Rooms, Asteroids, Getting Along | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-26

Summary

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Monday Morning Podcast: "Rooms, Asteroids, Getting Along"

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast – March 19, 2026
Host: Bill Burr
Podcast by: All Things Comedy
Release Date: March 20, 2026

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Overview

In this freewheeling episode of the Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr goes on classic rants, weaving between his adventures with home repairs, hockey road trips, relationship advice, and an apocalyptic asteroid prediction. With trademark irreverence, Burr dispenses his hard-won wisdom on marriage, calls out self-proclaimed Instagram “relationship experts,” and dishes relatable stories—while riffing on sports, pop culture, and society’s ever-present absurdities. Frequent asides, comedic characters, and a lively cameo from Nia Renée Hill make for a no-holds-barred, highly entertaining listen.

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Major Discussion Points

1. Hockey Recap & Sports Travel Bucket List

Timestamps: 00:14–08:14

• Burr kicks things off with a lament about catching up on Bruins games and their struggles on the road.
  • “We can't win on the road. You know who beat us at home? The Sharks beat us at home. We had a 13-game winning streak at home and that got snapped.” (02:07)
• He nerds out over hockey uniforms, the move from Cooperalls to shorts, and anecdotes on the San Jose Sharks’ rising star, Celebrini.
• Burr revisits his personal quest to attend a home game for every professional team in all four sports—a mission he started in the '90s and is finally wrapping up.
  • “I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what it means... I think at this point it just means, you know, I did that instead of drugs.” (07:54)

2. Homeowner Blues: Renovation & Repairs

Timestamps: 03:07–06:12

• Bill details his ongoing home repair saga: burst pipes, asbestos checks, and the relentless surprises of homeownership.
  • “Owning a house... it’s like having kids. You can't sit down. Every time you sit down: ‘Dad!’ It's the same thing owning a fucking house. Every time you think, okay, I got that settled—something breaks.” (03:57)
• Shares skepticism about contractors’ timelines and bemoans his tennis elbow, worsened by comedy and holding a mic.

3. Physical Fitness: Pull-Ups & Aging

Timestamps: 04:34–06:02

• Burr describes a bet with fellow comedian Paul Virzi—to do 10 pull-ups at 70.

• Debates the difference between grip strength and back fatigue, in typical self-deprecating fashion.

  “They're like, ‘Oh, it's about grip strength.’ It's like, that's not what gets tired. My hands don't get tired. My back goes, ‘I don't want to do it anymore.’” (05:42)

4. Weather, Climate, and the Absurdity of Modern Discourse

Timestamps: 08:16–10:13

• Notes record heat in LA—95 degrees with two days of winter left—and riffs on political denial of climate change.
  • “The dictator signed an executive order that just said that it wasn't real. So I was like, oh, okay—now I feel better.” (08:31)
• Mocks politicians, news media, and podcasters who distract from real solutions.

5. Asteroids, Apocalypse, and the American Psyche

Timestamps: 11:27–17:55

• Spinning a story about a scientist warning of an asteroid that could hit Earth in 2036, Bill spirals into societal commentary and comedic hypotheticals.
• Highlights polarization in America and how disaster would be interpreted to fit partisan narratives.
  • “Half the country would be excited that it happened, you know, because at this point they've allowed 24-hour news networks to make them hate half their fucking country because they forgot we're all on the same team.” (12:35)
• Lampoons the rich and powerful, the Illuminati, and elite conspiracy culture.
• Satirizes doomsday scientists and how public warnings create fear, paralleling comedians “teaching” stand-up.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On asteroid hype:

  “I love how you can't yell ‘fire’ in a crowded movie theater, but you can sit in front of a group of people and tell them there's an asteroid coming right at us that's gonna destroy half the fucking country.” (17:09)

• On relationship gurus:

  “All you have to do is just be nice to the person you’re married to and maybe just try chilling out and, I don’t know, being there for them—it’s amazing. Just kind of changes their whole demeanor.” (18:34)

• On Instagram advice bros:

  “It’s like manipulation. They’re going with manipulation. You’re going to try to manipulate a woman? That is an away game, brother.” (19:08)

• On partner conflict resolution:

  “She smiled, so I smiled. She goes, ‘Sorry, I’m not a morning person.’ I said, ‘Cool.’ And it was over. That was it.” (21:10)

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Key Advice Segments & Listener Letters

6. Relationship Questions: Q&A + Nia’s Cameo

Timestamps: 65:57–103:16

• Dating advice to a bike mechanic in Vietnam:

  • Burr encourages the listener to shoot his shot with a Colombian coworker visiting for a month, stressing the value of risk, bombing, and learning from rejection.
    • “Who gives a fuck if you ask this chick out and she shoots you down? All you have is a funny fucking story and an experience... That lasts way less than a lifetime sitting there going, ‘Why didn’t I ever try?’” (68:26)

• Breakup and heartbreak in youth:

  • Advice to a 20-year-old heartbroken over an older girlfriend with kids.
    • “This is a great time for you... What you’re learning to do is pick yourself up off the mat.” (78:52)

• Marriage and betrayal:

  • A dramatic letter from a man whose wife confessed (after 13 years) to cheating the night before their wedding, with Nia’s spontaneous reactions and perspective adding depth.
    • Nia: “Is that really a deal breaker? That’s the thing, though. Is she still messing around? That’s the thing—the trust is broken. So how do you repair the trust?” (94:57)
  • Burr and Nia suggest therapy, direct communication, and honest reckoning before any major decisions.

• Roommate’s sister hookup:

  • Listener dilemmas include the guilt of sleeping with a roommate’s sister and anxieties over STDs/organs, discussed with classic comedic exaggeration and a call for discretion.

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Memorable Riffs & Pop Culture Asides

• Burr muses on the changing NHL divisions, comparing the tight travel logistics of “the Adams Division” to today’s cross-country divisions. (52:03)
• Calls out NFL owners for holding cities hostage over stadium deals. (51:56)
• Recommends Ken Burns’ Vietnam and Mike Judge’s “Tales From the Tour Bus” for their honest, even-handed storytelling and outsider perspectives on American history and music.
  • “Ken Burns could do a fucking nine-part documentary on clipping your goddamn toenails and I would watch that.” (65:57)
• Explores “cancel culture,” realities of truth-telling for kids (re: Santa & the Easter Bunny), and the effects of conspiratorial thinking.
• Bill and Nia riff on Instagram “models,” social media, and relationship dynamics, blending affectionate banter with genuine advice. (91:31–96:23)

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Conclusion

As always, Burr’s rants blur the lines between stand-up, therapy, and cultural commentary. Whether dissecting hockey minutiae, handling gut-punch relationship stories, or mocking apocalyptic news, he remains both self-effacing and astute. The podcast closes with Bill and Nia playfully debating the economics of smoothie sizes and their own bedroom (and nap) preferences, providing laughs and a glimpse into the long-running success of their real-life rapport.

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Timestamps Reference Guide

• 00:14–08:14: Hockey/sports stories
• 03:07–06:12: Homeowner woes
• 08:16–10:13: Climate/heatwave rant
• 11:27–17:55: Asteroid/apocalypse riff
• 18:06–23:59: Relationship advice, social media experts
• 65:57–103:16: Listener Q&A, relationship stories, Nia cameo

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Recurring Tone & Style

Genuine, irreverent, and always unapologetic, Burr’s tone oscillates between acerbic, wise, and vulnerable, delivering hard truths with a punchline and inviting listeners to both laugh and reflect.

Notable Sign-off:
“Have a great week, you c*nts... I love all of you.” (32:59, 103:16)

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This summary captures the full sweep of Bill Burr’s “Rooms, Asteroids, Getting Along”—from laughs to life advice, it’s classic Bill, raw and unfiltered.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

It's Bill Burr and it's time for

[Bill Burr]

the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And I'm just checking in on you.

[Bill Burr]

Woo. What's going on, dude?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Oh, Billy Bruins. Oh, Billy Hockey Face. Oh, fucking Billy Dasher. Oh, you know, Dasher. And cross checks and face washes and offsides.

[Bill Burr]

I. I was on the road, so I missed out on some Bruins games.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

So I got caught up. I watched the San Jose Sharks game. I watched the Capitals, I watched the Devils, and then I watched the Habs and fucking overtime losses, dude. The fucking overtime.

[Bill Burr]

First of all, I didn't think the

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

overtime was ever going to end in the Capitals game.

[Bill Burr]

You got all the way to the

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

shootout, dude, they went to like the seventh shooter on each side.

It got to the point was like, are these guys trying?

Everybody looks tired. I will say this, getting back to the San Jose Sharks, that Celebrini kid and I, I finally looked up the stats and obviously the secret is out with that kid. Holy. Was that dude fun to watch.

[Bill Burr]

He's only 20 years old.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

It's kind of exciting if you're a San Jose Sharks fan. And dude, they wrote jerseys with the helmet mashing the shorts there. By the way, I found out why they. They went away with the Cooperalls. The pants, the slacks that the. The Flyers and the Hartford Whalers had back in the 80s. I guess when you went down, he just kept sliding. There wasn't enough friction, you know, with the socks and all of the pads down around your.

[Bill Burr]

Your shin guards. I don't know. I guess they just.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

They would wipe out and they would just keep fucking sliding, something like that. I thought it was just because they look stupid. Well, what was funny was I never questioned the hockey uniform, but when the

pants went away, I was like, why do they wear shorts?

[Bill Burr]

It's kind of weird. You're on ice, you know.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

But then when they were wearing like

a whole snow suit, it looked. It didn't look good. It looked like they were like, you know, on the bench of like an NBA team, like, wearing skates for whatever reason. So anyways, we lose to the Sharks. We beat the Capitals in overtime. We lost to the Devils in overtime, three on three. So we got a point. They got two. Devils are fun to watch. Fast team. And then we lost to the Canadiens. That was also an overtime. So we got a point or whatever. Dude, we're dogs on the road, man. We just. We can't win on the road. You know who beat us at home? Somebody beat Us at home. And that ended. I was the. The Sharks beat us at home. We had a 13 game winning streak at home, and that got snapped. But on the road, dude, like, our home record is insane, but we're on the road. Jesus, Doe. Jesus.

