225. “We’re losing $5k/mo. Where is it all going?”

Summary

Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi

Episode 225: “We’re losing $5k/mo. Where is it all going?”

Original Air Date: September 9, 2025
Host: Ramit Sethi
Guests: Lashawn (50) and David (49)

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Overview

In this deeply moving episode, Ramit Sethi sits down with married couple Lashawn and David, whose financial and personal lives have just been deeply disrupted. Lashawn, the long-time financial leader of her family, recently made the difficult choice to retire early from her federal job due to a terminal cancer diagnosis. As household income plummets, they discover an eye-popping $5,000 a month in "guilt-free spending" with no clear idea of where it’s all going. Ramit helps them unravel not just the numbers, but the underlying roles, identities, and anxieties that surface as they shift from survival mode towards creating meaningful time together.

The episode is not just about crunching numbers—it's a raw, compassionate journey into family dynamics, fear, legacy, and what it means to build a Rich Life when time is running short.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Crisis and Context: Retirement Decision Under Duress

• Lashawn’s Sudden Retirement: Explains she took early retirement due to an uncertain job situation after a new federal administration forced changes to remote work accommodations.

• Terminal Cancer Diagnosis: Lashawn’s cancer returned as metastatic and incurable. She is clear-eyed, practical, but it’s triggered deep anxiety about her family’s future.

• Decision Timeline: The couple had only days to make the retirement decision—a key source of Lashawn's current panic.

  “The fear is probably the big one...how do we maintain our life, pay our bills, and...how do we make sure that however many years that I have, we are in a good position and then even when I'm gone, that he's in a good position...”
  —Lashawn (03:22)

• David’s Support: He supported the retirement, seeing it as the best option given government pressures and Lashawn’s health.

2. The Numbers: Clarity on Finances

• Their Financial Snapshot (as of beginning of episode):

  • Assets: $586,952

  • Investments: $824,198

  • Savings: $30,377

  • Debt: $227,457

  • Total Net Worth: ~$1.2 Million

  • Fixed Costs: 50% of income

  • Savings: 6%

  • Guilt-Free Spending: 44% ($5,000/month)

  • Investments: 0% of monthly take-home (but large pre-tax holdings)

  • Current annual combined income: ~$217,000/month

  • Lashawn's sudden drop in income anticipated: from $9,500/month to $6,700/month pre-tax after retirement.

  “Honestly, these numbers look pretty great for a couple in their late 40s, early 50s, but I suspect these numbers are going to change quite a bit with one income coming down...So I have a lot of questions.”
  —Ramit (01:47)

• Discovery: Neither knows specifically where the “$5,000/month” in spending is going.

3. Tracking the Mystery Expenses

• Eating Out: Initially estimated at five times a week; actual likely closer to 15 due to kitchen being unusable.

• Vacations: Two cruises last year ($5,500 & $8,000), gifts ($2,000/year), movies, gym memberships.

• Debt Payments Masking Spending: Lashawn realizes she's been putting large sums toward debt, which skews the “guilt-free” number.

• Children's Costs: Support for three kids (23, 18, 13).

  "Whatever they tell me for eating out...Triple it and we will get there. It is cosmically true."
  —Ramit (24:45)

4. Roles & Emotional Dynamics Around Money

• Lashawn is the "financial leader": meticulously tracks, plans, pays down debts, automates (but also manually double-pays).

• David: “ignorant reassurer”—offers verbal reassurance (“it’ll be fine!”) while leaving the details to Lashawn.

• Lashawn has repeatedly asked David to be more involved (over 15 years!), but defaulted back to doing it herself.

  “When something goes on repeatedly for years and years...you just start to think like, that's the way it is. It can't change.”
  —Ramit (52:44)

• Project Manager Identity: Lashawn's sense of safety/control comes from tracking every dollar, which has roots in a childhood of financial instability.

  "I had a lot of moving around and just being unsure...My sense of creating a safe environment is very much wrapped up in making sure bills are paid."
  —Lashawn (38:42, 62:06)

• David buys sneakers (150+ pairs) he couldn't afford as a child. Spends guilt-free now, fulfilling old wishes.

• Both realize that the dynamic—one person in control, the other passive—won't work as Lashawn’s illness progresses.

5. Emotional Challenges and New Roles

• Unlocking Deeper Fears:

  • For Lashawn, it’s not just about outliving her savings, but whether her family can survive—and thrive—without her managing everything.
  • For David, it’s about stepping into a leadership/support role out of love and necessity, not default.

  “If you were not here tomorrow, it would be very chaotic with the family finances...You haven’t really engaged with money as a team in like 20 years...now we see the end game...”
  —Ramit (51:18)

• Letting Go and Playing Big: Ramit encourages Lashawn to hand over "project manager" duties and instead design the family's remaining years for joy, memories, and legacy.

  "Right now, the worldview, the project manager lenses that you have put on are actually preventing you from doing that...What is your vision for this family, with this family for my remaining time? Surely your vision has got to be bigger and more powerful than paying bills."
  —Ramit (61:00)

• Creating New Traditions and Big Moments:

  • Letting the kids order drinks at dinners, starting family meetings, involving David and kids in planning trips and finances.
  • Making legacy about joy, connection, and capability for her family after she’s gone.

6. Key Action Steps & Agreements

• David commits to becoming the "enabler": taking over finances, involving the kids, and supporting Lashawn emotionally and practically.

• Lashawn agrees to loosen her grip on control and accept help, focusing on meaningful time and memory-making.

• Plan to consult a flat-fee financial advisor for scenario planning (death, income changes, insurance).

• Scheduled money meetings, shared passwords, and transparent bill tracking.

  “Whatever it takes, I’ll take it…David is saying, I’m willing to step up and take some of that load off. Are you hearing it?”
  —Ramit (56:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Childhood Money Lessons:

  “When I pay my credit card and it goes down to zero, I am so happy… It was always, like, a sense of security and safety because I didn’t have that when I was younger.”
  —Lashawn (39:59)

• Facing Mortality:

  “One of the things you want is to make sure your family is protected. …If you were not here tomorrow, it would be very chaotic with the family finances.”
  —Ramit (51:18)

• Letting Go:

  “It would be so nice to have him do all of that thinking every day instead of me doing that thinking every day.”
  —Lashawn (56:24)

• Project Manager vs. Life Partner:

  “Let’s take those lenses off and let’s come into this relationship not as a project manager…Who are you now that you’ve taken those project manager lenses off?”
  —Ramit (59:07)

  “A wife. And a mom. A good friend. A person who loves to travel with my family.”
  —Lashawn (59:07-59:21)

• Designing a Rich Life:

  “Spend as much time together as a family. Traveling, exercising, trying new recipes, meeting friends for lunch...That would be an amazing way to spend my day.”
  —Lashawn (62:44-63:09)

• Making Change Visible:

  "When you take those lenses off and you go, what do we actually want to do? And we actually can do most of the things, that's a different role."
  —Ramit (74:52)

• Legacy Moment:

  "Because we can afford it and it's a small thing that you enjoy. So we want to be able to enjoy the small and big things."
  —Lashawn, on finally letting the kids order sodas at dinner (78:05)

• Closing Reflection:

  “How do you feel now versus when we started our conversation?”
  “I feel like I see the possibility for joy.”
  —Lashawn (95:55-96:00)

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Important Timestamps

• Decision Context & Panic: 03:22 – 11:07
• Net Worth Reveal & Family Roles: 16:53 – 21:22
• Spending Mystery & Expenses Breakdown: 23:01 – 27:02
• Debt Details & Impulse Spending: 31:33 – 33:38
• Childhood Money Psychology: 38:42 – 43:07
• Letting Go of Old Roles: 47:33 – 53:21
• Transition Plan & Emotional Labor: 55:43 – 62:34
• Redesigning the Spending Plan: 81:26 – 86:57
• Family Legacy and Joy: 91:18 – 94:01
• Episode Closing & Takeaways: 99:11 – 101:21

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Conclusion and Takeaways

This episode is a masterclass in how money, identity, and relationships intersect—especially under the shadow of mortality. Ramit shows not only how to unravel technical financial confusion but also how to transform roles built for survival into a legacy focused on joy, connection, and long-term empowerment.

Major Lessons:

• The real emotional labor is not in numbers, but in letting go and letting others step up.
• Building a Rich Life in crisis means shifting from “project manager” to architect of joy and memory.
• Even deep family roles and identities can—and sometimes must—change.
• Transparency, communication, and intentionality are as important as the “right” budget or investment.

Follow-Up:
In the follow-up, Lashawn and David report real change—they shared credentials, reviewed all bills together, and had their first true "money meeting." Both recognize the importance of moving forward as a team, not just as individuals with roles calcified by habit and fear.

“I feel challenged. I feel like there’s something for me to prove...I’m willing to take on that challenge and be the leader.”
—David (95:32)

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Final Reflection

What if the ultimate goal is not just financial survival, but joy, togetherness, and memories—especially when time is short?
This episode answers that question with humility, honesty, and hope.

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(For listeners seeking practical guidance, Ramit references his free tools and recommends seeking a flat-fee financial advisor for scenario planning. He encourages all couples, regardless of circumstance, to communicate openly, automate what can be automated, and design a Rich Life unique to their values.)

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For further resources and bonus mini-course: iwt.com/mindsetpod

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, I want to help you talk about money. So it's not causing fights, but it's actually fun. Talking about money does not have to end in resentment or each of you sleeping on opposite ends of the bed. Money can actually bring you together. At my events, which are coming up soon, you're going to learn specific word for word scripts that you can use in your relationship to keep those conversations going instead of them shutting down. I'm going to show you how real couples pay down their debt fast. I'm going to show you how they create a shared vision of what they want their money to do for them. And you're going to leave immediately ready to use what you learned at the event. On your car ride home, reserve your seat before tickets are gone. Go to iwt.com events.

[B]

I don't think that we're spending that much. I don't think that's right.

[A]

$5,000 a month on guilt free spending. Where is it? I don't know.

[C]

She pretty much takes care of that. She handles it. Oftentimes she may pay bills that I don't know about.

[B]

If I extra, I'm like $1,000 on the credit card, $1,500 on the HELOC. I don't think that's happening.

