Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi

Episode 247: "We’re in our 40s — with nothing saved"
Date: February 10, 2026
Host: Ramit Sethi
Guests: Stephanie and Chris

Episode Overview

In this powerful episode, Ramit Sethi sits down with Stephanie and Chris, a married couple in their early 40s living in Canada with three young children (two with special needs). Despite high household earnings, they are struggling financially—no savings, mounting debt, and barely any investments. Ramit guides them through a raw, honest conversation about money habits, communication breakdowns, gender roles, and the psychology that’s keeping them financially stuck. If you’ve ever felt paralyzed or overwhelmed in partnership around money, this episode offers an unfiltered look at what it takes to tackle not just numbers, but the beliefs and dynamics that fuel the problem.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Financial Snapshot and the Stress of Inaction

• Current Situation:

  • Assets: $555,000 (mostly house and cars)
  • Investments: $228,500 (old retirement accounts, kids' savings)
  • Savings: $1,662
  • Debt: $544,000 (mortgage, credit cards, line of credit, $50K to family)
  • Net Worth: $241,000
  • Combined Gross Income: $155,000/year (~$12,960/month)
  • Fixed Costs: 92% of income (should be <60%)
  • Quote:

    "That right there tells me a lot. Tells me they're broke… spending more than they make."
    — Ramit Sethi (02:55)

• No Margin for Error: If they lost their income, they’d last less than a week (25:20).

2. Dysfunctional Communication and Gender Roles

• Stephanie’s Role: Bookkeeping, brings up savings/investment worries, feels dismissed without action.

• Chris’s Role: Main earner, reassures "it’ll all work out," shuts down ideas in the moment ("the dream crusher").

• Pattern: Conversations repeat with no progress; Stephanie brings concerns, Chris avoids or vetoes, both retreat.

• Memorable Dialogue:

  “I just say, whatever, fine, forget it... and go about my business and be mad about it.”
  — Stephanie (07:58)
  “The moment… what she wants is when she brings up the idea, in the moment, 'yeah, that’s a good idea.' But it’s already been poisoned.”
  — Chris (10:52)

• Gender Analysis:
  Ramit labels Chris’s behavior as the "ignorant reassurer"—unaware of family finances, defaulting to emotional reassurance rather than action.

  “The ignorant reassurer, by the way, is always a man… Do you see how gender and culture influence money before a single dollar gets spent?”
  — Ramit Sethi (28:54)

3. Money Decisions Made on Feelings, Not Facts

• They rarely run numbers before spending (swim lessons, groceries, dining out).

• Example: $3,000 spent on private swimming lessons for the kids with little planning; later, sticker shock sets in (17:46).

• Observation:

  “You make them without much planning.”
  — Stephanie (18:12)

• High, unplanned grocery spending: $2,000/month with lots of waste and no meal planning (36:23)

4. Emotion Under the Surface—Guilt, Fear, Shame

• Stephanie feels deep guilt and fear, crying when realizing how little savings they have:

  “Feel guilty, feel stupid. They just… deserve better. I’m just… I’m mad at myself.”
  — Stephanie (25:37)

• Chris recognizes he’s emotionally absent at home, stuck in “provider” mode, and confesses:

  “My work comes home with me… my life without that joy, without that excitement.”
  — Chris (43:42)

5. Learned Behaviors and Money Scripts

• Stephanie: Grew up with feast/famine money mentality; money decisions were vague ("we have it/we don’t"), no investing knowledge (47:11–49:20).
• Chris: Saved due to his father’s orders, but rebelled and spent once independent. Admits he inherited poor listening habits (50:43–52:15).

6. The True Cost of Inaction

• Chris admits he always “kicked decisions down the line” (US investments, moving, buying a house)—costing the family potentially hundreds of thousands long-term (57:29).
• Calculation: If they’d invested conservatively in the US, they’d have $100K+ now, $1M+ in retirement (57:29–58:14).

7. Path to Change: Communication, Planning, Decisions

• Ramit helps them see:

  • Both use each other as excuses for inaction.
  • They lack a framework for solution-focused conversations.
  • Must stop "dancing around" decisions and get direct.

• Breakthrough Moments:

  • Chris and Stephanie admit how their roles, communication, and avoidance have been self-defeating.
  • Ramit connects the lack of financial planning to lack of shared vision and weak relationship partnership.

    “Neither one are particularly helpful because we're not working with each other.”
    — Stephanie (54:37)

  • Chris on supporting Stephanie:

    “How can I support you better...?”
    (77:13)

    • Stephanie: “By communicating with me, finding a vision and a direction that helps me understand why I'm making this [sacrifice], why it’s worth it.”