[Bill Burr]

You know what else is dough?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Jesus is I mentioned, you know, we got some work done in the house. And then the second we got back into the house, I still can't believe this. This guy replaced all the plumbing underneath the house. All copper pipes, you know, looking like a grill. Remember when the rappers used to get a grill? That Paul Wall guy used to make them out of Houston? Everybody had a grill, right? That's what it looked like. Like gold teeth under the house. And there was one, evidently, piece of galvanized pipe left over from when fucking Charlie Chaplin lived here. And the guy didn't replace it. We were in the house for a month and that burst flooded the whole downstairs. And now they just began doing that shit. So the demolition has begun. And I do this fucking owning a house thing is, Is wild. It, it like. It's like having kids. You can't sit down every time you sit down, dad, you know, it's the same thing owning a fucking house. Every time you think, okay, I got that settled. Everything's fucking settled. Something breaks. So now they're downstairs, they're removing some sort of tile, and they go, yeah, judging by the look of the tile,

I don't know if it was from the last remodel.

We have to do an asbestos check before we remove this. And if, you know, the asbestos comes

in positive, it's gonna be. It's gonna set us back a week.

It's just like, listen, this isn't my first rodeo, okay? I know what happens. The only time you guys are on time is when you do the fucking demo. You get in there before we have a chance to come to our senses, and you got the fucking place. All right? You got the place. And then what? And then where are we? We have a gutted room. And then what happens? Then, then, then everything just moves along at your pace, however the you want to do it. And that's how the game's played. Sorry, closing the curtains here. I still got this tennis elbow thing, man. I've been trying to rehab my way through it. You know what aggravates it? Holding the microphone. If I just keep my, my arm in that position for a while, just bothers it, you know, I got a bet with Virzi. I'm gonna be able to do 10 pull ups when I'm 70. I just was just out in the garage doing some pull ups and it ain't pretty. I did five. I don't know if they were good ones, but the first four were pretty good. So I don't know, I just gotta make sure I keep doing them. And I bought these like rope things, handles supposed to improve your grip strength. But I don't know, I don't know what that does. I need to improve my pull up strength. Some reason. They're like, oh, it's about grip strength, about grip strength. It's like that's not what gets tired. My hands don't get tired. It's my back goes.

[Bill Burr]

I don't want to do it anymore.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I just don't want to do it. You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

I just don't want to do it.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

So anyway.

Oh, Billy Freckles. Finally. All of this singing Philz and all

of that shit on, on drums is, is really getting me out of being playing between my ears and I'm actually listening to what I'm playing and I'm sort of humming some shit along. You know what's a fun one? That Lenny Kravitz, It Ain't over till It's Over. And just place every stupid fill you can think of throughout the whole song. You know, go back and forth with playing along to the song. But like, I don't know, there's just something about that song, the tempo of it or whatever. It just gives me a lot of ideas of fills and to sing. So I've been doing that and I got to do some stand up though this week because I got Utah coming up, I think on Monday. Yeah, I got Utah. And then I go to a mammoth game and then I only have one more after that. I just have the Hurricanes. I'll see the Hurricanes. I've been to a home game of every professional team in all four sports. Not saying I've been to every stadium because some of them they redid, but I've been to a home game of all of them. And I don't know, this is something I started doing in the 90s and then somewhere like 12 years later I was like, this is fucking stupid. I just want to go home because I was spending extra days out on the road and then I got married and had kids and then it kind of went away and now I just picked it up. I'm finally going to finish it because my kids are in school now. And I'll be honest with you, I'm not going to lie to you. I have no idea what it means. It meant something to me when I was a kid, you know, a kid fucking 30 years old when I first started like touring the country. But like, I don't know what it means now. I think at this point it just means, you know, I did that instead of drugs. So that, that's good, that's kind of a nice thing to do to have

anyways, if you keep in score.

[Bill Burr]

Yesterday there was two days left of

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

winter and it was 95 degrees out here. 95 degrees. And the old me used to get nervous about that, like, are they going to fucking do anything about this? But, but then, you know, the dictator signed an executive order that just said that it wasn't real. So I was like, oh, okay, now I, now I, now I feel better. So it's not real. Even though it was 95 degrees out with two days left in fucking winter. And I could tell you, I've been out here for fucking 20 years, it's never been like this. And I'm sitting there thinking like, if it's 95 in, in March, what is it going to be like, you know, come August, September, after like, you know, April, May, June, July, when it heats up at like August, oh my God, the end of August and September have always been like hot. But like in the last like few years there'll be like these 10 day heat waves where you're just sitting in 100 degree weather and it's just not moving. And then what does everybody do? They sit in their house and they crank up the AC and we use up more energy. The thing is, is I know that there's scientists out there that could come up with the solution, but the problem is there's also podcasters. So they would then lead us in the exact opposite direction for whatever reason. Or like 24 hour news networks, they would somehow politicize it. And at this point, if you can politicize pedophilia, you know, where does the environment stand? So I don't know, I don't know,

I'm just gonna fucking, you know,

[Bill Burr]

I

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

don't know, I'm just gonna fucking try

[Bill Burr]

to enjoy,

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

enjoy it while it lasts, you know, that's.

[Bill Burr]

Enjoy it while it lasts. Was that a knock at my front

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

door or is just somebody fucking knocking out some asbestos?

Well, let's take a fucking look, shall we?

[Bill Burr]

Let's see, is there anybody.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Hello?

[Bill Burr]

Hello. What was that given?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Medal of Honor.

[Bill Burr]

Ever?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Medal of Honor.

You go in that French village, he'd be crawling on your belly. And there was the German snipers and shit. And you just hear this random in the background. This guy would just go, hello. And then that became a running joke with me and my wife. We started to. Cuz she thought that was hilarious and she would, you know, she would say something to me and you know, I'd be spaced out not talk like thinking about something else. And then after she said it then she would just go, hello.

[Bill Burr]

Oh. And we used to laugh anyways.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Oh, Billy Jim Bod, Billy Jim Bod. Getting ready for the summer with one the last day of winter. Here we go, I'm ready for it.

Anyway, I was watching this scientist, not really, but like, I don't know what he is, but he was talking about some giant asteroid that's just going to miss the earth and you know, it's going to pass through this keyhole and then the next time and like when it comes BY in like 2036, it's going to be a direct hit and it's going to go right into the ocean and the entire west coast and, and like Japan and all that are going to be done and it's like,

[Bill Burr]

all right, cool man.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Thank, thank, thank you for that.

[Bill Burr]

You know.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You ever think of just like letting

some happen, considering there's nothing we can do about it?

What are you, the Chicken Little of scientists?

Such a strange act that that guy has. Just going around telling people that

[Bill Burr]

I

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

had no idea there was an asteroid that big that was gonna just miss the planet, you know, why can't I just go out like a dinosaur? Just fucking standing there and all of a sudden you look up, oh, what's that?

And then that's it, it's over.

Can't we all just have a quick death? Wouldn't that be nice? I'll tell you what's amazing is let's just say that asteroid hits, half the country would be excited that it happened, you know, because at this point they've allowed 24 hour news networks to make them hate half their fucking country because they forgot we're all on the same team.

[Bill Burr]

So that's good,

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

we got that going for us.

It was all just a bunch of fucking liberals. That wasn't no asteroid. God took a giant turd right in the fucking ocean because he even, he's sick of them liberals.

They would do that, they would do that and then the upper 1% would somehow, you know, blame poor people.

[Bill Burr]

Somehow.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I don't know how they would do it. They just fucking, they do what they do. But anyway, so that's another great advantage of living on the coast is that when this hits the fan, you get a quick death and then everybody else has to sort it out. Small town America, you know, they'll elect John Cougar Mellencamp. He'll run for office, you know, wearing like a loincloth and over one shoulder, like, furry thing.

[Bill Burr]

I was born in a small town and I can breathe in a real small town.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And if elected, I'll figure this fucking shit out.

That's what he would do, right? And they'd be like, I like this guy. He makes a lot of sense.

[Bill Burr]

Well, you know, he's kind of a

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

poor man's Bruce Springsteen.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know if you noticed, the

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

tidal wave took Bruce and the E Street Band away.

All right, John Cougar Mellon camp it is.

Wait a minute.

Who would be left? There'd be a bunch of country guys out in Nashville.

They'd be singing all these songs.

After all them Hollywood wagging their fingers at us.

Now you're drowning in the ocean because

[Bill Burr]

Jesus loves us the best. And everybody's like, yee haw. They all love that.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I don't know. Would take out Netflix and then it'd be like 90% of content would be gone. I wonder where Bill Gates would go. He lives on the ocean. Oh, Billy Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy Bill.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Oh, redacted William. I wonder where the fuck he would go. He probably knows all of that shit. That's probably what the fuck they talk about. Those Bilderberg meetings, you know, about the robots. They're gonna have to replace us. The asteroid coming at us.

[Bill Burr]

There's probably, you know. You know what I love about that shit? How the fuck do I even know

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

there is an asteroid?

[Bill Burr]

What, do I go down to a

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

sporting goods store and buy a telescope and I point it at what? Like, how do you find that thing? It's got to be hurt.

[Bill Burr]

Just I don't know.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

How fast is it going? How can you see it?

It's not lit up.

It's a fucking rock. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the poor fucking scientist that saw that shit? He's just sort of, you know, fucking killing his lower back. Looking into this telescope. He's scanning across the Milky Way, and

[Bill Burr]

all of a sudden there's this weird dark patch. Like, what the fuck is that if

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

it was a movie? You know what he does? He sits up from the telescope and looks sort of like straight, just off camera, and then looks in it again, right? And then what happens?

Then comes Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks is going to figure it out.

[Bill Burr]

And this time he's not wearing a dress. Right. He's got on a fucking.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Whatever they called if the scuba diving gear.

[Bill Burr]

But you go to space.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Space suit.

[Bill Burr]

There it is.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I love how you can't yell fire

in a crowded movie theater, but you

can sit in front of a group

of people and tell them there's an asteroid coming right at us that's gonna destroy half the fucking country.

It's gonna miss it's this time, but it'll be back in seven years. Listen, I want to thank all you guys for having me.

[Bill Burr]

This was fantastic. That guy reminds me of like a

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

comedian that teaches a comedy class, you

[Bill Burr]

know, because you're standing up there, you're

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

not talking to any professional comedians, and you're giving your opinion on stand up comedy.

What's. What's anybody gonna say?

[Bill Burr]

Nobody.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

There's like a real comic yet, so they just got to listen to what you're saying. He's like the scientist version of that.

He just.

[Bill Burr]

Up there, he's got a bunch of

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

me sitting in the crowd, like, oh,

is that what's gonna happen?

[Bill Burr]

Wow, this guy knows a lot of stuff.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Yeah, he knows some scary stuff too. He didn't seem to have any solutions.