[A]

Where's the rest of the money going? $5,000 a month. What are you spending money on? Listen to what Lashan wrote in her application. I manage the finances, which is already stressful. I just opted to retire early from my federal job due to health concerns, and now I'm even more anxious. I worry that I made the wrong decision and, and that my family will be on the street because of it. Today I'm talking with Lashawn and David. She's 50, he's 49. And their entire financial life just changed overnight. Lashawn made the decision to retire very quickly, and you're going to hear why in our conversation. But as the one managing their money, she is panicked. Did I make a huge mistake? Are we going to lose everything? And now they're asking the same question many couples do when their income changes. Are we going to be okay? Let's look at their numbers. I'm going to pull up their conscious spending plan right now, which tells me how much they make, how much they spend, and what their four key numbers are. If you want to run your own numbers the same way I do, download your free conscious spending [e-mail] CSP Here we go. Assets 586,952. Investments 824,198. Savings 30,377 Debt $227,457 Total net worth 1.2 million. Fixed costs 50% Investments 0. That's a bit concerning savings 6% and guilt free spending, a whopping 44%. Okay, honestly, these numbers look pretty great for a couple in their late 40s, early 50s, but I suspect these numbers are going to change quite a bit with one income coming down because of early retirement. So I have a lot of questions. Let's get started with Lashawn and David. Lashawn, you have been the financial leader in your family for decades and you are now facing a terminal diagnosis and your income is about to disappear. That is a lot. What are the words going through your mind as you think about your current situation?

[B]

The fear is probably the big one and I guess feeling unsure. My income decreases after September 30th. That's really where a lot of my anxiety comes from, is that it's such a big drop that how do we maintain our life, pay our bills and all that stuff? And also how do we make sure that however many years that I have, that we are in a good position and then even when I'm gone, that he's in a good position, that everybody is going to be taken care of and that I can feel good that they're going to be good.

[A]

Okay. David, how did you feel when lashawn made the decision to retire early?

[C]

I supported her because of the political situation we were in and the changes they were making at her job. She probably would have had to go into the office, which she's been working from home. We live about two to three hours away. So for her to have to commute two to three hours each way, five days a week, and then we still didn't know exactly what was going to happen. Everything was uncertain. So I felt like she made the best decision that she could with the information we had.

[A]

Okay, let me understand a little bit more about the context of this decision that you made to retire early. Can you tell me what led to this?

[B]

I am a federal employee. I don't know if you're familiar, but when the new administration came in, they had something called the deferred resignation or retirement program. It came out, I was like, all right, this seems like a scam, you know, completely not anticipating leaving or anything like that. And that was one DRP one. And then on like April 7, they came out with DRP 2.0 and they gave an option of a early retirement if you Have a certain amount of years in service and you're a certain age, you are eligible for it. Again, totally ignored it. And that was Monday. And like about Wednesday, one of my coworkers said that they had who is also on something called reasonable accommodation. That's why we were working from home full time. She said she had gotten an alternative accommodation that wanted her to come back into the office. And I was like, okay. And so that was very surprising because we had been told that reasonable accommodations wouldn't be touched. And then my supervisor was like, this is what I'm hearing. It's kind of coming down the pipe that they're going to start offering alternative accommodations and that you might not be able to really argue against it because they weren't denying it. But the alternative wasn't really based on our actual medical situation because they couldn't see our medical situation because of hipaa.

[A]

I see. Is this the same situation as the emails that Elon Musk sent out?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, okay. I imagine there was a lot of that going around. Well, yeah. Hey, you're the federal employee, so you probably can't say it, but I can. Mother this Doge bull. Completely fake. You don't have to say anything. Don't put yourself in any trouble. I don't know what your views are, but as the son of somebody who worked for the state of California, my dad, there's a lot of very hard working people who work for the local, state and federal government. And to go in there and basically accuse everyone of being wasteful and fraudulent, which of course they never found any evidence of, that just really, really personally angers me. Anyway, thank you for clarifying the situation. I also understand that there was a medical diagnosis. Feel free to share as much as you're comfortable with. But could you tell me a little bit about how the medical part of this has played in.

[B]

In May of 2022, my cancer returned. I received a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, which is not curable. We all have a shelf life. Mine is probably going to be a life shorter than most people's. And so the doctor is just giving me medication to take on a daily basis and he's like, one day the medication will stop working, we'll try something else, and then one day nothing will work.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And so that's the environment that I am considering. Like, oh, I might have to come into work while I'm dealing with this.

[A]

You seem very calm talking about it. I would assume you've thought about this a lot, probably every day since you've Received it. Is that the case?

[B]

No. I am a superhero of a compartmentalizer. I put it in a box. And honestly, I probably cried more about the decision to leave my position than I have about getting my diagnosis. I think I'm a lot more pragmatic. I don't want to leave my family, but you never ask why, because in the whole world, everybody's dealing with something.

[A]

Okay. That is surprising to me, but I totally understand it, especially when you use the word pragmatic. That resonates with me a lot. How long is the range of how long you have? I'm asking because it would affect some of the financial decisions you're making.

[B]

Well, I've seen, like, an average of seven years, so definitely I know that there's people who I'm sure are much longer. And I'm at year three since my diagnosis, so, you know, I'm hoping to be a person that is exceeding the average.

[A]

Me, too. Okay. Thank you, lashawn, for giving me the background. That is so helpful. David, when you heard about these retirement options going around and lashawn decided to make the early retirement decision, what was your involvement in. In that decision?

[C]

Well, she asked me what I thought, and because we didn't have a lot of information about the course of action that her job was going to take as far as the reasonable accommodations. It was like, you know, this was an opportunity with the deferred retirement to still get paid through September versus her turning that down and then possibly having to just leave or being fired because she couldn't accommodate the reasonable accommodations that they were going to give her.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So I think that was the best decision that we can make with what we knew.

[A]

How long did you discuss this before you made a decision? What was that time period?

[C]

It was a couple of days, I think.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, a couple of days.

[C]

Because we didn't really have a lot of time to make the decision. It had to be. It was, like, over a weekend, I think.

[A]

You made an early retirement decision in a couple of days.

[B]

Yeah, that was it. Figuring out how to move forward in this really, you know, for me, it was a very difficult situation. I mean, I was so anxious. I was, like, having panic attacks, and I, you know, reached out to start therapy because I literally was just, like, crying and, you know, couldn't even think.

[A]

Yeah. I'm sorry you have had to go through that. On top of the medical diagnosis. There is no logical reason to force tens of thousands of people into early retirement. And. And without the appropriate amount of time to do your diligence I'm on top of my numbers and even I could not have made a good decision within seven days. So to expect tons of federal employees to make a decision where you close the door forever I think is very, very unfair. So, okay, you made the decision with the best information you could. Let's accept that decision. It's been made. And the retirement date, I believe is in around three or four, four months, is that correct?

[B]

September 30th? Yes.

[A]

Lashawn said something a minute ago that was incredibly revealing. Did you catch it? She said she's a master of compartmentalization and that she's cried more over leaving her job than she has over a terminal cancer diagnosis. I think that's a really important clue. I can relate to part of this. Years ago, my business took a pretty big downturn and we tried to fix it. It wasn't working. We tried more things. It still didn't work. I found myself waking up at night choking like I couldn't breathe. I went to the doctor, the doctor took a look, said, physiologically you're fine. Are you under any stress? And I just laughed. Am I under any. Of course I'm under stress. I'm under enormous stress. But until that moment, I had compartmentalized stress from my body. I can handle stress. I'm Ramit Sethi. What I didn't realize is just like anyone, we all have a level. And my level might be a little higher than others, but just like anyone, I have a level. That moment really shook me because I thought I knew myself by age 30, 35, et cetera. But that's not always true. I actually had a massive blind spot. And when you are compartmentalizing, any compartment can hold a certain amount of stress, but when it finally overflows, it can be really scary. I suspect that's what's happening with LeSean. She's facing the end of her life, but instead of asking how do I want to spend the time I have left, she is laser focused on this question, will we have enough? Kind of makes sense if you think about it. That question gives her control. It's something she can tweak and optimize. But the alternative, I'm sick and time is running out. It's too big, it's too scary. What makes this even worse is she didn't get the time to think through this life changing decision to retire. I recently posted a video about the colossal failure of Doge, a predatory government wide scam run by Elon and Trump which failed miserably and affected you so if you want to see what really happened, just search for Ramit Doge. Doge, of course, promised to find tons of waste. Instead found essentially nothing. And now people like lashawn are left to deal with the fallout. My goal is to help LaShawn zoom out beyond the spreadsheets and focus on what actually matters. But to do that, we need clarity. We need to understand exactly what's going on. And right after this, we're going to get into the numbers. I recently got a DM from a listener, Sarah, about this episode's sponsor, Element, a tasty electrolyte drink mix. Sarah said, I've been using it for three years. It's changed everything for me. My energy is better, less headaches. I just love it. I have tons of DMs like this about Element. So thank you all for the feedback. 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Renewing your passport, scheduling a dentist appointment, Replacing that light bulb that's been out for six months and you're not sure what's the right bulb. We all procrastinate on weird stuff, and taxes are usually right at the top of that list. We wait until the last second that we get overwhelmed. We got to pull all this paperwork and we're panicked because the deadline is approaching. That's why I recommend gilt. Now that tax season's over, this is actually the best tax time to get ahead. If you run a business or you filed for a tax extension, one small move right now could save you thousands later. G is not just another CPA firm. They helped one of my colleagues rethink his entire tax setup. Now he's Saving more than he spends on tax prep. With G, you get a proactive year round strategy, not just a one time filing. Credits, deductions, business structure. It's handled. And their tech platform makes it easy to stay organized. You'll also get access to Gilt's full tax library with guides on retirement plans, QBI and more. So if you've got a business or you filed for an extension, this is the window to take control of your tax plan. Head to joingelt.com ramit to book a consultation and as a member of my community, you get to skip the waitlist. Again, that's joingelt.com ramit join G-E-L-T.com ramit taxes don't have to be a task with Gelt. They can be a tool to build wealth. Let's talk a little bit about the household finances. In a word or two, how would you each describe your role with the family finances? LaShawn, the lead. The lead. Okay, great. And David, I would agree.

[C]

She, she handles it.

[A]

What about you?

[C]

I contribute. We talk about certain things. But as far as the monthly payments, she pretty much takes care of that.

[B]

All right, have a word for him.

[A]

Say that again.

[B]

I do have a word to describe him, please. I watched one of your man on the streets, the ignorant reassurer. And I sent him that one. He was like, oh, so you're saying I'm ignorant. I'm like, no, no, no, you're very intelligent, but you are the ignorant reassurer.

[A]

Okay, the ignorant reassurer. Which is not meant to be insulting. I know that in American culture the word ignorant is seen as an insult, but I don't mean it like that. A lot of people, and it almost always is men, when they are ignorant about money, they will often do this thing where they reassure their girlfriend or wife. Oh, it's going to be fine, babe, it's fine. Stop worrying. It's going to be fine. Meanwhile, they don't even manage the money. Their wife is the one managing money. I'm like, how can you reassure her? You don't even know what the numbers are. That's the ignorant reassure. David, are you the ignorant reassure to some extent?

