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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and ahahaha. I'm checking in on you. What's going on? How are ya? Oh my God. Week 12, week 12 of Glengarry Glen Ross.
Nate Craig
Week 12 of 16.
Bill Burr
And this is the, this is the big week. We have an extra show, an extra show Friday matinee because we have Monday off. I have my first two day weekend since like February. Looking forward to it. Had a bunch of friends come out this week, came out to see the show, which was fun. And yeah, the dark days of May are almost over. And then June, my family comes out and we ride out the rest of the play and it will be fantastic. So Billy, Billy boy is seeing the light, man. See the light. I'm slowly going crazy. I'm sitting in this apartment by myself. I'm trying to finish this car model. I have to finish this thing. I keep getting frustrated and I get depressed and I'm looking at it, I'm painting all the parts and then I painted them before I put them on so then it wouldn't. And then some of the paint got into the holes that you're supposed to glue it into. And I've never been able to finish one of these because of my add and it just haunts me. It's just sitting here waiting to be assembled. So I got most of the engine together and then it's the undercarriage. And then once I get past that, and then I just, I just slap the whole body together in the decals. It's right there, the body is painted, everything is fine, yada, yada, yada. And that's where I'm at. Oh, and by the way, oh my God, the shit I am still getting from Knicks fans. Fucking hilarious. Fucking walking around like they won a goddamn championship. And so what if you do? What if you win a championship? What do you have as many as the Miami Heat? Shut the fuck up. And I never do this shit. I never. I don't want to fucking be this guy that fucking talks about, you know, but Jesus Christ, have a little perspective. New Yorkers have like no perspective. They're all bravado until you hit them with facts and then they just start laughing. All of this, this is New York. This is what we do. It's not what you do. You lose every year. Stop with this. This is what we do. This is what you do. You talk shit even when you don't do something. So anyway, all I do is I just think about Virsie. I like Versie. I would like the Knicks to win for him. But all these other fucking. All these other fucking posers. Jesus fuck, you're a Knicks fan. You went to a Broadway show. You had a fucking basketball game. What the fuck are you doing? A playoff game. You went to a Broadway show wearing a brand new Knicks hat, and you missed the fucking game because you went to go see Cats with F bombs. All right, that might be a little exaggeration of what you saw, but, you.
Unknown
Know.
Bill Burr
You saw Les Miz if they called each other cunts. Anyway, so last night they were all talking. Oh, yeah, we're up. We're doing Nick's. Looking good. Bird next to look good. Like I give a. I'm just like, hey, man, I hope it works out for you. And it was all of this yap, yap, yap, and all of a sudden, the city just got quiet. You could feel it. And where the fuck was I? I was out to dinner with my friends, and they looked up the score. They said, the Knicks lost in overtime. I will say this, though, to true Knick fans, the ones who didn't immediately become Brooklyn Net fans and start standing there going, brooklyn, we go hard. Or whatever the hell they say at their arena as they catch T shirts. The true Knick fans, like, I was talking to Virsey. Virzi was like. He goes, I am literally physically ill after that loss last night. And I just laughed. I was like, dude, I don't know how you do it. I don't know. Like, how do you still do it at your age? Like, I just. Like last year when the Celtics were making their run, I watched him up until the finals, and I just saw that fucking guy on the Mavericks, that European guy, and I'm just like, I. I'm not doing this to myself. I'm not. My kids are going to see this part of me that I don't want them to see, and the level of hatred that I'm going to fucking work towards. That guy from Shark Tank and that dude from fucking Europe. It's just like, I am too much of a psycho. Before the series even starts, I've still yet to watch a second of my own team winning a championship. Just to know they wanted. Okay, good. Good to know. And recently, I actually. Yesterday I was. We had two shows, and I was in between shows, and I. I went to. I don't know, I went to try to watch tv, which I don't do that much lately. I got back into reading Books, thank God. And I went to watch, you know, maybe a replay or something. I couldn't find anything. So they had this fucking show that was about stadium security. And it was this whole fucking behind the scenes of people doing security at NFL football games. And I don't know what the NFL was thinking by. Because they're usually pretty protective of their brand and whatever. I just watched that thing and I was just like, this is why I don't go to sports sporting events anymore. Because of this shit. All of these drunk ass, dumbass fans. Like, I'll be at. Listen, in all fairness, my generation was pretty dumb, all right? But we weren't, like, raised on screens. We did watch a ton of tv, but it wasn't like you didn't walk around with the tv like you got away from the thing at some point. So, like, I feel like that the screen generation, or maybe just because I'm older and I've had more life experience that I can't remember that I used to be that dumb. Maybe I was. I don't know. But I was just looking at some of these people, and there wasn't one smart person that. That security was having to deal with. There was nobody, like, really, like, rational.
Unknown
They were really.
Bill Burr
I don't know, it was. The whole thing ended up just being really depressing where you're like, this is what public schools is churning out. And everybody was fat from eating our poisoned food. And, you know, they're watching these, looking at these apps that are designed to get you addicted to them so you don't stop watching them. Turns your brain into mush. And then they go. And they drink in the parking lot and they go there as a fucking adult, and they can't sit through four quarters of a sporting event without having to be escorted out of the fucking stadium. And some of these people, they were like parents. They had, like, fucking kids. And everybody has, like this bravado now, you know, like, I'm not the one. I'm not the one to be with. You don't want this smoke. I don't give a. Like, it's like, well, maybe you should. Maybe you should give a. Like, you better give a. Because no one gives a about you or whether your dream comes true. So if you're walking, if you don't even give a fuck about yourself, you're done. Jesus Christ. Everybody I saw on that show needed a fucking salad, an apple, and a book.
Unknown
And here's what was crazy.
Bill Burr
The security people, they were out of shape. Not all of them, but enough of Them like it was just a bunch of obese people, like mildly obese people detaining drunk obese people. It was like my 600 pound life meets Intervention. Intervention. Profoundly depressing fucking show to watch. I remember back in the day when you used to watch Cops, like the criminals weren't that dumb. Like it's like a noticeable level of dumb. There was some idiots on Cops, you know, or the first 48, but gee, maybe because they were drunk, I don't know what else. We were pretty stupid when I think about it. I don't know. Was not. Was not the show to watch. So anyway, you wouldn't notice. You know, I like teasing asshole Nick fans, but I'm actually rooting for the Knicks and I've actually always liked them. Bernard King, Michael Ray Richardson, I think he played for the. Was he the Nets? Mainly with the Nets. Bernard King, I loved him. I loved Patrick Ewan when he was with Georgetown. I love the Patrick Riley Knicks. I loved Latrell Sprewell. What was that kid, Lou, the Asian kid? That magical couple of months and then for whatever reason, they got rid of him. They got rid of him. He was amazing. A lot of their free agent signings haven't really panned out for a while. When you went into the Isaiah Thomas years, those. Those weren't good years, but to say the least. But I've always liked the Knicks and I always liked their colors. But my God, my God, is their fan base. Obnoxious. Obnoxious. There's just been too many songs written about this city and people just have this inflated sense of self just because they're. Or maybe I've just been in Times Square for the last couple of months and just watching the incredibly over lit nothing that Times Square, there's nothing there. There's literally nothing there. It's souvenir stores and Bubba Gump Shrimp and everybody's taking pictures. New York, that's what's funny, is no New Yorker that knows New York. That Times Square, you avoid it. So if you go to New York, you gotta, you gotta go there and get your touristy picture. But like Lower east side, Soho, from what I heard. Brooklyn, I don't know much about it. Out in the Queens, there's cool shit out there. When I was just up in the South Bronx, the Little Italy up there, that, that Dominican area, Washington Heights is fucking cool. Harlem has some great restaurants, but you know, take your picture, but then just get the. Get out of Midtown. Get the fuck out of there. Oh my God, can we do this now? On the podcast, wherever you live. Because every street, what, like, what's that stupid street in Nashville that nobody in Nashville goes to? And it's always a bunch of fucking drunk cows on a fucking beer truck celebrating some fucking fat chick that's getting pregnant, going down the street, twerking to that, sitting there with plus sized Davey Daisy Dukes on. Oh, my God, there's something delusional. When that movie Coyote Ugly came out, the amount of chicks that focused on the ugly and felt that that was an excuse to get up on a bar, oh my God, the amount of force that were just getting up there, you know, looking like they were about ready to break a hole open in the offensive line for the running back. They had like fullback bodies just up there, you know, off season fullback bodies.
Nate Craig
That is.