I don't know, is there anything better than the person that figured it all out? That's my favorite, my favorite thing. And now that I'm like Billy enlightened now, been getting along with my wife really well, which is an amazing feat for me, you know, and it's just hilarious now that I kind of understand that all you have to do is just be nice to the person you're married to and maybe just try chilling out and, I don't know, being there for them, it's amazing. Just kind of changes their, their whole demeanor. All of a sudden they want to do that back to you. And then you, like, you go on Instagram, you got all these guys, none of them, none of whom have found love, by the way.

None of them are like, found their

soulmate and they are giving you advice on how to set your relationship up.

[Bill Burr]

When you get into a relationship, it's.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And what I love too is it's, it's like manipulation. They're going with manipulation. It's like you're going to try to manipulate a woman. That. That is an away game, brother. You're like, that's like you're a boxer and the other person's a brawler and you just meet him at the center of the ring and just start swinging. You don't want to do. You want to fight your fight. All right? You want to fight your fight, okay? And with women, it's all, you gotta rope a dope. That's what you gotta do. You can't. You can't meet him in the center of the ring. You can't do that shit. You just fucking. You just gotta let them punch themselves out, you know? Except you don't grab them by the back of the head and talk shit in their ear like Ali did to George Foreman. You ain't so tough, George. You don't do that. You know, that wasn't a good point, sweetheart. And you let her go. You know, you don't wanna do that.

[Bill Burr]

You just.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You just let them go. You let them run like you fit. You got fish on the line. Let the thing run.

[Bill Burr]

Let it tire itself out.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You know, bring the rod down. Crank, crank, crank, crank, crank, pull. Now you just do that.

[Bill Burr]

Very. My wife comes at me now. I just. Fuck. All right?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And then all of a sudden, their energy's high and your energy's low. Then it's just this. They feel stupid. They're up there. What you doing up there, honey? I'm down here chilling.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what you're doing.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Like, you seem like you're upset about something.

We could work this out. We had, like, three things that happened

to us that would have been like three day fights this week. And two of them didn't even happen. And then the other one lasted through drop off. She got all huffy and Puffy went out the door. I was like, all right. I did my podcast. I came back and I never engaged. Then she just looked at me and she. She smiled, so I smiled. She goes, sorry, I'm not a morning person. I shouldn't have come at you like that. I was just like, cool.

[Bill Burr]

And it was over. That was it. She goes, I don't want to fight.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I hate fighting.

[Bill Burr]

I go, I hate fighting, too.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

She goes, good.

[Bill Burr]

I said, all right.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That was great.

[Bill Burr]

I'm proud of us. That was awesome. Done.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That's it.

[Bill Burr]

And if I fuck up, I'm like, you're right. You're right. I'm an idiot.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I don't know what to tell you,

[Bill Burr]

you know, you should have married up. You didn't. You fucked up.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You married me. So I'm gonna work on that, though.

[Bill Burr]

And then it's over.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

But you watch these idiots on Instagram. They're like, you know, first thing you

[Bill Burr]

gotta tell her, I will not give up my dream for you. That was my favorite one.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That guy going like, I will love

[Bill Burr]

you, I will honor you, but I

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

will not give up my dream for you. Like, out of nowhere, she hasn't done anything. Like, the appetizer hasn't even hit the table. And you're coming out of that.

[Bill Burr]

You think there's going to be a second date?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I think the power move there for the woman right there is, you go, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

Okay, this date is over.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And in fairness to you, let's split the check.

[Bill Burr]

If you don't like that, I will, I will.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I'll pay the whole check.

If they drove you there, just Uber.

[Bill Burr]

I'm good, I'm good. Whatever this is, I respect it, but

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

it's not what I'm looking for.

[Bill Burr]

Good day, sir.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That's it.

[Bill Burr]

And he's like, well, wait a minute. I didn't get through my manipulation technique that I learned on Instagram from a guy who isn't currently in a relationship

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

and never found love. It is kind of funny, though, how all of those guys, they have like that vibe. Like, that guy is. The guy's probably pretty toxic. What is that thing? If you don't know something that you then try to explain it.

[Bill Burr]

Stand up comedy. What. What is. What is that urge?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I think we all do it. I've been guilty of that.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, you know what?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I think that is, like, right there.

[Bill Burr]

The listeners should be like, all right, this guy's just taking a guess.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I'm gonna half listen to this.

[Bill Burr]

You know, if I had to guess. You don't have to guess. You could read on it. You could read up on it. You could get back to us. Or we could all just shut the fuck up and realize that none of us has the answer. We could do that, right?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

We could do that.

Anyway, I gotta get going here. I got shit to do, man. I don't got time to fucking hang out with you guys. I really wish I did. I want to thank everybody again who came out to Austin. By the way, that movie I was telling you about, Plant man and Blondie, won a writer's award at south by Southwest, which was totally deserving of. God damn it. That movie stayed with me. I hope it gets a distributor soon. And I can tell you guys where it is playing because I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

I got to promote a couple some

[Bill Burr]

stand updates coming up.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

North Carolina. I'll be performing at the Durham Performing arts Center on April 8th for two shows. First show sold out September. Still some tickets left for the second one. Excited for that. And Rhode island, once voted the most Illiterate state in the Union. I don't know if that's true. Will be. I'll be at the Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket on June 12th. That sort of World cup adjacent type of thing there.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what it is, but

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I'm going to be up there and probably going by Al Drew's Drum if that place is still around in. Was it Cranston Woonsocket? I forget where the hell it was.

I used to go down there when I had my old Slingerland kit.

Anyway, I'm going to be there June 12th with Tony V. Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket and North Carolina Durham performing arts center April 8th. Come on out, man.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Simply Safe if you're like me, I hope you're not. You're desensitized to dozens of notifications on

your phone each day.

But if that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody's breaking in that piece of shit. But you're giving a huge presentation at work. You got your fucking little flashlight.

[Bill Burr]

You're pointing at a squeegee board, whatever

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

the fuck you call those things, those. Those erasable boards. You know, you're at the movies. You're on a flight at 30,000ft. You'll see the footage in a couple hours, but by then it's too late. They took your headphones and your fucking,

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, your underwears.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That's why I choose Simply Safe. Simply Safe is customizable whole home security system backed by 24, seven monitoring agents. I can rely on to act even when I can't. Traditional security systems only act after someone has broken into the house. Hey, bring that back. That's too late. Simplisafe's Active Guard outdoor protection can help break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simplisafe comes with no long term contract. They'll earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They are so confident in the protection they provide, they even back it with an anti theft guarantee. I'm not the only one. SimpleLife protects over 4 million every day. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Right now my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting simplisafe.com burr that's simplisafe.com burr. There's no safe like Simplisafe policy. Genius. What does the springtime inspire in you?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Short shorts, Italian ice. Did you start clearing out a closet or prepping the garden and realize you wanted to clean up your long term to do list. Did the first warm day make you reflect on how much you wanted to protect the life you're building? Now that you've settled into the new year, do you feel a renewed sense of responsibility and urgency to protect what matters most? Policygenius is an online insurance marketplace that allows you to compare quotes from America's top insurers side by side for free. Their license teams help you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life easily. Find what you need Coverage amounts, prices, terms. No guesswork, just clarity. Policygenius helps you find the most affordable policies that meet your needs and they answer questions, handle the fucking paperwork and advocate you throughout the process. Policygenius has over 5,000 wait has thousands of five star reviews on Google and Trustpilot from customers who found the best policy fit for their needs. Protect the life you built with policygenius you can see if you can find if you can find 20 year life insurance policies that start at just 276 bucks a year for $1 million in coverage, head to policygenius.com Bill Burr to compare the insurers insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save that policygenius.com Bill Burr sorry policygenius.com Bilber all right true Work T R U E W E R K Winter job sites don't mess around man. Freezing mornings, wet condition, fucking balls chapped against your legs. Wind that cuts right through your cheap gear. You need workwear that performs when it's brutal out there. TrueWerk builds performance workwear like it matters, because it does. Founded by a trade professional who was done with soaking wet heavy gear slowing him down, Truewerk set out to make workwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable and ready for whatever the day throws at them. While brands like Cardhart and Dickies focus on traditional cotton based gear that gets heavy when wet shots fired. True Work uses advanced performance fabrics originally developed for extreme outdoor conditions, now engineered specifically for trade work designed with moisture wicking, wind resistant and insulated fabrics that keep you comfortable and mobile all day even in the harshest winter conditions. Every piece is tested on real job sites with trade pros before it even goes to market. When winter hits hard, you're still ready to work, not fighting your gear. Over 50,000 5 star reviews from pros in every trade and climate and real feedback from electricians, plumbers and contractors working through brutal winters. Don't let cheat gear slow you down this winter. Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first [e-mail] with code BUER that's T R U E W E R K.com all right, last one. Fast growing trees Man, I love this shit. You can grow food inside your house.

Listen to this.

Did you know the fast that Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers?

[Bill Burr]

Well, did you?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

If you didn't listen up. They have all the plants for you.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Or your home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees. You fucking perverts. Flowering trees, shrubs and houseplants all grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Whatever you're looking for. Fast Growing Trees helps you find options that actually work for your climate, space and lifestyle. Fast Growing Trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. Just click order grow and get healthy thriving Plants to deliver it right to your door. They're alive and thrive guarantee promises that your plants arrive happy and healthy. No green thumb required. Just quality plants you can count on. Plus get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plans and learn how to care for them every step of the way.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You don't need a big yard or a lot of space.

[Bill Burr]

You can grow. Listen to this shit.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoor indoors along with a wide variety of houseplants all grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. That's fucking amazing because it's 95 degrees

[Bill Burr]

out with two days left in winter.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You might want to start moving indoors like we live on the moon.

Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden. Right now they have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off and selected plants and listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when they use the Code Burr.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I got a friggin phone call there

and 20% off to show our and listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the Code Burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing at fast growingtrees.com using code burr B U R R at checkout fast growing trees.com Burr Now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use Burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

[Ad Read Voice]

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[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

All right, that's the podcast. Everybody listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Femelis. Then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast after this. Have a great weekend, your cunts.

[Bill Burr]

I love all of you.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Thank you so much for coming out to my shows and, you know, giving me a great life. All right, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

Go yourself. Bye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday 19th, 2018. What's going on?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

How are you?

