Breakthroughs, A Bike Ride, The Valley | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast — "Breakthroughs, A Bike Ride, The Valley"

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast | December 4, 2025
Host: Bill Burr (featuring Nia Renée Hill, Paul Virzi, Dean Del Rey, Jake the Snake, Andrew Semless, Billy Mango Tits [alter ego/guest])

Overview

This energetic, riff-heavy episode features classic Bill Burr rants on American resistance to change, consumer privacy, and the strangeness of dictatorships, alongside personal reflections on therapy, mental health, and breakthrough experiences. Sports—football in particular—dominate much of the second half with Bill and cohosts breaking down NFL matchups, the playoffs, coaching news, and hilarious personal anecdotes about road gigs and sportsbook gambling. The show mixes sharp social observations, vulnerability, and an open Q&A segment, with characteristic Burr humor and banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. American Measurements & Resistance to Change

[00:30 – 05:00]

• Bill and alter ego "Billy Mango Tits" mock the U.S.'s stubborn refusal to adopt the metric system.
• They recall failed 1970s attempts to convert, the confusion it causes, and draw a political parallel to dictatorships and enforced conformity.
• Quote: "Why don't you just stop trying to be different?" —Billy Mango Tits [00:10]

2. Tech Paranoia & Consumer Privacy

[04:37 – 05:50]

• Bill riffs on the absurdity of “smart” lightbulbs and the steady erosion of privacy.
• Critique of the performative “freedom” in American culture versus passive acceptance of corporate surveillance.
• Quote: "How do we keep allowing these infringements on our privacy...we keep buying clothes that say ‘freedom’...but we're doing nothing." —Billy Mango Tits [05:00]

3. Therapy Breakthroughs & Emotional Health

[06:04 – 08:40]

• Bill opens up about recent significant progress in therapy, particularly around releasing long-held anger and embracing vulnerability.
• He describes crying as "the mushrooms of emotions" and advocates for working through feelings previously shameful to express.
• Describes an “acid trip”-like massage and breathing experience that unearthed old childhood memories and emotional relief.
• Quote: "If you cry, it's literally—that is like the mushrooms of emotions. And you feel better afterward..." —Billy Mango Tits [07:08]
• Quote: "It's fucking crazy. Crazy how long it took me to just do that. And as always, it's just—you think it's a mountain, and you're just stepping up onto, like, a curb..." —Billy Mango Tits [08:47]

4. Sports & NFL Commentary

[09:09 – 31:10]

• Recaps Patriots’ recent win, skepticism about their playoff chances, and the unpredictable NFL season.
• Compares sports fandoms, flawed playoff systems, and the headache of trying to measure teams’ real strengths.
• Long, animated breakdowns of football strategies, team performance, and coaching mind-games.

Football Discussion Highlights

• Patriots, Giants, Seahawks, Eagles — specific players, injuries, and playoff implications analyzed.
• Quote: "I think we got as good a chance as anybody to go pretty far in the playoffs." —Billy Mango Tits [09:33]
• Quote: "As a comedian, I know that feeling. You start to go into a joke, halfway through it, you're like, I don't even remember where this joke goes. But if you don't give in to that panic, it just kind of comes out of your mouth." —Billy Mango Tits [13:31]

5. Motorcycles, Mental Health, & The Value of Hobbies

[14:11 – 18:52]

• Bill recounts a therapeutic scenic motorcycle ride with Dean Del Rey, extolling the meditative quality of biking and the beauty of the Indian Scout RT and Harley Road Glide.
• Affirms the importance of hobbies for mental health and the satisfaction of “being present.”
• Quote: “When I'm riding a motorcycle, I'm not thinking anything about riding the motorcycle and not wiping out. I'm really like present and fucking locked in.” —Billy Mango Tits [15:11]

6. Hollywood, The Valley & Social Commentary

[26:46 – 30:00]

• Bill discusses the making of the movie "Old Dads" and how the team sought to accurately represent the lesser-known, politically diverse neighborhoods of LA—as opposed to the city’s “liberal Hollywood” stereotype.
• Commentary on economic history, labor, the influence of the ultra-rich, and media-fueled social divisions.
• Quote: "If they could pay you nothing...they would. That's why they're focusing on immigrants and...distract you with. Because what it is, is if you really look at history, is they have never wanted to pay.” —Billy Mango Tits [29:19]

7. Relationship & Life Advice Q&A

[67:28 – 92:29]

Classic segment with listener emails, where Bill responds with humor and tough love:

• Awkward Side Hug: Navigating a pointless apology request for a harmless side hug at a wedding.
  • Quote: "Who the fuck wants to go to a wedding? This is great. You gotta know. All right?" —Bill Burr [70:59]
• Motocross Boyfriend: Advice to a woman anxious about her partner’s dangerous hobby—told to value independence and let people pursue what they love.
• Kramer-like Neighbor: Handling an intrusive, overly friendly neighbor—suggests stronger boundaries, humor, and, half-jokingly, a BB gun.
• Crying Fiancée: An arranged marriage story—fiancée cries thrice weekly; Bill consults wife Nia for perspective.
  • Nia: "Nobody loves somebody that much they cry three times a week." [93:17]
  • Hilarious back-and-forth on emotional support and gender roles.

8. Modern Media, Gender, and Comedy Burnout

[39:10 – 44:26]

• Bill vents about political correctness’ chilling effect on standup and the lack of genuinely subversive art in youth culture.
• Laments the modern tendency to “trial by social media,” referencing college football scandals, false accusations, and public piling-on.

9. Candid Marital Banter & Hilarious Domestic Riffs

[109:02–114:54]

• Bill and Nia playfully spar over the reality of missing each other during road gigs, spending, Santa Barbara, travel, and whose company is really desired when a city is “fun.”
• Both give and take in equal measure, mocking stereotypes and revealing endearing marital rhythms.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dictatorships & Influence:
  "Dictators...they have their picture up everywhere. They're sort of like the Instagram like influencers of their country." —Billy Mango Tits [02:39]
• On American Attitudes:
  "We're just stuck in this place. But if you cry, it's literally...that is like the mushrooms of emotions." —Billy Mango Tits [07:08]
• On Football & Comedy Parallels:
  "As a comedian, I know that feeling. As far as, like, you start to go into a joke, and halfway through it, you're like, I don't even remember where this joke goes." —Billy Mango Tits [13:31]
• On Marriage & Motocross:
  "If you want to make him fucking miserable...After explaining this to my boyfriend...he said, 'I'm not going to change what I love doing because of fear of what could happen.'…You can't, when you love somebody, you have to let them do what they love." —Bill Burr [74:06]
• Nia on Crying:
  "Nobody loves somebody that much they cry three times a week." —Nia [93:17]
• On Standup & Censorship:
  "Somebody's got...there's got to be some sort of pushback on this fucking vibe that's out there, that everything is so goddamn serious now." —Bill Burr [40:02]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• US Measurement Rant: 00:30–05:00
• Tech/Privacy Rant: 04:37–05:50
• Therapy/Mental Health Breakthrough: 06:04–08:40
• NFL/Patriots/Sports Talk: 09:09–31:10, resumes 133:48+
• Motorcycle Story: 14:11–18:52
• Movie/LA/Old Dads: 26:46–30:00
• Listener Q&A: 67:28–92:29
• Crying Fiancée Segment with Nia: 92:42–97:29
• Marriage Banter with Nia: 109:02–114:54
• Sports Gambling/Guest Banter: 115:18–162:28

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Tone & Style

The episode is quintessentially Bill Burr: fast-paced, brutally honest, self-deprecating, and crammed with spontaneous riffs, interruptions, and digressive storytelling. Banter with recurring guests and his wife Nia adds warmth, sharp contrasts, and real-life flavor. The content blends social commentary, mental health advocacy, and unfiltered life coaching with sports fanaticism and a dose of absurdity.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode delivers a blend of vulnerability and outrage, moving from personal therapeutic revelations to classic Bill Burr complaints about American stubbornness and privacy, and then into deep sports talk. If you enjoy Bill’s signature mix of skepticism, heart, and profanity, plus real talk about relationships and masculinity, this two-hour session with familiar voices (and playful marital back-and-forth) is a must.

Transcript

[Paul Virzi]

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[Bill Burr]

Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht.

[Paul Virzi]

And the boxes keep coming.

[Bill Burr]

Watch.

[Paul Virzi]

Sebastian Maniscalco It Ain't Right now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just.

[Bill Burr]

Before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm.

[Jake the Snake]

Just checking in on you.

[Bill Burr]

Whoa, what's going on? How are you?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, how is it going in your world?

[Bill Burr]

It's December.

You'Re getting out there, you're shopping, you're doing it online.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

You scrolling? You're picking out shit. You're trying to figure out the European to American conversion side size. Is that what it is? Why the do we do everything different?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Doesn't make any sense to me, man. Like, why don't you just stop trying to be different?

I remember when I was a kid, they tried to, they tried to get us into the metric system. They were going to do this thing where like, we finally just joined the rest of the world.

You know, a meter is a little more than a yard. And I remember this whole thing that they were going to try and get us to just for once get, stop thinking about ourselves.

And, and just get on board with the rest of the world. And America universally was like, well, what.

[Jake the Snake]

Are we going to do next? Start liking soccer?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

And we did. How do you do that? There would be like a generation, like a measurement generation gap.

You'd ask your kid how much they weigh and you wouldn't know what they were talking about. You wouldn't know how tall they were. You didn't know how far away they were. These are like major things. You can't undo these things unless, unless the whole thing collapses and then we install a dictator. And then like, if, literally, if your life is on the line.

I think then you can make changes. Like, all right, I'll go from.

Whatever, what is our system called.

To the metric system.

You know, and I'll start like in your sports and I'll sing the song about you. You know, I have noticed about countries I've gone to where there's dictators is they have their picture up everywhere. They're sort of like the Instagram like influencers of their country. And what's weird is they never look happy. They look very stern. Like the vibe when you're In a country that's ruled by one person, the vibe is. Is dad's home. That's the vibe. Dad's home. Dad's not going to like what you're doing. Dad's coming up the fucking driveway.

And you will all act accordingly. And then the dad knows he's being a douche and that eventually his family is going to get fed up with it and they're gonna tell them to hit the bricks in one. One form or another, you know? So I guess we didn't want to do that over here, so we just stayed with.

[Bill Burr]

The fuck is that?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I can't remember what our system is called. I do know the other day I had to get a screw. What do you got a fucking screw loose, dude? I had to get a screw. Something fell off my garage. Little decorative piece that they have. You know that little arrow thing that they have on the side of garage doors. I don't know why I. I opened the garage door and it just. It just fell off, you know, like, it just. It just couldn't do it anymore. It just fell in the driveway. And I could only find two of the four screws that I needed, so I went down to the hardware store.

[Bill Burr]

Hang on a second, honey. I'm going to the hardware store.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

So I go down there and I can't tell if this thing is metric, standard.

For all you fucking people out there that have been yelling, I couldn't tell if it was metric or standard, so I had to go through them all until I figured out what it was. I still don't remember.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Then I get some light bulbs and shit, and I found out that there's certain light bulbs that they have an app on them.

Which means there's some. Is this a smart light? Is the light listening to the conversation so it can, like, you know, it's waiting for me to talk about the lights. Like, wow, it seems bright in here. And they're like, oh, oh, that's our cue. And then everything else you said is recorded and sent to the mother computer to figure out how to sell you more shit. Is that what's going on? I want to ask you a fucking question. How do we keep allowing these infringements on our privacy while my people, whitey, we keep buying clothes that say, like, freedom, freedom ain't free. And all of this, but we're doing.

[Jake the Snake]

Nothing.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

To stop these corporations.

These guys, they are the big bad wolf. And they keep telling you that it's everybody else.

[Paul Virzi]

And we keep believing them.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, abusive person.

[Jake the Snake]

Who's the one abusing me. Oh, those people over there. Thank you.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

And then there we go.

[Bill Burr]

Off we go to go fucking fight.

[Jake the Snake]

Some other people when it's really fucking you. But do be deep.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy Freckles.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Billy Freckles is having breakthroughs in. In therapy, man. I am finally getting rid of all of this anger. Like, after all of these years of doing, like, surface work, I'm actually finally getting to the core of it. And I really figured out that, you know, I guess they say you carry memories in your chest. You carry anger, resentment, hurt, and pain. I do anyway in my gut. And I feel like it all is be getting untwisted. And.

I have tried everything to get rid of this.

This temper of mine. And I think I finally. I finally found the thing. And it's, you know, it's what people always told me, and I just didn't listen, is you gotta cry it out of you. And that's like an emotion that is denied to men. It's denied to women, too, in general. It's just considered, like, you just. You're not allowed to do it. You gotta go do it in private. Go close the door. It's something to be shameful of. It's really bad because I am finding that, like, I found, like, anger. You can't fucking move forward. You're just stuck in this place. But if you cry, it's literally. That is like the mushrooms of emotions. And you feel better afterward, and you don't want to abuse yourself. You don't want to do drugs or drink or.

Eat something bad or just punish yourself anymore. You stop hating yourself. You stop seeing yourself as the way the people abusing you did and made you feel. And you can kind of come out of all of that.

It's really cool. And I actually got to that place through my last acting gig because all these weird emotions were coming out that had nothing to do with the scene that I was doing when I was rehearsing it. And I kind of figured out that when I act, I open the door up to all these emotions that I don't allow myself to feel. So then a lot of misdirected comes out.

So this time, after my acting gig, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna leave that door open and see what happens. And it was a.

Game changer, to say the least. Just the fact that I could even tell you guys this.

Without getting emotional.

Yeah, like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have been able to do that, like, two, three weeks ago.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Fucking crazy. Crazy how Long it took me to just do that. And as always, it's just. You think it's a mountain, and you're just stepping up.

Onto, like, a curb, I would say. I don't know.

[Jake the Snake]

Anyway, let's talk football.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

So my Patriots kick the shit out of the Giants, and then a friend of mine texts me saying, wow, the Patriots are for real.

And I'm like, okay, well, not for nothing, you guys have an interim coach, and you have a really young quarterback who hasn't learned to get rid of the ball, you know, so he's taken a lot of hits he doesn't need to be taking. And.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

We'll see, but I'm starting to believe it. I think we got as good a chance as anybody to go pretty far in the playoffs.

[Bill Burr]

We.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

We shall see. I mean, I don't. I don't know. It's such a crazy, crazy year. I saw, like, the first.

I saw the first quarter. I gotta watch the rest of the game. But then I went and I had, like, this massage slash fucking breathing that I did that just fucking blew my mind.

It was like a fucking acid trip. This woman that was doing it, she's pushing on my back, going, all right, this is your liver. This is where you store up all your anger. Don't be afraid of the noises you make. And I just fucking went with it. And, dude, it was like. It was like a psychedelic trip that I took. I remember I went back.

[Bill Burr]

To this.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Town I grew up in when I was really young, and I thought I didn't remember a lot of it because I was so young, and it turned. I blocked out a lot of it, and I was like. I was taking a car ride through this.

Town, and I remembered the names of friends I had street names, all of this stuff, and it was almost like I could feel the wind on my face as I was driving down the street in the car. It was wild.

It was the most, like, peyote experience I've ever had. And I wasn't.

I wasn't on any drugs. It's really. Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

This.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

This podcast is weird, but, you know, been sitting on this for 50 years, but so to finally have it out of me or starting to come out or having a way out, you know.

I remember watching this thing, this guy was telling.

This story about deep sea cave diving and how easily you can get fucking lost. And watching it now, I. I kind of feel like this is almost like trauma. Like, if you get lost, like, trying to find a way out, it takes you your Whole goddamn life. It's nuts. Sorry, dude. I know I'm supposed to be making you laugh here. Jesus Christ.

[Jake the Snake]

Am I gonna bomb?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Tomorrow night, was it?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, tomorrow night in Bakersfield. I'm not.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

But my act right now is really weird. My act, like, three quarters of it is the guy before these experiences. And then the last quarter of it is I've written since then. So it's going to be a little Physical Graffiti. It's kind of. Kind of be like a double album or you, like, remember when the Black Crows would do, like an electric and then an acoustic set? It's. It's kind of.

[Bill Burr]

It's gonna be.

[Jake the Snake]

It's gonna be weird. So anyway, still been doing the drum thing.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Trying to, you know, just doing that exercise to free myself up, which has been amazing. And somebody sent me a video today of somebody, like, counting off a song and playing it, jamming with these guys, thinking that he knew it. And he got, like, halfway through the first verse and realized, oh, this is a different song.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I don't know this song.

So he was just looking at his bass player and he was giving him where, like, the hits were, and. And he sort of just. He was, like, writing notes on the screen saying, like, I have no idea what I'm doing here. But he was such a fucking accomplished drummer that it still sounded great. But then the coolest thing he said, I start. I'm smiling here on purpose because I've learned to, like, smile during these difficult things.

[Bill Burr]

Kind of frees up your brain or.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Whatever so you don't make.

You know, you don't get between your ears. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do this. It's just like.

[Bill Burr]

Well, it's in four.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I'm playing four. So snare two, four. I'm gonna keep doing this. And when he nods, I'm hitting a symbol. And the kid wrote it out.

[Bill Burr]

Was.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Such a cool video. I was smiling ear to earth watching it. Because.

As a comedian, I know that feeling. As far as, like, you start to go into a joke, and halfway through it, you're like, I don't even remember where this joke goes. And then you just stop thinking it's something. It just kind of comes out of your mouth.

And it works. And you kind of like. But if you don't think, if you don't think, if you don't give into, like, that panic.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's a weird thing, but I know this is A little hippie dippy. But.