Bill Burr
I'm trying to think of the male version, like the female version of wanting to be drunk dancing on a bar. What is the male version of that? Is that that dumb game where you, you punch the speed bag and you let the thing tell you, you know, what your punching force was? I don't know. It really is amazing though, how these billionaires have just worked this whole system and they're just designing it to keep us all stupid. And it's fucking working because all of these people are not that dumb. All of those people that were getting pulled out of those stadiums, they're not that dumb. All of those fat chicks on the bar shouldn't be that fucking fat. We should have good food, we should have good educa. Good education. We should have a great education, right? And these fucking assholes just take it all over. There's plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of jobs, plenty of places to live. But like fucking 200 nerds at the top want to take it all for themselves. And they're not even tough. They're fucking nerds. Elon Musk is stealing your sandwich. He would never just walk up to you face to face and steal your sandwich. Ah, Jesus.
Nate Craig
They do it with politicians.
Bill Burr
They do it through the court system. Oh, God, I'm on one here. I, I gotta stay. I gotta watch whatever reality shows I've been watching lately. Anyway, I went. I was down in Soho today and I went by the, the Ducati store because I'm, I'm, you know, I want to buy those. That, that airbag that you can wear underneath your jacket when you ride a motorcycle. And I'm trying to determine which is the best one. I've gone to a couple places out here, so if anybody has any, any knowledge on that, that would be fantastic. But like, I am jonesing so bad to ride a motorcycle in the middle of fucking nowhere. You know, I'm getting. I'm getting excited about getting back to my family and seeing everybody. Oh, I'll tell you, the fucking coolest thing ever is one of my. One of the cast members. You know, as a opening night gift, you know, we talked about how we liked wrestling. So he got me the ultimate warrior, like, action figure. You know, we just got each other like joke gifts, right? So I saw it and my son's birthday is coming up. So I'm like, oh, my God. Like, this is like perfect for him. He would love it. So I showed it to him yesterday. I was like, I got you surprised. He goes, I want to see it. I'm like, well, you know, it's not a surprise by show. He goes, come on, I want to see it. So I showed it to him and he just broke out in the biggest, cutest smile. Like he thought it was the coolest thing ever. And he kept calling it the Hulk. And I'm going, no, it's the ultimate Warrior. It's the Ultimate Warrior. So I'm teaching him that. And Today I was FaceTiming him before school. Him and my lovely daughter. And he said he wanted to see it again. And I focused in on it. He put his face all the way up to the screen. He just goes, oh, like that. Oh, it was. It melted my fucking heart. So I can't wait until his birthday. So I'm just gonna ship it, right? I'm shipping it out. I got him a card or whatever, I'm gonna send it right to him. And my daughter loves Pokemon cards, so I'm sending her some of those things because what else am I gonna do, right? But he's like, totally into it. Then I'm like, oh, my God, is he gonna get into wrestling? This would be amazing because after this play's done, I got my little run overseas, and then I'm not doing other than I have like 30 days, 30 day acting gig. And other than that, I got nothing for the rest of the year. So I gotta make up for all this time that I was away. And that's what I'm planning on doing. In the meantime, I gotta get caught up on the fucking. The NHL and the NBA playoffs. I just had friends in town the last couple of nights, so I've been going out to dinner and so.
Nate Craig
So.
Bill Burr
Oh, did I. I mentioned. I did talk about how the Patrice O' Neill thing went. Fantastic. And I think there's a MotoGP race this weekend? Other than that, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Did not go to the big gay gym today. Today was a. Oh, hang on a second. Sorry, had to hit pause. I was filling the tub up. Epsom salt bath for the old man. That's what's going on after this podcast. Foam roller, yoga mat. Working this out and then sitting in a Epsom salt bath. And I don't want to hear all you pop psycho. Oh, take a ice bath and potato.
Unknown
Did.
Bill Burr
All right, all right, all right. But whatever happened to the ice bath? Whatever happened to him? Everyone was talking about the ice bath, the ice bath this, the ice bath that, the other. Nobody sticks with anything. I feel like people that were doing the ice bath before people were doing the ice bath are still doing it, and most everybody else just kind of stopped doing it. I was taking one for a while. I didn't feel any benefits from it other than I just got used to sitting in really cold water. And I learned that you just got to go in and then sit still. And your body within, like 20 seconds is used to it. And as long as you don't move, you're fine. But if you start moving around, you feel like the coldness of it. I did anyway, but it's not like I got out going like, wow. I am invigorated. However, if I take a cold shower, that makes me feel amazing. But. But sit just sitting there in, like, ice cold water. I mean, it's like, all right, I guess this is good for information. But like, so is like ginger and turmeric. You know, I could just have a big cup of that. You know, they make it into, like a tea or something. I could just be drinking that with my mittens on, holding the cup with both hands. Oh, my God, this is so good. Anyway, not that I'm against the ice bath. I actually, you know, what I enjoyed the most about that was being able to do it and blocking out the fact that I didn't want to do it. I don't know why that's what I enjoyed most about it. But when I got out, I was just like, yeah, man. I mean, that was fucking cold. It wasn't like, wow, my knee feels way better. Everything feels better. You're fucking numb. I would think that wouldn't. What you want to do after that was then get into hot water so then your veins open up again and you flush out the toxins. And then if you're drinking a Bunch of water, you eliminate it from you. That's what I remember. You know, my masseuse would like work on my calves that were all glued up and she would have me put ice on them and then I would, I would, after that I would take a hot shower, put hot water on them, and then they would be like 80% less sore than they would have been. I don't know. This is what happens when someone with no medical background just starts talking and there's no one on the podcast to say, hey man, why don't you shut up? Why don't you shut up? So anyway, I'm also excited to get back into doing stand up, even though I won't be doing the road that much. I have all this stuff that I, I want to, you know, work on for my, my new hour that I got.
Unknown
And.
Bill Burr
I don't know, it's just, this is just a weird, It's a really weird how much the pendulum has swung back from the. These, them, those I'm gonna cancel you. You know, remember those years and now it's totally overcorrected to the right where you now have to listen to the put upon white guy, you know, who somehow feels oppressed. I mean, it's just like.
Unknown
What?
Bill Burr
You know what I mean? Like you hear people, you know, I'm a white guy, so they're not gonna hire me. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, that whole di. What the. You know, now I can't get a job. It's like, dude, if DEI affects you as a white person, you are on the lowest fucking. You are the first. Like you are the most expendable white. That's all you have to be to beat out that shit. Affirmative action. All you have to beat out be as a white person is not to be the most expendable white person. So why don't you step up your game a little bit, Cross some T's and dot some eyes on your fucking resume. You should be good. Oh, bunch of fucking babies. That is, I gotta tell you, the way my people behave sometimes while calling everybody else snowflakes. Any fucking thing that is anything remotely not about white dudes. Like they just start fucking pissing their panties. Cannot fucking handle it. It's fucking unbelievable. It's fucking. It's embarrassing. You don't want to compete and you're gonna call people snowflakes at the same time? Okay.
Nate Craig
I don't want a level playing field.
Bill Burr
I love how like they don't want dei, but they still they. But they have no problem with racism. You know what I mean? It's like, isn't that, like, white dei.
Nate Craig
Bunch of snowflakes.
Bill Burr
I also love the new thing, too, is when you say something really ignorant, you. Then you just blame the crowd, going, whoa, hey, wow, it must be a bunch of sensitive snow snowflakes. And it's like, yeah. Or what you said wasn't funny, or it's just ignorant and there's no point. No. Hey, you know, I guess I'm too wild for this room, man.
Unknown
Guess you guys can't handle my suburban vibe.
Bill Burr
What's the matter? Was there too much cul de sac in that one? You know, like your white dmx? Anyway, very odd. Very odd time. Or is it. Or maybe that always existed. I don't know. Just the ugliness that has just bubbled up. It's like, wow, I really didn't realize there was this many overtly racist people out there. Evidently, there is, and they were just waiting for a green light. And what I love is. I feel like the left brought it out with their fucking psycho I'm, you know, think how I think or I'm gonna end your fucking career bullshit. So now it's swung all the way to the other side, where it was swung so far left that these fucking lunatics on the right think they're in the middle.
Unknown
I don't know.
Bill Burr
Do you guys see it? Like, just. Do you see the bubbling water coming down to just sort of a, you know, simmer again so rational people on the left and right can kind of start running things again. Like, maybe we could start getting politicians that care about people and can make a speech regardless of the color of their tie. Could that happen? Not with all these conservative.
Nate Craig
Not with all these fucking snowflakes.
Bill Burr
And just starts that shit up. And then billionaires are just sitting back laughing. Look at them. Look at them. They're on the same team. They don't even realize it.
Unknown
We did it.
Bill Burr
We're taking all of their away from them. And we're telling them to look at people that have no money and no power and say that that's the reason why you don't have it. Oh, it's Fleet Week, everybody. The sailors are in town. You hear that?
Unknown
You hear?
Nate Craig
Hear that?
Bill Burr
Oh, it's about to go down. No pun intended. All right.
Unknown
All right.
Bill Burr
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Nate Craig
Hey, man, I hear you.
Bill Burr
You're saying things and I'm listening.
Nate Craig
Just chilling out over here.
Bill Burr
Can I get another one of these, please? Oh, wow, they're going in that direction. I might need three of these.