[C]

I guess you could say that. But I will say that she, I mean, we really haven't had any financial issues thus far. I think we've been in a good position is just that this uncertainty which was now been thrust upon us is what's really driven us to this point.

[A]

Okay, all right. Lashawn, are you managing the household finances on your own?

[C]

Yes, I'm not opposed to being more involved in it. I feel like she's been doing an adequate job with it. But I'm definitely here for support, to offer any additional help I can.

[A]

Lashawn, have you ever asked David to be more involved?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

When was the first time that you asked David to be more involved with the finances?

[B]

Probably 15 years ago. @ least that it might have been before then. I don't know.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, exactly what I thought. David's over here. Like, I'm not opposed to being more involved. I'm like, she's been asking you for almost 20 freaking years. David, care to comment?

[C]

I have stepped in. I have taken over control of the finances. I think I missed the payment. She went crazy, and she took it back away from me.

[A]

What does went crazy mean? What does that mean?

[C]

She was like, oh, you were late. You were late on the payment. You know, I've got to take it back. You know, I've got to take control again.

[A]

Was this a payment on a credit card?

[B]

No, it was a utility bill, and we got the red notice.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Just like, what Exactly.

[A]

If my wife missed a payment on a utility bill where it got to, like, the red, I would be like, what is happening here? But second of all, more importantly, I wouldn't have my wife paying the utility bill. I would have the computer doing it because it's way more efficient than either of us are. Let's take a look at the numbers that we're working with here. Lashawn, can you read the word in bold and then the number in full next to it for this entire box, please.

[B]

Assets, 586,952.

[A]

Next.

[B]

Investments, $824,198. Savings, $30,377.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And debt, $227,457. Total net worth, $1,214,000,000.

[A]

Cool. What do you think of those numbers, both of you?

[C]

Sounds good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Lashawn, I was very excited to see that our. Our, you know, within the positive, which I would assume it would be, but that it was that high. I was pretty stoked.

[A]

Did you have any idea?

[B]

I did not.

[A]

What did you think? If you would have had to guess before you did this, I would have.

[B]

Said maybe more of. Maybe 700,000 just because I know how much the house is worth.

[A]

That's very interesting. So your house is what, around 500? Yeah, 600k, basically. So you would have said like, 600k is the house, plus, like, some Change here and there equals 700.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I probably would have said maybe 900. So I might have been a little bit close. But just like that, it's over a million. Like we gave each other a high five.

[A]

Oh, I love hearing this. Fantastic.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

And David, how about you? You said it sounds good. Anything else?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Again, because I wouldn't have expected that it was over a million dollars. You know, know, just based on the house, I didn't realize that it would be that high. So we were both very excited.

[A]

Okay, good. Let's continue on to the income. This time I'd like to hear from you, David. David, can you tell me what this number says here? This combined gross monthly income, please.

[C]

$18,082.

[A]

Great. So combined on an annual basis, the two of you make a total of two hundred and seventeen thousand dollars. David, did you know that number?

[C]

I knew it was above 200. I didn't know exactly.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But I knew it wasn't around that much.

[A]

Okay. LaShawn?

[B]

Yeah, it sounds kind of right. I think it should be a little bit higher, but that's in the range.

[A]

Okay, I'll take that as two yeses also. Fantastic. Okay, why don't we take a look at the rest of the numbers? Let's go through it quickly. I'm going to read off some key numbers here. Your fixed costs, 50%, 5, 0. That is on the lower end of what I typically recommend, 50 to 60%. So I don't see this number too often. And I mean that in a really positive way. This is really good. Let's take a look at. Investments are at zero. But I know that there's something else going on here because you have $824,000. So you've obviously been putting in pre tax money for a long period of time and letting that compound. And maybe there's something else going on. We'll find out about that. Savings are at 6%. I also want to note that you have six months of an emergency fund, $30,000 in savings. So you have a pretty decent emergency fund. And then finally, whoa, guilt free spending. What's this number? 44% or $5,000 a month? Okay, tell me about that. What are you spending money on?

[B]

I don't think that's right. But it might be right. Don't know where the money is going.

[A]

But like to the nearest thousand. What are you spending on?

[C]

Eating out.

[B]

A lot of eating out.

[A]

Oh, eating out. All right. What else?

[B]

He might be spending it on shoes.

[A]

What else?

[B]

We got vacation.

[A]

Vacation okay, vacations. Why is everybody getting so quiet all of a sudden?

[B]

Because I don't that number. Like, even when I filled it out, that number was like, where? What? Huh?

[A]

Okay, why don't we put it all out on the table and then we can figure out what we want to do about it. So so far we got eating out, shoes, vacations, what else?

[B]

The kids.

[A]

How many kids?

[B]

We have three. And the ages again, 23, 18, and 13.

[A]

How often do you eat out? Ballpark it. Per week?

[C]

A week?

[B]

I would say five times a week. Like your lunch? If I go out for lunch. And then our Friday. And I will say that our kitchen got destroyed from a water leak, and so we are eating out far more often because it is painful to both cook and clean in our disaster zone of a kitchen right now.

[A]

Do you want to do the exercise where I show you how much you actually eat out, or do you want me to just tell you the real number?

[B]

I watch your show. I watch the podcast.

[A]

Oh, I know you know what the number actually is. You told me five. So what's the real number?

[B]

Probably 15.

[A]

15? Bingo. Lashawn knows it. It's Ramitz, Rachel, rule of 3x, which is whatever they tell me for eating out. Triple it and we will get there. It is cosmically true. It is always true. We can go through the math if you want, or we can just accept it and skip it. What do you say?

[B]

I tried to be very honest about the five. So maybe it's in the middle. It might not be 15, but maybe it's 10.

[A]

Okay, you want to put 10, I'll put 10. That's fine with me. 10 times a week. Fine. That's 40 times a month. I believe you, but where's the rest of the money going? $5,000 a month on guilt free spending. Where is it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Where'd you go on holiday or holidays?

[B]

Well, last year we went on a cruise.

[A]

And how much did it cost? Total?

[B]

That cost about 5,500.

[A]

Did you count the taxi to the airport, parking, eating, did you count all that?

[B]

Yes. That includes everything.

[A]

Damn, I like that answer. That is a confident answer. I believe you. Okay, 5,500 total for the entire trip. Taxes, tips, transportation, incidentals, all of it included. I believe you. 5,500. And was that the only holiday you took last year?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh. What else?

[B]

Last year in July, we took another cruise.

[A]

How much did that cost?

[B]

Maybe 8,000.

[A]

So 8,000 for that cruise. Okay, fine. And then any gifts over the course of the year? For a family of five, 2000 is.

[B]

The gifts over the whole year for the whole family.

[A]

Okay. Just so you know, we're at 15,500 so far.

[B]

That was unusual. That was an unusual year.

[A]

It's never unusual.

[B]

We took the first cruise and it was so terrible that I felt like I needed to do a better one.

[A]

What, what happened?

[B]

It was just the worst. It was really.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did you go on a different cruise line? Oh, yes, that was better. Okay. And what about other recreation movies? Oh, how often?

[B]

During the summer, maybe once or twice a week. I try to go when they're about $6.

[A]

Oh, that's very reasonable. So you spend money on movies. What else? Is there any other, like, major expense that you're spending on for the family from a discretionary perspective?

[B]

He goes to the gym. So he pays for gym membership.

[A]

No, I'm trying to understand, where does the $5,000 a month or $60,000 a year go?

[B]

I think I'm just paying extra on different bills. I don't think it's just completely like discretionary over there. If I have extra money, I'm paying more on our dead.

[A]

Hold on. The woman who knows the exact amount of her cruise down to the taxis, tips and drinks doesn't know where $5,000 a month is going. I don't buy it. Lashawn is meticulous. She's been leading the family finances for decades. She pays the bills, tracks every payment, tries to get ahead. So when I see a line item in their CSP that says $5,000 a month, 44% of their income on guilt free spending, I kind of expect a clear answer. Instead, I just got shrugs. And this is another clue. Because while I want to get beyond the numbers with Lashawn, it's hard to do that if $60,000 a year is just evaporating. She did mention that she occasionally puts extra money towards debt. I'm curious what those debt payments are for. We are going to break down their debt and find out right after this. You've heard me say this with money before. Fight for simplicity. The more complex your system, the more things that can break. And it is the same in business. Now, as an entrepreneur and CEO, I have seen tons of complexity in my own business. You've got accounting in one tool, HR in another. Inventory. If you've got it tracked in some random spreadsheet, every decision becomes a scavenger hunt. That complexity can kill your momentum. So we simplified. And that is exactly why I love what Netsuite is doing. Netsuite by Oracle is the number one AI cloud ERP used by over 41,000 businesses to simplify operations and make smarter decisions. It brings accounting, inventory, HR and financials into one system. No more jumping between tools, no more having to patch together reports. Just one source of truth. And because AI is built in, routine tasks get handled automatically, freeing your team to focus on what's important. If I had had this type of system when I was building my business from scratch, I would have loved it. NetSuite helps you cut through the noise, stay agile, and make faster, better decisions without having to guess. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com Ramit get it now for free at netsuite.com RamIT that's netsuite.com Ramit sometimes I'm talking to my friends who are parents and I ask them what's the most stressful part of being a parent? Depending on the age of the kid, you know it's not sleeping. But as they get older, it's things I would have never expected. Like signing their kid up for summer camp. They're telling me like they have to wake up early, they have to Click refresh at 5:59am they're checking with their friends if they got in all of this so that their kid gets into summer camp. And while they're talking about this, one thing I noticed is that no parents are ever talking about the financial part of raising their kids, whether it's setting up a 529 or making sure they are protected financially in case they get hit by a bus tomorrow. If you're a parent and you haven't gotten term life insurance yet, this is your sign to do it right now. Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you, it's all online on your schedule, right from your couch. You could be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required. If you've got kids, especially if you're young and healthy, the time to lock in those low rates is now. A lot of people don't realize how easy it is to put this off for years. Do it now because we never know what could happen tomorrow. Fabric offers flexible, high quality coverage for less than a dollar a day. And it's backed by Gerber Life, trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join the thousands of parents who trust fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just [e-mail] Ramit that's meatfabric.com Ramit M E-E-T fabric.com Ramit. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. What is your debts? You have a mortgage, right?

[B]

Yes, we have a HELOC that we use to pay for two vehicles, and we have one credit card that has a balance.