I'm really happy that I finally, I finally got there. So any you other angry people out there who've been listening to me and you liked me because I was angry and, and you could relate, just know, you know, there is a way out. It takes forever, you know, Or I shouldn't say that it took me for ever. But I got a fun afternoon coming up. I'm gonna go ride some motorcycles with my buddy Dean Del Rey. And the people at Indian Motorcycles were nice enough to loan us this beautiful bike. Oh my God, is it gorgeous. It's the Indian Scout RT sort of a sleeker bagger as opposed to their big let. That Chieftain, I think is their big bike. So we're gonna take a ride through the canyons today. And that's another great thing for your mental health, I find. Anyways, like when I'm riding a motorcycle, like, I'm not thinking anything about riding the motorcycle and not wiping out.

Hence.

I'm really like present and fucking locked in. So I'm really thankful for that. And speaking of which, he's coming to pick me up here in a few minutes. So maybe, maybe the next, the last half I'll tell you about that ride or whatever. But, um.

[Paul Virzi]

All right.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

And through the magic of editing, as.

[Bill Burr]

I always say, I'll be back in.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

About fucking two seconds.

[Jake the Snake]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

And I am back.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Billy's back.

[Bill Burr]

He's back again.

[Jake the Snake]

Billy's back, back again.

[Bill Burr]

Had a great time.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Went for a nice.

Like 50 mile ride through the canyons with Dean Del Rey. Dean riding that Indian was it RT Sport.

Scout that the people in Indian motorcycles weren't nice enough to loan me. And.

He absolutely loved it. I gotta tell you, man, that is a.

Gorgeous bike. It's like this matte red, but it's a darker red, not a maroon. I know, it's like reddish black. And just the way the sun hits it and then everything else on it is like, you know, pretty much black. The engine and everything. And it's gorgeous. And there's no need to even change out the pipes. They just sound amazing. But we went for a ride and I rode the, the Road Glide. And I was psyched. I wrote good. Dean was like, dude, you're ready to do like a cross country, man. You're like. It was funny. I thought it was because he thought I was going through the canyons easily, but it was, you know, he said no. When you were riding slow and doing turns and stuff, just the way you handled it, it was good because that's the scary thing. That bike's a big bike. So it's really, like, tempting to, like, get nervous or try to put your foot down or something like that, rather than controlling it with gyroscopic procession, which I learned back in ground school, way back in the day.

So, anyway, yeah, and we like to go during the week because on the weekends, all the young kids, you know, I give way to the young kids. All those Fast and Furious kids, Tokyo Drift kids, those, you know, once making the Instagram videos. I'm not trying to do that.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Fun day. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm not doing wheelies and all this. I love seeing kids do that stuff. But I am an old man, and I will act accordingly.

My. My days of showing off are over. So.

We just went on this incredible ride, and there's this one, my favorite turns, like, literally a. A hairpin turn, 180.

Obviously, there and back, but on the way there, it's tighter. You know, it's.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I suppose, on the outside coming back, but I just absolutely love.

I love that fucking Harley, man. Just the way it. It's just like driving a big car, you know, just gliding down the fucking road. Literally, the road glide. Can't say enough about it. And.

You know, and we're just up there. There's no cars, there's no nothing. I will say what's funny is this guy, like, a. Literally had a delivery bike, went flying by us on this motorcycle, and I don't even think. I don't even think it was like a twin. He just. It looks like he rode the canyon every day. And he went by us like nothing. And then he. I saw him snaking through the canyon for, like, maybe another, like, two minutes, and then he was just gone. It was hilarious.

[Bill Burr]

You know, And I.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Also, like, the younger me, would have tried to keep up with them, you know, but you get to be an old man, you're like, yeah, yeah, go ahead, man. I don't give a fuck. I'm out here. I'm going at my own pace. And one of my favorite parts of the ride is.

When you're about 20 minutes in or something, you come around this turn and there's just randomly a couple of houses, and there's these trees where the branches go over the. Over the road, and it's kind of flat and straightaway for half a second. And I just. Every time I go through there, I feel like I'm in the beginning of a movie. You Know where you come to some small town, you know, to get fuel or something, and a bunch of crazy happens. Like that was so many movies when I was growing up. It was always like some, you know, some badass dude comes to town, doesn't want any trouble. The locals with them. The hot girl of the head, local douche gives him the eyes and then, and then he just.

[Jake the Snake]

It was.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

You were just off or there was some corrupt cop pulling people over. Like Martin Sheen had a great made for TV movie where this cop was pushing people off the cliff with his car. And then Martin Sheen comes to town and he meets his match.

Another great one, underrated. A lot of those Martin Sheen made for TV movies were fantastic.

Yeah, so anyway, yeah, we went up and had a good time. Just cleared my fucking brain and here we are the next day and I'm finishing up the podcast and I'm having another good day here. And speaking of good days, speaking of.

[Bill Burr]

Good days, we got to get into the advertisement here. The little, little ad reads. What do we go? Geez, look who it is, everybody. Oh, it's all simply safe.

[Jake the Snake]

Simply safe. You know, if you could stop somebody.

[Bill Burr]

From breaking in before they got inside. Hey, mister.

Why wouldn't you? Most old school systems go off after somebody's already in your place. You know that's too late. Yeah, they'll run in, they'll grab some.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Shit and they run out like Mr.

[Jake the Snake]

Pink.

[Bill Burr]

You know, the alarm goes off.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

You got 10 minutes, you got 10.

[Bill Burr]

Minutes before anybody shows up. And they are all just there. They're all there, ready, loaded for bed.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

That's my favorite part when he talks about that. They're just all fucking there.

[Bill Burr]

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[Jake the Snake]

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[Jake the Snake]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

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[Paul Virzi]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Paul Virzi]

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[Jake the Snake]

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And with that. Oh, Billy Redface.

[Bill Burr]

I got a, I got a road gig, man.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I'm going to Bakersfield tomorrow night. Very excited. Going to be up there with Dean Del Rey, Ambria Allen Myself, always great crowds up there. Always really appreciative of us. We get to go through the grapevine driving on the way up there. And I don't know, whenever I go up that way, I always feel. I always think about that movie and that horrible story, the. The Onion Field Murders. I always think about that. That was, God, 60 years ago almost, if not 60 years ago, that was.

Two cops pulled over this. I don't know, one or two guys or something like that. The guy got out of the car, he had a gun, put it up to the one cop, told the other cop to give up his gun, and he did. And then he kidnapped both of them and drove him up to an onion field in Bakersfield. This is a really dark story. And he asked one of the cops if he was familiar with the Lindbergh laws. After the Charles Lindbergh baby got kidnapped, it was automatic death penalty if you kidnap somebody and you crossed state borders. And this guy thought because he left LA and went to Bakersfield, left a city line, he thought that that was in effect. He actually wasn't educated on the law. So what he was saying is, I'm going to get the death penalty for bringing you from LA to Bakersfield. So he killed the first cop and then the other cop ran away and he couldn't, you know, it was dark, shot, missed. The guy ended up escaping, identified the two, they went to jail for the rest of their lives. And then the other cop who survived had, like, survivor's guilt. The other cops gave him shit for giving up his gun. But what they learned in that case, the cops learned, was to never give up your gun. It was a landmark case. And there's actually a portion of the 101 highway that is dedicated to that officer that lost his life. That's what I think when I go up there. And I also think when I go up to 5.

Is the LA river enters LA, the fake LA River. There's like a waterfall where it comes. It gets pumped up those locks and then comes down. And we used that shot when we did Old Dads. And the reason for that was that our movie took place in Los Angeles. But we wanted to show people that it was taking place in the Valley. So that's.

That was what we did. Like, we did that establishing shot where we came up over the Hollywood Hills to show the Valley. We had the water come in and all of that. And the idea.

The inspiration for that idea, because we were like, how do we let people know? You know, because people's idea of LA Is, oh, it's, you know, this woke liberal entertainment city. And they don't understand that that is such a small.

Part of the city that there's super conservative. This, there's all, you know.

There'S just.

You have to really look at the city. There's all south of the 10, there's East LA, there's all the way out to like the Inland Empire, which I don't think that part is actually part of Los Angeles, but like Burbank is like super conservative. There's all kinds of gun stores on Magnolia Boulevard, Great gun stores by the way. Anything you want, you can get there. And people don't realize. And that's why we put all that stuff in the beginning of it. And the inspiration for that was this great movie with.

Stacy Keach and Jeff.

[Bill Burr]

Bridges called Fat City.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

And I believe they shot it in Stockton, California. And the way that movie starts off is they do like what today would be done with a drone. I think they probably did it with a helicopter or a plane. They just flew over the city and you got a look at what you could see was once this thriving city. And now we're sort of in the throes of that rust belt stuff when all the robber barons got sick of paying factory workers a fair wage. They just didn't want to do it. And they were sick of unions forcing them to do it. And they just basically said, okay, you can have your union, you can have the factory, we're going to leave. And then they, they took everything outside of the country and they went back to the wages, you know, percentage wise that they paid in the, you know, 1800s, right through.

The early 1900s when people started to unionize and lost their lives fighting these people. They've never wanted to pay anybody. And all of that shit, you know, is like wildly out of control right now. And that's why they're focusing on immigrants and, you know, Mexicans and Chinese people and all of this shit that they're trying to distract you with. Because what it is, is if you really look at history, is they have never wanted to pay. The guy that runs the company has, has, you know, if they could pay you nothing, if they could get away with that, they would. They don't care.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

That'S why I think they're going into like robotics and AI and all of that, because they want to phase out other people and keep all of the money for themselves. You see them with all of this shit. Oh, the business is shrinking. The business is shrinking.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Yeah, shrinking into five people's pockets and they just don't want to pay people. And they, you know, have been able to get away with this by bribing politicians and then controlling the narrative and getting all of us to argue with one another. It's really fascinating. They've been doing this shit forever and it fucking works. It really fucking works. Like how divided this country is. It just. It's unbelievable. It's like working class people yelling at working class people and then blaming super poor people.

[Bill Burr]

It's bananas. Anyway, so that is the podcast, everybody.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I'm really looking forward to doing Bakersfield. I did a bunch of spots this week and shaking the rust off.

[Bill Burr]

And.

Yeah, I got the Physical Graffiti.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I don't know why I keep saying physical Graffiti. It's not like Led Zeppelin was two different types of bands there. I just feel like.

I'm using the wrong reference. Like my act right now, it's like, is me before. I've had these breakthroughs, most of my act. And then there's the post.

Whatever the fuck I am right now. So we'll see how this works out, but I'm looking forward to it. Once again, thank you to everybody that that is coming out to my show in Bakersfield. Me, Dean and Ambria are gonna be bringing it.

[Bill Burr]

So that's it.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

That is the podcast. We have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Bill Burr]

Have a great weekend, ya kunts.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday, December 4, 2000 and fucking.

17. Yeah, there we go. I just realized I just gave a fucking. I just gave Dean Del Rey a check and I wrote December 5th on it. I thought tomorrow was December 5th. Well, it is by the time you hear this. But I did this Sunday night. Ah, fuck. Tell them not to deposit the check. Well, they can still deposit it, right? And then they don't fucking whatever. Dean Del Rey opened for me this weekend.

[Paul Virzi]

Holy shit.

[Bill Burr]

We got the levels up too high here. They're too high. I can't hear myself thinking here. For God's sakes, could you just shut it down, please? Thank you.

Dude, I'm fucking sitting there. What? Dude, I'm sitting there minding my own business in my house. My fucking house. Fuck you, bankers. It's mine now until I die. Then you get it back, don't you, you cunts.

[Paul Virzi]

They just sit there waiting.

[Bill Burr]

If you ever pay off your house, look out your window. There'll be a banker sitting out there like A. Like a goddamn vulture waiting for you to look at. Look at him. Look at him eating bacon. I guess bacon's good for you. Now. I don't know what the. I don't know what. I know what I'm talking about.

Anyways.

I wonder what room I'm gonna die in in this house. You ever think about that when you just get the house, like, I'm not leaving. I'm staying here, right? And then you just. When you. Once you make that decision, you're like, well, then I'm gonna fucking die in here. What room is it gonna be? I think a lot of people die at breakfast nooks, you know, just sitting down, having some toast.

Reading the morning paper. That wouldn't be a bad way to go. Let's go face down into, like, fucking half piece of grapefruit.

Honey, what room would you want to die in? You don't want to do it in the shower, right? That's fucking awful. Then you're all waterlogged, you know. Bang your head on the. A lot of people die in the shower. They slip and fall, you know, and they can't get up, right? And that's why they came out with that. That thing there for all the old people. But what a lot of people don't realize is a lot of them fall in the shower, and then they. They go to use their little I've fallen and I can't get up thing, and then they get electrocuted.

I don't think that happens, but I would be worried about that. Trying to drag my old pruned ass out of the fucking tub.

Oh, my God. That's got to be the worst. When you get so old you're afraid to take a shower. You got to bring, like, a lazy boy in there.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That just struck me as funny. You just got a giant lazy. You got a recliner in your shower. Somehow it's waterproof. I don't know the fuck. I love that flashlight that just came out that runs on water. I mean, give me. What are we doing? What the fuck are we doing in the Middle East? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, just put that in a fucking car. Stick 20 of those flashlights in the car. I'll drive slower. Let's just get out of there already, right?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Fuck.

[Bill Burr]

We think we're doing. You know what? Fuck the Middle east is like. Middle east is like you're a civilian, and you get in the middle of, like, a domestic violent incident, you know, and you try to break it up.

You know, and the second you go to break it up, the woman starts beating on you. Get off my abusive husband. That's what it's like over there. Just fucking get those water flashlights. This is what you do. You get those water flashlights and you put them into fucking scooters that. Everybody has to ride a scooter. Whether you're fat or old or whatever, you got to ride one. And cars are illegal, all right? The amount of people wiping out and dying, right? Frees up the traffic. We're not using as much oil. And then they go bankrupt over there. How about that there? Did I solve the Middle Eastern? I'm gonna do that every week. Every week I'm gonna have a new solution for the Middle east.

Anyway. I don't want the fuck I'm talking about. I just. Can you imagine just having a giant fucking recliner, you know? And then you have like that little grabby thing and you just turn on the water. One of those grabby things, you know, you, you. You pull the handle and then you got an ex. Like the grocers, they always grab like a can of soup or some.

[Jake the Snake]

What.

[Bill Burr]

What do you want, beef or broccoli, whatever. They go up there and they yank it down. I don't know that. That doesn't happen anymore. There's no. There's no regular person running a grocery store anymore, is there?

Grocery stores are weird, man. They're kind of like the food version of a casino. Like, you just feel like there's somebody up in the ceiling watching you behind, like a two way mirror. When you go in there.

There'S really nothing stopping. Y' all know one time I walked to this grocery store with Patrice and we acted like children. He got me going like he was so silly. I remember one time he just goes. We were going. And he was staying at my apartment for pilot season. Both of us creeps trying to get on Must See tv. Yeah. How do you think that worked out?

So we were in, like, Ralph's or some shit, and he just kept going, hey, Bill, you want some of these? And when he would go to point at it, he would like. He'd have his hand way too close to the bag. And he was like, bread or something. He goes, bill, you need some of this? And he would just push his finger into like fucking three slices of bread through the wrapper. And he just started doing that around the grocery store. And I was fucking crying, laughing. He did it to cookies. He was doing. He was doing it to fruit and these giant fucking fingers. Hey, Bill, you want One of these. And he just like all the way through the fucking thing. And I'm immature as fuck. And it was just making me fucking cry, laugh. And he's comedian, so he just kept doing it. And I was trying to do it. I couldn't even, you know, my fingers weren't. I don't know, I was laughing too hard. I couldn't fucking do it as good as him anyways. Jesus, I hadn't thought about that for fucking ever. And I want to apologize. Maybe it wasn't Ralph's. Where the fuck were we? I always hated Ralph's. You know, just a pain in the ass. The one that was down the street, I used to live off at Sunset. And there was a. Ralph's used to be called rock and roll. Ralph's, everything was rock and roll. Denny's, rock and roll. Ralph steps back like leftover from the hair metal, you know, the rock and roll Hyatt right next to fucking the Comedy Store. John Bonham used to ride motorcycles or some shit into the fucking thing. I don't know what.

I have no idea. I don't know what the fuck it was.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I don't even know where we were at.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ, I haven't thought of that in forever. What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about being an old man with a recliner and a goddamn shower. Whatever. That moment's coming. Gone. That's what happens on the podcast. I just fucking talk. And whatever happens, it happens. By the way, I would like to thank everybody that came out to Albuquerque.

New Mexico. I had a great fucking time at Route 66 Casino. That's the second time I played there. I fucking loved that place. The crowd was awesome. And then the next, the next. Last night I played in Tucson, Arizona, Another great town. Just fucking great people, great parts of the country. Fun fucking crowds. And I gotta tell you, I'm acting like a fucking idiot on stage. Like I think it's my reaction to this fucking. This. This weird fog that is starting to roll in slowly rolling in over the last five years on stand up comedy, where all of a sudden I sit there on stage and sometimes I think after I say something like, did somebody record that? Am I going to get into trouble? I haven't thought. I never thought that the first fucking 20 years of my career in the last five years. It just keeps creeping into my head. And in order to beat it down.

I don't know, I think I'm going a little harder. Somebody's got. There's got to be some sort of Pushback on this fucking vibe that's out there, that everything is so goddamn serious now. Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ. Couple guys want to be women. A couple guys take their dicks out at work, and then all of a sudden, everybody's got. How did he mean that? Joke? Is that a joke? Or is that legislation for a new law? Like, this whole fucking vibe that's out there, it's really weird.

And fucking young people are acting like old people, you know? And I think that's because they're on social media and all that shit, and they're just watching this stuff 24 7. It's like.

I don't know, it's up their brains. I mean, come on. Millennials. You got to do something that's. You're supposed to make me uncomfortable. There isn't music. Christ, what are they doing? You know, I guess they have that new documentary, Meth Town, on.

Hbo. D. Del Rey told me to watch that. I can't watch that. I'm not going to watch a bunch of toothless people. Those goddamn people. I swear to God, they look like they're from the 18, 1800s. That's how bad they fuck their faces up with that meth shit.