[Bill Burr]

Is that loud enough of my ears shot? What's going on? I'm really. I'm super late. I apologize. I apologize to anybody I may have offended. Rolex Americans, anybody indigenous to the clock world, you know, I'm sorry. Original. I learned that when I was up in Canada. They do not want to be called indigenous. They want to be called the originals. The. Oh, geez, the OGs of this shit. That's what they want to be called. Pre provinces, you white motherfuckers. I believe that's what they said. Except they said it with a drum. No, they didn't. Do they, the originals up in Canada. Do they communicate through drums, too? You know, so funny. Once white people got their hands on it, all of a sudden all communication just stopped with that instrument. Well, that's because we invented the fucking phone, you dumb fuck. Hey, keep it fucking classy there. Sorry. I'm in a fucked up mood. I flew back from Toronto late last night. I was in Kitchener, or Kitchener. Have no idea. Came up with a great fucking touristy T shirt for those people out there. All right, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the Kitchener, huh? They need something. They need some swagger out there because everybody was giving me shit. Why? Why are you playing all the way out? There we go. First of all, I was just in Toronto. And then secondly, those people like entertainment too. But now they got to drive an hour and a half all the way in. They got to pay for parking if they're gonna booze now they got to get a room and all of a sudden becomes this big fucking deal. So I like going to places like Kitchener and Hamilton, that casino on the other side of Detroit. And then there was that other one, that Casino Rama, that gig where I left the rental car. Ever tell you guys that fucking story? I left a rental car there, man. We went out, we did the show. I'm not naming any names in this one, okay? Me and some friends of mine, okay? Not my usual friends. These friends were readers. These were big readers. And they never predicted anything, okay? They didn't predict someone was gonna be a Hall of Famer after one at bat. It was not anybody like that. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Anyways, so we were up there, Casino Rama. And we drove up from someplace else. I can't remember. We've done a couple gigs out there and like March Madness was going on or some sort of ladies hockey for some medal or some shit, I can't remember what. And we went out, did the show and we went out and got fucking hammered. Hammered knowing that we had an early flight and then I had to return this rental car. So we keep looking at the watch guys, you know, we kind of got to be up at 5:00am, it's, it's midnight, it's five hours sleep. One more, one more, blah, blah, blah. Next year, we got it. We got in, I swear to God, at like three in the friggin morning and I am hammered. Did I mention I was drunk? I was fucking hammered. So wake up like two hours later, you know, with a bunch of snacks open from the hotel bar. One of those nights, you know, trying to get down, like another whiskey. I maybe got one swig out of it. Like Denzel in that movie where he flies the plane upside down, he somehow overcomes losing his rear stabilizer. The first guy ever in the history of aviation. And then I, you know, open can of Pringles and a Kit Kat, I think. So I stumble downstairs, right where, you know, and we get in the fucking car, right? I'm still fucking hammered. I'm like, guys, I'm too fucking drunk to drive. And they're like, dude, the airport's right down the street. This is how every fatal drinking and driving story happens. It's right down the street. So we look at our fucking gps. Cause we're still, we're still on the hotels

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

thing there.

[Bill Burr]

And we were trying to memorize it because none of us got a plan when we were up there. Well, wouldn't you know, we leave the hotel's airspace and we can't figure out where we're going, It's. It's low visibility, it's still pitch blackout. And now we have no map. I don't know where I'm at. And we're all hammered. And I was just like, dude, I can't do this. So we literally got like a quarter mile down the street, turn back around, go back to the hotel. We say, listen, dude, because we kind of, you know, hit it off with the guy behind the fucking the counter that. Can you do us a favor? You know what? Can you. Is there any way you can return this rental car? The guy goes, no problem, no problem.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

We'll call you a cab.

[Bill Burr]

I got my buddy, he'll come down, he'll return the fucking thing, blah, blah, blah, no problem. So now we're sweating it, right? But turns out the pilots and shit are also waiting for a car, and we were on their flight or whatever somehow, so I can't remember. It's all fucking foggy. So we end up getting there. We make the flight back laughing our asses off. Hey, we did it. You know, what a good shit. That guy returns the fucking car. What an awesome guy, right? And I pass out on the plane and I wake up in LA like nothing ever happened. So I fucking. Maybe like three weeks later, I get this phone call from the rental company and they were like, yeah, Mr. Burr, you ever gonna return that rental car? I told this story wrong. I shouldn't told you that. I left it to the hotel guy. I had completely forgot. I didn't even. That's how drunk I was. I don't even remember that part where I said that I was gonna fucking. That I told the guy at the hotel, and I was like, yeah, return it. Returned like three weeks ago. And at this point, I've done like three more road gigs, so I don't even remember it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I did. How did you get my number? You keep my number. I was all about me. So they start badgering me in my fucking world, and I'm just like, you know, have like the fourth or fifth phone call. I was like, listen, stop calling me. I returned the rental car. Stop calling me on my cell phone. I'm at work. And blah, blah, blah. And then just one time, I don't know what happened. Like the sixth time they called me, something just clicked. I was like, wait a minute, was that that gig where I was hammered and there were clouds on the ground and I. The guy behind the counter said he was gonna. Or some people called Fog. We're Gonna fucking return the rental car. Oh, fuck. So I had to call after yelling at these people, had a call up be like, yeah, listen, I'm the guy you called like six times ago. I got really drunk and try to drive, but I couldn't. The guy at the hotel said he was gonna bring it back. I don't think he did. They ended up fucking going down, that the car was still sitting there. I had to pay a month's rental on that thing. I can't even fucking tell you how much money that cost me. But whatever. That's not the big news. The big news as announced by Barstool Sports. Remember I was telling you Rough and Rowdy was gonna be a juggernaut and I would just blah, blah, blah that and I thought it was just the greatest friggin idea ever. It's literally, it's like American Idol meets the ufc. All those people that think they can fucking sing and want to prove it

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

and then look what happens.

[Bill Burr]

Some of them come out of there and they win Grammys. So who knows, maybe one of these people when there's Rough and Rowdy thing, could actually someday get in the UFC house, right? And then, then next thing you know, fucking he's on one of those pay per views. But until then, they're at the Barstool Sports Rough and Rowdy number tree, twa. And I'm actually going to be ringside throwing in some jokes. You guys got to get this, man, you have to get this fucking pay per view. I'm telling you, I'm going to be making fun of people. I'm going to be making fun of myself. It's, it's $15.99 to watch regular people beat the shit out of each other. You know what I mean? It's the greatest thing, greatest thing of all time. This is like, there's certain things you just see coming. You're like, this is going to be fucking huge. I, the second I saw this, it's like, I'm going to watch every fucking one of these things. And I don't know, I was just talking positively about it. And then Barstool reached out to me with an email and they're like, you want to do this? I was just like, yeah, fuck yeah. Absolutely. So I'm gonna be there. So tune in. Let me see if I can get you the date here. I'm so fucking excited about this. I can't even tell you when the hell is it going to be. I'm the worst. Does anybody promote shit worse than me? I Know that it's going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. April 13th. It's going to be April 13th. Charlotte, North Carolina, former hometown of the nature boy, Ric Flair. I mean, everything's just. This is serendipity. It's all fucking lining up. I can't wait. So please, you and your friends, order the goddamn fight. Get yourself some beers, and who knows, maybe you watch, you'll get inspired, and the next time you'll be on it. That's just that easy. You ever wanted to be on tv? Try to knock somebody out? Finally, there's a vehicle for you. So, anyways, why are you so late today, Bill? Well, I had a busy day. I flew back from Toronto after two awesome shows in Kitchener. They're definitely. They're on the tour list now. They have such awesome people there, a great venue, and so I flew back late at night because I wanted to be, you know, get home late at night. So when my daughter woke up the next day, I was gonna be there. You know what I mean? Because of what I do, you know, I missed some days sometimes, you know? So, like, literally, the UPS guy comes walking up the walk, and she's pointing, going, dada, Dada. Like, I can't handle that. I have too much fucking guilt over it, all right? However, I do have to provide for my family. So anyways, I. I hung with my daughter in the morning, and then I had this meeting from 10 to 12, and then when I came back, my wife told me that she was going to take our daughter to go see the Easter Bunny. And I was like, well, I don't want to miss that. So I went over there and, you know, last year she was fine because she was only, like, you know, four or five months old. And this year she's like, you know, coming up on a year and a half or whatever. And, you know, I just felt this vibe. I was just. She was looking at the person in this outfit, and I'm just looking at it, like, I don't know about this one, right? So we're trying to be like, hey, and the bunny's waving at her, and. And I went up and I'm shaking the rabbit's hand and stuff, like, see, it's safe. It's not cutting my head off. And she's just looking at the rabbit like, I don't know about this, man. She's like that dude in Platoon. I got a bad feel about this, man. So we bring her up there and immediately, like, I go to kind of hand her to the. To the fucking dude in the bunny suit. And I just feel her just grab 2 handfuls of my T shirt, like, oh, no. And then I was like. She started screaming. And then I handed it to my wife. My wife ended up having to sit down with her with the rabbit. She's totally crying, totally freaked out and all that. And the whole time I'm just sitting there going, why do we do this to kids? Why am I doing this? And freaking this kid out with a fucking person in a goddamn bunny suit. It makes no sense to the kid. And at the end, at the end of all of this horseshit, it's a fucking lie. The whole thing is a fucking lie. And then one day you got to turn around and tell your kid it's not real and it's just a selfish adult thing because you love your kids so much, you wanted to see them get excited, you know, and you grew up and you saw how mean and cold hearted the world is. You just want to see him believe in something. And then just early on, you just break their trust by telling them that there's these people that come by. Some of them are animals and, I mean, some of them are fairies and all of this. But then what do you do? Do you tell your kid that they don't exist and then they go to school to come to school like some grizzled vet? Yeah. Let me tell you something, kids. It's all right. Just telling all these kids that the bunny doesn't exist and Santa Claus doesn't exist, and then everybody's getting mad at your kid. It's a great life lesson, actually, for your kid. That's what happens when you tell the truth. Oh, he's on his stump right now. Yeah. If you ever want to get yelled at that, there you go. Send your kid to school with the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny. And you just say to your kid, just say, listen. And everybody talks about reading to your kid, trying to give him a head start and all that. Why don't you give him a head start and not tell him about all of that? One of my relatives did that with one of my nephews, you know, and the kid grew up fine. They just sat up down like, yeah, listen. It's all bullshit, you know, I remember when I found out, my older brother told me, and he felt betrayed. And when he told me, I felt like an adult. I was like, no way. Is that what. You know, thanks for the heads up. Then I sat there and kept my mouth shut like an old school mobster. I never told My. My other brother never said shit. I just sat there, oh, yeah, he's coming right down that fucking chimney. Then I sit there laughing, listen to my younger brothers telling me stories. I saw a slay go right off the roof. Oh, did you? You lying piece of shit. You know, and let me know. Let me know who they really were. I learned who I could trust in my family, having that inside information. I think that's why they're trying to get that Alexa in everybody's house, so then they can tell, you know, who they can trust and who they can't trust. And not really for a good reason either. You know, they're as corrupt as I am, except they're running shit. I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. I lied to you guys earlier. I didn't have a meeting from 10 to 12. What I did was I went out and I flew out to Camarillo and then down the coast along Malibu on one of the most perfect days ever, while the whales are migrating. Okay? I should have literally had, like, yoga. Yoga music playing in my headset. It was. It was unbelievable. It's unbelievable. So, I don't know. Whatever. Sorry. Okay, you got me. I apologize. And we were supposed to take our kid. I'm gonna be totally honest with you guys. And I was supposed to take the kid to see the Easter Bunny tomorrow, and then my wife's schedule flip flopped around, and it was more convenient for her to go today. It was more convenient for us to go tomorrow, but it's more convenient for her to go today. So what do you think happened? You know what happened. God damn it.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

