Bill Burr (2:01)

pants went away, I was like, why do they wear shorts? It's kind of weird. You're on ice, you know.

Bill Burr (2:07)

But then when they were wearing like

Bill Burr (2:09)

a whole snow suit, it looked. It didn't look good. It looked like they were like, you know, on the bench of like an NBA team, like, wearing skates for whatever reason. So anyways, we lose to the Sharks. We beat the Capitals in overtime. We lost to the Devils in overtime, three on three. So we got a point. They got two. Devils are fun to watch. Fast team. And then we lost to the Canadiens. That was also an overtime. So we got a point or whatever. Dude, we're dogs on the road, man. We just. We can't win on the road. You know who beat us at home? Somebody beat us at home. And that end. I was the. The. The Sharks beat us at home. We had a 13 game winning streak at home, and that got snapped. But on the road, dude, like, our home record is insane, but we're on the road. Jesus, Doe. Jesus.

Bill Burr (3:06)

You know what else is dough?

Bill Burr (3:07)

Jesus is I mentioned, you know, we got some work done in the house. And then the second we got back into the house, I still can't believe this. This guy replaced all the plumbing underneath the house. All copper pipes, you know, looking like a grill. Remember when the rappers used to get a grill? That Paul Wall guy used to make them out of Houston? Everybody had a grill, right? That's what it looked like. Like gold teeth under the house. And there was one, evidently, piece of galvanized pipe left over from when fucking Charlie Chaplin lived here. And the guy didn't replace it. We were in the house for a month, and that burst, flooded the whole downstairs. And now they just began doing that shit. So the demolition has begun. And I do this fucking owning a house thing is. Is wild.

Bill Burr (4:02)

It.

Bill Burr (4:03)

It. Like. It's like having kids. You can't sit down every time you sit down, dad. You know, it's the same thing owning a fucking house. Every time you think, okay, I got that settled. Everything's fucking settled. Something breaks. So now they're downstairs, they're removing some sort of tile, and they go, yeah, judging by the look of the tile,

Bill Burr (4:22)

I don't know if it was from the last remodel.

Bill Burr (4:23)

We have to do an asbestos check before we remove this. And if, you know, the asbestos comes

Bill Burr (4:30)

in positive, it's gonna be. It's gonna set us back a week.

Bill Burr (4:34)

It's just like, listen, this isn't my first rodeo, okay? I know what happens. The only time you guys are on time is when you do the fucking demo. You get in there before we have a chance to come to our senses, and you got the fucking place. All right? You got the place. And then what? And then where are we? We have a gutted room. And then what happens? Then. Then. Then everything just moves along at your pace, however the you want to do it. And that's how the game's played. Sorry, closing the curtains here. I still got this tennis elbow thing, man. I've been trying to rehab my way through it. You know what aggravates it? Holding the microphone. If I just keep my. My arm in that position

Bill Burr (5:20)

for a

Bill Burr (5:20)

while, just bothers it, you know, I got a bet with Virsey. I'm gonna be able to do 10 pull ups. When I'm 70, I just was just out in the garage doing some pull ups and it ain't pretty. I did five. I don't know if they were good ones, but the first four were pretty good. So I don't know, I just gotta make sure I keep doing them. And I bought these like rope things, handles. Supposed to improve your grip strength, but I don't know. I don't know what that does. I need to improve my pull up strength some reason. They're like, oh, it's about grip strength, about grip strength. It's like that's not what gets tired. My hands don't get tired. It's. My back goes.

Bill Burr (6:02)

I don't want to do it anymore.

Bill Burr (6:04)

I just don't want to do it. You know what I mean?

Bill Burr (6:07)

I just don't want to do it.

Bill Burr (6:09)

So anyway.

Bill Burr (6:12)

Oh, Billy Freckles. Finally. All of this singing Phils and all

Bill Burr (6:17)

of that shit on, on drums is, is really getting me out of being playing between my ears and I'm actually listening to what I'm playing and I'm sort of humming some shit along, you know, it's a fun one that Lenny Kravitz, It Ain't Over Till it's over. And just place every stupid fill you can think of throughout the whole song. You know, go back and forth with playing along to the song. But like, I don't know, there's just something about that song, the tempo of it or whatever. It just gives me a lot of ideas of fills and to sing. So I've been doing that and I got to do some stand up though this week because I got Utah coming up, I think on Monday. Yeah, I got Utah. And then I go to a Mammoth game and then I only have one more after that. I just have the Hurricanes. I'll see the Hurricanes. I've been to a home game of every professional team in all four sports. Not saying I've been to every stadium because some of them they redid, but I've been to a home game of all of them. And I don't know, this is something I started doing in the 90s and then somewhere like 12 years later I was like, this is fucking stupid. I just want to go home because I was spending extra days out on the road. And then I got married and had kids and then it kind of went away and now I just picked it up. I'm finally going to finish it because my kids are in school now. And I'll be honest with you, I'm not going to Lie to you. I have no idea what it means. It meant something to me when I was a kid, you know, a kid fucking 30 years old when I first started like touring the country. But like, I don't know what it means now. I think at this point it just

Bill Burr (8:02)

means, you know, I did that instead of drugs.

Bill Burr (8:05)

So that, that's good, that's kind of a nice thing to do to have

Bill Burr (8:14)

anyways, if you keep in score.

Bill Burr (8:16)

Yesterday there was two days left of

Bill Burr (8:18)

winter and it was 95 degrees out here. 95 degrees. And the old me used to get nervous about that, like, are they going to fucking drive, do anything about this? But, but then, you know, the dictator signed an executive order that just said that it wasn't real. So I was like, oh, okay, now I, now I, now I feel better. So it's not real. Even though it was 95 degrees out with two days left in fucking winter. And I could tell you, I've been out here for fucking 20 years, it's never been like this. And I'm sitting there thinking like, if it's 95 in, in March, what is it going to be like, you know, come August, September, after like, you know, April, May, June, July, when it heats up at like August, oh my God, the end of August and September have always been like hot. But like in the last like few years there'll be like these 10 day heat waves where you're just sitting in 100 degree weather and it's just not moving. And then what does everybody do? They sit in their house and they crank up the AC and we use up more energy. The thing is, is I know that there's scientists out there that could come up with the solution, but the problem is there's also podcasters. So they would then lead us in the exact opposite direction for whatever reason. Or like 24 hour news networks, they would somehow politicize it. And at this point, if you can politicize pedophilia, you know, where does the environment stand? So I don't know, I don't know,

Bill Burr (10:03)

I'm just gonna fucking, you know,

Bill Burr (10:08)

I

Bill Burr (10:08)

don't know, I'm just gonna fucking try

Bill Burr (10:10)

to enjoy, Enjoy it while it lasts, you know, that's.

Bill Burr (10:18)

Enjoy it while it lasts. Was that a knock at my front

Bill Burr (10:20)

door or is just somebody fucking knocking out some asbestos?

Bill Burr (10:24)

Well, let's take a fucking look, shall we?

Bill Burr (10:28)

Let's see, is there anybody. Hello, Hello.

Bill Burr (10:32)

What was that given? Medal of honor ever Medal of Honor. You go in that French village, he'd be crawling on your belly and there was the German snipers and shit. And you just hear this random in the background. This guy would just go, hello. And then that became a running joke with me and my wife. We started to. Cuz she thought that was hilarious and she would, you know, she would say something to me and you know, I'd be spaced out not talk like thinking about something else. And then after she said it then she would just go hello. Oh.

Bill Burr (11:10)

And we used to laugh anyways.

Bill Burr (11:15)

Oh, Billy Jim Bod, Billy Jim Bod. Getting ready for the summer with one the last day of winter. Here we go, I'm ready for it.

Bill Burr (11:27)

Anyway, I was watching this scientist, not really, but like, I don't know what he is, but he was talking about some giant asteroid that's just going to miss the earth and you know, it's going to pass through this keyhole and then the next time and like when it comes BY in like 2036, it's going to be a direct hit and it's going to go right into the ocean and the entire west coast and, and like Japan and all that are going to be done and it's like,

Bill Burr (11:53)

all right, cool man.

Bill Burr (11:55)

Thank, thank, thank you for that, you know.

Bill Burr (11:58)

You ever think of just like letting

Bill Burr (12:00)

some happen, considering there's nothing we can do about it?

Bill Burr (12:05)

What are you, the Chicken Little of scientists?

Bill Burr (12:11)

Such a strange act that that guy has. Just going around telling people that

Bill Burr (12:18)

I

Bill Burr (12:18)

had no idea there was an asteroid that big that was gonna just miss the planet, you know, why can't I just go out like a dinosaur, just standing there and all of a sudden

Bill Burr (12:29)

you look up, oh, what's that?

Bill Burr (12:30)

And then that's it, it's over.

Bill Burr (12:35)

Can't we all just have a quick death?

Bill Burr (12:36)

Wouldn't that be nice?

Bill Burr (12:44)

I'll tell you what's amazing is let's just say that asteroid hits. Half the country would be excited that it happened, you know, because at this point they've allowed 24 hour news networks to make them hate half their country because they forgot we're all on the same team.

Bill Burr (13:03)

So that's good,

Bill Burr (13:05)

we got that going for us.

Bill Burr (13:10)

It was all just a bunch of fucking liberals. That wasn't no asteroid. God took a giant turd right in the fucking ocean because he even, he's sick of them.

Bill Burr (13:19)

Liberals.

Bill Burr (13:21)

They would do that, they would do that and then the upper 1% would somehow, you know, blame poor people somehow. I don't know how they would do it. They just, they do what they do. But anyway, so that's another great advantage of Living on the coast is that when this hits the fan, you get a quick death, and then everybody else has to sort it out. Small town America, you know, they'll elect John Cougar Mellencamp. He'll run for office, you know, wearing like a loincloth and over one shoulder, like, furry thing.

Bill Burr (14:06)

I was born in a small town

Bill Burr (14:09)

and I can breathe in a real small town. And if elected, I'll figure this fucking shit out.

Bill Burr (14:17)

That's what he would do, right? And they'd be like, I like this guy. He makes a lot of sense.

Bill Burr (14:21)

Well, you know, he's kind of a

Bill Burr (14:22)

poor man's Bruce Springsteen. I don't know if you noticed, the

Bill Burr (14:25)

tidal wave took Bruce and the E Street Band away.

