Bill Burr (0:01)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 10, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? March 10th. Holy. Holy shit. Previews start tonight for Glengarry Glen Ross. Saturday night we did our first show in front of like about 900 people. And I don't know, could not have gone better. I was so amazed watching all, all my castmates, like, thinking about where they're, where they were, you know, six weeks ago versus this amazing stuff that it became. Not saying it wasn't good from the beginning, but you know, you know what I'm saying. And just hearing where all the laughs were and everything. And everybody was very happy, crowd was very happy, cast was happy, people producing it were very happ directors and everything. So we're off. We're off. So next week we just have rehearsals and then we have premieres at night. And then I think next week we just get into the regular schedule where I just have premieres at night. So I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself. All that free time back. I'll just sit around here being lonely. I am FaceTiming the hell out of my family, but Jesus Christ, I, the other night I was just sitting here, I, I, we rehearsed all day and then we ran the thing and I came back to my little corporate apartment here and I was just like, what am I, what am I gonna do? Fucking lonely here. So just ended up like, I, it's funny. I don't want to get involved in the politics of the New York comedy scene. But, like, I was trying to find a comedy show to go do where there was a comedian that I knew, you know, because I haven't lived here in almost 20 years, right? So I start checking out all of these different comedy clubs around town and I'm looking them up and I'm trying to go to their website and I keep ending up on the website of the New York Comedy Club and they're doing that douchey thing where like, you know, I was looking for Gotham Comedy Club and then like they have in New York Comedy club has in their search, you know, Gotham's number one comedy club. So you end up on their, on their, on their website. It's fucking Dirty Pool, man. So I ended up going down to. It was weird. I felt like, remember in the Blair Witch where they just kept coming back to the same part in the woods? That's what it's like searching a comedy show in New York City. No matter what comedy club you look up, you end up at the New York Comedy Club's fucking website. Anyway, so I ended up going down to the Gotham Comedy Club and they have their main room upstairs and they have the one downstairs. So I ended up doing, ended up doing a spot there and hanging out with Chris Mazzilli, who I've known, Jesus Christ. I've known him since I came to New York. So we had a great time catching up. And so I figured that that's what I'm going to end up doing. You know what's funny is the Chelsea Hotel is right next to the Gotham Comedy Club and I was actually thinking about spending a weekend there just to do it because it's such an iconic hotel and it's one of those ones like back in the day, you know, before all these never ending wars, before banks took over like our money supply and took us off the gold standard. So you could actually, people could actually like live, you know what I mean? And you, you could like live at the Chelsea Hotel which now to live at a fucking hotel in Manhattan, I mean you'd have to be one of these fucking billionaires, right? But back in the day, I mean they have like, like mailboxes there and all these amazing actors and artists and everybody had lived there. Some dark there I believe that's where Sid Vicious and Sid and Nancy met their end, I think, I don't know, I don't remember. But anyway, I wanted to go down and, and stay there or whatever, but I don't know. That's it. That's the weird thing about like, I hope we can get back to that. Like when I was a kid, like if you like how it worked, if you were like working class, the rule was your rent or your mortgage was one week's pay. That's what it was. And, and but if you move to like New York, it was, it was okay for it to be two weeks pay because New York was always expensive, right? And now I don't know what, now I'm meeting all these people on the road. They're fucking working 40 hours a week for a month and they can't make it, which is really bad for this country because then people have to get a second job and that's less time you can spend with your kids and they need you. So hopefully they will fix that. Not holding my breath. Anyway, plowing ahead. So last night we did the first run through in front of the crowd and went great. I had Some friends come out and stuff and be dropping names all over the place. My first acting teacher, Peter Kelly from the Harrison Project way back in the day, way back 30 fucking year, 1994. I started taking classes with him. He surprisingly showed up and we had a great time getting caught up and laughing about the old days. It was like a perfect night. And then, you know, I went out, some friends got a burger and then just walked into this sports bar. And the fucking Celtics Lakers is on, right? So it's the second half, go in there, the Celtics are up by like 17, 18, 19 points. And it's like the third quarter. And I say to both my friends, I go, this is going to be a two point game in five minutes, right? And of course you know that I did. I don't understand the psychological makeup. You have to watch a fucking NBA game. I just don't get like all of these fucking games now. Like, I swear to God, NFL football, no game is over. It's never over. None of them are ever over. It's weird if that's not the way the games used. I know they've made all these rule changes and stuff, but I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm watching anymore. So we're up by 17, 18 points. It gets down to 16, it gets down to 15, gets down to 13. And we're like all of a sudden we've gone cold. It's a game of runs, dude, right? All of a sudden we go cold, but we're still launching up threes. It's like you've gone cold. I watched this guy in the Celtics. It's like there's nobody in front of him, nobody in front of him. He could just walk to the elbow and take like a foot, whatever that is, a 12 footer or something, right? What the fuck does he do? Launches a three clank, you know, and then all of a sudden, you know, the announcers, oh my goodness gracious, Roger Clemens is coming back this, doing that shit. And then like this whole idea that the entire NBA, the way that they've built their brand, like Charles Barkley was talking about how, like, why are the Lakers getting all this attention? He said Cleveland and Oklahoma have been balling the whole year. Lakers have been good for two weeks and now nobody's talking about Cleveland or Oklahoma, right? So somebody wrote in the comments, who gives a about Cleveland and Oklahoma, right? And I wanted to be like, what? You just proved his point. That's what's wrong with the NBA product is fans Are like, conditioned that only, like, a few teams compete, you know, like, that's. That's what it is. Like, Cleveland doesn't matter. Oklahoma doesn't matter. All of these teams, like, it's Miami matters. Lakers matter. Golden State matters. You know, just like that whole stupid trade that the Dallas Mavericks get rid of their fucking star player because he doesn't make. He. I don't know, I feel like he doesn't make the NBA any money in Dallas. And it's way better for the owners with revenue sharing if he pairs up with LeBron. But it is kind of funny, like, the Lakers, like, for successful as they are, they just do not have an ability to manufacture their own stars. The last fucking person that they had was Magic Johnson. 