the game. What is going on in people's personal lives?

[Sponsor Announcer]

I don't think that's any of my goddamn business.

[Bill Burr]

The Internet always wins. No, it doesn't. I mean it's good at destroying an individual. I haven't seen. Has he? Well, wait, wait. Let's think about it for a second.

I've yet to see it take down

a CEO because they own the Internet. I think. Let me, let me clever in. The Internet does win if you're going after an individual. You know, somebody sneaking around at a cold plate. Yeah. Concert. Oh yeah. That person's right. But like if you're talking about like false flag wars. Yeah. The Internet is not winning anything. Anywho, I had to get a new iPhone. Finally fucking happened. I'm really sad. I was totally happy with my iPhone 13 plus if anybody knows a place that will fix the charger port. Because that's what ended up happening. It stopped. It fell out of love with the charger cord and then I tried to get one of those flat things and that worked for a while and then that stopped. And you know, I did the latest update. And I started thinking like, I bet that's what it did. I bet that's what happened. Like the latest update. I mean, I'm being paranoid here. I think it deliberately sabotaged the charging port to make me have to buy the 17. And this is what's fucking hilarious about the 17. I don't see any difference other than this is sort of creepy.

Cyborg.

Remember, remember Buck Rogers and they had the Cylon raiders? Do you remember? Like the, the, the, the shape of their eye. It was just all one thing going across, I think it was. They kind of have that up top and I don't know what it's doing. I'm gonna put a piece of hockey tape over it and see what happens. Anyway, so now I have one of these. So I guess my life's complete. I can, I can still talk to my loved ones, you know. Anyway, let's get into the, the advertising here for the week.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, look who it is, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

It's him.

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[Bill Burr]

You know, you can put me in if you want to, but I'm going

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[Bill Burr]

the game, coaching the game.

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[Bill Burr]

Look at my cock.

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[Bill Burr]

pill to make your dick bigger? You know, and then the arms race starts because then the dude with the big dick, it's like Barry Bonds was the best fucking guy and then everybody cheated and took steroids.

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Then he had, he had to take steroids.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Jesus Christ, someone's at the door.

Hang on, don't understand. I still don't quite understand what turn down services. That's when they just come back to your room again for some reason going,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

do you want some of this? Do you want. Yeah, no, dude, I'm good.

[Bill Burr]

I'm good. You clean the room. What do you think I did in

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

the last few hours?

[Bill Burr]

Think I'm an animal. Anyways, if they had like a pill to make your dick bigger, then all these little dick dudes would take the fucking pill.

Like Gertrude McFuzz. Remember that story where she sees the bird that has more feathers than her, so then she tries to get more feathers and the next thing you know she's weighted down by the feathers? That's what would happen. Then all the big dick guys, they

would have to take even, you know,

to get that dick even bigger so they can still feel special, right? And then they're like Gertrude McPhuzz now they can't eat. They keep. They're fucking dragging it down the goddamn street. That's going to be crazy. And I'm calling it right now, that's

going to happen in my lifetime.

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The bigger dick pills, you know, and then somebody's going to go with the

[Bill Burr]

generic brand and then what's going to happen? You have this giant dick that's going

to fucking curve around back towards you, you know, like, what do they.

What do they call that?

Or you get like a chicane, you know, like an S shaped fucking dick.

Like there'll be some sort of side effect.

But let's get back to him.

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[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

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[Bill Burr]

your cake and eat it. So if all of a sudden you had to take a pill to get a bigger dick, there'd be a side effect. Like what would happen? What would happen? You know, you'd sprain your taint carrying

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

all that extra, you know, because your

[Bill Burr]

skeletal system wasn't ready to.

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[Bill Burr]

It's, you know, it's a whole fucking thing.

All right, they're working on it. They're working on it right now.

This is what people do in bars. They just make up technology that isn't even out there.

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Fuck, dude, I'm telling you, my brother's in the military. He saw it.

[Bill Burr]

They're working on it right now.

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[Bill Burr]

How the fuck would anybody know that

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they have all. That's got to be the fucking most random question. There's an opening line for you fellas. Walk up to a woman in a bar, be like, hey, did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest, most trusted online nursery with thousands of thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers. Just have her stare at you like, what? They have all your plants, your. They have all the plants your yard or home needs.

[Bill Burr]

You got any weed?

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[Bill Burr]

You gotta put.

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[Bill Burr]

You forgot. You put the fucking thing in there. You come downstairs, you ate a gummy, and all of a sudden there's this fucking thing standing there. You get all freaked out, right? You grab your shoddy and you fucking blow. Then you.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

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[Bill Burr]

I was too high to remember I

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

had a scarecrow in the house.

[Bill Burr]

Took out the fucking scarecrow in a bay window.

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[Bill Burr]

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[Bill Burr]

grow them underground, right?

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[Bill Burr]

Let's grow together.

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[Bill Burr]

Not saying they don't, but they might. It's nice and vague.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right, everybody.

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[Bill Burr]

Like, what if you knew the person breaking in to your. To your house or your apartment was

[Sponsor Announcer]

homophobic and instead of an alarm, you just had some guy going, hey, Thaler, come on in.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Just scares him away. No, you know, I'm just trying to find something. You know, difficult economic times.

[Bill Burr]

I'm thinking maybe there's. There's a way.

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[Bill Burr]

How about those Buffalo Sabres, huh? Tying up the series. Tying up the series.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Is Lindy Ruff

[Bill Burr]

going to fucking out coach. Whoever coaches the Canadians? Because I feel like on paper, as good a team as Buffalo is, I feel like the Canadiens are. They really have a scary good team as far as for the near future. And I would think, you know, who's that guy? Cole Hauser. The guy. The guy in. Cole something or other on the. On the, the left wing, on the first line. Scored like 50 goals. In America, they got a couple guys like that on the team. They got a great goaltender. And, you know, as a Bruins Fan. I hate to admit it, their fucking fan base has the ability, the vibe that they bring to will that team pass the team. I've seen it. I saw it in 1993, one of the great runs in winning of a Stanley Cup I ever saw, because that team had no business winning the cup on paper. And they just. Every time they got to overtime, I lost count of how many times they won it. And they had the great Patrick Waugh in net, who was money, you know, and they got all fucking arrogant, those fans, and they fucking gave him that, that, that, that cheer, that mock cheer when he was having a tough game they left him in. And then he finally made a save and everyone, yay. It was funny, he gave him the finger, but like, you know, he had his blocker and his glove on, so you couldn't tell. And I loved what he did. He skated over the bench and he said to the coach, let me tell you something, you motherfucker, I'm paraphrasing here.

That's.

I just played my last game for you guys. And then he goes to Colorado and he wins two. And the curse of Patrick Waugh has been up there on St. Catherine street ever since. 33 years later, couples just taking pucks

right to the nuts.

No cups mean even The Bruins won one since then. I hate to say we've only won one since 1972. And even that one already, it seems like we won it like seven, eight years ago. That's already 15 years ago.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

What the.

[Bill Burr]

Where is time going? Yeah, speaking of which, I. I have a birthday coming up,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

so I gotta.