Bill Burr (14:28)

All right, John Cougar Mellon camp it is.

Bill Burr (14:35)

Wait a minute.

Bill Burr (14:36)

Who would be left? There'd be a bunch of country guys out in Nashville.

Bill Burr (14:48)

They'd be singing all these songs.

Bill Burr (14:50)

After all them Hollywood wagging their fingers

Bill Burr (14:53)

at us, now you're drowning in the ocean because Jesus loves us the best.

Bill Burr (14:59)

And everybody's like, yee haw. They all love that.

Bill Burr (15:07)

I don't know. Would take out Netflix and then it'd be like 90% of content would be gone. I wonder where Bill Gates would go. He lives on the ocean. Oh, Billy Bill.

Bill Burr (15:25)

Oh, Billy Bill.

Bill Burr (15:28)

Oh, redacted William. I wonder where the fuck he would go. He probably knows all of that shit. That's probably what the fuck they talk about. Those Bilderberg meetings, you know, about the robots. They're gonna have to replace us. The asteroid coming at us.

Bill Burr (15:44)

There's probably, you know.

Bill Burr (15:45)

You know what I love about that shit?

Bill Burr (15:46)

How the fuck do I even know

Bill Burr (15:48)

there is an asteroid?

Bill Burr (15:51)

What, do I go down to a

Bill Burr (15:52)

sporting goods store and buy a telescope? And I pointed at what? Like, how do you find that thing? It's got to be hurt.

Bill Burr (15:58)

Just I don't know.

Bill Burr (16:01)

How fast is it going? How can you see it?

Bill Burr (16:08)

It's not lit up.

Bill Burr (16:09)

It's a fucking rock. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the poor fucking scientist that saw that shit? He's just sort of, you know, fucking killing his lower back. Looking into this telescope. He's scanning across the Milky Way, and all of a sudden there's this weird dark patch.

Bill Burr (16:28)

Like, what the fuck is that?

Bill Burr (16:32)

If it was a movie? You know what he does? He sits up from the telescope and looks sort of like straight, just off camera, and then looks in it again, right? And then what happens?

Bill Burr (16:42)

Then comes Tom Hanks.

Bill Burr (16:45)

Tom Hanks is going to figure it out.

Bill Burr (16:51)

And this time he's not wearing a dress. Right. He's got on a fucking.

Bill Burr (16:57)

Whatever they called if the scuba diving gear.

Bill Burr (17:00)

But you go to space.

Bill Burr (17:01)

Space suit.

Bill Burr (17:01)

There it is.

Bill Burr (17:09)

I love how you can't yell fire

Bill Burr (17:11)

in a crowded movie theater, but you

Bill Burr (17:12)

can sit in front of a group

Bill Burr (17:13)

of people and tell them there's an asteroid coming right at us that's gonna destroy half the fucking country.

Bill Burr (17:19)

It's gonna miss it's this time, but it'll be back in seven years. Listen, I want to thank all you guys for having me.

Bill Burr (17:26)

This was fantastic. That guy reminds me of like a

Bill Burr (17:32)

comedian that teaches a comedy class, you

Bill Burr (17:35)

know, because you're standing up there, you're

Bill Burr (17:37)

not talking to any professional comedians, and you're giving your opinion on stand up comedy.

Bill Burr (17:41)

What's. What's anybody gonna say?

Bill Burr (17:42)

Nobody.

Bill Burr (17:43)

There's like a real comic yet, so

Bill Burr (17:44)

they just got to listen to what you're saying.

Bill Burr (17:45)

He's like the scientist version of that.

Bill Burr (17:47)

He just.

Bill Burr (17:48)

Up there, he's got a bunch of

Bill Burr (17:49)

me sitting in the crowd, like, oh,

Bill Burr (17:51)

is that what's gonna happen?

Bill Burr (17:52)

Wow, this guy knows a lot of stuff.

Bill Burr (17:55)

Yeah, he knows some scary stuff too. He didn't seem to have any solutions.

Bill Burr (18:06)

I don't know, is there anything better than the person that figured it all out? That's my favorite, my favorite thing. And now that I'm like Billy enlightened now, been getting along with my wife really well, which is an amazing feat for me, you know, and it's just hilarious now that I kind of understand that all you have to do is just be nice to the person you're married to and maybe just try chilling out and, I don't know, being there for him, it's amazing. Just kind of changes their, their whole demeanor. All of a sudden they want to do that back to you. And then you, like, you go on Instagram, you got all these guys, none of them, none of whom have found love, by the way. None of them are like, found their soulmate and they are giving you advice on how to set your relationship up.

Bill Burr (19:06)

When you get into a relationship, it's.

Bill Burr (19:08)

And what I love too is it's, it's like manipulation. They're going with manipulation. It's like you're going to try to manipulate a woman. That. That is an away game, brother. You're like, that's like you're a boxer and the other person's a brawler and you just meet him at the center of the ring and just start swinging. You don't want to do. You want to fight your fight.

Bill Burr (19:29)

All right?

Bill Burr (19:30)

You want to fight your fight, okay? And with women, it's all, you gotta rope a dope. That's what you gotta do. You can't. You can't meet him in the center of the ring. He can't do that shit. You just fucking. You just gotta let them punch themselves out, you know? Except you don't grab them by the back of the head and talk shit in their ear like Ali did to George Foreman. You ain't so tough, George. You don't do that. You know, that wasn't a good point, sweetheart. And you let her go. You know, you don't wanna do that.

Bill Burr (20:06)

You just.

Bill Burr (20:07)

You just let them go. You let them run like you fit. You got fish on the line. Let the thing run.

Bill Burr (20:12)

Let it tire itself out.

Bill Burr (20:15)

You know, bring the rod down. Crank, crank, crank.

Bill Burr (20:18)

Oh, crank, crank, crank, pull.

Bill Burr (20:21)

Now you just do that.

Bill Burr (20:23)

Very. My wife comes at me now.

Bill Burr (20:27)

I just.

Bill Burr (20:27)

All right.

Bill Burr (20:31)

And then all of a sudden, their energy's high and your energy's low. Then it's just this. They feel stupid. They're up there. What you doing up there, honey? I'm down here chilling.

Bill Burr (20:40)

I don't know what you're doing.

Bill Burr (20:41)

Like, you seem like you're upset about something.

Bill Burr (20:43)

We could work this out. We had, like, three things that happened

Bill Burr (20:46)

to us that would have been like, three day fights this week. And two of them didn't even happen. And then the other one lasted through drop off. She got all huffy and puffy went out the door. I was like, all right. I did my podcast. I came back and I never engaged. Then she just looked at me and she. She smiled, so I smiled. She goes, sorry, I'm not a morning person. I shouldn't have come at you like that. I was just like, cool.

Bill Burr (21:10)

And it was over. That was it. She goes, I don't want to fight.

Bill Burr (21:17)

I hate fighting.

Bill Burr (21:17)

I go, I hate fighting, too. She goes, good. I said, all right.

Bill Burr (21:21)

That was great.

Bill Burr (21:21)

I'm proud of us. That was awesome. Done. That's it. And if I fuck up, I'm like, you're right. You're right. I'm an idiot.

Bill Burr (21:32)

I don't know what to tell you,

Bill Burr (21:34)

you know, you should have married up. You didn't. You fucked up.

Bill Burr (21:38)

You married me. So I'm gonna work on that, though.

Bill Burr (21:40)

And then it's over.

Bill Burr (21:41)

But you watch these idiots on Instagram. They're like, you know, first thing you

Bill Burr (21:45)

gotta tell her, I will not give up my dream for you. That was my favorite one.

Bill Burr (21:51)

That guy going Like, I will love

Bill Burr (21:54)

you, I will honor you, but I will not give up my dream for you.

Bill Burr (21:57)

Like, out of nowhere, she hasn't done anything. Like, the appetizer hasn't even hit the table. And you're coming out of that. You think there's going to be a second date? I think the power move there for the woman right there is, you go, you know what? Okay, this date is over. And in fairness to you, let's split the check.

Bill Burr (22:24)

If you don't like that, I will, I will.

Bill Burr (22:26)

I'll pay the whole check. If they drove you there, just Uber.

Bill Burr (22:33)

I'm good, I'm good. Whatever this is, I respect it, but

Bill Burr (22:39)

it's not what I'm looking for.

Bill Burr (22:44)

Good day, sir. That's it. And he's like, well, wait a minute. I didn't get through my manipulation technique that I learned on Instagram from a guy who isn't currently in a relationship

Bill Burr (22:58)

and never found love. It is kind of funny, though, how all of those guys, they have, like, that vibe. Like, that guy is. The guy's probably pretty toxic. What is that thing? If you don't know something that you then try to explain it?

Bill Burr (23:26)

Stand up comedy. What.

Bill Burr (23:27)

What is.

Bill Burr (23:30)

What is that urge?

Bill Burr (23:33)

I think we all do it. I've been guilty of that.

Bill Burr (23:35)

Oh, you know what? I think that is, like, right there.

Bill Burr (23:39)

The listeners should be like, all right, this guy's just taking a guess.

Bill Burr (23:41)

I'm. I'm gonna half listen to this.

Bill Burr (23:44)

You know, if I had to guess. You don't have to guess. You could read on it. You could read up on it. You could get back to us. Or we could all just shut the fuck up and realize that none of us has the answer. We could do that, right?

Bill Burr (23:59)

We could do that.

Bill Burr (24:05)

Anyway, I gotta get going here. I got shit to do, man. I don't got time to fucking hang out with you guys. I really wish I did. I want to thank everybody again who came out to Austin.

Bill Burr (24:16)

By the way, that movie I was

Bill Burr (24:18)

telling you about, Plant man and Blondie, won a writer's award at south by Southwest, which was totally deserving of. God damn it. That movie stayed with me. I hope it gets a distributor soon. And I can tell you guys where it is playing because I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

Bill Burr (24:41)

I got to promote a couple some

Bill Burr (24:42)

stand updates coming up.

Bill Burr (24:45)

North Carolina. I'll be performing at the Durham Performing arts Center on April 8th for two shows. First show sold out September. Still some tickets left for the second one. Excited for that. And Rhode Island Once voted the most illiterate state in the union. I don't know if that's true. Will be. I'll be at the Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket on June 12th. That sort of World cup adjacent type of thing there.