Nate Craig
That would be 15 millis.
Bill Burr
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Unknown
So I don't know.
Bill Burr
We got to bring people together, stop dividing people because it's good for the rich and it's. It's bad for everybody else.
Unknown
All right, that's it.
Bill Burr
I'm done preaching.
Nate Craig
Go yourselves.
Bill Burr
Have a great weekend. You cs, enjoy the music and. And the bonus episode of Thursday of.
Unknown
The Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.
Bill Burr
All right, bye.
Unknown
I got the moon today Pick it up. I got the perfect St. CLE when the dance feel alright Fall out and take the babe Eat the fruit and kiss the snake.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 22. Is that a record for how quickly I said the F word? I'm actually doing the podcast right now, riding in a car. I'm not driving. I'm on my way to New York City because I have to do some promotional stuff here for efforts for family that's coming out this week, right? Or next week, May 30, I don't know what.
Nate Craig
So this begins. Old Billy Red face showing his freckled puss on anything I can get myself.
Unknown
On, you know, so whatever. I'm driving to New York and you know something? There's all this traffic and I gotta take a early flight tomorrow back to la. I don't have time and my wife.
Nate Craig
Just sent Me, this whole thing on what successful people do. And they. They fucking you.
Unknown
They.
Nate Craig
I don't know what they do. They. They.
Unknown
They know how many minutes are in a day.
Nate Craig
Evidently, there's 14, 40 minutes in a day.
Unknown
And they use this wisely.
Nate Craig
And they delegate, right? They delegate shit like, I don't want to do that. You know how to do that, right? All right, I'll pay you to do that. You know, a small portion of what the fuck I'm making.
Unknown
I gotta get better at that. In order to delegate, though, what you have to be is you have to be social. And, you know, that's not my thing unless I've had a couple of drinks. Other than that, I'm kind of a curmudgeon. I don't know if you've noticed I'm a little bit grumpy, but we're fucking cruising now. Where'd all the traffic go? Now watch now. This will be like a Thursday one. I thought I was gonna get to do the whole hour. So anyways, I just got back from my tour up there in Canada. Work with Nate Craig, who murdered it. If you don't believe me, ask anybody who was in Winnipeg, Saskatoon and Regina. And first of all, I'm very pro that Nate and I did a show, two shows in Regina, and neither one of us went with the easy joke. No, we did the stupid. It rhymes with fun. Nobody's like, vagina, vagina. What's up with that? I thought there was gonna be a giant twat here. Sinkhole slash thing. We kind of left it alone. And. I don't know, we had a great time. Let's just back it up here. Okay? We start off in Winnipeg. I told the people of Winnipeg that I wasn't gonna tell people this, but I just think they're so off the beaten path. It's. The cuisine in Winnipeg is fucking insane. All right. Ah, Jesus. What's the. What's the name of that place? We actually. I didn't have time to go this time. I ordered from this place. The peasants something or other. Where's my little list of places to go? Scrolling down to Winnipeg. Yeah, I thought there was gonna be.
Nate Craig
A bunch of traffic.
Unknown
He's just blocking me up. The driver here. All right. Peasant kitchen. Get tortillair if you're ever there. T O R T I, E R E. It's French pork pie. And then we went to the tallest poppy for breakfast the next day. And I wouldn't have known about either one of those. Shout out to a Canadian by the name Of Ed Robertson, you might have heard of him, plays in a band. I think he's in a garage band or something like that. You might have heard of him. I don't know. I'm just with you. So anyways, the food was unbelievable up there and the shows were awesome. Played in this old theater that I forget the name of. I don't remember. It's been around since like 1900. And up top, they have like the. The same old shitty seats they used to have back when everything was segregated, you know, and all the white people were downstairs and anybody else had to walk all the flights of stairs to.
Nate Craig
Go upstairs, you know, and what's the result? What's the result, huh? 50 years later, White people are getting their asses kicked in sports. You know why? We got no quads, we don't have any glutes. That's why our asses are so flat. We just used to walk into the theater. We were on the ground level and everybody else had to walk up, right? That's why we get our asses kicked from the gridiron to the dojo. It's true. It all comes back to going to see Harry Houdini and not having to work for it.
Unknown
So we were actually there and it wasn't cold as shit like the last time and, you know, tried out some new stuff. Stuff. Everything was going great. Went to bed the first night, didn't have a drop of booze. How about that, huh? Didn't smoke a cigar, even though there was Cuban cigars, but, you know, it's Canada, so they got Cuban cigars, but there's no place to smoke them. They're very. They're very hostile against smokers. Or they just maybe like overly protective. They sort of helicopter parent with smokers up there and you're sort of, I guess, allowed to do it outside. Although I did not. I didn't think I really saw anybody smoking anywhere. So anyways, we did that gig and the next one on the docket was we drove up to SAS Saskatoon. Oh, speaking of which, there was these two or three cunts at the Winnipeg show. I thought they were booing me, but they were just going toon. I don't know why. We were in Winnipeg, I guess that's short for Saskatoon.
Nate Craig
It's like Cleveland, the land up there. I guess they call it the tune or they just yell out tune. I have no idea. But we.
Unknown
I thought they were booing me. So, you know, I got off stage and I was just like, jesus Christ, man. I thought that was a Good show, you know. But I was like, no, no, no. They were yelling tune. I'm like, what's tune? They was for Saskatoon. I was like, all right, we're in Winnipeg. They're like, oh, yes, sorry, sorry. That's a big thing in Canada. Everybody's sorry. I'm oh, sorry. Like this waitress was clearing our table and you know, plate is empty and when she goes to clear it, she.
Nate Craig
Goes, oh, sorry, sorry. It's like you're apologizing for do. You brought food to me, now you're taking it away and you're apologizing. Do it all the time. Sorry.
Unknown
I'm sorry. Get the puck out.
Nate Craig
Sorry.
Unknown
So anyways, we did the drive up from, from Winnipeg to Saskatoon, the one that everybody was saying, hey, get ready. What the hell's that song? Jesus, that's not pleasant, is it? Sorry, sorry. I picked it up. I'm going to be ridiculously pleasant on this, you know, Fuck those cunts who yelled out toon in Winnipeg. Sorry. So anyways, everyone was saying I was going to be dreading that drive, you know, like an eight hour drive. And so we start, me and Nate start driving up and we're just hitting all these bugs and shit. But I gotta tell you, man, it was beautiful. And both loved the drive. You know, we live in la, we're just smashed in with a zillion other people. It's nice to get out there. What a beautiful country Canada is. Good lord, all these farmhouses, all of this land. It was beautiful. And all I just kept thinking was I would love to fly a helicopter around here because if you had a problem you could land it anywhere, as opposed to when I'm in la, I'm looking for fucking soccer fields and playgrounds and hoping there's not kids there if I ever had a problem. And just up there was just like, just wide open spaces. And it wasn't that bad a drive we did in like seven hours. We took the one lane highway instead of the two lane highway. So we had a lot of fun, like peeking around trucks and shit, trying to pass them. A lot of farmers like driving these.
Nate Craig
Giant tractors down the street, you know, I don't know, I got a bunch of pictures of shit that I saw.
Unknown
Every, like every mile there would look, there was a barn that looked like it was going to fall down and there'd be some guy who just had like a zillion fucking cars or tires or something all piled up in his yard. It was really, it's pretty interesting. And I was just thinking Those guys from Gas Monkey, you know, if they ever pull all the fucking cars out of barns down in the States, they could just go up to Manitoba and Saskatchewan. They'd find. I saw a number, I saw a 65.
Nate Craig
I'm driving like 70 miles an hour too, and I still saw it.
Unknown
So 65 Ford Galaxy. I don't know if it was the 500. Might have been. No, I think was a 64 actually. 64. I know I sound like the fucking Rayman right here, right now. So anyways, and then we get up to fucking Saskatchewan, Saskatoon. And we only had one show that night, so of course I went out and got absolutely hammered. Hammered at this bar. A lot of tattoos. A lot of tattoos up in Saskatoon. A lot of tattoos. Sorry. But it was a beautiful town. It had this amazing park and. Which I forget the name of. And I. I got up the next day because I show them all those years I have in a paper route. Like I can only sleep for so fucking long. I just sort of naturally wake up. So even though I didn't get to bed till like 2 in the morning, I still woke up at like 8:30. And I was staying at that there fucking Red Rum Hotel there. It's this beautiful old hotel that looks like you could have shot the Shining in there. And it's right next to this long park. And I just was watching. It's got a little mini waterfall they watch these pelicans trying to fish. I saw some geese with some baby geese walking around. It was crazy. After all these years of living in New York and la. I was just sitting there geeking out.
Nate Craig
And there was some old lady standing there looking at the goose.
Unknown
And the goose is like putting its fucking head down looking at her. And I'm thinking that's like an aggressive posture. So I walked away.
