Bill Burr (62:38)
Dollar Shave Club, dude. I remember there was another girl I had a crush on. There was these two twins when I was in first grade, and I had a crush on one of them. And the other one had this giant pen, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. Even though it was pink, it was just a giant pen, which was amazing in the early 70s. Like, there was no fucking computers and shit. I guess there were, but computers were gigantic. So she dropped it on the floor, and she didn't realize it, and I took it. And then I started writing with it. What's funny was the way they had the desk set up. They had, like, us in, like, little groups of four, and we faced each other, and she was diagonal to me, and I'm writing with this giant pink pen. And she's going, that's my pen. And I was like, no, it isn't. It's mine. So she's like an idiot. Then she tells the teacher, and then she's going, billy, is that your pen? And I was like, yes. And then the girl's going, no, it was my pen. And I was going, no, it isn't. It's my pen. And then she. The teacher's just like, I don't think Your mom would buy you a pink pen, and she took it and gave it back to the girl. And, you know, as a little kid, like, the embarrassment of that goes away. Like, eight seconds later, you can't even remember. Like, you know, you don't have, like, the mental capacity. Like, did I just really try to pull that off? You know, why the fuck would I do that, right? So then I remember I went out, asked, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I went out to the bathroom, and her twin sister, the one I had the crush on. Oh, this is like. The next day, I went out to go to the bathroom, and her twin sister, who I had a crush on, came walking out at the same time. And immediately, when she saw me, she immediately put her eyebrows down. She goes, I heard what you did. I heard you try to steal my sister's pen. And I just looked at her. I think I said, no, I didn't. And I just walked away. 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I find it hard to imagine that la, there are a lot less cunts in the audience that get offended too easily. You then agreed with Jim that maybe it's because you now live there and are used to it, but the way you said it didn't seem believable. So what's the deal? All right, like, there wasn't one capital letter, no punctuation whatsoever. A couple of periods maybe. I'm not required to tell you why I fucking moved out here, but I will to eat up some time. I was living in New York. I was just sick of being there. It just, it just gets a point where, you know, you get to be told too old and you're like, I can't live like an animal anymore. Which means you're either going to move outside the city or in my business, you're going to go to la. And I had nothing going on in my career other than the Opie and Anthony show. But the writing was on the wall with that show where, you know those guys, like, they had a bunch of comics on and I was one of them. Jim Norton got us all in and, you know, there was no money in the budget to pay us, but the way that they paid us, Opie and Anthony show, because they the salt of the fucking earth. They used to run advertisements of our gigs and then our gigs would sell out and it was great. But then the corporate cunts there said that they couldn't do it anymore, you know, so then you kind of had to hype your show during the show, which would get in the way of, you know, whatever craziness was going on. So that's kind of where my career was at. I was on a radio show and I wasn't getting paid, I wasn't getting any acting work. And the only way I was getting paid on the Opie and Anthony show, they no longer let them do.