Bill Burr (25:11)

I don't know what it is, but

Bill Burr (25:13)

I'm going to be up there and probably going by Al Drew's drum if that place is still around in. Was it Cranston? A wound socket. I forget where the hell it was.

Bill Burr (25:22)

I used to go down there when I had my old Slingerland kit.

Bill Burr (25:25)

Anyway, I'm going to be there June 12th with Tony V. Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket and North Carolina Durham performing arts center April 8th. Come on out, man.

Bill Burr (25:37)

All right.

Bill Burr (25:38)

Simply Safe if you're like me, I hope you're not. You're desensitized to dozens of notifications on

Bill Burr (25:45)

your phone each day.

Bill Burr (25:46)

But if that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody's breaking in that piece of shit. But you're giving a huge presentation at work.

Bill Burr (25:59)

You got your fucking little flashlight. You're pointing at a squeegee board, whatever the fuck you call those things, those.

Bill Burr (26:05)

Those erasable boards. You know, you're at the movies. You're on a flight at 30,000ft. You'll see the footage in a couple hours, but by then it's too late. They took your headphones and your fucking,

Bill Burr (26:18)

I don't know, your underwears.

Bill Burr (26:20)

That's why I choose Simply Safe. Simply Safe is customizable whole home security system backed by 24, seven monitoring agents. I can rely on to act even when I can't. Traditional security systems only act after someone has broken into the house. Hey, bring that back. That's too late. Simply Safe's active guard outdoor protection can help break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simplisafe comes with no long term contract. They'll earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They are so confident in the protection they provide, they even back it with an anti theft guarantee. I'm not the only one. SimpleLife protects over 4 million motherfuckers every day. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Right now my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting simplisafe.com burr that's simplisafe.com burr. There's no safe like Simplisafe policy. Genius. What does the springtime inspire in you?

Bill Burr (27:21)

I don't know.

Bill Burr (27:22)

Short shorts, Italian ice? Did you start clearing out a closet or prepping the garden and realize you wanted to clean up your long term to do list? Did the first warm day make you reflect on how much you wanted to protect the life you're building? Now that you've settled into the new year, do you feel a renewed sense of responsibility and urgency to protect what matters most? Policygenius is an online insurance marketplace that allows you to compare quotes from America's top insurers side by side for free. Their license teams help you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life easily. Find what you need Coverage, amounts, prices, terms. No guesswork, just clarity. Policygenius helps you find the most affordable policies that meet your needs. They answer questions, handle the fucking paperwork and advocate you throughout the process. Policygenius has over 5,000 what has thousands of five star reviews on Google and Trustpilot from customers who found the best policy fit for their needs. Protect the life you built with policygenius you can see if you can find if you can find 20 year life insurance policies that start at just 276 bucks a year for $1 million in coverage, head to policygenius.com Bill Burr to compare the insurers insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Sorry policygenius.com Bilber all right true Work T R U E W E R K Winter job sites don't mess around, man. Freezing mornings, wet condition, fucking balls chapped against your legs. Wind that cuts right through your cheap gear. You need workwear that performs when it's brutal out there. TrueWerk builds performance workwear like it matters, because it does. Founded by a trade professional who was done with soaking wet heavy gear slowing him down, TrueWerk set out to make workwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable and ready for whatever the day throws at them. While brands like Cardhart and Dickies focus on traditional cotton based gear that gets heavy when wet shots fired. True Work uses advanced performance fabrics originally developed for extreme outdoor conditions, now engineered specifically for trade work. Designed with moisture wicking, wind resistant and insulated fabrics that keep you comfortable and mobile all day even in the harshest winter conditions. Every piece is tested on real job sites with trade pros before it even goes to market. When winter hits hard, you're still ready to work, not fighting your gear. Over 50,000 5 star reviews from pros in every trade and climate and real feedback from electricians, plumbers and contractors working through brutal winters. Don't let cheap gear slow you down this winter upgrade Your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order@truewerk.com with code BUER that's T R U E w e r k.com all right, last one. Fast growing trees. Man, I love this shit. You can grow food inside your house. Listen to this. Did you know the fast that Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers.

Bill Burr (30:29)

Well, did you?

Bill Burr (30:30)

If you didn't listen up. They have all the plants for you.

Bill Burr (30:33)

Yeah.

Bill Burr (30:35)

Or your home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees. You fucking perverts. Flowering trees, shrubs and houseplants all grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Whatever you're looking for, Fast Growing Trees helps you find options that actually work for your climate, space and lifestyle. Fast Growing Trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. Just click order grow and get healthy thriving Plants to deliver it right to your door. They're alive and thrive. Guarantee promises that your plants arrive happy and healthy. No green thumb required. Just quality plants you can count on. Plus get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plans and learn how to care for them every step of the way.

Bill Burr (31:16)

You.

Bill Burr (31:16)

You don't need a big yard or a lot of space.

Bill Burr (31:17)

You can grow.

Bill Burr (31:18)

Listen to this shit. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoor indoors, along with a wide variety of houseplants all grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. That's fucking amazing because it's 95 degrees

Bill Burr (31:30)

out with two days left in winter.

Bill Burr (31:31)

You might want to start moving indoors like we live on the moon.

Bill Burr (31:35)

Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden. Right now. They have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off and selected plants and listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when they use the Code Burr.

Bill Burr (31:49)

Ah, Jesus Christ. I got a friggin phone call there.

Bill Burr (31:51)

And 20% off to show our and listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the Code Burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing at fast growingtrees.com using code burr burr at checkout fast growing trees.com burr now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use Burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

Chandler Garcia (32:16)

Hi, I'm Chandler Garcia. As a PICU nurse and global health advocate, I've cared for women and children all over the world, from Costa Rica to Egypt to Kenya and beyond. And no matter where I go or how tough the conditions get, I always wear my figs. These scrubs are lightweight, breathable and super soft. Perfect for long shifts in any environment. They've got pockets in all the right places, the fit is flexible and they're durable through every admission, surgery and post op. But it's not just about the scrubs. Another big part of what I love about figs is when they say they're committed to supporting healthcare workers all over the world, they mean it. I recently joined them on an impact trip to India where I worked in triage, caring for babies in a mobile clinic. My figs aren't just what I wear. They're part of the impact I want to make when wherever my work takes me, figs helps me show up ready to make a difference while looking and feeling my best. Get 15% off your first order at wearfigs.com with code FIGSRX. That's wherefigs.com code figs rx all right,

Bill Burr (33:17)

that's the podcast, everybody listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Femelis. Then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast after this. Have a great weekend, your cunts.

Bill Burr (33:30)

I love all of you.

Bill Burr (33:31)

Thank you so much for coming out to my shows and, you know, giving me a great life. All right, that's it. Go yourself.

Bill Burr (35:01)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday 19th, 2018. What's going on?

Bill Burr (35:10)

How are you?

Bill Burr (35:12)

Is that loud enough? My ears shot. What's going on? I'm really. I'm super late. I apologize. I apologize to anybody I may have offended. Rolex Americans, anybody indigenous to the clock world. You know, I'm sorry. Original. I learned that when I was up in Canada. They do not want to be called indigenous. They want to be called the originals. The OGs. The OGs of this shit. That's what they want to be called. Pre Provinces, you white motherfuckers. I believe that's what they said. Except they said it with a drum. No, they didn't. Do they? The originals up in Canada, did they communicate through drums too? You know, so funny, once white people got their hands on it, all of a sudden all communication just stopped with that instrument. Well, that's because we invented the fucking phone, you dumb fuck. Hey, keep it fucking classy there. Sorry. I'm in a fucked up mood. I flew back from Toronto, late last night I was in Kitchener, or Kitchener, I have no idea. Came up with a great fucking touristy T shirt for those people out there. All right? If you can't stand the heat, you get out of the Kitchener, huh? They need something, they need some swagger out there because everybody was giving me shit. Why? Look, why? Playing all the way out. There we go. First of all, I was just in Toronto. And then secondly, those people like entertainment too. But now they got to drive an hour and a half all the way in. They got to pay for parking if they're going to booze now they got to get a room and all of a sudden becomes this big fucking deal. So I like going to places like Kitchener, Hamilton, that casino on the other side of Detroit. And then there was that other one, that Casino Rama, that gig where I left the rental car. Ever tell you guys that fucking story? I left a rental car there, man. We went out, we did the show. I'm not naming any names in this one, okay? Me and some friends of mine, okay, not my usual friends, these friends were readers. These were big readers. And they never predicted anything, okay? They didn't predict someone was going to be a hall of Famer after one at bat. It was not anybody like that, wink, wink, nudge nudge. Anyways, so we were up there, Casino Rama and we drove up from someplace else. I can't remember. We've done a couple of gigs out there and like March Madness was going on or some sort of ladies hockey for some medal or some, I can't remember what. And we went out there, did the show and we went out and got hammered. Hammered knowing that we had an early flight and then I had to return this rental car. So we keep looking at the watch guys, you know, we kind of got to be up at 5am it's, it's midnight, it's five hours sleep. One more, one more, blah blah blah. Next year we got it. We got in, I swear to God at like three in the friggin morning and I am hammered. Did I mention I was drunk? I was fucking hammered. So wake up like two hours later, you know, with a bunch of snacks open from the fucking hotel bar. One of those nights, you know, trying to get down like another whiskey. I maybe got one swig out of it. Like Denzel in that movie where he fucking flies the plane upside down. He somehow overcomes losing his rear stabilizer. The first guy ever in the history of aviation. And then I, you know, open can of Pringles and a Kit Kat. I Think. So I stumble downstairs, right? We're, you know, and we get in the fucking car, right? I'm still fucking hammered. I'm like, guys, I'm too fucking drunk to drive. And they're like, dude, the airport's right down the street. This is how every fatal drinking and driving story happens. It's right down the street. So we look at our fucking gps because we're still. We're still on the hotels thing there. And we were trying to memorize it because none of us got a plan when we were up there. Well, wouldn't you know, we leave the hotel's airspace and we can't figure out where we're going. It's. It's low visibility, it's still pitch blackout. And now we have no map. I don't know where I'm at. And we're all hammered. And I was just like, dude, I can't do this. So we literally got like a fucking quarter mile down the street. Turn back around, go back to the hotel. We say, listen, dude, because we kind of, you know, hit it off with the guy behind the fucking. The counter that. Can you do us a favor? You know what? Can you. Is there any way you can return this rental car? The guy goes, no problem, no problem.