1980 was the last time they fucking drafted the right guy. Everybody else has been a fucking, you know, some sort of move. I know a lot of you youngsters are going, what about Kobe Bryant? Kobe Bryant got drafted by the Charlotte Hornets. And then straight up said, I'm not playing there. And the NBA said, okay, like, what does that tell Charlotte's fan base? Oh, we're never gonna be good. We're not allowed to be good. It's really strange. So anyway, and then just listening to these fucking announcers selling me this game and just going, Luke is definitely hurt. He's. He is not mo. Anytime he missed a shot, he is not moving. He is in pain. It's like it's march. Everybody's hurt. How many times you gonna make excuses for this fucking guy? So I'm sitting there like, if I could have literally just. If I wasn't with other people, I would have got up and walked out of the bar. Just watching that, it's like, I don't need this fucking anxiety. And then the officiating, the fucking officiating is like this fucking guy on the Lakers, right? He's got the ball, he's down low, dribbles out to the three point line. I think it was Luka stops dribbling, looks around and then starts dribbling again. And I'm like, he fucking. He picked up his dribble, right? Nothing. And I'm not saying this is like preferential treatment to the Lakers. This is like league wide. Like when I was a kid, when you first started playing organized basketball, like in my school was like fourth or fifth grade, like, the dad officiating the game would have called that. Like, you wouldn't miss that. How do you miss. The guy with the ball, picked up his dribble and started dribbling again. It was so obvious. But they didn't blow the whistle. Even the announcers are going like, I think, I think he picked up his dribble. It's fucking bizarre. They don't call traveling. The whole thing is just. It's weird. It's like a. It's like a shoot around. I don't. The whole game is just. It's. I don't know, it's. It's kind of like pass me by. But the thing about an NBA game that I've never been able to handle is just how I am. This, this here is not shitting on professional basketball. This is just me. I can't fucking handle being up by 20 points in five minutes later. It's a nail biter. I. I just don't need that. I don't need that in my life. I am fucking wound up enough as it is. I've had enough disappointments in life. I don't need to fucking every. I mean, the. An NBA game moves the same way as like a horror script. Like a movie, horror movie. You know where it starts off. Oh, boy, we got a new house. Isn't this great? Oh, look at this swing out back. Gee, honey, we really did it right. Then you meet your first weirdo neighbor. All of us, you know, leads down to fucking 16. And all of a sudden the swing in the backyard starts swinging. Nobody's on it. Leads down to 12, right? And then the fucking guy's coming up the goddamn stairs with the axe. And you're only up by two. Every fucking g. I can't. I don't do horror movies and I don't watch NBA games. I just. The way I am. I had like Tourette's when I was in that bar. I was just sitting here. Yeah, launch another fucking three. There you go. Nobody underneath. Well, the analytics say. The analytics say that, that you just, you know, you just live and die by the three. That's what you do. You just, you just keep shooting. The analytics, well, physics says if you. I don't know if it's physics. Logic says if you're not shooting well, stop shooting threes. I wonder if that would work. If this is just overly simple. In my overly simple brain. If I was an NBA coach, be like, all right, listen, we're going to do what the. Everybody does. We're gonna go out there, we're gonna launch 48 threes and take one layup. If it's there in the first quarter. Alright, here's the thing. If we're not hitting our threes get inside the arc. Get inside the arc. I got this concept. If you're cold, why don't you try to take shots closer to the basket? All right? You start feeling it again. Go out to fucking. Go out to the bonies and get back out to the three point land. You start hitting your threes early, you're hitting your threes early. We fucking bury them. We're up by fucking 12. After first quarter, they start coming back. We get cold. Get inside, get inside of it. A three pointer is only one more point than a two pointer. Do I have to tell you that? Feed somebody down low. Take a fucking eight footer, you dumb cunts. No, just keep shooting the threes. Just three, you know. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Fucking insane. No strategy. No strategy whatsoever. You just go down. No, nobody underneath. Don't wait for your teammates. Get an open look. Take it, take it. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Go back down. Do it again. Do it. You know one of them's gonna go in and it's worth three whole points. Do you understand that? Three old points. You don't want that garbage. It's like those people who shop at Erewhon who don't realize that that's the same exact food that you buy at Ralph's minus one ingredient or Trader Joe's. You're eating the same, it's just more expensive. All right, Bill, shut the up. Okay, I get it, I get it. I just. I don't know. I missed. I missed the creativity in the painted area. I missed the double pump reverse layup. I miss people going in and dunking on two people. There he is, 8 foot 9 behind the 3 point arc. He launches it up. Do you know what kills me is everybody freaks out. You see 100 three pointers a game and people still freak out. Every time somebody takes a three pointer, people are all like, it's one more point. Like, I don't understand what you're doing. Like, they make it look like it's the difference between a touchdown and a field goal. Anyway, so I watched the MotoGP. Oh, Billy lonely woke up this morning. Boo doo, boo doo, dude. And I watched the race. Mark Marquez, Jesus Christ. The guy did the trifecta. He won the pole position, he won the sprint 12 points on Saturday, and then he won the. The actual race on Sunday for 25 more points. Dude's got 30 C1, all the points, 37 points. He's up by 11 on his brother Alex. And he's up by. What is it? 14 on his teammate Pekko. I don't know. The most exciting part of the race was he came out of. He came out of a turn and I don't know what he did. It was like he slowed down on purpose. He's worried about the tire pressure. I didn't see far enough into it. He let his brother get in front of him. He just sort of cruised behind him for like the next 15 laps and then finally said, all right, little brother, I'm going to win this thing. And then that was it. Because then once he got in front of him, he immediately had the same comfortable lead that he had before he slowed down. So I don't know what was going on, but Mark Marquez, riding for the factory Ducati team is looking like. I mean, this is just going to be a wire to wire thing. