May Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

Summary

Morbid Podcast — May Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

Hosts: Ash Kelley & Alaina Urquhart
Episode Date: May 29, 2026

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this bonus episode, Ash and Alaina tackle "Breaking Dawn Part 1"—the penultimate installment of the Twilight Saga film series. The typically true-crime focused duo take a detour into pop culture, hilariously dissecting the plot holes, internalized misogyny, questionable character motivations, and the general absurdity of the movie—and Stephenie Meyer’s writing. The episode blends impassioned literary critique with their trademark humor, offering both a cathartic roast and a nostalgic revisiting of teen vampire romance.

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Episode Breakdown

1. Kicking Off the Twilight Roast (01:30–04:21)

• Immediate Reactions

  • Ash: “Breaking Dawn Part one is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life.” (01:50)
  • Both are appalled revisiting the story as adults and note the stark difference from their teen impressions.
  • Notably traumatized by Edward “delivering the baby via his teeth.” (03:41)

• Book Club and Announcements

  • Next Morbid Book Club pick is “Victorian Psycho” by Virginia Fado, with a special guest author joining.
  • Alaina’s upcoming novel “The Butcher Legacy: Cat and Mouse” is up for preorder.

2. Twilight Canon vs. Stephenie Meyer’s Chaos (07:39–13:21)

• Critique of Meyer's Lore

  • Meyer's inconsistencies across books, movies, and the “illustrated guide” are put on blast.
  • Key Quote: “She says, first that her scientific reasoning is enough...and then she says, guys, it’s fantasy. Vampires aren’t real!” —Alaina (09:45)
  • The hosts call out her tendency to both demand lore-based investment and then hand-wave away inconsistencies.

• Gender Roles & Internalized Misogyny

  • Point out the problems with male vampires being able to impregnate humans, but not females: “Not nice that she was like, vampire guys can impregnate human women, but vampire women. Empty, stuck.” —Ash (11:02)

3. The Eternal Wig Conundrum (13:49–16:46)

• Roasting the Cullens’ Wigs
  • Recurring confusion about changing hairstyles for supposedly “frozen” vampires, e.g. Rosalie and Carlisle’s hair “arc.”
  • “Where’s the wig police when you need them?” —Ash (13:58)

4. Alice, Bella, and Female Agency (16:54–22:21)

• Wedding Dynamics & Alice's Manipulation

  • Alice’s overbearing wedding planning, Bella’s lack of autonomy (“baby girl,” as they call her), and the high-stakes consequences the Cullens endure as a result.

• Bella’s Selfishness and Authorial Intent

  • Ash ponders if Meyer “hates Bella” based on how her character is treated.
  • Discussion on the misogyny embedded in the narrative—especially the idea of vampire women losing reproductive agency while men don’t.

5. Problematic Portrayals of Infertility & Character Depth (22:27–28:27)

• Rosalie’s Stereotype
  • Rosalie is reduced to a “frigid, mean, type A” infertile woman, with all her character complexity swept aside for this trope.
  • “She just comes off as being like, well, I can’t have a baby, so I’m mad at everybody. And it’s like, that’s literally not reality.” —Alaina (27:18)

6. Nitpicks, Family Dynamics & Unrealistic Romance (29:19–36:12)

• Absurd Details
  • Bella’s bizarre painting of a dog, sleeping in jeans, Edward’s random flashbacks, and the alarming rapidity of Bella and Edward’s relationship (together only 7 months out of 14).
  • Charlie as the only redeeming character. “You know what? I already did, babe. So here we are.” —Alaina on Charlie walking Bella down the aisle (33:54)
  • The hosts decry the lack of chemistry between Stewart and Pattinson, “I’m not even convinced they ever [slept together].” —Ash (57:12)

7. Sex, Pregnancy, and the Human Experience (38:05–63:16)

• Bella’s Motivation for Human Sex

  • Bella’s insistence on “one last human experience” wreaks havoc upon everyone.
  • Jacob’s toxic possessiveness (“He gets mad in the movie. He gets so mad in the book...grabs her shoulders hard enough that she’s in pain.” —Alaina, 44:07), and the odd suggestion that Edward would agree to a throuple.