[Bill Burr]

I gotta figure out what I'm going to do for my birthday. You know, what do you do for your 58th birthday? 16, you know, if you're rich, you get a car. 18, you go out and vote. 21, you get hammered. And then after that, you kind of run out of ideas. As a guy, you do. Women never seem to run out of ideas.

They were.

They're really good at the party plan and thing. What should I do? It's got to be something where I get my AARP discount. I got that fucking card when I was 50 years old and I've never used it. I don't know how to use it. I don't know where to use it. I know you can use it at the movies and I just. Do you stick it in the machine?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

They're probably gonna do away with that like they're gonna with Social Security as they make it great again. I didn't Realize Trump had so much merch. Do you know he bought old cell phones like the one I had, and he like painted them gold. He bought them for like 75 bucks and he was selling them to his fan base for 500 bucks. It's fucking amazing. Then he had like some sneakers, I guess, and he painted them gold. Isn't that what they call it? Gilding the lily? Isn't that what they call it? You just fucking. It's a piece of shit. You just paint it gold and people

[Sponsor Announcer]

think it's worth something.

[Bill Burr]

He should be on like the shopping network while he runs the country. This is the limited edition gold plated MAGA hat. Very innovative guy. I've never seen a president selling merchants, although I, you know, I do think that they've always had that stuff because I know when they would run for president, like that was the thing that people would collect. I remember the early days of ebay. I would just look shit up and just go down a rabbit hole of. Of just weird shit that people were collecting. And one of the things that you could buy, I'm not gonna lie to you, they're kind of cool with those old, like buttons or pins or whatever. Like during like elections, like I like Ike, they had like Richard Nixon pins. Nixon. Now they had the Kennedy ones, Lyndon Johnson ones. And you know, for those people that would wear those barbershop quartet hats and they would wear a sash and they would show up to like the, the conventions,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

So I guess they. They've had that. So Trump just took it to the next level. He should fucking put out like a Jordan one, just like the Trump one. And he steals the Jordan logo and he just puts his head on top of it. I really wish all of these were jokes. There's probably somebody listening going, yeah, that's

not a bad idea.

I think we could do that. Joe Biden could have had some too. He should have done the hear no evil, see no evil, say no evil with just his head. Oh, God. When is it going to end? When is somebody who actually cares going to get back in office on either side? Is, is it ever going to fucking end? I don't fucking know.

I don't know. Let's just keep talking about sports, people,

bread and goddamn circus.

How about those New York Knicks? Shout out to the guy at the

gym who came up to me going, hey, Bill, I'm not trying to be a dick.

[Sponsor Announcer]

And he shows that he has got a 76. He's a 76er fan.

[Bill Burr]

Like right after they Beat us in a game seven. Somehow he was not being a dick. And he goes, if it makes you feel any better, we're gonna kick the. Out of the Knicks. Then they get swept

[Sponsor Announcer]

and then they get sweat and then there's mod.

[Bill Burr]

I'll be honest with you, I have not, I've not really seen much of sports.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I just keep, when I get off

[Bill Burr]

stage, I just keep catching the end of the, that Minnesota spurs series, which looks like it's good. It was, it was two one spurs and then it was two, two and then I think it's now three two Spurs. Little back and forth action there.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I do have to suggest a book

[Bill Burr]

that I've been reading. Oh my God. Oh my God. You want to talk about me being out off, like getting a little too, you know. Look at the big brain on Brad here. Shit. I've been reading this book came out about 20 years ago. It says, Bill Bryson, a short history of nearly everything. And the stuff that he's explaining in layman's term, Reed, so a summer school kid can understand it. About how we figured out how old the earth is, why the continents are drifting. Black holes, molecules, atoms, electrons, protons, neutrons. All of this stuff that I was just like, what? When I was in high school, it's like I can't deal with life. The visible life. You're going to start talking about the invisible life. It was just always beyond me the way this guy breaks this shit down. And certainly chemistry and all of that stuff is so fascinating that all of these fucking eggheads went out and figure out all of this stuff. And then I'm just thinking like, to what end? Because everything that they discovered was then co opted for money, power and control. Like what they did with all of it, the evil that just came from it, it's just, it's fucking staggering. Like what's going on right now, I guess has always been going on. Like, I guess even like our cans of food were like lead lined all the way into the early 90s. There is something funny about. I mean, I obviously love this country, but the way we abuse our own people. Like, I think somebody needs to walk into all of these corporations, just be like, hey, guys, guys, guys, same team,

[Sponsor Announcer]

same teams, you know, same team.

[Bill Burr]

What are we doing here

anyway? So I've just been like, I don't know, just like, I mean it is, it is just like they couldn't figure out why they were finding the same species of dinosaur bones, you know, in like the Pacific Northwest and like in Kazakhstan or it just didn't make any sense to them. And then someone finally just took a guess as they're looking at the map, going like, I think these kind of

[Sponsor Announcer]

fit together like a jigsaw.

[Bill Burr]

And for whatever reason, these geologists just didn't want to hear it. And they all just went with these theories of land bridges, like, all the way across the Atlantic, which was pretty fucking ridiculous. And then also the amount of women in history that have figured out so much of this shit. And, oh, but they just get trampled. And there's a. Listen, there's a ton of shit where guys come up with shit and then somebody else takes the credit. And being in show business, I'm like, oh, this, this. I know how this works. This sounds familiar. I can tell all you young comics out there, if you're developing a show

[Sponsor Announcer]

with somebody, make sure your name is

[Bill Burr]

on the pilot script or you are not going to get the credit. You're not gonna get it created by credit. I don't give a fuck how many lines you put in that script. If you're there every fucking day. If your name is not on that pilot script, you can fucking kiss that created by credit goodbye. I don't even know if it means anything anymore because there is no syndication. But anyway, you guys should listen. If Bill Burr can read Bill Bryson, so can you. It's really fascinating. And there's sort of this underlying

story

in this, with all of these inventions and all of this knowledge that we got, how always they never seem to do the right thing with it. Sound familiar? All right, there we go. All right, well, that's the podcast here, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to everybody who came out. I'm looking forward to do another show here at the Tabernacle. I got a drum kit there. So I've been working on these goddamn songs during the day, and my new phone doesn't fit the adapter. I need another adapter. Oh, these iPhone. People like, oh, they'll get you. They'll get you. All right, that's the podcast. Please listen to the music picked out by the great Andrew Themelis. And what else, what else, what else? We have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Friday, Monday morning podcast coming up afterwards. And that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and

I'll talk to you on Monday here.

[Musical Interlude or Outro]

Just like an amnesiac Trying to get my senses back Laughing with a mouth of blood From a little spill I took See, I traded my plot of land for a plane to anywhere you go and I. I can't see the future, but I know it's got big plans for me.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

the Monday Morning podcast for Monday.