You know exactly what happened.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I went to a Toronto Raptors game, by the way, on the Sunday, and I went to that okc game. The game was like fucking 132 to 126. Something crazy like that was almost like an All Star Game score. And we had great seats and all of that stuff. It just was fucking awesome. Great fan base, too. Jesus Christ. I knew you guys loved the Leafs, but obviously Toronto's doing great this year. But it's a really fun game to watch. And that knocked off. Now, I've seen every professional Canadian team a home game in them except for the goddamn fucking Ottawa Senators. And every time I schedule something to go see one of their games, something comes up and I can't make it. All right. First time, unfortunately, one of my great friends in life passed away, and I had to go to the funeral and all that, so that's understandable. All right? And the second time, it was just like, all right, I'm flying in two days early. I'm a dad now. I'm going to miss 48 hours with my daughter to go to a fucking Ottawa Senators game. I couldn't justify it, so I canceled that. So it's really has nothing to do with Ottawa or their franchise or any of that type of shit, but I believe that they're actually making a new. New arena. Isn't that unbelievable? It's like, what is wrong with the other one? The other one is totally fine. That's like the Atlanta Braves moving out of their totally perfectly fine baseball stadium. The Atlanta Falcons moving out of their totally perfectly fine fucking dome. Like, what are we doing? And then they take. What. What do they do with all of that material once they. Not. Someone should make a fucking documentary on that. When they knock down a stadium, that works fine, all right, but the owners are like, if you don't do it, I'm gonna move the team. Fucking move them, you fat fuck. I'm sick of seeing cities being held hostage by these fucking crybaby owners, especially the NFL. Those. Such a great game. Such a crew of cunts, though, that runs it. How much more money do those assholes need to me need to make before they'll pony up for a stadium, you

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

know, without threatening everybody, that they're gonna

[Bill Burr]

walk out knowing full well that most people are like me and they don't

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

read, they don't have any other passions,

[Bill Burr]

they got nothing else going on in their life, knowing full well that if they. The politicians would be like, well, if we let this fucking thing go, I'm not going to get voted into office. I mean, Bob Kraft, even though he ponied up money for the stadium, he was going, oh, I'm gonna bring it down to Connecticut. Him and his dumb fucking loafers. I love the guy. There's two things that happened in the. Well, there's a bunch of things that happened. My history as a Patriot fan that bugged me. Bill Parcells telling the team that he was allegedly. That he was going to. He wasn't coming back the next year before we played the Green Bay Packers. That's why I've still yet to watch the two Bills, okay? Because somebody who was not connected to the football team told me a long time ago that he did that. And I believed it back then, the way I believed that there was a Santa clau. Bill Parcells has the same body type as Santa Claus. And the whole thing comes together, and I've just never been able to fucking forgive the guy for something that I'm not even sure if he even did. Okay, um, what else? When Bob Kraft said he was going to move him to Connecticut, that was fucking annoying. We should have let him do it. Go ahead, move to Connecticut. Move into the fucking Hartford Whalers old building. See if you can make it work down there. You can't make anything work in fucking Connecticut. They're too divided. You know, some are Giant fans, some are Patriot fans, some are dirt poor. The others are in the Illuminati and there's some clan members. I mean, think about that. What. What fucking product can you sell that's going to appeal to all of those people? There's a reason why Connecticut lost the Wailers. They deserved it. No, I'm just kidding. I was actually talking to somebody when I was up in Canada that, like, what was great about the fucking hockey divisions when I was a kid, when I was just a lad? The Adams Division and the Patrick's Division. If you had a fucking car, you could literally drive to every road game your team had within its division, you could probably get there within, you know, a couple of hours. Except for the Quebec Nordics. They were way the up there. They jumped on a plane. They were all just like, fly to Montreal, fly to Buffalo, drive down to Hartford. Then you had the Nord. It was Nordics, the Canadians, the Sabers, the Whalers and the Bruins. Then. I feel like I'm missing somebody. That was so long ago. And then the Patrick Division, you had the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers, in the Capitals. All five of them were right there. And then the road trip, the long one was Pittsburgh. All of them right fucking there. It's like when you used to see, like those. Those things they do on, like, you know, back in the day when baseball was all on, like the east coast, essentially, and they would just take trains. And there was two teams in Boston, three teams in New York, two teams in Philly. The Philadelphia Athletics, the Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Yankees, formerly the New York Highlanders, formerly the original Baltimore Orioles, then the new Baltimore orioles, formerly the St. Louis Browns. Isn't it amazing? I know all of this shit and can't do fucking simple math and have no idea what's going on in the world. I tried to get a little smarter, though. On the flight back. I watched this. Ken Burns did this whole thing on Vietnam, and I watched one that was basically 1970 to 1971. And what I loved about the documentary is he does not spare the Horrors of all of those people that just showing the dead bodies and all of that shit and just like. Just done so evenhandedly. People who protested the war. As one Marine was saying, like, I had no problem with people protesting the war. You know, that's one of the great things about this country and all that type of stuff. But like those people that were like yelling at him and punching his car and all that, like they took it too far. And I found that really interesting, you know, that you can, you can because we're kind of, I feel like we're living that right now to the left. Except for some reason they're not protesting this never ending fucking war that is bankrupting this country because the people in power geniusly have sold this one that if you criticize it, you don't support troops and you're a socialist. Slash, I think you're in isis. I think that's the way it goes. If you're even just as an American going like, hey man, like I'm down with this country and stuff, but we're spending a billion dollars a month to fight 3,500 people on a jungle gym, that train on a jungle gym. Like, that's just from a business standpoint. How are we going to continue to sustain this? If you just even ask that, that's immediately put into the. You don't support the troops, you don't appreciate people fighting for your freedom, you're a piece of shit. Let's ruin your career. And I feel that they learned that in Vietnam when they kind of learned that if they lost the. Obviously you lose the public support, eventually you're going to lose the fucking war. In watching these people giving these speeches so we don't end up at another Vietnam and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And then just seeing some of these hippies acting like me too people, you know, totally just taking it too far, that if somebody even looks like their whole life should just fucking be destroyed. You know what I mean? One person tries to look up a skirt as somebody's walking up a stairs, you know, flight of stairs. All of a sudden they're doing jello shots with Harvey Weinstein out in some godforsaken place in fucking Arizona. I got a great reality show. You have Harvey Weinstein and O.J. simpson. They do a road trip, right? And they got, it's like they got. They start in LA and they got 36 hours to get to Atlanta to pick up Paula Deen. It's like the gumball rally, you know, and then she, because then she has to go into this big brother house and decide whether or not she wants to marry Dog the bounty hunter. I'm just, I'm just throwing this out there like this is just a. And I want to host it and have all these dumb events like that guy in Survivor that screams at everybody. My wife always watches Survivor and I just can't. That's so fucking. I get so much anxiety, you know, Blue team slowing down. They need to hurry up. It's like, shut the fuck up. We know what we need to do. You explain the game, you fucking shredded cunt. He is in great shape for the amount of, you know, he's got to be sick of it, though. I. I feel like with that guy, every. I feel like for me, I feel every fucking season he gets a little more angry because at some point, I mean, it's just a finally oiled machine, but like, he sort of has stopped growing as a person because now he's stuck in Groundhog Day. And it's just like. And they do it like they've been on the air for like 18 years and they're like in their 50th season. Like, I don't know how many times this poor bastard has to fly to a fucking island in Fiji and yell at people about, you know, how they need to bring a plate of fucking peas, you know, while walking on some fire, whatever the fuck it is that that guy does. Can you imagine just. Just sitting there trying to think of another fucking thing that they have? I don't know. I have no idea. It's like that American Ninja was American Ninja Warrior, which, I love that show too, but it's just like every fight, I think somebody's got to sit there and think of a. Something that requires even more grip strength. I swear to God, by the time they get in their 50 season, you're gonna have to be doing pull ups, you know, only holding on with your feet. The people who train for that thing, you know, you're gonna have a whole generations are gonna continue to train for that thing. I swear to God, our big toe is gonna start sliding down the left side of your foot. Or the right side of your foot, depending on which one you're looking at. You're gonna have thumbs again, like a ape. By the way, I saw one of the best YouTube videos. You know, they do like those mashups, you know, And a lot of times you just. You just pick two songs that are the same tempo, right? And you just take the music out of one. You take the lyrics together, you Slam them together. I know. You know, maybe speed it up a little bit, but somebody did Rats Round and round with Marvin Gaye. I heard it through the grapevine. Check on the Twitter page. We just posted it. Or we have it posted by the time this is up. And just the way it fits is incredible. Like it actually sounds right. And then I was. I don't know what the fuck. I was just on YouTube looking at a bunch of videos, and I somehow found this band where this guy does this impression of Michael McDonald and he's singing Iron Maidens Run to the Hills, but it's totally sung like Michael McDonald. And the. The music that they wrote sounds like a Michael McDonald song. Like it doesn't. Because I was sitting there listening going, how the fuck do I know this song? Just like the white man came across the sea he brought us pain and misery. I won't torture you anymore. Killed our cow, took our game. I said he took our game for his own need. You gotta listen to music underneath it. It sounds like right around the time when he was working with Steely Dan doing all of that. Whoever would have thought that some band could sit there and write some blue eyed soul to Iron Maiden? All right, with that. Let me do a little. We'll post that one too. I would probably already have it posted by the time you listen to this. Right? All right, hang on a second. Hang on a second. All right. I could do the reads here for the week. I gotta do the reads here for the week. All right. Oh, my God. Speaking of Vietnam. Speaking. Speaking of Vietnam. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. How fucking weird is that? You know, who would have thought. Who would have thunk that I would talk about Ken Burns. Vietnam, by the way, I have to watch Ken Burns. I swear to God, Ken Burns could do a fucking nine part documentary. Unclipping your goddamn toenails. And I would watch that, all right? Because he would. Somehow it would be fascinating. And speaking of amazing television that I watched when I was on the plane, let me make sure I get the name of the show right. I watched that new Mike Judge animated show. What is it? Tour Bus. From the Tour Bus. Has anybody watched that yet? He basically talks to all these fucking lunatic outlaw country singers, okay? And they tell stories about being out on the road. I don't. I. I've yet to go. I've yet to see one where somebody didn't pull a gun on somebody. Three out of four that I watched, the people involved actually shot the other person. One got off, one went to jail. I'm Telling you, the ones I watch, I watched the Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Paycheck, and then there was this guy, Billy Joe something or other. And there was one other one that I watched. They were unbelievable. And, you know, if Mike Judge is doing it's going to be quality make Beavis and Butthead office space. Oh, Christ, what's the name of this King of the hill? Jesus Christ, My brain's going to go to mush. Idiocracy, which a lot of people didn't see because it went straight to fucking. You know, this is a little too accurate anyways. I cannot say enough about that show. I have to watch every fucking one of those. And you're really seeing, like, basically an America that no longer exists. Half the shit that they do. It's like, dude, there's no fucking way you could do that now. Just with all the cell phone cameras and all of that, and. And you just peer into the way, I don't know, the way men, an extreme version of an American male thought back in the day, the way they handled shit, their thought process, it just was just. I can't even like, on like 20 different fucking levels. That show is unbelievable. You have to watch it. The guy's on his tr. Got one of these. I'll ruin one thing. This guy is on trial for shooting this guy in the face, okay? And the judge goes, well, couldn't you just ran away or walked away saying he didn't have to do it, basically. And the guy looks at the judge, he's like. He's like, buddy, I'm from Texas. We don't run. Says that at his own fucking trial. Anyways, I don't know. I'm butchering it. You got to see it. The part where fucking Jerry Lee Lewis considers driving over Liberace so there'd be, quote, one less piano playing motherfucker that he had to compete with. Just imagine that. Animated.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