I'll tell you, once you lose your fucking teeth, you look like you're 80. I don't care how old you are. You could take one of those gorgeous Victoria's Secret models if they don't have any fucking teeth and they didn't get a partial or a fucking implant or whatever the fuck you call them.

Dentures or some shit. If you just walk around toothless, you immediately look. You look like Homer Simpson's. That guy that falls asleep. His dad. Is it his dad?

Their grandfather, Right?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, so I had that on. I was talking to someone on the phone and. And Dean kept telling me, he goes, you got to see it, dude. You got to see it. Even Dean said, man, I fucking shut this thing off like three times. He goes, it's fucking brutal. So I just had the sound down, and I was watching all these toothless fucking people with these crazed looks on their faces. And.

I was on the phone, and at one point, I just saw somebody kicking dog. Like, piles of dog shit, different piles all around the house. Like, hoarding dog out of the way in this person's house with newspaper all over it and stuff. And.

That'S when I turned the channel. I don't know about you guys, but I drew the line at the.

I drew the line at the dog shit. There's a Few things that make me turn the channel, okay? Drug addicts with dog shit in their house and strong female characters make me turn the channel. And not because I have anything against a strong female character. It's just that they don't develop them. I think everybody in Hollywood is so afraid of getting yelled at by these women's groups that they just throw in these strong female characters. But they don't, they don't make a three dimensional character. They just have a woman yelling at guys and grabbing them by their lapels of their suit and throwing them over couches. And it's like they took like leftover Steven Seagal and they're like, we'll give it to the woman here. See, she's strong. All of a sudden, every show, hey, you with your dick and balls.

Just like, who is this person? This guy outweighs it by like a fucking hundred pounds. What am I, what, what am I watching?

I watched that recently. I'm not even gonna say the fucking show, but I'm watching this guy. This guy's like 40 years old. He's talking to a 19 year old redneck woman who lives next to a fucking lake in the middle of Arkansas. And she's having a battle of wits with them and she's winning. I'm like, jesus Christ.

The fuck? What kind of a 19 year old can beat a fucking 50 year old guy in a battle of wits? Unless they're talking about Nintendo. Whatever. The kids play Nintendo. Sorry, whatever you guys play.

I'm not a gamer, all right? I used to be a booze hound. I'm still not drinking the. Is it, it's. What am I, 100 and something days in at this point. It's 105 days, three days in, that's 108. We 109 by the time you listen to this thing. But I gotta tell you, I'm.

I'm getting weak. I'm getting weak. Oh, the holidays are rolling in. I think I'll be good through December. But I'm going to the fucking Rose bowl again this year. This is my 10th Rose bowl, all right? It's the tin anniversary for me and Joe Bartnik, the originals.

The original drunk maniacs at that game. And what's so awesome now about the College Football Playoff is that every three years now, the Rose bowl is a playoff game. Last time it was Florida State and Oregon, I believe, Jameson Winston and the guy from fucking the Tennessee Tysons. I can't remember his name. Mariota. Is that the coach? I don't know what the fuck the guy from Oregon, he's great, right? And this year it's going to be the Oklahoma Sooners versus the fucking. Who else got in? Let's see, it's Clemson versus Alabama. And then we got the fucking. Oklahoma is playing who? Nobody in the Big Ten got in.

TCU got their fucking asses kicked. Whenever I watch tcu, they win. Can't believe I fucking missed that. Who the fuck is Oklahoma? Played.

Wasn'T Wisconsin. Clemson is Alabama. I gotta hit pause here. This is gonna. No, fuck that. You guys can listen how dumb I am. I know this. USC didn't get in. It's got to be a conference fucking champion. Miami lost to Clemson, Auburn didn't get in.

Who the fuck is it?

I gotta hit pause. I don't know who the fuck it is. I'm an asshole. Georgia, I actually didn't look it up. I just sat there and I fucking started thinking, who the fuck else is in there? Miami Central, Florida, Florida State, South Carolina, Gators, Georgia. That's how I did it. Started down. I always start down in Miami and I work my way up the georg. Georgia Bulldogs. And I know there's a lot of people were upset, a lot of people were upset that it's such a flawed system.

I know Jay Law had was telling me that Alabama didn't play anybody. He's like, they didn't play anybody. And then I'm thinking like, well, the Big Ten wasn't as you know, Wisconsin being undefeated is amazing until you fucking look at the, you know, the western side of the fucking Big Ten. Nebraska stinks, Illinois was pathetic. Indiana stinks, Minnesota stinks. Northwestern was decent. They were seven and two. But I mean if you. They won their last seven games, but they played nobody.

And I was sitting there going like. So I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about?

You know, it's like you guys lost to fucking Iowa. Iowa was halfway decent. Penn State was overrated. What the fuck you talking about? So you know what I did? I actually listened to J. Lawhead and I looked up the fucking Alabama Crimson Tides fucking schedule. And I gotta tell you, I think I could have got them five fucking wins. Jay Lawhead. Sorry. J. Law had I owe an apology to. This is who they play. Florida State, who stinks. Then they play Colorado State. I don't even know what they. Those fucking people should be selling insurance out there. Get rid of that football team. Mississippi, they stink this year. Arkansas stunk this year. Lsu, they came on late, but they stink. I love them. Mercer, is that a woman's College. I don't even know who the fuck that is. Fresno State, I went to that game. Fresno State. You know, I'd say they stink, but I've watched too many of those behind the scenes things about Fredo. Fresno, I'm not gonna say shit about Fresno. I'm just saying, you know, they could have been a little better. Vanderbilt, they're too fucking smart to be good. Texas A and M, they stunk. Tennessee fucking stinks. Mississippi State was decent. Then they played Auburn, who was a good fucking team, and they lost. However, they did beat the shit out of people. They won 24, 7, 41, 23, 66 to 3, 41 to 9. They did beat the fuck out of people. 56 to nothing against the woman's college. 41 to 10, 59 to nothing against Vanderbilt. No, they play a bunch of fucking architects.

Nate Bargazi was starting at fucking punter. 2719 against Texas A&M, 45 7. Hey, by the way, all those students that fucked that guy out of that fucking head coaching job at Tennessee, were those signs that they wrote, was that true?

You know, because they really.

I don't know, man. I hope they did some research. This whole trial by Internet.

I left to look that up, man, because that just, that was like in some of the. That people wrote on signs he was at Penn State, I don't know during the whole time or part of the time when that Sandusky guy was there, but it's just like, you know.

I don't understand this. I love how like one guy does some shit, then all of a sudden like the most horrific fucking thing you could do, basically. And then all of a sudden everybody fucking knew and nobody said anything.

[Paul Virzi]

Everybody, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not saying there weren't a few people like, oh Jesus, we gotta fucking protect the university. But just anybody who was there is automatically fucking guilty. Some of these fucking kids, man. You know, this whole trial by fucking social media is a little out of control there. But anyways, I'm going off the rails.

[Andrew Semless]

Here.

[Bill Burr]

So I don't know, we'll see. We'll see what the fuck happens.

I know Jay was upset that Ohio State didn't get in. You got to tell you, Ohio State had a tougher schedule than fucking Alabama. Easily, easily had a tougher fucking schedule. But what about, what about Auburn? What about Auburn? Man, they beat Georgia when they were number one. Then they beat Alabama when they, they beat two number ones. Then they had to go back and beat George again. They couldn't do it. You know what Happened with that. The Auburn's coach opened his big fat mouth. We kicked the dog crap out of him, didn't we? We done kick the dog crap out of them, didn't we? You know what I mean? I hope every person who's in sports journalism, I hope they watch that, they see that fucking clip. And then you see the fucking Georgia Bulldogs showing up the next game with flames coming out of their fucking nostrils.

You know the next time you're gonna sit there and trash Bill Belichick and say he's quote unquote, so boring in his press conferences. That's because the man is a genius. Bill Belichick is never gonna be like, we kicked the dog crap out of date.

We don't kick the fucking dog crap. All of them. Why the fuck would you say that? You know who says that? The kind of guy who wears a fucking golfing hat when he's coaching a football team.

What a dumb fucking thing.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

That.

[Bill Burr]

That is the stupidest fucking thing you can do. Remember when the fucking Cowboys were fucking kicking the shit out of the Steelers in like Super Bowl 9 or 10, I don't know, about 40 years ago. You ever look at those highlights? And fucking Roy Jarella missed that field goal and stupid ass Cliff Harris got in his face, patted him on the fucking helmet. And then Lambert came over and just body slammed Cliff Harris back when you could do that. And there wasn't a fucking, you know, a bunch of fines and you had to go fucking sing a cappella to some fucking woman's group. Whatever the fucking punishment is now, right? You could do that. That turned the tide of the game. Keep your fucking mouth shut until you're holding the championship trophy and then you don't need to talk shit because you want it. You put on kick the dog crap out of him. What happens? You play him a few weeks later. You get the old right there, Fred, don't you? So anyways, there was a lot of.

There was a lot of. I was 100% wrong. I thought Jay Law had was just being a fucking homer. He was absolutely fucking right. Alabama didn't play anybody, but they scored a lot of fucking points. Who knows? We'll see. We'll see. Now if Alabama goes in and wins the whole fucking thing, then what does that do? I actually like how vague this is and how many arguments that it creates.

Just a whole fuck, you know. And at the end of the day, you can't. You can't open this up to some giant fucking March madness. The game is just simply too fucking violent. I Love that it's four teams and. And I love that people get left out. You know, the same way I love seeing a little kid crying because his mother wouldn't get him the toy that he wanted. That just warms my heart whenever I see that. I hate seeing little spoiled brats like, yeah, fuck you, I gave you Cheerios this morning, didn't you? Didn't I? You know, meanwhile, I'm gonna spoil the shit out of my daughter. I'm all over the map here. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

So that's what I did. All day.

All day on Friday, Friday and Saturday. I just watched college football. Other than when I was traveling, going out to.

The. Did I fly out to Albuquerque, New Mexico. And you know what's funny? It was a six hour drive from Albuquerque to Tucson. I should have done that. I wasn't paying attention. I actually flew down and rather than getting a direct flight, I had to connect through Phoenix. So it was the fight. I could have flown from LA to the goddamn Columbus, Ohio. You know, and speaking of Buckeyes, right? And that the amount of time that took me and this the fucking person who flew us from Phoenix, from, from Albuquerque to Phoenix, okay, we're taxiing out to get to the.

I don't know, on our way out to the Runway, right? And the guy bangs a left and then quickly goes back to the right. And I was just like, whoa, what the fuck? And I was like, well, you know, maybe it was the tower. Maybe they said make a left on Bravo. Oh, no, I mean, right, sorry, right, correction, go right on Bravo, right? So I got this app where I can listen to the tower. So I put it on to hear, to try and listen, to see if I could hear anything, which I couldn't. So we take off. Flight's great flying, everything's fine, not no fucking problems. We come in, land. Land landing was nice and everything. And then we're going in, we're taxing again. We go in to get into the. Where you park the plane, whatever the fuck you call that. The gate. And this fucking guy, he literally did a donut. He did a 360 with the airplane. He once again went left when he was supposed to go right. And we fucking did an entire three. Not, maybe not an entire 360. I think he just missed the gate. He just drove by it and then he couldn't go right into it because he would have hit the other plane. So he had to, because it was on the right hand side. He had to bang the left. And we literally. He did like a fucking donut. And everybody's in the plane like, what the fuck are we doing? Guy had a bad day. He or she, whoever the fuck was up front.

It was hilarious. Everybody was getting off the plane like, dude, what the fuck was that? The hell just happened there? Hey, you know what happens? You know, you drive down the street, sometimes you miss the Home Depot. You're like, ah, fuck, I gotta go back around again. I don't feel like doing it legally. And you just fucking bang a ue, right? Well, the same thing happens in aviation, evidently. Ever fucking dently, the same thing happens.

Jesus, what the fuck is going on in Kansas City, by the way? They lost to the New York Jets. Jets are decent. Good Lord. This is why, you know, coaching in the NFL has got to be a bitch. Can you imagine Andy Reid after September starts? The year they. They fucking beat the dog. That the thing?

[Jake the Snake]

We beat the dog crap out of.

[Bill Burr]

Them fucking Patriots anyway, right? Not really. They just dominated the fourth quarter and ran away with it at that point, right? Everybody's all excited, holy shit. And all of a sudden, Tom Brady's fucking old. And the fucking water goes down the drain. The different way. Black is white, white is black. You don't know what the fuck's going on. All the way through September. I bet he started to build an additional onto his house, you know, getting ready to put that trophy in there. And after these last two months, the last eight goddamn weeks, I would say that, that they've stopped the construction. He probably has a tarp over the top of it. I like Andy Reid. I hope they turn it around.

I haven't been able to watch the game, but Jesus Christ, they can't get a goddamn win. They cannot get a fucking win.

So I actually watched a bunch of football today too. When I landed, I watched the Patriots versus the Bills. I thought that was gonna be a lot closer game. I thought Tyrod Taylor was gonna give us headaches. All right, Tyrod Taylor, I like that guy. But I'll tell you right now, he is no Russell Wilson. And after watching the fucking Seattle Seahawks tonight, I'm gonna go out on a limb. I think I could block for Russell Wilson. I could just have a guy in about 8 seconds run around me and then just watch him be like this modern day Fran Tarkenton. That guy is unbelievable. I don't even know how good Seattle's offensive line is. I don't even know if they're decent. All I know is at the end of Every game they should be giving, they should be making it rain at Russell Wilson's locker because they're all going to get a big contract. Because I. I guarantee you, he probably got sacked.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Probably.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, what, three times, four times less than he should have. The fucking Eagles were in the backfield. It was like every time he went back for the pass, the guy had run like an extra 40 yards until somebody got opened.

They got him like. I don't know, like. I felt like they got him maybe two or three times that game maybe.

But Jesus Christ, is that guy fun to watch. Seattle, look. Seattle look. Fuck. They look really strong, man. I was actually kind of like rooting for the Eagles because, you know, I don't know what the Patriots are going to do. You never know when you're playing the AFC east, you know, that's Our fucking schedule's like the Alabama Crimson Tide, you know, Dolphins stink, Bills stink, the jets stink. This year they're all fucking average. You know what I mean? There's literally six wins right there. So I really don't know how good we are, but that was a huge game tonight. This really feels like a sports podcast. I did start off talking about old people in LA Z boys, Right?

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Didn't I?

[Bill Burr]

And I also believe I solved the Middle Eastern crisis.

I just watched. I'm sorry. I just watched a ton of football. And, well, at this point, you got to be into football, if you're still listening. So I'm not going to apologize. I should apologize like fucking 10 minutes ago. But.

I don't know. That defense looked great. Richard Sherman isn't even in there. Can I ask you guys a question about the Achilles tendon? Why. Why do you rupture your Achilles tendon but you tear your acl? Why is that? Why don't you rupture your ACL and tear your Achilles tendon? Why is that? Is it because your Achilles tendon goes up your back of your leg like a.

Window shade? Is that what it is? You know, I'm actually gonna look that up. I'm gonna look that up. I'm gonna put this fucking urban myth. This isn't a myth, Bill. No, it's not. It's a. I don't know. It's a fucking question I have.

[Jake the Snake]

Why.

[Bill Burr]

Do you rupture? That's not gonna come out right. Your Achilles.

Okay, wait. Because they'll be like, cuz you didn't stretch. That's the wrong way to search. How about.

Rupture verse.

Tear.

Achilles? All right, let's See what we got here? What do we got here?

Achilles tendon rupture is an injury that affects the back of your lower leg. Oh, is that where it is? Jesus Christ.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

It mainly occurs in people playing recreational sports. That means white guys playing pickup hoop. Every fucking white dude I know over the age of 40, 35, 40, who still plays hoops, every one of them gets the Kobe injury. But it can happen to anyone. That's why before you get out of bed, if you're a fucking old person, especially an old white guy, all right? I don't know, the many black guys, other than fucking Richard Sherman and Kobe Bryant, like, superstar black guys do it right, but average white people just all the fucking time. I'm just making up shit here. Before you get out of bed in the morning, I'm telling you, if you run a little tight, okay? I'm telling you, I've said this before. You take your toes, point them at your knees slowly, all right? And if you get in a. If you get a Charlie Horse in your calves, immediately point your toes in the other direction and we'll release, okay? But if you don't just point in your. Do it right now, your desk. What the are you. You're not doing right, but you're sitting down, right? Don't do it. Wait till you land down. Don't listen to me, but I'm still going to talk to you, right? Point your toes at your knees and your kneecaps. That's all you do. And you just do that for a good, I don't know, 15, 20 seconds, right? Then you point them in the other direction at the fucking wall or whatever in front of you, all right? Your dog that's laying on the end of your bed, okay? Then once you do that for 15 seconds, then you roll your fucking feet clockwise a couple times, then counterclockwise, Then you get out of bed. Don't just lay there for eight hours sleeping with your goddamn apnea, and then just pop out of bed and take that first step because you're going to get. You're going to be fucked. Plantar fischeritis, all that. All right, let's. Let's continue. The Achilles tendon is a strong fibrous cord that connects the muscles in the back of your calf to your heel bone. If you overstretch your Achilles tendon, it can tear.

Wait a minute. I thought it was because you didn't tear, tear, rupture completely or just partially. If your Achilles tendon ruptures, you might hear a pop followed by an Immediate bitch like scream that appears to come from your mouth area now followed by an immediate sharp pain in the back of your ankle and lower leg that is likely to affect your ability to walk properly. Surgery is often performed to repair the rupture. For many people, however, non surgical treatment works for just as well. This is not answering my question.

Why do they say rupture.

For Achilles? I can't believe I know how to spell Achilles. That's how big a Zeppelin fan I am. I spelled it wrong.

Achilles tendon rupture surgery. What to do. If you take. You know what? I don't even give a fuck anymore. Somebody's got to be a goddamn doctor or a first responder who could fucking tell me what it means. All right, let me read a little advertising here for the week. Oh.