Bill Burr (39:50)

We'll call you a cab.

Bill Burr (39:51)

I got my buddy, he'll come down, he'll return the fucking thing, blah, blah, blah, no problem. So now we're sweating it, right? But turns out the pilots and shit are also waiting for a car, and we were on their flight or whatever somehow, so I can't remember. It's all fucking foggy. So we end up getting there, we make the flight back, laughing our asses off. Hey, we did it. You know, what a good shit. That guy returns the fucking car. What an awesome guy, right? And I, I pass out on the plane and I wake up in LA like nothing ever happened. So I fucking. Maybe like three weeks later, I get this phone call from the rental company and they were like, yeah, Mr. Burr, are you ever gonna return that rental car? I told this story wrong. I shouldn't told you that. I left it to the hotel guy. I had completely forgot. I didn't even. That's how drunk I was. I don't even remember that part where I said that I was gonna fucking. That I told the guy at the hotel and I was like, yeah, return it. Returned like three weeks ago. And at this point, I've done like three more road gigs, so I don't even remember it. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I did. How did you get my number? You keep my number. I was all about me. So they start badgering me in my fucking world, and I'm just like, you know, like the fourth or fifth phone call, I was like, listen, stop calling me. I returned the rental car. Stop calling me on my cell phone. I'm at work and blah, blah, blah. Then just one time, I don't know what happened, like the sixth time they called me, something just clicked. I was like, wait a minute, was that that gig where I was hammered and there were clouds on the ground and I. The guy behind the counter said he was gonna. Or some people called fog, we're gonna fucking return the rental car. Oh, fuck. So I had to call after yelling at these people, I had to call them up, be like, yeah, listen, I'm the guy you called like six times ago. I got really drunk and try to drive, but I couldn't. The guy at the hotel said he was gonna bring it back. I don't think he did. They ended up fucking going down to. The car was still sitting there. I had to pay a month's rental on that thing. I can't even fucking tell you how much money that cost me. But whatever. That's not the big news. The big news as announced by Barstool Sports. Remember I was telling you rough and rowdy was going to be a juggernaut and I would just blah, blah, blah that and I thought it was just the greatest friggin idea ever. It's literally, it's like American Idol meets the ufc. All those people that think they can fucking sing and want to prove it and then look what happens. Some of them come out of there and they win Grammys. So who knows, maybe one of these people, when there's rough and rowdy thing, could actually someday get in the UFC house, right? And then, then next thing you know, fucking he's on one of those pay per views. But until then, they're at the Barstool Sports Rough and Rowdy number tree twa. And I'm actually going to be ringside throwing in some jokes. You guys got to get this, man, you have to get this fucking pay per view. I'm telling you, I'm going to be making fun of people. I'm going to be making fun of myself. It's, it's $15.99 to watch regular people beat the shit out of each other. You know what I mean? It's the greatest thing, greatest thing of all time. This is like, there's certain things you just see Coming. You're like, this is going to be fucking huge. I. The second I saw this, it's like, I'm going to watch every one of these things, and I don't know, I was just talking positively about it, and then Barstool reached out to me with an email, and they're like, you want to do this? I was just like, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Absolutely. So I'm gonna be there, so tune in. Let me see if I can get you the date here. I'm so fucking excited about this. I can't even tell you when the hell is it going to be. I'm the worst. Does anybody promote shit worse than me? I know that it's going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. April 13th. It's going to be April 13th. Charlotte, North Carolina, former hometown of the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. I mean, everything's just. This is serendipity. It's all fucking lining up. I can't wait. So please, you and your friends, order the goddamn fight. Get yourself some beers, and who knows, maybe you watch, you get inspired, and the next time you'll be on it. That's just that easy. You ever want to be on tv, try to knock somebody out, finally, there's a vehicle for you. So, anyways, why are you so late today, Bill? Well, I had a busy day. I flew back from Toronto after two awesome shows in Kitchener. They're definitely. They're on the tour list now. They have such awesome people there, a great venue, and so I flew back late at night because I wanted to be, you know, get home late at night. So when my daughter woke up the next day, I was gonna be there. You know what I mean? Because of what I do, you know, I miss some days sometimes, you know? So, like, literally, the UPS guy comes walking up the walk, and she's pointing, going, dad, da, da, da. Like, I can't handle that. I have too much fucking guilt over it, all right? However, I do have to provide for my family. So anyways, I. I hung with my daughter in the morning, and then I had this meeting from 10 to 12, and then when I came back, my wife told me that she was going to take our daughter to go see the Easter Bunny. And I was like, well, I don't want to miss that. So I went over there, and, you know, last year she was fine because she was only, like, you know, four or five months old. And this year she's like, you know, coming up on a year and a half or whatever. And, you know, I just felt this vibe. I was Just, she was looking at the person in this outfit, and I'm just looking at it like, I don't know about this one, right? So we're trying to be like, hey. And the bunny's waving at her, and. And I went up and I'm shaking the rabbit's hand and stuff, like, see, it's safe. It's not cutting my head off. And she's just looking at the rabbit like, I don't know about this, man. She's like that dude in Platoon. I got a bad feel about this, man. So we bring her up there, and immediately, like, I go to kind of hand her to the. To the dude in the bunny suit, and I just feel her just grab 2 handfuls of my T shirt. I'm like, oh, no. And then I was like. She started screaming, and then I handed it to my wife. My wife ended up having to sit down with her with the rabbit. She's totally crying, totally freaked out and all that. And the whole time I'm just sitting there going, why do we do this to kids? Why am I doing this? And freaking this kid out with a fucking person in a goddamn bunny suit. It makes no sense to the kid. And at the end. At the end of all of this horseshit, it's a fucking lie. The whole thing is a fucking lie. And then one day you got to turn around and tell your kid it's not real, and it's just this selfish adult thing because you love your kids so much, you wanted to see them get excited, you know, and you grew up and you saw how mean and cold hearted the world is. You just want to see them fucking believe in something. And then just early on, you just break their trust by telling them that there's these fucking people that come by. Some of them are animals, and, I mean, some of them are fairies and all of this shit. But then what do you do? Do you tell your kid that they don't exist and then they go to school to come to school like some grizzled vet? Yeah. Let me tell you, some kids, it's all right. Just telling all these kids that the bunny doesn't exist and Santa Claus doesn't exist, and then everybody's getting mad at your kid. It's a great life lesson, actually, for your kid. That's what happens when you tell the truth. Oh, he's on his stump right now. Yeah. If you ever want to get yelled at that. There you go. Send your kid to school with the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, and you just Say to your kid, just say, listen. And everybody talks about reading to your kid, trying to give him a head start and all that. Why don't you give him a head start and not tell him about all of that? One of my relatives did that with one of my nephews, you know, and the kid grew up fine. They just sat up down like, yeah, listen, it's all, you know, I remember when I found out, my older brother told me, and he felt betrayed. And when he told me, I felt like an adult. I was like, no way. Is that what, you know, thanks for the heads up. Then I sat there and kept my mouth shut like an old school mobster. I never told my. My other brother. Never said, I just sat there, oh, yeah, he's coming right down that chimney. Then I sit there laughing, listen to my younger brothers telling me stories. I saw a slay go right off the roof. Oh, did you? You lying piece of. You know, it let me know. Let me know who they really were. I. I learned who I could trust in my family, having that inside information. I think that's why they're trying to get that Alexa in everybody's house, so then they can tell, you know, who they can trust and who they can't trust. And not really for a good reason either. You know, they're as corrupt as I am, except they're running. I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. I lied to you guys earlier. I didn't have a meeting from 10 to 12. What I did was I went out and I flew out to Camarillo and then down the coast along Malibu on one of the most perfect days ever, while the whales are migrating. Okay, I should have literally had like yoga, yoga music playing in my headset. It was, it was unbelievable. It's unbelievable. So, I don't know, whatever, sorry. Okay, you got me. I apologize. We were supposed to take our kid. I'm gonna be totally honest with you guys. And I was supposed to take the kid to see the Easter Bunny tomorrow, and then my wife's schedule flip flopped around and it was more convenient for her to go today. It was more convenient for us to go tomorrow, but it's more convenient for her to go today. So what do you think happened? You know what happened. Goddammit, you know exactly what happened. Oh, I went to a Toronto Raptors game, by the way, on the Sunday, and I went to that OKC game. The game was like fucking 132 to 126, something crazy like that was almost like an All Star Game score. And we had great seats and all of that stuff. It just was fucking awesome. Great fan base, too. Jesus Christ. I knew you guys loved the Leafs, but obviously Toronto's doing great this year. But it's a really fun game to watch. And that knocked off. Now, I've seen every professional Canadian team a home game in them, except for the goddamn fucking Ottawa Senators. And every time I schedule something to go see one of their games, something comes up and I can't make it. All right. First time, unfortunately, one of my great friends in life passed away, and I had to go to the funeral and all that, so that's understandable. All right. And the second time, it was just like, all right, I'm flying in two days early. I'm a dad now. I'm going to miss 48 hours with my daughter to go to a fucking Ottawa Senators game. I couldn't justify it, so I canceled that. So it really has nothing to do with Ottawa or their franchise or any of that type of shit, but I believe that they're actually making a new. New arena. Isn't that unbelievable? It's like, what is wrong with the other one? The other one is totally fine. That's like the Atlanta Braves moving out of their totally perfectly fine baseball stadium. The Atlanta Falcons moving out of their totally perfectly fine fucking dome. Like, what are we doing? And then they take. What do they do with all of that material? And once they not. Someone should make a fucking documentary on that. When they knock down a stadium, that works fine, all right, but the owners are like, if you don't do it, I'm gonna move the team. Fucking move them, you fat. I'm sick of seeing cities being held hostage by these fucking crybaby owners, especially the fucking NFL. Those fucking assholes. Such a great game. Such a crew of cunts, though. That runs it. How much more money do those assholes need to me need to make before they'll pony up for a stad, you

