219. “He’s so cheap it’s killing our joy” - Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi

Transcript

Ramit Sethi (0:00)

If you're on a date, when should you bring up money without it being weird? If you're in a relationship, how do you talk about money so that the two of you are not fighting? This September, I'm going to show you how to handle these questions and turn them into opportunities that will bring your relationship closer together. Join me at Money and Couples Live in Atlanta on September 14th and Love and Money in Los Angeles September 26th with special guest Matthew Hussey. Bring your partner at 15 years, 15 days or come solo. You will leave understanding how to talk about money. Tickets are available now@iwt.com events.

Angela (0:42)

We're living too little of a life is the problem. He just says no all the time.

Brian (0:46)

I just cringe. It's not about her. It's about the spending of money going out. I don't want the experience. I don't need it.

Angela (0:52)

One of my hobbies is also bargain shopping and it drives him crazy. So he'll say why do we need eight jars of peanut butter? And I'll say because they were $1.99 so I'm actually saving us money.

Ramit Sethi (1:06)

How often do you talk about this?

Brian (1:08)

Oh, almost every day.

Angela (1:09)

Every day? Almost every day.

Brian (1:11)

Why are we wasting money on ridiculous food that no one eats?

Angela (1:15)

So finally we went and we had a really good time and then when we left he said, okay, that's off your bucket list now, right? Check. Mark that off.

Ramit Sethi (1:23)

What was with that comment?

Brian (1:24)

Stop adding things to your list of things to go out and spend money on. I need to control and that's what it comes down to.

Ramit Sethi (1:30)

Listen to this line from their application. I just worry that life is passing us by and we can be doing and spending more on life. We never eat out. Vacations are once a year. He always thinks we are poor. I need someone to tell him that we are okay money wise so he can live life before it's too late. Today I'm speaking with Angela and Brian. They're both 52 years old. They've been together since they were in high school and they've been married for 28 years. They've raised four children together and soon they will be empty nesters. But right now money is pulling them apart. Angela is saying, is this all life is going to be? Now let's look at the numbers on their conscious spending plan or csp. You can download your own copy of the CSP for free@iwt.com CSP it's the exact tool I use in every episode. Income $188,000 Assets 961,000 Investments 890,000. Debt 294,000 Total net worth 1.57 million. Fixed costs 72%. Investments, 35%. Okay. At 52, we have some good progress here. They're investing aggressively. They've built real wealth. But 72% on fixed costs is a red flag, especially at their ages. I imagine they are feeling very tight with money. And it also sounds like Angela's ready to enjoy life. But Brian thinks they are broke, which, looking at their numbers, that is clearly not the case. I have a lot of questions. Let's get into it. Angela, in your application you wrote, I think we are totally fine and can retire in five years. He thinks if we don't have 50 grand in the bank, we can never retire.

Summary

Podcast Summary: Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi Episode 219: “He’s so cheap it’s killing our joy” Release Date: July 29, 2025

Introduction: Angela and Brian’s Financial Struggle

In Episode 219 of Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi, host Ramit delves into the financial tensions plaguing Angela and Brian, a couple married for 28 years and soon-to-be empty nesters. Despite their substantial income and investments, their differing money mindsets are creating significant strain in their relationship.

Understanding the Financial Landscape

Ramit begins by examining Angela and Brian’s Conscious Spending Plan (CSP):

Income: $188,000 annually
Assets: $961,000
Investments: $890,000
Debt: $294,000
Total Net Worth: $1.57 million
Fixed Costs: 72%
Investments: 35%

At 52 years old, they have made commendable progress in building wealth. However, their high fixed costs are causing them to feel financially tight, especially from Angela's perspective, who desires to enjoy life more actively.

Divergent Views on Spending and Retirement

Angela’s Perspective: Angela believes they are financially secure and ready to retire within five years. She emphasizes frugality and saving, often engaging in bargain shopping to stretch their budget:

“One of my hobbies is also bargain shopping and it drives him crazy.” – Angela [00:46]

She expresses frustration over their limited spending on experiences, such as dining out or vacations, feeling that these sacrifices are diminishing their quality of life:

“We’re living too little of a life is the problem.” – Angela [00:42]

Brian’s Perspective: Brian, on the other hand, clings to the belief instilled by his father-in-law that they need a million dollars to retire. Despite their current net worth surpassing this figure by 50%, Brian remains anxious and feels the need to continue working longer to ensure financial security:

“I just worry that life is passing us by and we can be doing and spending more on life.” – Angela [01:06] “I need to control and that's what it comes down to.” – Brian [08:47]

Ramit’s Financial Analysis and Insights

Ramit challenges Brian’s long-held belief about needing a million dollars for retirement:

“Just because someone says something with confidence when you're 18 years old does not mean you should let that shape your entire worldview.” – Ramit Sethi [09:16]

He meticulously breaks down their finances, highlighting that their fixed costs are not as dire as Brian perceives:

“You have a very low interest rate and you're paying extra. So it’s probably more like 22 or something.” – Ramit Sethi [24:43]

Ramit emphasizes the importance of celebrating their financial achievements rather than solely focusing on perceived shortcomings.

Coaching Session: Unmasking Money Dynamics

Ramit facilitates a transformative conversation between Angela and Brian, encouraging them to recognize the "sitcom dynamic" that has kept their financial disputes in a loop for decades. He guides them to identify the roles they unconsciously play:

Angela as the Justifier: Always rationalizing purchases to convince Brian.
Brian as the Decider/Victim: Reluctant to spend and control urges.

Notable exchanges include:

“If you just say yes and our feelings change later, it’s like, yes.” – Ramit Sethi [73:51] “We have the Money. We're fine. You don't have to worry about that.” – Angela [63:42]

Reconciliation and Future Planning

Through guided discussions, Angela and Brian begin to align their financial goals with their personal desires. They explore options like retiring in five to ten years, optimizing their mortgage payments, and redirecting funds to investments. Ramit encourages them to:

Create Shared Experiences: Such as monthly date nights.
Reconceptualize Their Relationship with Money: Focusing on meaningful spending rather than petty disputes.

Key Takeaways and Actions

Brian:

Plans to transfer Roth IRAs to Vanguard.
Commits to being a better husband by reducing negativity and fostering shared experiences.

“I've been fighting this fight for a long time.” – Brian [49:07]

Angela:

Recognizes the need to balance saving with living a fulfilling life.
Takes steps to optimize retirement contributions and explores additional income avenues.

“Maybe it’s not about the money. We spend money on things that are meaningful to us.” – Angela [65:12]

Conclusion: Moving Forward Together

Ramit wraps up the episode by underscoring the importance of a shared vision for a "Rich Life." He highlights that while Angela and Brian have amassed significant wealth, their true challenge lies in harmonizing their financial habits with their emotional and relational needs. By addressing the deeper money psychology and fostering open communication, couples can transform financial disputes into opportunities for strengthening their connection.

Notable Quotes

“You can’t change that, right? Can’t change your rules.” – Brian [13:01]
“Stop adding things to your list of things to go out and spend money on.” – Brian [08:47]
“When you play small for too long, that’s all you know.” – Ramit Sethi [70:58]
“We have a lot of good answers for every question. You’re just still not getting anywhere.” – Ramit Sethi [49:07]

Final Thoughts

Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi Episode 219 masterfully illustrates how ingrained financial beliefs and habits can strain even long-standing relationships. Through empathetic coaching and financial analysis, Ramit empowers Angela and Brian to break free from their destructive patterns and collaboratively build a more fulfilling future.

For more insights on managing money within relationships, tune into Money For Couples and explore Ramit’s strategies for achieving a harmonious and prosperous partnership.