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Gifting Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-25

Monday Morning Podcast

Thu Apr 17 2025

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary

Episode: Gifting Horses, Work Hours, Smart Kids
Host/Author: All Things Comedy (featuring Bill Burr and Nia Renée Hill)
Release Date: April 17, 2025

1. Introduction and Initial Rants

The episode kicks off with Bill Burr expressing his frustration over everyday inconveniences and societal observations. He shares his irritation with modern terminology that masks actual issues with superficial compliments.

Quote:
“You know, this song needs an 'ow.' It’s gonna go to the next level so people know that you’re rocking, that you’re not around, man.”
[00:30] Bill Burr

2. Observations on Animal Behavior

Bill delves into the behaviors of reptiles and lions, expressing surprise at their apparent empathy and social structures. He recounts a video where a lizard tried to save a friend from a snake, challenging his previous beliefs about reptilian emotions.

Quote:
“They were chopping out his friend while trying to bite his other friend. You have to give it up to the snake, man.”
[02:47] Bill Burr

3. Commentary on Wealth and Social Status

The discussion shifts to perceptions of wealth based on possessions like boats and cars. Bill humorously critiques the societal tendency to equate material ownership with richness, using Elvis Presley’s entourage as an example of misplaced generosity.

Quote:
“Elvis bought himself a horse and made everyone in his entourage buy a pickup truck to put their saddle in.”
[04:10] Bill Burr

4. Parenting and Childhood Insights

Bill shares a heartfelt moment about his daughter outsmarting him by figuring out the Tooth Fairy, highlighting the rapid intelligence growth in children. He emphasizes the exhaustion parents feel as their kids grow older and become more independent.

Quote:
“My daughter totally figured out the Tooth Fairy. She just comes in and knows without having to ask.”
[24:09] Bill Burr

5. Sports Commentary: MotoGP Race in Qatar

Bill provides an enthusiastic review of the MotoGP race in Qatar, praising it as the most exciting race of the year despite familiar outcomes. He details a frightening accident involving Jorge Martin and Fabio de Giantonio, stressing the increasing safety measures in the sport compared to the past.

Quote:
“It was like a workday. They were still smoking weed after the race. It’s amazing how fast they go and how pedestrian the injuries are compared to back in the day.”
[14:36] Bill Burr

6. Reflections on Modern Technology and Social Media

Transitioning to technology, Bill vents about his struggles with Apple products and the impersonal nature of customer support. He critiques the convergence of devices and the over-reliance on technology, expressing a desire to return to simpler times.

Quote:
“Everything is just gang bangin’. This big technological Caligula fisting everything... it's ridiculous.”
[35:08] Bill Burr

7. Personal Anecdotes: Cooking Dumplings

Bill humorously narrates his failed attempt at making dumplings, detailing the challenges of sourcing ingredients and mastering the technique. His wife, Nia Renée Hill, provides candid feedback, adding to the comedic relief.

Quote:
“Making the filling was easy, but the dough was a disaster. They looked like a strong 6 out of 10.”
[70:18] Bill Burr

8. Audience Interaction and Advice Segment

The episode includes a live read section where Bill offers unsolicited advice to listeners’ personal dilemmas, ranging from relationship issues to self-esteem concerns. His blunt and humorous approach provides both comedy and surprisingly pragmatic solutions.

Quote:
“If you need alone time, you’ve got to tell her. Otherwise, you’re poisoning the relationship.”
[71:23] Bill Burr

9. Critique of Media and Society

Bill criticizes the sensationalism in media, particularly focusing on how stories can be manipulated to evoke specific emotional responses from the public. He expresses skepticism towards popular narratives and emphasizes the importance of critical thinking.

Quote:
“They show images to make us fucking upset about stuff. Seems very easy to defeat terrorism to me.”
[89:59] Bill Burr

Key Takeaways

Empathy in Nature: Unexpected displays of empathy and social behavior in animals challenge common perceptions.
Perception of Wealth: Societal status is often erroneously linked to material possessions rather than true financial stability.
Parenting Exhaustion: The transition as children grow older comes with both pride and fatigue, emphasizing the need to cherish fleeting moments.
Sports Evolution: Increased safety in sports like MotoGP has improved athlete well-being compared to historical data.
Technology Frustrations: Over-dependence on integrated technology can lead to user frustration and a longing for simpler times.
Personal Growth Through Challenges: Attempting new endeavors, even when they fail, fosters personal growth and resilience.
Media Skepticism: Critical evaluation of media narratives is essential to avoid being manipulated by sensationalism.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

On Rock Music Production:
“Don’t say ow like you’re hurt. Say ow like something’s gonna happen.”
[00:30] Bill Burr
On Reptile Emotions:
“They didn’t think that way. I thought reptiles didn’t have feelings.”
[02:56] Bill Burr
On Parenting and Diaper Changes:
“Every like, fucking hour. You had to change a diaper or they would sleep for 20 minutes before they started screaming bloody murder.”
[08:04] Bill Burr
On MotoGP Safety:
“The motorcycle started cartwheeling down the track... nothing died, thank God.”
[17:15] Bill Burr
On Technology Overload:
“Everything, everything is just gang bangin’, right?”
[35:08] Bill Burr
On Failed Cooking Attempts:
“They were ugly. On a scale of 1 to 10, they were a strong 6.”
[70:18] Bill Burr
On Relationship Advice:
“If you need alone time, you’ve got to tell her or else you’re going to poison the water.”
[71:23] Bill Burr
On Media Manipulation:
“They show images to make us fucking upset about stuff. Seems very easy to defeat terrorism to me.”
[89:59] Bill Burr

Conclusion

In this episode of the Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr combines his signature ranting style with personal anecdotes and social commentary. From animal behavior and parenting insights to critiques of modern technology and media, Bill delivers a blend of humor and thought-provoking observations. His interactions with co-host Nia Renée Hill add depth and relatability, making the episode both entertaining and reflective.

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Transcript

Bill Burr (0:01)

Hey, what's going on?

Nia Renée Hill (0:01)

It's Bill Byrne.

Bill Burr (0:02)

It's time for the Thursday Afternoon, Just Before Friday Monday Morning podcast, and I'm.

Nia Renée Hill (0:07)

Just checking it on you.

Bill Burr (0:09)

Wow.

Nia Renée Hill (0:11)

Ow. Remember that?

Bill Burr (0:13)

That was always in rock music at some point. You know, when you sang a song in the 70s and 80s, at some point you had to be like, ow, Joan J. Dan.

Nia Renée Hill (0:29)

Ow.

Bill Burr (0:30)

Burn out. I just picture all the producers back then. Like, you know, this song, it needs something. Does it need more cowbell? No, it needs an ow. And then it's gonna go to the next level so people know that you're rocking, that you're not around, man. Don't say ow like you're hurt. Say ow like something's gonna happen.

Nia Renée Hill (0:58)

Anyway.

Bill Burr (0:59)

All right, I'm in a stupid mood. I, of course, have a million things to do today. Still beautiful weather out here, but you still need, like, a jacket. Do you know what I mean?

Nia Renée Hill (1:12)

It's like.

Bill Burr (1:13)

It's, like, almost spring, but it's still winter. Oh, my God. This guy hit me with this term. What the. Was it a surprising something or other? Oh, my God. How they come up with these terms? It basically meant that you had empathy for a problem, but they had to turn it into a compliment for the person. I forget what it was. It's the usual, you know what I mean? I care. I'm such a good person because I cared. You know what I mean? You know that problem other people are having? Let's not talk about the problem, but let's focus on how much I care about it as I do absolutely nothing about it.

Nia Renée Hill (1:58)

Wow.