Nate Craig
But I was also looking sort of laughing like, thinking that goose was gonna fuck the old lady up. And then thinking like, what would I do?
Unknown
Because that would be bad. I mean, I can't walk away from the old lady, but I also don't want to slap the shit out of this goose in front of all of children. So sort of a tense little moment there out in nature. And fortunately cooler heads prevailed and everybody went their separate ways. But the. I don't think the old lady knew how close she came. You know, she had a big grin on her face as the thing was like ducking down low. So she's kind of ducking down, like imitating it, you know, like she's looking at a gorilla and she's pounding her chest and I thought for half a second, like, I was gonna see some, like, you know, some fucking old lady bird, mma. But you know what? She's so fucking old. I bet she knows how to kill a goose. She probably went out in the backyard and I do that shit. They just walk up and they grab it by the neck and then they do the spin move and then they just hold on to the neck so the body spins and it just breaks the fucking things. Neck. She looked like she was old enough that she actually lived during those times, you know, back when you earned your meal, you know, like you knew the name of the thing that you killed. It was like a pet, right? That weird dragon probably slipped into your fucking sexuality somehow.
Nate Craig
You like dressing up like a bird when you fuck or something like that. There's some weird thing when anytime you get abused, you know, violent, sexy, I don't know what it is, it ends up making you some weirdo in the wreck. So anyways, I end up doing the.
Unknown
So I walked up and I went over that river there, whatever the fuck it is, like walking along these train tracks. And I gotta be honest with you, I was a little nervous about that because it was this old kind of wooden bridge. And I was just thinking every time someone would walk by me, you know, I always kind of made eye contact and, like, braced myself because I just was nervous that someone was just gonna grab my legs and throw me over. Remember seeing a movie a long time ago, this guy did that. He was a psycho and he went hiking with these people, and they didn't realize he was a psycho. I think he had already killed people. And then he went up there and he went to, like, take a picture of this woman, this couple or something, pushed both of them off the fucking cliff. And it was so eerily done that I'm like, this has to be based on a true story because usually that's not good enough for Hollywood. There has to be some dramatic way they kill you rather than just some creepy real way. So I was walking across that. That beautiful nature and everything. Then I was just, you know, worried someone's gonna just, I don't know, just grab me by my ankles and toss me right over before I realized what was going on, you know, Typical shithead. I'd be so busy trying to save. I wouldn't even think about myself before I went over. I think I could have landed it, though, you know, I don't think I was that high up. You know, what does that say about me? That I'm going through nature and I'm thinking, birds are gonna attack old ladies or somebody's gonna throw me off a bridge. Maybe I'm just overly conscious because I know the fucking driver's listening here anyways. Plowing ahead here. Then we did the drive down to Regina. I don't know. I don't really have any. We went to some fucking bar. Well, I don't even know where the hell I was drinking. That's the same place I had lunch and I fucking went into when I was in Saskatoon. It's right. Right out front from the. From the Red Rum Inn that I was staying at. And, oh, my God, that place was a shit show. And this is fucking hilarious. We walked into the bar, and the guy goes, can I see your driver's license? I go, yeah. And then he goes to scan the thing, and I, like, blocked it with my hand. I go, dude, don't scan my id. What are you gonna go? Oh, you know, it's just for us.
Nate Craig
Blah, blah.
Unknown
What the fuck you mean, fuck out of here? He would scan Nate stuff. It's just like. Hey.
Nate Craig
Like.
Unknown
Just the liberties that people take with your id. I don't let go of my ID anymore. Let me see your id. And I just show. I hold onto it. When they go to take it, I go, just read it. I don't give people my id. You can look at it. You can read it. You know, when I check into hotels, they always go to grab it for me, and I hold onto it.
Nate Craig
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Unknown
Can I see it? I go, I don't want you to type any information into your. You know. Oh, we just do that. So the next time you stay now, you don't. You take it, and then you sell it, and then someone else gets it, and then all my shit's out there, and next thing you know, you know, I don't know what. Somebody defaults on a house in Regina and the banks are coming after me. I don't know what. I just know it's not a good thing. So we went in there. Oh, my God, those people were fucking partying. It was some sort of holiday weekend up there. I don't know what it was for, but lot of tattoos. Lot of tattoos. A lot of sleeves. Lot of fucking tattoos. And I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. And I vaguely remember them bringing a hockey stick over. It was a Sherwood that blew my mind because I had not seen one of those since I was a kid, you know, and they did shots out of it, and I don't really remember much after that. I just remember I walked out by myself. I do remember that, I think. Yeah. So then the next day I woke up and I did the whole stupid walk.
Nate Craig
And when I was done with the walk, there was this little double decker.
Unknown
Bus, and I was starving. I didn't know whether it was a good breakfast place. And I just said, fuck it. And I walked up to the double decker bus that they turn into this.
Nate Craig
Fucking little restaurant thing. And I had a hot dog for breakfast and followed it up, up with a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. And I sat alone on a fucking park bench eating an ice cream cone in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Hung over his shit and just laughing at myself. Like, what kind of a fucking life am I living? So as I'm sitting there, this nice Canadian couple pulls up, right? They're both on bicycles. One of them's towing a kid. And I just see the one guy, you know, they're all like, flanders. Like, that's how nice they are up there. And he just goes. He pulls up, he's like, oh, no.
Unknown
Oh, no. And I'm like, what's he looking at? And I turned around, I looked back. You know, the little bus thing that they had, the hot dogs and the ice cream, and like, 40 children just showed up, brought up by, like, the teachers or something. It's like they were gonna be out of ice cream and hot dogs by the time these people order. It was fucking hilarious. I beat the rush just by, like, 30 seconds. But, like, they were just, oh, no.
Nate Craig
Oh, geez.
Unknown
Well, I guess we got here at the wrong time. No, no, no.
Nate Craig
Sorry, sorry.
Unknown
It's okay. It's okay. You eat everything.
Nate Craig
I don't need nourishment.
Unknown
They were, like, even apologetic like that. It was so. I always forget how loud and obnoxious I am and my fellow Americans are until I go to, like, other countries. Like, we're. I. I don't want to be the guy shitting on Americans because I was up there. And Nate just kept talking about how nice the people are up there. And I was like, dude, these people, they. They riot when they. When they lose, you know, a playoff series. O as racist. They're just as fucked up. Blah, blah. By the time we got to Regina, I was like, all right, you know what? These are really nice people. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. All right? I'm stubborn. I don't want to be yet another person that travels to another country and then comes back here to tell everybody how everything in this country is wrong. You should see how they make a grilled cheese sandwich up there. I mean, it's just so. Everything's, like, fucking better. It's like. Really? Is that why everybody's always paying attention to us? You know, if we stink so bad, how come you. We know the name of our president and we don't know the name of your president, huh? Why don't you think about that one for a second? Gee, I don't know, Bill. Because you guys dropped bombs on us.
Nate Craig
All right, fair enough. All right, 17 minutes. This is like the fucking old days, right now, if you'd like to know, I'm going over the Manhattan Bridge, looking at my old digs way back in the day up the street. I used to live in Yorkville. I think that's what it was called. It was Rose up the depressing fucking Roosevelt Island, Queensborough Bridge. I walked across that thing one time.
Unknown
I was so sick of going to the gym. I was just like, you know, I ran down. I didn't run. What am I talking. I fucking walked down, walked over the bridge.
Nate Craig
There's no way to walk on a.
Unknown
Bridge and not think about that Saturday night fever.
Nate Craig
That fucking idiot. You know, I love how he was.
Unknown
Too cowardly to get into that fight, and then he's gonna do a headstand on the Verrazano Bridge. That's the. By the way. That's the one in. That goes from Brooklyn to Staten Island. See if I still remember this. Goes Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Williamsburg, then Manhattan. Hey, sir, is this the Brooklyn. I mean, is this the Manhattan or Williamsburg? Williamsburg. Oh, sorry. Williamsburg. My fault. So it goes Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg, Queensborough, and then. I don't know what the fuck else is up there. There's some sort of footbridge, Triborough Bridge or some shit. They probably renamed it, you know, at this point. It's not the Jackie Robinson Bridge. It's probably named after some. Some lady, you know, I don't know what. Some lady who showed her clam on a show and she was considered brave, you know, the hairy, hairy bridge. Look at. I don't do it. Vagina joke. And Regina. Now I'm gonna do it on a bridge. What's wrong with me? So anyways. Oh, my God. Alphabet city. Yeah. Now that's, like, all nice. Thompson Square Park.
Nate Craig
All the memories are coming back.
Unknown
You know, I've been gone from this city for so long that there's a lot of it that I don't even recognize. Like, I mean, obviously the Empire state Building and that type of Shit. Times Square and that type of thing. But it's like just a completely different from the city that I moved to to, like, Times Square was scary when I moved here. So we just drove by.