[A]

Hmm. Hold on. If you could see inside my head, there's like a wheel that's starting to spin right now. It's getting a lot bigger, faster. How much is the balance of the credit card debt?

[B]

I paid 2,000 in the last month, so it's down to 6,700.

[A]

6,700. Okay. And the HELOC?

[B]

The HELOC is 24,900.

[A]

Let's call it 25,000. Looking at your car payments, you have $278 a month, but that's because you're putting it towards the HELOC. Is that why?

[B]

No, the 278 is just like the gas and. And everything. And I think we have the HELOC in there. It's like $866 a month. I think we put that in there.

[A]

I'll show you. You have debt payments of 950amonth?

[B]

Yeah, that's it. That's the HELOC and the one credit card with the balance.

[A]

Oh, okay. So you have about. Let's just call it 32,000 in debt. What's the credit card debt for?

[B]

Earlier this year, we got our kitchen countertops and our floor upgraded before the leak. So I put that on a 0% credit card. Like, I will pay it off. And again, I wasn't anticipating retiring, and I was like, oh, I have 18 months at 0%. I'm going to pay it off before the 0% goes away.

[A]

When does the 0% end?

[B]

July of 2026.

[A]

Okay, so you got another year or so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I am puzzled by some things which we need to figure out. The spending is a lot of money we're talking about, and it will become increasingly important to be dialed in. Okay, but we can figure it out. Lashawn, when you think about what to change in your finances as a result of early retirement, what are the first things that come to mind for you?

[B]

First things are getting the debt paid down so that we have more breathing room, especially the heloc, which is a big chunk. So that is really, like, my focus. Also my retirement that we have in the government, which is called the tsp. Like, once you retire, you can't put Any more money in. So do I just leave it there? Of course. Obviously, if I'm not contributing anything, I'm more sensitive to losses that may happen with the market, as we've seen already so far this year. And do we have any money for me to keep contributing? Does it make sense? So it's just a lot of stuff of, like, how do we make sure that however many years that I have, that we are in a good position and then even when I'm gone, that he's in a good position.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, I hear you loud and clear. You want to make sure that your family is taken care of. I respect that. We'll make sure that happens. In addition, part of living a rich life is making sure, especially if there is a ticking clock that you are aware of, that we really spend some time talking about you. And I think sometimes when people who are experts in doing things for other people, they their own skills of deciding what is important to them. Deteriorate rate. Is this income that you are currently making, which is 18,000amonth, or 217,000 a year, is this reflective of how much you're going to make as a household after September?

[B]

No.

[A]

What is that number going to be after September?

[B]

That number is going to be for me, and I don't know what it is after taxes, but it'll be closer to 6,700amonth before taxes.

[A]

6,700 gross. Right now you're making 9,500amonth.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay, let's look it up. Okay. So Instead of making 18,000amonth, you're going to make 15,000amonth off the surface, doesn't sound like that big of a deal. What do you think?

[B]

I'm feeling like it's not going to be that bad, but, you know, I had to apply for Social Security disability, and because of my terminal diagnosis, they approved that very quickly. So then that was added into the mix.

[A]

I see.

[B]

So it was like, oh, okay, I have a little bit more because the actual retirement payment is like 2192.

[A]

So, wow, that would be a big drop.

[B]

Right? So that's the pension. And so I was like, oh, my God. And then the Social Security came in, and they're like, okay, well, in December we'll start paying you $3180. And I was like, okay, right. It's definitely less, but I do feel a little bit better.

[A]

Let me make sure I understand. So you have pension, which will be part of your income. You have Social Security and disability.

[B]

I have Social Security disability. And then I Have a payment that goes for my daughter because I'm on disability. So that's the other number in the.

[A]

Mix that's included in the income.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Anything else?

[B]

No.

[A]

And then we have David's income as well, right?

[B]

His will stay the same or maybe go up.

[A]

Got it. At 8,500amonth. Right, David? Okay. David, what do you do for a living?

[C]

I'm a contracting officer.

[A]

Okay, great. And when LaShawn just mentioned it might go up, is that because of pay raises, promotion, that kind of thing?

[C]

Yeah, annual pay raises. Hopefully there's a promotion in there somewhere.

[A]

Okay, you work for the federal government as well? Okay. Okay. Got it. Good. This is good to know. So, David, do you have a pension as well? And do you know your numbers with the pension?

[C]

I believe it was 400. 400 something.

[B]

That's the retirement. Okay, so the dependent is based on, like, how many years you work.

[A]

David, do you have a sense of when you would retire?

[C]

I was thinking maybe 10 years from now. I think the retirement age, they were trying to increase it. So I plan on just working until I'm probably not able to or, you know, I feel like it's just time for me to leave.

[A]

Okay, this is really helpful to understand. Really helpful. Lashawn, just off the bat, without further investigation, your decrease in pay is not as dramatic as I had assumed. That's a good thing. Combined with the fact that David is going to keep his salary and potentially, we never count on it, but potentially have some upward growth. That's great. In order to be able to give more specific feedback, I'd like to understand a little bit about how you both grew up with money. Lashawn, I'd love to go back to your childhood. I'm talking when you were young. What do you remember your family saying about money? What words did they use?

[B]

Honestly, I don't remember them really saying anything. My mom had me when she was 17, so she was pretty young. She would just work and try to pay the bills. And as I was a teenager, we were a lot more financially insecure. We would have eviction notices or the electricity might be off for a little bit. We would move and find someone else that would be willing to take a chance, and we might stay there for a little bit. So we had a lot of moving around and just being unsure of somebody was gonna knock on the door and put, like, the eviction notice. The biggest thing that I remember was, like, when I was in 12th grade, I had, like, American lit teacher, and he was like, get a Credit card, buy a little bit each month that you can pay off and then pay it off. And that's how you build good credit. And I just remember that was like, okay, when I go away to college and I get my first credit card, I'm a buy a little bit that I can afford and I'm going to pay it off and I'm going to build up my credit.

[A]

Okay. It's quite a remarkable journey you've gone on to go from constant eviction notices to having $824,000 in your investment account. What do you make of that?

[B]

That was part of the reason why I was high fiving him, because I was like, oh, my gosh, look at how far you know where I am compared to where I was before. And I think that's why I had my hand on the finances. I think it gives me a sense of security and safety because I. I know, like, when I pay my credit card and it goes down to zero, like, I am so happy. And I know it's supposed to be automated, but I'm like, oh, let me pay my Citi card. Because when you pay Citi like, it immediately adjusts your balance. And the feeling that I get when it goes down to zero, I'm just like, ah, yeah, I had the money to pay my bill.

[A]

I call it being irrationally happy. I love hearing people's stories about it. I love it. You paying your credit card bill. I don't get the same joy because I didn't grow up the same way you did. But when I buy an appetizer at a restaurant, I feel irrationally happy because I couldn't do that when I was a kid. Too expensive. So, like, 10 bucks, 15 bucks for an appetizer, big deal. But it actually is a big deal to me. And now I can understand why paying that credit card off click is a big deal to you. Okay, I appreciate that. David, I'd like to learn a little bit about when you were growing up. What do you remember your family saying about money?

[C]

I had a relatively modest upbringing. We weren't poor to the point we were living on the street or anything, but we never really took a lot of vacations. I got Christmas and maybe some on my birthday, but that's what I grew up with. That's what I knew. I didn't always get the shoes that I wanted when I was younger, but I had clothes, I had a roof, I had food. My dad, he told me a story about how he was able to go into a store and buy a TV with no money because he had good credit. And so he always emphasized the importance of maintaining good credit, paying your bills off on time. So that's the lesson that stuck with me.

[A]

How do you think your upbringing with money shows up in your relationship with money today?

[C]

Because I was not able to buy the things that I wanted when I was younger, and I didn't have money now that I have money that I can spend.

[A]

Like, an example would be the shoes that lashawn mentioned.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You know, I like Nikes and Jordan, which they re release. And I'm like, oh, I didn't have this one when I was young, when I wanted it, but now I can get it.

[A]

How many shoes do you have?

[C]

I have had the same shoe size since I was 13.

[A]

Okay, interesting answer.

[C]

I keep them in good condition, so I probably have, I would say maybe 150 or more.

[A]

What?

[B]

More?

[C]

Yeah, but I mean, there are shoes that I have that are 10, 15 years old. So it's not like they're just all new shoes. Issues that I just. I buy, maintain them, I keep in good condition.

[A]

Lashawn, how much is the number? Not 150. How many?

[B]

I would say maybe 200. Maybe 250.

[C]

No, not. Not even close to 250.

[A]

What are you going to do with them? Like, one day I wear all of them. You wear 150 pairs of shoes?

[C]

I mean, I don't wear them like, you know, one after the other, but, you know, I wear them all at some point.

[A]

All right. Anyway, so. Okay, hold on. I'm so distracted. I did not expect that answer. I knew I was going to have a juicy answer when I was like, how many shoes do you have? And then your first answer was, my shoe size hasn't changed in 20 years. I said, what the. I don't know what's happening right now, but something good is about to happen. And indeed it did. Okay, suddenly a lot of this makes sense. To understand how they handle their money today, you have to look at where they came from. Lashawn grew up with eviction notices, the power getting shut off, never knowing how long they would stay in one place. So naturally, she took control of the money. That control gave her safety. She doesn't have to depend on anyone else because she can handle things herself. David grew up with stability but not much extra, just the basics. Now that he can afford more, he buys what he couldn't have as a kid, and that shows up in his closet. And in the way that he delegates the money to Lashawn. Now I will add one fascinating thing that I've learned on this podcast. People can grow up, for example, in extreme scarcity. But some of them will go on to develop a very tight sense of control over money. Others will simply sit back and say, hey, whatever, it was bad back then, I'm still here. It's totally fine. Who cares? I've been poor before, I can be poor again. The thing is, you cannot predict how people will react. They can grow up in the same household, same amount of financial abundance or scarcity, and they can react in ways that make sense, but you cannot predict what they will be. So knowing their background kind of explains how they got here. She's been managing everything. He's been watching from the sidelines. What's interesting to me is that Lashawn asked David to help maybe 15, 20 years ago once, and when it didn't stick, she just never asked again. Even in her application to speak to me, she didn't say she wanted David more involved. She was just worried he wouldn't know what to do when she's gone. The real issue though is that she doesn't want to carry this alone anymore. She just hasn't expressed it that directly out loud. So I don't think this is just about money anymore. It is about the two of them finally acting like a team. Let me see if I can help them get there. Recently I showed my parents all the free classes they can take at the Apple Store using their laptop, taking better photos with their iPhone. I want a way for them to stay up to date with their technology. Now how many of you have taken a look at your parents phones? You see how many things are popping up on an hourly basis or their web browser. Honestly, I get it. Because it's not easy to stay up to date with the latest tools out there. And our parents are also easy targets for scams like would you be able to keep up with technology in your 60s and 70s and 80s without help? If you think about it, their personal information is also plastered across the Internet. Data brokers have scraped every address and phone number they've ever had. If you care about your parents privacy, I suggest adding them to your Delete Me account to make sure that their personal information is removed from the Internet. I did this myself. You should do it too. Here's how Delete Me works. You give them your information once and in about a week they will send you back a full privacy report. Where your data is, what they found and what they are removing. They scan a bunch of people, search sites and data brokers for your personal information, including your name, phone number, old emails, even relatives names. And then they get it removed and they keep going, patrolling, monitoring those sites all year to make sure that it stays gone. Deleteme built their own technology, and they have real privacy advisors to help you when you need it. They've been the experts in this for over 15 years, and they work with everyone from judges to journalists. I've trusted them to protect my own personal information and my parents, too. You'll get 20% off all consumer plans. When you go to JoinDeleteMe.com/Ramit and use promo code Ramit at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Ramit code Ramit for 20% off. I want to talk about your roles with money in the relationship. Lashawn, you mentioned that you have been the one managing money pretty much since day one. Can you talk to me about what that looks like day to day, year to year?