Bill Burr (1:58)

You have a surprising, like, interest in that without doing anything about it. You should be complimented. Let's go to Costco. Anyway, I saw a great fucking video today because I don't read, man. There was this lizard getting constricted by this snake. So one of his lizard buddies came over and was like, ah, not on my fucking watch. And he starts attacking the snake. And the snake sees him coming. He knows what he's doing. The snakes going like, this guy's showing up to save his fucking buddy. That's not happening. I need to eat right? So he's choking out his friend. You got to give it up to the snake, man. He was still choking out his friend while trying to bite his other friend. And his other. His friend just took the hits.

Bill Burr (4:10)

The male lion shows up like a dad in the 70s in his company car. Maybe he's got that Lincoln Continental that had, like, the first extra brake lights on the trunk. Remember that one? In, like, 73 or 74. My neighbor had one of those. And I was like, that guy is fucking rich. Remember that? When you were young and you thought your neighbors were rich, even though they lived in the same neighborhood like that. Just because they. I don't know, they bought something. They had a boat, you know, or they got a new car, like, dude. Or their. Their. Their lawn looked nice. They're rich. It's like, no, they're just better with money. They're making the same amount of money as your parents. They just, you know, they're not blowing it on dumb shit. Although, a boat, you have to admit. Is there anything better than when your neighbor buys a boat that's the best. You don't want to be the guy that buys the boat. You want to be the guy that knows the guy that has the boat. So then you show up, right? And you're like, dude, whatever you need. I'll bring the booze and I'll Bring the food. As long as you buy the boat, get your captain's license, pay all the fees, put it in the water, take it out of the water, get the cool scraped off it. You do all of that, all right? I'll just show up with some Millers and we're going to have a good old fucking time. You know who the best person ever to be friends with was? Fucking Elvis Presley, according to his. His relatives. I remember Priscilla Presley was saying that, you know, he wanted to ride horses, so he bought himself a horse. He bought everyone in his entourage a horse. And then everyone had to have a pickup truck to put their saddle in so they could drive over, you know, Some reason Elvis wasn't into commuting. And, yeah, he did all of that, which just showed how generous and lonely he was and how many hanger on his hanger ons he had. Because wouldn't you be like Elvis, you know, dude, the amount of fucking runoff pussy I'm getting just by standing next to you, you don't have to buy me a horse. I don't need a pickup truck for the saddle. I'll walk over, dude. I'll borrow a horse, you know? You know. Come on. What are we doing here, E? What's going on, man? I went to bed early tonight. You know, I went out like every single night. And I was getting ready because I had to do an hour, an hour like Joan Jett. You know what's funny? When my daughter was little, she wouldn't say Joan Jett the way she said her name. She said, joan Jett rocks. Because she asked me one time when I was playing I Love Rock and Roll for her on the way to school. She was asking me who it was. She said, who is this? And I said, joan Jetta. And she was like, joan Jett. I go, yeah, Joan Jett rocks. And then like for the rest of the time during that school year when she was like, you know, 4 or 5 years old, she'd be like, dad, dad, can I listen to Joan Jett rocks? Adorable. Make sure you take in all those moments. It goes by so fast. Is there anything worse than talking to a parent that has children older than you and you have to shoulder all their regret and sadness because the kids are now teenagers or they've moved out of the house? I know everybody says this, but I'm going to say it. If you know everybody says it, then shut up.

Bill Burr (11:10)

I was at the subway stop near the show and they got a coffee shop downstairs as you go into the subway station and. And I walked by this group of guys. It was like 11 in the morning and they were all standing around smoking a joint. And look at those guys, middle of the day. What do you do for a living that you can just fucking get baked at 11 in the morning at your age? That's amazing, right? And then I get on the subway, I go downtown, I do all my bullshit, and then I'm coming back up to do the show. I get off the stop and they're still fucking there, still smoking weed. It was like a work day. Like, that's one of those things, you know, as I'm getting older, like, I don't understand, like, when the fuck do people go to work? How are people working? You know, I live in L. A, there's traffic 24 7. I know a lot of people are driving around doing Uber, so that kind of adds to it. Or postmating or Amazon in our UPS in or FedExing. But I don't know, I'm old enough to remember, like the 90s. And what was amazing is being a comedian in the 90s. Like dirt during the fucking day. Like, you could get a seat on the subway, you could drive down the fucking street. Everyone, everyone was at work. Rush hour was, you know, seven to nine in five to seven. But if you were driving between those hours, forget about it. Arm out the window listening to Lionel Richie. That's why I'm easy. I'm easy. Like Sunday morning. He looks like a lion, doesn't he? I always felt that guy looked like a lion, especially when he had the fro. Like grown out a little bit when he was in the Commodores. You know what's amazing about that guy? I think he was a horn player when he Was in the Commodores. Look, how fucking ridiculously talented is that guy? And then he goes solo. He leaves a hit group as a horn player. I might be wrong on that. I think he played on trumpet or some shit. He leaves, sits down behind a piano, and then just. I think I'll bang out like fucking 50, 75 hits. You know what? As you do.

Bill Burr (14:47)

A turn, and the bike slid out from underneath him. And was it Fabio de Giantonio, the longest fucking last name ever. Like, kind of sort of ran over him with his bike, and he has a compression injury with one of his ribs. Man, it was scary because I remember the last time somebody died. I remember the same sort of thing happened where there was a group of bikes in the. The kid wiped out, and the guy ran over him and he drove over his neck. It was fucking brutal. Kid was only 24 years old, but that was before I started watching, thank God. But that's the last I heard. It's kind of. I don't want to jinx the sport, but it is amazing how fast they go and how pedestrian the injuries are compared to back in the day, like F1. All of that stuff. Like, guys used to just die on a regular basis. I will tell you the most fucked up thing that I've seen since watching MotoGP, where I can't believe nobody died, was they were going down the straightaway, and at the end of the straightaway was this hard right turn. So on the inside of the straightaway was this grassy area. And, you know, usually on that straightaway, they get up over 200 miles an hour and, you know, people go side by side. But very rarely on a straightaway is there an accident. So the leaders had already gone down the straightaway and had started to make that right turn. And in the middle of the field, these two guys had collided and they went over on the grass and this motorcycle, both. The motorcycle started cartwheeling down the track towards where those people were, like, making the right turn. And this fucking. What was left of this motorcycle. And then the engine went flying right through the riders, like, in between, like, threaded the needle between somebody else and Valentino Rossi. And if that had hit either one of them, they would have instantly been dead. And I just think it was one of those freak things. Thank God nobody died. I'm sure they did something to try to, like, I don't know what, make sure, like, something like that couldn't happen again. But I would say this is the scariest thing I've seen. He immediately got up, so it wasn't scary. But anytime you see somebody get run over by another bike, you're like, oh, my God. Obviously.

Bill Burr (20:45)

At least they're making moves. They didn't make moves for years now. I feel like they're there trying to win. But it is early. I believe in a manager. Anyway, I saw the cutest little girl on the subway. Reminded me when my daughter was that age, and she was fucking hilarious. And I'm so psyched because my. My. My kids and everybody are coming tomorrow, and I've been, like, jonesing. I miss my kids so much. I literally saw a guy walking down the street with his son on his shoulders, and I almost started crying. Oh, my God, Old Billy Softshell. What happened to me? What happened to me? Oh, by the way, my daughter totally figured out the tooth fairy. She just. I knew it was a matter of time. She'd already figured out the Easter Bunny. Like, she came in like, no, she didn't come in. We were at a mall. We were at the mall, man, and we were going down the escalator. She goes. She goes, mom, Dad, I want you to be honest with me, okay? She's like, is the Easter Bunny real? So Nia looks at me like, oh, shit. She goes, no, I want to know. Just tell me. I want to know. And, like, Nia's making this face like, I don't know. And then she looked at me, and I just shrugged my shoulders. And then she goes, no, it isn't. It's mom and dad. She goes, I knew it. I knew it. And she was like, I swear to God. She goes, thank you for being honest with me. My kids are, like, scary smart, right? Definitely did not get it from my side of the family. So my wife. My wife called me the other day. She goes, yeah, she just figured out the. The tooth fairy. And I go, well, if you figure out the East Bun, I figured tooth fairy is what you should be figuring out. The first that's the weakest and the worst. This little thing goes away with these big teeth. Why? Why does it care about it? How can that little thing carry all this change around? None of it makes sense. It makes less sense than the Easter Bunny leaving eggs. None of it. Like, what makes less sense? These fictitious holiday characters or organized religion? All of it. If you just really say it out loud, you're like, what? That doesn't. That doesn't make sense. My brain hurts, man. So she came in, and this is how she figured it out. She didn't ask. This is what I love about how smart my daughter is. She just comes in, and she knows if she asked, she's opening the door to us, still lying about it. So she just comes in. Like the cop that knows you fucking killed the person, he doesn't say, did you kill the person? He says, where is the murder weapon? What'd you do with it? Or why did you do with it? Right? And starting the questioning off with that so the person already feels caught. That's what she did to my wife. She came walking in.