[Bill Burr]

Monday, May 14, 2018. How are you? What is going on with you? Oh, really? That, that is interesting. I just feel like for me. Do you know I went to a. For Mother's Day. By the way, happy belated Mother's Day out there for all the women out there who are mothers. And you know, there's nothing more important or loving and giving than a. The way they go on and on about mothers. Remember that on Father's Day. Jesus Christ, that's like a fucking blurb, you know, at the bottom of the stock exchange. Oh, by the way, happy Father's Day. There's nothing more important. Anyways, anyways, you know what I mean? They're the quarterback. They get all the fucking glory as a father. You're the left tackle, you know, protecting their ass, and nobody gives a shit. They don't even know when you get traded. Nobody's sitting in the stands wearing your jersey, right? Who the fuck buys fucking left tackles? Fucking goddamn jersey. Is it the guard? Is it the guard position? Is that the one that's all important? Is that the one? I'm sure everybody who plays fantasy football and never competed in their life will

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

let me know that that's not exactly it' to tackle. It's the guard. Or is it to tackle? I don't give a fuck.

[Bill Burr]

So we went to the.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

The Getty Villa, which is a museum, and evidently it's by this guy, John Paul Getty. And John Paul Getty evidently was a really rich guy. And like a lot of rich guys, he didn't pay any taxes, evidently.

[Bill Burr]

So he went out and he bought a bunch of art. John Paul Getty, let's see. Didn't pay taxes. Let's see if this comes up with anything. The reason why J. Paul Getty refused to pay 16. Oh, the billionaire refused to pay kidnappers. Oh, that was Kidnappers. The Tragedy of the Gettys. Oh, now I feel bad.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

What happened?

[Bill Burr]

Severed ears. What happened? Safaree. Can't open this page. Is this still an active case? The billionaire who refused to pay kidnappers to save his grandson's life. What?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, man, what a cold bastard.

[Bill Burr]

The upcoming film, all the Money in the World.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

When the fuck did this come out?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's a film. That doesn't mean anything. That means it was based on a true story. And then everything else is Going to be bullshit, right? It's like that movie Hidden Figures. They start like taking real people and then they combine them together and they amalgam, like take three people and they combine them into one person and then people start coming up to you and they start quoting movies like that, like they read a fucking history book. It's like, no, you went to the movies. You ate gummy bears and popcorn. That's not reading. This is coming from someone who doesn't read. Oh, Kevin Spacey played fucking, fucking J. Paul Getty. The upcoming all the Money in the World has been garnered, garnering a lots of buzz for the scandal around it. A month ago, the filmmakers just.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr]

Not that scandal. I want to hear about the fucking kid's life, all right? But the scandal is based on 1973, John Paul Getty the third, the 16, the 16 year old grandson of the oilman J. Paul Getty, then said to be the world's richest man, worth some 1.2 billion, which is around 9.1 billion today, was kidnapped in Rome. His abductors demanded 17 million bucks, but this guy probably had in his breast coat pocket.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Although rich people never walk around with money, you know, they never have it. They never fucking have it.

[Bill Burr]

Which his family wouldn't pay. Leading to his captors to cut off his right ear. The ordeal, coupled with terrible neglect, ruined the boy's Life. At just 24, he ended up paralyzed as. As a result of a drug overdose. As it turns out, all the money in the world could not save him.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Wow. I wonder what he was probably thinking. Well, if I pay this guy, I'm gonna have to pay everybody.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not giving you 17 million.

[Sponsor Announcer]

You realize how many derricks that could buy?

[Bill Burr]

Yelling at his daughter, well, fuck your husband again without a condom and have another one. Christ, they're free. That's one of the few things in life that's three. Making a baby. Making a baby is free, you know, provided you can find a woman that doesn't need to go on a date and have a relationship first. Other than that, it's probably one of the more expensive things you do. How are you, everybody? This is the Monday morning podcast. It's a little bit late because I was out celebrating Mother's Day. I realized for the nine millionth time

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

in my life, I am not a museum guy. Unless it's like a museum of cars, drums. I would literally enjoy seeing a museum of refrigerators that started with ice boxes, you know, and they just, you know,

[Bill Burr]

oh, back in the 19 fucking teens the first motorized cars. Brought icebox down the street. Got your fucking ice here, you tuberculosis cunts. Get your ice here, right? Watch one of those things. I went to the Harley Davidson Museum.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I obviously enjoyed that, you know, But I'm not a headphones guy, you know, you get to the fucking museum, I'm

[Bill Burr]

gonna tell you guys what kind of

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

guy I am by telling you all

[Bill Burr]

the guys I'm not. And then you can do process of elimination. Okay, what you've learned on this podcast already. I'm not a museum guy. I'm not a headphones guy. And a few podcasts back, I told

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

you I was a breakfast guy, all right?

[Bill Burr]

I'm the kind of guy that tells you what kind of guy he is

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and he isn't, whether you asked or not.

[Bill Burr]

And I'll go on and on and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

on and on and on, and you won't even get to speak. That's the kind of guy I am. I don't like going to museums and you get that little recorder, and then you have, like, the headphones and shit. You got to walk around and look at every goddamn exhibit. I just kind of blow through it and get a gist, and if anything catches my eye, I'm fine with it, you know? I don't need to look at every goddamn knickknack and see what, like, a brooch look like in the middle Ages. So I went to the J. Paul Getty villa, and I imagine 17 million probably put that pool in. So. Although a lot of people would give their ear for that. So maybe he was right. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's what I would do if

[Bill Burr]

my parents were that fucking rich.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

My parents were that goddamn rich, I. I would. I would die of a drug overdose or something. Might do, go out and get a job, you know?

[Bill Burr]

But what sucks is when you're that

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

level rich, they can always hang it over your head. So I would probably rebel and just go my own way, be one of those fucking morons, you know, Instead of having to fucking jump through every hoop, all of a sudden, you got to take fencing classes and all that shit that makes you a gentleman. Learn how to sail,

[Bill Burr]

You know, all that rich white shit that if you're in a fucking will.

You know what I mean?

First of all, someone that has that. That amount of money, for the most part, you know, as far as the movies, tell me when I sit there eating, you know, I don't eat gummy bears. I always go with the fucking peanut M&MS. You can't get the ones that don't have peanuts in them. When you get the plain M&MS. If you actually eat a movie sized bag of one of those so full of sugar, like you start having like disturbing thoughts.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You got to get the Peanut M&Ms, I think. Or I'll get the chocolate covered, covered almonds.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, I'm a peanut M and M guy. I'm not a plain Eminem. When did I start saying what kind of guy I am? This is some middle aged. You realize that when you start talking about that, you know, trying to carve out, you know, hoping somebody someday is going to make a statue of you, it ain't happening. Do you realize how many people you have to kill and oppress in order

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

to get a statue made out of you?

[Bill Burr]

You know, if you don't have an

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

athletic ability, but even then you got to crush a lot of homers, dunk

[Bill Burr]

a lot of balls, score a lot of goals, throw for a bunch of touchdowns. You got to do a lot of shit to get a statue. Everything's a lot. So if you're in power, you have to oppress a lot of people. You have to kill a lot of

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

people, you know, or maybe die tragically.

[Bill Burr]

It's not worth it, you know what I mean? Even if you're like fucking one of

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

those athletes that gets, gets a statue because then what happens? You know, you missed your kids growing up while you were out there fucking, you know, getting your Gordie Howe hat tricks. What were they doing, huh? They were out there getting kidnapped, getting their ears chopped off.

