Podcast Summary: Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi
Episode 232: “My husband gives me an allowance. I feel like a child.”
Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Ramit Sethi
Guests: Edward & Ellen
Episode Overview
This candid episode explores a financially successful couple’s underlying money dynamics that threaten their relationship: control, trust, and the emotional weight of decades-old money stories. Edward manages and controls all money for himself and Ellen, doling out a monthly allowance. Ellen, on the eve of giving birth, feels like a child who must ask her husband—her “financial parent”—for permission to spend even on essentials. Despite having a $2.4M net worth and high monthly earnings, they find themselves in recurring, emotionally charged debates about $20 face cream and prenatal vitamins. Ramit draws out the raw psychology and histories that shaped these roles, and guides the couple toward a fairer, more collaborative money structure.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Financial Power Dynamic: Parent-Child Roles
- Edward handles all budgeting, investments, and controls Ellen’s discretionary spending, setting strict rules and punitive consequences for overages.
- Ellen feels infantilized and disconnected from family finances. She avoids getting more involved out of fear that every conversation will trigger an argument or feelings of inadequacy.
Ellen (01:58): “He actually just told me yesterday that I wasn’t going to receive any money this month because of the money that I went over. Budget is fully coming out of this month.”
Edward (08:24): “Definitely parent, child. ... She’s coming and asking for permission and ... I’m letting her look at me that way and I’m taking that leadership role.”
2. Despite Wealth, Daily Spending is Highly Constrained
- The couple reports a net worth of $2.4M, house in Hawaii, and monthly gross income of ~$28,000, yet arguments erupt over $20-$200 purchases.
- Edward’s anxiety drives extremely tight budget restrictions and a focus on not “wasting” money, even essential prenatal care gets lumped into discretionary spending.
Ramit (40:00): “With a net worth of $2.4 million in their 30s, there should not be badgering going on ... To put it bluntly, a $20 face cream should not be a topic of discussion for a couple like this.”
3. Roots of Money Roles: Childhood Experiences & Worldviews
- Edward: Grew up poor with no financial security, single mother on welfare, and an absent father. His childhood trauma led him to seek absolute financial control and avoid any risk of returning to poverty.
- Ellen: Navigated a split family—her father was wealthy and gave her security, her mother was open about financial difficulties. When her father died suddenly, she lost that safety net and formed anxieties around stability.
Edward (57:55): “My mom ... would spend [money] on, you know, herself and me and just blow through it immediately ... I take the example of my upbringing as a cautionary tale ... That’s why I, you know, it'll be very hard for me to ever feel secure no matter how much I have.”
Ellen (61:09): “... my issues with money and talking about it is because of death and because of my childhood ... When [my father] passed away ... I pretty much lost all of that security...”
4. Communication Breakdown & Avoidance
- Both partners admit to poor communication around money; Ellen becomes avoidant (even to the point of not knowing the household income within $80k), while Edward creates “hoops” for Ellen to justify each purchase.
- Both express a desire for the other to adapt: Edward wants Ellen more involved and “a little bit worried” about money; Ellen wants more trust and independence, but is afraid to push for it.
Ellen (45:46): “I’m not caring enough to learn more and be more involved when I’m an equal partner with my partner.”
Edward (46:15): “I've almost set up a system of hoops that I make her jump through to be able to get to the finish line and get what she wants. And I think that I've done that intentionally over the years...”
5. Traditional Relationship — Changing Times
- Both happily identify as having a “traditional” marriage—Edward is the breadwinner/provider and Ellen the homemaker—but acknowledge the challenges of this dynamic in a modern, complex world.
- Ramit highlights that “traditional” today requires explicit, proactive alignment rather than defaulting to rigid roles that can easily devolve into control and resentment.
Ramit (56:11): “It’s very hard to be in a traditional relationship in an untraditional world ... you can choose how you want to set up your relationship, whatever you want, but you have to be aligned.”
6. Decisions About Major Life Spending
- The couple is stuck in cycles of permission-asking, guilt, and resentment over even large planned expenses, e.g., Ellen’s desire for a home birth.
- When Edward “hands over the choice,” Ellen is burdened by guilt/fear of being selfish, rather than empowered by agency.
Ramit (10:23): “You asked him about the home birth, and he essentially said, you decide. When he said that, you didn’t say, yes, I want to do it. …you put yourself down by calling yourself selfish. Why do you think you did that?”
7. Lack of Individual, No-Questions-Asked Money
- Edward admits Ellen has never had a true, regular “no-questions-asked” budget for herself; her spending is scrutinized, negotiated, or penalized month-to-month.
- Ramit pushes the couple to consider a healthy system where both get individual allowances despite their “traditional” structure, based on their actual wealth and needs.
Ellen (79:13): “That's what I would love to have happen ... I don't feel like I have that set aside for myself.”
Ramit (82:11): “How much would you both like per month for your individual, no questions asked spending?”
Edward (83:19): “The $300 bucks is whatever ... You can have $300 every month.”