Bill Burr (52:25)

know, without threatening everybody that they're gonna

Bill Burr (52:27)

walk out knowing full well that most people are like me and they don't

Bill Burr (52:32)

read, they don't have any other passions,

Bill Burr (52:34)

they got nothing else going on in their life. Knowing full well that if they. The politicians would be like, well, if we let this fucking thing go, I'm not gonna get voted into office. I mean, Bob Kraft, even though he ponied up money for the stadium, he was going, oh, I'm gonna bring it down to Connecticut. Him and his dumb fucking loafers. I love the guy. There's two things that happened in the. Well, there's a bunch of things that happened in my history as a Patriot fan that bugged me. Bill Parcell's telling the team that he was allegedly. That he was going to. He wasn't coming back the next year before we played the Green Bay Packers. That's why I've still yet to watch the two Bills. Okay? Because somebody who was not connected to the football team told me a long time ago that he did that. And I believed it back then, the way I believed that there was a Santa clau. Bill Parcells has the same body type as Santa Claus. And the whole thing comes together, and I've just never been able to fucking forgive the guy for something that I'm not even sure if he even did. Okay, um, what else? When Bob Kraft said he was gonna move him to Connecticut, that was fucking annoying. We should have let him do it. Go ahead, move him to Connecticut. Move into the fucking Hartford Whalers old building. See if you can make it work down there. You can't make anything work in fucking Connecticut. They're too divided. You know, some are Giant fans, some are Patriot fans, some are dirt poor. The others are in the Illuminati, and there's some clan members. I mean, think about that. What. What fucking product can you sell that's gonna appeal to all of those people? There's a reason why Connecticut lost the Wailers. They deserved it. No, I'm just kidding. I was actually talking to somebody when I was up in Canada that, like, what was great about the fucking hockey divisions when I was a kid, when I was just a lad. The Adams Division and the Patrick's Division. If you had a fucking car, you could literally drive to every road game your team had within its division. You could probably get there within, you know, a couple of hours. Except for the Quebec Nordics. They were way the up there. They jumped on a plane. They were all just like, fly to Montreal, fly to Buffalo, drive down to Hartford. Then you had the Nord. It was the Nordics, the Canadians, the Sabers, the Whalers and the Bruins that I feel like I'm missing somebody. That was so long ago. And then the Patrick Division, you had the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers, and the Capitals. All five of them were right there. And then the road trip, the long one was Pittsburgh. All of them right fucking there. It's like when you used to see, like, those. Those things they do on, like, you know, back in the day when baseball was all on, like, the east coast, essentially, and they would just take Trains. And there was two teams in Boston, three teams in New York, two teams in Philly. The Philadelphia Athletics, the Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Yankees, formerly the New York Highlanders, formerly the original Baltimore Orioles, then the new Baltimore orioles, formerly the St. Louis Browns. Isn't it amazing I know all of this shit and can't do fucking simple math and have no idea what's going on in the world. I tried to get a little smarter though. On the flight back. I watched this. Ken Burns did this whole thing on Vietnam. And I watched one that was basically 1970 to 1971. And what I loved about the documentary is he does not spare the horrors of all of those people that just showing the dead bodies and all of that shit and just like. And just done so evenhandedly. People who protested the war. This one Marine was saying, like, I had no problem with people protesting the war. You know, that's one of the great things about this country and all that type of stuff. But like those people that were like yelling at him and punching his car and all that, like they took it too far. And I found that really interesting, you know, that you can, you can because we're kind of. I feel like we're living that right now to the left. Except for some reason they're not protesting this never ending fucking war that is bankrupting this country. Because the people in power geniusly have sold this one that if you criticize it, you don't support troops and you're a socialist. Slash, I think you're in isis. I think that's the way it goes. If you're even just as an American going like, hey man, like I'm down with this country and stuff, but we're spending a billion dollars a month to fight 3,500 people on a jungle gym that train on a jungle gym. Like, that's just from a business standpoint. How are we going to continue to sustain this? If you just even ask that, that's immediately put into the. You don't support the troops, you don't appreciate people fighting for your freedom, you're a piece of shit. Let's ruin your career. And I feel that they learned that in Vietnam when they kind of learned that if they lost the. Obviously you lose the public support, eventually you're going to lose the fucking war. And watching these people giving these speeches so we don't end up at another Vietnam and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And then just seeing some of these hippies acting like me too people, you know, totally just Taking it too far. That if somebody even looks like their whole life should just fucking be destroyed. You know what I mean? One person tries to look up a skirt as somebody's walking up a stairs, you know, flight of stairs. All of a sudden they're doing jello shots with Harvey Weinstein out in some godforsaken place in fucking Arizona. I got a great reality show. You have Harvey Weinstein and O.J. simpson. They do a road trip, right? And they got. It's like they got. They start in LA and they got 36 hours to get to Atlanta to pick up Paula Deen. It's like the gumball rally, you know? And then she. Because then she has to go into this Big Brother house and decide whether or not she wants to marry Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm just. I'm just throwing this out there. Like, this is just a. And I want to host it and have all these dumb events, like fucking that guy in Survivor that screams at everybody. My wife always watches Survivor and I just can't. That's so fucking. I get so much anxiety, you know, Blue team slowing down. They need to hurry up. It's like, shut the up. We know what we need to do. You explain the game, you shredded cunt. He is in great shape for the amount of. You know. He's got to be sick of it, though. I. I feel like with that guy, every. I feel like for me, I feel every season he gets a little more angry because at some point, I mean, it's just a finally oiled machine, but, like, he sort of has stopped growing as a person because now he's stuck in Groundhog Day. And it's just like. And they do it like they've been on the air for like 18 years and they're like in their 50th season. Like, I don't know how many times this poor bastard has to fly to a fucking island in Fiji and yell at people about, you know, how they need to bring a plate of fucking peas, you know, while walking on some fire, whatever the fuck it is that that guy does. Can you imagine just. Just sitting there trying to think of another fucking thing that they have? I don't know. I have no idea. It's like that American Ninja. Was it American Ninja Warrior? Which. I love that show too, but it's just like every fight, I think somebody's got to sit there and think of a. Something that requires even more grip strength. I swear to God, by the time they get in their 50 season, you're gonna have to fucking Be doing pull ups, you know, only holding on with your feet. The people who train for that thing, you know, you can have a whole generations are going to continue to train for that thing. I swear to God, our big toe is going to start sliding down the left side of your foot or the right side of your foot, depending on which one you're looking at. You're going to have thumbs again like a ape. By the way, I saw one of the best YouTube videos. You know, they do like those mashups, you know, And a lot of times you just pick two songs that are the same tempo, right? And you just fucking take the music out of one. You take the lyrics together, you slam it together. I know, you know, maybe speed it up a little bit, but somebody did Rats round and round with Marvin Gaye. I heard it through the grapevine. Check on the Twitter page. We just posted it, or we have it posted by the time this is up. And just the way it fits is incredible. Like it actually sounds right. And then I was. I don't know what the fuck. I was just on YouTube looking at a bunch of videos and I somehow found this band where this guy does this impression of Michael McDonald and he's singing Iron Maidens Run to the Hills. But it's totally sung like Michael McDonald and the. The music that they wrote sounds like a Michael McDonald song. Like, it doesn't. Because I was sitting there listening going, how the fuck do I know this song? Just like the white man came across the sea he brought us pain and misery. I won't torture you anymore. Killed our cow, took our game I said he took our game for his own need. You gotta listen to music underneath it. It sounds like right around the time when he was working with Steely Dan doing all of that,

Bill Burr (62:38)

Whoever would have

Bill Burr (62:39)

thought that some band could sit there and write some blue eyed soul to Iron Maiden? All right, with that. Let me do a little. We'll post that one too. I would probably already have it posted by the time you listen to this, right? All right, hang on a second. Hang on a second. All right. I could do the reads here for the week. I gotta do the reads here for the week. All right. Oh, my God. Speaking of Vietnam. Speaking. Speaking of Vietnam. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. How fucking weird is that? You know, who would have thought, who would have thunk that I would talk about Ken Burns Vietnam, by the way, I have to watch Ken Burns. I swear to God, Ken Burns could do a fucking nine part documentary unclipping your goddamn toenails. And I Would watch that, all right? Because he would somehow it would be fascinating. And speaking of amazing television that I watched when I was on the plane. Let me make sure I get the name of the show right. I watched that new Mike Judge animated show. What is it? Tour Bus from the Tour Bus. Has anybody watched that yet? He basically talks to all these fucking lunatics. Outlaw country singers, okay? And they tell stories about being out on the road. I don't. I. I've yet to go. I've yet to see one where somebody didn't pull a gun on somebody. Three out of four that I watched, the people involved actually shot the other person. One got off, one went to jail. I'm telling you, the ones I watch, I watched the Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Paycheck, then there was this guy, Billy Joe something or other. And there was one other one that I watched. They were unbelievable. And you know, if Mike Judge is doing it's going to be quality make beefers and butthead office space. Oh, Christ, what's the name of this? King of the Hill. Jesus Christ, My brain's going to go in a mush idiocracy. Which a lot of people didn't see because it went straight to fucking. You know. This is a little too accurate anyways. I cannot say enough about that show. I have to watch every fucking one of those. And you're really seeing, like basically an America that no longer exists. Half the shit that they do, it's like, dude, there's no fucking way you could do that now. Just with all the cell phone cameras and all of that and. And you just peer into the way, I don't know, the way men, an extreme version of an American male thought back in the day, the way they handled shit, their thought process, it just was just. I can't even like on like 20 different fucking levels. That show is unbelievable. You have to watch it. The guy's on his. One of these. I'll ruin one thing. This guy is on trial for shooting this guy in the face, okay? And the judge goes, well, couldn't you just ran away or walked away saying he didn't have to do it, basically. And the guy looks at the judge, he's like. He's like, buddy, I'm from Texas. We don't run. Says that at his own fucking trial anyways. I don't know, I'm butchering it. You got to see it. The part where fucking Jerry Lee Lewis considers driving over Liberace so there'd be, quote, one less piano playing motherfucker that he had to compete with. Just imagine that. Animated. That's. I. It's. It's incredible show. Incredible show. And I resent every podcast listener for not telling me that it existed. You probably did. I just missed the emails. All right. Okay, here we go. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. Hey there, Mr. Billy O. Rice Ball. I found your podcast last year and have been listening ever since. I'm currently a bike mechanic at a local shop here in Hanoi. Vietnamese born and raised. Well, I bet you get a ton of work. Everybody rides bikes over there, right? And I'm basing that on Hollywood movies that I've seen. All right. Actually, Tom Rhodes always does gigs over there and tells me how beautiful it is. And Tom Rhodes is going to be in Vietnam. He was telling me in the next couple of months, I believe. At least this year. I forget what the date is. All right. I recently met the loveliest Colombian lady. Oh, they're beautiful, beautiful women in the world at the shop. And I am smitten. I don't doubt it. Problem is, she's only going to be here for one month before continuing to the next destination on our world tour.