[Bill Burr]

So, you know, I guess, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's a price that everybody pays.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Yeah. So I went through that museum and the only thing I like, they had a giant ball of play doh. That for some reason took somebody 20 years to put together. And I can't imagine how much their significant other much the complaint, you know, And I was a guy. I don't know if my wife just started doing that with the play doh. After a while I'd be like, all right, well, it keeps her happy. You know, she's. I was gonna say she's out of my hair, but I don't have any. Yeah. Other than that. I know it's just a bunch of fucking weird looking statues. Nobody looked happy back in the day. You know, everybody's just fucking grumpy. That's because most people died by the time they were like 20.

[Bill Burr]

Like,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

you know, like, not like people have a problem contemplating their own mortality. Because you can, you know, even if you're a moron, you can pretty much live a good 70 years so you don't have to think about it for a while. You can stand there on your smartphone, right, as you take a picture of

[Bill Burr]

the menu, and then text, what should I get? To your fucking boyfriend or your girlfriend, whatever your deal is. But back then, you know, people like you, you got a fever and you just died. You know, you fell off something, your leg turned fucking black. You just. You just fucking.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

People died back then, you know, they didn't just keep going the way we do.

[Bill Burr]

Once you fucking, you know, anything happened

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

to you back then, you've just fucking died. Mother's given birth died.

[Bill Burr]

Babies in them died. Two for one right there. You know, it really is amazing.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You gotta. You really have to appreciate the level of fucking that has been done globally for us to get to this level. I guess maybe it's science, you know, coming up with aspirin and shit like that.

[Bill Burr]

You know, this is even dumb for me. I'm literally stepping outside myself listening to this.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Here's a funny story for you. Real quickie. All right? Last night, I went down to the Comedy Store. They had the memorial ceremony for Mitzi Shore, the woman who created, started the the Comedy Store and ran it for decades.

[Bill Burr]

And basically, because of what she did,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I got to all of these comedians that I watched. That made me want to be a comedian was because that she started the

[Bill Burr]

place and looked out for him and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

all of that stuff. So I had to go down there, you know, even though I only met her twice, One time I didn't really even meet her.

[Bill Burr]

I was auditioning for her, and they were like, this is Mitzi Shore. And she barely looked at me. And I went up on stage, and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I don't even know how much time I did, but she was gone by the time I got off.

[Bill Burr]

And her review was, he isn't ready. As much as that pissed me off, she was right. I wasn't ready. And then years later, I got in and I talked to her briefly.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So, you know, I didn't want to go up. You know, I hate when people go up on a memorial service and talk when they didn't fucking know the person. So unfortunately, I didn't get to know her. But I definitely more than profited off of all the work that she did and all the comics before.

[Bill Burr]

So thank you to all of them.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So anyway, so I'm down there and, you know, I'm getting to watch all these people talking Telling all these hilarious stories about Mitzi in the Comedy Store back in the day. And this person comes up to me and goes, hey, you know, I guess like an audience member or something was. I was at, you know, comedy groupie or some shit.

[Bill Burr]

Was going, hey, I was in fucking. I was at your show the other night. Were you trying out a bunch of new stuff? I said, ah, you know, a few things here or there were new, but, you know, for the most part, you know, proven stuff. And she goes, what about that MeToo stuff? And I said, oh, no, I've had that since, you know, shit started going down. And she goes, would you like to hear my opinions of that material as a woman, as a female? She goes, would you like to hear my opinions on that material as a female? And I just go, no. I walked away. I just love that. Would you like to hear my opinions as a female? What does that mean, as a female? You are female. Could you give me your opinions as a hermaphrodite? You know, how would you do that? I have no idea. I don't. I'm just. I'm sure that person is a nice person. I didn't take offense to it, but it was one of the easiest questions I've ever had to answer. And I just walked away. And to her credit, she laughed and I just walked away. Away. But I think that's just a symptom

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

of, you know, just the Internet now.

[Bill Burr]

You can comment on YouTube videos, you

can comment on,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

you know, spew every

[Bill Burr]

thought you ever have on a podcast. I'm literally talking to myself, so maybe that's what the it is. But I've never in my life,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I. I've never had a conversation like. That was bizarre. Oh, yeah, by all means, why don't you.

[Bill Burr]

You punch up my shit. That's what I was waiting for. A complete stranger to help me out with my act. Could I have a complete stranger's set of eyes on this shit? And by the way, the material I did, it fucking killed. It fucking killed that night. Let me guess. Your opinion is you didn't like it. Or maybe that's why I'm doing it. If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of an asshole anyways. Plowing ahead, did anybody watch the F1 race over there in fucking. In Spain place? I would love to go someday. What an exciting race.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

They got to do something, man.

[Bill Burr]

They got to do something to these

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

cars where there's some sort of passing in the front row.

[Bill Burr]

It's like Lewis Hamilton just fucking. He just Got to the corner first, he was in pole position, and then that was it. The one exciting thing was Ferrari pitted early and they went to the medium tires, you know? You know, I remember that the one, the ones with the white lettering are medium. It's because they always say white guys are boring, average, whatever, you know, that's how I remember those. Then I always forget, like, yellow, soft

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and super soft is the pink, right? And I'm not going to get into the metaphor about that.

[Bill Burr]

But anyways, the only exciting thing was when Sebastian Vettel pitted early and changed his tires.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And it was just like, is he going to be able to catch him?

[Bill Burr]

And that answer, that was answered pretty

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

fucking quickly with a resounding no. And somehow Lewis Hamilton, after such a

[Bill Burr]

shitty fucking start is fucking. He's back in first place again. And I don't know why it bugs me. That was just because years ago I remember when, like, you know, he was asking his teammate to fucking help him out. This is when he had the, the, the fucking days of thunder, Ricky Bobby shit going on with that fucking guy.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

What the fuck was his name back in the day? Nico Rosberg. They didn't get along,

[Bill Burr]

so Nico was being a teammate for him a few races earlier. And then when it was flipped and Nico was winning the race and they

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

needed Lewis Hamilton to do something, you know, basically do the same thing that Nico did for him, he fucking refused,

[Bill Burr]

which is not what you're supposed to do. You know, he went Kobe Bryant on it. I want the ball. And ever since then I was like, ah, fuck it.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Fuck this guy. I don't like this guy with his red private jet, all right? I'm stalking him.

[Bill Burr]

I don't like, literally not like the

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

guy, but that was just one of those things. It's just like, you know, I don't know. So anyway, so I've somehow being German and Irish guy, I should be rooting

[Bill Burr]

for the Mercedes team, right? I'm mostly German,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

but for some reason I'm rooting for Ferrari.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe because it's just every time, every fucking year, it's like, Mercedes wins. The two years that I've been watching it. I think that's.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That's what it is. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Louis, would you like to hear my opinions of your driving as a male who doesn't drive competitively? So anyways, I'm up here in San Francisco. That's why I had an early flight today.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That's why I. The podcast is very late today.