8. Defining a Rich Life: Present vs. Future
- Edward is fixated on legacy, future scarcity, and worst-case planning; Ellen longs for being present, enjoying life, and accessing comfort now, not just when they hit some magical number.
Ellen (70:14): “When do you both get to live like you’re wealthy?”
Ellen (75:09): “...I try to get him to be in more of the present moment ... Life at the end of the day is about ... the moments and memories we make together.”
9. Moving Forward: A System Built Together
- Ramit and the couple design a new structure: Ellen gets $300/month personal allowance, plus an increased discretionary budget.
- Edward and Ellen agree to work more collaboratively, with Edward providing support and encouragement for Ellen’s financial learning, not just punishment for “failure.”
Edward (84:58): “Baby ... I know that this has been really stressful for you and you’re getting ready to have a baby and I think it’s important that you have some money to spend on yourself ... Are you OK with having $300 a month and just spend on whatever you want?”
Ellen (94:48): “...it would be way less of a pressure and weight on me if I feel a little bit ... helped in a more gentler way of being guided ... being like, ‘you're doing a good job.’”
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 01:58–02:56 – Ellen describes feeling punished and infantilized by Edward’s system
- 04:17–05:13 – Edward and Ellen reveal conflicting attitudes toward spending
- 06:24–07:41 – The home birth decision & permission dynamic
- 10:19–10:57 – Ellen explains the guilt and shame imposed by family “head of household” system
- 17:04–18:59 – Ellen’s confusion over the budget and lack of financial transparency
- 19:45–20:10 – Ellen’s reaction to being denied her allowance after going over
- 24:05–25:31 – How Edward took over budgeting early in their relationship
- 28:02–29:50 – Traditional marriage roles and concerns about Ellen’s “marketable skills”
- 32:59–36:16 – Edward’s money anxiety and comparison to others
- 45:46–46:15 – Ellen’s avoidance: “I’m not caring enough to learn more”
- 52:58–54:16 – Both acknowledge the parent-child dynamic and lack of trust
- 61:09–64:03 – Ellen’s childhood traumas with money, fear of loss
- 70:14–70:52 – Ellen asks: “When do you both get to live like you’re wealthy?”
- 79:13–80:24 – Ellen pleads for a personal, discretionary budget (“no questions asked”)
- 83:19–84:58 – Ramit pushes for a more generous and compassionate money system
- 84:58–85:16 – Edward expresses support in a way that resonates with Ellen
- 101:27–103:30 – Follow-ups: Edward and Ellen implement changes and welcome their new baby
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Ellen (10:23): “Every time I ask for anything, no matter if it’s more face lotion, I have to over explain why I need it ... and that constant ... is not a good feeling.”
- Edward (12:15): “I want her to worry about money … not as much as me. Right. But definitely a little bit more.”
- Ramit (36:18): “Who do you compare yourself to?”
Edward: “You. People like you. ... If I'm not doing as good as the top 1, 2%, then I'm failing.” - Ramit (40:00): “How are you going to tell your wife that prenatal vitamins come out of discretionary spending?”
- Edward (55:02): “I want her to know the numbers ... to be able to teach our daughter and be a role model...”
- Ramit (56:11): “...it is very hard to be in a traditional relationship in an untraditional world.”
- Edward (83:19): “You can have $300 every month. I'll give you $3,600 and you can call it a year.”
- Ellen (94:48): “If I was helped in a more gentler way of being guided ... being like, 'you're doing a good job.'”
- Ramit (95:43): “The vision here would have to be: we are partners in this relationship ... money is really special. Money is not like emptying the dishwasher ... we both have to be quite competent [with it].”
- Edward (101:27): “We gave her $300 to spend on personal care, whatever she wants, no questions asked, right out of the box ... and we increased our discretionary budget by 30%.”
Episode Outcomes & Action Steps
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Edward and Ellen agree to:
- Give Ellen a no-questions-asked personal budget of $300/month.
- Increase the overall discretionary budget, reducing day-to-day nitpicking.
- Have Ellen participate more in household finances, with Edward taking a supportive, non-punitive guiding role.
- Focus on building true financial partnership, modeling healthy money behavior for their children.
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Follow up:
- Baby Cash is born at home!
- Edward increased Ellen’s discretionary budget and invested in her education (Ramit’s Earnable program).
- The couple took a celebratory local vacation, a first step in living out the “rich life” now—not just planning for it.
Final Reflection
Despite their wealth, Ellen and Edward lived with financial stress and emotional distance. The breakthrough was not in a new budget, but in redefining their relationship’s money systems as equal partners, removing punishment and fear, and meeting each other’s needs for security, trust, and agency.
Ramit (100:09):
“My wish for you is that you give [your finances] the attention and respect that it deserves. … Somewhere along the way, the question of ‘can I buy face cream?’ turned into the central financial debate of their lives. He wanted her to be more involved, but only if she did it his way. She wanted to be more confident, but years of asking for permission made her doubt she could be.”
This episode is a powerful reminder: Money in a relationship is about control, trust, and working together on a shared vision—far more than numbers in a spreadsheet.