[B]

I think it looks like me constantly thinking about where we are, how to pay down debt. If we, you know, like, if we buy something, I'm very like, how can I get this paid off as quickly as possible? If we make a big purchase, I'm like, okay, we have to pay this off. You know, the house we refi in Covid. Because I was like, oh, my gosh, the rates are great. We're gonna refi. We're gonna change it from a 30 to a 15. And I'm like, looking at how much interest it is, and if it's. If it changes a tenth of a percent. What does that mean? I've read your book and you're, like, automated. I did automate it, but, like, if I have money, I will pay it before the money comes out automatically. Like, I don't want to wait. I made sure our student loans were paid off. We got solar panels that was supposed to be like a 10 or 15, 20 year. It was paid off in two and a half years. I'm always thinking, like, how can we do this better? How can we pay this off faster?

[A]

Do you like that?

[B]

I like it, but I feel like. Calms me down. Like, if I'm thinking about it, if I have a plan, if I'm doing things to execute it, I feel like I'm actively managing it.

[A]

Yeah. So it's like that. The roadrunner, you know, you're running, you're. You're moving, there's movement.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're clicking something, you're paying, you're making a plan. 2.75%, all that stuff.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think that you seem very accomplished with money. You know your numbers. You made a life changing decision under duress, under a very tight time frame. You've received news about your own health, which is at best difficult to hear. The seriousness of the situation doesn't escape me. The good news is that you make a lot of money and even with early retirement, it's not going to dramatically change your income picture. That part is great. But we have a serious health diagnosis that. That can't be overstated. We all know that. I don't need to belabor the point, but one thing that I see is a vast imbalance in engagement with the finances. And, you know, if you were 25, I would say, let's do this and let's do that and have this nice conversation and. But we're talking about a number of years, a short number of years where this becomes extremely salient. And Lashawn, you said one of the things you want is to make sure that your family is protected. Lashawn, if you were not here tomorrow, it would be very chaotic with the family finances. Just from the way that I'm hearing the discussion, David, I believe you could pay the bills. I don't doubt that. You're a smart guy. You could figure that part out. Fine. But there's a level of engagement and understanding that it would be like me trying to accumulate 100 pairs of cool shoes. I don't even know what Nike Jordans like. Where do I start? I have no idea. I haven't had the 25 years of experience that you have had. That's the same thing that's going to happen with money very soon. Am I reading this wrong or right? I see this as a pretty serious situation. Not because you're running out of money, that's not the case. But because you haven't really engaged with money as a team in like 20 years. And now we see the end game and we need to change the dynamic quickly. But that's my read. Am I reading this right or wrong?

[C]

No, I would, I would agree with you, definitely. You know, we're going to have to become more engaged with it. I need to be more engaged with it. We're going to have to sit down and go through it. Um, I think up to this point it's kind of just been like, you know, just kind of going in, paying the bills. Okay, I see. This is what it is. Uh, I think she does a lot of additional optimizing and that's maybe the part that I Don't see. But yeah, definitely, we'll. We will be sitting down and going through it just so that she doesn't feel like she's just all by herself and that she feels that I can be capable of taking over if need be, or.

[A]

Sean, how's my read of the situation?

[B]

I think that it's pretty accurate. Yes, we have some bills that are paid through the account, but there's some bills that I pay that are on the website. Like, our mortgage, it doesn't come out of our checking account. I don't even know if he knows what our mortgage company name is. So, like, he would be like, oh, wait a minute, where do I pay the mortgage? Because the bill is electronic and he wouldn't even see it to know, like, how to get to it. So. Yeah.

[A]

How come you haven't asked about this in today's conversation, Lashawn, about how do I get David to get involved?

[B]

I don't know. I think part of it is, like, it's just like a thing that doesn't change. Like, I would like it to change, but I don't even know if I think about it as, like, a thing that can change because it's been so long of being the same way. It doesn't feel like a thing that is even an option.

[A]

I think when something goes on repeatedly for years and years, almost decades, you just start to think like, that's the way it is. It can't change. And LaShawn, if I can make a suggestion, I don't think you came to me because I could calculate how much, you know, and less $2,000 a month is going to affect your bottom line. Anybody can do that. I think you came to me because deep down you want help in getting David engaged with the money. You know, there's a clock ticking and you know that you leaving David and the kids behind without David being engaged is a major problem.

[B]

I would send him your clips, trying to bring him into the financial picture and not just being like a person on the sidelines, you know, I don't know how long it'll be. Our youngest is only 13. So, you know, he's got to make sure, like, all of the stuff. Like, I make sure that the kids FAFSA is done. I make sure that their financial aid is, the boxes are checked and that they're doing all their college applications. So, like, I'm always, like, very much managing all of these little pieces of the family that are. It may seem kind of invisible, you know, because they end up in college, you you know, and. And he's like, okay, we're driving down to the college and we're doing their room. But it was like all of this work beforehand.

[A]

Well, lashawn, what do you say? What do you say we make the invisible visible today?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You did the work. You sent David a bunch of clips. You did the work of applying, of getting both of you here. And I'm so glad you are. We're all here. LeSean, I think sometimes we just have to be able to ask for help. I find it difficult myself. I actually suspect David wants to help as well. David, of course. Exactly. So sometimes we just have to actually be clear. Here are the stakes. I'm going to die. It is going to happen, and I want our family to be taken care of. And that cannot happen from me. Doing it all. We've got to do it as a team. That's where we are. Lashawn, I'm sorry to be so direct. The word pragmatic is the word that you used, and I agree. Sometimes we just have to talk about these things. It is going to happen. We have to talk about it and confront it. Here's what I would like to do. I like to do a little experiment with the two of you. So I asked you earlier in our conversation, what is each of your role? LaShawn, you described it as a leader. David, I don't think we got a quite a direct answer, but let's say teammate. With LeSean being the leader, I'd like to actually flip that dynamic for just a second. I would like us to live in this new fantasy world for five minutes where David is the leader with all the family finances and LeSean is the teammate.

[C]

I don't think I'm incapable, but there's been times where we tried before, and for whatever reason, it didn't work because she wasn't satisfied with it. Again, I say, you know, she's just more aggressive as far as pursuing savings, pursuing low interest rates. I think if I know where everything is, I don't think I would have a problem with it. You know, oftentimes she may pay bills that I don't know about. She may ask for my involvement, but then she would just do it on her own time, unbeknownst to me.

[A]

Do you think she overcomplicates money sometimes?

[C]

I wouldn't say she overcomplicates it. I think it's good to look for savings, to look for a lower interest rate. I think she does all the things that someone would do, so I wouldn't say she over complicates it.

[B]

It would be so nice to have him do all of that thinking every day instead of me doing that thinking every day.

[A]

Well, we can make that happen.

[C]

Watch can make that happen.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I was just going to ask David beat me to it. I was going to say, david, would you be willing to do it? He beat me to it. He said, yes, let's make it happen.

[C]

Just to prove her wrong.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

I don't mind vengeance as a strategy for a successful relationship. I love it myself. He goes, just to get her. Yeah, I'm going to show her. I could take it off your plate. Works for me. Whatever it takes, I'll take it. LaShawn, all jokes aside, you're hearing this, right? David is saying, I'm willing to step up and take some of that load off. Are you hearing it?

[B]

I am.

[A]

Okay. And I asked him a question. Does David think that LaShawn overcomplicates money? He didn't say yes. I'm not sure what the answer is myself, but I do think people who like to be in control find it very, very difficult to give up control. Speaking as someone who likes control. Okay.

[B]

I was definitely thinking like, I would love for him to do that maybe.

[A]

Yeah. But can I ask a question? Like, what if he accomplish the the rich life vision that the two of you come up with but he did it a little different? What if he had the bill automated or what if he paid it off one day later or earlier than you would? Would that be okay?

[B]

I would definitely have to manage my own emotions around like my own feelings about it. Just being honest because I'm so used to managing everything. I just want want to know that everything is done, that everybody is where they need to be. I don't want anything to fall through the cracks. And so I feel like I'm taking care of everything. Everything is going to be done.

[A]

How much project management work do you do at work?

[B]

When I was working, that was pretty much my job.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I know. I know it was. I can tell. I love a good project manager. I also think that if you take that worldview, where am I? I don't have my glasses here. Let's assume I just put on my glasses and I'm currently a project manager. That's the way that I look at the world. What's the status? Check in, what's the update? That's a project manager worldview that actually works very well to make sure that the trains are running on time, etc. Etc. But let's take those lenses off and let's come into this relationship not as a project manager, which you have done for 20 years. What would be a different description? Who are you now that you've taken those project manager lenses off?

[B]

A wife.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And a mom.

[A]

Yes. What else?

[B]

A good friend.

[A]

Love it. Keep going.

[B]

A person who loves to travel with my family.

[A]

Yes. I'm so glad you got there. I wanted to hear not only a wife, a mom, but also somebody who has worked really hard and somebody who has earned the right to be able to enjoy some things in life. Right now, the worldview, the project manager lenses that you have put on are actually preventing you from doing that. They are mutually exclusive roles. I notice you're tearing up right now. Tell me, tell me why.

[B]

I think because the things I'm doing, I feel like, oh, I'm taking good care of my family, but then maybe I'm not taking care of, like, me. That's not that person who has the.