[Bill Burr]

Flew up here, it was funny.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I checked the weather In San Francisco.

[Bill Burr]

And right before the window opened, I said, gloomy and shitty. And that's exactly what it is. Although the sun's coming out right now. This, this.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Everybody talks about Seattle, how it rains and it's fucking gloomy and all that. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I have had more sunny days on

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

shows in fucking Seattle and Portland combined than I have every time I've come here. It's just always just sort of,

[Bill Burr]

you

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

know, you always have to have a jacket. I can't. Like, if I ever started a store here in San Francisco, I wouldn't try to with the burritos because everybody's got that locked down. But I would definitely have some sort of jacket and hat store. It's just miserable here. And I'm staying at this hotel. I'm doing one Show a night, 7pm shows. I love it. I'm an old guy. I love the 7pm, one show, done at 9 o', clock, I come home, I get in the bed, I relax, you know, I do my Rosetta Stone, a little bit of French, you know, not hurting anybody, just an old bald white guy, right? But anyways, you know, I wanted. You know, my big birthday's coming up. 50, turning 50, June 10th next month. So I wanted to drop the last couple of pounds and I went downstairs and I got this shitty gym.

[Bill Burr]

It's the worst. Do you have a gym?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Yeah, we have a gym. No, you don't.

[Bill Burr]

The gym is smaller than my room.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And I have a basic fucking room with two queen beds. Or maybe the gym is the same size. I think they just took a room and they just.

[Bill Burr]

They got. They got one. That thing where you sit down and pretend you're riding a bicycle.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Which nobody gets on that, right? People who wear makeup and read Us magazine while they work out, get on that fucking thing.

[Bill Burr]

Then they got an elliptical, great.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

But they only got one.

[Bill Burr]

And right next to it is a treadmill. And right next to that is a treadmill. And then you're at the wall. They got a couple of kettlebells, they got some dumbbells. They got no bench, you know. So I guess you're just doing shoulders and curls, you know, I don't know what.

[Sponsor Announcer]

And then you got a couple of

[Bill Burr]

dirty bands down there, those elastic bands.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Well, fortunately, I brought some shit with me. But I don't know. I gotta start making demands here. If I'm gonna be in a hotel, the gym has to be bigger than my hotel room.

[Bill Burr]

Can there be more than one? Because you know what's gonna happen? You Go down there and it's just gonna be fucking. You know, you get down there in the morning, there's just gonna be those

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

gym rats down there, just fucking all

[Bill Burr]

over those things, sweating and shit.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

It's gonna be gross.

[Bill Burr]

But fortunately, it's San Francisco, so I'm

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

just gonna walk the hills. I think that's what I'll do.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, and how about those Celtics? I taped the game. I didn't see one second of it. I was over at the J. Paul

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Getty Pavilion, whatever the fuck I was.

[Bill Burr]

The. The villa, which I.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You.

[Bill Burr]

Actually, when I fly. When I do solo flights, I fly out of Burbank a lot. And I go all the way out past Camarillo. I always call it Camarillo because a

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

rich Camarillo punter for the Patriots.

[Bill Burr]

And then I come down the coast, all the way down Malibu, right as you get to the Pacific Palisades, you get on with Santa Monica Airport and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

you say, at the.

[Bill Burr]

At the Getty Villa, helicopter, whatever, whatever, whatever. Santa Monica tower, helicopter, whatever, whatever. Southbound along the coast at the Getty Villa.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Requesting fucking eastbound transition through your fucking airspace. Sorry, I'm out of it. This is why I never do podcasts. When I fly. I don't know what the hell happens. I flew southwest and there was no

[Bill Burr]

fucking stand up on the flight. It was great.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

No, bad stand up on the flight and cruised right up here. Great flight and all that. And anyway, so yesterday I was at the Fucking. The Getty Villa, and that's when the Celtics game was on. I missed the whole fucking game. And I don't know how we did it, but we beat them and we won by 20 points, which is amazing, but I'm thinking that might have been like a fucking hangover game, because. No, yeah, they were. They were idle. That's right, because they swept Toronto. So game two is fucking huge.

[Bill Burr]

Game two. I actually think if we win game two. Having watched three Celtics games this year, if we win game two, we.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I am.

[Bill Burr]

I think, actually, I think game two

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

is a must win

[Bill Burr]

because.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Because they got LeBron James.

[Bill Burr]

LeBron James, one of the biggest enigmas I've ever. As far as, like, what that guy has done versus the level of shit that he gets. I just. I don't understand it. Is a people ever going to forgive that guy for taking his talents down to South Beach? All right, so he went down there, he was part of a couple of pylon fucking teams. But then he went back to Cleveland and won them their first fucking championship since fucking Jim Brown. In 1965, that should have been the end of the movie. The man redeemed himself that. I've never seen a guy, no matter what the fuck he does, people find a reason to shit all over him. And what kills me is, meanwhile, Kobe Bryant demanded free agents every fucking year for Shaq out of town. Cost him a fucking championship because Shaq was still in his prime. He went to Miami. They won there. Never gets any shit or doesn't get nearly as much. I don't. I. For the life of me, I don't

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

understand why LeBron James gets so much shit.

[Bill Burr]

He's literally willing this team into the.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Into the conference finals.

[Bill Burr]

So whatever other people don't understand that guy, I get. I get who that fucking dude is. And I think if we don't win

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

game two, we have no shot at winning this series.

[Bill Burr]

And even if we do win game

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

two because of LeBron James, I don't know. I got 200 bucks on this series, though. Somebody talked me into it. I was like, dude, I ain't got a fucking. If we win two games, I'm going to be thrilled.

[Bill Burr]

We got to the Eastern Conference finals, you know, without Rick Roby and Eric Fernstein. Who's that guy we got from the Cavaliers who's out? I already don't remember his name. The other guy there, Mo Howard that we got from fucking Utah. I missed every Celtic game this year,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

just about, except for, like, maybe two. I know Jaylen Brown and Rosier and Tatum have been the story. Kyrie Irving. There we go. I think next year we're going to look pretty good. Be great to get another championship before the Lakers rebuild. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see what the fuck happens. But I should probably. You know what's great, though, is the fact that I have early shows. I think I can actually catch a lot of the games this week. Maybe get back into it. It's fucking hilarious. I'm watching the Celtics for the last two years, and now they're like, got a. Well, I can't say legit shot to be killed. You know something? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this week. Why don't I just do a little bit of advertising here? How about that? I went old school, by the way. I brought all my shit up here, brought all my podcasting stuff up here, something I haven't done in a while. And you would think if I were to bring all my equipment up here,

[Bill Burr]

I'd actually have

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

a decent podcast, but But I haven't. There you go. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of which, this run of dates here is my last tune up before

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I go over there and do these. Those two huge shows, which in a good way, I am nervous about. I want to make sure that I have good shows. So I am going to be doing

[Bill Burr]

a bunch of shit this week.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And then that'll be what, the end of this week will be 18th.

[Bill Burr]

All right, seven.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

So I still have. I still have like a two week gap. I'm gonna have to do a lot of popping and doing some shows to make sure I stay on my game here. All right.