That's.

[Bill Burr]

I. It's. It's incredible show. Incredible show. And I resent every podcast listener for not telling me that it existed. You probably did. I just missed the emails. All right, okay, here we go. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. Hey there, Mr. Billy O. Rice Ball. I found your podcast last year and have been listening ever since. I'm currently a bike mechanic at a local shop here in Hanoi. Vietnamese born and raised. Well, I bet you get a ton of work. Everybody rides bikes over there, right? And I'm basing that on Hollywood movies that I've seen. All right. Actually, Tom Rhodes always does gigs over there and tells me how beautiful it is. And Tom Rhodes is going to be in Vietnam. He was telling me in the next couple of months, I believe. At least this year. I forget what the date is. All right. I recently met the loveliest Colombian lady. Oh, they're beautiful, beautiful women in the world at the shop. And I am smitten. I don't doubt it. Problem is she's only going to be here for one month before continuing to the next destination on our world tour.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

And what better time for you to get.

[Bill Burr]

Get in there in between those guys. I'm sorry. Have a nice romance. She's covering for my fellow co worker who's on a trip of her own, traveling across the country. I'm happy enough to have a month to spend with her. I don't care if she's going to be gone forever afterwards. I have no idea what to do, though. Always have been with women, I've got no game. I'm always a bit needy. Oh, that's a bad one. Not knowing what to say is easy. That's easy. You just. You got to start bombing like a comedian. Like the way a person learns how to become a comedian. You just write some shit, you don't know if it's funny. You go up there, you fucking, you know, lose on nine out of 10, but you keep that one and you build off of that and then eventually you have an act. All right. Needy. You can't be needy. I'm a bit needy and I'm constantly doubting myself. All right, well, I'm with you on the second one. And whether or not she likes me, I know it's a good thing to do and I should stop thinking that way, but it's not easy for me. I guess I need some words of advice and encouragement. Thank you very much. And go hug yourself. I would. You just. You just gotta. The thing about doubting yourself and being needy and all of that and just being filled with doubt and no confidence is that is. That's one of those things where, when you're really young, the sooner you address that, the better your life is going to be. Okay. Because that, that you're so young at this point, that it's not. I don't think it's. It just doesn't have its mitts in you. Like if you try to deal with it in your late 30s the way I did. So. And then you find out all this shit you were afraid of that you thought was, I gotta walk up this mountain, it's. Was this. It was like stepping up onto a curb. So first of all in a good way. Who gives a. If you ask this chick out and she shoots you down? Who gives a fuck? You. All you have is a funny fucking story and an experience. Asking a woman out, especially if you think she's out of. Out of your league, that's even better. You know, anything you want to do, you got it. You got to play with people that are better than you if you want to get better. Playing sports, you know, Like, I remember this guy was telling me about, as far as, like, getting together, if you play an instrument, jamming with people, like when we were kids, it always be like, hey, we should jam. Well, how long you been playing? Well, I've been playing four years. Oh, I've only been playing a year. I can't play. You'll be too good. It's like, no, you should go play with them, because they're gonna. They're gonna pull you up. All right? So it's the same thing with this thing. You got this beautiful Colombian woman. She's gonna be leaving soon. So first of all, the fact that there's gonna be no relationship beyond this. There's gonna be no pressure. So the level of fun that you guys can have is gonna be ridiculous. So I would just start hitting on her personally. Just make subtle comments. Just tell us. She. Whatever she's wearing, tell her she looks good. She asks, I don't know, should I wear this? I know you always. You look good and everything.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Really?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I think you're beautiful just like that. And fuck, all these fucking women, too, are gonna be good. You're harassing her at work. Fuck off. Okay?

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

He's a guy.

[Bill Burr]

He. At some point, he has to get off the wall and try and make something happen, okay? It'd be one thing if women hit on guys. Then we could sit there and be like, don't talk about my pecs like that. God, stop complimenting me. I'm not saying to be a creep, all right? But you got to let her know

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

that you like her.

[Bill Burr]

So that's what I would do. I would just compliment her, make her laugh. Be. Just be in a good. Just be a funny, chill fucking person, all right? Don't be overly aggressive. Don't be fucking needy. All of that shit freaks him the fuck out. Just freaks them out. They run in the other fucking direction. So I don't know. I don't know if you got a sense of humor or whatever. It seems like you do, the way you wrote this shit. And a lot of people that are needy and doubt themselves are Funny people. Okay, so I compliment her. Be a little self deprecating about yourself. Then she goes, no, I think you look good. Blah, blah, blah. And then she takes a step in your direction and then just fucking go from there. And then just one day, just look at her say, hey, listen, I know you're only going to be here for like a month, but I really like you. I think you're beautiful and I'd love to go out with you. Let's go hang out. Let's go do something. I'll fucking. I'll see that pile of shit over there. I'll turn that into a bicycle. I'll put you on the handlebars. I'll drive you around. Go see a movie or some shit. Who gives a fuck what she says? I'll tell you what, if she says no, that is gonna hurt way less than for the rest of your fucking life sitting there going, you know, why the fuck did I ever try to fucking ask that Colombian chick out? That that lasts a lifetime. A woman shooting you down, like, all you gotta do. You know how long that lasts? That lasts as long as however long it takes to call one of your friends to tell them the funny story. Back when I started off as a comedian, I swear to God I was bombing so much that it got to the point while I was bombing, I was already thinking about calling Patrice and telling him the story and listening to him laugh at me because it used to always make me feel better. Or Dane or Bobby or any of those other guys that I started out with. And like, all the humiliation, it was almost like, oh, good, I'm bombing. I have a funny story to tell those other guys. And it stopped being, like, a negative thing. So there you go. I don't want to fucking oversell you on this shit, but good for you. You're young, you're in a beautiful country, and a beautiful woman's gonna be there for a month. Fucking, you're supposed to have fun. All right? So there you go. Good luck to you, sir. All right, Thelma and Louise. All right. I mentioned last. Last podcast that me and Nia sat down and watched that movie and how. How incredible a movie that is. How poignant it is now. You could almost look at a Thelma Louise. Like, it was warning. All of these people now they got these YouTube cases that they had fucking had enough and that they're sick because literally every, like, strain of different type of creepy guy or lying or whatever the you want to call it, and held up really well. And then I was talking about that. Christopher McDonald's, who plays Daryl. What? What? That guy just blew me away. All right. He said. Bill, regarding your mention of Thelma louise on the March 12 Monday Morning podcast, a couple of things I learned about that movie from the book off the Cliff. How the Making of Thelma and Louise Drove Hollywood to the Edge by Becky Aikman. Drove it to the edge. I don't know about that. The movie was almost made with Jody Foster and Michelle Pfeiffer in the lead roles. Isn't that amazing? After they cast it and then you try to picture new people in there, you're like, that wouldn't have worked. You know, both of them incredible actresses. You're like, that. Why the fuck would you put them in there? Krista McDonald, who played Thelma's husband Daryl, has been engaged to Geena Davis at one time, a few years before the movie. Oh, wow. He also nearly stole the movie by improvising a lot of his role, much to the amusement of director Ridley Scott. Yeah, I thought he was. If you watch Harvey Keitel, he's literally just laughing when watching the. What this guy's doing. 3. The role of hunky cowboy originally went to Stephen Baldwin. I didn't know that. Who backed out at the last second to be in Backdraft. That's understandable. I probably got a bigger role. Five actors were brought back to audition with Geena Davis. Four brunettes and an unknown blonde named Brad Pitt. Davis loved Pitt and he ended up getting the job. Years later, Davis found herself on a plane seated next to George Clooney. Clooney made a comment about Pitt stealing a role from him when they were both getting started in the business. Turns out it was the Thelma and Louise part.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No way.