[A]

Role in my family that's so evident. It's so evident I've had to pull it out of you today as to what do you enjoy doing for yourself? And the thing is, you actually have a partner here who wants you to enjoy yourself. From the first minute of this conversation, I asked David, what did you think about lashawn retiring early? He said, I supported her decision. Do you know how rare it is for me to talk to a couple where the two of them are so obviously supporters of each other? You have that here. I feel like, LaShawn, you could say, I want to go kayaking. I want to take a trip here or there. And David would be like, cool, we have gone kayaking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But lashawn, it requires you to do a couple of things. Number one, it requires you to take off those lenses and actually hand them, in part to David. It requires you, when you hand it over, to tell him what you want. And I wish that that were not the case, because handing over those responsibilities and telling your expectations, that in and of itself is emotional labor itself. I wish David would just be like, okay, I'm going to follow you around for one week, analyze what you're doing, and then I'm going to come to you with a proposal of what I can take off your plate. I would love for that to be the case, but it never happens. Okay. So sometimes when you entrench yourself in a position of the project manager of the family CEO, in order to change that, unfortunately, you have to be the one to do it. But LeSean you can do it. Like, I have no doubt, probably David is not going to be perfect at it for the first few times. Nobody would. And the thing is, what I hear is a willingness from David to step up to it. And I hear, Lashawn, you're on the fence about maybe handing over some responsibility. I think you can. I think you can. And then the second thing is to say, what is my vision for this family, with this family for my remaining time? Surely your vision has got to be bigger and more powerful than paying bills. What do you think?

[B]

I don't think I thought of it like that because I think my sense of creating a safe environment is very much wrapped up in making sure bills are paid, because I didn't have that when I was younger. So that was like a way of me also caring for my family, even when I would get tired of doing it. So it's very. Am I still taking care of my family if I'm not doing it?

[A]

If I had to ask you, in your rich life today and for the next five years, what would you want to do to have an incredibly meaningful five years? What would you tell me?

[B]

Spend as much time together as a family. So, like, traveling, taking care of my health, you know, exercising, doing, like, water aerobics. Having time to think of new things to cook and try new recipes because I feel like I was always running, meeting friends for lunch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Those would be things that I would like to do.

[A]

How are you feeling as you say this out loud?

[B]

That would be an amazing way to spend my day.

[A]

David, how are you feeling as you hear this?

[C]

I want her to enjoy life. I like taking trips. I like going out on dates. So all that sounds good to me.

[A]

Okay. I'm feeling incredibly excited because what you told me was very specific, very personal to you, and meaningful because it involves both you, Lashawn, and your family. And also very achievable. If anything, I would push you to even dream bigger. In fact, you deserve it. David, you're hearing this. What role do you think you can play in supporting Lashawn? Living a very rich life.

[C]

I take some of that strain off of her just so she can spend more time focusing on herself.

[A]

Yes. Tell me how you would do that. I love it.

[C]

I would definitely become more active. I take a few things on and gradually pick up the load. Encourage her to go out with her friends. We like to take vacations. I'm always asking for a date night. I'm totally open to her doing whatever makes her happy.

[A]

Okay. Can I just home in on that I'm asking for a date night. When you. What does that look like when you ask for a date night?

[C]

It's pretty much just setting aside a time. We like to try new restaurants, and so we look for places to go. I pick out places I think will be nice. We just have to find a date. Sometimes I work five days a week, so it's just finding that time and maybe making a priority to set it aside.

[A]

Cool. Everything you said is great. I love the idea of taking things progressively off of her plate when it comes to money, David, I think actually there's so many benefits of this. Number one, I think that as lashawn admits, she likes that sense of control. And in a way, David, since I don't think you have that same sense of control with money. Money, I think you would read, I will teach you to be rich. You ask her what needs to be done and then automate 90% of that stuff. Right? Let the computer do it. It's still getting done. Right, but it's getting done in a way that is efficient, that you don't have the emotional need to click things every week, every month. You're just like, I want this automated. I want it to be done and it will be done. But you are the one who made that happen, right? And you would be the one who's communicating to LaShawn. Because the minute you take even the smallest thing off of her plate, we all know what, Lashawn, what your reaction is going to be, right? A little bit of panic. Did you do it this way? Did you do it right? What happened? What's the update? What about this? What about that? We all know that. Let's just expect it. We can even make a joke about it.

[B]

It's like, you know me. Yeah.

[A]

And therefore, David, if you know that and you expect it, then it doesn't have to be this existential dark thing. It's just. Listen, Lashawn, I know it's gonna make you feel a little nervous. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put a whiteboard on the fridge and I'm gonna let you know the status every Monday or email or Google Doc or whatever you want over communicating to her just like you would at work. And that's gonna relieve those kind of project management needs for updates. And over time, you build that trust where lashawn's going, oh, my God. Not only is David incredibly capable, which I think you are, but also, Lashawn, you're actually now focused over here. What is my rich Life. What is our rich life. That's a very powerful place to be. What do you think, David?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I think that sounds good.

[A]

LaShawn.

[B]

I love that. Especially, like, with the date nights. He's definitely asked about it, and it always feels like we let it fall by the wayside. We don't really prioritize it ourselves.

[A]

What, as a couple, how often you. Do you actually go on date nights?

[B]

Valentine's Day and our anniversary, typically. What the.

[A]

Hey, David, the way you talked about it, it's like, oh, yeah, you know, it's a matter of finding time. I'll do it every other. It sound like it was every other week. Now it's twice a year.

[C]

I suggested to her once a quarter. I said, I think we go out once a quarter. Valentine's Day, second quarter anniversary, third quarter, and then sometime in the fourth quarter.

[A]

And you guys didn't even hit that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why? It's not time.

[B]

When the kids were a little bit younger, it's like, oh, now you have to leave them alone. Or, you know, we have to figure out food for them while we go out. But now they're a little bit older, so maybe it'll be easier to prioritize, like time as a couple.

[A]

I'm kind of shocked right now. Do you know why?

[B]

No.

[A]

If we just assume five more years lean, I hope it's a lot more. I really do. But let's just assume that's 20 date nights left, and that's if you hit every single one, which you haven't been for years.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You two love each other. This is not every couple. You two clearly love each other. To not be. Be able to find a quarterly date night. We've all had somebody in our lives that has passed away or somebody that became sick and could not do the things they used to be able to do. The last thing I want is to run out of time, especially if I have the money to be able to do it. Do you think that you have the money to be able to do some of these things?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Unquestionably, yes. If anything, you're kind of spending $5,000 a month. You don't even know where it's going. So if you decided you wanted to hire a babysitter or have somebody freaking plan the dinners for you. Easy. The time is finite. The time together, all of you, it's finite. For all of us. The load has not been shared. I suspect that's going to be resolved with some work and some time. That's not a problem. But the Real question. The real question, Lashawn, is what is your rich life for you and for the family?

[B]

I think we communicate about regular stuff, but not necessarily important stuff in a substantive way all the time. I can be very like, conflict avoidant. And even if it's not like, necessarily conflict, I have very negative feelings if it's not something that's either neutral or good. So I just think that a lot of stuff that we let lie under the surface and don't really have those conversations that are, I think, important.

[A]

There's a famous essay about keeping your identity small. And the idea is that once you define yourself a certain way, you start to build your entire worldview around it, even if that identity no longer serves you. So the lesson is, keep your identity small. Be careful what you define yourself as, because once you define yourself that way, it's really hard to change. Lashawn built her identity as the financial leader. She was the frugal one, the planner, the bill payer. And that actually got her to a pretty good place. She went from eviction notices as a kid to building a million dollar net worth. But that identity is so entrenched that she can't imagine letting it go, even when it is literally costing her the rarest thing in the world, which is time. I have to say, I'm really impressed with David. At the beginning of the conversation, he let LeSean lead. He leaned back metaphorically and physically, but as soon as the ball was tossed to him, he caught it. And he's not tossing it back. It's actually so rare to see this dynamic on this podcast that I want to take a second to acknowledge it. My hope is that this next chapter moves beyond paying bills and into something much more deep and meaningful, building a life they both love together. But that means letting go of old roles, and that's hard if you can relate to this, if you are struggling with your own money. Mindset, I built a free mini course for you. You can Download [e-mail] Mindset Pod it's free. I would highly recommend it.iwt.com Mindset Pod now listen, as I gently challenge LeSean to rethink what her role could be, can I ask a couple of questions that might generate a little bit of discomfort? Okay, I'm going to ask him. You can feel free to just say, hey, that one's not for me. Feel free. Okay. LaShawn, you have mentioned in the course of our conversation, you have mentioned panic attacks, therapy. Do you think that your emotional needs with money are being met right Now.

[B]

I don't think I've ever thought about money as emotion, although recently I have come to realize my control issue around it because it creates a feeling of safety for me.

[A]

Can you go like this with your hands? Take those glasses off right now. Take those project manager glasses.

[C]

Glasses.

[A]

Put them aside. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Who are you now?

[B]

I think I am someone who has a lot of things to figure out and a lot of work to improve my connection and communication with David. That it could be a lot better and that I probably let a lot of the other things take up the space instead of having like really important, important, consequential conversations.

[A]

Great. Totally agree. Is this hard to talk about?

[B]

It's a little bit challenging, yeah.

[A]

It would very much be like if somebody said, hey, put the business stuff aside. Who are you? It's like, that feels really weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's like that. You're asking me to ask without my arm. Who am I? I don't know. It's hard. Let's keep going though, because I think we are talking about something important. Can we focus on something really positive? You took those lenses off. Who are you? Tell me the positive part.

[B]

I am generous and I am loving. I think I'm a nurturer and I. I hope I'm a good wife and a good mother.

[A]

If I had the opportunity to talk to your kids, what would they tell me?

[B]

I think they know that I love them. Sometimes they would say that I'm mean and maybe a little pushy, but I think they know that I want them the best for them.

[A]

Yeah. Are you there for them?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. This is why I wanted to talk to you. It's not about what's on your spreadsheet. You have enough money. It's not about that. The reason I want to talk to you and the reason I'm so appreciative that I've gotten the chance to talk to both of you is that you've accomplished something amazing. You have a long marriage. Seems like a very happy marriage. You have kids, you raise these kids and you have a clock. And I've talked before about how sometimes people play small. In particular women. When we talk about what role do they have, they say, I do the day to day. I pay the bills. Really drives me crazy. It's playing small. There's no reason to pay the bills. We can automate that. I don't want anyone to play small, but especially women. Where I see it. Recurring pattern. LaShawn, I see the opportunity for you to play big. Big does not have to mean fancy luxury. It's not that it can be the lunches with your friends, it can be the date nights, which are guaranteed every week or every two weeks, but it's actually shifting from the perspective of I'm the project manager, making sure every box is checked to actually saying, I'm worthy, just being who I am. We, David and I, have built this thing together. Of course we need to change some of the dynamics. Yes, okay, that'll happen. I have no doubt about that. But what do we want for these next years? What do we want? You already love spending time together. That's clear. Maybe you want to travel more, maybe not. That's also okay. But when you take those lenses off and you go, what do we actually want to do? And we actually can do most of the things, that's a different role. Lashawn, tell me what you're thinking right now.