[Bill Burr]

In the eye of the beholder oh,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

why did I write that down?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, you know what? Because since my Bruins lost in the

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

playoffs, I ended up. Some friends want to get together and they want to play that Metallics Metallica song, Eye of the Beholder from off of the Injustice for All album. I believe it's track number two. And so I've been listening to all this Metallica, and I never used to listen to them. I went the other way.

[Bill Burr]

I listened to more

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Warrant than I listened to Metallica. I like single bass drum playing, and I just like. It was just too raw, too fast for my ears. I never got into it. So now, of course, I'm going back down, listen to it going, oh, my God, this shit is unbelievable. And I actually sat down, I took

[Bill Burr]

a video of it.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'll take a video of it and I'll post it. I actually wrote the entire drum chart out in my own chicken scratch. I didn't put down the hi hat or any of the crash cymbals, just. Just so I could make sense of the song. And what I notice about Lars playing is he's pretty religious when in the chorus. And then, you know, with a lot of time changes, obviously, on that album. So those drum parts are pretty repetitive. But in the fucking verses. That guy is just like flying by the seat of his pants. So he has all these different little things that he does.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Really, really fun album to listen to. And so I sat down and I wrote out the whole drum chart for that song. It's like four or five pages long because I was trying to memorize. I'm like, this is going to take me for ever. Why don't I. I know how to read drum music. So why don't I just sit down and write this out? And I'm really glad that I did. But then I have to watch out. Like. Like I get into. So then all of a sudden it's like well, I'm gonna write out the drum chart for shortest strike. I'm do the whole fucking album.

[Bill Burr]

Anything to keep me out of the buzz.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'm not gonna lie to you. I had one drink Saturday and one drink Sunday. Small ones and very small ones. And now I'm back on the wagon again. So that's how I'd like to drink. I'd like to really think about drinking now before I do it, which is what I think about is the next morning and how awesome I have felt not drinking. So I had a very, very, very fucking incredible tequila. And it wasn't even a finger. Like, as far as how much I poured. Maybe it was a finger. And I just sipped it. It was nice. I really enjoyed it. Didn't even have ice on it. Nothing. Just really nice. And then that was it. And then I was done. And then I had a water right next to it, and I merely go one. If I go to the water, that. That fucking makes me not go like, oh, I'm gonna have a fucking bunch of these. So anyways, I think I'm gonna. The goal anyways is just kind of chill this week.

[Bill Burr]

And,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

you know, I've been talking to a couple other my buddies who've just been starting to slow down a little bit with the drinking. And it's just more like. I don't know how you look at it, you know, because I am not by any means a young man anymore. And that shit will fucking age you and kick the shit out of you, and life is hard enough. I don't need to be adding that, you know? So anyways, speaking of which, I found a healthy place near my hotel, and I just walked down there, got that stuff and all that, you know, So

[Bill Burr]

I guess I got it. I got it. It's time to pass the baton, okay? Partying is a young man's game, and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'm done with it. There, I said it. I want to be done with it. I should say every once in a while, though. Every once in a while, you know, I go to that one big college football game a year. I go to the Rose bowl and, you know, whatever. Maybe three, four times a year. But other than that, I'm fucking done with this shit, okay?

[Bill Burr]

I hope, anyways, all right, Ex wife pretended to be my parole officer,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

okay?

[Bill Burr]

A Billy Blue Balls. I wish making this story. I wish I was making this story

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

up, but I am not.

[Bill Burr]

Well, how would she pretend to be

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

your parole officer without you knowing? She must have done it to somebody else somehow. She must have fucked you over?

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, I'm in my early 40s and had been married for 12 years. Unfortunately, the marriage ended in a divorce last year. What? When she found out you were in the mob. How? Fuck. You're married for 12 years. This guy's like a responsible fucking dude. He ends up going to jail. Even though we had no children, my wife got to keep the house in the divorce settlement. Of course she did. Of course she did. But they're always victims, and the guy's always the fucking asshole. Divorces and alimony are expensive, so for the past year, I've been renting a townhouse. Well, dude, you're doing fine.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You're renting a townhouse in this little

[Bill Burr]

community where most of the other residents are elderly couples.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, I see.

[Bill Burr]

So you wait for someone to die and you moved in there. I love it. I enjoy. Just don't steal their fucking Social Security checks. I enjoy living here. And even though most the other residents are older, there is a nice community center that has a tennis court. Yeah, and you're fucking beating everybody. Feeling like a young man. And a pool. And events during the week, and sometimes even live music. So all in all, not too bad of a situation. Well, about three months ago, I met this great lady and we began to date. My ex wife found out and did not take it well that I was back in the dating pool so quickly. Yeah, because why get in the house, you know? She just got the fucking house. So she went around to all my neighbors pretending to be my parole officer.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Wow.

[Bill Burr]

Well, they're all witnesses. Why don't you sue her for defamation of character? Can you do that? She claimed that I am a registered sex offender, and she was following up to see if I had gone around door to door to admit to my neighbor I was a sex offender. Oh, you got to sue the shit

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

out of this woman.

[Bill Burr]

Obviously, I did not do this because I am not a sex offender. And so all the neighbors said no, I had not disclosed to them my sex offender passed. I had no idea my ex did this until a week later, I got a letter from the community board of residents requesting that I move out for being in breach of state laws requiring me to disclose my sex offenses. All right, dude, all you need is a lawyer, brother. All you need is a lawyer. This is easy. This is fucking easy. I, of course, went to the board and told them that they were all lies, but they did not believe me because I could not prove I'm not a sex offender. Yeah, you can go get your fucking record. I found A website and searched my name and of course nothing came up, but they wouldn't believe me. Plus, dude, this is so simple. This is so simple. Sue your wife and sue this fuck and say you're gonna sue this old fucking folks home if they kick you out. Plus, they said even I was telling. Even if I was telling the truth and then my ex is lying. They don't want me in my community because I hang around people who wouldn't lie about such a transgression. Okay, well that's. That's kind of fair on their part. I do not want to move. Especially because they said they did not. They don't have to give me any sort of refund and I'd be liable to pay the remainder of my lease. I'm not sure what my options are. And to involve the legal team will only add to expenses. Well, you'll send them right back to her. And I still may have to move. What do I do? Thanks for listening and go fuck yourself. Well, provided you're not a sex offender. I would get a fucking lawyer and tell the guy, listen, you got a fucking, you know, what do they call that? Working pro bono or some shit? Working for the SAG minimum. I would absolutely get a lawyer. I would absolutely get a lawyer. And I think you're the judge in your divorce case who handles your alimony and all that shit should know what this woman did. I would press. I would find out whatever, whatever legally you can do whatever a law she must that can't be fucking legal to do that. And then you got all that shit that they do, all the emotional stress and how this fucking affected you. And I would sue the fucking shit out of her. That is all. That's what I would do. Absolutely get a lawyer. Absolute fucking lutely get a lawyer. Jesus fucking Christian. Do you see this? This is why this me too shit where you've created this thing now where you don't need any proof. You know what I'm saying? I'm all for getting all these bad guys, you know, outed and all that shit, but you can't just create a system where you take due process and you throw it out the fucking window, okay, because of shit like this. And I know all the hype out there right now is that women are victims and there are all these fucking angels. And the truth of the matter is, is there's assholes and there's vindictive people out there who have dicks and sometimes they have vaginas. And you just can't have people going

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

around fucking doing stuff like this.