[Bill Burr]

I love this shit. We should do more of this on the podcast. George was one of the four brunettes, and Davis had never known it. Wow. What the fuck airline is that? It's definitely not Southwest Group B, I can tell you that right now. All right. Also just saw the Ricky Gervais Netflix special Humanity. In it, he has a nice bit after the 40 minute mark about intolerance, especially related to comedy. There's another segment right after the one hour mark where he discusses rape jokes and people's reaction to them. Would have crossed the border to See you in Kitchener tonight, but after all, it is St. Patrick's Day and there are bar crawls and drinking etiquettes to be observed. Erin go bra. You albino. You albino. Fucking leprechaun. I fucked that up. That's Erin go brah. You al. You albino leprechaun. Anyways. Oh, you know something, I actually learned a lot about Kitchener because I was asking, I go, what did you guys used to make here? They just had that vibe and they all laughed and I guess they, that was the place where they used to make Crown Royal. The Seagram's family was from there. And Joe Bartnik, who should be on their wall of fame, has said, he said he's thrown out at least 400 of those purple bags in his lifetime. They also make the best striper striper, the best sniper rifles in the world, where you can basically be deadly accurate from two and a half miles away. And I was joking about that. Like the power of that, like how relaxed you could be. You know what I mean? You're two and a half miles away from the emergency. You know, your cell phone's there, so you're just gonna be like, yeah, I wasn't there. Check out my cell phone. You know, all you do is put a silencer on the end of the thing and you just start talking to one of your friends and then you're just looking two and a half miles down the road. This is that son of a bitch, right? You got the gun half disassembled by the time it hits the guy and you're gone. Perfect fucking murder. You know, it's funny, all these gun nuts are going to write in, oh, actually they'd be able to trace the bullet and they would, you know, every day the serial numbers on the gun. Shut up.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

I'm joking.

[Bill Burr]

It's a joke. Anyways, you know what's great about St. Patrick's Day was I wasn't even aware that was St. Patrick's Day when I did the Kitchener gig and we drove all the way back and then we partied at this place called the Bill Hicks Bar. And you go into the bathroom, they had all these quotes of, you know, Bill Hicks on the wall. There was, it was a bunch of stand up comics hanging out there. And we had a great time because we reached out and we're trying to find a place where we could actually hang out and drink some non alcoholic beers. And we want to thank everybody there at the sober Bill Hicks Bar for letting us act like gentlemen. All right, Bill, I'm a 20 year old and I lost my older girlfriend who has kids. Congratulations. This, this is a fucking. This is a problem. Hey, Bill, I've been a fan for a while and I know you have plenty of advice in that shiny head of yours. Not saying any of it's good or professional. For the last four months, I've really been beating myself up because I didn't stand up for myself. And I let the most amazing girl I've ever met go back to her ex because I didn't think I could support her and her two kids. I've had many girlfriends before. Dude, you're 20 before her. And I've been sad about a breakup, but not like this. I was drinking heavily and taking pain pills. Dude, don't do that. Because I know I can't have her back. I don't know how to move forward from here. I've gotten myself off the pills. Great. And I've cut down the drinking, but I can't seem to feel anything for any other girl. I just don't really have any drive without her. What should I do now? Thanks. Even if you don't get around to this, first of all, forgive yourself, all right? There's not a person out there, all right, that hasn't fucking fucked up a relationship unless you just marry the first person that you're with. You know, like they used to do back in the turn of the last century. Hey, I do. I mean, I fucked up like three before I found Nia. Just. Just really fucked him up and thought I'd never get past. I mean, you know what you do. This is a great time for you, okay, because you. What you're learning to do is pick yourself up off the mat. Do you remember, you ever see that George Foreman fight, when he fights Ali and he goes down, and decades later, they asked him about being down on the canvas, and he said, you know what? You know what the truth is? He goes, I could have got up. I just never been there before, all right? And after that, look at him. The guy came back when he was, like, in his 40s and won the fucking heavyweight title. So, look, this is the first time you've been knocked on your ass like this, and this is great. You're gonna learn something from it. And you're single. And you know what? The fact that you can't feel anything about anybody else new is because you're a good person. You actually have feeling for this other person. So what you do is you just fucking go out, hang with your friends, have a good time. If you meet some chick, ask, she asks you what your deal is, say, I just went through a bad breakup. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I swear to God, they'll want to cheer you up so much, you probably get a fucking blowjob out of It. I'm telling you, they love a fucking fixer upper. They love a little sad goddamn face. Just say, I fucked up a relationship and I'm heartbroken about it. What's going on with you? As opposed to fucking, you know, leading them on and acting like you like them, and then they find up you hung up on some other girl. That's when they get mad and fucking do the destruction of property and not get prosecuted for it. You know, there's actually a commercial out right now with this woman's just breaking this guy shit and throwing it out the window. Like that's totally fucking fine. You know, I don't understand that at all. So that's what I would say. Okay, buddy, I gotta be honest with you, okay? I know she's great and everything, but she's older than you and she has kids. That's a hell of a fucking thing to paratroop into. All right? Just, someday you're gonna meet another one. You're gonna find the real thing, all right? And, you know, there's not gonna be, oh, can you support me and all my kids that I had with somebody else? Or I'm gonna go back to that guy. That sounds like a country song. Here, dude, you don't need that. You're gonna find some girl. You're gonna. Who knows, a year from now, two years from now, three, four years, whatever, you're gonna find the love of your life, okay? And you know what you're gonna wish you did someday during the time before you met her, is fucking went out and had a good time and banged everything you possibly fucking could, but then fucking reason consensually with a condom there. Did I say it right? Go out and have a great fucking time. Enjoy your fucking life. Because someday you're gonna make the girl, your dreams, the person you're supposed to be with, all right? And you're gonna get married and you're gonna have a kid. And then even though you love all of them and everything, you know your podcast is going to be late because you got to go. You got to go down to the Easter Bunny. You got to do it. You can't miss that. And all your free time is going to be gone. It's not going to be a bad thing because you're going to love your kids so much. However, you are going to think back to a lot of the free time yet. Think of Jesus Christ, why the didn't I do this and that? So all this woman did was give you a great opportunity to go out and enjoy Yourself, all right? And when nobody's looking, put your face in the pillow and cry it out of you.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Do it every day.

[Bill Burr]

That's what they do. You gotta. You gotta cry yourself. They never tell guys to do that, right? Cry yourself into acceptance, forgive yourself and all of that shit. And in the meantime, have a great fucking time, all right? Go get a kegerator, watch a little March Madness, go to the gym, get in great shape. There's all kinds of positive things you can do, all right? Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Oh, boy, oh boy. The next one is fucked. My roommate's sister. Jesus Christ. The fucking animals that listen to this podcast. It's almost like I attract them with my own ignorance. All right? Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Dear Billy Hot Lips. My wife and I have been happily married for 13 years. We live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Well, not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story, but I'm going to be in. I'm going to be at the Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma, coming in the next few months. Okay? All right. Where we met at the University of. I'm not going to say the university. Okay? We have two children, ages 10 and 7, and have a really comfortable life together. The other night, I took my wife out for a date night, dinner and bowling. The bowling sounds lame, but remember, it's Tulsa, dude. Bowling is the shit you get in a league. It's fucking awesome. Anyways, my wife and I went up to the bar at the bowling alley. And when the bartender saw her, he gave her a weird look. Sort of like, haven't I met you before? After taking our order, he came back with drinks and said, enjoy, Mitzi. I was shocked when he knew her name, and I gave my wife a puzzled look. We took the drinks and went back to our lane, and I asked her how he could know her name. She said she has no idea and checked her shirt, as if for some reason she was wearing a name tag. After a few minutes, when she couldn't think of an excuse or a lie, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that he was the bartender from the hotel where we had our wedding reception. She said the night before our wedding, after our rehearsal dinner, her and her bridesmaids went to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a couple of drinks. Everyone then went up to bed but my wife. Good friends. Oh, everyone went to Belmont, but my wife snuck down to go talk to the bartender. Oh, wait a minute. My apologies to her friends. She told him that she's Getting married tomorrow, but wants one more night with another man before giving herself to me. So she took him up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with him, which, by the way, is the same bed that we consummated our marriage. And the next night. Oh, God. She told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than her wanting to end her single life with a bang. Not a whimper. Literally, a bang. She claims she has never had doubts about us and that she is sorry that I found out, but she doesn't regret the cheating because it assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever. Yeah, buddy, you try the same thing and then tell her that, hey, it meant nothing. And when I was banging her, I was like, you know what? Yeah, yeah, I am with the right broad. After hearing this, I asked if she had cheated since we've been married, and she said no, which I believe. We left the bowling alley and drove home in bitter silence. I'm not spoken to her in about a week now, other than when it pertains to the kids and other important matters. She's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows I don't want to be around her. However, I know I need to confront her about this, but I am unsure how to go about it. I think the only scenarios are divorce or basically accepting and forgiving. Neither of which I want to do at this moment, which is. You're fucking right. I'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because I'm embarrassed. So I'm hoping you can give advice, love the podcast, and go fuck yourself. I tell her exactly what you just told me. Just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting and forgiving, but I'm not ready to do either one at this moment. Okay? And you're gonna have to accept that and my mood around you because of your actions. All right? And by the way, I'm not telling any of my family and friends about this because I'm so embarrassed. Okay? And then I would recommend going to some sort of couples therapy, because that is a mind fuck beyond

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

any of

[Bill Burr]

my bar room fucking advice. But you seem pretty well emotionally, where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. I would just communicate it to her, and she better not pull this of like. See? Just not gonna talk to me for him. Make it about her. I don't know. I think the only way. How do you stay? I mean, you got to stay because the kids are There, which is such a situation. And then. All right, the positive side is she actually owned up to it. Negative. She waited 13 years and two kids. All right, let's not do the positive and negative because I feel like once. This is going to be like a bad super bowl here. Yeah, I don't know. What is the solution? You get to fuck somebody. I don't know. And it sounds to me like you didn't even want to do that, so that's not gonna be a fucking solution. I don't know. I would get professional help when you're ready to sit down and talk about it. Listen, it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn relationship, but you were getting married the next day and then fucked in the own guy. You know, in. In literally that bed. I have to be honest with you, man, that's pretty hardcore. That's like guy level, piece of shit behavior. Although women are totally capable of it. That's just that that's not their M.O. because they're so good at being pieces of shit that everybody thinks they're not. We're guys, we just constantly get caught with their fucking pants down. Oh, you said you're gonna be home later. That's your excuse? Well, I mean, aren't you also being dishonest? All right. My roommate's sister. Oh, boy. All right. Dear Billy Bernacles, I fuck my roommate's sister and I now need your help. My roommate sister. That's the only way I can get through these because these are so fucking sad. My roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed. My place or what have you. She invited me out with her and I said, fuck yeah, I'm paraphrasing all this. You know, she is pretty much our same age, mid-20s. As I hung out with a lot of our. With, you know, and has hung out a lot with our group of friends. And I've known her for five years now and consider her a friend outside of just my friend's sister. This is how I justify what the fuck I did at the end of this letter. So I figured, what the hell, maybe she could be a good wingman, I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Hey, Nia just walked in. Nia, this guy just found out. He went. He was at a bowling alley. He's in a bowling league with his wife or whatever. They're out Bowling.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Can I just ask a question? Was that your attempt at a Southern accent or what was that that you were just doing?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's because these are so sad. I just have to do it in a silly accent because I don't hear it. Yeah. Was that a bad accent?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

No, it isn't. It's a funny accent.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Okay. I mean, yeah, funny.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not trying to, like, be like, legitimately. Jesus Christ.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I came in making fun of you.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah, I did.