Bill Burr (24:46)

The Tooth Fairy. She goes, no, they didn't. The Tooth Fairy isn't real. Where are they? Where are they? So she finally just goes, like, all right, they're in the drawer, you know, next to whatever. And then she goes, I knew it. I knew it. And then she got in my wife's face, was laughing her ass off, and. And yelled, you lied to me. Which I have to say is such a relief that she found it funny. But my wife, she. My wife, she has this cute way about her that she can do that. I just would. I mean, she came and just was. Where? Like, where are my teeth? I would have said, in your mouth. And then she would have said, no, I'm talking about the Tooth Fairy. Where are they? I just would have been like, I don't know. Your mother has them somewhere. I'm sorry. It's some stupid thing. Then I would have had the whole discussion. Just be like, I don't know why there's this pressure to lie to your kids about these things. I don't know what it is, but it's more for parents than you. You'll get it when you get older. So anyway, so that happens. So here's the deal. Easter Bunny's done, and, you know, now the Tooth Fairy, there's. I said to my wife, I'm like, there's no way we're making it to Christmas. You know, she's on to us, okay? We gotta, like. You know, if we were, like, bookies right now, that's when you put the flame to the flash paper and you run out the back door. All right, let me do the. Let me do the reads here, man. All right? Live read. 417. Brunt. Not to be confused with Crunch Brunt. Choosing work boots used to mean sacrifice, comfort, or durability. Sacrificing comfort or durability. Jesus, Bill. Yeah, if they were comfortable, they were going to disintegrate. And if they were durable, if they. Bill, we didn't have a problem with either one of those words. Yeah, you did. All right? Don't fucking turn around after you tripped over those words 15 times and then try to explain it to us like we were in the wrong. All right, you're right. All right? Brunt. Choosing work boots used to mean sacrificing comfort or durability. If they felt good, they didn't last. And if they lasted, they wrecked your feet. Oh, they were going to explain it. Brunt you. Brunt Workwear finally ended that trade off. Designing boots with that withstand the toughest job site while feeling as comfortable as your sneakers. Founder Eric Girard grew up blue collar and started Brunt after his friends in the trades encouraged him to start a workwear brand that was really built for them. You're telling me those meatheads eating a bacon, egg and cheese looked at you next to the roach crows going, you know what you should do, dude? That's why all Brunt products are named after the guys he grew up with. All right, maybe there's some truth to this. Whether you need waterproof safety toe or soft toe, pull, pull on or lace up, they've got you covered. For a limited time, our listeners get $10 off at Brunt with Code Burr at checkout. Just head to bruntworkwear.com and use code Burr B U R R and you're all set. And after that, after you buy, do us a favor. When they ask you where you heard about Brunt, tell them it was from the show. Brunt isn't just about work boots. They offer a full range of high performance gear built for tough jobs. From heavy duty work pants to wear weather resistant jackets, Brunt designs durable, reliable workwear to keep you protective and protective productive. Sorry, in any condition. Brunt didn't just make a durable work boot, they reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. For a limited time, our listeners get 10 bucks off at Brunt by using Code Burr at checkout. Just head to bruntworkwear.com and use code Burr Burr and you're all set. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard from them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. All right, there you go. Alrighty people. Well, that is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning. I hope you enjoyed it. Please enjoy the the interlude music chosen by the wonderfully talented Andrew Themelis. And then afterward, we were going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast. Have a great weekend you bronze cunts.

Nia Renée Hill (30:30)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 17, 2017. What's going on? How are you happy patriots Day, everybody. I believe that only. What's my voice right now? I believe that Massachusetts is kind of the only place that takes Patriots Day off, kind of sort of. You know, they have the Boston Marathon, right? They usually play a Red Sox game during the day for everybody doesn't want to fucking run around and watch a bunch of skinny people running down the damn street shitting themselves on Heartbreak Hill. Every year, somebody shits themselves in that race. You know that anytime there's a marathon, there's people that push themselves so hard that they literally shit themselves. Is they're fucking running up the hill. You know, those runners, they wear those little fucking nylon shorts and stuff, so there's nowhere for it to go. And these maniacs, they just. They just keep running with shit going down the back of their legs. Like one of those fucking horses that carry, you know, drags the newlyweds around the park, you know, but even them, you know, they put the tail up, they fucking shoot it out. Oh, he's going in early with the shit jokes, everybody. This is what it's gonna be. Is it literally going to be a shit show? Yeah. So whatever. Happy Patriots Day to everybody. I don't even know what Patriots Day is. You know, I don't think it's about the football team because it's not football season. When we raise the banner Patriots Day, let's look it up, shall we, people? Patriots Day, hashtag, what the fuck is it? Why does it automatically go to fucking Wikipedia, even though I would have gone here? All right, then there's a Patriot Day, a film starring Mark. Mark Wahlberg. That's not what I was looking for, Suckers. I just don't understand. I had. Oh, my God. I had the worst day with my fucking phone. Like, yesterday. I tried to update it, you know, and then it comes back on, and then you need all your fucking passwords. And no matter how much I type them in the way they're supposed to be, it doesn't recognize it. Then it shuts down my phone. Then it's going, hola, Bonj, Guten tag, in like 50 different fucking languages, and I can't. I can't. I came. So if I had not. I haven't meditated in a month. I'm not gonna lie to you. But I. If I hadn't meditated so much in the beginning part of the year, I would have broke my phone in half. I grabbed. I turned it sideways, and I fucking started. I started to do it. I started to fucking break it, and I stopped. I did throw it at the couch, into the cushions. And I also did throw my laptop into the. They were all into the cushions. Not overly hard. You know, it's funny, when I lifted up the laptop, I felt the pain of my rotator cuff, so I could only throw it so hard. It was really pathetic. It was a very pathetic display of anger. So, you know, I don't know. My phone's still fucking with me. You know, I'm trying to go into the goddamn Apple store here, and they won't let me do it. I don't understand these. You know, Apple is. Everybody fucking loves this country company, you know, can somebody please fucking explain to me why they're so hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support? Is there a fucking reason there's not a phone number? I can't talk to anybody? They're like, fuck you. Here's our product that doesn't work. Go fuck yourself. We're not responsible for anything. You don't know what we look like. You don't know where we are. Don't even talk to me about those fucking Apple stores with the people walking around with the genius T shirts. Give me a fucking break. Oh, that sounds as. Somebody just came into my house. I hear it all the time. So, I mean, doesn't mean shit to me. Anyways, what if that was like an anger meter? You know, As I was getting up higher, it would ring and it would let me know to come back down again, you know, like an idiot light on some car that your engine's overheating. Anyways, fuck those Apple stores too, all right? Those are. It's all. You're talking to low level people in the. In the company. Nobody who's fucking designing these goddamn things that end up being fucked up is working at that store. You give them that stupid shirt that says genius, it should say peon. And then what do they got to deal with? Fucking balding hotheads like me who come walking in going like, dude, where the fuck did all my music go? What, did you put it on the cloud?