Nate Craig
Just drove by us and was driving, like, 30 miles an hour with the sunroof open, with their cell phone out the top. Videotaping. I guess I'm podcasting, but I'm not driving right.
Unknown
Oh, do you want to film it?
Nate Craig
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Okay, sorry.
Unknown
I'll edit it for you. I won't charge you anything. I'm Canadian. How funny is it that they're that nice? And then you get them out on the ice? That's when it all comes out, right cross check into the neck. All of a sudden, Flanders gets his glasses off, puts on a different kind of sweater. And you better keep your head up.
Nate Craig
That's Canada, right? Can somebody please do a drawing of Flanders as a goon for the. I don't know, the Thunder Bay Llamas. Whatever.
Unknown
Whatever the name of your teams are up there in the lower levels, the minor leagues, whatever you call them, every.
Nate Craig
Canadian has a say. Oh, I made it to Thunder Bay, and I didn't.
Unknown
I wasn't good enough to get in the NHL, so I tried to fight my way into the league.
Nate Craig
I know I'm doing a bad Canadian accent. I apologize.
Unknown
Us.
Nate Craig
But.
Unknown
Anyways, whatever, dude. I remember a long time ago, Jeff Ross hosted a comedy show live from Thompson Square Park. And I remember thinking, that was so badass. Anybody that was performing there, because Alphabet City, like, before I even came here, people were saying how scary that was. And, like, Thompson Square was just like. The city had just given in to, like. I mean, it was like, that's a subway going by. If you hear something. It was just like a tent city. Like, I walked by it one time, and it was just like I was trying to mask the fear in my face, plus, you know, rubber neck and just wanted to see what it looked like. And it was like junkies, homeless people, just fucking mentally ill people. It was like. It was like the beginning of a bad, like, hair metal video. You know, when they used to try to do those apocalypse ones. They were all basically loosely based on. On Escape from New York. People coming up out of manholes. Even what's His Face did that. Michael Jackson did it.
Nate Craig
It looked.
Unknown
It was like the Thriller video, except, you know, it was real.
Nate Craig
Get away.
Unknown
Anyways, I'm gonna read some advertising here at the risk of getting car sick. You know what's funny about having A kid is. Your screensavers all become your kid. And every time you pick up your phone, you just, you know, you're around other adults and they have no idea you're looking at your kid. You just go, oh. Then you try to turn into a cough. Excuse me. Because as a man, you're not allowed to show love. All right, Content, live reads. Okay, here we go. Oh, look at this, look at this. Live from the fucking Williamsburg Bridge.
Nate Craig
It's all zip.
Bill Burr
Recruiter.
Unknown
This driver's gonna think I'm nuts. Are you hiring? Well, are ya? Oh, dirty ass New York. Look at these fucking people.
Bill Burr
Oh my God.
Unknown
Kids playing outside in New York unsupervised little kid acting like he had a gun. This is like the old New York. I knew this is gonna be all like fucking high end now. That's not a crazy guy, that's an artist. Is he talking to himself? Robin sold gold, cash, we buy gold. There's an only Asian looking woman there leaning up against a dirty pole. Where the am I? Oh, Essex street and Delancey. I never used to be down here. All right. Convenient, easy, reliable, flexible. Right now you can enjoy this stuff. Stamps services with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long term commitments. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone, top of the homepage and type in Burr B U R R. That's stamps dot com. Enter burr stamps dot com. Never go to the post office again. All right, down here, like around Houston street, back in the day, I used to do this room called Surf Reality. And it was the beginning of the alt circumstances and the level of talent. This is before you could start your career, start a privileged career in the fucking alt rooms where there was like no heckling.
Nate Craig
Let's just support and give somebody at least 20 minutes to get to a fucking punchline.
Unknown
This was like Club Comics going down there and then just some weirdo people that, you know, just were just totally different. But all the comics loved them. And I used to do a place down here called Surf Reality. And I remember every time I got off the train and I walked over here, I used to fuck. I was convinced, convinced I was gonna get mugged. And I bought this jacket from the Army Navy store in a black fucking hat trying to look like I was in Nam or some shit. And you know, keeping my head down so they didn't see the fucking Ron Howard look on my goddamn face, you know?
Nate Craig
You know what's great about this is.
Unknown
As I look out this, I might.
Nate Craig
Be Able to do a whole podcast.
Unknown
And not bring up what is happening to my Boston Celtics. Jesus Christ. Everything that I feared, finally.
Nate Craig
I told you guys when I first started watching them, I'm like, how can.
Unknown
A team that doesn't really have a.
Nate Craig
Center, that doesn't rebound is not good.
Unknown
Playing D in the paint and lives.
Nate Craig
And dies by the three. How can you win in the NBA? But they did, and I bought into it. And you know what? A big bucket of reality hit us in the. Gave us the old right there. Fred. I don't know if game three is tonight, but after watching game two. Jesus Christ.
Unknown
Christ.
Nate Craig
I was so excited. At least we got the number one pick. Next year, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say maybe we should get a center. What are you guys thinking, man? You still believe in Kelly Olenek? If the rest of the team can somehow get us to game seven, I'm warning you people in Cleveland right now, you better watch out for Kelly Olenek. That is a bad man. In game seven, games one through six, he's horrific. But you get that man to game seven. Lucky seven. That's who I. That's what I call lucky seven with his Kobe 11s. Brings the Celtics to heaven. Some shit. I don't know if it rhymes. It's true. I don't. After game two, I'm wondering if we're even gonna make it to game four. I mean, we lost by 54 points. That's like some shit that happens when you're, like, in middle school.
Unknown
But here's. There's a part of me that actually enjoys this because. Because I'm rooting against the warriors, and I think it bugs LeBron and the Cavaliers that we were the number one seed. I think it bugs them that they acted like we even remotely had a shot against them. And I know Isaiah's hurt. We just found that out, but come on. He's hurt. So what? We only lose by 34 points. I think they just got a chip on their shoulder. They're the defending champs, and nobody is talking about them like they are. And everybody's up the fucking ass, you know? Oh, the Boston Celtics, too. They're in number one seed, trying to.
Nate Craig
Sell the series, right? Everybody's out there talking about the. The filthy Golden State warriors kicking people in the balls and blowing out ankles and.
Unknown
I mean, has there been a more boring Western Conference or Eastern Conference matchups? I mean, these things have just been absolute blowouts. I bet they calling up Stern again, and he's going to get those mobbed up reps in there to start fixing some games again just so they don't lose out on all this administration money. Because these things are just going to go. They're going to go four games rather than having 14 games possibly of ad money. They're going to have the bare minimal.
Nate Craig
Eight, you know, and these owners, man.
Unknown
They got a lot of money they have to pay out to these players. You know, they spend a lot of money with their hookers and all that.
Nate Craig
Type of, you know, getting their tummies tucked, lap band surgery and all this ship getting their faces yanked back so they can keep, keep banging the underpaid cheerleaders or whatever it is that they do.
Unknown
So everybody, I, everybody's just basically waiting for the finals. And I don't know, man, I, I don't want to jinx it. I'm gonna shut up because I already.
Nate Craig
Jinxed the fucking city of Washington by.
Unknown
Just saying I don't want to jinx it. But I think, well, I'm not gonna say what's gonna happen. I'm just gonna say what I would love to see. I, I, I want to see the Cavaliers win. I want to see them go fucking back to back. And I want to see that fucking dream team of, I don't know, I can't say a bunch of free agents just, I don't know, I'm just all cunty because I wanted to see the fucking, I wanted to see the Thunder, see if they could get by him. I didn't want to see the fucking, one of the best guys just join the goddamn team. Can you imagine that? Like back in the day, you know, like when Larry Bird steals the ball from Isaiah. Can you imagine if the next year, like Isaiah Thomas was a Celtic, then we just like kick the shit as.
Nate Craig
A fucking guy staring at me like, why I'm doing this recording right now? I just waved at him and he.
Unknown
Continued to stare at me. And now I'm feeling like, Now I'm feeling weird.
Nate Craig
Oh, I guess he was looking at the car.
Unknown
He had sunglasses on. Jesus Christ. Is this guy a fucking robot? Why is he looking at me?
Nate Craig
He's got a minivan and he just stare.
Unknown
I'm in a suv.
Nate Craig
I guess if you have a minivan, you fucking, you take your sunglasses off to look at an suv, right? The minivan is sort of the balless suv, and the SUV sort of the one ball, like, I don't know, full size truck.
Unknown
I don't know how it works. I'm not a redneck. Oh, Fuck.
Nate Craig
They.
Unknown
The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu. Is anybody watching that? I came home the other day and my mother in law, she always. She watches all these shows that I would never see. She started to watch one about. It was about this girl who committed suicide and left like a tape. And she was watching that one there. It's like Little House in the Prairie meets like an S and M video. It was really weird. Like I don't know what was going on. Like they would. They were like these nuns and they were trying to escape this thing. And one of them makes it on.