[Bill Burr]

And, you know, if we're really going to go into a future where everything is fair, you have to start. You know, women have to be responsible for their actions. You can't fucking go around and do

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

something like that over some petty bullshit

[Bill Burr]

to fucking ruin a guy's life like that. I mean, do you realize, like, how vindictive that is? That is un fucking believable. And I, like, I'd be honest with you, I would never in a million years matter how long I sat there and thought I could never come up

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

with something as bad as that. And

[Bill Burr]

I don't need to tell the guys listening to this that women can effortlessly do that. Hell hath no fury like a fucking woman scorned, especially when they're not held fucking respons. You know, I just love how women can get away with like, destruction of property. There's even a commercial on TV where this guy is going through some sort of breakup and this woman is just throwing all of his shit out the fucking window. Computers and all that. And it's played for comedy. It's fucking considered hilarious. You know what I mean? Which, fine, I can roll with that. But you can't, you know, have some overbearing guy screaming at his fucking wife played for comedy anymore. I guess she used to be able to do that. But you know, sir, if you were actually innocent of all everything that she just did there, I would absolutely. You know what, dude? Why don't you start a startup? Start a startup to get a fucking lawyer. You give me the link, dude, and I'll. I'll throw 500 bucks at it. Sue the shit out of her. If she fucking did this to her. Sue the fucking shit out of her. Good luck to you, all right? And I'll. And I'll tweet out the fucking link and everybody just get on this thing and let's get this guy a fucking lawyer so he can get on with his goddamn life. He's not doing anything wrong, according to him. Okay?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

As long as what he's doing, he's telling the truth. Other than that, I think I might

[Bill Burr]

be giving $500 to a sex offender. Kidding. All right. Crazy wife. Jesus. Hey, ladies, can you guys write in too? Because I want to keep this balanced. I don't want this to be a

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

fucking sausage fest here. All right, all right.

[Bill Burr]

Crazy wife. I have a wife I met overseas. All right, well, you know what?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

That's your fucking fault.

[Bill Burr]

All right? You know, you're going to go over there and they're going to have their fucking wooden shoes and their awful teeth.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I mean, what.

[Bill Burr]

You know, you're going to be over here and bring her around the Buffalo Wild wings. What do you think's going to happen? Anyways? He goes, I'm 25 and she's 22. We're not technically married since we didn't finalize the paperwork.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Okay, then what is the problem?

[Bill Burr]

We just had the ceremony. Which is the only reason this question is worth asking. Otherwise, I just deal with it.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Okay, fair enough.

[Bill Burr]

By now it seems like the possibility of dealing with the consequences of dropping her is the better option.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Okay, this.

[Bill Burr]

This already feels like you've already made your decision.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You just want me to back it up.

[Bill Burr]

We were dating two years. She was normal. But since we got married, she flips out and gets hysterical over little things to the point where I feel awkward to just be next to her even when we're alone. My first guess is she got married too young and she's freaking out because I would guess most of her friends aren't married yet. At 22, I think she must be bipolar or something. She's still overseas. I'm about to submit to the paperwork to get her a visa, but I'm at a critical point in my future career that's very competitive and I can't

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

deal with any of that, much less

[Bill Burr]

put up with it for the rest of our lives. When she freaks out, she says things like she wished she hadn't married me and fuck me and all that, which is one thing, but then she says she wishes she were dead and that she wants to kill herself.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Oh, dude, dude, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

I would take that paperwork and I would go down to Staples and say, hey, you know, I'm in the market

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

for a paper shredder.

[Bill Burr]

Do you have the cross cutting one maybe? Yes. Any way you could plug it in? I could just try it out. And then when they plug it in, you put that marriage contract in there. And then look at the Staples guy and be like, yeah, I mean, it's nice, but I don't think I need it. I don't think I like it. And then just walk out. All right, because, dude, I think you're going to end up like the guy in the last one, living in an old folks home with some crazy fucking woman anyways. He goes, I can find someone else, but my friends and family know we got married and we're expecting to have her over soon.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Dear parents aren't going to give a fuck.

[Bill Burr]

Is it better to bite the bullet and Admit I made a dumb choice rushing into marrying this girl before I have to deal with the divorce settlements. It absolutely is. Keep in mind her culture is very old fashioned and her friends and family would look down on her and she might never date, marry again. Not your problem. Not your fucking problem. She met one foreigner, she can meet another. And in case you're wondering, I'm an average looking white dude. She's a solid eight.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Dude, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

[Bill Burr]

All right? Okay, dude, this is in the fact that she's not even there. I mean, wherever the fuck you are, this is, this is the greatest thing ever. The situation that you're in is so easy. Just don't sign the papers, you know, just call, just. And just be totally honest with her. Just say your mood swings are so crazy that I, you know, I no longer want to marry you and let her flip out and let her scream and yell and say she's going to kill herself and all that. Dude, you know, you can feel bad for her, but you know, you live once, okay? You only live once, okay? And being married is difficult. Even when you marry the right person. Forget about somebody that, that's, that emotionally radic, erratic. She's saying, I wish I never got fucking married so early in the marriage that you haven't even submitted the fucking papers. I mean, Jesus Christ, dude, take the hint. And you're not happy. And you've already made the decision. You know what you're worried about? Dude, it's gonna be weird for about fucking four or five days. It's like shaving your head. People like, dude, what the fuck? And after five days, I can't remember what you look like with hair. Dude, walk away. Fucking dump her and just go to the bar and get yourself a really nice fucking ipa, right? A really nice fucking beer, whatever the fuck you want. And just sit there and just know that you, your whole future is, is, is just wide open, Wide open. Anything can fucking happen, okay?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And that's it, dude. Walk the away.

[Bill Burr]

And God bless you for writing in

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

before you ended up in that other guy's situation. 12 years in and you got that nightmare.

[Bill Burr]

Please start that startup, dude, I'm not giving, I'm not kidding.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'll give you fucking 500 bucks. All right?

[Bill Burr]

Worried about my future. Hey, Billy Eight Ball. I love the comedy, the podcast, all of it. I have a problem and was wondering to get some of your advice. I am the oldest of six and I am a junior and I am a junior in High school soon. Entering my senior year, everything is going fine, but the only thing is that I don't want to go to college. Well, then don't go. I personally think college is a scam. And unless you want to do. To do specialized profession. Unless you want to do a specialized profession, I 100% agree. But besides that, it's nothing but an institution to make debt slaves.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right, well, okay, okay, relax, relax.