You know what's cool is in that Ken Burns, the war, they had a North Vietnamese soldier. I swear to God, his first name was Bu. And he wrote a book about his experiences. And I. I gotta read that thing. It's always great to hear what the other side was thinking. You know what I mean? It humanizes them. When they're scared, they miss their family. You know what I mean?

It's. Well, that never works in sports. You go to somebody else's stadium, you're still like, I don't like these cuts.

All right, 38 minutes in here. Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about? I don't. Then. I didn't. I did.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, you know what? I ordered this old modern drummer because it was right around the time John Bonham died and they had this little John Bonham retrospective. I thought they were gonna be a little more shocked that he was gone. They just kind of said, you know, he's one of the great drummers of all time, and he has all his beats and all that shit. You know, it's really. It's a really cool one. Like, what's his face? It's on the COVID Let me see who's on the. I don't even know who's on the COVID It's so long ago. It's 1981. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. As I walk across the room to try and find it.

It'S.

Oh, shit, it's Peter Chris.

Peter Chris. And he's sitting. I swear to God, he is playing a Pearl drum kit with concert toms. For you novices out there, that means there's no bottom heads. If you ever watch Phil Collins, that's what he had, right? And. Or still has. He Has a kick and a snare. And then he has 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 rack toms and 2 floor toms. So he has an 11 piece kit to play. I wanna rock and roll all night in part of every day.

Four hours later.

Crash.

That's what I like about these old fucking. These. That kit is the.

And then they got like. Back then, they had all of these.

They got these drum kits. Do you guys remember when they'd have the. On the bass drum, they'd have the. They mount two toms and then they'd have a third one there. When I opened this up, Ludwig. They've always had the inside front cover. They actually. This guy from RDO Speed Wagon, Alan Gratzer, he has four toms. How the. Could you even reach those ones up top?

Unbelievable. Anyways, I love looking at this. You look at like the bass drum pedals that they had. This was like the 80s. This was like 15 years after John Bonham did Good Times, Bad Times. So I can't. Yeah, I know. He's like the Ludwig Speed King. Look at Peter, Chris's kid. Fucking British racing green.

He looks good, man. He looks good without the makeup. Back in 1981. Anyways, I don't know. I'm into that old.

Sorry. I don't know why the. I brought that up. I just wanted to bore you guys. To tear. All right. Tears. All right, 41 minutes and I can start reading it. God knows the way I read. Does anybody know how you fucking remember your icloud password or your Instagram password? I just fucking. I just. Once I lose them and then I just. I can't. It's like I can't get into my own house. All right. Girlfriend's friend's boyfriend demands an apology.

Girlfriend's friend's boyfriend. All right, so you have a girlfriend who has a friend who has a boyfriend and they want an apology from you. Dear Burbank, Bad boy brain, Redbird, Red Burr, whatever the fuck that means.

Bill Burbank. That's gonna be my fucking alias. I've got an interesting one for you. A little bit of context. I am 24 and two years out of school. I live with my girlfriend of almost five years. Roughly two years ago, on a sorority trip with my girlfriend, her friend and her friend's boyfriend. I gave the girl one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run. No sexual intent whatsoever, just to thank you. Evidently the boyfriend felt otherwise and flew into a rage shortly thereafter, insulting the girl and my girlfriend. I didn't learn about this until well after. And since I have no relationship with the guy, was content to let it be. Now, wait a minute. Did the guy see the side hug?

All right, wait. What the fuck happened? I gave the girl of one of one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run. No sexual intent whatever. Just to thank you. Evidently, the boyfriend felt otherwise and flew into a rage shortly after. I guess he waited till you leave. Oh, this guy's a pussy. Then what are you worried about? If he was fucking there, would she call him up? He.

Touched this opposite side shoulder of mine. All right, flash forward for two years later. The two of them have just gotten engaged. My girlfriend will be a bridesmaid and learn from the other girl. I will not be invited to the wedding unless I apologize to the boyfriend. Friend. Now go yourself this.

Why doesn't he call you up? You can't come to my wedding unless you apologize. Me? Why is this woman marrying this guy? Two years later, he's still mad about a side hug? Jesus Christ. How possessive is this maniac? I feel bad for the woman that's marrying this lunatic. All right, for inappropriately touching his girl. Well, to dude, by the way, I'm just hearing your side of the story. You know, did you do one of those awkward side hugs and then your hand came off her shoulder? It accidentally went across her ass. If it was just an awkward side hug, I say this guy out of respect for my girlfriend. I'm tempted to apologize. But since an apology is admission of guilt and I didn't do anything wrong, my pride is holding me back. You know what? Because you just said that I actually believe in you. I actually believe you. I'm surprised that he's been too cowardly to approach me and is having to work through two people to get what he wants. What would you do? You know what I would do? I would go fucking find out what sports is playing in that area, tell my girlfriend to have a good time at the fucking wedding. Love the podcast, Love the stand up. Thanks. This is what I would say. I would just say I did nothing wrong, so I'm not apologizing. And tell that groom to be congratulations on getting married. And at some point, he might want to grow a dick if he wants to be the man of the house or get some balls. Dude, that guy. I would go to a tractor pole before I go to that wedding.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, be hilarious. Go to the wedding anyways. And then after they exchange their goddamn vows, go up and give her a Second side hug?

Yeah, dude, that. That I don't feel. I don't see any. Your. Your letter. That there's any pressure from your now girlfriend.

You know, however, if you don't go, she. You know, she might be. What the. They've been going out less than us, and they're getting married. My ring. You might have to go down that road. But I got to tell you, you know, this might be a twofer. You've already even dating this woman for five fucking years. You're not giving her a ring. So what the fuck do you. I say you dump your current girlfriend and tell that guy to go himself. And you know.

I dump everybody in this fucking story. Sorry, I'm a little grumpy. Don't listen to me. But I definitely wouldn't apologize to that guy, and I wouldn't go to the wedding. I mean, you're a guy. Who the fuck wants to go to a wedding? This is great. You gotta know. All right? And just stay with that. I just can't do it because I feel it's an admission of guilt. And during this sensitive time, this climate, I'm worried that this. If I. If I say I'm sorry, that then this was somehow going to my Instagram, which is tied to my Facebook and over to my Twitter, and I might not get a job. Just call that fucking room. Or you could just be a man and just say, I'm not apologizing. That guy. Fuck him, all right? And then your fucking girlfriend. You that goody.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Witty.

[Bill Burr]

I would love to go, but I'm not going under those circumstances. And I'll tell you right now, if you didn't do shit and the fucking bride wanted you apologize, and you didn't want to, I would back you. So I'm not going. If you want to go, you can go. If you're not going, get over here and blow me and let's go to the game. There you go. That's what you say.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Boyfriend rides motocross. Dear Bill, I love all your work in your comedy. Thank you. You're so inspired. Jesus Christ. Okay, where I'd like. Where I'd like your input. Here we go. I'm seriously dating someone who loves to ride in race motocross. That's fucking awesome. I bet. I bet this isn't the same woman from the last one. You know, I bet this isn't the guy that's getting married. The motocross guy. This guy's fucking cool. This guy doesn't like a fucking side hug. He's just gonna fucking punch you in the face with his motorcycle gloves still on. Right? We've been together for over a year, so I'm starting to think about marriage and a family with this person because we're both 25. That makes sense. He's awesome in every way, and the person I know I want to be with forever. Well, there you go. But he loves to ride and race motocross. It's not on the professional level. It's a hobby. Oh, sweetheart. You gonna do this to. You gonna take away his fucking hobby? We had a talk recently where I asked him how long he wants to keep. Keep riding, and he said forever.

I know someone who has two children whose husband had an accident riding a dirt bike. He's paralyzed and doesn't remember who his kids are.

Oh, Jesus Christ. There's people who get in cars. I mean, come on, man. What are you doing? This is. Come on. I'll tell you right now, if this guy, who you want to marry, if you want to make him fucking miserable. After explaining this to my boyfriend, he said, if something's going to happen to me, it will, whether I'm riding motocross or not. I'm not going to change what I love doing because of fear of what could happen. I got to tell you this. I understand why you love this guy. I'm starting to develop feelings for this guy. He's holding his ground. He's riding motorcycles. I mean, you're dating the fucking Marlboro man here.

I think that's a selfish response when it involves your children. I hate to try and. Well, you don't have any kids yet. All right.

You said. I hate to try to convince him to stop something he loves doing so much, but I can't imagine being with someone who participates in an extreme sport as a hobby. When I have children with him, is it wrong of me to ask him to promise to stop when we have kids, or am I being controlling?

Well, first of all, the fact that you asked that, you're a cool person, all right? If you're actually questioning your behavior, this is the thing. I think you're a little further ahead emotionally in this relationship than when he's at where most women are, all right?

And this is the thing. When you become a dad, you do change, all right? So that rather than fucking nag him about this shit, just let the guy ride. And if you get married, okay, I'm telling you right now, when you get married and you have a fucking kid, this guy is going to be so fucking sleep deprived and so goddamn tired. He's not going to have time to ride okay, though as much as he used to, which will then make it safer because he's not riding as much. But I think there's a big thing you can't. When you love somebody, you have to let them do what they love. Unless it's heroin. Okay?

Or being a pedophile. Obvious fucking things. All right? But other, you know.

If my wife liked all of a sudden wanted to be one of those roller derby queens, as much as it would fucking destroy me watching her taking those bumps as they elbowing them as they're skating around, if she really loved doing it.

You know, I wouldn't tell her not to fucking do it. I really would be worried about concussions and shit like that. I would be, I'm not gonna lie to you. But.

You gotta let people do what they do. It sounds like you got a really cool guy that you're dating, by the way, so congratulations.

And I think you're gonna be a great mom because you're doing what a mom does. A mom's already looking way into the future trying to figure out where the danger is and try to eliminate it. All right? So I think you're both lucky to have each other. Just fucking relax. Get yourself a goddamn glass of wine. Let the guy ride his bike. You know, you guys get married someday. I'm telling you, when you get fucking knocked up and all of a sudden he's got to go to 7 11, you know, because you want beef jerky and a fucking. Fucking. I don't know, it's a goddamn ice cream. Whatever your craving is, you know, believe me, like, I have had to make adjustments in my life.

I think you'll be fine. But you definitely really, you know. You know, they always say a good man's hard to find. A good woman is also hard to find. And the fact that you're cool enough to actually be considering. Am I being a douche here? I think you guys are going to be all right. All right. There you go. All right, neighbor. Invasion. Dear Billy Mango tits. I don't know what that means. It's bizarre and I like it. All right. I am an older lady.

Who just moved into a sweet cottage in the boondocks last month. All right? I met my next door neighbor before I moved in. And I liked her instantly as she seemed warm and funny. As it turned out, she's a Kramer. In the first week, she came knocking on my door numerous times for social calls. Oh, no. And she will stay for long Periods of time. Even if I tell her I'm busy and she won't sit down. So I feel like a captive audience to her monologues. I'm a solitary person and I don't like peop people coming over unannounced unless it's an emergency. This ain't. This ain't Little House.

Little House on the Prairie. I have told her firmly on numerous occasions to fucking stop it. Oh, good for you. You're a strong person.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I like it.

[Bill Burr]

And that I would appreciate her emailing me and waiting for a response or leaving a note if she wants to hang out. I'm not sure how much more clear I can be.

That I am uncomfortable with the situation. Especially when I see her face in my kitchen window at night waving me down. It scares the shit out of me. Yeah, that made me uncomfortable. She's even knocked on my bathroom window when I didn't answer the door. I don't wish to be mean. Oh, no, you got to be mean. You have to be mean. Since I live next to her, I know she's lonely and. Well, yeah, because she's a fucking lunatic. What kind of can you that's. Look what she's doing to you. And you don't even live with her. Can you imagine living with this woman? She'd be like that thing, an alien that's on those fucking people's faces.

I know she is lonely and I like to be friends with her, but she. But she just. No comprendo. Love your podcast and advice and thanks you ginger moose knuckle, for not being a sex offender. Cuz all my heroes are going down. Well, you know, it's still early in this game. You know, someone could accuse me of something. God knows it doesn't matter what the fuck.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I mean, I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody really innocent, nobody who seemed innocent has fucking.

Seemed to have been called out yet. You know, there's a couple people been like, I've never met that woman in my life. And then it fucking goes away. So I think it's all right, right? Still makes you nervous as a guy going, Jesus Christ. You know, this whole trial by social media is kind of scary over there. All right, let's stay with the topic here.

I don't. I don't know what I would just be. Look all like. I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I would do.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

I would do what you already did.

And.

All right, you want to know what I would do when she knocks on the door I'd be like, get out of here.

[Jake the Snake]

Off.

[Bill Burr]

I would do that. And when she knocked on my window and scared the shit out of me, I'd be like, dude, are you out of your mind? You're scaring the out of me.

I want to be friends with you, but you suffocate me. You.

All right? Do you want to be friends with me, yes or no? Yes. Great. Then stop being a jerk off. Stop knocking on my door, in my window. Stop crying.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, all right. Come on in. Come in.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sorry. Let me make you some lemonade. She's one of those people.

I don't know. I would. I don't. I don't know what. I don't know what. I would I get a BB gun, maybe shoot her in the knee as she comes over? Maybe she'll think it's a beehive or some shit. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what the fuck I would do. If you've actually told her that she sounds like a crazy person. Why would you want to be friends with a crazy person? I think you just got it. You just got to ignore her.

Like, the next time she knocks on your window like that, I would just knock back on the same. On the other side of the window, I'd knock back and then give her the finger. See how she handles that.

That's one way to do it. The other way to do it is to start talking about shit that freaks her out. If she's really religious, just talk about how much you love Satan and you've given yourself over to him.

I don't know what else you could do. Fart in her presence. I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know what to do. I feel bad for you.

For some reason, it reminded me of Misery. I just keep picturing that woman walking up to your window. The cockadoody whatever fucking come up to your window. It's very American Horror Story. Wife cries at least. So I hope that helps you out. I would just be more firm.

Write her a letter. Dear neighbor, Fuck off. Sincerely.

Solitary woman in college cottage next to you. Right? All right. Wife cries at least three times a week. Dear Bill Burr Baggins, Big fan of you, of your fu attitude towards life. I don't have a fuck you attitude towards life, Okay? I think it's very precious. And know that I am taking notes by telling people to go fuck yourself. All right? Anyways. Anyways, I have an issue with my wife to be. Because she cries all the time.

All right? That's a deal breaker for me.

I already have my advice. Next time she cries, just gently put your hands on her shoulders and be like, honey, honey, honey, grow up.

No, you can't do it. We've known each other since January 2017, and our marriage was arranged. Not forced, but arranged. All right? This is like tear and rupture. What the fuck does that mean? We both chose to marry each other after our parents allowed us to talk on the phone for a few months.

What the fuck is this?

What in God. Of course you did. If they. If they didn't allow you to talk on the fucking phone the first time you poke your head out of the ground. Yeah, you're gonna. You're gonna marry whatever you do just to get away from those controlling maniacs. Anyways, since we've been together and she's cried more times than I've cried in my life, including the times I've cried during my childhood. You ever think she's crying because she doesn't want to marry you? That's what I'd be worried about. She cries for various different reasons. Like her little sister annoys her.

Feels like she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't even know what to do with this person. But you know that you seem like you're from a different part of the world, a different culture, so. But you.

You do seem annoyed, but. Oh, my God.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I think I would start crying. I just. If you don't stop fucking crying, I swear to God I'm going to kill myself. And that would make her cry even more and just be like, what do I have to do?

Okay. Anyways, we are definitely getting married as that line has been crossed, so cutting it off isn't a possibility. Dude, where the are you in the world? I love her more than you love the freckles on your face.

But this is. Crying is wearing me down. Well, it seems like you still have a sense of humor about it, as I have to comfort her every time and just stare at her on FaceTime as she cries. At times, it just gets super annoying because she does cry over small shit. I gotta tell you something. I don't know this woman, and she's already. She's annoying the shit out of me. Anyway, she has a busy scheme schedule because she's training to be a teacher. Oh, God, hope she doesn't fucking teach some underprivileged kids. She'll have a goddamn nervous breakdown. Second, she starts crying and shows weakness, it's going to be over anyways. Getting a post grad.

Organizing Islamic events. Parentheses, no ISIS jokes, please. And she does an Islamic course at night, so I understand that she has shitloads on her plate.

She's underconfident and she feels like she's not the model woman you see on Instagram. Although I assure her that she is beautiful and I love her just the way she is.

I really don't know how to deal with this or even approach the situation. Sometimes I find that I am avoiding her because I know it will lead to are crying and what have you. What do you suggest?

Your podcast is sex to my ears. Nia is awesome and I hope Lola is not giving Nia too many sleepless nights. Thank you for listening, old bright bulb bag. Billy.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know what to tell you, dude.

I really don't know what the fuck to tell you.

I don't know how to solve this. This is like.

How do you tell a woman to stop crying in a way that doesn't make them cry more?

All right, okay. You know what I do when my wife is going to cry and I don't think it's that big a deal or I just don't want to deal with it.

When she starts to cry.

I just look at her and I jut out my bottom lip and I make the saddest, most pathetic. Just picture like a sad clown. I make the saddest stupid face. Stupidest face. And I look down while still looking up at her. Just imagine that look. And it always makes her laugh. And she gets fucking mad at me because she can't continue crying because I look so fucking ridiculous. And another way you could do it is right before you make that face, you take a big inhale, you go and you just make that face. And I'm telling you, if you. If she has a sense of fucking humor.

That'S what I would do.

I think that's what I would do. I would just joke my way out of it. Anytime she was crying over nothing, I would start crying with her.

Like, I just don't feel that I'm gonna be a good enough husband for you and be like. And I would just be like, I worry about that too.

Now. You have to know this. I am a dick, all right? But that's what I would do. I would just start doing that. And what's going to happen is hopefully she'll toughen up a little bit.

Jesus Christ, do you know how fucking nervous that would make me if a woman was crying because she loved me that much and was worried that she wouldn't be a good fucking. I would break up with her. I'd be like, I can't handle that pressure.