[B]

It's very funny. I was thinking that I should let the children order drinks at dinner when we go out. Because I'm like, they know that mom is going to be on my tombstone. Like, she was cheap, she was thrifty. So they know I order water, and they're like, water, water, water, water. And I know sometimes they're like, I just want a Sprite. And I'm always, like, going to be an extra $15 on top of the meal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For everybody to get a drink. But, yeah, that's, like, a small thing, and it's, like, a little bit of joy for the family. So, like I said, it probably be so bingy with the finances.

[A]

Can I share how I might make that change in your family? Mm. So if you want to get them the drinks, fantastic. But I actually think I would make a big deal out of it. It is a big deal. You never let them get the drinks in, what, 20 years, right?

[B]

Occasionally, yeah.

[A]

All right, once every 10 years. Here you go. This is a big moment, Lashawn. Here's how I might do it. I might sit him down. Nice family meeting. You know, we're all having dinner or something. I might say, listen, they know about the medical diagnosis, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You sit him down, you say, you know what? I've decided that with my time here, we are going to have a lot of fun together. That's my number one. And in order to do that, dad and I have talked. Dad is going to be helping, actually take some of the bill paying off of my shoulders. The whole family gasps.

[B]

What?

[A]

Everybody applauds. Look at this. Lashawn's covering her face. Like, I can't even believe this is happening. Yes, yes. And you make it a whole thing. You make it a joke. I can't believe it myself. I am actually letting dad manage the mortgage payment. The this, the that. He's going to do it. Dad, are you going to take it over? Dad goes, yes, of course I'm going to take it over. I got this. Everybody claps. Then you say, and there's another thing. When was the last time any of you ordered a Coke? When we went out to eat. And everybody goes, oh, God, mom, you're so stingy, always looking at the checkbook. You go, from now on, whenever we eat out, everybody can get their own drink. The kids are going to go like, what the hell happened to Mom? What's going on? And Lashawn, what are you going to say at the end of that announcement? Tell them why you have made that decision to switch to let them get a drink each every time. Why?

[B]

Because we can afford it and it's a small thing that you enjoy. So we want to be able to enjoy the small and big things.

[A]

Yes. And we love you. Amazing. How do you think they'd react to that?

[B]

They would be happy. What do you think? I think they'd be happy and surprised.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I think it will be one of the core memories that they have. It's not about Coke, it's about money.

[B]

Mom.

[A]

Acknowledging I'm going to make a change. And it's about acknowledging, ultimately, time. LaShawn, that's one of 20 things that I would love for you to start thinking about. But I make it a big deal, even for a small Coke, because it is a big deal. Every change you make is a big deal. As small as a Coke, as big as an international family trip. You got to tell your family what you are doing and. And why. You got to tell David. David, I need you to be as conversant with these financial decisions as I am, because I'm not going to be here. So in my time left, yes, I could manage it all as my project manager lenses, but I'm not doing that anymore. I need you to do it. That's what this is about. It's about transitioning the family to be as successful as you have done as the family leader.

[B]

I love that and I love just knowing that he'll be able to handle whatever he needs to handle and he doesn't need to have me here because I might not be here.

[A]

Yes. That is the ultimate prize of a leader, is to equip their team, in this case, your family, to Be as strong as when you were here. David, you hear that? Yeah. So that when she asks you to do some bill pay, which seems kind of annoying and you need to figure it out, maybe you miss one thing and then you fix it. Okay. There's grace between you. That's okay. But there's a purpose. And when your kids have to start taking on more responsibility with the finances. And that's annoying because mom has always been there to do it. But dad now knows as a team. Mom and dad are doing this because we need you to be strong. Because Mom's not going to be the leader one day. That's what this is about. Do you both think that you could do that together as a team?

[C]

Definitely.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. What a great answer. Just no hesitation. I think your kids are lucky to have you. Both of you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

LaShawn, if you could write out the script for the next few years, what would your next few years look like?

[B]

Happy. Being able to enjoy our time and not worry about our finances. And to have experiences that will be in the memory banks of my kids and of David so that they can have those when I'm not here. Like, oh, we spent all of this time, we had these meaningful conversations and we had these joyful experiences.

[A]

I love that. Can we change your CSP to reflect that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, let's do it. Lashawn, give me your powerful vision you just gave me and tell me what to change on here to make that a reality.

[B]

I definitely want to get our debt gone. I think we could do that in maybe 12 months.

[A]

Yep. 6,700 on your credit card, 25,000 on the HELOC. I agree. So right now you're currently paying 950amonth towards debt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what do you want to pay?

[B]

2500.

[A]

2500. All right. Takes your fixed costs up to 64%. But we know that's because of intentionally overpaying on debt. That's fine. What else?

[B]

More for vacations and experiences.

[A]

How much? Right now you have 250amonth.

[B]

500.

[A]

500Amonth. Okay. And then still have $3,000 a month in guilt free spending.

[B]

Maybe figure out more for investments on my side. Maybe David would increase his contributions.

[A]

Question, Lashawn, when you pass away, what happens to the money that is going to be coming starting September?

[B]

Well, that money goes away, but there is life insurance.

[A]

Ah. How much?

[B]

$680,000.

[A]

Okay. And you know that will be passed down even with your medical diagnosis?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. $680,000. Okay. Have you mapped out what will happen to your finances when that happens?

[B]

No, my hope is that if we haven't already paid off the house, which I think we have 10 years left, that he'll have enough to pay that off, which will like significantly increase his disposable income and it'll give him a lot more room to make sure that he's good.

[A]

Yeah, I think at this point I don't want hope involved. I need math. That's my philosophy for life. Everybody, forget about hope. Let's crack the math book. Especially when we're talking about early retirement, medical diagnosis, all these things. My suggestion, because the sensitivity on this is very high, meaning we don't have a lot of time, I would suggest you speak to a financial advisor, a flat fee advisor, not a U M. And you can use our partners at Facet, or you can use anybody you find. Have them run an assessment and analysis with different scenarios. What will happen if I pass in 3 years? 5 years, 10 years? What does that look like for the family finances? Because we want to be very specific. The last thing I want is for David for you to be grieving and then you actually don't have enough money to pay three years of the mortgage. No, we're not going to let that happen. Lashawn, this would actually be a perfect opportunity for you and David to partner up. Not for you to run it. If anything, actually to have David run it and you can help it along if he gets stuck. Find a flat fee advisor, speak to them, run the scenarios. And by involving David, David, you're going to feel way more confident with your knowledge of the family finances. Lashawn, you're going to feel comfortable because you have a report he can use if and when he needs it. How's that sound?

[B]

Sounds good. Like a good plan.

[A]

Okay, great. Aside from the investment part, you still got 3,000 bucks a month. Remember what you told me you want to do in the next few years of life, you want to create these memories, etc. So what is it?

[B]

We probably could increase our gift budget.

[A]

Okay. Gifts are currently 150 bucks a month.

[B]

Yeah, we could increase it maybe to 250.

[A]

Okay. I would like to see a little bit going more towards savings. Just as an FYI. $30,000. You know, that's nice, but I need a little bit more if I'm. LaShawn, I want to leave a big fat buffer of cash just in case something happens. Okay. I'll put a little bit more in the emergency fund. You have 250 going right now. I might drop that up to 750. I mean, look at this. You still have 2,000 thousand bucks a month.

[C]

We could add some more to vacations.

[B]

Definitely could definitely use that when we're traveling. That is my. I don't, I almost don't care how much it costs. I will spend whatever and I'm happy to do so. That is like the one area I think that I am not thrifty at all. I mean I get the best deal, but I will spend to go in where we want to go.

[A]

Cool. Can we change your income so that it reflects the numbers correctly? Your income is going to be 15. Remind me. Your income is going to drop, Lashawn?

[B]

Yes. It's going to be like 6,800amonth before taxes.

[A]

6,800Amonth. And that's going to drop the net to. What do you think?

[B]

Maybe 5,000?

[A]

Okay, maybe 5,000. Whoa.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

All right, so that's fine. So fixed costs are at 71%. Do you see what I'm doing here? I'm actually simulating what's about to happen with the real change in income. So right now your fixed costs are high, but that's not going to be the case forever because you're aggressively paying off debt. And soon that $2,500 a month is going to go down to zero. In which case, did you see what happened to that number?

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

It went from 71% to 46%.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

How does that make you feel, Lashawn?

[B]

Good, because I know that 50 to 60 is the number that we should be shooting for.

[A]

Yeah, and once in a while you intentionally drive that number up. Right now you're doing it with debt. Sometimes parents do it when they have childcare during young years. That happens. It's okay as long as you have a plan in place. Knock this debt out in what, a year? Something like that. And now you have $2,500 of cash flow to roll back into your system. No need to worry about one year's worth of intentional aggressive debt payoff. Cool. Just to continue down the line here, the only big change I will note on this is that for the next year your guilt free spending just went down. Down a lot. You have $957 a month. That's like 250 a week.

[B]

That seems like a lot.

[A]

Well, you all been spending 5,000amonth. Now it's going to be 1,000. What I suspect is that you probably bought a few major purchases that you're not properly amortizing or spreading out over the course of 12 or 24 months. It could be car renovation, it could be whatever. And those are kind of just eating up money invisibly. That's typically what happens. I also suspect you probably just eat out a lot more than you think. If it's like 15 times a week, you know, whether it be coffee, lunch, dinner, brunch, etcetera, that's just money being swiped. The good news is we can figure it out. The even better news is that when I said, hey, it's a thousand bucks a month, you didn't blink. You're like, okay, we can make it work. Am I reading that correctly?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. David, can you make a thousand bucks a month work?

[C]

Oh, yeah, I can draw.

[A]

Okay. What do you think? Any issues? Cause going from 5,000 to 1,000, a big, big drop.