Nia Renée Hill (35:08)

I don't. You know, I should have never stopped getting CDs. All I know is everything's fucked up, okay? So now I'm signing into shit on my laptop. My phone's talking to me going, hey, somebody signing in on another device. And there's no place for me to say, yeah, I know, it's me. And then the laptops doing the same thing. They're like. It's like David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen. It's like you guys, you were great together. We had the band and now you're fucking breaking up and you're talking shit about each other and don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers I'm supposed to punch in because I did that too. I went into my settings, I fucking hit the stupid. Whatever clicked on my name, went into passwords, typed the fucking number that they just sent me into the thing and they said they didn't recognize it. And then they freeze up my phone, freeze up my phone. Like I'm working in the Pentagon or something. I'm some fucking general. I'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to some fucking hair metal from the 80s, you know, while I get on a treadmill. That's all I'm trying to do here. You know what it is? It's fucking. It's incestuous. You know how really rich people want to keep the money in their family, you know, so they just sort of, they sort of breed with the same five families. I've taught you this before. So it's why, you know, you look at the Kennedys, it's like they're. They're good looking from the forehead down to like the mouth area. And then they smile and it's. Whoa. You know, Starts looking like they should be playing a fucking banjo, you know? So it's the same thing with technology. Technology. Used to be a radio was a radio. Over there's my stereo. That over there is the dishwasher, right? Slash made. Sorry, just thinking about the time I was talking about. And then you had your Walkman's, right? Then the Walkman also had a fucking radio. And a phone was a phone. And now they've all fought, they've all just been gang bangin, right? This big fucking Caligula fucking fisting technological. I don't know what. They're all the same goddamn thing now. Everything, everything is just on those things. And I, I don't know, it's ridiculous. So what I ended up doing, I. After I, I started to like. It was weird. Like I had these strength signals sent from all the way to like my wrists. I didn't let it get to my hands. I felt the anger go all like. It's like the Hulk, right? The fucking. My arms turned green all the way down to my wrist and I just, I stopped myself from breaking it in half. But I have to tell. Oh God, that would have been such a great feeling to just snap. There has to be YouTube videos of people snapping their Fucking phones in half. What I did was I just said, fuck that phone, fuck the laptop. And I had a drum lesson and I got in my truck and I just fucking drove over. And I can admit, you know what? It was kind of fucking nice not having a phone. You know, I wasn't looking at text messages while driving. I wasn't doing any that type of shit, trying to fucking scroll to the next goddamn song, none of that shit. I just was, I don't know, driving a car like I used to, talking to myself. And then I came back, calmed down, I tried it again. And about, I don't know, maybe the 17th attempt, I got it to work again. And I just gotta. You know, as great as these are and my ability to communicate with you guys and everything like that, you know, I still would have been all right without these things. I could have made it the old fashioned way as a comedian where you just keep doing the clubs and doing the clubs. Then I do a guest spot on the Hollywood Squares right next to Paul Lynde, you know, maybe do a fucking Tonight Show. And I just keep building up. I could have made it that way. I didn't need all of this, all this, that. These YOLO douches, you know, selfies. And then the. The picture you take, that it takes sort of a video, but it's a picture, but it's also a video, you know, these flying squirrel suits. I mean, I don't know, what is it you just have to do that other people didn't do? Is that what it is? I don't fucking know. You know, back in the day, you know what it was? Back in the day you fucking did the clubs until you built up enough of a following on your own that you headlined clubs. And then maybe you got an hour special then, you know. Now if you're a middle act, you need an hour special to headline. Like, the whole thing is. I just feel like this old man, like this is not how it used to be. What's the deal with everything? All right, Patriots Day, everybody. Patriots Day, where is it? Patriots Day in Massachusetts and Wisconsin. And Patriots Day in Maine is an official state holiday commemorating the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord. Well, what the fuck does Maine and Wisconsin have to do with that? The first battles of the American Revolution? Or is Maine and Wisconsin the only other two fucking states that respect our holiday? The holiday was originally celebrated on April 19, the actual anniversary of the battles fought in 1775. Since 1969, it has been observed on the third Monday in April in Massachusetts and in May. Dude, let's get a three day weekend out of it. You know, fuck the 19th. Just make sure it's on a Monday. It's also the first day of a vacation week for public schools in both states. In both states. And a school holiday for many local colleges and universities, both public and private. The day is a public school observance day in Wisconsin. Florida law also encourages people to celebrate it. Like those fucking people needed an encouragement to celebrate anything else. You fucking celebrate, like every day's Patriots Day, fucking Meth day. Though it is not treated as a public holiday, observances and reenactments of battles occur. I remember going to one of those when I was a kid. I thought those people were cool as shit, shooting the guns and pretending to die and all that stuff. I thought it was awesome. Then I got older and I was like, yeah, I mean, if that's what he's into. All right. The Boston Marathon is run on Patriots Day every fucking year. Therefore, sometimes the holiday is referred to as Marathon Monday. The Boston Red Sox had been scheduled have been scheduled to play at home and Fenway park on Patriots Day every year since 1959. The Games are postponed due to weather in 59, 61, 65, 67, and 84. Do I need all of this? All right, we got it. Okay. We got it. So that's what it is. It's commemorating the first battles of the American revolutions in Lexington and in Concord. I thought Gettysburg was the first one. That wasn't the first one. Oh, that was a civil war. Oh, my God. Shaking my head. Shut up, you fucking Wikipedia reading cunt. Nobody gives a fuck about your war knowledge. Did you fight in it? Well, then shut up. All right. You know, it's funny. Before I came in here, right, I was watching the Celtics lose. It's a fresh loss. I'm. I'm taping this. Sunday night. Celtics lost to a giant. Jamie Foxx and the Chicago Bulls. Dude, that Butler guy looks like Jamie Foxx circa, like somewhere in the 90s. In living color and, you know, brutal game, brutal game, brutal game. But it was also, you know, with Isaiah losing his sister and stuff, it was kind of like the drama of the game was definitely just looked at. It's just a fucking game. Look what this guy's going through. But the Bulls, as much as they're in eighth seat, you know, let's go a little sports morning talk radio. I'll tell you, these Chicago Bulls, as much as they're an eighth seed, they have a lot of veteran Presence. And in your experience with your Dwayne Wayne, with your Rondo and yeah, it's not going to be an easy one. And then they got that Unabomber guy. Like, I don't know what the fuck that guy's deal is, you know what I mean? I think when I look at that guy, his do the hairdo he has and the fucking facial hair, I just hear his agent, you know, going like, dude, we've tried everything to get you a lucrative advertising contract. We got nothing. So, you know, why don't you just be the crazy fucking hair and bearded face guy? Why don't we try that? Did the Birdman retire yet? You know, I used to get claustrophobic looking at that guy's fucking tattoos. They just kept going higher and higher like the little he would choking them. Very colorful, very Marvel comic. Yeah. So we lost whatever fucking one game, you know, what are you going to do? I mean, we live and die, but we got one guy, we got fucking Isaiah Thomas.