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how Peko handles that. Because if Mark keeps doing this, what he did this weekend, let's say he does that again in Argentina, then all of a sudden Petko's got to be feeling like, what the fuck? All of a sudden, you know, I'm just the teammate. And will he be able to handle that? I have no fucking idea. I don't know how it works, but I don't know. Some interesting thing. Pedro Acosta crashed. I really like the way that kid rides, but that was a problem he had last year. Crashing out of races, he was able to get the bike started again. Andy did get some points, but I'm a big fan of his. And then there's another new rider, this Japanese kid. Let me see. I don't know his name yet. I thought I wrote it down here in my notes, but I never look at the notes. I never look at the notes. Oh, I didn't write it down. What did I do? Did I take a picture? I don't know. He was like in fifth place, I think. I don't know. It was a. It was. It's interesting. And then the defending champ, Mirror, was saying that Honda's gonna be good this year, so we'll see. I hope it is. I hope it's not just like the Ducati is continuing to dominate, but if it is, I'm hoping there's some back and forth with Pekko and Mark. We shall see. We shall see. So anyway, the is going on with this phone. Okay. Oh, Gura. That's his name. Sorry, just had a sneezing fit. Had to hit pause here and here. All right. I think that was it. All right. Anyway, so I'm back into that. And then I want to see Lewis Hamilton driving a Ferrari. I gotta get into that. I don't know when that starts, but. Oh, my God. And then also my Bruins. Holy. Who. Admittedly, Admittedly, I'm not hitting pause. I'm one of those people. My wife said it the other day, saying, like, I don't sneeze, but when I do, I sneeze like 50 times in a row. It's embarrassing, but I don't know what it is. But I'm sure one of you online doctors can tell me what my condition is. You don't have enough rutabaga in your diet, dude. Have you tried the rutabaga diet? Anyway, Bruins trading away Brad Marchand, that was hard. That was tough. I get it from a business standpoint because we weren't going to be good anytime soon. So if we signed him, I think he wanted a three year deal. If we signed him, it would tie up a bunch of money and we would just be bad. And I don't know, I'm happy for him going to Florida because he's with the Contender, defending Stanley cup champ, spending the finals two years in a row. So I don't know, but that sucks. I wanted him to retire a Bruin also, by the way. I can't believe he's 36. I thought he was like 31. Time just flies, but whatever. Hats off to Brad Marchand. What a fucking career he had with us. Without a doubt, one of the all time great Bruins. And like I said, I'm really happy that he's going to a contender, but you know, and then Charlie Coil, what do you go? What'd they send in Toronto kids from Weymouth playing for the Bruins. It all made sense. I don't know. It's. So I guess we're rebuilding, but just seeing where the team went, all these guys. DeBrusk is gone. All of these guys are gone. We'll see. But, you know, I believe in the front office. We'll see what happens. All right? And with that, let's. No, wait. One of them went to. I think Charlie went to the. To the Avalanche. That's where he went. I don't know. I've been doing this. This acting shit here, so I'm out of the loop here. All right, let me. I gotta advertise here. The. The Patrice O'Neill Tickets available for the 12th Annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, Sunday, March 18th at the New York City Center. My favorite gig of the year. I get to Work with all of these comedians that I came up with that were friends with Patrice. I get to work with people that weren't around now when Patrice was around, but they were influenced by his comedy. And I get to hear all these great stories of when they discovered or, you know, I used to watch Tough Crowd, you know, Colin Quinn and Patrice and Norton and all of those guys. You just get to hear these great stories. Also makes you feel old as hell. But it's really fun to see Patrice's influence still on stand up comedy once again, a testament to how great he was. And. And also, you know, his clips now. I mean, shit, he passed a long time ago, and his stuff still holds up. Still holds up. I watch his shit every once in a while. Comes up, you know, if I'm not feeling like it doesn't make me too sad, I will watch it. And that's what I always just walk away shaking my head. I'm like, that's still fucking funny. It's not dated. It's just fucking timeless. Timelessly funny person. Such a huge loss, but this is the one positive thing. All the money goes to Patrice's mom. We make sure that we take care of her because Patrice was taking care of her. Here's the lineup this year. We got Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, arguably the hardest guy I've ever had to go on after. Greer Barnes, D.C. benny, D.C. benny, one of the Boston comedy club legends from back in the day down the Village, when the Village was the Village, you did not want to go on after D.C. benny. Two killers right there. Rosebud from SNL. Tim Dillon, another killer. Nemish Patel, Sean Patton. We got all killer. Rich Voss, another killer. I'm gonna be mopping up towards the end, and then we're gonna try to get a special guest. I've been asking some people. We always have a nice surprise. We try to have a nice surprise for you. Tickets, 75 bucks. They can be purchased at New York City Center NY. Sorry, not York. Www.nysitycenter.org Patrice P A T R I C E Patrice 2025. Or by going to my website, www.billbird.com. it's such a great event every year, so I hope to see you there. All right. It's a good excuse to come to New York. Take your broad shopping. You don't need another one of those. I know, but it makes me happy in the moment. Okay. Shopping with your wife will be back after these messages. Oh, my God. Look at that thing that I already have, but it's in a different color. Hymns. We're doing some advertising. Everybody, look who it is. It's him. Are you looking for a boost in the bedroom? Hims is here to help with personalized erectile dysfunction treatment options. And it's all online. You don't have to show up with your dick staring at the floor. Just like your head, you know, all the heads on your body just hanging down, feeling sad. You can do this shit online, totally discreet. You know, when your car breaks down, you take it to a mechanic with no hesitation. You need it. And it's not