Bill Burr (67:34)

And what better time for you to

Bill Burr (67:36)

get in there in between those guys? I'm sorry. Have a nice romance. She's covering from my fellow co worker who's on a trip of her own traveling across the country. I'm happy enough to have a month to spend with her. I don't care if she's going to be gone forever afterwards. I have no idea what to do, though. Always have been. With women. I've got no game. I'm always a bit needy. Oh, that's a bad one. Not knowing what to say is easy. That's easy. You just. You got to start bombing like a comedian. Like the way a person learns how to become a comedian. You just write some shit. You don't know if it's funny. You go up there, you fucking, you know, lose on nine out of 10, but you keep that one and you build off of that, and then eventually you have an act. All right. Needy. You can't be needy. I'm a bit needy. And I'm constantly doubting myself. All right, well, I'm with you on the second one. And whether or not she likes me, I know it's a good thing to do and I should stop thinking that way, but it's not easy for me. I guess I need some words of advice and encouragement. Thank you very much. And go hug yourself. I would just. You just. You just gotta. Like the thing about doubting yourself. And being needy and all of that and just being filled with doubt and no confidence is that is. That's one of those things where when you're really young, the sooner you address that, the better your life is going to be. Okay. Because that. You're so young at this point, that it's not. I don't think it's. It just doesn't have its mitts in you. Like, if you try to deal with it in your late 30s the way I did, so. And then you find out all this shit you were afraid of that you thought was, I gotta walk up this fucking mountain. It's was these. It was like stepping up onto a curb. So first of all, in a good way, who gives a fuck if you ask this chick out and she shoots you down? Who gives a fuck? You. All you have is a funny fucking story and an experience asking a woman out, especially if you think she's out of. Out of your league, that's even better. You know, anything you want to do, you gotta. You gotta play with people that are better than you if you want to get better. Playing sports. You know, Like, I remember this guy was telling me about, as far as, like, getting together, if you play an instrument, jamming with people, like when we were kids, it always be like, hey, we should jam. Well, how long you've been playing? I've been playing four years. Oh, I've only been playing a year. I can't play. You're gonna be too good. It's like, no, you should go play with them, because they're gonna. They're gonna pull you up. All right? So it's the same thing with this thing. You got this beautiful Colombian woman. She's gonna be leaving soon. So first of all, the fact that there's gonna be no relationship beyond this. There's gonna be no pressure. So the level of fun that you guys can have is gonna be ridiculous. So I would just start hitting on her personally. Just make subtle comments. Just tell her she. Whatever she's wearing, tell her she looks good. She asked, I don't know, should I wear this? I know you always. You look good and everything.

Bill Burr (70:59)

Really?

Bill Burr (71:00)

Yeah. I think you're beautiful just like that. And all these fucking women, too, are gonna be like, you're harassing her at work. Fuck off. Okay? He's a guy. He. At some point, he has to get off the wall and try and make something happen. Okay? It'd be one thing if women hit on guys. Then we could sit there and be like, don't talk about my pecs. Like that. God, stop complimenting me. I'm not saying to be a creep, all right? But you got to let her know that you like her. So that's what I would do. I would just compliment her, make her laugh. Be. Just be in a good. Just be a funny, chill fucking person, all right? Don't be overly aggressive. Don't be fucking needy. All of that shit freaks him the fuck out. Just freaks them out. They run in the other fucking direction. So I don't know. I don't know if you got a sense of humor or whatever. It seems like you do, the way you wrote this shit. And a lot of people that are needy and doubt themselves are funny people, okay? So I compliment her. Be a little self deprecating about yourself. Then she goes, no, I think you look good. Blah, blah, blah. And then she takes a step in your direction, and then just fucking go from there. And then just one day, just look at her say, hey, listen, I know you only gonna be here for like a month, but I really like you. I think you're beautiful, and I'd love to go out with you. Let's go hang out. Let's go do something. I'll fucking. I'll see that pile of shit over there. I'll turn into a bicycle, put you on the handlebars. I'll drive you around. Go see a movie or some shit. Who gives a fuck what she says? I'll tell you what, you. If she says no, that is gonna hurt way less than for the rest of your fucking life sitting there going, you know, why the fuck did I ever try to fucking ask that Colombian chick out? That. That lasts a lifetime. A woman shooting you down, like all you gotta do. You know how long that lasts? That lasts as long, as long it takes to call one of your friends to tell them the funny story. Back when I started off as a comedian, I swear to God I was bombing so much that it got to the point while I was bombing, I was already thinking about calling Patrice, telling him the story and listening to him laugh at me because it used to always make me feel better. Or Dane or Bobby or any of those other guys that I started out with. And like, all the humiliation, it was almost like, oh, good, I'm bombing. I have a funny story to tell those other guys. And it stopped being like a negative thing. So there you go. I don't want to fucking oversell you on this shit, but good for you. You're young, you're in a beautiful country, and a beautiful woman's gonna Be there for a month. You're supposed to have fun. All right, so there you go. Good luck to you, sir. All right, Thelma and Louise. All right. I mentioned last. Last podcast that me and Nia sat down and watched that movie and how. How incredible a movie that is, how poignant it is now. You could almost look at a Thelma Louise. Like, it was warning all of these people. Now they got these YouTube fucking cases that they had fucking had enough and that they're sick because literally every, like, strain of different type of creepy guy or lying or whatever the fuck you want to call it. And held up really well. And then I was talking about that Christopher McDonald, who plays Darryl. What? What? That guy just blew me away. All right. He said. Bill, regarding your mention of Thelma louise on the March 12 Monday Morning podcast, a couple of things I learned about that movie from the book off the Cliff. How the Making of Thelma and Louise Drove Hollywood to the Edge by Becky Aman. Drove it to the edge. I don't know about that. The movie was almost made with Jody Foster and Michelle Pfeiffer in the lead roles. Isn't that amazing? After they cast it, then you try to picture new people in there. You're like, that wouldn't have worked. You know, both of them incredible actresses. You're like, that. Why the fuck would you put them in there? Krista McDonald, who played Thelma's husband Daryl, has been engaged to Geena Davis at one time, a few years before the movie. Oh, wow. He also nearly stole the movie by improvising a lot of his role, much to the amusement of director Ridley Scott. Yeah, I thought he was. If you watch Harvey Keitel, he's literally just laughing when watching the. What this guy's doing. 3. The role of hunky cowboy originally went to Stephen Baldwin. I didn't know that. Who backed out at the last second to be in Backdraft. That's understandable. I probably got a bigger role. Five actors were brought back to audition with Gina Davis. Four brunettes.

Guest or caller (75:51)

Four.

Bill Burr (75:52)

And an unknown blonde named Brad Pitt. Davis loved Pitt, and he ended up getting the job. Years later, Davis found herself on a plane seated next to George Clooney. Clooney made a comment about Pitt stealing a role from him when they were both getting started in the business. Turns out it was the Thelma and Louise part.

Nia (76:13)

No way.

Bill Burr (76:13)

I love this shit. We should do more of this. On the podcast, George was one of the four brunettes, and Davis had never known it. Wow. What the fuck airline is that? It's definitely not Southwest group B. I can tell you that right now.

Bill Burr (76:28)

All right.

Bill Burr (76:29)

Also just saw the Ricky Gervais Netflix special Humanity in it. He has a nice bit after the 40 minute mark about intolerance, especially related to comedy. There's another segment right after the one hour mark where he discusses rape jokes and people's reaction to them. Would have crossed the border to see you in Kitchener tonight, but after all, it is St. Patrick's Day and there are bar crawls and drinking etiquettes to be observed. Erin go brah, you alabino, you albino fucking leprechaun. I fucked that up. That's Erin go bra, you alib, you albino leprechaun. Anyways. Oh, you know something? I actually learned a lot about Kitchener because I was asking, I go, what did you guys used to make here? It just had that vibe. And they all laughed. And I guess they. That was the place where they used to make Crown Royal. The Seagram family was from there. And Joe Bartnik, who should be on their wall of fame, has said, he said he's thrown out at least 400 of those purple bags in his lifetime. They also make the best striper striper, the best sniper rifles in the world where you can basically be deadly accurate from 2 1/2 miles away. And I was joking about that. Like, the power of that, like, how relaxed you could be. You know what I mean? You're two and a half miles away from the emergency. You know, your cell phone's there. So you're just going to be like, yeah, I wasn't there. Check out my cell phone. You know, all you do is put a silencer on the end of the fucking thing and you just start talking to one of your friends and then you're just looking two and a half miles down the road at this motherfucker. Is that son of a bitch, right? You got the gun half disassembled by the time it fucking hits the guy and you're gone. Perfect fucking murder. You know, it's funny. All these gun nuts are going to write in. Oh, actually they'd be able to trace the bullet and they would, you know, every time the serial numbers on the gun. Shut up. I'm joking. It's a fucking joke. Anyways, you know what's great about St. Patrick's Day was I wasn't even aware that was St. Patrick's Day when I did the Kitchener gig. And we drove all the way back and then we partied at this place called the Bill Hicks bar. And you go into the bathroom, they had all these quotes of, you know, Bill Hicks on the wall. There was, it was a bunch of stand up comics hanging out there. And we had a great time because we reached out and we trying to find a place where we could actually hang out and, and drink some non alcoholic beers. And we want to thank everybody there at the sober Bill Hicks bar for letting us act like gentlemen. All right, bill. I'm a 20 year old and I lost my older girlfriend who has kids. Congratulations. This. This is a fucking. This is a problem. Hey, Bill, I've been a fan for a while and I know you have plenty of advice in that shiny head of yours. Not saying any of it's good or professional. For the last four months, I've really been beating myself up because I didn't stand up for myself. And I let the most amazing girl I've ever met go back to her ex because I didn't think I could support her and her two kids. I've had many girlfriends before. Dude, you're 20 before her. And I've been sad about a breakup, but not like this. I was drinking heavily and taking pain pills. Dude, don't do that. Because I know I can't have her back. I don't know how to move forward from here. I've gotten myself off the pills. Great. And I've cut down the drinking, but I can't seem to feel anything for any other girl. I just don't really have any drive without her. What should I do now? Thanks. Even if you don't get around to this, first of all, forgive yourself, all right? There's not a person out there, all right, that hasn't up a relationship unless you just marry the first person that you're with. You know, like they used to do back in the turn of the last century. Hey, I do. I mean, I up like 3 before I found Nia. Just, just really them up and thought I'd never get past. I mean, you know what you do. This is a great time for you, okay? Because what you're learning to do is pick yourself up off the mat. Do you remember, you ever see that George Foreman fight when he fights Ali and he goes down and decades later they asked him about being down on the canvas and he said, you know what? You know what the truth is? He goes, I could have got up, I just never been there before, all right? And after that, look at him. The guy came back when he was like in his 40s and won the fucking heavyweight title. So look, this is the first time you've been knocked on your ass like this, and this is great. You're gonna learn something from it. And you're single. And you know what? The fact that you can't feel anything about anybody else new is because you're a good person. You actually have feeling for this other person. So what you do is you just fucking go out, hang with your friends, have a good time. If you meet some chicken, ask, she asks you what your dealers say. I just went through a bad breakup. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I swear to God, they'll don't want to cheer you up so much, you probably get a fucking blowjob out of it. I'm telling you, they love a fucking fixer upper. They love a little sad goddamn face. Just say, I fucked up a relationship and I'm heartbroken about it. What's going on with you? As opposed to fucking, you know, leading