Nate Craig
The subway and the other one doesn't. And then next thing you know, they got her tied down and they're beating her feet. How do you get that job? The official, like feet beater.
Unknown
I could see like back in the day.
Nate Craig
You know what I mean? Back in the. Wow. Maybe this was bad. No, this was. Seems to be like in the future, do you realize that there's people out there that they're born and at some point when they try to figure out, like, what am I good at?
Unknown
Like, the answer to that ends up.
Nate Craig
Being torturing other human beings. How fucked up is that? You know what I mean? Just like.
Unknown
It'S kind of like being like a comedian. You're either funny or, you know, you can't teach somebody to be funny.
Nate Craig
And then there's like, like torturing some. You just can't teach somebody to be able to do that and just like block it out as somebody's fucking screaming. This lady was sitting there screaming and crying. The guy's just whacking the shit out of her feet.
Unknown
I always come, I always ask my mom, like, Jesus Christ, what the hell are you watching? She always laughs. She's like, I don't know. I just put this on.
Nate Craig
All right, so here we are. Jesus Christ. You know, I gotta give it up.
Unknown
To the graffiti artists.
Nate Craig
Like, they've really taken it to another level, you know, in certain tattoos, I've.
Unknown
Noticed, you know, there's like the high level. Tattoo artists are amazing. But the problem is, is most people that get tattoos don't have a lot of money. So like, you know what's the worst is when you see somebody going to a tattoo parlor and they're looking at shit on the wall. It's just like, dude, that's gonna be on your body for life. You don't even have like a. You don't have an idea, you don't have a theme.
Nate Craig
See, I don't know, kind of like a butterfly with like A bee. And that's what's gonna end up happening. If you look on a wall, it's either gonna be a skull. What's that star tattoo that everybody has? That red and fucking black one? I know like three comedians that have them.
Unknown
A couple of boy band guys have them. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's an anime thing. I have no idea. That's my new word, anime. Because I'm watching that fucking. One punch, man. Anyways, let's get back to the Celtics. Holy shit. Do you realize we have lost? I think we've lost by like, a total of like. Like north of 80 points in the first two games. Definitely north of 70. Like, if you took all the. If you just had the Cavaliers win by one in game one and then one in game two, and you just gave them all those other points. Points. Like, they would not. They could have me in there. Well, who's kidding me? You could have me in there for about a quarter and a half. It's all tied up. 78.
Nate Craig
78.
Unknown
Jesus Christ. I mean, this is like one. This is the worst beating a Celtic team has ever taken in my life. In the playoffs. The. The other closest, most humiliating one to this was.
Nate Craig
I don't know if a lot of people don't remember this during the Larry.
Unknown
Bird era, and it was the last.
Nate Craig
Year of Bill for fit.
Unknown
She'd kind of lost the team. I guess they blamed the coach. I don't know how, but we got swept by the Milwaukee Bucks. And I remember we lost game one, and we lost game two, and then we lost game three. And I just kept thinking, like, they're going to turn it on. They're going to turn it on. And then they lost game four. And that team had Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Kevin McHale. I don't think we had Dennis Johnson at that point. And I'm trying to remember who was on the Bucks was Sidney Montgomery. I don't know who else. Dude, I'm so psyched that I already got 40 minutes of this podcast done, because I have no goddamn time. Like, I was supposed to be at this thing that I'm doing. I was supposed to be there 25 minutes ago. It's 5:55. It's supposed to start at 6:30. So there is some PA right now freaking the out, and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, look at this. I'm on Houston Street. Another fire engine. This is just like the fire chief. He's got like a pickup truck. Oh, they got a fire Engine there, by the way, dude, do you see that lunatic. Which is plowed into the. All those people in Times Square. What the fuck is wrong with people? Jeez. I didn't want to, like, talk about it to give anybody any fucking ideas. Let's get off that subject. Oh, the Adidas store. I love Adidas. Always been an Adidas guy. I don't mind Nike, you know, I like it. I always liked Adidas better. You know why? Because no one knew. Like, everyone knew Adidas before Nike came along. If it's Nike, I don't know what it is. Oh, wow.
Nate Craig
Look at this. This is down near the old Fucking.
Unknown
My old subway stop when I used to live on the Upper east side and I used to come down and go to the Comedy Cellar in the Boston Comedy Club.
Nate Craig
What the fuck?
Unknown
Astor Place. That's what I used to get off. That's when I started looking up all the names of these people.
Nate Craig
Like, who the.
Unknown
What is Astor Place? And I found out about the Astor family. And they're just all just a bunch of slumlords. All the statues. I just started looking them up, learned.
Nate Craig
About the triangle shirt waste fire. People jump into their deaths because somebody.
Unknown
Lock the door to the. Look that one up.
Nate Craig
Triangle shirtwaist fire.
Unknown
Actually read a book on it, and it was just. I don't know why I did it. It was the most uncomfortable book since I read. I read the book the Perfect Storm. And if you don't want to buy the book, just fucking open it up and just. There's a chapter maybe like a three page thing maybe, where the guy describes what happens when you drown. And it's like, I don't know, your blood goes cold, man. It's freaky as hell. Do you know whenever they find those guys in the caves, they always have this goofy smile on their face. Like those divers who decide to swim into a goddamn cave that just Then what I love.
Nate Craig
They're dumb enough to do that. And then some poor bastard has to go in there. Has to go in there and try to fucking.
Unknown
Find him.
Nate Craig
Why don't you just leave them?
Unknown
Why?
Nate Craig
Why don't they just leave them? What the.
Unknown
I don't understand.
Nate Craig
You know what I mean? Just leave them down there. Why are you going to spend all that money to go get. He swam into a cave. He went into a cave underwater. Like, what the are we supposed to do? And that's somebody's goddamn job. They got to go down and fish. You going down there knowing you're going to see a dead body. When they find him, I guess they always have this goofy smile on their face because of the last thing is your body releases.
Unknown
I don't. All this dopamine or some. I sound like Joe Rogan right now, except I don't know what I'm talking about. Dopamine. And, you know, one of those drugs that those ravers take releases that, right? And they feel this. This level of euphoria, like the end.
Nate Craig
Of your life level of euphoria.
Unknown
And then the next day they're just.
Nate Craig
Eating like a bowl of Apple Jacks and they like just burst out in tears because it's so depressing, because they up. They already know what it feels like to die, which evident after you go.
Unknown
Through the horror under the water.
Nate Craig
I guess it's a nice experience. You're like, hey, man, that wasn't that bad.
Unknown
This driver thinks I'm out of my fucking mind. I know it. Where we got 44 minutes. 44 fucking minutes. Oh, Jesus. I used to go down here and I used to do Hot 97. You know, back in the day when everything was fucking crazy, like three times.
Nate Craig
Times a year, rappers would seem to have like a gun battle in the lobby. And I would go down there whenever I was doing. Whenever I was doing Caroline's, you know.
Unknown
And I used to headline Caroline's on like a Tuesday night. And they would. Lewis Ferranda, he used to have to pull the curtain, you know, so it wouldn't look bad. And I was doing talents rooms, and so I was doing the white and the black room. So I used to come down here and I used to try to get some people that maybe saw me open for talent, or Drew Frazier or Gerald Kelly, the New York Kings, Rob Stapleton, all of them. I used to do their rooms. One of the most fun times in my career that I had was. Was doing that stuff. Nobody knew who the fuck I was. I had to go on stage. You expect now people come out, they know who I am. So then it's like I have to work to lose them. Well, back then, I actually had to earn it. And, you know, believe me, I. I.
Nate Craig
Look back on those days fondly, but I don't. I don't miss not selling tickets. So whenever I come back here, I always think about all of those gigs.
Unknown
Capone used to have this room, Nell's on 14th Street. It was the greatest fucking bar. But it was such a hard room for me. That one in Le Barre, Bat Talent had that one. And that one, that fucking room. Every time I went there, it Was like, I bombed. Next time I killed, I bombed, I killed. And I could never figure that room out. It was like an after work party. And I just would go up there, white as hell. And it just either they, you know, you had basically in the black rooms, you have your opening joke and then that's it. Black people have. They're very much like Sicilians where it's like you're dead to them. You fuck up once, that's it, you're dead to me.
Nate Craig
Over.
Unknown
There's this, this relationship is done and there's no, there's no, there's no repairing it. Which is why it's amazing. What's her face. The Fuji chick there started to get booed on the Apollo and then turned it around. The hell's her goddamn name, you know? Amazing voice, cute as hell, four hours late to her shows. Lauryn Hill. Lauryn Hill. Whenever I hear the Fuji music, that reminds me when I first moved down here. That and wu Tang clan. 36 chambers. And what else? What else was I listening to back then? I don't know. Okay, now if this guy's driving like a fucking maniac, I think he's sick of my podcast here.
Nate Craig
How far away are we?