[B]

Yeah. For me, it's not because I think that we're spending that much a month. Like I said, if I have extra, I'm like, oh, $1000 on the credit card, 1500 on the HELOC. So I don't think we're being, like, crazy, like, oh, we spent four, four thousand on stuff or experiences a month. I don't think that's happening.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes, very rarely. I encourage people to break the rules. I like rules, but sometimes I like to break them. Sometimes when there is something more important than following the rules, break it. Little kid gets an A plus. We don't normally go out to ice cream. We're going to go out to ice cream, somebody is sick. Normally we like to contribute, save and invest 20%. Maybe we're going to do 14%. We're going to take the 6% and create memories we will always remember. What do you think when I say that to you?

[B]

Part of it sounds like, oh, this is really cool. And then the other part is like, but does it mess up things? Is it not safe or not sensible to do that?

[A]

What do you think, David?

[C]

I think there's definitely something that we could do. A reward for some of the grades, splurging on something. I don't think that's going to break the bank or upset the budget, you know, too terribly.

[A]

Definitely. LaShawn, you look like you're struggling with this concept.

[B]

No, but he's very like, yes, we can do that. And I'm just like, can we do that?

[C]

Which is like, you know, what's here and there. Not all the time, but, you know, he's just. Every now and then, I don't do.

[A]

This that often, but once In a while, I just tell a couple what I would do. I don't like to do it because sometimes people take what I say and they take it as a directive, but it's not. Your life is yours. I would never tell you exactly what to do with your money, but I feel feel the need to share what I might do just because I think that this culture of frugality and bill paying is so deep in your family. And we know that there is a timetable here. It would be hard for me to let you go off this call without me just sharing what I might do. Is that okay? Okay. If it were me, I'm looking at your CSP here. I would talk to the family and have them create the five year bucket list. What do we want to do that's going to be magical? We can't do it all, but let's put it out there. No idea is too crazy. No idea is too small or too big. Oh, you want to go to a movie every weekend? Done. I love the idea of shifting from the leader, Lashawn, the project manager, to the inspiration where you are still a core part of the family, of course, but the rest of the family is now rising up. They're not under your shadow, but they are actually being taught how to come up with these ideas, how to execute them. Maybe, Lashawn, you're not planning the next vacation, but your kids are, because you can watch that with pride and you can actually watch them as they miscalculated how much a freaking boat ride is going to cost because they forgot you have to take Hit the Captain and you laugh and everybody laughs and they groan and that's a core memory. And nowhere in that example did you see me agonizing over, am I paying 2500amonth to my debt or 2375? The debt is going to get paid off. Whether it takes 12 months or 14 months is irrelevant. It's going to happen, but the memories will not happen unless you both cause them to happen. What do you think, Lashawn?

[B]

Love it. I'm laughing because I have a 13 year old and she's the baby, so she's always telling me things that we should be doing literally all the time. She's told me several times we should go see Beyonce again because that sounds like so much fun to her.

[A]

So.

[B]

So she has lots of ideas that she's happy to share all the time. And it's fun to listen to her ideas. And I'm always like, okay, but the.

[A]

Budget, yeah, maybe you can't do them all. Maybe there's a couple things where you just go, you know what? Let's do it.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

David, what do you think your role is here in supporting her not just financially, but emotionally?

[C]

The enabler. I'm going to enable her to live those dreams, live the rich life. I'm going to enable her to take off those glasses and hand them over.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

And I'm going to enable her to feel more confident in me and to be able to not worry so much about all the things that she's been dealing with.

[A]

Now, that is beautiful. How are you going to enable her to do all those things?

[C]

By supporting her. By taking over the finances, taking control away from her.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And involving the rest of the family so that we can all support mom in making sure that she takes care of herself instead of spending so much time taking care of us.

[A]

I love that. What a beautiful, beautiful vision. This can't be done alone. That's what I love about hearing both of you can't be done alone. It's the two of you, and the two of you obviously raised great kids. The two of you will take your kids into the next phase. The two of you and David is so important. What you just said, you taking off some of that load, even wrestling it away from her. Give me that code. Give me that freaking login. I know you don't want to do it. Give me that. I love the metaphor. I love the jokes. Because we all know in this relationship, mom, oh, she's always thrifty, and she's always, like, checking the bills. And so we might as well make fun of it. It's funny. Not in a mean way, but just like, okay, mom, you're gonna give me that one now, David, when you start to do that, and then you both realize, oh, my God, this actually works. And then when you talk to your kids, you go, this is what's happening. They're gonna go, no, there's no way mom isn't logging in every day. And David goes, I've actually been doing it for the last two months. See that reaction? Exactly. In a family, the dynamics become calcified. It's really hard to change. But if the two of you do it with love, with laughing, the kids go, is this really happening? It actually becomes fun. So I have the greatest wish for the two of you to have a magical, rich life together. Well done. How do you feel now versus when we started our conversation, David?

[C]

I feel challenged. I feel like there's something for me to overcome. I feel like there's something for me to prove.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

So I'm willing to take on that challenge and be the leader.

[A]

Amazing. I love that word. I feel challenged. I really love the way you put that. LaShawn, same question for you. How do you feel now versus when we first started talking? Talking.

[B]

Feel like I see the possibility for joy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And fun and really making, I think more of our time together than we have been. Like the way that we've been using our time.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is why I wanted to speak to you of doing more of playing big, of going on offense rather than worrying over only about playing defense. Take those glasses off. Throw them away. You can decide what your dynamic is. I have very high confidence in both of you. I'm very grateful that I got a chance to meet you both.

[B]

Thank you. I'm so grateful for having this time to talk to you. And I'm ready to do some homework and take off my glasses.

[A]

This conversation sat with me for a while after we wrapped. LeSean and David are warm, beautiful, loving couple and they've built a life together with kids, a home, million dollar net worth. And now they are facing something that is almost too big and too scary to say out loud. Mortality changes everything. And yet some habits are so deeply ingrained that even the knowledge of death doesn't shake them. LeSean's role has always been the leader, the planner, the protector. But that identity, which has been so carefully built, is costing her time and changing that role is not easy. I keep thinking about something LaShawn said in our conversation. She said I should probably let the kids order drinks at dinner and she laughed when she said it. But I couldn't stop thinking about that moment. Because if we can't splurge on a few drinks when we are doing financially okay, then when can we? Do we need to be sick to finally say we should use some of this money? Isn't there a way to build a healthier relationship with money now? That's why I love being able to share this podcast with you and why I write my books for you. I want you to stop waiting for tomorrow and to really look at your life today, craft that beautiful vision and actually start living it. Oh, and by the way, the missing $5,000. It bugged me so much that I offered to have my team comb through all of their statements. But less than 24 hours later, Lashawn emailed me and she said, I realized I just listed the minimum debt payment instead of the full amount we've been paying. So yeah, that extra 5k. Not actually there. LOL. Mystery solved. Honestly, it makes perfect sense that Lashawn has quietly been putting thousands of extra dollars towards debt. The good news is that their debt will be gone even faster. But more importantly, I hope this conversation gave her the momentum to rewrite her story. Because as we discovered today, sometimes the issue is not math, it is the stories that we cling to from decades ago about control, about roles, about what it means to be a good partner and a good parent. Lashawn and David have done a lot of work. They've built the life that they wanted. My hope is that they can focus on living it. So I want to give a huge thank you to lashawn and David for speaking with me. And now check out their follow ups.

[B]

Hi Ramit. I think the biggest surprise for me was that our financial picture was not going to be as dire as I was worried it would be going into retirement. Also that me being in the driver's seat of our family finances was also a measure of comfort for me. I think my takeaway is that I need to allow David to step up as he indicated he was willing to, and loosen the reins of control a little bit. And things that we've done since then then is we scheduled a money meeting which we had, and we both talked about our finances. I gave David the passwords to all of our bills. We looked at everything and saw what we owed, how I'd been paying them. And we had a conversation about how to allocate our money toward debt for this month, which we did. I think that if we keep moving in the same direction, we will take the burden off of me and also make sure that he's involved and knows what's going on for the future. Thank you.

[C]

Hi, this is David with just a quick follow up. Since we had our call with remit. My biggest surprise from that call was our net worth. I didn't realize that our net worth would be that high, so I was very surprised to find that out. Pleasantly surprised. Surprise, I would say. Biggest takeaway was that I think the support that LaShawn needed from me was more than just for financial. I think it was also more of an emotional support. So definitely willing to be there for her. Definitely invested in supporting her and making sure that she feels like we're both in this thing together. So that being said, going forward, we already had to sit down just to go through the finances so we can discuss where we are, what actions we're planning to take, and just to make sure that both of us are equally aware and invested in our future going forward. So once again, thanks to Ramit and his team. Appreciate talking to you guys.

[A]

This conversation reminds me of one of the most memorable episodes of this podcast. I still cannot stop thinking about it. It's episode 60, called My Health is in question, But I Don't Want to Stop Making Money. In this episode I spoke to a couple. She was told because of a medical condition she had roughly five or 10 years left to live, and in that time she wanted to make memories with her kid, with her husband. But she did not want to stop working. And when I asked her why, she said, I like the money, but she already had tons of money. The episode reveals how difficult it is for us to give up our story, our role, our identity, even when we are facing death. This is what I want you to understand. You think that one day, if you suddenly make $5 million, you're going to change who you are? It'll never happen. You think if you're facing death, you're going to finally change? It probably won't happen unless you decide to start changing. Today. That unforgettable episode is episode 60. My health is in question, but I Don't Want to stop making money. If you like this video, check out another one of my favorites right here. You know travel is one of my top money dials or the area of life that I love to spend money on. Over the last few years, some very memorable trips we've taken Italy, we took a design tour in Japan, safari in Kenya and Tanzania. If travel is one of your money dials too, I want to tell you about a podcast that I love. It's called all the Hacks and it teaches you the hacks, tips and tactics you need to upgrade your life, money and travel, all while spending less and saving more. All the Hacks is an award winning podcast trusted by more than a million listeners that turns big ideas into quick tactical moves you can start using today. The host is my friend Chris Hutchinson, a financial optimizer who has sold two companies and racked up millions of rewards points. I call him sometimes when I have a really tricky question about travel or points. He knows the answer. A great place to start is with the episode where Chris shares his top 50 ways to upgrade your life, money and travel. I actually joined Chris recently on the show to share how to actually spend your money in a way that creates joy. Whether you're earning 40k or 400k. We talked about the four numbers you need to know why lifestyle creep is a myth and how to find your worry free number, including how to start living your rich life. Now you can check it out. It's episode 237, how to design a rich life at any Income on Chris's podcast. Every episode delivers at least one tactic you can plug right into your own life. Could be a money hack that increases your net worth or routine that boosts your productivity. Search for all the hacks. That's all the hacks in your podcast app. Hit follow and start upgrading your life today.