Nia Renée Hill (44:25)

He's the fucking guy. We live and die by the threes. We don't get fucking offensive boards. And I'll tell you, you can get away with that in the regular season, become playoff time, you know, you might get exposed. That's what I'm worried about. And the Bruins blew it. You blew it. We fucking blew game. We blew it. We fucking blew it. Game two. I think we forgot that there was a third period. We were all impressed with ourselves. You know, we scored three goals in the second period or something like that, or two something. We're up three. We up three to one. Up three to one. Everything's going good. And the cross checking cunts that are the Ottawa Senators. Jesus Christ. If one Ottawa Senator fan bitched about the refereeing in that game. I saw one play like this fucking guy, he cross checked the same guy twice right in front of the net. The guy went down twice, no call. It was like every fucking third cross check that they would call and then that that color commentator was so pro Ottawa. It was fucking ridiculous that that first one, he was trying to say that, that you know, the goal was offsides. It's like, how the fuck can you tell that? He definitely seems like he moves his leg, but there's no way you can see from that shitty angle from nine. I love the NHL too. It's like they're going to, they're going to implement fucking replay, but then for whatever reason, they're going to have a camera on top of the goddamn arena at Least that's the feed we got. It's like, how the fuck can you tell if the guy's on side or not? I don't know. Might have been a good call, might have been a bad call. I had no idea. But the color commentator was. Was convinced. That's a doubt that they should. I think they should have called that one back. Oh, fuck. You just go skate down the goddamn river and go get your fucking whatever. Whatever the fuck you guys eat up there. So anyways, we'll see how that one goes. I'm hoping. I'm both basically hoping the same thing for the Bruins and the Celtics. I know we're not winning the championship in either league. I'm just hoping we can go as far as we can, all right? Get some good playoff experience and build on that. That's what the I'm looking for. That's it. That's all. Nothing crazy. You know, I didn't even look to see if. I know the Predators. They won that first game one to nothing. A pitcher's duel. See? See what the fuck happened with them in game two? I know the fucking Rangers and the fucking Canadians were playing. What do we got here? What's going on? What's going on in the world? The NHL fucking Penguins. They're the team to beat. Man, fuck the Capitals till the Capitals do something. Ah, you fucking. The Canadians won again. God, I hate those fucking bastards. They're not going to win shit, though. Blues take a three game to none series over the Wild. What else do we got here? What's going on with the F. Come on, man. Can you just give me the fucking scores here? Oh, Pittsburgh wins in overtime. All right, well, where's the rest of the. Where's the rest of the scores? What happened yesterday? Chicago win. Should it be this difficult? Should you just go on the website and it's just all right there for mouth breathing morons like me? Is this asking too much? I went the wrong way. Nashville won five to nothing. Oh, my God. Anaheim's up two games to none. Nashville's up two games to none. Toronto beat Washington in overtime. Oh, no wonder I didn't hear from fucking Josh. Adam Myers. We lost in overtime. All right, let's fuck this page. I don't want to go back and relive this. So. Yeah, that's what I did today. That's what I've been doing this weekend. Hanging out with my daughter. And I'm just watching playoffs. I watched that fucking F1 race in Bahrain, whatever the hell that one was at. I Actually taped it this time. Had a great time watching that. The Ferraris win again. Win again. What's his face? Want it? I didn't write down his name. One of those V guys won it, you know. Hamilton got fucking penalized five seconds for driving too slow, slowing up Ricardo. And then people were going like, hey, you know, I don't think he should have been. I don't think he should have been penalized for. For fucking. Basically what was happening was Mercedes was pitting both their cars at the same fucking time, you know, so the other guys in there, the guy was not Nico Rosberg. He's in there, that Botus guy, right? He's fucking sitting there. It's basically. It's like when the jet pulls into the airport, you know, and you're all excited, you're 20 minutes fucking early. But then the guy gets on, captain speaking. So you can see we arrived about 11 minutes early. Unfortunately, our gate is still occupied, so. Well, he doesn't make a difference if we get here early or not. We're still gonna pull up to the Jetway at the same time. So just sit back, relax. Here's more information I'm gonna let you know. Enjoy the tarmac, right? Same fucking thing. Okay, so he's Fucking guy. Sorry, that went on way too long. I was just trying to remember the names of the airport. Shit. Right? So here's the other guy's already sitting there. All right, that Boutros Boutro Spali guy's already fucking sitting there. So he's pulling into the pits. He knows he can't go there, so he starts slowing the fuck down, you know, causing the other fucking guy, Ricardo, his spots open. It's like, dude, get the fuck out of the way. You know, at least that's the way. The official side. But I actually agree with the officials because Lewis Hamilton is. Is I. You know, I haven't watched too much, but I think he's like that level competitive. Well, he will pull little cunty moves like that. And I think that that's why he got penalized, you know, because, you know, it's like. It's like when Marshawn got busted with the fucking. You know, the stick to the balls. You know what I mean? You're gonna get suspended because we know the other shit you've done. So I think Lewis Hamilton gets the same fucking treatment. Anyways, congratulations to Sebastian Vettel and the Ferrari teams. This has been great. Three races. Ferrari wins one, Mercedes wins the other. Now Ferrari wins the third one. I like it. It's gonna Be a nice back and forth. Sebastian Vettel leads fucking Lewis Hamilton by seven championship points, 68 to 61. I'm telling you guys, get into it, it's like 57 laps. It's a great fucking time. Go see what the Illuminati does with their money. It's a phenomenal goddamn sport. It's already way better than last year where it was just fucking the Mercedes. It was a race to the first turn and then that was it, it was over. But very, very happy with it this year. So anyways, what else did I do this weekend? Oh, I've been working out like a fucking maniac. I actually got on the scale, said 174. You know, I got some acting work this week. I'd like to be about a buck 72. You know, that's the way that I kind of need to be around so I don't look like a big headed fucking jackass, you know. Shout out to all you actresses out there who think only women. Deal with that. It's so hard as a woman. Shut up. Shut up. You're in a movie. Shut up. That's like, you know, I gotta, I can't be too loud, my daughter's sleeping. But my wife was watching that, Keeping up with the Kardashians. And they were having a tough moment in their family, you know, and they were all sitting there just, you know, I just. It just seems like it's one thing after another. And I know a lot of families deal with that, but just it's been really fucking. It's been really hard. And as they're saying this, they're sitting in a private jet being filmed for a television show on their way to New York City, and they're all sitting there with these sad pound puppy looks on their faces. I don't give a fuck if I was going to my own funeral, if I was on a private jet to fucking New York City, I would be getting shit faced. Pilots would love me, you know, I would never disrupt what they're doing up there. I would be like, I'm fucking tipping you guys right? Sitting there all sad. It's just hard because, you know, with everything that happened last year to then come into this year and, and have more hard things to be happening. It's just really hard. I would love to take that clip, you know, and show it to people who actually really have problems. Do a reaction video, you know, whoever sewed together their fucking clothes. And I'm guilty of it too. Everything I fucking wear is made in a sweatshop. I actually tried one time. There was a. There was a website called no Sweat. I don't know if it still exists. And they made all these clothes. None of it was sweatshop labor. And I looked at all the clothes and none of it was cool clothes. And I was like, wow, I want to do the right thing, but I can't wear that shit. All my friends are going to make fun of me. So I put my own insecurity ahead of fucking people working for sweatshop labor prices. I don't know. I just know it's just really hard sometimes. Even if you are in a private jet on your way to New York City, drinking champagne. They weren't even drinking champagne. They were just sitting there looking sad. They had big fucking brown Kardashian eyes. You know what they look like one of those fucking creepy paintings, you know they make of kids with. Remember that, that artist that just had those giant fucking eyes that was like his thing. They had giant. These giant fucking creepy eyes. I gotta look this shit up. This guy actually made a ton of money. They were considered cute. Cute in like the 70s. And I always hated him. Always hated him. Oh, by the way, if you're wondering how the point system works in F1, you get 25 points if you come in first and you get points all the way down to 10th place. It goes 25, like 15, 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, 1. I believe that's how it goes. And then everybody else can go fuck themselves. By the way, how funny was it? And that guy driving for the Hondas, just bitching over the radio about what a piece of shit his car was. He sounded like me in high school, except he's driving a fucking Formula one race car. He said, this is the most underpowered race car I've ever driven in my life. They're all sitting like, guy, dude, not on the radio. And then they cut into his car and it says Honda on the side of it. Anyways. Yeah, it was a really fascinating race because they were somewhere in the Middle east and there was. They were worried about sand blowing onto the track, which could chew up the tires and obviously fuck with the traction. I don't know, the more I get into it, the more I like it. What the fuck was I looking at? Okay, Creepy big eyed kids paintings. 