Unknown
Another five minutes. You know they're freaking out, man.
Oh, I'm sure.
Nate Craig
Where the. Is he right?
Unknown
We're going to a hotel first.
Nate Craig
Yeah, I gotta, I look like, I, I look like I just came from Saskatchewan. They're gonna take pictures, so I can't.
Unknown
Be looking like that. I gotta look like. At least bathe today. Oh, dude, I had a 6:30am flight today. Oh, nothing puts me in a goddamn mood. My show didn't get done till 12 and of course I had to go out and have a couple of pops to celebrate the end of the tour. I want to thank every seriously who came out in Winnipeg, everybody that came out in.
Nate Craig
Saskatoon.
Unknown
Sorry about the popping on the P's here. And everybody that came out Regina. I had a great time. I'm definitely. Those three cities are now part of my tours. Now I feel I can go right across the whole southern part. So I was telling people, next thing I'm going to do is I'm going to do, do Alaska over to Yellowknife and some other ones. Jesus Christ. Nine foot lady with clothes on.
Nate Craig
You see that?
Unknown
She had her ass hanging out of.
Nate Craig
The bottom of her dress.
Unknown
Like a sand trap.
Nate Craig
So many divots in it. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry not to have many prize.
Unknown
Are we stopping to get gas?
No, we try to Make a left.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
This car is broken.
Man.
Nate Craig
Let's go.
Bill Burr
Let's go.
Unknown
We get behind the one polite cab driver in the city here. Why are these people wearing scarves? It's not even cold out.
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. Exactly. You mean a left? We're going left here. That idiot. Yeah, I like him. You like me?
Nate Craig
You just on everybody as you're driving. They're morons, right? They don't especially Sunday.
Unknown
You got. It's like Jurassic Jurassic Park.
Nate Craig
Forgive me if you want. I love what you're saying. Trash more of them, make it more entertaining. It makes me feel more normal because that's all I do. Don't you think part of it is because we feel like, you know, they don't know what we're doing? We're too wrapped up in ourselves. Or do you think they're morons?
Unknown
When you're right and under 99 people is wrong, that makes you weird, right?
Nate Craig
There you go. Yeah, that makes you right. I love it.
Unknown
Oh, look at that.
Nate Craig
Bill's Barrington Burger. Oh, and there's some flyer fan in there with a cloth Giroux. Claude Girou. However you say his name.
Unknown
I said hotel's right in the front.
Okay. Right here. All right, dude, I'm gonna jump out and I'm.
I'll be around.
Nate Craig
All right. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna. I'll be.
Unknown
I'll be back down in, like.
I'll be circling because I don't think there's a place for me.
Bill Burr
You have to circle.
Unknown
Yeah. So I think you got my phone number, right? I just. I think I texted you.
Did you text me?
Let me call you now.
Yeah, call me now. So that's.
Nate Craig
I got it.
Unknown
And then you call me. I'll show in the front.
Okay, Cool. All right, you know what? I'm going to call these people, and I'll let them know that I'm coming over.
Nate Craig
I don't know why.
Unknown
Why the do I have to be in an hour early for a goddamn podcast? I got to warm up my voice.
Nate Craig
Right?
Unknown
So your phone ringing?
It's my phone ringing.
Is that you?
No, that's not me. Somebody's saying hello.
Nate Craig
Unless we're in that movie with the guy from Beretta. You ever see that movie?
Unknown
Which one is it?
Nate Craig
The guy who killed somebody. Or maybe killed somebody, got out of jail. He played Beretta. Remember? They called him the guy who did.
Unknown
Like, Twin Peaks or something. Come on, you know that Mulholland Drive.
Nate Craig
What's it. What's the Remember the guy from Beretta? Don't go to bed with the price on your head.
Unknown
No, let me call you.
Nate Craig
Don't do it.
Unknown
Hey, why don't you just give me your phone and I'll do it?
I'll call you.
Bill Burr
That's free. On.
Unknown
No, don't say my number here. No, it's not 31 0.
Nate Craig
Come here.
Unknown
Just give me the goddamn.
It's quicker.
Why do you have one glove on?
No, I'm driving it.
Well, that's your driving glove.
I like Michael Jackson, and I only. I use the left hand mostly.
Nate Craig
All right. With Michael Jackson. I love it.
Unknown
Yeah.
Too bad he got framed.
Nate Craig
He got framed.
Bill Burr
You know something?
Nate Craig
I actually think he did, too. You know what? Yeah. You can't molest a bunch of white kids even if you became white. Yeah.
Unknown
And get off on it twice.
Nate Craig
But California couldn't. They couldn't nail down O.J. right?
Unknown
No, they just want to ruin his reputation. That's all. They just want him to do.
All right.
Nate Craig
Having said that, would you leave. Would you.
Bill Burr
Would you.
Nate Craig
If you had a kid?
Unknown
I don't know.
Bill Burr
If you have kids, you wouldn't leave.
Unknown
Him with Michael, though, right? Now.
Now it's older. It's okay.
Nate Craig
Now they're older because they could fight him off.
Bill Burr
You know what?
Unknown
I'm gonna park on that side, so you can feel free to take all your time. I'll be right here.
He just.
Nate Craig
Just pull up to your house. Right. Stomping his foot. And your kids got to go up.
Unknown
All right, I gotta hit pause on this. I'll do the last eight minutes later.
Nate Craig
All right.
Unknown
The bags.
Nate Craig
Do I need a what?
Unknown
Your back. Your baggage at the back?
Nate Craig
Oh, yeah, that's where my. That's where my show clothes are in.
Unknown
All right, let me help you now.
Nate Craig
Yeah, there's like, regular clothes and then there's headlining clothes.
Unknown
I gotta get on my headlining.
Nate Craig
Okay. All right. Okay. I'll talk to you guys in a minute. All right, I'm back.
Unknown
I'm back.
Nate Craig
Oh, freckled fucko is back here. I did all my press that I had to do. I want to thank everybody over at Vulture Fest. Everybody treated me great. I had a fun time going back and forth. One of the women over there was giving me shit about how bad the Celtics were playing. And, you know, and I was just a grain of with her. And then she just kept trying to do a dig on the Celtics.
Unknown
And I go, you know, I really.
Nate Craig
Don'T appreciate your little passive aggressive comments on the Celtics. I'm admitting that you're kicking her ass. And then she laughed going, ah, you caught that. So I go, you know, what part of Ohio are you from? And she goes, oh, I'm not from Ohio. I go, wait a minute, you're not from Ohio? How are you a Cavaliers fan? She goes, I'm a LeBron fan.
Unknown
And I'm like, get the fuck out of here.
Nate Craig
She goes, yeah, no, I was a fan of his when he went down to Miami, and I'm a fan now that he's gone back to Cleveland. It's just like, you know, found out she's from Washington, D.C. i'm like, you're.
Bill Burr
A fucking Wizards fan?
Nate Craig
She goes, ew, I don't want to do that. It's just, you know what? I actually respect it on some level. I think that she's a. You know, if. I guess if they're all going to be free agents and piling on with each other, then you might as well be like a agent free fan. Then it doesn't fucking matter, right? I don't know. I don't know what.
Bill Burr
It's.
Unknown
Whatever. I'm just joking around. We had a great time giving each other shit. And then I got to sit down. They. It was pretty cool. They actually showed the first episode of season two. From what I heard, people really liked it. I, of course, was not in the room. I didn't want to deal with that. And. And then we went. And we did a. I went in, I did the interview in front of the crowd that just saw it and handed out some free T shirts. We had these. These condoms made up. F is for family condoms and stuff. Handed them out. People like those. Took some pictures afterwards. It was great interview, you know, just great questions. And that type of thing was a lot of fun. And knocked it out. So old Billy boy is gonna be.
Nate Craig
Hitting the fucking hotel bar here soon. How much time I got left here? I gotta knock out another fuckin fuck minutes. I might do it tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll do that, you know, because it doesn't make a difference. Because you guys, I gotta watch the Celtics, man.
Unknown
How much are they down by? All right, watch. I don't even know how to turn on a TV anymore. Watch now. Yes, that's what I want to do. I want to watch now. I want to watch now.
Nate Craig
You want to watch? No, I want to watch tv.
Unknown
Setting the world on fire how much are we down? By Kelly Olenek. For the love of God, pretend it's.
Nate Craig
Fourth quarter, game seven, whatever the fuck it is. You have to do.
Unknown
All right, come on. All right.
Nate Craig
This is football. You guys really gonna listen to me channel surf?
Unknown
You don't really hear this shit. I'm gonna watch the goddamn game. I know. Oh, do it live.
Bill Burr
Commentate it live.
Unknown
I'm not gonna doing that.
Nate Craig
Someone's just sitting here watching these people getting the kicked out of them.
Unknown
Isaiah's out.
Bill Burr
I mean, we could potentially. We could lose by 40.