Jesus, what is going to happen when she finds out? I can't fucking read out loud mom's comment on pizza? Good luck to you, sir. That's what I would do. I would use humor. I would use humor.

Your know, next time she go, honey, can I talk to you about something? I would have like 40 fucking boxes of Kleenex and just fucking run over with like five boxes of Kleenex. Just I would just do something to make it silly and ridiculous.

And then she might get upset that you do that. I guess I would then say.

The would I say.

I would just be honest, just say, listen, I, I, I love you to death but you, you to let the amount that you cry, I don't know how to deal with it. Oh, that made you cry? Jesus Christ, what do you guys say? What do you Islamic guys say when you curse? What do you, what do you say instead of Jesus Christ? What do you, what do you say?

Do you say something? Do you take, do you take Muhammad's name in vain? Do you do something like that? Whatever the fuck it is you say? I would, I would be really, that would really. I mean that's a lot. These fucking letters are a lot this week, okay? The fucking neighbor, the goddamn fucking douchebag who needs an apology for a fucking side hug through two different women? He needs to get his apology.

That guy is such a pussy. What kind of fucking guy uninvites another guy to a fucking wedding as if that's some sort of punishment? He just made his day, you asshole. If you really didn't like the psyduck, you should make him fucking go there.

And then there's the one cool chick who fucking boyfriend rides motocross. All right, not saying the other people weren't cool, but good lord. Wife cries at least three times a week.

I read that it's three times a day. Three times a week, that's still a lot.

It's 156 times a year.

That's what I would do. All right, 365 minus 156. Oh Jesus. 256. 250. That's 194. 194 days you're not crying 156. You are.

Okay? That's like Marty Schottenheimer's lifetime record. That like that's the way you're crying. Days you cry versus days you don't. And that's not enough to make it in this league, okay? So I'm going to need you to toughen it up at least two thirds more. Why don't you tell her she's allowed to cry once a week unless something really bad happens. Okay?

You know what you could do? You could go to the pet store and get one of those shocker collars and every time she starts to cry, just fucking zap her.

I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. All right? Mom's comment on pizza leads to breakup.

I have no idea where this is going. All right? Hey, Bill, weekly listener here. Love efforts for family and all your stand up stuff. Keep up the good work. My question is, what experiences?

Hey, Nia.

Oh, good to see you. Come on in.

Come on in.

A Nia. This guy's fucking wife cries three times a week. Why?

That's hilarious. Did you guys hear that? She goes, why are you gonna cry? She cries because she loves him so much.

She just did a spit take.

I swear to God.

No, she does not. Yes, she does.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Nobody loves somebody that much. They cry three times a week.

[Bill Burr]

Well, this is the thing. They're Islamic and their parents allowed them. I love you so much.

[Paul Virzi]

Like.

[Bill Burr]

Well, listen.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Knock it off.

[Bill Burr]

Exactly. I was telling them what I do when you cry. Remember that time when you were crying? I just kept making that face.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I go.

Which was not helpful by the way.

[Bill Burr]

It helped me because I just didn't want to deal about you.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I didn't know me. If I'm crying, I'm having an emotion about something.

[Bill Burr]

Can I tell you something?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Job isn't to like change, check out and figure out how to way for you to deal with it. Your job is to like check in and figure out how I can deal with it. Your job is to make me feel better, not cope for yourself.

[Bill Burr]

God, yeah, but sometimes you just don't want to deal with like, like, you know when I, you know when I occasionally just don't want to deal.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Just fucking deal. Be a nice person. Be emotionally open. Don't be a fucking vast wasteland of non emotion man.

[Bill Burr]

Are you high?

Yes, you are.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I reserve the right not to answer that.

[Bill Burr]

Okay?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Nobody cry. She's lying because she's not crying that much because she loves him.

[Bill Burr]

Can I tell you something? Do you know, like do you know, occasionally I'll get upset and I go on a rant. Wouldn't it be great if you knew how to. Well, your version of that is when you cry. No, it is. No, it is. No, don't tell me how I feel.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Don't tell me how I react to things. I don't cry.

[Bill Burr]

Like, don't respond to my. Don't tell me with your. Don't tell me.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

If I'm angry, I'm angry. If I'm emotional, I'm fucking emotional.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, can I finish this? These people are Islamic. This is an arranged marriage. It's not forced. Just listen, for fuck's sakes. Give me. Get over by the mic. All right? They actually were allowed to talk on the fucking phone for a few months. Okay.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

So, yeah, these are. These are fucking. You know, this is very. I respect it. Secluded life here.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Okay, I get it.

[Bill Burr]

So, you know, she's. Her emotions are at the surface, so she cries if her little sister annoys her. If she. She feels she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Oh. So whenever she's having emotions, basically.

[Bill Burr]

Right. What's a good way to be like, honey, I love you to death, but could you knock it off? Because you're driving me crazy. How do you say that to a woman without making her cry more?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I mean, yeah, she seemed like she would cry. If you told him. If you told her, like, you know, I don't know. The tea was not sweet enough. So she's definitely sensitive.

[Bill Burr]

I. I told him to start crying, too. Oh, God. Like, she's just like, I'm just worried. And I was like, me, too. And I was thinking she would get.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Mad probably because if she did it.

[Bill Burr]

Like that, because, well, then she stops crying. Hey, hang in here for this last one.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

He's happy. No, I don't know. Honestly, I have no idea.

[Bill Burr]

I can tell you as a man, when a woman cries, all we want you to do is to stop.

[Jake the Snake]

Stop crying.

[Bill Burr]

We don't give a.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

We are aware of that, yes. Completely selfish when it comes to our emotions. Yeah, we know.

[Bill Burr]

Well, you're selfish. When I yell, that's an emotion. You want me to stop yelling?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yelling, like, hearing somebody yell constantly is, like, traumatic.

[Bill Burr]

Hearing somebody cry all the time is also traumatic. It's like you're watching this sad movie that never ends.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

It is. No, that would be a real. She sounds like a real drip.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Jesus. All right, come on. That was good. Well, what can he do?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Oh boy, oh boy, buddy.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yeah, I don't. It sounds like that's just kind of how she is.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, listen, I don't know if your religion allows you to do this, but I would get some Bose wireless headphones, the noise canceling ones. Whenever she starts crying, I just put them on and put on your favorite music.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Can you ask her dad or her mom or whatever?

[Bill Burr]

Like just.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I just feel like she's very sensitive. She cries easily, you know? Is that. Yeah, I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I wouldn't do that. If they finally let her talk on the phone and then you're gonna come be like, yeah, you know, can you tweak her a little bit this way? Anyway, Mom. Mom's comment on pizza leads to breakup. Hey, Bill, Weekly listener love F is for family and all your stand up stuff. Keep up the good work. All right, my question question is what experiences have you had with dating while going through a rough, rough time with your professional career?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Bill has never dated anyone besides me. I'm the only woman in his life that matters. And I really don't appreciate you asking about the people that came before me.

[Bill Burr]

I gotta tell you something. I dated a lot of great women. A lot of hotties that were absolute animals in the rack.

My girlfriend and I dated for three years and recently decided to go on a break. Yeah, all right, you're breaking up. We met in law school, both graduated with good grades and each passed the bar exam. The big difference between us is that she got a job right after graduation with a high salary, insane benefits, and located in a wealthy suburb. This was largely due to a family connection, which she openly admits. Yeah, good for her. Use your connection. Meanwhile, I hope to get hired by a firm I worked at during my final year of law school, but was told at the last minute that none of the interns would be hired. You fucking cunts. Oh my God. After you sat there going through their card catalog or whatever the fuck it is you guys do. As a result, I have been living with my parents for the past three months, making money, teaching tennis lessons while sending resumes and traveling for interviews all over the state. The decision for a break came when my girlfriend was visiting me at my parents house. She and I went out for pizza and came back with some leftovers. My girlfriend put the pizza in the fridge, but my mom, who has a heavy Russian accent, told her that putting the pizza in the fridge destroys the flavor. I did not even bat an eye at the Interaction and went to the couch to watch a hockey game. This guy's living the life. He's living at home. He's teaching tennis, he's watching hockey. He's eating pizza. I love this guy's life. After an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong. According to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom to not speak to her that way. Well, in defense of her, tell my.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Girlfriend not to put the pizza in the fridge.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but in defense of her, though, the Russian accent is a little harsh.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

They can't help it. Even when they're being, like, happy and friendly towards each other, they sound like they're screaming at each other. They want to murder each other.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that they're gonna send you to the fucking Gulag.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Don't get mad at me. You know that shit is true. And, like, think about your grandparents and your aunts and your uncles, like, when you went in the room.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody gets mad at anything. On this podcast, Nia, I have. I have curated some of the dumbest people on this planet, and we all just sit in our fucking bubble of stupidity enjoying all of this. All right? After an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong. Okay. According to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom to not speak to her that way. I know my mom can sound a little harsh with her accent. Yeah, there you go. And sometimes uses incorrect words.

Use your imagination when speaking English. But the two have always had a good relationship, so there was no reason. Reason to think she would be upset by the comment. This started an argument about how I've become a mama's boy. Oh, boy. Oh, she went there. And that I'm not really pissed about that whole pizza situation and that I'm not desperate enough to move out of the house.

Somebody's gonna throw a chair soon. These comments really pissed me off because she has personally seen the amount of hard work and long hours I put into my school. Schoolwork, internship, passing the bar exam. Yeah. Not to mention she got a hookup and sending out resume. Additionally, this came a day after I was informed that I was close. A close second for a job I was excited about potentially receiving. Yes. So this is it. Yeah. You're seeing branches. You know, land is coming. You like Christopher Columbus?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

This is gross.

[Bill Burr]

Nia was commenting on this. All natural ginger ale. I actually like it.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Oh, my God. Hey, really quickly, can I just ask you you a quick question? Do you consider ginger ale Soda.

[Bill Burr]

I thought you asked me, do I consider ginger ale offensive? An offensive name?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Do you consider ginger ale soda?

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You do?

[Bill Burr]

Yes. Yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

People that follow me on Twitter will know what I'm talking about. I did a poll on Twitter because I realized that I don't consider ginger ale soda.

[Bill Burr]

Well, it's because you only drink it when you have. When your stomach's not.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Everybody was saying to me, but, you know, I'm obsessed with ginger ale, so I drink it all the time, but people seem to.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Why don't you consider it soda?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Oh, no, I have no idea. I consider soda like coke and orange.

[Bill Burr]

Do you consider an apple of fruit?

[Jake the Snake]

No.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Why not?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I know it's super obvious, but I just never made the connection that it would be soda.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. If you said that on a first date, there would be no second date. I'd be like, this is the bimbo. Jesus, I thought I was dumb.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You would think I was a bimbo, though. Yeah, that's. That's okay.

[Bill Burr]

I can look. That reminds me. That's a story of the podcast. That girl one time, like, hey, you.

[Jake the Snake]

Want to go out?

[Bill Burr]

You want to go grab some sushi or something some night? Oh, my God, I love sushi. But one time I ate it every day for, like, a month. And what do you call the white part of your eye? I'm like, the white part of your eye. She goes, it turned all yellow.

And I was like, hey, that had jaundiced. Yes. And I conveniently had another call coming in that I had to take.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Well, but even if you thought it.

[Bill Burr]

Was a bimbo, I still tried to go out with her.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I feel like part of bimbo still means, like, you are attracted to me.

[Bill Burr]

So I still tried to go out with her, though. Of course you did. You know, she was an underwear model. She modeled me undies. Me undies. No, she didn't.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

So, anyway, pizza. Sorry to interrupt.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. Additionally. Okay, this came. Okay. So the guy was excited. I suspect the real situation is my girlfriend has an image of who her partner is and saw potential in me meeting that image someday. But right now, I'm not living up to that image. It's like, she's an NFL GM and I am the potential franchise quarterback who still needs to work on his arm strength before becoming the starter. In her eyes, I'm boozing it up like Johnny Football instead of hitting the gym. I gotta tell you something, dude. I'd let this girl go.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

And I have to say something, too. Do not fall in love with potential. It is a trap.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, she. Well, she's. She's fallen.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

No, that's what I'm saying. For her to, like, fall in love with potential is. It's not a good idea. So it's really about. That's the end of the question.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he kind of knocked it off there. You know, I gotta be honest with you. I actually thought this guy was going to do better with the question. Yeah. I believed in his potential for this question more.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yeah. And then end up going nowhere.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I think couch. Oh. I was gonna say, I think your girlfriend made a point here.

Yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

So clearly it's not about the pizza. It's about, like, the bigger picture for him and where he's at in her life. And she's not. She's like.

[Bill Burr]

She's a spoiled brat who just got a job gifted to her, so she doesn't understand why.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

But she's still, like, good at it, though, right? Like, it's. It's not as if she just got it and she sucks at it.

[Bill Burr]

I know, but you know something?

[Paul Virzi]

He did.

[Bill Burr]

He didn't say that he brought that up because I would have brought that up.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm sorry.

[Bill Burr]

I don't fucking come from the goddamn Waltons, who's a big lawyer family on tv. Were the Waltons Lawyer. Lawyers.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Cliff Huxtable was a lawyer.

[Bill Burr]

Did you ever watch the Walton?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

No, no, sorry. Claire Huxtable was the lawyer.

[Bill Burr]

The Waltons was the Cosby show for white people.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

What is the Waltons?

[Bill Burr]

It's just a bunch of rednecks living in an old farmhouse. There's like 90 of them. They all have overalls.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Sounds terrible.

[Bill Burr]

What do you have against white people in overalls and dilapidated buildings? Good night, John Boy.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

That's that show.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Good night, whoever. Good night, so and so.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, good, good. Good night, Mary Sue. All right, Bob and Joe. Good night, John Boy. John Boy.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Who's John Boy?

[Bill Burr]

John Boy was like, the oldest dude on. He was like a man. He was like a young man, but.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

He was a boy. John Boy. Is his dad John, too? And he's John Mann.

[Bill Burr]

He's John Mann. He's John, man. We're not answering this guy's question. I.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

What is the question?

[Bill Burr]

There is no question, but I think he just wants me to comment on the situation. I have no idea. But I would just say that.

I.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Would, like, bitch, why don't you support me when I'm down? How about you? How about your potential to be a loving and supportive spouse? Like, why are you kicking me When I'm down, like, don't you think that I'm trying to make it happen? Don't you think I want to impress you? Don't you think I want to. Want to be like, you know, the man that, like, you know, is. Is everything that you've ever dreamed of? I'm having a hard time right now.

[Bill Burr]

Like, you know, why have that four hour debate when you can just break up with somebody? I. I see too many red flags here. Too many red flags. They're. First of all, they're both lawyers, okay?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You can just argue it out all night long.

[Bill Burr]

Since they loved her, they're going to be competitive. They're in the same field, then they're supposed to. And then she gets fucking pregnant. And, like, who the fuck puts their fucking practice on hold? You know?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

She would have to, obviously, if she's carrying a baby. Like, that's kind of how it goes.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like, she should be loving, so she's.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Like, so get your shit together, because eventually, when we have a family, I'm gonna have to take time.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck that. She. She seems like the alpha male here in this, and I think that she's gonna want to keep working alpha. And then this guy can. This guy can just chill out with the kids. Teaching tennis.

Yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I mean, it's not like he doesn't have a job.

[Bill Burr]

He's looking for a job. He almost got one.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Okay, well, keep at it.

[Bill Burr]

Keep your chin up.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I don't know. Both of these people sound annoying.

[Bill Burr]

Why? How is he annoying?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

They're just both annoying. He's like, I'm playing tennis. I'm doing my best. And she's like, get it?

[Bill Burr]

He's teaching tennis.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Whatever.

[Bill Burr]

He's trying. He's making money.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yeah, but you have to play it to teach it.

[Bill Burr]

You're, like, killing in your own head right now. I don't know what's going on with you. You find yourself very amusing. All right, I do. I really do. Right. You know something? All right, I almost started crying. Like, that guy's potential wife. His wife. All right, that is the podcast. I don't know if I helped anybody. I don't even know what I talked about. I want to thank everybody who came out Albuquerque and people who came out in Tucson, Arizona, and Dean Del Rey. Jesus Christ. He's been fucking murdering in front of me.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

That's awesome.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, like, people is like an audible. Like, no, when he's. When his set's over, it's annoying. He's making me work out there.

They crushing it. Dean's. The best. And I will be with Dean next Sunday night out in Santa Barbara.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I want to go.

[Bill Burr]

I want to go and go out and spend the money that you're earning and go look at stuff.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You.

[Bill Burr]

I go to you.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

It has nothing to do.

[Bill Burr]

What do you want to do in Santa Barbara?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I want to go and hang out and see Santa Barbara.

[Bill Burr]

How much does that cost?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Pay with you? It doesn't cost anything for me to, like, see things.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Cuz I'm paying for it.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Paying for what exactly?

[Bill Burr]

The trip to Santa Barbara.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You are working in Santa Barbara and I'm tagging along with you. Like, what is the problem?

[Paul Virzi]

You just don't.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

What, you don't want me to cramp your style? What are you, Dean gonna go. Go do, like skipping through the vineyards together?

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna go to a brothel. What do you think we're gonna do again? You're gonna be there being like, I hope you wear a condom. I don't need that. Listen, if you can try to with that fucking second grade manipulation to try to turn the conversation into that goddamn direction, I'm just gonna steer into it. Nia.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Why wouldn't I be able to come to Santa Barbara? It's a beautiful place. I haven't been there in years. Like, what is the problem?

[Bill Burr]

I'll tell you what the problem is. Because fuck you.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Because fuck me why?

[Bill Burr]

Because you only. Because you only support me when I go to fun places. You're never there when I need you. When I go to. When I go to Sacramento. You never want to tag along.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I would potentially go to Sacramento. I mean, it is the capital of what, California?

I'm not that high.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Why would I go to a not fun city? Like, why would I do that?

[Bill Burr]

Why would I need you to come along to a fun city? I'm already having fun.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You love when I come on the road with you. That's why I traveled so much with you before.