70s. This is how I search for shit. I bet I get it. I better get it. Come on. The Big Eyed Children. The extraordinary story of an epic art fraud. No, that's not them. Why does every art gallery have that older white woman with the really short hair, like a boy's haircut, but it's like stylized, you know, like she sings in Oasis or some shit. Vintage. Oh, there it is. Is this it? No, that's not them. I guess everybody does the big eyed thing. What the. The big eyes. What the fuck was that thing called? Wasn't it called, like, love is. That's not it. Wow. A lot of people are with the big eyed kids. Are big eyed kids in you? Fucking big eyed kid. Love is big eyes. Let's see if that works. All right, I give up. I fucking give up. Now. They show me a picture of SpongeBob SquarePants freaking out on some drugs. Do you guys know the ones I was talking about? They had little bodies. They had giant heads and these big fucking eyes, these little pink fucking arms and shit. They just were. They were creepy as shit. And everybody thought they were so goddamn cute. I was a dumb kid, though. Do you know, every time I walked into a Photoshop back then, and they'd have picture frames and then they already have, like a picture in it. Like, I thought that you were buying that picture. And my mother one time was looking at picture frames, I was like, why would you want that one? I mean, whose kids are those? She just laughed. She just laughed me. She goes, no, you take it out and then you put your picture in there. I was like, oh, now that I have a kid, I can't imagine. Like, that's got to be a terrifying moment. Like, oh, my God, is my kid gonna be homeless? How fucking. You know, come home, you look at you like that. That dumbness was not in me. You know, you come home, you look at your spouse, that's you. You did that. That's your strand of fucking DNA messing up my 50%. Thank you very much. All right, let me read a little bit of advertising here for the week. That's gonna drive me nuts. Those big eyed fucking kids. All right, you want me to read these two now? You want to hear the story about me trying to make fucking dumplings? Let's talk about that. Hey, where any. Any fucking Asians out there? Any Asians listen to this podcast? Anybody from the Far east, migrated over here? Maybe a second generation? Or maybe your family's like, old school and they kept the tradition going so you know how to make dumplings? I. I love dumplings. All right. I'm like Oprah right now. I love dumplings. I fucking love dumplings. And I told you the story of when I was in Singapore and I was on my way to Hong Kong. And I was in the fucking airport lounge, and that cunt ate all the fucking dumplings. I swear to God, I don't know how his belly wasn't hanging over his pants. He's this little skinny motherfucker. It was like he was a competitive eater. They kept bringing him out in, like, in, like, groups of, like, 14. And this fucking guy would eat, like, 11 of them. It's like he was flying around the world and there was gonna be no food in the goddamn plane. So the best dumplings I ever fucking had. I was in Hong Kong. I went to some dim sum shit. I don't know what the hell it was, but it is a art form over there. But I'll tell you, here in America, they still do a great job. But the dumplings, the pot stickers, I love them, all right? I told you guys a while ago, I was, you know, I wanted to get outside my palate. And I never cooked with any of the Asian shit, even though I love it, right? So I decide that I'm going to try to make these dumplings, right? So of course, I don't have any of the ingredients I need, other than the flour, hot water, sugar, salt. What the fuck else did I have? And of course, I had some of that with a soy sauce. I had that. But everything else I didn't have. I didn't have anything else. So I go to the white grocery store, right? I go to their little Asian section that's right next to the Mexican section that's a little bit bigger. And then everything else is just for Northern Europeans. I mean, that's. That's a white grocery store. That's what it's like, okay? So I say to the guy, you got any of this chili sauce? Do you have any of the dark soy sauce? And, you know, I actually asked an Asian dude that worked at the fish counter, and he was like, nah, nah, man. They don't have that shit here. And I was like, do you know where I can get it? He was like, no. I mean, I don't know where you live. And I was like, all right, sorry. So I ended up going to whatever. Was it Koreatown? Thai town? I don't know what the fuck it was. I went and I went into this grocery store and I come walking. Whole new world. All these noodles, all of this I'm looking at going, that's the stuff. When I order, there it is right there, right? So I'm looking for my stuff. I needed, like, corn flour, and they didn't have any. So when I went to the Thai grocery store. I was looking for it, and there was this Asian lady there with their mother. And she sees me, the white dude, old round eye here, looking at the. Trying to figure stuff out. She starts laughing. She goes, what are you trying to make? And then I laughed. I said, I'm gonna try to make dumplings. She goes, all right, what do you need? I said, I'm trying to find corn flour. She goes, oh, you know, she's. You know, since she talks to her mother, they're fucking, you know, it's the real deal shit, you know, bilingual shit going down. And they're trying to help me find the corn flour. They couldn't, So I. They found this other shit, and that was close to it. And we were like, I don't know if you can use that. So I was like, ah, fuck it. Maybe I got to go to Chinatown. I have no fucking idea. So I thank him, and they say, good luck, and I leave. Then I'm standing up at the register and Was hilarious. That same woman came up to me, and this is what she says to me. This is like a minute later, she goes, excuse me? She goes, were you the guy I was just talking to? And immediately I'm like, oh, my God, we all look alike to him. So I laugh and I go, yeah. And she goes, I just Googled it. You can use this as a substitute. She took the time out to Google it. I was like, you know what? You're awesome. She said, no worries. I said, all right, see you later. So now I got a new grocery store to go to. So I come home. So I go to the meat store. I get my fucking pork and all that and get my ginger, right? All the. That I'm gonna put in there. So I go to make this. Making the filling was easy. My bok choy, cutting up the green onions, all of that. It's smelling right, it's looking right. Everything's going good. Then I go to do the dough, and God damn it, that was a. Not mixing it up. Mixing it up was easy, but, like, just trying to make them into a round circle was. That was not easy. Forget about folding them up. And so whatever. I put a little oil in the pan. It took me forever. It took me, like, two hours to do this whole thing. And I was talking to somebody else who married into an Asian family. It was just like, oh, man. He goes, when they do it, they fucking. How quickly, you know, they can fucking get the dumpling together and fold it up and make it look right. It's like, it's. It's like a fucking. It's like magic, you know? And I'm sitting there all clumsy, trying to get the thing together, and it took me like two hours to get the whole thing together. And for whatever reason, this fucking recipe I had, like, how many did I have? I had like fucking like 40 of them. Almost like, I almost quit like 15 times just going like, how many times could I have ordered dumplings from the people that invented them that know what the fuck they're doing? But I plowed ahead, right? So we get the oil in the pan and I just follow the thing, you know, when they get nice and golden brown, then you pour your water in, you put the lid on them, you steam them. When the water's gone, they're done. And I gotta tell you, they were. They were ugly. On a scale of 1 to 10, they were a strong 6. Did not look good. Too many different sizes. Even though the ladies on the, on the video showed me how to do it, I still fucked that up. And. And then, you know, I'm the worst. I have to stop fucking doing this because I always go to Nia, like, was it good? How does it taste? Is it good? And the second she knows I want approval, she turns into fucking Simon Cowell. He was just like, oh, you know, they're. You know, it's like I even say, listen, I know these aren't great for a first attempt. That's pretty good, right? I like, you know, insecure fucking guy that I am. I need a little. Just give me a little fucking feedback comedian. That's why I like stand up, huh? Do you guys like it? Hahaha. We liked it. Dead silence. All right, I get it. All right, how about this one now? Do you like me? Do you like me again? You know, that's how I live my life. I live moment to fucking moment. Not in a Zen way, just in a completely insecure way, right? So she's not giving it up. And I go, so, you know, what's, what's, what's up? She goes, there's something. I don't know. The dough is just not, you know, she's clearly just opening them up and just eating the middle out of them. I go too, too, like sticky. She goes, no, that's not the word. And immediately I'm just like, oh God. I just want to just. Yeah, gummy. Is that the word? Gummy? Sticky gummy. You want a thesaurus however you say that word. So this is what happened is, you know, I learned from this chef that you got to be, you know, tasting your food forever. I used to cook, and I wouldn't be tasting, so I was tasting them the whole fucking way. And the chef told me, you know, by the time it's done, you're not going to want any because you've tasted so much of it. So I'd already had so many fucking dumplings the time I got it, like, I was almost a little sick. And I fucking ate them. And I knew that they weren't right, but I definitely had a good time. I think I would quarter that recipe. So I only make like, fucking eight of them. Then I could have fun and I could actually, like, take my time rather than. Dude, it was like. I swear to God, it was so perfect that I did it during tax time because that's what it felt like, you know, when you got all your receipts all laid out. I had all these little balls of fucking flour. But, dude, this morning, like, I didn't even clean up. I went downstairs and I was just like. I ate dumplings and I had a fucking scotch. I was doing so well on my diet. Next day I fucking woke up, look like a starving child with it. Like a distended belly, you know, if that starving child was an alcoholic. And so I fucking. I came upstairs and just the smell of that fucking soy sauce and all that shit after all those dumplings I fucking ate. And I swear to God, I actually have a newfound respect for that son of a bitch that ate all the dump those dumplings in. In Singapore. I don't know what the fuck that guy's stomach is made out of, but, dude, you can't eat all of that dough. So then, of course, eating like that kind of threw me off my diet. Went to this fucking great cookout today, and I, you know, I ate well, but not well, if you know what I mean. So who knows? Whatever I'm doing well, I'm doing well with the diet, so I'm still going in the right direction. Okay, I've shaved off about eight pounds off of the fucking Christmas ham here. Oh, Billy's gonna be able to fit in his suits in about another five pounds. Get down like 170. 171. That's it. Then I'm trying that suit again. You know why? Cuz I'm not a quitter, all right? I hung in there with the dumplings, but I'm not gonna fucking go down to the. I'm not. I'm not gonna be that guy. I told you guys that I'M not gonna be the guy that goes down to the dry cleaners and has his fucking suits let out sitting there with your fucking shoulders slumped, alright? And if you're, if you're in that right now, if you're doing that right now, you got to keep one fucking suit, okay, that you don't do that to. And I would make it your favorite fucking suit, the one you look the best in. That's it. You have your fat suits. You're literally wearing a fat suit. Like fucking Eddie Murphy in the clumps. Except when they say cut, you know, in the end of the day they can't remove it. What are you doing? Get on a fucking treadmill. All right, all right. Let's get to some of the, some of the fucking questions here for the week, shall we? Shall we? The lovely Nia, everybody. Is my food here?