something most guys can fix themselves. And men should think the exact same way. About their dicks? No, about erectile dysfunction. The reality is you might be hesitant to seek help. Thankfully, through hims, you can get access to personalized erectile dysfunction treatment without stepping outside your door. Himss is changing men's health care by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch. HIMS provides access to a range of Dr. Trusted erectile dysfunction treatments like chewable hard mints. Oh, the cruel irony of chewing a hard mint with a limp dick. But all of a sudden your dick takes on the traits. Hey, you are who you hang out with. Don't get those soft chewable erectile dysfunction mints. You get the hard ones and Viagra and Cialis and their generics for up to 95% cheaper. They have the RC Cola of Viagra if you want it. The process, the process is 100% online, so there's no need for uncomfortable doctor's visits. I don't know, like I said, I guess if you're a young guy it would bother you, but if my dick stopped working, I mean, I would just walk into the doctor, I would be laughing like, yeah, man, what can we do here? What can we do? Let's get fucking, let's get, you know, let's get Johnny back in the race there. Just answer a series of questions on their site and a medical provider will determine the right treatment option. It prescribed your medicine, ships directly to you for free. No insurance is needed, and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. I have a question because I don't, I never took a health class. I don't know. Forget about the female body. I don't know anything about the male body. If, if you're impotent, right? How do you, how do, how do you get the jizz out of you? Like, how does that happen? Is that like a. Do they work in concert? Your balls in your dick? Like, I Might have to look that up. I'll have to write a little more eloquent. Hey, when your dick don't work, what happens to the jizz? Send. All right. No insurance is. How do you get it out of you? You know how you get it out of you? Petty arguments with your wife. He's backed up. No insurance is needed. And one low price covers everything from treatment to ongoing care. With hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers, HIMS can help you find the erectile dysfunction option that works for you. Start your free online Visit today@hiss.com Spur that's H I M S.com Spur for your personalized erectile dysfunction treatment option. Hiss.com Burr the products mentioned are chewable compound products which are not approved or verified for safety or effectiveness by the fda. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information required. Prices vary based on the product and subscription plans. I'm getting good at that. That. Fucking soulless. You know, when you grow a third foot out of your back or not responsible. All right, I'm gonna do one more read and then I'm gonna finish this tomorrow because I'm. I don't know what's going on here. I'm all congested. I'm all for clemped here. I don't want. You guys have to listen to me hacking up here. All right. Simply safe. You know, we all have routines that bring us calm in a chaotic, often scary word. Oh, my God. World. I almost had a aneurysm with chaotic. How often do you see that word? C H A O T I C. Chaotic. Let's start it again. Take two. Let's go back to one. All right, everybody. Places. Simply safe. You know, we all have routines that bring us calm in a chaotic. Fuck. Back to one. I'm gonna get it. Sorry, guys. No, that was me. That was me. Why is he walking in the background? You up as a performer and you just start bleeding. Why are there birds outside? All right. Simply safe. We all have routines that bring us calm in a chaotic, often scary world. For me, it's arming my Simply Safe home security system. That's my calm when I'm heading out every night or every morning. I lock it up each night. That's that simple step. Jesus does mean more than just protect my family and home. It's protecting. It gives me peace of mind. With Simplisafe, I sleep more soundly and I leave the house with confidence. It's amazing how One small push of a button can have such a big impact. With Simplisafe, Millions of Americans enjoy greater security and peace of mind every time they arm their system. By the way, you know where crooks go immediately? They go to the master bedroom. That's where they go first. So if the alarm's going off, they still going to run up there, people yelling at them and stuff. They're still running up there. So just don't have it there. Put it somewhere else. Whatever the, whatever. You don't want to be stolen when you leave the house. Do not, do not put it in the master bedroom. I'm not saying they're not still going to find it, but fucking, you know, make it a challenge. Little Easter egg hunt with Simplisafe. Millions of Americans enjoy greater security and peace of mind every time they arm their system. Traditional security systems only take action after someone has already broken in. That's too late. Simplisafe's active guard outdoor protection can help prevent break ins before they happen. AI powered cameras backed by live professional monitoring agents monitor your property and detect suspicious activity. If someone's lurking around or acting suspiciously, these agents see and talk to them in real time. Activate spotlights. I gotta love the spotlights. Can I get an air raid siren too? That'd be fantastic. And even contact the police. All before they have the chance to get inside your home. No long term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around a dollar a day. 60 day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. Visit simplisafe.com spur to claim 50% off a new system with the professional monitoring plan and get your first month for free. That's simplisafe.com burr. There's no other safe like simply safe. S I M P L I S A F E dot com Burr. All right, well, you know something? I gotta tell you before I sign off here and I delete second, I'll do the second half tomorrow morning. That's why like, like, you know when you start buying guns, you know, you start playing out all the scenarios in your head, right? So you know you're gonna. You gotta have a gun. Come on. Gun people. You gotta write in. You gotta have a gun near where you're sleeping or what's the point, right? But then you start thinking, I used to do a bit about this, right? What if I'm taking a. Right now, I need. I got it. What if you're taking a. You're a little backed up. It's taking longer than you thought. You hear the guy Coming the door, and you're on the shitter. You got no weapon right now. You got a little shotgun in the bathroom. I went over a guy's house one time. He had a shotgun. He was a gun guy. He had a shotgun mounted right to the bathroom, right next to the toilet. And I gotta be honest, like, I. I was. I was like, I get that. I never felt so safe taking a In my life. And then you got to be like, well, what if he overpowers me and throws me in the linen closet? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like if you're like, a gun person, you're not just gonna stop. You're not just gonna stop with the bedroom, right? But if you got kids, it's a little crazier. But, like, let's just say, you know, it's you and your woman or your boyfriend or your they or whatever. Whatever. Whatever it is that, like, you know, that you need to have on your journey whatever the. Your situation is if you don't have kids there, you know, after a while, like, you know, you got a gun. So obviously it's in your head that somebody's gonna come into your house, the neighborhood or whatever. You're paranoid, or you just like them. There's no way you're stopping at one, right? What if I'm downstairs? What if I'm upstairs? What if I'm all, what if I'm crocheting in this rocking chair? You start taping a pistol underneath it. I want gun people. I want. Does that make you more paranoid? Because the preparation for. And also, you know, the law of attraction. You start preparing for, like, you know, they always say, prepare for success. You're like, prepare for a home invasion. I wonder, too, if nobody ever comes in and you have all those guns. At the end of your life, if you're a little disappointed, like, all those people that have died since the Lions have won a championship, you're just like, all my life, I rooted for the fucking Lions, and they never won it. And then you're like a gun person. Just. All my life, I've gone to the fucking gun range. I played laser tag. I've gone hunting. I've. I've taken a fucking Special forces clientele. Those things that they do for, like, dads. It's like the guitar center for gun owners. You know, you can go to, like, Vegas and they'll fucking teach you, like, some special op shit. You did all of that to be prepared, and no one ever had the decency to come through your fucking front door. Uninvited. Then your wife starts nagging at you. I told you they were going to be a waste of money. I said you had. Oh, you got more guns than I got shoes anyway. All right, I'm gonna take a break here, and then I will finish the podcast tomorrow morning. You don't need to know that, because I'll just edit it together. All right, all right, all right. I'm back. I'm back. Yeah. Why do I say that? It just edited together and. Shut up, Bill. I'll tell you what's killing me is I just. You know when. When the iPhone puts together a collection of your pictures and then puts a song underneath it? That whole weird thing that it does calls it memories. For some reason, they. It just does that. So of course I click on it and it's playing John Denver. That John Denver song, Sunshine on My Shoulders makes me happ. Now that song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day. I don't know any line after that song, after that line in the song, and I'm just going to sing that all day long. But I actually think that that's a. I think it's a really sad song. I never really gotten through it, but it, like, it starts off typically. I don't know. I always found his music was disturbing. It was like. You ever watch, like, a movie where somebody comes into a town and everybody's smiling and being friendly, but you find out later that they're. They're all, you know, in a cult or they're like witches or some. You know, if you watch dumb movies like I do, that's what his music feels like. It feels like the soundtrack to a movie like that. Like, on the surface, it's just really positive, happy. Like, wow, honey, I can really see us settling down and building a life here. And then you find out everybody there is doing some sort of devil worship. That's how I feel about John Denver's music. My God, I'm a country boy. Whenever he's doing that minor jig, you know, acting like they didn't just murder a hundred Native Americans so they could make their claim. I'm a 49. Erm, your insurance question. All right, here we go. We got the questions here. Hey, hey, Billy. Baby balls. Listening to, you have to defend yourself about not wanting to get rear ended and possibly get screwed by a dishonest guy. It's wild you had to explain that, by the way. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy, but, you know, we're Living in a crazy time. We've always been living in a crazy time, but now it's just like overtly crazy. Like, you know, you watch an NBA game and the star of the game double dribbles in front of everybody on television. And in order to drive double dribble, obviously you have the fucking ball. So everybody in the fucking building is looking at you and they don't even call it. How, how does an NBA referee miss a double dribble? Is beyond me. It's fucking beyond me. They called that shit in fourth grade. No one misses a double dribble. You're dribbling, you stop and then you dribble again. There's no way to miss it. It's literally. It takes like five, four seconds to pull it off. Thousand one, thousand two. And he dribbles again. Wait, you know what it is, is during that thousand one thousand two, so much time went by since he dribbled those two seconds, I forgot. I couldn't remember if he had dribbled before. It's unreal. Have you ever seen that LeBron dunk when he goes across half court, stops dribbling, takes three long steps and then like five quick. And then he fucking dunks it. He was playing rugby, he was just running with the fucking ball. He should have just slid. You know, they slide. For whatever reason, he should have just slid into the front row. I don't know, it's strange. All right. This person said, I've been an insurance adjuster for a few years for a major carrier and depending on the state, the clairement has the claimant. I gotta get my glasses. I thought there was an R in there. Has up to two to three years to report the claim. Or 2/3 of a year. That's what it is. Obviously the sooner you report it the better because it'll need less intense investigation. But legally you're able to take your time a bit. Side note. Absolutely. That guy was planning to run and just never respond. I get giving the working guy a break, but why did the other email jack off? Not assume the guy that got hit isn't also a working guy. Sounds like a projection. 100%. 