[Bill Burr]

These are things I say to keep the relationship going.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Fronting on your podcast. Like, I like you don't enjoy me being there with you when you're on the road.

[Bill Burr]

I'm always lonely in the road. Oh, I miss you. Oh, I miss the baby.

[Paul Virzi]

Like.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Like you're so tough and you're so in control and you're just like the man of the family.

[Bill Burr]

Wait a minute, Wait a minute.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Love when I'm there with you on the road. So knock it off.

[Bill Burr]

Timeout. Timeout.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

You're talking a lot of. I didn't get lonely on the Road like this until I had a dog daughter.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Are you.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Are you serious?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. But I did a three week run.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Are you suggesting that you were not lonely on the road before we had a daughter? Are you saying that?

[Bill Burr]

For the most part, yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Are you saying you didn't miss me when you're on the road?

[Bill Burr]

For the most part, yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Oh, so then who are you lying to?

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Jake the Snake]

You?

[Bill Burr]

So you feel better?

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

That's completely untrue.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Have you ever seen what I do on the road? I go to steams, I go to games, I'm hanging out with my friends. I'm riding on a bus. It's fucking tremendous. The whole game thing is you got to make your wife feel like you're not having a good time out there or she's going to get upset.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Are you serious?

[Bill Burr]

A lot of the times, yeah. Oh my God. No. But now that. Now that I have a kid, it's different. Fucking.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

So you never miss me when you were on the road? All those nights that you called me and said you were lonely and you wish that I was here and you saw something funny and you're sending me.

[Bill Burr]

A lot of those times, pictures all.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Day and text messages all day like, I miss you. Check this out. Isn't this funny? Blah, blah, blah.

[Bill Burr]

And like you, that was a lot of those times. A lot of the times it's bullshit with you.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Almost 15 years, it's all been bullshit.

[Bill Burr]

Not all, but a lot of it is.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I don't believe you.

[Bill Burr]

That's how you do the road as a guy.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

I don't believe you. I will never trust you again.

[Bill Burr]

If this is true, Nia, you gotta say, I'm going to Milwaukee. I'm seeing the Henry Winkler statue.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Who?

[Bill Burr]

I'm going Fonzie. I'm going to the fucking. The Harley Davidson museum. Wait, wait.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

They have a statue of him? Why? What did he do?

[Bill Burr]

Because Happy Days was filmed in front of a live audience. Studio audience there.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

But it's not like it's Rocky. Do they really have a statue of him?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Seemed like a waste of a statue.

[Bill Burr]

Like, why? It's like the funniest thing ever. A waste of a statue. Like, the statue could have been something else. Like, what are you gonna do? Chop the head off and put Merv Griffin's head on there? Wait a minute.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Is that character that iconic that it deserves its own statue?

[Bill Burr]

Hey, that guy.

That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee. Because they. It's. It's a city, but it's small town. Oh my God. Milwaukee.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You got to do better.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Nia, so mean. That's one of my favorite scenes cities. I love Milwaukee.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what?

[Bill Burr]

Milwaukee, you're okay with me.

All right, Nia, this is the deal. Of course I miss you on the road. I love you, I love our daughter. But this, there's times where I'm really having a good time out there.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Yes, I know.

[Bill Burr]

So you have to text. Hey, honey, I'm thinking about you. I'm not thinking about you. I'm watching SEC football. I sometimes forget I'm married when I'm at those games. Games.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Okay, I get it. You don't have to keep like, you know.

[Bill Burr]

No, because you went so hard the other way, going like I missed you like I was some pansy.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

It wasn't painting you like a pansies. Not like you, like you love me and you miss me. No, I get it.

[Bill Burr]

So it's self serving.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Obviously you're having fun on the road. Like you and you know, text me pictures of you and Paul Versy and, and, and Joe Bartnick, like arms length, you know, skipping into an arena of some sort. Like so I get it. I understand.

[Bill Burr]

That's our tradition. We always skip in.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

Three abreast.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I fucking rent a helicopter, I fly myself to Vegas. It's fucking. It's a good time. It's a good goddamn time. All right. This podcast is way too fucking long. It's an hour and a half long. All right, I. Okay. Can we apologize to the city of Milwaukee? I will. On behalf before we start.

A, a social media controversy here. All right, I'm done with this.

That's it, everybody. Happy holidays, man. Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas. All that shit's coming up. Go yourselves and I'll talk to you on, on Thursday. Stupid.

[Jake the Snake]

What's up everybody?

[Paul Virzi]

And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host, Paul Burzee, Bill Burr. We have Andrew Semless behind the glass. And of course we have Jake the Snake back from his extravaganza he had with Lord knows who and Lord knows where. But he's back.

[Jake the Snake]

Don't ask, don't tell Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

He doesn't kiss the tail, that's for sure.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean, I'll tell you how I.

[Jake the Snake]

Did oh last week. Let me hear, let me hear. First of all, can we just say it was not the same without Jake the Snake.

[Paul Virzi]

It's never. Is never telling you the vibes.

[Jake the Snake]

The vibes were just not There. So with no. With no Jake the Snake. How did it go for you there, Paulie?

[Paul Virzi]

Well, I started out, oh, and two, because the Chiefs didn't do their thing on Thanksgiving, nor did the Lions. Luckily, two wild picks that I had came through, which were the Chicago Bears, who are the gift that keeps giving, and also the Panthers getting 10. The Panthers ended up winning outright. So those two games came in for me and I ended up going two and two. But I am still. I mean, I need. I mean, I'm on life support. I need like three four zeros in a row right now.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, let's put. Bring it up. Let's see the stats here. Are they. Are we. Are they posted? There we go. Let's see how it looks. All right, Paul, you got.

[Paul Virzi]

I am 1733 and 2. So I guess the 2 equals 1 loss and 1 win. I. I don't know how that works. I guess Bill, you are. I mean, Bill is having a good year. You're right there. 20, 20.

[Jake the Snake]

This is the same year I have it, Billy. Win some, lose some. Actually win some, lose some.

All right, so 26 and 2.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

I want.

[Jake the Snake]

I want the listeners to think about what you just said. You picked two games where you thought what was going to happen, and then you went out on a limb on two where you. Like, I'm just, you know, throwing one in from the two that you took a risk on that made no sense. 1. And then the things where you thought what was going to happen didn't happen. Lost.

[Paul Virzi]

I thought the Panthers made sense. Getting 10. The bears, I was scared of. But I know what you're saying.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, well, I'm trying to steer the narrative into don't do what the herd is doing.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Do something else. Well, I was lucky enough to go, and I will say lucky. I went 3 and 1. What did I have? I had the Packers. I took the Bengals. There's my. That's my gift that keeps giving is Joe Flacco with points.

I think Joe. I think Joe Burrow is finally back this week or. I don't know if he went last week.

[Paul Virzi]

No, he won last week. They won last week.

[Jake the Snake]

You won him.

[Paul Virzi]

You won that game. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, he won that game. Okay. I was out with Mike. That's why I was saying I was lucky to go three one. Last two weeks, I've watched very little football, been doing the dad thing. Then I had the Texans, and then I picked a game that I heard somebody said, Boomer Siason said if you bet on the Dolphins versus the Saints, that you have a problem, you need to talk to somebody.

[Bill Burr]

That's hilarious.

[Jake the Snake]

And I took the Dolphins, dude, and I was in there, Paul. I was looking at a four, no week. And you know, the Dolphins just went into the pre band to save, you know, the game and kill the clock. And then they just gave him a touchdown. And old Billy, the old backdoor cover. Paul, you know what I should have done? Looking back at it, you know, most people go down to Miami and they party and they can't handle that they're down there the same. You know, Saints are in New Orleans, Paul. That's a party town. I don't need to tell you. We certainly don't need to tell Jake the Snake, who three times I believe was the king of the Mardi Gras parade just because of his sheer body count down there. I should have known that the Saints were going to. We're going to. The Saints were going to come in, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

So, yeah, they came marching in, dude. Do you remember the time. This was such a hilarious memory. You and I went to Monday Night Football after performing at Harrah's together in New Orleans, and we saw Mike Vick. Mike Vick, quarterback, the Eagles. And me and you get drunk. We're drinking and we're walking out, and one guy was like, hey, man, I'll drive you guys back. And we're like, all right. And he was walking in front of us. And then me and you got into this huge argument because you know me with sports, I got hammered. And I go. I said something ridiculous like, I can throw a college football 50 yards and an NFL football 45 yards, something nuts. And you go, no, the numbers were.

[Jake the Snake]

Higher than that, Paul, whatever your alcohol, I wouldn't have argued 50 or 45. I think you were on the other side of the field.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I might have said 40, 55, 60. I don't think I said. I think I said 55 and 50. Either way, you go, get the.

[Bill Burr]

Out of. You can't.

[Paul Virzi]

And the guy and me and you start arguing about how far I could throw football. And the guy that was going to drive us just started walking ahead and just left. Remember?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, he made the good thing. Paul, I apologize for that argument.

I'm sorry for that. That was the alcohol.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

That was my.

[Jake the Snake]

My BS from a kid. So I apologize for that.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, it's all good. But he was like, I can't have these two in my.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, listen to me.

[Paul Virzi]

I can't. Sorry.

[Bill Burr]

I shouldn't have done it.

[Jake the Snake]

No, I remember that Guy, he, like, walked away. And you know, as much of an asshole as I am, like, I always clock stuff like that.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Like, I'm not.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, fuck that guy. He's a fucking poor. I don't. I go, I just made another adult who, when he first met us five minutes ago, he thought these two complete strangers were okay to get in his car. And now he's briskly walking away.

And you know what? Shout out to that guy. Shout out to that guy. Listening to his inner voice, Knowing better than to have us two knuckleheads.

Yeah, a couple of idiots, dude. I remember that. And then we had to try to figure out how to get back as the Superdome's all the way down the damn street. We were staying up the way we walked far.

[Paul Virzi]

We were drinking. It was. Say, those are the good old days, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

I remember my heartburn was like fucking here the whole weekend. And I didn't understand acidity of whatever. So I said, oh, I'll have a salad. And I got like balsamic vinaigrette, which is also more acidity, you know, smoking cigars. I don't know what we were doing, dude, but like. But it's also like New Orleans. I had an acting gig there a long time ago. I did this movie called Black or White, and I spent a summer there. And that was as far as, you know, being a root, not a root, being a tourist, not knowing what that was. One of the hardest cities I've ever been in to try to eat well, yes. You know, it was like, everything is fucking deep fried po boy sandwiches and those little fucking beignets, those donuts they got. And it's just like, I remember there was a. There was a supermarket up the street. And like, I had to ask the lady when the vegetables came in, it was one day a week. And if you got there afternoon, they were gone. So I bought a juicer at a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I had to take a cab over a bridge outside of the city. Like, I'm telling you, man, like, there's something going on there with that fucking wall and no vegetables. I don't know if the government is jealous about what a good time everybody has down there, but it seems like they're trying to kill them.

[Bill Burr]

So, dude, we.

[Paul Virzi]

We went to Commander palace in eight. But do you remember when me and you were watching football in the. In the casino sports book or the casino bar, and there was a guy that was angry at everybody?

[Jake the Snake]

No, he was there. He was off.

[Paul Virzi]

He was off, but he.

[Bill Burr]

He.

[Paul Virzi]

I was sitting Next to him. He was okay with me. Do you remember that? He was like, okay with me. And you were like, dude, we gotta watch this guy. But he was just like. He was like. Something was off with him, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

And it was chill by. And he was built like Marshawn lynch too, so. And then that fucking idiot drunk came up talking to him. And you saw him, dude, it was triggering something in him. And I'm like, this idiot talking to him does not understand. He's ready to get his fucking head ripped off. That guy was like, visibly, dude, any. Any time that was. That he was doing this, watching a game or whatever. So that's kind of like, you know, you're like, okay, that's that. And you know that shit where, you know, like, I need to get away from this guy, but I can't do it immediately or he's going to notice. So you kind of. Kind of got to do like one of those.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah, and do one of those.

[Jake the Snake]

You can't just look like zoinks and run away from the guy. It's like walking away from a fucking predator, man.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. And he was like, staring at the TV like he had a lot of money and that drunk guy was talking to him, dude. And it was just like, dude, talk about not reading the room.

[Jake the Snake]

No, that guy, that. That guy, he was in his own. He was in his own. I don't think he was betting on the games. I think he was in a sports book. And then in his head, he was completely somewhere else. And whatever that world was, this dude came up to him and. Yeah, it was. Yeah, that was a hell of a weekend. And we saw lsu, Alabama, too. Lsu, Alabama, Saturday. And then we partied Sunday, and then Monday we went to Monday Night Football. Eagles, Saints.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. And I remember in the lobby of our hotel, I saw Drew Rosenhaus, who's the. Who's the agent of all the big ones. He was at the, like the reception at the desk. I was like, oh, shit, dude. That was because he came in there. Mike Vick actually looked really good there, too.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul, what was the over. Under of 10,000 calories in those three days?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, take the over.

[Paul Virzi]

Take the over.

[Jake the Snake]

There was no defense. No defense in that weekend, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, that's a good point. Anytime you see somebody rocking, it's never gonna be like, hey, beautiful day out there.

[Jake the Snake]

You guys have music playing?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it's.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, this here, this here is wild. Dude, stay away from that.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it's. It's never. I was on a subway with a Guy once, and he was looking. I'm here, and he was looking here. So he's like. He's right there, and he's just going, yeah. Huh? You guys don't think I'll do it on this thing? I do it. I swear to God. I was down by Bowling Green, down by, like, Wall street. And he's going, yeah. And I just. A pen out, because I work down there. And he's not looking at me. He's looking here, but he's going, yeah. What are you gonna do with that pen, huh? I think I'm worried about a pen. I was in war. I'll pull out a gun, I'll kill it. And he didn't even have a gun. He was like, in a T shirt. And he goes, we can do that pen, dude. I was just like, all right, man.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, I remember one time I got on the train, there was this white kid hopped up on something on 96th street, and he was singing this song, and he was dropping the N word. He was going, I'm a crazy N word Da da da da da da da I'm a crazy N word doing the best I can and he just kept doing it over and over again. I was just sitting there.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Everybody's just looking out, you know, white people looking like, is he gonna get his ass kicked? But he's crazy. Yeah. So everybody else, you know, everybody's like, dude, I'm going to work. He's not saying it to me. He's fucking nuts. Not rolling around, dude. For, like, seven stops on a loop, he was singing that song. This is, like, 1995. This is right when. This is when New York was still, you know, New York, dude.

[Paul Virzi]

What comic had that bit? What comic had that bit? Was it Jessica Kierson somebody, or.

[Bill Burr]

It was.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I don't know why I'm going from. I'm either going from, like, Jessica Kierson to. Who's the guy? Oh, my God. No, it's not Jessica Kierson. Who's the guy? Who's a radio host. You're friends with him. Rudy Rush? Is it Rudy Rush?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rudy. Yeah, Rudy friends. I talk to him all the time.

[Paul Virzi]

Rudy Rush said he was on, like, a train, and some guy went up and started acting crazy. So that he started acting crazy. He liked something, like, where he was like. And it worked. It's so fun.

[Jake the Snake]

I was gonna say, does it cancel it out?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah. Because you don't. No one wants to with crazy dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I would. I would have just thought that that he would be able to see through that. Like it'd be like meeting a veteran. He said he went to war and I travel. Yeah, I went to war too. He'd be looking to go to war.

[Nia (Bill Burr's wife)]

You.

[Jake the Snake]

Sitting there with my army navy jacket on.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, let's. We're going into week 14 here.

[Bill Burr]

This is.

[Paul Virzi]

We got five weeks left. 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. We got five weeks left and we got to bring in Jake the snake back, guys. Fresh off the press back from vacation. We don't know where he was or how met who he was with there. Look how happy he looks exactly.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I mean the playboy lifestyle is exhausting. Even. Even Jake can't do it all the time. Jake, we missed you, buddy.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, I'm glad to be back. The last episode title is very funny. Jake's on a Plane was a good laugh.

[Bill Burr]

Did you.

[Jake the Snake]

You went. You went back for Thanksgiving?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Me and you're not going to say where? Jake, we like the man of mystery.

[Andrew Semless]

Fair enough. Me and my family just went on vacation though. It was very nice.

[Jake the Snake]

There you go.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

And he's a family man. Ladies, there's no end to the level that this man can satisfy you and.

[Paul Virzi]

Jake, you are a. Just so all the ladies know you are a bachelor, right? You're a single guy.

[Andrew Semless]

Yes, this is true. I am single.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean guys, what else do you need? What else do you need?

[Andrew Semless]

You know?

All right, I'll say some of the bigger injuries. Justin.

[Jake the Snake]

One of the most subtle segues I've ever seen. Jake. That's one of the.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, we'll start off with Herbert. He fractured his hand and kept playing against the Raiders. And then it looks sounds like he's going to play this week again against the Eagles.

[Jake the Snake]

So is it his throwing hand?

[Andrew Semless]

It's his non throwing hand. So that's why people are like maybe you can play through it. He had the surgery on Monday and so we'll see how. How it works. I. I couldn't imagine. And they are going to get their running back Omarion Hampton back as well from ankle for fracture. And then Jane Daniels is back practicing for. For the Commanders so he could possibly play against the Vikings. He had that gruesome elbow injury a couple months back so it's good to see him back out there. Hopefully he plays. It's not official yet. And then the Lions, we were just talking about it but Amon Ross St. Brown, their. Their superstar receiver hurt his ankle on Thanksgiving and looks like he's a game time decision for tonight. I'm shocked that he's gonna be able to play, but he's a really tough guy so hopefully he's back out there for them. And then the Colts have some big injuries too. Daniel Jones is playing through a fractured fibula. I don't know how, but I know I couldn't imagine.

[Paul Virzi]

Stupid dude.

[Bill Burr]

They're.