Nia Renée Hill (72:04)

No, I'm not. You're way off the mic. We're probably been annoying the out of people for the last five minutes. Okay, okay, okay. I'm out of here. All right. Hey, Nia, that. That dress is. I mean, it's a dress. You're. You're wearing it and I still. I can't even do it to you. You look great. Asshole. Get out of here. All right, Wagon. Please read. Please read. Hey there, Billy. Baby wipe. It's the first kid one. All right. I heard the email you read a couple weeks ago about the older guy who was wondering if it was worth it to lay off the booze and reconnect with his family. I can tell you I wasn't as bad as that guy, but it made me realize I could be a better person. I quit boozing two days after I heard his story. I called my brother and I started a dialogue I should have started eight years ago. I used to listen to you talk about booze and think it was an excuse to keep boozing, not placing the blame on you. I'm a moron. Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know you, so I wouldn't think that you were trying to blame me. I wouldn't accept the blame either. But then I realized you don't drink all day every day. That you have a full career and a kid and a wife. I have a plumbing and heating job and a terrier. I still smoke weed because it helps with my arthritis, which is actually very severe and prevents me from doing things. Just picture you jerking off. God damn it. I can't. I can't sustain it. It prevents me from doing things like running and lifting comfortably. The call to my brother initiated. Well, I bet taking all that booze out of your system will probably help out. I don't think boozing is good for your joints. Is it all that sugar? I don't know. I don't. I always just repeat shit that I half listen to. I'm sorry. The call to my brother initiated his inviting me to Easter. Nice. The first holiday I will spend with my family in almost nine years. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Well, I don't know what you're thanking me for. You did it. I don't know that I said anything. By the way, my wife was watching Dr. Phil and they had this fucking guy on there. It was one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen on tv. This guy was basically going on the Internet. He was into conspiracy theory and he lost his job and he went. Got into this meditating thing and he said he had reached this spiritual plane of constant meditation and nobody. And he couldn't explain it to anybody around him, like his wife. And Dr. Phil's trying to talk to the guy. And he goes, he just kept going like, so what are you trying, you're, you're meditating, you're on the Internet, you're meditating. And, and then the guy just kept taking this arrogant like, line with him going, yeah, see, once again, I mean, you'd have to read up. I mean, I can't just explain this to you. I, I can send you links on to try to get to my level basically of higher thinking. And then Dr. Phil's like, don't talk down to me, okay? First of all, you don't know me. I'm one of the most open minded people you're ever going to meet. First of all, who the fuck says that about themselves? I'm one of the greatest people I've ever met, right? So long story short, they bring in Deepak Chopra, all right? Another whore of spirituality, you know, where he's a whore of psychology. And this fucking jerk off comes in with these fucking bright red sneakers on and sits down next to this guy and the guy's freaking out because he feels like he's on the same plane as this guy. And then he proceeds to basically say that this guy is abandoning his family. He picked his words carefully, I will say that, about old fucking Deepak D to the motherfucking Chopra. He basically picked his words carefully. But in the end, he said to Dr. Phil that he feels this guy is bipolar. This fucking poor bastard found out that he was bipolar on national television. Like, and the guy fucking sits there, acts like he's helping people. Basically, you're bipolar. You're not reaching a higher spiritual plane as much as you are expecting. Experiencing a manic episode. Yeah, I'm just doing that Judge Judy shit where he's talking all tough to this. Like two, two minutes into it, I was like, this guy needs some serious psychological help. But I, I don't, I don't know shit. Fucking Deepak coming out, making this face. I'm trying to think who the fuck he looks like. I don't know what he looks like. Liberace, whatever, whatever. National. What is he, Is he Indian? He's like, if, if India had a Liberace, this, this, would they ever do the fucking Michael Douglas, Matt Damon version of Liberace? If they do it in some Bollywood thing, you gotta, you gotta cast that guy. I love that he was just available too. Does he live out in Hollywood. All right, Anyways, I have no fucking idea. I don't know anymore. You know, one of my favorite things, too, is my wife is on Instagram, and Instagram's a pain in the ass because if you're not on it, you can't look at the photos and shit. And I just can't join another social media site. But one of my favorite fucking things are those people who take up pictures of themselves and their amazing bodies after they work out. And rather than just in. In saying, don't I look fucking amazing? They actually act like they're trying to motivate you. You know, like, reach. Hashtag reach your goals. Hashtag putting that work in. I don't. I think I'm just. I've just become an old man now, and I don't understand younger people. I just don't understand, like, the level of douche chills that you would take a picture of yourself while you're working out, you know, under the guise that you're trying to motivate people. You know, like, this isn't about me, guys. This is in my eight pack. This is about you. I'm trying to. I try to inspire people with my beauty. That's why I don't believe in Christ. When I just see moments like that, it's just like, what is God waiting for? When are you going to send this dude back? Like, how bad does it have to get? You know, in a way, I almost blame God at this point. It's like you're enabling us. How long are you going to keep letting us have the intelligence to invent these devices to further disappear up our own assholes? As I sit on a podcast talking to myself for a fucking hour. Oh, Jesus. I swear to God, every time I think I'm making a point, I just realize what a fucking hypocrite I am. All right, Little girl statue in Syria. Okay, this sounds like clickbait. You know, when you see little girl finds a statue in Syria, what she does next will shock you. And, you know, you click on it and there's one photo and 87 ads. Fuck all of those sites, all right, Bill? For days, people flooded Facebook in praise of the little girl statue they placed in front of the Wall street bull. Everybody, mostly women and social justice warriors, went on about resisting and how powerful the statue was. I choose to fight it. Turns out the little girl statue was put up by a media marketing company that has zero interest in doing anything but creating a buzz for themselves. That's not all the bull Itself was a piece of art erected by an independent artist. It was panned by Wall street and they wanted it removed. The people kept it there. Everyone is a sucker. Whatever that means. K o N Y 2012 I cited a source below. Unless the rest of the twats on Facebook, I think you skipped some words here. Sorry for the stomach growling. Also, that white hat documentary that went everywhere about the group of volunteers that came to the aid of Syrian chemical weapons victims was part of a huge agenda to make America mad at the Syrian regime. International reporters are questioning the source of those weapons. Some think it was even. It wasn't even the Syrian government. We're all fucked. Love you, Love Nia. Congrats on the little lady. Yeah, I believe all that type of shit. I believe that type of shit. I don't know any of that type of stuff, but I definitely believe that they, they show images to make us fucking upset about stuff, you know? Seems very easy to defeat terrorism to me. All you do is just embrace the