100%. To get you guys caught up. Somebody wrote in, was talking about somebody rear ending him and then being like, hey man, like, you know, I don't think we have to put this through the insurance companies, man, the data. And then he just kept promising that he was going to take care of the guy's bumper and he doesn't, Right? So I was going like, yeah, that guy's a piece of shit. So somebody wrote in being like, you know, what the fuck, man? You gonna, like, fucking come down on the working man, man? I mean, he hit your bumper. Like, that's what. That's what they're there for. Yeah, that was a piece of shit. Sticking up for a piece of shit. And then this person goes on, the letter goes on to say, fuck the billionaires, especially the insurance douches. Well, that's weird because you work in that industry. So how does that work? Well, I work in show business. Look at all the fucking horrible things that's happened in this business. Maybe you're one of the good ones. Love you. Say it back. All right, well, thank you for fucking sticking up for me. I thought I was losing my mind. All right, Suit measuring tape. Hey, Billy the fabulous elderly workout influencer. Well, you know, when you're an elderly workout influencer, the great thing is you get to show people your results with your shirt on. Let's see. I just wanted to let you know, in a recent podcast you were talking about, the measuring tape you recently purchased was showing higher than normal numbers for your measurements. Once upon a time, I worked at a men's suit store, and typically the waist size, your jeans ranged anywhere from 2 to 4 inches lower than your actual waist size. That tape or slacks for a suit would show. For instance, if you were 34 waist and jean, your waist for slacks would be 36, 38. Because jeans stretch and slacks typically do not. Hope this helps in your judgment of yourself and your shirtless yoga. P.S. go f. F fuck yourself. Yeah, I mean, listen, the tape doesn't lie. The jeans do. It's so stupid. I feel like the jeans are in business with the people that poisoned our food supply. And then big pharmaceutical. That's the triangle of death. All right? You buy a pair of 34 inch jeans and you can wear them until you're a 39 inch waist. And then you're like, oh, well, I went up to 35, 36 inch jeans. I need to lose 2 inches. And it's like, no, you need to lose like seven. That's where I ended up, you know? But you don't notice because your jeans have an elastic band on them now. So they just keep stretching, stretching, stretching, right? And then meanwhile, you're filling your fucking gut up with this fucking poison. And then now what? Now you need big pharmaceutical. There you go. And then you go into the hospital, and then they don't cure you. They keep you alive. And. And then you die and you Weren't able to work because you were so fucking sick and you accrued a bunch of debt. And the credit card companies aren't going to eat that. They pass that on to your loved ones. So what's the moral of the story? Start wearing slacks. All right? Neighbor wants to. To store, you know what the fucking. The slacks version of the. The elastic waist is. Suspenders. I don't think I've ever seen somebody in shape wear suspenders. It's always been a fat fuck. I remember there was a moment where they were like, in style. It was really bad. At least in New England it was. And these guys would come to work with green suspenders that had blue whales on them like they were fucking five year olds. It was a really weird time. That preppy look with the boat shoes and the effeminate, like, polo colors. It was really weird. Sweaters, horn rimmed glasses. All right. Arguably, when it came to, like, bosses that era, bosses had the most punchable faces, you know, in the history of bosses. I would say in the 80s, if you had a boss that was into the preppy look and he's wearing those yellows, pinks, those pastel colors and the dumb sweater and his horned rim glasses and his boat shoes with khaki pants and you had to go to work and whatever that guy told you to do, you had to do. There was just no way as a man that you didn't think like, I mean, it's a cubicle. It's stupid. Like, the walls start at the floor like a normal wall, but they don't meet the ceiling. So, like, what am I giving up here? Oh, popping your head up like a whack a mole. Trying to see where that cunt was. Watching him work his way through the maze of failed dreams. Sorry. All right. Neighbor wants to store clamped motorcycle in my property. What is clamped mean? I know. Like, I remember hearing on one of those car shows, he was talking, he was underneath the car saying, this thing has been boxed and blah, blah, blah. Had something to do with welding. I don't want clamp means. I think it means a do it yourself. I don't have time to fucking look it up. Dear Bill. Petite burr, though. Bill Tro Grant, longtime fan and a listener here. I have a situation that I wanted to ask for your thoughts. My neighbor recently asked me if he could store his motorcycle in the porch in front of my house. On the porch. I mean, when I asked him what was the reason, he mentioned that he couldn't afford to get the clamp removed. Oh, oh, oh. It's like a Denver boot, what they used to call those things. Yeah. When you park and they fucking put the thing on. And if it stays on the street, he can get fined or taken away. He didn't want to give more details. Apart from that, he needed it to be for three months. He also said that I'm not using the space in the front of my house, so it shouldn't be a problem. While adding, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. The fact that he's talking about the space in front of your fucking. How Fuck this guy. Right before that sentence, I'd be like, all right, this is the deal. You just got to be like, all right, man, I'll do you a solid. But literally, this is the date. Let's look on our calendars. See this date? You see this? At 8 in the morning, this fucking hunk of shit is going back. It's getting off my property. I would do that. Until he said, you know, you're not using the space in front of your house, so it shouldn't be a problem. You scratch my back, I'll scratch your. He's not going to scratch your back. Fuck this guy. I was a bit thrown off, to be honest. And as he's always seemed to be a nice guy volunteering to do things, I told him I think about it and come back. I spoke to a few people about it, discussing if I'm a bad person for not feeling comfortable with this, especially when it's for so long. I tried to rationalize it, but I do not really want to have someone else's clamped motorcycle on my property in front of my house. Yeah, tell them that. Just say, listen, you know, I think I would have done it until you suggested, you know, you got that front of your house and I'm not using it. That made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Made me feel like you're not a good person. Like, just be direct with the guy. Like, what do you. What do you. What do you give of. Honestly give a fuck? Unless this guy has felonies and he's going to get physical with you and then you don't need that shit. Then you just say, no, you don't have to be honest. But, like, why do you give a fuck about this guy's feelings? You know? And I don't mean you. I'm actually talking about myself too. Like, why are we this polite? Anyway, he continues and says, I've tried to rationalize it, but I don't really want to. A bit of a background he also has a car in a work van that he asked me a year ago if he can park on the street in front of my house, which I did not mind. Yeah, this guy's like a fungus. The other day he asked me why I haven't come back to him for a few days with a spot and I politely told him that it's way too long and unfortunately won't be able to help him on this. Very nice. Good work. He got very upset and started yelling, saying that he is always. He's always been willing to drop everything