8. Solutions and Action Steps (Money Plan in Real Time)

(1:19:21–1:22:37) Ramit guides the couple through their conscious spending plan:

• Groceries: From $2,000 → $1,200/month (36:20, 79:27)
• Subscriptions: From $295 → $88/month (79:46, follow-up)
• Children’s activities/swim lessons: Canceled, refund issued (80:49–81:07, follow-up)
• Eating Out: Limited to 2x/month, deleted apps (follow-up)
• Debt Repayment: Higher payments to pay off credit card debt in 2 years (~$500/month) (84:13)
• Emergency Fund: Building up 6 months’ expenses ($1,250+/month earmarked)
• Income: Stephanie pursuing a higher paying full-time job, exploring non-nursing positions. Chris’ university salary will grow yearly.
• Weekly Money Dates: Committed to structured, regular check-ins.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Pain of Inertia:

  “You have to admit, and really take a hard look in the mirror… It has nothing to do with the circumstances around us. These are just habits. You can change that.”
  — Ramit Sethi (59:04)

• On Gendered Scripts:

  “My wife is emotional. Emotions are bad… My job is to be a provider and to calm her down. So I’ll tell her it’s going to be okay.”
  — Ramit Sethi (45:12)

• On Redirecting the Conversation:

  “You can't fix your money until this gets fixed. We could fix your CSP no problem. But two days from now, you're going to have exactly the same conversation… You’re going to regress.”
  — Money Coach / Interviewer (42:16)

• On Partnership:

  “You are standing side by side, even when the numbers are scary, and you’re saying: we’re going to figure this out together. People can do really hard things when they know they’re not alone.”
  — Ramit Sethi (78:17)

• Breakthrough:

  “I feel relief that we have a plan and a direction, and that we’re both on the same page with it.”
  — Stephanie (93:00)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|-------------------------------------------| | 00:49 | Introduction to Stephanie & Chris | | 02:53 | Financial snapshot: assets, net worth | | 06:00 | Why their money talks go nowhere | | 17:30 | Swim lessons: spending without planning | | 25:37 | Stephanie’s guilt over money — emotional turn| | 28:53 | Gender roles – "ignorant reassurer" | | 34:45 | Guilt-free spending: not so guilt-free | | 36:20 | Grocery overspending | | 41:10 | Communication breakdown/interruptions | | 54:32 | Self-reflection on money roles | | 57:29 | The cost of not investing (calculations) | | 79:21 | Making a new spending plan (live CSP edit)| | 84:13 | Debts, sacrifices, future income | | 90:33 | Emergency fund vs. debt payoff | | 91:26 | Lessons learned: Not just about numbers | | 93:00 | Relief, direction, same page | | 94:53 | Follow-up messages from the couple |

Follow-Ups & Concrete Changes (Post-Session)

Stephanie:

• Money dates weekly (“way less fraught than they used to be”).
• Canceled private swim lessons, refunded.
• Subscriptions cut by 75% ($88/month).
• Groceries down to $1,200/month and takeout restricted.
• Paid off lowest credit card ($2,000), stopped using credit.
• Applying for higher-paying or new non-nursing jobs.

“Everything is heading in a much more positive direction now that we have a vision and a plan together.” (96:50)

Chris:

• Noticed “huge new positivity.”
• Subscriptions moved to work budget or cut.
• Music therapy for kids reintroduced (affordable and enjoyed).
• Actively seeking therapy for himself; investigating couples therapy.

"Basically no more eggshells … we have to sort of say what we mean... that's the goal." (97:28)

Takeaways

1. Money Problems Are Rarely Just About Money

Unspoken roles, lack of communication, and inherited scripts fuel inertia.

2. Ownership Enables Change

Breakthroughs come when each partner owns their contributions to the problem—in their words, “using each other as the excuse for inaction.”

3. Directness, Not Perfection

Powerful change starts with saying what you want and confronting the truth: “I want someone to say we can’t afford this, but I’m not saying it.” (81:18)

4. Process, Not Just Numbers

A process (regular check-ins, actual planning, setting targets) is more transformative than budgeting one time.

5. Partnership Is Built in Tough Moments

Support is not about fixing, but presence and alignment toward a shared vision.

6. A Plan Brings Relief

Even difficult sacrifices are tolerable—if you know why you’re making them and see a path forward.

Final Thoughts

This episode sharply illustrates that financial instability among high earners often has little to do with math—and everything to do with avoidance, scripts, and unexamined dynamics. Ramit’s coaching is both tough and empathetic, showing that the way out is through honesty, directness, and real partnership—first with each other, and then with their money.

For more:

• Find tools and resources at iwt.com/moneycoaching.
• “Money for Couples” book available for action steps and frameworks discussed.