[Bill Burr]

It's also a great place to meet women. You know, it's a great social thing, too. He goes, I want to leave my home state and move out to Wyoming and become a correctional officer. The only problem is my parents want me to become a lawyer. I don't want to become a lawyer. I want to be. I want to do law enforcement. How do you think I should go about telling them I love the podcast and go fuck yourselves? I would say, mom and Dad, I have something important that I need to talk to you about. Don't worry, nobody's pregnant. I'm not on drugs. Okay, start with that joke so they'll relax. It's not life or death, just something I need to talk to you about. Sit them down and say, listen, I don't want to be a lawyer. I want to be in law enforcement. And then that's it. And let them react how they're going to react. But you do what you want to do in life. I wouldn't have such a bleak look about. You're definitely informed, but you don't want to get so dark that you bung people out that you say stuff like debt slaves. There's also people that go to college for one year and they meet somebody else and then all of a sudden they build a computer and they make fucking billions of dollars. There's all different ways you can do it. There's also ways go to a fucking community college for two years and then transfer into the fucking more expensive, fancier school. The piece of paper is still going to say that you graduated from there. You're going to. It's going to cost you half as much. There's a bunch of ways to do it, all right? But I would just sit down. Just tell your parents what the deal is. Just let them know, like I said, that you didn't get anybody pregnant and you're not fucking on drugs so they can fucking relax.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

Boston or Chicago for a lady. Hey, Billy. Burger Tits. I'll have you know that I'm back into working out. I'm back doing push ups. I don't have burger Tits. I Have slider tits. Thank you very much. I'm a 28 year old engineer from the North Shore there went to school in Boston, now work in Boston and I live in Somerville.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Saying you rent.

[Bill Burr]

That used to be called Slummerville. Now it's all fucking hipsters and cupcake places and all that. It's amazing. I started dating this girl a little over a year ago who lives in Somerville too, but it's from Chicago. Bo but is from Chicago. She just got a new job in Chicago and is moving back there in a month. We talked about this happening before and kind of just decided to play it by beer, she said and deal with it when it comes. Well, it came and short term solution is that I will stay in Boston for the next year and do long distance relationship.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

All right, wait a second. Start dating this new girl a little over.

[Bill Burr]

So you've been in it for a year. You're 28.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

So I guess my problem is that I'm kind of at an age where I should buy a house instead of throwing money away in rent. And so if I decided to move to Chicago, I think we would settle down there and stay there. But I love living in the Boston area. Granted, I've never lived anywhere else, so who knows what it will be like. I'm still very close with all my high school friends who all live around here. My old man's always on me about buying a house here and wants to fix it up together. If I move to Chicago, that doesn't help. Do I choose the girl and life most likely in Chicago or stay here, save up for a house, be close to friends and family and try to convince her to come back to Boston. So a few years ago at the Wilbur will be at the garden show in October with the boys. Can't fucking wait, dude. Thank you. Thank you for that.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I don't know, dude.

[Bill Burr]

Is she the one? That's what I would ask myself. I would. This is what I will. I want you to do this over the next fucking year. Why don't you go out there and

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

visit Chicago and see if you like

[Bill Burr]

it and see if you still like that person.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

The great thing is you don't have to make this decision right now.

[Bill Burr]

If you wait another year to buy

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

a house, no biggie. Okay. As far as making a rash fucking

[Bill Burr]

decision, dumping this person or buying a place in Boston or buying a place out there before you know about it, I would just go out there and I'd get the lay of the land. I get the lay of the Land there. I can tell you Chicago is an incredible city. I love it. The food's amazing, the people are amazing, the sports there are incredible. But you know who's kidding who?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

You're always going to be a Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox or Patriots fan. You just have to be.

[Bill Burr]

But now you got the sports packages and all of that. But I can't tell you, since 1995, I have been living behind enemy lines as a sports fan.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I don't think it'll be as bad in Chicago. I just lived New York and la, so it was like fucking Yankee fans and Laker fans. So it's just that bullshit. Also during the Curse of the Bambino. So.

[Bill Burr]

But that is a big decision

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and I don't know how much you're into this person. All right, I would think it was your soulmate, it would be a no brainer and you just go wherever the fuck she was going.

[Bill Burr]

Within reason though, because you can meet

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

your fucking soulmate, you know, if they go into some shithole, you know, you're not going to want that. But Chicago is not a shithole.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I mean, I, obviously I can't

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

make this decision for you, but if you think

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, you know, when you know, you know when you're

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

with the right fucking person. So if you feel that, then I wouldn't, you know, worry about going somewhere where she lives because it's Chicago. I mean, that's a good move. Chicago's fucking great one. They went from Boston to like fucking, I don't know, Albany. No offense, Albany, but you know, what the fuck? I don't know, dude. I can't make this fucking decision for you. But I wouldn't buy a house or move out there until you figured it out. How about that? Your high school friends, but you guys

[Bill Burr]

are all gonna get married and have

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

kids and then you're never gonna fucking see each other anyways, I can tell you that. Or barely see each other.

[Bill Burr]

Or fucking go out and have to

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

be home by 9:30 or 10:00 clock for the sitter.

[Bill Burr]

Which is a really healthy life. Which is why I wished, you know, I got married and had kids a long fucking time ago. I wouldn't be fucking out there running around staying out all hours of the night. Which is what I would do because I didn't want to go back to the empty, lonely hotel room. So I would stay out as long as I could tell. I was about ready to fall asleep

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

and I would just come into the

[Bill Burr]

hotel room and just fucking collapse. So there you Go. There's my advice from a fucking moron comedian. All right, that. That was my. My opinion as a male. For me, anyways. All right, go Celtics. Game 2. Red Sox and Yankees tied in first place, which is awesome. Red Sox was on fire. Now we've cooled off. Now the Yankees are on fire, tied for first place, and maybe they're a game ahead. It's right where you want it. It's right where you want it. It's no fun being in first place if the Yankees aren't there. As a Red Sox fan, okay? And we've played each other six times and we're three and three. So hopefully we'll get to, you know, battle it out in September, maybe we both make the make the playoffs, we meet once again in October. That's what I'm hoping for. And hopefully the Lakers get fucking good again so we can beat their asses in the final next year. God knows they'll go out and fucking get a whole bunch of free agents. Who doesn't want to play out there? Racist la. It's always summer and you can fuck movie stars. All right, that's it. As opposed to racist Boston, where you got to deal with the winners and for the most part, you go walk around fucking sixes and sevens. Well, I guess you'd fuck tens, but there's not as many tens in Boston.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

And the best tents, the top of the line tents, they all leave. They all go to the major them, like New York or fucking la. And then New York and la claim them as if they're from there, but they're not.

[Bill Burr]

Like New York City is a free

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

agent town, as is la. There's just a bunch of fucking people coming in there. So anyways, all right, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

That's the podcast for this week. I will check in on you on Thursday. Thanks for all the kind notes about the Bill Hader interview.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

Like to do more of those in the future.

[Bill Burr]

And that's it. If you haven't checked out Barry yet on hbo, Promoted against might be my favorite show out there right now. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly a comedian or friend)]

I'll talk to you on Thursday.

[Musical Interlude or Outro]

The water out of it and sending consolation prizes to my next of can. I. Can't see the future, but I know it's watching me. I my own friends are so friend. I, sam.