for me and he is now in a bad mood. So going forward to not call him or ask him for anything. Fun fact, I don't actually have his number or asked him to do anything apart from suggestions as he is an electrician and a handyman. Well, you are asking him his advice on some shit. I mean, but I don't think that that means that he now has to stick his fucked up motorcycle on you, leaned against you. Why can't he put it on his property? He doesn't have any room on his property. What do you think? Initially I felt bad about it, but after the last interaction, especially when he was yelling at me in front of my two year old child, I felt less about it. Dude, I think you grew up in a fucked up house. I think you did. The fact that you're questioning yourself on this, you're 100% right. Did you grow up with people screaming and yelling around you so it seems normal or giving you a guilt trip? Fuck this guy. Apologies for the way too long email and looking forward to seeing you in April on Glengarry Glen Ross. All the best to you and your family. And go clamp yourself. No, dude, you're 100% right. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. And you don't need to escalate shit. But that's one of those things, you know? I mean, I feel like, Buddy, if you ever yell at me like that again in front of my two year old child. I mean, this guy's a fucking piece of. You know what you have for a neighbor? You have a dirt bag. I mean, Jesus Christ, let's, let's look at the detail. Hey, he yells at you in front of your two year old kid. All right, he has a van. What else? What's his other vehicles? Glenn, he has a work van. He has a car and a work van. Well, he's an electrician. All right, so you gotta leave dirtbag out of the van world. Dude, he's an electrician. This guy should be making money. He's got a motorcycle that. I mean, I don't know. Why don't you just go pay the fucking fine? Don't electricians make like. I don't know. When I was a kid, they make like 25 bucks an hour. They made a ton of money. Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. In all of his problems that somehow end up in front of your house or on your property, you should have been like, buddy, you got your fucking work van in front of my house and your fucking car. Now I'm gonna have your fucking, you know, motorcycle youe clamped motorcycle leaning against my porch for three months. When are you gonna start sending your bills to my house, you cunt? Fuck this guy. Fucking dickhead. All right. Advice for a lady. Hey, Billy. Big Gay Jim. I got a really bad dad joke, Mike. My. My gym is so gay, it should be spelled J I, M. There's just a neon sign of a gay guy named Jim going, hi as you come walking in. All right. Long time. Lady listener, I need your help. I worked on Wall street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult getting back in the game since because most of the competitive jobs in this industry are being outsourced overseas. So my options are, yeah, this is what these fucking billionaires are doing. You know, everybody keeps politicizing the job loss. It's. It has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats. It has to do with these billionaire cunts. They've been using sweatshop labor. We've been competing with that ever since they got sick of unions, you know, and they just said, fuck it. You have your union and your factory. We're fucking moving overseas. And I remember when they were like, you got to start making stuff back in this country. And they go, well, we would, but if we made sneakers in this country, they'd be $7 million a pair or whatever. And what they didn't say is, like, how before they left, sneakers were affordable. But what happened was, is when they left all that money, they had to pay American workers basically a living wage. They didn't have to. When they went to another country, they could. They could pay them sweatshop wages. So if they move the factory back here, they weren't going to take that loss. They were going to pass it on to the customer. And that's why it would cost 80 zillion doll dollars. Not because the American worker wants too much money. It's because the cunts at the top want to keep the profit of sweatshop labor. That's what it is, they are heartless fucking people. They don't give a fuck about anything other than their immediate family. They don't give a shit. They're fucking reptilian. And they somehow have you believing that if you don't, if you're not supportive of what they do to human beings in this country, which at this point is. You work for them 160 hours a month and you still can't make your fucking rent, you are somehow a communist, socialist, anti capitalist. It's fucking rid. Their level of greed is fucking off the charts. They're heartless fucking people and they don't give a fuck up, including the environment. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck about anything. Horrible people and all these stupid fucking CEOs now. And I love how they're all getting hair plugs and taking jujitsu and trying to change their fucking origin story. They're out of their fucking minds. All right, Advice for a lady. Hey, Billy, Big Gay Jim, longtime lady listener. I need your help. I worked on Wall street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult. Okay, I read all that. So my options are one, keep eating shit in New York City to move overseas for competitive offers, move back home for good, go somewhere new. My family wants me to move home, but that's been a drag. One silver lining is that I've been getting more bites in California, but I haven't spent extended time there before. I visited L. A but didn't feel as electrified as I have in other cities. Well, you got to listen to your gut. Your gut will tell you what's home. It would be a huge change to leave everyone on the east coast and go out west alone. But I kind of. But I'd kind of love to do it. All right, you're all over the road here. And that I'm in the metaphorical dugout LA is growing on me. I don't understand that sentence. And that I'm in the metaphorical dugout LA is growing on me. I love la. I love New York City. I mean, you gotta. Like, there's just different vibes. If you can settle into the vibe. I mean, I could live in New York, Louisiana, Milwaukee, Chattanooga, There's a whole bunch of places I could live. But like, the key is, is when you go to la, don't try to do New York shit, do LA shit. And if you go in la, to New York, do New York shit, don't try to do LA shit. That's what happens to people when they travel. They try to do what they did, where they left. That's not the point of traveling. The point of traveling is to get a new experience, I would think. I don't know. Positives this person says, being that I can find my culture out there, it's nicer weather than the northeast. My cane Corso will have more space in the home. You know, before I read this email, I thought I fucking spoke English. I don't. I don't know what a cane Corso is. Is that a breed of dog? Is that a car? I don't know what that is. And I can