[Paul Virzi]

They're already playoff bound. What are they doing?

[Andrew Semless]

Well, not anymore because.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

So they play Jacksonville this week. They're both 8 and 4, the top of the division. So there's a lot of big games like that. Like Baltimore plays Pittsburgh. They're both 6 and 6 and first place for that division. Bears and packers are both not. Sorry, Bears are up a game. They're nine and three and that's going to be a really big game too. So there's a lot of big division playoff game stuff this week.

[Jake the Snake]

I do agree with Paul that like sometimes just to make that stupid playoff run. Yeah, it's really short sighted where I feel like Daniel Jones has found a home here. Let the guy heal up. You've done enough that your fan base is excited about what's going on. Like don't do like some RG3 stuff and just bring the guy back and do it.

[Paul Virzi]

Fibula too. Fibula is like, dude, if that, that's like. If a guy lands on it, that's bad, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, like a hairline fracture.

[Bill Burr]

How could you play if it's broken?

[Jake the Snake]

I don't, I don't know how somebody's shotgun formation. I was even thinking like Herbert, right. It's this non throwing hand. So he, he's under center. This is the top hand and every time you're there, that ball comes back.

[Paul Virzi]

And what they do is up. They wrap it up tight and they give him a shot so he doesn't feel it.

[Jake the Snake]

I would just be like shotgun formation.

[Andrew Semless]

That's exactly what they've been doing. Yeah. So they have a quarterback under center and they have Herbert and shotgun is. Appears to be a strategy but you know, they play on Monday. We'll see. I would probably what I would do since the Chargers play the Eagles and Chiefs back to back is maybe sitting against the Eagles and have them maybe play against the Chiefs.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know.

[Andrew Semless]

I mean playing through a fractured hand, I. I don't know how that's possible. I was curious.

[Jake the Snake]

Can't lose another game, right?

[Andrew Semless]

It's gonna, It's a tough game.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Jake the Snake]

They have to like could only maybe lose one more.

[Andrew Semless]

They're eight and four, so I mean, you know, they, they can lose maybe a Couple, but I mean, it's a really close race. The Chargers, 8 and 4.

[Jake the Snake]

No, we're talking about Chiefs.

[Andrew Semless]

Oh, the Chiefs. Yeah. Well, the Chiefs play Houston, so they really. Yeah, the Chiefs pretty much need to win out.

[Paul Virzi]

No, if the Chiefs lose another one, they. They're probably not going to make the playoffs.

[Andrew Semless]

They'll be six and seven.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Andrew Semless]

And Houston is another team in the wild card kind of race. And the Chiefs.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, they've been coming on.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah. Chiefs have already lost to Jacksonville and Buffalo, who are in the wild card, too, and the Chargers, so they really need to beat somebody for a time.

[Jake the Snake]

They've lost to the Broncos. That's another thing, too. They've a lot of division losses.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Jake the Snake]

I. Who would have ever thought? Who would have ever thought.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I'll tell you what, man. I know Jake doesn't want to hear this, but I've seen enough to, like, where I watched the Bronco game from beginning to end. The Broncos, in my opinion, are really good team. I think their defense is really good. I think they're for real. And they're. They're wide receivers, too. You know, he's got a lot of people. Sutton and stuff. So I think the Broncos are going to be a tough out, man.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

Who do you guys know?

[Jake the Snake]

Great coach.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, look, the. The only. The only thing you could say about the Patriots. The only thing is, is there is the schedule strength, but you got to beat who's in front of you. So I don't buy that 100%. I never bought people. Oh, look, they beat the fog. They beat this lapit. They beat them. And they have the special teams. They have a coach.

[Jake the Snake]

Here's another thing, Paul. They said we had an easy schedule in September before anybody even knew what the year was going to be like. It's the New York City sports bias. The level that you guys fucking run the shit and just amp up. Knick fans screaming and yelling like the Knicks are going to win it. And then anything the Patriots do is like there wasn't enough air and it was fucking this and that. It's like, we're a solid team.

[Paul Virzi]

No, you're better. I would say you're better than solid.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm not impressed that we, you know, beat the Giants the way we did. You have an interim coach and you have a young quarterback who doesn't throw the fucking ball away. I don't know why, like, that kid is. He's, like, trying to do this macho stuff, so he still needs to learn that, I guess. But like, you know, I, you know, definitely we played the jets, we've got the Dolphins and stuff like that. But, you know, we beat the Bills before the Bills knew that they sucked.

[Andrew Semless]

Here's the test.

[Paul Virzi]

And real quick though, going back to what Bill said, it's a really good point because it's like you can't say strength to schedule when nobody knew the Colts were going to be this good. Nobody knew, Dan. Nobody knew the Colts were going to be a hard out. And, and, and not to mention Drake Mays numbers, if what I saw is right. I was talking to my son about this. Drake May may have the best numbers of any quarterback in the NFL right now, which is insane. Like, the guy's like an MVP candidate and you have a coach that, that, that, you know, has experience.

[Jake the Snake]

So I, I was shooting ourselves in the foot. We were fumbling two, three, four fucking times a game.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

And it ended.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. Ended like that team is tight. As for what, what Bravel, who I think is coach of the year, they've getting out of that team.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

They bought into the disciplined way that they're playing in the belief system that they have.

You know, I like what Drake May said were, you know, they were saying, do you think feel like you're, you're, you know, carrying on the tradition of what Brady and Belichick did, or is this a new era? He goes a little bit of both. You know, they obviously want to do what they do, but this is a new group of people. And I just like, I'm like, this team has like an identity, so I don't think that they're as wild as their record, but I definitely think that they're better than, you know, Phil Mushnick is going to give him credit for being.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, you guys got the Bills and Ravens after the bye week. So we're going to, I think we're going to learn a lot about the Patriots in those two games because those are going to be two tough top games.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

So I think we're going to learn a lot there.

[Bill Burr]

Who in the who in the playoffs, like, what are the top three teams that like the Patriots might not be able to handle? Like, I'm looking.

[Paul Virzi]

I think the Broncos are going to be their toughest thing.

[Bill Burr]

I agree. I've been on the Broncos most of the year, too.

[Andrew Semless]

I think I still think Buffalo is going to be a tough out in the playoffs. It's still Josh Allen.

[Jake the Snake]

I agree. But I agree with that. I'll tell you, if the Steelers make it, you know that Aaron Rodgers factor. Dude, they could upset somebody. I'm just saying. I'm just saying that guy is a. He's a winner.

He's got enough in the tank.

[Andrew Semless]

If the Chiefs make it. They're always a tough out. And the way Houston's playing, I don't think anyone wants to play that.

[Paul Virzi]

Houston's got the best defense in elite. Look, my pick was Buffalo, so I got to stick with Buffalo. But I could see Broncos, Texans and now Patriots.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, you don't have to stick with Buffalo. You said that fucking months ago. You don't have to stick with that. Like you can pick now. You just. I feel like you lean in.

[Andrew Semless]

Broncos, Patriots have a real chance to get the one seed, which will be huge. I mean, that would be.

[Bill Burr]

I think at this point they're probably.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, well, Denver's right there.

[Jake the Snake]

Right, right. One game.

[Bill Burr]

I'm. But yeah, I think.

[Paul Virzi]

Here's the deal. Are the Kansas City Chiefs going to run the table and really, like, show up or are they done? That's pretty. Going to be interesting.

[Jake the Snake]

They're going to make the playoffs and then they're going to. They're going to do some things or whatever, like, as they always do. And yeah, you know, I think that like, they have the ability, even on like a drive that shouldn't score, you know, they just have the ability to do those, those stupid weird passes or Mahomes runs, you know, with the football. And like they, they always seem to figure it out, you know, whoever that running back is, Pacheco or whatever. I mean, they, they got enough. And then Travis Kelce, dude, the fucking guy runs the route like nobody in the league, like everybody knows he's going. Not only is the guy open, he's fucking wide open.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

So whatever he's doing to whoever's covering him, I mean, it's. It's insane. Like the amount of times, you know, because they got the camera on Patrick Mahomes, they throw it to Travis Kelce, you go, how the fuck is he that open? Yeah, it's the routes that he's running that, you know, the Chiefs play the.

[Andrew Semless]

Houston Texans and Chargers back to back. If they win both those games, I think their chances making the playoffs are very good because they'd be eight and six.

[Jake the Snake]

All right. Okay.

[Paul Virzi]

I know the crazy story in the NFL right now is that the Miami Dolphins are not mathematically out of it and they've won three of their last four or whatever and they kind of turned it around. So, like, if they win the next two, they're like Imagine they snuck in, dude, because, look, dude, they had a coach ready to be fired. Like, they were like, is he going to make the plane? And now they're fucking playing for him. So it's pretty interesting.

[Andrew Semless]

I'll tell you an even crazier one. The Bengals aren't mathematically limited either, at 4 and 8. If they beat Buffalo somehow this week, then, you know, they're not that far out from even the division. You know, with Joe Burrow and that offense. That's a team no one wants to play either.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

And it might be good games this week. There's some really good games. Yeah, that Texans, Chiefs game. Just because of where the Chiefs are at, man, that's going to be a fun one to watch. And. And I just think. Speaking of that, I think the greatness of Mahomes, I think he's going to get him over on that one.

[Bill Burr]

We haven't mentioned the Colts. You think the Colts, I mean, obviously they started hot. They've kind of cooled down a bit.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, not if the. Not if the quarterback's playing with a broken fucking leg, dude.

[Andrew Semless]

I mean, I'm just talking about, you.

[Jake the Snake]

Know, Paul, I think you're onto something there.

I can't believe he's playing this week. Forget about the playoffs. How long does it take for that to heal? And I don't know any doctor that says, yeah, you broke your leg. What should I do this week? Play some professional football?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

I have a college football question real quick. So I'm sure you guys saw the Lane Kiffin news. Do you have any opinions on that?

[Jake the Snake]

I saw that. Is he going somewhere else?

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, he's officially going to LSU.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, he basically left. They gave. LSU gave him 100 million, and he, like, left the team.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Paul Virzi]

And, like, fans went to the airport and just booed him. Like, on his way up the private jet. What he tried to do was he tried to, like, see if he could stay and, like, have somebody else, but legally, I guess once you accept the job, he's not able to. He's not able to coach them in the bowl game.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, yeah, but then the Ole Miss said, no, if you're going to take this job, just get out.

[Paul Virzi]

Ole Miss was like, if you're going to do this, just leave. And they literally fucking. Like, he went to a. But LSU offered him a hundred.

[Jake the Snake]

Not only does he leave, he goes into the same conference, okay, this. This guy is running out of states in the Southeast Conference that he can go to. All right? He upset Tennessee. He said, I am Here. I love this. I'm going to turn this thing around. And then USC said, hey, big boy. Right? He goes out there, anybody. He's a whore.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

The man.

[Jake the Snake]

No. Hundred million dollars. You're not a whore. What am I supposed to do? Supposed to stay in Mississippi, right?

[Andrew Semless]

It's just the timing that's so gross. You. You finally have your best season of your career. You give Ole Miss the best year in program history. You're 11 and 1. You're in the playoffs. And instead of saying, you know what? I'm gonna wait till after the season to see if I want to leave or not. And maybe that. Offers on the table. I get it, but it's like, shame on lsu.

[Jake the Snake]

That's what.

[Paul Virzi]

That's right.

[Jake the Snake]

Daymond, what are. What are you doing? Give the guy.

[Paul Virzi]

Tell the guy. Listen, you're gonna be our guy. Just fucking finish out and then.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, dude. That fucking guy, man. Every time he turns his. His rep around, dude, what he's did in Mississippi is fucking amazing. 11 and 1, they're in the playoffs.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

It's like, all right, okay. And you have. You finally have a fan base that's fucking with you. You know, he's like. He's like the bad guy in wrestling.

[Andrew Semless]

Very heel turn.

[Paul Virzi]

That's actually perfect.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, so what does he do at lsu and how does he leave? He probably, you know, at this point. You're dating a stripper. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Notre Dame's gonna offer him 150 million in three years.

[Andrew Semless]

They're saying in, like three or four years, he'll go to the Miami Dolphins or something.

[Jake the Snake]

He's gonna sneak to the airport. Paul dressed like a leprechaun to go up to South Bend. Little hat.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, Scottish hat. Here's the thing.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, they gave me my pot of gold.

[Paul Virzi]

I have to say this, though. Women come into play here. And he just hear me out. And I'm not trying to be. Oh, here goes Paul talking about, but here's the deal. You tell your wife. Dude, I remember I had a manager once, and another manager wanted to work with me, and my wife was like, yeah, you're getting rid of. You're getting rid of your first manager, and you're going to work with that. Like, legitimate, legit. No offense to anybody that I worked with.

[Jake the Snake]

Let me tell you something. Get manager, low key. Your wife. Your wives are great at business.

[Paul Virzi]

Yes.

[Jake the Snake]

They spend their whole life when they're picking out a dude.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Jake the Snake]

They are like a coach.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Jake the Snake]

Can this husband earn at the pro level?

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, because they're Scanning guys from kindergarten, dude, they're scanning. They know. So by the time they know they're.

[Jake the Snake]

In the game before you even know there's a game being played.

[Paul Virzi]

So here's my scenario. Lane Kiffin starts pouring himself an orange juice and he goes, honey, I talked.

[Jake the Snake]

LSU do one of these.

[Paul Virzi]

She's like, what'd they say? I'm doing a pie baby.

He's pouring himself a glass of orange juice. He goes, yeah, I talked to lsu.

[Bill Burr]

Sweet. Oh, what'd they say?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, they want to give me 100 million. But you know what?

[Jake the Snake]

Right there, we're in the playoffs. I mean, I.

[Paul Virzi]

We're 11 and we're 11 and one, but I don't care. Get. You got three, four daughters.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not how you are. This is what they do. They pout first. Baton Rouge.

I always heard that was really nice.

[Paul Virzi]

The houses are.

[Jake the Snake]

No, I don't. I'm not saying I don't like Mississippi.

[Bill Burr]

I'm.

[Jake the Snake]

We could like. Look.

They. They do that first.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, have you seen the homes there? Oh, my God, it's so charming.

[Bill Burr]

School systems. The school systems.

[Paul Virzi]

I. I don't know. I heard through a friend that Drew Brees's wife loved it.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah. This is what they do. They, they.

[Jake the Snake]

They go with school system. Like, they act like they're thinking about the kids.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, no, dude, they're already thinking Birkin bags and gator shoes.

[Paul Virzi]

She's thinking, now she's got a private jet and Lane's got one.

[Bill Burr]

They each got one.

[Jake the Snake]

Yes, exactly.

[Bill Burr]

Together.

[Jake the Snake]

She's closer to Miami.

[Paul Virzi]

It's a two car garage for privates. All right, you want to hear the.

[Andrew Semless]

Funniest thing Lane Kiffin said before we move on? He said you didn't know the money. Yeah, he said, I don't. I don't even want to know the contract.

[Paul Virzi]

Mad Dog had a rant. I just scrolled Mad Dog from Mike in the middle. He goes, what are you talking about?

[Bill Burr]

You don't have money?

[Paul Virzi]

Because Glenn Kiffin is in a suit, LSU pin, purple tie. Already. Already happened. I didn't even know the money. I don't know the money. I told him I didn't want to know the money until. Dude, Mad Dog's going get another money.

[Bill Burr]

You know Stephen A. Smith. Look at him.

[Paul Virzi]

Stephen A. Smith is crying, laughing. He goes. He knows every nickel he's getting from the.

[Bill Burr]

Look.

[Jake the Snake]

You don't leave an 11:1 program not knowing what you're. Paul, you go into Violet fucking Granola bar. You don't know the money. $100 million on the table. You fucking know it.

[Paul Virzi]

He probably didn't look literally in. His agent goes, It's 100 million. And he fucking plays that game. Fuck off.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, that's his agent problem. Because his agent is going to get 10% of that, right?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Depending. He could have a deal worked out with them. That could be like a flat fee. But his agent was. He probably just sat down across from. You know, like when. When Robert, Kenny and JFK were facing each other. You know that famous black and white photo during the Cuban Missile Crisis. He's just going lame. I know you said you didn't want.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

To do this, but can you be.

[Jake the Snake]

The bad guy one more time?

[Bill Burr]

And then he just going like, you got.

[Jake the Snake]

What's the number? Don't tell. No, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Whisper it, Whisper it.

[Paul Virzi]

More than 80? More than 90? More than 90.

[Jake the Snake]

He's like.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, look, I. Listen. It is what it is, Lane.

[Bill Burr]

It's Mississippi.

[Jake the Snake]

You're never coming here again.

[Andrew Semless]

And then meanwhile, Lane's all like, these players in the transfer portal, it's bad for the sport. And he's like, how much was that contract again?

[Bill Burr]

How about.

[Paul Virzi]

The reporter called him a hoe. The reporter called him a hoe. Walking in, and he just stopped and turned around. He walked with him, and he just goes in. The reporter goes, yeah. And he goes, yeah. How about you call me a hoe in there? We see how it goes. Then he just turned around and walked away.

Turned into a wrestling heel. Is the perfect Bill. It's perfect.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, here's the thing. You guys are all judging him and all of that type of stuff. The day you walk away from $100 million to be in fucking Baton Rouge, in Death Valley, to coach the LSU Tigers, the day you can fucking walk, the day that offer comes in and you walk away from it, then you know. Listen, Paul, I gotta be honest with you. I'm starting to like Lane Kiffin.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Paul Virzi]

I walked away.

[Jake the Snake]

He's good for the fucking sport. And it's like, the best thing is if he doesn't come to your program just to know that he's gonna break the hearts. He's gonna break hearts, Paul. He's a heartbreaker.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah. Nah, look, Lane Kiffin is every. Every Lane Kiffin has got a little sneaky peting him. A little?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah, dude, Sticky Pete doesn't. Stinky Pete doesn't leave messes like this guy.

80S action hero.

[Paul Virzi]

Even Bill Even Sticky Pete was impressed.