[Bill Burr]

Hi. Criticism. It never ends. Was that's your idea of a. Yeah,

[Nia Renée Hill]

I'm giving you shit.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. I just seem like.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Why are you being so sensitive?

[Bill Burr]

Because it sounded like you were serious.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, see, now you're on Instagram. You're gonna get all, like, weird about stuff, man.

[Bill Burr]

I don't even know what that I tell you right now. I can't even. I don't even understand Instagram.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What?

[Bill Burr]

Where are all the whores?

[Nia Renée Hill]

What?

[Bill Burr]

Where are all the Instagram whores? All I get is just shit from people that I know.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Do you want to be following Instagram models?

[Bill Burr]

I want to see them.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Well, I'm sure after this, people will send you loads of lamps.

[Bill Burr]

Well, half the ones you look at. What do you think of these shoes? What are those shoes? What about those tits hanging out? Oh, so this guy, he's out bowling is. Tania, is your fucking iced coffee big enough for you?

[Nia Renée Hill]

It's a smoothie, and it's. This is a regular size.

[Bill Burr]

I love you all you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight. It's like a giant chocolate shake.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I'm not. This is not obviously to lose weight. I just wanted a nice, natural fucking drink.

[Bill Burr]

Do we need to start again?

[Nia Renée Hill]

I guess. So we're getting off in the wrong.

[Bill Burr]

So this fucking guy goes out to bowling night. He's been married 13 years. He's got two kids, like a 10 year old and a fucking seven or eight year old or something like that, right? So they're bowling and they go up to get some drinks and said when they went up there that the bartender kind of gave his wife a weird look. And then when he gave the drinks to her, he said, hey, have a good night. Mitzi, like, knew her name. So they go back over and he goes, how the fuck did he know your name? And she acted dumbfounded to the point of actually pretending to look for a name on her shirt. I don't know. And then she just couldn't come up with a good line. She finally just said, the night before their wedding, she banged the guy. But hasn't banged anyone since. She goes. She said her and her friends were downstairs in the hotel lobby drinking. They all went to bed. And at night she snuck down and told the bartender she wanted one last bang, literally before she got married. And went up to the honeymoon suite where they consummated their marriage the next night and fucked that guy in that bed.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, Mitzi, you are a dirty dog.

[Bill Burr]

And then claim that she never did anything like that again. I mean, that's pretty reptilian, cold blooded behavior.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

And I like, what's the fucking bartender doing? Like, keep it on the low, man.

[Bill Burr]

Like, yeah, he's an.

[Nia Renée Hill]

There you go, Mitzi.

[Bill Burr]

And you know, and you know, he saw the wedding rings. He must. Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Like, he can't be. Be cool. Like he just had to be like a guy. Well, so what is he asking? What do I do?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, because she's not sleeping in the thing. And he said the only solution is divorce or a forgiver sleeping in the thing in the bedroom. But she's sleeping on the cot. No, he hasn't talked to her in a week. Other than dealing with that they have to talk about, which is the kids, because he's not ready to. And he's saying that either they get divorced or he forgives her. But he hasn't told any of his friends and family because he's so embarrassed.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I understand that. Yeah. I mean, you made this whole life with her. You have kids with her. I don't know. Is that really a deal breaker? That's the thing, though. Is she still, like, messing around? That's the thing. The trust is broken. So how do you repair the trust?

[Bill Burr]

Couples therapy.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah, that's the only way. I mean, is she interested in, like, was she apologizing profusely? Was she like, I'm so ashamed. Like, I should never have done it. It was wrong. You know, I love you so much. Like, I love our family. Like, I'll do anything to, like, make this better. Because that's.

[Bill Burr]

That's a hell of a thing to do to do the night before your marriage. You're getting married in the bed that you then fuck your husband. Do you believe that she's never done it again?

[Nia Renée Hill]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I don't.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I believe it because I feel like women can do that. Like, do that.

[Bill Burr]

Do you see what I'm saying? How good they are at being pieces of shit? They all cover each other. I. That women can do that. Guys can't do that. But we can do that. Yeah. All right. Get out.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Wait, you're. You're kicking me out?

[Bill Burr]

I'm kicking you out.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I'm not saying that guys can't do that, but yeah, I feel like she's capable of like.

[Bill Burr]

Then why would you say that women can do that?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Because I'm talking about women.

[Bill Burr]

So why, why wouldn't you say that? Well, I feel like some people can

[Nia Renée Hill]

do that because I don't have to use your language to get like my point across.

[Bill Burr]

But you just sort of made it just about women though. I just. Interesting. I'm cross examining you right now. It's kind of fine. But you try to worm your way out of this.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No one's trying to worm their way out of anything.

[Bill Burr]

Wriggle. Yeah, keep drinking your fucking drink there. So my roommate's sister was in town this weekend. While he was out of town, she was going to the bars with some of friends and crashing on her brother's bed in the place. She invited me out with her and I said sure. I figured she'd make a heck of a wingman and I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Anyways, we came back to my apartment where she was going to stay in a brother's bed. Before I knew it, one thing led to another and I was banging her like before I knew. What? All of a sudden the clothes fly off and she bends over. It started with some making out and she was the one who said, let's go to your bed before you start thinking this is going to turn into the wrong side of a MeToo story. Hilarious that he even puts that in there. That sounded all MeToo all right. In the morning, we both regretted it and she said it would probably be best not to tell my roommate and her brother about the incident. Unfortunately, she was able to leave and go back to her place five hours away while I have to see the guy every single day.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Okay.

[Bill Burr]

I also did it with no condom, like a drunken idiot. So I've been freaking out about STDs and pregnancy even though I'm 99% sure I didn't finish and made her get plan B the next night. I'm pretty sure extra careful. He's probably an accountant major pregnant. I'm pretty sure she'll never tell him, but I'm kind of a pussy and feel like I. I'll be plagued with guilt every time I hang out with the guy. What should I do? I'm sort of panicking and have a weight on my chest for the last week. Should I suck it up and go to the grave with this. I told a guy, a couple of friends about this to get it up my conscience, and now I'm afraid one of them might let it slow. Dude, you don't do that. Let it slip. One of these nights while we're all out drinking, should I get ahead of the story and just tell them and suffer the consequences? Or maybe I should stop being a cunt and worry about people with actual problems. I don't know. Glad you're okay. I. I would say this. I would say this. You're like that guy that commits a fucking crime with somebody else, and then you're the guy they have to whack because you're gonna flip. And what you basically did was you flipped on yourself and you ratted yourself out to two other fucking people. All right, so in the swirl of trash that's now gonna happen, I bet, for upwards of 10 years or maybe never. If you do something like that and you both agree to keep your fucking mouth shut, that's what you should have done. Because this isn't just about you. It's also about his relationship with his sister. All right, so you're both adults. It was consensual. You didn't want it to happen, it happened. And you both said that was a fucking mistake. Nobody's married here. There's no kid involved. I wouldn't have said shit.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah, I think you should just keep your trap shut and just move on with your life.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, and you also have to go kill your two friends. You never watch those JFK conspiracies.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Why'd you tell the other two guys? Because he just felt so guilty about it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it's a telltale heart. Except it's his ball bag dick throbbing underneath the floor.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah, it's really not. It's. Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, if she did turn out to be pregnant and kept it. Yes, of course you'd have to come clean.

[Bill Burr]

But you even say go through with an abortion without. He doesn't need to know.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, I wasn't gonna say that. What are you talking about?

[Bill Burr]

You said if you got pregnant, she got pregnant and decided to keep it, then you say something. But if she got pregnant and didn't want to keep it, you don't say shit.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, you don't say, but she took the plan B.

[Bill Burr]

So is this like. This feels like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I'm just picturing Judge Reinhold in that big blue car.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I know, but she didn't get an abortion. She took a plan B. So it's. It's. It's fine.

[Bill Burr]

Sir, do you sell stereos? That's for old people would get that joke. She banged that guy with soul to stereo.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, yeah. She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight. It's really creepy song choice.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, and he bangs her right on that bench.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Horrible. Yeah. She's such a cutie pie that. When she was that age. Jennifer Jason Lee. I like that movie ageism, too.

[Bill Burr]

She's not a cutie pie now.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, she's a beautiful woman now, but she was a cutie pie when she was younger.

[Bill Burr]

Mmm. When we return, there's nothing there for

[Nia Renée Hill]

you to dig up. There's nothing there.

[Bill Burr]

Well, that's. Well, that's the age we live in. If there is nothing, you're. If there's something there or there's nothing there, you're still gonna be punished. Oh, you look extra pretty today.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, thanks.

[Bill Burr]

What'd you do

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

since I left?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. You fucking a guy at a bowling alley?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yep. Gonna hand me a drink and be like, how you doing, Mitzi? That's gonna be my code name now. If I do step out on you, I'm going by Mitzi.

[Bill Burr]

You know what, Nia? I'm so old, that guy be doing me a favor. Oh, Phoebe doesn't have it in him anymore.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

Climb on top.

[Bill Burr]

I'm too old.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, you're just as much of a stallion now as the day I met you.

[Bill Burr]

Ah, boy. The truth hurts. The truth hurts. I tell you, I'd rather take a nap at this point.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, you would not.

[Bill Burr]

I would.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, you. You'd rather take a nap than bang me.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, no. We gotta fix this.

[Bill Burr]

See how that works, everybody? That's exactly how it's done.

[Bill Burr (alternate persona or comedic character)]

All right, that's it. That's the best lesson I could have taught anybody.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Have a great week. You kind of. I'll talk to you on Thursday, Sam.

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[Bill Burr]

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