• Honeymoon Absurdities

  • Overly lengthy honeymoon scenes filled with chess, PG-13 sex leading to a destroyed bed (yet seen only the “softest sex ever”), and the awkwardness of consummating in Esme’s island house.
  • Notable Quote: “Show me the softest sex I've ever seen. Show me where he broke the closet door!” —Ash (60:08)

8. Pregnancy Plotholes and Scientific Oddities (93:09–97:03)

• Supernatural Reproduction

  • Ridiculousness of Bella growing a bump immediately, the fetus breaking Bella’s bones, and Robert Pattinson half-laughing during the “I can’t live without you” scene.
  • Carlisle being addressed mid-labor: “Carlisle, I swear something just moved inside of me. I said, that’s diabolical to say to your father-in-law.” —Ash (96:04)

• Author’s Misconceptions

  • Meyer’s claim that pregnancy “isn’t dangerous any more” is rebuffed by Alaina’s real-life two blood transfusions (104:36).

9. The Imprinting Nightmare (70:08–84:05)

• Werewolf Imprinting Drama

  • Jacob’s perspective chapters are mocked for melodramatic titling (e.g. “What do I look like, the Wizard of Oz?”), and the imprinting plotlines, especially with children, are called out as deeply disturbing.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Ash: “Where’s Chris Hansen?” (77:01)
    • Alaina: “He’s gonna appear out of nowhere for that. Who’s entrusting Quill to babysit this child that he’s in love with?” (80:12)

• Renesmee & Lack of Female Agency

  • Imprinting on babies (Claire, Renesmee): “All she has to do is wait until she’s old enough. That’s so f***ed up.” —Ash (91:33)
  • The hosts highlight the lack of autonomy for female characters, exemplified by Leah’s tragic arc (84:05), and how the concept “takes away women’s autonomy.”

10. Inconsistencies, Lore Problems & Finale (103:02–End)

• Lore Contradictions

  • Calling out that the rules of imprinting (must happen at first sight after phasing) are immediately violated with Jacob and Renesmee.

• C-Section by Teeth

  • The infamous vampire caesarean is dissected, with both incredulous and horrified laughter at the logistics.

• Rosalie’s True Colors

  • Rosalie is shown as more concerned with the baby than with Bella’s survival, highlighting her one-note characterization.

• Arrow’s Post-Credit Scene

  • The hosts delight in Arrow’s campy, over-the-top vampire villainy and his reaction to a secretary’s spelling error—a rare comedic highlight.
  • “He immediately has two vampires kill Bianca because he says for the spelling and the grammar.” —Alaina (109:39)

• The Soundtrack & Playlists

  • The episode ends with a bemused look at Meyer’s self-curated character playlists (Beach Boys and Hoobastank noted as puzzling inclusions).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Meyer’s Logic:
  “You can’t just be like, it’s fake. No, we know that! You don’t bring me back to reality.” —Alaina (13:02)

• On Character Chemistry:
  “I’m not even convinced they ever [slept together].” —Ash (57:12)

• On Literary Clichés:
  “She made Rosalie the stereotype of an infertile woman...That’s literally not reality, no.” —Alaina (27:18)

• On Imprinting:
  “Where’s Chris Hansen?” —Ash (77:01)
  “Who’s interesting Quill to babysit this child that he’s in love with?” —Alaina (80:12)

• On the Wedding Reception:
  “Jessica’s speech... I will cringe until the end of the earth.” —Alaina (37:59)