Bill Burr (82:17)

them on and acting like you like

Bill Burr (82:18)

them, and then they find out you hung up on some other girl. That's when they get mad and fucking do the destruction of property not get prosecuted for it. You know, there's actually a commercial out right now where this woman's just breaking this guy's and throwing it out the window. Like that's totally fine. You know, I. I don't understand that at all. So that's what I would say. Okay, buddy, I gotta be honest with you, okay? I know she's great and everything, but she's older than you and she has kids. That's a hell of a fucking thing to paratroop into, all right? Just someday you're gonna meet another one. You're gonna find the real fucking thing, all right? And you know, there's not gonna be, oh, can you support me and all my fucking kids that I had with somebody else? Or I'm gonna go back to that guy. That sounds like a fucking country song. Here, dude, you don't need that shit. You're gonna find some fucking girl. You're gonna. Who knows, a year from now, two years from now, three, four years, whatever, you're gonna find the fucking love of your life, okay? And you know what? You're gonna wish you did someday during the time before you met her is went out and had a good time and banged everything you possibly could. But then reason consensually with a condom there. Did I say it right? Go out and have a great time. Enjoy your life. Because someday you're gonna make the girl, your dreams, the person you're supposed to be with, all right? And you're gonna get married and you're gonna have a kid.

Bill Burr (83:40)

And.

Bill Burr (83:40)

And then even though you love all of them and everything, you know your podcast is going to be late because you got to go to. You got to go down to the Easter Bunny. You got to do it. You can't miss that. And all your free time is going to be gone. It's not going to be a bad thing because you're going to love your kids so much. However, you are going to think back to a lot of the free time he had, thinking, jesus Christ, why the didn't I do this and that? So all this woman did was give you a great opportunity to go out and enjoy yourself, all right? And when nobody's looking, put your face in the pillow and cry it out of you. Do it every day. That's what they do. You gotta. You gotta cry yourself. They never tell guys to do that, right? Cry yourself into acceptance, forgive yourself and all of that. And in the meantime, have a great time, all right? Go get a kegerator, watch a little March Madness, go to the gym, get in great shape. There's all kinds of positive things you can do, all right? Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Oh, boy, oh boy. The next one is fucked. My roommate's sister. Jesus Christ. The fucking animals that listen to this podcast. It's almost like I attract them with my own ignorance. All right? Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Dear Billy Hot Lips. My wife and I have been happily married for 13 years. We live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Well, not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story, but I'm going to be in. I'm going to be at the Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma, coming in the next few months. Okay? All right. Where we met at the University of. I'm not going to say the university. Okay? We have two children, ages 10 and 7, and have a really comfortable life together. The other night, I took my wife out for a date night. Dinner and bowling. The bowling sounds lame, but remember, it's Tulsa, dude. Bowling is the shit you get in the league. It's fucking awesome. Anyways, my wife and I went up to the bar at the bowling alley, and when the bartender saw her, he gave her a weird look. Sort of like, haven't I met you before? After taking our order, he came back with drinks and said, enjoy, Mitzi. I was shocked when he knew her name, and I gave my wife a puzzled look. We took the drinks and went back to our lane, and I asked her how he could know her name. She said she has no idea and checked her shirt, as if for some reason she was wearing a name tag. After a few minutes, when she couldn't think of an excuse or a lie, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that he was the bartender from the hotel where we had our wedding reception. She said the night before our wedding, after our rehearsal dinner, her and her bridesmaids went to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a couple of drinks. Everyone then went up to bed but my wife. Good friends. Oh, everyone went over to Belmont, but my wife snuck down to go talk to the bartender. Oh, wait a minute. My apologies to her friends. She told him that she's getting married tomorrow but wants one more night with another man before giving herself to me. So she took him up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with him, which, by the way, is the same bed that we consummated our marriage in the next night. Oh, God. She told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than her wanting to end her single life with a bang. Not a whimper. Literally, a bang. She claims she has never had doubts about us and that she is sorry that I found out, but she doesn't regret the cheating because it assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever. Yeah, buddy, you try the same thing. And then tell her that, hey, it meant nothing. And when I was banging her, I was like, you know what? Yeah, yeah, I am with the right broad. After hearing this, I asked if she had cheated since we've been married, and she said no, which I believe. We left the bowling alley and drove home in bitter silence. I'm not spoken to her in about a week now, other than when it pertains to the kids and other important matters. She's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows I don't want to be around her. However, I know I need to confront her about this, but I am unsure how to go about it. I think the only scenarios are divorce or basically accepting and forgiving, neither of which I want to do at this moment. Watches. You're fucking right. I'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because I'm embarrassed. So I'm hoping you can give advice, love the podcast, and go fuck yourself. I tell her exactly what you just told me. Just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting and forgiving, but I'm not ready to do either one at this moment. Okay? And you're gonna have to accept that and my mood around you because of your actions. All right. And by the way, I'm not telling any of my family and friends about this because I'm so embarrassed. Okay. And then I would recommend going to some sort of couples therapy because that is a mind fuck beyond any of my bar room advice. But you seem pretty well emotionally, where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. I would just communicate it to her. And she better not pull this of like. See? Just not going to talk to me for him. Make it about herself. I don't know. I think the only way. How do you stay? I mean, you gotta stay because the kids are there, which is such a situation. And then. All right, the positive side is she actually owned up to it. Negative. She waited 13 years and two kids. All right, let's not do the positive and negative because I feel like once. This is going to be like a bad super bowl here. Yeah, I don't know. What is the solution? You get to fuck somebody. I don't know. And it sounds to me like you didn't even want to do that, so that's not going to be a fucking solution. I don't know. I would get professional help when you're ready to sit down and talk about it. Listen, it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn relationship, but you were getting married the next day and then fucked in the own guy, you know, in literally that bed. I have to be honest with you, man, that's pretty hardcore. That's like guy level piece of shit behavior. Although women are totally capable of it. That's just that that's not their M.O. because they're so good at being pieces of shit that everybody thinks they're not. We're guys, we just constantly get caught with their fucking pants down. Oh, you said you're gonna be home later. That's your excuse? Well, I mean, aren't you also being dishonest? All right. My roommate's sister. Oh, boy. All right. Dear Billy Bernacles, my roommate's sister and I now need your help. My roommate sister. That's the only way I can get through these because these are so fucking sad. My roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed. My place or what have you. She invited me out with her and I said, fuck yeah, I'm paraphrasing all this. You know, she is pretty much our same age, mid-20s as I hung out

Bill Burr (91:26)

With a lot of our.

Bill Burr (91:27)

With, you know, and has hung out a lot with our group of friends, and I've known her for five years now and consider her a friend outside of just my friend's sister. This is how I justify what the fuck I did at the end of this letter. So I figured, what the hell, maybe she could be a good wingman I could hit it off with with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Hey, Nia just walked in. Nia, this guy just found out he was at a bowling alley. He's in a bowling league with his wife or whatever. They're out bowling.

Nia (92:02)

Can I just ask a question? Was that your attempt at a Southern accent or what was that that you were just doing?

Bill Burr (92:08)

Oh, it's because these are so sad. I just have to do it in a silly accent because I don't hear it. Was that a bad accent?

Nia (92:13)

Yeah.

Bill Burr (92:14)

No, it isn't. That's a funny accent.

Nia (92:16)

Okay. I mean, yeah, funny.

Bill Burr (92:17)

I'm not trying to, like, be like, legitimately. Jesus Christ.

Nia (92:23)

I came in making fun of you. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Hi.

Bill Burr (92:27)

Criticism. It never ends. Was that's your idea of a. Yeah, I'm giving you. Okay. I just seem like.

Nia (92:36)

Why are you being so sensitive?

Bill Burr (92:37)

Because it sounded like you were serious.

Nia (92:39)

Oh, see, now you're on Instagram. You're gonna get all, like, weird about stuff, man.

Bill Burr (92:44)

I don't even know what that I tell you right now. I can't even. I don't even understand Instagram.

Nia (92:48)

What?

Bill Burr (92:48)

Where are all the whores?

Nia (92:50)

What?

Bill Burr (92:51)

Where are all the Instagram whores? All I get is just shit from people that I know.

Nia (92:55)

Do you want to be following Instagram models?

Bill Burr (92:58)

I want to see them.

Nia (93:00)

Well, I'm sure after this, people will send you loads of lamps.

Bill Burr (93:04)

Well, half the ones you look at. What do you think of these shoes? What are those shoes? What about those tits hanging out? Oh, so this guy, he's out bowling is Tania. Is your fucking iced coffee big enough for you?