explore an entire state I have not spent that much time in. Oh, dude, at. California is gorgeous. I mean, you would know because the state has been politicized, like Texas and Florida and New York. It's so fucking weird. You know, there's like, literally people in this country that, like, hate California, and it's. It's a state, the United States. If that, fuck, I fell in the fucking ocean, I wouldn't give a fuck. And then there's people in California, Florida, they should just fucking. Just chop it off and let it fuck around. It's like, same team, everybody, same team. The cons are that my family thinks being laid off could be a sign that banking is not the industry for me and they should call living in NYC a good shot and come home. I can't talk to them about wanting to go to la, and I wonder if I'm mentally trying to run away from their preferences for my life. What does my favorite ginger beard think? Am I running away? Should I give up on New York? Or is it really an exhilarating new adventure? Me and my dog? Okay? It is a dog can go on. Love you, Bill B. Keep your pale scalp moistened in New York City. What do I think? I think you should listen to your gut. I don't think you should listen to your family because they don't sound supportive. They sound supportive of you coming back to them because they love you. But to what end? Like what? I don't know where your home is, but you don't sound excited to go there. You're only young once. Doesn't sound like you're married. You don't have any kids. I mean, if you want to give LA a shot, if you feel like it's calling you, I would do it. And, you know, you can always move back. It's not that big a deal. I. I moved out to la. First time I lived out there. I hated it because I wanted to be a New York City comedian. And I just, through this business and opportunities, I just ended up out there. And then I kind of got derailed and I forgot what I wanted to do. And then I came back to New York and then I did the New York comic thing, I got that out of my system and I, and I, after thinking I'm never going to LA again, fuck that place, right? I ended up going back out there and I had a different attitude. The first time I went out there, I was like, oh, I'm fucking East coast, look at me, I have a three quarter leather, you know, I'm too fucking real for this town. I did that stupid thing that east coast people do. Like east coast people go to LA and they think that they're, they're in that movie Footloose, and everybody in LA is gonna be like, wow, you're so edgy, man. You're so much more interesting than me. I'm just a plastic LA person. And when they get out there and they realize that nobody in L. A gives a fuck about your fucking, you know, favorite slice of pizza, whatever the fuck you met, they don't give a shit. And there's too many people out there anyway. It's like their attitude when you bitch about L. A is like, well, fucking move back. Nobody told you to come here. I didn't. Move to where you are. The fuck are you doing, right? So anyway, if you move out to LA with an open mind, the amount of fun that you can have out there for free, just the hiking alone is incredible, the food is unbelievable, the beaches are incredible, and it has some of the most beautiful homes in architecture I've ever seen, which is another one of the awful things about those fires, is the amount of just irreplaceable homes. Like, like I go on Zillow, take a free trip and just look at some homes that are for sale. Like those Mediterranean houses with the Spanish tiles on top, the arches, the tile work in the bathrooms and going up the stairs. Like, the east coast just doesn't have that with the Garrison colonials and New England Brickmaster aluminum siding and all of those, all of those fucking, I don't know, I, I, that's one of the things this, this of course is on the east coast that I love. But I will say, once living in la, I come back here and look at the houses, I'm just like, every once in a while you just see like something unique where it looked like the builder took their time, but it just looks like, oh, so many of the houses out Here were just slapped together. Unless there's like, a mid century kind of thing, which has a cool vibe. Just my opinion. So let me get back to the question here. I fucking totally sidetracked there, all right? Am I running away? You're not running away. You're young. You're figuring your life out. Should I give up on New York City? If your gut tells you that, that you should leave, then I would. If your gut says you could. Should stay here, you should. So what I'm really telling you is listen to your gut. Go somewhere where if you feel excited, if you're getting a good vibe, as you say, an exhilarating new adventure you and your dog can go on. I mean, that's kind of. To me, that seems like how you're wired. And I don't think that your family is wired to have an exhilarating adventure. I think that they're more conservative and that they. They, like, you know, they've settled into their life and change scares them. I know that they love you and they probably worry about you, and they want you to be home. So part of it is that. But you got to live your life, all right? And part of you living your life is I can't make your decisions for you. So I would say, listen to your gut. And there's really no, you know, there's no wrong. There's no fucking mistakes. You know what I mean? There's no mistake. You know, it's stupid, the weight that you put on a mistake. I mean, what are you. What are you, clairvoyant? You can. You can. You don't know what the future is. It felt like the right thing to do, so you did it, and it didn't work out. Big deal. You learned from mistakes. The other night, we ran the play for the first time in front of, like, 8, 900 people. I made a couple of mistakes. And you know what? The mistakes ended up being a good thing because I realized that I can think on my feet and I can get past it. So it's one less thing to worry about, because that's a big thing you worry about. Oh, my God, what if I forget my lines? What the fuck am I going to do? So had I done it perfectly and not said the wrong word or flipped the line around, I would still have that anxiety of, like, all right, well, I did it right the last time. What if I don't do it right this time? And I would still be in that. Fortunately, I fucked up. It was a blessing. So now I can be like, okay, well, all right. If that happens, I'll figure something out. It'll work out. No, tonight I'll fall off the stage or some shit. All right, that's it. Go with your gut. Okay. Book recommendations. This is the last thing. Great book about the NHL in the NHL in the 70s. Lots of stories. Just a recommendation for Bill. It's called Hockey Night Fever by Gary Cole. Thanks for all the laughs over the years. I'm a big fan. All right, well, thanks for the book recommendation. I really appreciate it. All right, that is the podcast. Have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourself, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.