electric cars. Just make everything electric. We stop buying oil from those guys, they don't have any money, they go bankrupt and next thing you know they can't afford anything but rocks. We're not over there. They gradually forget about us. They go back to arguing with one another and we just slowly back away. Why don't we just do that? You know why? Because there's no money in that. That's what I think. But what do I know? All right. Terrified of a threesome. Can I, can I click on this link up here? What is this link this person sent me? I don't know why. Oh, I know why. Because I don't have it. I got to click on it when it's in the email. What's in the. When it's in the email. Now how do I find where the fucking email is? Live reads boom. I go to that. Click on inbox, retrace all my steps, go to the content, scroll down, click on the link, wait for it to open. It is now trying to load. All right, I'll get back to that in a minute. In the meantime, terrified of a threesome. Hey, parentheses, insert cheap redhead insult here. Huge fan. Love your stand up and F is for family. Thank you. I'm a 21 year old college student who has a girlfriend that is bisexual and beautiful as well. God bless you. God bless you, sir. God bless you. There's no way you don't believe in God, man. God bless you. We've talked about asking girls to join us in bed and are finally Getting ready to have it happen. The girl that's joining us is a girl that the both of us have gotten with in the past at different times. Ah, this is perfect. The only problem is that I get freaked the fuck out when I think about this happening. Both of the women involved are hot, inexperienced, which is what scares me. I'm not that astounding looking of a guy. Not that well endowed as far as my dick goes and not experienced at all. Are you going to talk yourself onto this, dude? And not experienced at all compared to these girls. How do I get past my fears and relax enough to make to be into what's happening and make sure I make it worthwhile for both these ladies. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Dude, do not fuck this up, okay? The only way you can fuck this up is to not show up. Just show up and let nature take over, okay? It's alright to be freaked out. You're 21 years old, you got two fucking smoking hot chicks want to fucking bang at the same time. That's a lot. That's rock star shit. I don't know what you do for a living, but I'm guessing you're not a fucking rock star. So yeah, this is, this is, this is fucking great. This is a great goddamn thing, you know? And if you want to I just tell your girlfriend, just be like, yeah, I'm excited and I'm a. I've got to be honest, I'm a little nervous you guys are both, so. But just keep painting about because they're so beautiful and all things. She'll be like, don't worry, relax, just follow my lead. Just do that. Just be open and honest about it. But don't take it to the fucking point that you like, don't say all that other shit. You know, I'm not the best looking guy. I could have had a bigger dick. Then she's going to think, well, what the fuck am I doing this with you for? For? Don't go that far. All right, here's the thing, dude. You're definitely good looking enough. You definitely got a big enough dick or none of this would be happening, right? Okay, you got called up to the show. Okay, get up to the plate and swing out of your cleats. I would let them start, let them start. And then you just kind of, you know, work your way in. That's all. Just start making out with both of them. That's it. Get some fucking. I don't know. I don't. Just, just please, please, dude, please. For the someday 48 year old you, who probably doing a podcast by himself. Okay? Please don't fuck this up, okay? Don't. Do not talk yourself out of this. You're getting in your fucking head, all right? You've already gotten with both of them. She obviously likes your dick. She's coming back for more. Your girlfriend's still there. This is just like. This is something else, dude. And this is a great experience for you to push past all that fucking low self esteem, all right? So man the fuck up, have a great time. Follow up email, please. All right? My girl loves me too much. Aw. But I can't love myself at all. All right. Hey, Billy. Moose knuckle. I always forget what that is. I know what a camel toe is. I don't know what a moose knuckle is. I'm a 22 year. Is that a Canadian camel toe? I don't know. I'm a 22 year old college student and I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. Things have been great. Only problem is that she's got the tendency to tell me I love you or you're so important to me or I adore you at least 15 times a day without any lead up. Oh, yeah, that's creepy. She just does it out of the boo. I guess. It's nice to hear, but after a point, it makes me wonder if she has some underlying issue. I'm the first boyfriend and she's still shocked even after dating for a year that someone finds her attractive. Sorry, hiccups are coming. On top of all this, she gets weird and passive aggressive when I suggest I have a night to myself, saying things like, I guess I'll stay, stay home alone or I'll just eat leftover soup and watch the Food Network. This shit kills me and I usually cave and come over. I'm an introvert at heart and need my time alone to recharge and study or read my favorite books. When we're together, we mostly watch movies, talk about school or fuck, which is fine, but I need to be alone once in a while. I have too much empathy and I'm a pushover, which doesn't help anything. Doesn't help anything. I need some advice. Do you think she has an attachment problem or is it something else? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I would just work on your end of it. Whatever her issue is, it might come to a head when you just say, listen, I just need alone time sometimes, you know, and let her pout and do whatever the fuck she wants to do. And eventually she'll accept that about you. Or she'll tell you why she's too insecure to not spend the night and, you know, spend a night alone. Or she'll flip the fuck out, and you'll be like, wow, I'm not with the right person. But I can tell you this. Not doing what you want to do in a relationship is the quickest way to poison the water, okay? And I don't mean just going out and fucking around and doing all like that, but I mean, like, you know, if you don't like going to brunch, you have to tell them you don't like going to brunch. Now, you still have to go to some brunches, but you're not going to be going to them all the time, all right? To not tell her that you're an introvert at heart and you need your time alone to recharge and study and all that type of shit. Read your favorite books. You know, she has to respect that about you, and you got to respect that about you, okay? Stop giving in to what the fuck she wants what you. You. Having a night alone every once in a while is not a crazy request, okay? And I would do that first and see how she reacts. And you might get to the bottom of why she has to say I love you and I adore you and all of that shit 50 times a fucking day. Probably because you're. She's probably terrified that it's not going to end well, you know, she's. If she's never had another boyfriend, I'm guessing she's around your age. Maybe that gave her some sort of complex. I don't fucking know. This is something for you guys to work out, but I got to tell you this right now. If you need alone time, you got to tell her that or else you're going to end up presenting her. The whole relationship is gonna gradually start its fucking downward spiral, and that's it. And it crashes and burns right in a fucking cornfield. Okay? That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Is that everything that I wanted to talk about? I got Boise, Idaho coming up this weekend. Yes. Next weekend. I'll be out there with Rose bowl tailgate legend and puck off host, all things Comedy network podcaster Joe Bartnik. We're gonna have a great time when we're up there. That is all. Go yourselves and I'll check in on you. On.