Nia (93:17)

It's a smoothie and it's. This is a regular size.

Bill Burr (93:21)

I love you all you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight. It's like a giant chocolate shake.

Nia (93:25)

I'm not. This is not obviously to lose weight. I just wanted a nice natural fucking drink.

Bill Burr (93:31)

Do we need to start again?

Nia (93:33)

I guess so we're getting off in the wrong.

Bill Burr (93:35)

So this fucking guy goes out to bowling eggs. Been married 13 years. He's got two kids, like a 10 year old and a fucking 7 or 8 year old or something. Like that, right? So they're bowling and they go up to get some drinks. And said when they went up there that the bartender kind of gave his wife a weird look. And then when he gave the drinks to her, he said, hey, have a good night, Mitzi, like, knew her name. So they go back over and he goes, how the fuck did he know your name? And she acted dumbfounded to the point of actually pretending to look for a name on her shirt. I don't know. And then she just couldn't come up with a good line. She finally just said the night before their wedding, she banged the guy, but hasn't banged anyone since. She goes, she said her and her friends were downstairs in the hotel lobby drinking. They all went to bed. And at night she snuck down and told the bartender she wanted one last bang, literally before she got married and went up to the honeymoon suite where they consummated their marriage the next night and fucked that guy in that bed.

Nia (94:35)

Oh, Mitzi, you are a dirty dog.

Bill Burr (94:39)

And then claim that she never did anything like that again. I mean, that's pretty reptilian, cold blooded behavior.

Bill Burr (94:46)

Yeah.

Nia (94:46)

And I like, what's the bartender doing? Like, keep it on the low, man.

Bill Burr (94:52)

Like, yeah, he's an.

Nia (94:53)

There you go, Mitzi.

Bill Burr (94:56)

And you know, and you know he saw the wedding rings. He must.

Nia (94:59)

Yeah, like he, he can't be cool. Like he just had to be that guy. Well, so what is he asking? What do I do?

Bill Burr (95:06)

Yeah, because she's not sleeping in the thing. And he said the only solution is divorce or a forgiver in the bedroom. But she's sleeping on the cot. No, he hasn't talked to her in a week other than dealing with shit that they have to talk about, which is the kids, because he's not ready to. And he's saying that either they get fucking divorced or he forgives her. But he hasn't told any of his friends and family because he's so embarrassed.

Nia (95:28)

I understand that. Yeah. I mean, you made this whole life with her. You have kids with her. I don't know. Is that really a deal breaker? That's the thing though is she's still like, messing around. That's the thing. The trust is broken. So how do you repair the trust?

Bill Burr (95:49)

Couples therapy.

Nia (95:50)

Yeah, that's the only way. I mean, is she interested in, like, me? Was she apologizing profusely? Was she like, I'm so ashamed. Like, I should never have done was wrong, you know, I love you so much. Like, I love our family. Like, I'll do Anything to like, make this better.

Bill Burr (96:07)

Because that's, that's a hell of a thing to do. To do the night before your marriage. You're getting married in the bed that you then your husband in. Do you believe that? She's never done it again?

Nia (96:19)

I don't know.

Bill Burr (96:20)

I don't.

Nia (96:22)

I believe it because I feel like women can do that. Like do that.

Bill Burr (96:25)

Do you see what I'm saying? How good they are at being pieces of shit? They all cover each other. I think that women can do that. Guys can't do that, but we can do that.

Bill Burr (96:34)

Yeah.

Bill Burr (96:35)

All right, get out.

Nia (96:38)

You're kicking me out?

Bill Burr (96:39)

I'm kicking you out.

Nia (96:40)

I'm not saying that guys can't do that, but yeah, I feel like she's capable of like.

Bill Burr (96:43)

Then why would you say that women can do that?

Nia (96:46)

Because I'm talking about women.

Bill Burr (96:47)

So why, why wouldn't you say that? Well, I feel like some people can

Nia (96:50)

do that because I don't have to use your language to get like my point across.

Bill Burr (96:54)

But you just sort of made it just about women though. I just. Interesting. I'm cross examining you right now.

Nia (96:59)

It's kind of fine.

Bill Burr (97:00)

But you try to worm your way out of this bullshit.

Nia (97:02)

Trying to worm their way out of anything.

Bill Burr (97:03)

Wriggle. Yeah, keep drinking your fucking drink there. So my roommate sister was in town this weekend. While he was out of town, she was going to the bars with some of friends, crashing on her brother's bed in the place. She invited me out with her and I said sure. I figured she'd make a heck of a wingman and I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Anyways, we came back to my apartment where she was going to stay in her brother's bed. Before I knew it, one thing led to another and I was banging her, like for now. What? All of a sudden the clothes fly off and she bends over? It started with some making out and she was the one who said, let's go to your bed before you start thinking this is going to turn into the wrong side of a MeToo story. Hilarious that he even puts that in there. I did sound it all MeToo. All right. In the morning we both regretted it and she said it would probably be best not to tell my roommate and her brother about the incident. Unfortunately, she was able to leave and go back to her place five hours away while I have to see the guy every single day.

Bill Burr (98:09)

Okay.

Bill Burr (98:10)

I also did it with no condom like a drunken idiot. So I've Been freaking out about STDs in pregnancy, even though I'm 99% sure I did finish and made her get plan B the next night. I'm pretty sure.

Nia (98:22)

Extra careful.

Bill Burr (98:23)

He's probably an accountant major. I'm pretty sure she'll never tell him, but I'm kind of a pussy and feel like I. I'll be plagued with guilt every time I hang out with the guy. What should I do? I'm sort of panicking and have a weight on my chest for the last week. Should I suck it up and go to the grave with this? I told a guy, a couple of friends about this to get it up my conscience, and now I'm afraid one of them might let it sit. Oh, dude, you don't do that. Let it slip. One of these nights while we're all out drinking, should I get ahead of the story and just tell them and suffer the consequences? Or maybe I should stop being a cunt and worry about people with actual problems. I don't know. Glad you're okay. I. I would say this. I would say this. You're like that guy that commits a fucking crime with somebody else, and then you're the guy they have to whack because you're gonna flip. And what you basically did was you flipped on yourself and you ratted yourself out to two other fucking people. All right, so in the swirl of trash that's now gonna happen, I bet for upwards of 10 years or maybe

Bill Burr (99:31)

never,

Bill Burr (99:34)

if you do something like that and you both agree to keep your fucking mouth shut, that's what you should have done. Because this isn't just about you. It's also about his relationship with his sister. All right, so you're both adults. It was consensual. You didn't want it to happen, it happened. And you both said that was a fucking mistake. Nobody's married here. There's no kid involved. I wouldn't have said shit.

Nia (99:59)

Yeah, I think you should just keep your trap shut and just move on with your life.

Bill Burr (100:03)

Yeah, and you also have to go kill your two friends. You never watch those JFK conspiracies. Yeah.

Nia (100:13)

Why'd you tell the other two guys? Because he just felt so guilty about it.

Bill Burr (100:16)

Yeah, it's a telltale heart. Except this is ball bag dick throbbing underneath the floor.

Nia (100:22)

It's really not. It's. Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, if she did turn out to be pregnant and kept it, yes, of course you'd have to come clean.

Bill Burr (100:31)

But you even say, go through with an abortion without. He doesn't need to know.

Nia (100:36)

No, I wasn't gonna say that. What are you talking about?

Bill Burr (100:38)

As you said, if you got pregnant, she got pregnant and decided to keep it, then you say something. But if she got pregnant and didn't want to keep it, you don't say shit.

Nia (100:46)

No, you don't say it. But she took the plan B.

Bill Burr (100:49)

So is this like. This feels like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I'm just picturing Judge Reinhold in that big blue car.

Nia (100:55)

I know, but she didn't get an abortion. She took a plan B. So it's. It's. It's fine.

Bill Burr (100:59)

Sir, do you sell stereos? That's for old people would get that joke. She banged that guy with soul to stereo.

Nia (101:05)

Oh, yeah. She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight. It's really creepy. Song choice.

Bill Burr (101:15)

Oh, and he bangs her right on that fucking bench.

Nia (101:18)

Horrible. Yeah, she's such a cutie pie that when she was that age. Jennifer, Jason Lee. I like that movie ageism, too.

Bill Burr (101:27)

She's not a cutie pie now.

Nia (101:29)

No, she's a beautiful woman now, but she was a cutie pie when she was younger.

Bill Burr (101:34)

When we return, there's nothing there for

Nia (101:36)

you to dig up. There's nothing there.

Bill Burr (101:37)

Well, that's. Well, that's the age we live in. If there is nothing here, if there's something there or there's nothing there, you're still going to be punished. Oh, you look extra pretty today.

Nia (101:46)

Oh, thanks.

Bill Burr (101:47)

What'd you do

Bill Burr (101:50)

since I left?

Bill Burr (101:51)

I don't know. You fucking a guy at a bowling alley?

Nia (101:53)

Yep. Hand me a drink and be like,

Bill Burr (101:55)

how you doing, Mitzi?

Nia (101:58)

That's gonna be my code name now. If I do step out on you, I'm going by Mitzi.

Bill Burr (102:07)

You know what, Nia? I'm so old, that guy be doing me a favor. Oh. BB doesn't have an in him anymore. Climb on top. I'm too old? No.

Nia (102:16)

You're just as much of a stallion

Bill Burr (102:19)

now as the day I met you. Ah, boy. The truth hurts. The truth hurts. I tell you. I'd rather take a nap at this point.

Nia (102:28)

No, you would not.

Bill Burr (102:30)

I would.

Nia (102:30)

No, you. You'd rather take a nap than bang me.

Bill Burr (102:33)

Yeah.

Bill Burr (102:33)

What?

Bill Burr (102:34)

Yeah.

Nia (102:35)

Oh, no. We gotta fix this.

Bill Burr (102:36)

See how that works, everybody? That's exactly how it's done. All right, that's it.

Bill Burr (102:43)

That's the best lesson I could have taught anybody.

Bill Burr (102:45)

All right, have a great week. You come hunts. I'll talk to you on Thursday.

Bill Burr (103:13)

Sam,

Guest or caller (103:47)

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now? The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time, scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment with its two juicy beef patties and three slices of melted cheese topped with tangy Big Arch sauce. The Big Arch is what happens when you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The Big Arch the most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time.