He did what?

Showing his gum?

[Jake the Snake]

You know, I. I had the chance to do that. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do. I was scared. I was scared.

[Paul Virzi]

That's why this podcast is the best sports podcast in the world. And I don't think people understand, like, Lane Kiffin's position, taking a hundred million dollars at his age right now. What is Lane Kiffin. What is Lane Kiffin? 55 years old, right?

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Jake the Snake]

He's the Christian Leitner of coaches. I. I watched that 30 for 30 on Christian Leighton. I do. That's one of my favorite ones. I love that guy. I love that guy's whole vibe. I love that he loved people not liking him, but then there was a part of him being like, you know, sometimes it went a little far or whatever. Like, what? Really, really?

[Paul Virzi]

One of the.

[Jake the Snake]

One of the great villains.

[Paul Virzi]

It takes a lot to do. It takes a lot to accept that. It takes a lot to accept. Like, everywhere I go, people are gonna kind. A lot of these people are gonna not like me. Takes a lot.

[Andrew Semless]

What's funny about Lane Kiffin is he hasn't really won anything yet. He's. This will be the first time he's made the playoff, and everyone's like, oh, well, here's $100 million. I mean, clearly he's doing the programs, right?

[Paul Virzi]

He really could. He really could be a coach that gets you there, but not over the.

[Jake the Snake]

Listen, well, what he did in Mississippi, I feel now that we're, you know, sort of, like, laughing about Lane Kiffin. I really feel bad for the fans of Mississippi and all that. Like, you know, the program that the guy built out there, they deserved. You know, Alabama's been stealing, you know, the spotlight for so long, and then Georgia comes along. LSU's won a couple there. You know, it's been.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

I don't.

[Jake the Snake]

When's the last time fucking Mississippi?

[Andrew Semless]

Never.

[Jake the Snake]

They never won one. Yeah. So it's like, I understand. You know, that's the kind of shit used to happen to the Patriots. All that's a Chuck Fairbanks mood. We were on our way to the playoffs. In the middle of it, he took a job at the University of Colorado.

[Paul Virzi]

I just don't understand why LSU didn't let him wait, like, do it the right way, finish this year out, and then be like, I had a great time here. I'm taking this opportunity to, like, just get on a plane. Now, wait a minute, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

You don't understand that college sports is filthy.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, no, I don't I understand it's filthy. I don't understand why LSU couldn't wait a month, wait until the holidays were like, what's the difference?

[Jake the Snake]

Because they don't care, Paul. They have what they want, their boosters have what they want. Dude, once you got a bunch of white guys and loafers with no socks and blue blazers on, you have no idea what, what they're capable of. They, they don't give a shit. These are the people that will poison your food supply, pollute the fucking water. False flag wars. You don't think they're gonna take a coach from Mississippi to fucking lsu? Where do they get that money, Paul?

[Paul Virzi]

See, that's why Italians are a little. That's why Italians are smarter than everybody when it comes to that shit. Because Italians talk low and go, dude, we're gonna get them. Don't listen. We're gonna get them. We're gonna get them. I know, I talked to the guy. We just gotta wait. That's what Italians do. These fucking greedy assholes.

[Bill Burr]

You gotta get them now.

[Paul Virzi]

You gotta get them now.

[Bill Burr]

No, you don't.

[Paul Virzi]

You're going to get them.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, because you got Paul. Let's, let's, let's go easy. You know, they also went up to B.C. and ruined those kids lives. So come on, let's, let's not act like you guys are saints.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, we're not.

[Jake the Snake]

Listen, Paul, I would, I would never fuck with your cuisine.

[Paul Virzi]

No, listen.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay, but like I'm stopping short of like. See, that's why Italians, when we do our stuff.

It'S a little better.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, they're corrupt. They just organized. Corrupt.

I never said they, I just say they have to, they know how to do it.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, Paul. Fair enough. Let'. Let's get into the NFL picks here, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

We got some picks to make now. We are going into week 14, so that's an even number, which means it is my pick. And right off the bat, the first game that I liked. Hey, what do I got to lose? I need to have. I, I, I'm Aaron rodgers at the 50. 50 yard line. Hail Mary for this season. But the first game I looked at and the first game I saw is tonight. The Lions cannot lose two in a row at home. They're coming off a terrible loss on Thanksgiving. It's a three point game and the Cowboys are playing good. But the Cowboys also haven't played that great a team. And I think that the Lions are going to play with the lid if that fucking guy could take the points to coach. But I'M going to take the Lions minus three at home tonight.

[Andrew Semless]

Real quick. That's almost a de facto elimination game with those two teams records and they're both not going to win their divisions more than likely. So big game.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, first game. I like, I like the Falcons at home getting seven against the Seahawks. I think they're a tough team. I know the Seahawks are really good and everything. I think the Seahawks win, but I don't think that they cover. I like that, that, that was that receiver they got, London or something like that. Yeah, yeah, that guy, that guy, you know, he was killing the Patriots. Killing the Patriots East. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to take the Falcons at home, getting seven points.

[Bill Burr]

Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Jesus Christ. I got my feet up, got my feet up in the first quarter. Well, what are they doing?

[Paul Virzi]

I. Oh, dude, you're right there. Bill, you're one game back.

Sam Rothstein, no one. You have a two game tie.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Oh, okay.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul, I've had my heart broken too.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

Many times to get excited.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, listen, with four or five weeks left, you already had a good year.

[Jake the Snake]

So I can't think like that, Paul, you know what I mean? I just, you know, I have a job to do. I just try to get it done.

[Paul Virzi]

You know, I'm the Chiefs right now. I had my dynasty. Right now I'm just trying to see if I could get in the dynasty.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's stop saying that. A dynasty you have to win three in a row. But three years, the trophy was in your city and there wasn't a fucking thing anybody could do about it. You don't get to win one. Lose, lose, lose, lose, win, win. Yeah, fuck out of like three other teams. Four of the cities have a fucking championship parade during your dynasty. No, I have, I would say this, Paul. It was the most giving dynasty I've ever seen. How about that? It was very generous.

[Paul Virzi]

I have a dynasty.

I'm in my dynasty, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm. I.

[Paul Virzi]

Once again, Paul, four in a row.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm sorry.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars getting one and a half at home. The starting quarterback of the other team has a broken leg. I don't care if it's a hairline. The guy has a hairline flat fracture in his fibula and he's starting in the game. And Jacksonville is home. And Jacksonville is kind of flying right now. So it's kind of a pick them. I think that the line is a little low because of the Colts. Maybe they think the Colts are better than they are. I think the Colts are. I don't know. I like the Jags, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

I gotta say, a Knicks fan voting against. Betting against a guy with a broken leg really surprised me.

I know I'm jumping sports here, but, you know, that's one of the great moments in Nick's history.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. But what people don't realize is he limped back on and I think he only had two points.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. One bucket.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Jesus.

[Paul Virzi]

Jake.

[Jake the Snake]

Jake, they're calling you early this week.

Honey, honey, it's not the weekend yet. I'm working. I'm working. All right. My next pick. I like the Pittsburgh Steelers getting six points going into. Wait, why do they. They both say +6. I got to feel like the Ravens are laying.

[Andrew Semless]

The Ravens are favorite.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the Pittsburgh Steelers. Aaron Rodgers come in. Their division rivalry. They know each other then. It's fat enough points for me this time of year. Everybody's got. Everybody's banged up and whatnot. And.

I don't know, I feel like the Ravens win the game and they just. They just haven't, like a lot of teams this year. They just haven't been able to put together.

Like a. Like a nice streak here. So let's. I'm gonna go with the Steelers.

[Andrew Semless]

It always seems like those two teams play close, close games.

[Jake the Snake]

Just black and blue division, brother. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Big time volley's deep in thought.

[Paul Virzi]

All right.

Yeah. I mean, dude, this Bill Spangles game is a weird one. The line is.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, that's a Thursday night spread. Five and a half. You don't see that on Sunday a lot. I feel.

[Paul Virzi]

So far I got one dog and I got one favorite.

You know what I'm gonna take? I'm gonna take the Miami Dolphins, dude. I'm gonna take the Miami Dolphins a three point favorite against the Jets. I know the jets won last week, but they got Tyrod Taylor and I think Miami is kind of fighting for their coach to stay around and they kind of figured something out. I kind of like that bet, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

That's kind of like a gift. I feel that you don't like. No, I love it. I love that pick. I love that pick. I feel like, you know, the jets won their third game. I don't think they're going to win back to back fucking games. And I think jets fans are going to come in this week because they had the win last week. I think jets fans are going to be a little excited that they're going to win. And Paul, what happens every time Jet fans get excited, the rug gets Ripped out from underneath them.

[Bill Burr]

Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

God damn it, I like that pick. I wish you didn't take it because I wanted to take that game. So off I go into the rest of the fucking thing here.

Bears, Packers. Six and a half. I know. The packers had a big win. So did the Bears. Division rivalry may take all, take all dogs this week. I'm going to take the Bears. I don't give a fuck. I mean, it gives me an excuse to watch that. One of the oldest rivalries, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I was gonna take them. They're, they're, they are a very good football team. What's their record? Eight and three.

[Andrew Semless]

Number one seed in the nfc. Because the Rams lost.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. I'm not saying they're gonna win the game. I'm just, you know, I, I, all of these games, I just feel like I, I like the points that I'm getting.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay. And for my fourth and final pick, the game that's going to make me go four. No, this week, because that's what I'm going to do.

[Jake the Snake]

Of course you are. Paul manifested.

[Paul Virzi]

I am going to take The Cleveland Browns -4 at home against the hapless, terrible Tennessee Titans. Shador Sanders is going to maybe find his way. They're at home. They're going to be excited. I don't love that it's four. I wish it was three. But I think that, I mean, Tennessee has been a really, really bad team. Probably worst team in the league. And I think that the Browns should beat him by seven or ten. So those are my four picks.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, Paul, you know what I mean? You know, as much as you've been having a tough year, everything you say makes sense. It's just this year has made no sense. I love that pick. I love that pick.

All right, so I'm staying away from both Monday night games. I hate the spreads of both of those.

[Andrew Semless]

There's only one, but yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, okay. So I'm staying away from the Sunday night game and I'm staying away from the Monday night game.

[Bill Burr]

What was your fourth pick, Bill? I got you. Steelers, Falcons, Bears.

[Jake the Snake]

This right here is, is my fourth pick. And I'm just talking because I don't see anything that's really sticking out at me. I keep going back to that Bengals Bills game.

The Bills have just been struggling.

Are they just going to break out and do what everybody thought they were going to do or is Joe. Fuck that. Joe Burrow's a cigar smoking man. He's back. He's missed the game. I feel like this is another one where my team might not win the game. I'm taking all dogs this week, Paul. I'm a dog guy. I respect cats, but I like dogs. I'm taking Joe Burrow and the Bengals getting five and a half. And I'm also inviting Joe Burrow to smoke a cigar with me and Paul Verze anytime he wants. We smoke the best stuff out there. Somebody just gave me some real cubics, so if we're ever in that. Paul forever in Cincinnati smoking a stick with Burrow.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean, I mean, I love that kid.

[Jake the Snake]

Gotta love it. All right.

[Paul Virzi]

I love that kid.

[Jake the Snake]

I love that we think he has the time to smoke with us, Paul. That's how good we're feeling this week about our picks. We just invited an NFL quarterback. What if you show up and he.

[Bill Burr]

Like smokes the cigar tower like he ashes it? He. He does everything wrong.

[Jake the Snake]

He's a terrible conversation because I've seen him.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Joe. Joe Burrows. An old soul. I think he's great.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

I love him. All right. Well.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, Paulie.

[Paul Virzi]

Those are our. Those are our four picks each. And now it is time for the Monday night Special which is Eagles Chargers. Bill, you know what time it is?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, let that Monday next best show win some money for you. We haven't won since the first two weeks, so this is what we're gonna do. Win some money for you. Come on, we got it. We gotta do something. We keep, we keep hitting like two out of three on our things. We've been there. But these, these, you know, you gotta admit, Bet mgm. They're in business to make money. And God damn it, they've been kicking our ass here. We're 2 and 11, Paul. We're on the hot seat here. Let's say we get a win. Eagles charges. Paul, you got a guy with the fractured non throwing hand.

The Eagles, they keep tripping over their shoelaces this year.

They're in Los Angeles. There's a lot of hot out there. They're leaving Philly, you know, I mean, you know, there's a lot of good looking women in Philly too. Let's not, let's not. Let's not like it. Okay? A little more attitude.

[Paul Virzi]

It's not LA though, huh? It's not la.

[Jake the Snake]

Is like the Lakers.

All that sits from somewhere else.

They got free agent posting out here, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean, Jake, this is your team here. What are we doing? Is this hand a problem or what's going on?

[Andrew Semless]

It could definitely be a problem. I. The, the big worry I have is the offensive line going against the Eagles defensive line, that's the key matchup to watch Bill Herbert have time to throw. That's going to be the big question.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, why don't you answer the question there, Jake? How do you, how do you feel about your offensive line?

[Paul Virzi]

Jake likes the Eagles.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, I don't know. The Eagles offense has not been good, but I mean, they'll probably do something against us.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Andrew Semless]

I don't know. It's a tough call. I think our O line is very bad and their D line is very good. So that's my, my worry going into this game. I'll say.

[Paul Virzi]

So, Jake, if you hated the Chargers, you would not. If you didn't like the Chargers, you would not like them in this game.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Andrew Semless]

That's true. I'd probably be like, oh, Herbert has a broken hand. They're all lines.

[Paul Virzi]

That's why Jake is what he does. He's honest. He's not biased. He's telling you the truth. He knows.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

This is what I don't like, Paul. If the charges have a bad offensive line and their quarterback has a broken non throwing hand and the Eagles have a good defensive line and then the number's only three, I feel like they want us to jump on that pole.

[Andrew Semless]

That's what I'm thinking too.

[Jake the Snake]

Get on that hook.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah, I think all of America is going to be picking like what I just said. They're going to be all over the.

[Jake the Snake]

Eagles every once in a while, Paul, you got to walk away from the group, you know, you got to be a maverick.

[Paul Virzi]

The Eagles are struggling.

[Andrew Semless]

That's. That's very true. Their offenses look really weird.

[Jake the Snake]

Vegas making their money here, Paul, everyone's taking the Eagles.

[Andrew Semless]

It's true.

[Paul Virzi]

Follow the money.

Let's go.

[Bill Burr]

Let's go.

[Paul Virzi]

Herbert and the charges, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Let's go.

[Jake the Snake]

Herbert and the charges. You want to go Moneyline? You want to just.

[Andrew Semless]

I would personally take the three.

[Paul Virzi]

I think we should take the three points.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, I am an idiot. Let's go Moneyline. Rather than taking three points.

I hope that didn't go by any of our listeners. I'm sure you didn't. 90% of the money line is on Philly.

[Andrew Semless]

Okay. Yeah, I was curious.

[Jake the Snake]

Money lines 90, the two and a half. 66%.

[Bill Burr]

Over, under.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, everyone's gonna be on the under, whatever that is.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what?

[Jake the Snake]

This game you actually bet, the Chargers take the points and money line.

Take. It's on the over 75% of the money.

[Paul Virzi]

I bet you Herbert has A good game. Dude, I bet you Herbert has a good game. If they're throwing him out there, you know, he's a. He is a dog and he can make any throw on the field. Let's do Chargers with the three. Herbert to throw one and, and then.

[Jake the Snake]

And then something magical, man. We need four people working on this part. We got to hit one of this. We got to do we part. We got to do it for the people.

[Paul Virzi]

And a field goal over 50.

[Andrew Semless]

That's very possible with the Chargers. Have a great kicker.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Jake the Snake]

Andrew doesn't like it. He's got a win one.

[Bill Burr]

Came out with the speech, we gotta win one. I. I think there's bad. I take an interception. I would take each guy to take an interception over if don't over picking.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know.

[Andrew Semless]

I don't think both guys turned it over that well. Herbert has turned over a little bit.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, Herbert at least.

[Andrew Semless]

Herbert.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

Hertz doesn't really turn it over that much.

[Jake the Snake]

No, he doesn't.

[Andrew Semless]

I don't. I don't like that one as much.

[Paul Virzi]

But Keenan Allen today. Keenan Allen to catch one.

[Andrew Semless]

I would look at the Chargers running back. If we're taking a Chargers player, I mean there's a lot of people on the Eagles we could take as well to score.

[Paul Virzi]

Saquon, right?

[Andrew Semless]

We got Saquon. They got hurts.

[Billy Mango Tits (Bill Burr's alter ego or guest)]

A.J.

[Andrew Semless]

Brown'S great. I would look at either Hampton or McConkey.

[Jake the Snake]

I go, A.J. brown, Paul. I just feel like Saquon's the obvious. Let's just go against the grain.

[Andrew Semless]

I like that.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

A.J.

[Paul Virzi]

Brown, Justin Herbert and Chargers.

[Jake the Snake]

There it is.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm into it.

[Jake the Snake]

There it is, guys.

[Paul Virzi]

Don't. Don't forget, guys, if you want to play with us, have a good time. All you got to do is go to your device and download the BetMGM app and use our code. It's burr. Very simple. B U R R. And you put in as little as $10 for your first bet. And after that bet is settled, if you lose that bet, you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets to play. As we always say, bet responsibly. And we have the first touchdown promo bet, which is a fun one. You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown of the game and you win. If they don't. But in fact get the second touchdown, you get your back. It's very simple. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. It's been a weird year. Oh, does anybody know that but me.

But anyway, there you go. This is week 14. Enjoy. And, yeah, go to PaulVirzi.com, see me on the road. Go to Bill's thing. See him on the road. Go see Jake on, you know, Rodeo Drive with his honeys around them. And, uh, you know, the Greek freak, he's doing his thing.

[Jake the Snake]

We will see you guys next week. All right, guys. Thank you.

[Andrew Semless]

Take care.

[Bill Burr]

Great.

Sam.