Nate Craig
Oh my God. All of a sudden, just having the number one draft pick just seems a lot different.
Unknown
I knew all these people going, like.
Nate Craig
I'll tell you right now, the Celtics are only a player away. I was at least smart enough to say it.
Unknown
We're more like a player and a half away, meaning we needed two players.
Nate Craig
Remember a few months ago where they were trying to suggest if we got.
Unknown
Carmelo Anthony, like, we'd have a legitimate.
Nate Craig
Shot to take out? I almost said the LeBron James, the Cavaliers, but that's really what it is. I don't think we do. Listen, I'm going to watch this game. This podcast is going to be like.
Bill Burr
I owe you three minutes.
Nate Craig
Okay?
Unknown
I really don't because I've done a bunch that are over an hour, but. But I gotta upload this shit. I got an early flight because I gotta go out and get back to my wife and daughter. That's it. Thank you guys for listening and please tell everybody on May 30th that F is for family is coming out and I'm gonna be doing a bunch of press. So I apologize if you see my stupid face a little bit too much out there. I have to do it. I gotta put on the monkey sat, monkey hat, little fuckin, you know, do.
Nate Craig
My little fucking dance and over the next couple of weeks. But you know, I'm gonna be trying to.
Unknown
I don't know, I'll be trying to let you guys know where I'm gonna be at. If you give a. All right, that's it.
Nate Craig
Go yourselves and I'll check in on you.
Unknown
Out from and far away the worst day singers get me on down around silver chain Pretty miles is bloody pain and I don't like what you got me hanging from and I don't like.
What you got.
And I don't know what you get me.
Monday Morning Podcast Summary Episode: Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-25 Release Date: May 22, 2025 Host: Bill Burr (All Things Comedy)
The episode kicks off with Bill Burr sharing personal updates about his ongoing theatrical endeavors, celebrating an upcoming extra show on Friday and anticipating a much-needed two-day weekend, his first since February. He discusses his current project of building a car model, expressing frustration over the challenges posed by his ADD, which has hindered his ability to complete the model despite his persistent efforts. Burr also touches on his interactions with friends and family visiting to support his play, highlighting a period of personal productivity and social engagement.
A significant portion of the podcast is dedicated to Burr's fervent rant about New York Knicks fans. He criticizes their relentless optimism and lack of perspective, especially in the face of repeated losses. Burr emphasizes the futility he perceives in their unwavering support, comparing it unfavorably to other teams like the Miami Heat.
"New Yorkers have like no perspective. They're all bravado until you hit them with facts and then they just start laughing. All of this, this is New York. This is what we do."
[02:45]
He recounts a recent Knicks loss in overtime, sharing anecdotes about true Knicks fans who remain loyal despite the team's performance. Burr expresses empathy for fans like Virsi, who remains passionately supportive, yet he questions how they maintain their dedication.
"I just laughed. I was like, dude, I don't know how you do it. I don't know. Like, how do you still do it at your age?"
[03:25]
Shifting focus to the Boston Celtics, Burr expresses disappointment over their playoff performance. He critiques the team's strategy and player performance, specifically mentioning Kelly Olynyk's struggles during critical games.
"The Celtics are only a player away. I was at least smart enough to say it. We're more like a player and a half away, meaning we needed two players."
[82:27]
He reminisces about past Celtics teams, comparing the current squad unfavorably to legends like Larry Bird, Robert Parish, and Kevin McHale. Burr anticipates potential defeats and reflects on the team's chances, indicating skepticism about their ability to advance further in the playoffs.
"I don't think we do. Listen, I'm going to watch this game. This podcast is going to be like."
[82:55]
Burr delves into the topic of stadium security, sharing his frustration with the behavior of modern sports fans. He recounts watching a documentary on NFL stadium security, lamenting the lack of rationality among fans and the inefficiency of security personnel, many of whom appear out of shape and unable to manage disruptive individuals.
"All of these drunk ass, dumbass fans. (...) the security people, they were out of shape. Not all of them, but enough of Them like it was just a bunch of obese people detaining drunk obese people."
[07:14]
He criticizes how contemporary society, influenced by technology and poor education, contributes to the degradation of public behavior, leading to situations where fans cannot enjoy games without causing disturbances.
Burr reflects on generational differences, particularly how younger generations' reliance on screens has affected their cognitive abilities and social interactions. He contrasts his own upbringings, which, despite being "pretty dumb," were not as adversely impacted by technology as he perceives the current generation to be.
"We were pretty stupid when I think about it. (...) turning your brain into mush."
[07:46]
Addressing Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), Burr expresses frustration with how DEI initiatives are perceived by some white individuals, feeling marginalized and dismissed within these frameworks. He criticizes the cultural shift towards political correctness and the backlash against it, highlighting a sense of division and misunderstanding between different social groups.
"If DEI affects you as a white person, you are on the lowest fucking. You are the first. Like you are the most expendable white."
[22:11]
"We got to bring people together, stop dividing people because it's good for the rich and it's bad for everybody else."
[30:56]
Burr shares his experiences with ice baths, a popular wellness trend, discussing both the perceived benefits and his personal sentiments toward the practice. He explains how he used to embrace ice baths but found limited tangible benefits, preferring cold showers for their invigorating effects.
"I feel like people that were doing the ice bath before people were doing the ice bath are still doing it, and most everybody else just kind of stopped doing it."
[18:37]
He humorously critiques the adherence to wellness trends, suggesting that simpler alternatives like ginger and turmeric tea might be as effective without the discomfort.
"But I felt good blocking out the fact that I didn't want to do it. (...) when I got out, I was just like, yeah, man. I mean, that was fucking cold."
[18:37]
Burr recounts his recent comedy tour in Canada, sharing humorous and sometimes awkward encounters in cities like Winnipeg, Saskatoon, and Regina. He describes the local cuisine, the hospitality of Canadian fans, and his impressions of small-town Canada, contrasting it with his experiences in Los Angeles and New York City.
"The cuisine in Winnipeg is fucking insane. (...) The food was unbelievable up there and the shows were awesome."
[35:09]
He narrates specific incidents, such as confusing boos with cheers and interacting with friendly Canadian couples, painting a vivid picture of his cross-country travels.
"I thought they were booing me. So, you know, I got off stage and I was just like, Jesus Christ, man. I thought that was a Good show, you know."
[37:36]
Burr shares heartwarming stories about his family, particularly his interactions with his children. He talks about gifting his son an action figure and the joy it brought, emphasizing the importance of family connections amidst his busy career.
"He put his face all the way up to the screen. He just goes, oh, like that. Oh, it was. It melted my fucking heart."
[16:20]
Midway through the podcast, Burr introduces a promotional segment for Cornbread Hemp, highlighting their THC seltzers as a legal, low-calorie alternative to alcohol. He humorously critiques the various methods of consuming THC, ultimately endorsing the product as a way to unwind without negative side effects like hangovers.
"Cornbread Hemp's THC Seltzers just came out and you have to try them. (...) Made with pure THC and all natural ingredients, no synthetics. Each can has 5 milligrams of THC, which is the perfect amount so you don't feel couch locked or paranoid."
[26:32]
Burr continues to mockingly discuss the overconsumption of THC products while promoting responsible use, aligning the product with relaxation rather than escapism.
In his closing remarks, Burr reiterates his frustration with societal divisions fueled by elite interests. He emphasizes the need for unity among ordinary people to counteract the manipulative tactics of billionaires who aim to maintain control by keeping the masses divided.
"We got to bring people together, stop dividing people because it's good for the rich and it's bad for everybody else."
[30:56]
He calls for mutual respect and collective action to dismantle the power structures that perpetuate inequality and social fragmentation.
"I respect all you guys, all right? And you should all respect each other and stop letting these fucking billionaires rip apart this goddamn country."
[30:56]
On Knicks Fans:
"New Yorkers have like no perspective. They're all bravado until you hit them with facts and then they just start laughing."
[02:45]
On DEI Issues:
"If DEI affects you as a white person, you are on the lowest fucking. You are the first. Like you are the most expendable white."
[22:11]
On Ice Baths:
"I feel like people that were doing the ice bath before people were doing the ice bath are still doing it, and most everybody else just kind of stopped doing it."
[18:37]
On Social Unity:
"We got to bring people together, stop dividing people because it's good for the rich and it's bad for everybody else."
[30:56]
In this episode of the Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr navigates through a blend of personal anecdotes, sharp social commentary, and passionate rants about sports and societal issues. His candid discussions on the behavior of Knicks fans, the inefficacy of modern stadium security, and the perceived shortcomings of DEI initiatives offer listeners a raw and unfiltered perspective. Alongside humor and promotional segments, Burr's call for unity and mutual respect serves as a poignant reminder of the broader issues affecting contemporary society.
Note: The provided summary captures the essence of the podcast episode, organizing key discussions and including notable quotes with timestamps as requested. For full context and additional details, listening to the complete episode is recommended.