• On Lore Consistency:
  “[Imprinting] happens the first time a werewolf sees the object of his imprinting...But he does. But he does what? That doesn’t make any sense.” —Alaina (103:02)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• Intro & Initial Thoughts: 01:30–04:21
• Book Club/New Announcements: 04:21–06:41
• Twilight Lore & Meyer’s Contradictions: 07:39–13:21
• Wigs & Visual Oddities: 13:49–16:46
• Alice & Bella’s Agency: 16:54–22:21
• Infertility Stereotypes: 22:27–28:27
• Relationship Timeline & Family: 29:19–36:12
• Honeymoon Shenanigans: 47:15–63:16
• Imprinting, Internalized Misogyny: 70:08–84:05
• Pregnancy Crisis & Birth: 93:09–106:08
• Imprinting/Renesmee Issues: 103:02–108:03
• The Finale & Arrow’s Scene: 108:53–110:38
• Playlists & Wrap-up Reflections: 110:38–end

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Summary & Takeaways

Ash and Alaina deliver a detailed, highly comedic critique of Breaking Dawn Part 1, exposing plot holes, bizarre sexual politics, internalized misogyny, wild character decisions, and the continued absurdity of the Twilight franchise. The episode is as much pop cultural therapy as it is film criticism, providing a safe space for listeners to laugh at (and with) the series that shaped an entire generation's approach to romance, fantasy, and questionable wigs.

Perfect for:
Those who want a strong, unapologetically funny breakdown of “Breaking Dawn Part 1”—whether for nostalgia, critical engagement, or a cathartic laugh at vampire-wolf melodrama.

Next up:
“Breaking Dawn Part 2” and more wild Meyersian adventures—plus, listeners are asked to suggest new series for the next bonus deep dive!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey weirdos.

[A]

I'm Ash.

[B]

And I'm Elena and this is a

[A]

bonus episode of Morbid.

[B]

It's bonus. It's bonus. It's on top of the other two this week.

[A]

It's on top of everything. Yach, you guys. Oh my God. Breaking Dawn Part one is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life.

[B]

The book is also wildly rough.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

I wildly rough.

[A]

I remember reading this book. I was probably like 13 maybe when this one came out, maybe 12. And I was like this is the sexiest thing I've ever read in my life. And now I'm like, oh, what the.

[B]

It's. It's a trip. It's.

[A]

It's a trick. Being almost 30 years old and looking back, I'm like why the who let me read this?

[B]

That's the.

[A]

And I got.

[B]

I got my post its back out in the book.

[A]

I love watching Elena prepare for these episodes because that bitch whips out a pack of post its and she just goes to tone.

[B]

Yep. Because you gotta. We gotta do book and movie and illustrated guide. Yeah. And website. The web got some off the website.

[A]

I got a Lot from the website.

[B]

I was.

[A]

I was surfing through that website, and there's just so many things I have to say.

[B]

Stephenie Meyer is a trip. Stephanie Meyer, a trip. Like you just really are.

[A]

I just need to say this. Cause it's ticking me off. At one point, she writes like somebody else is writing for Stephanie in.

[B]

In. On the website.

[A]

On the website. Like her fan site or whatever you

[B]

want to call it.

[A]

And then she writes like she's writing it, but it's within the same couple of paragraphs.

[B]

It's confusing.

[A]

So I said, who the fuck is writing this if not you, Steph?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a big.

[A]

It's a.

[B]

It's wild.

[A]

Yeah, It's a wild ride all the way through. I feel like now I can't remember breaking down Part two at least, like, the movie, because when we were watching this, I was like, oh, wow. I don't remember, like, any of this. I specifically didn't remember that Edward delivers the baby via his teeth.

[B]

Yeah. Which is hard to forget. It's wild.

[A]

I think that was actually a trauma response.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

I think that was in a box somewhere in the deep back part of my brain.

[B]

Yeah, your brain really protected you there.

[A]

But now I'm like, oh, God, what are. What's going to happen when we do part two?

[B]

Part two just has a lot of funny lines in it and, like, deliveries.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then there's, like, a pretty cool fight scene. I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly,

[A]

there is a cool fight scene. And I remember. I don't know why we're getting, like, into part two right now, but I do remember that Bella has that, like, force field thing she can do.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. I actually completely forgot about that. That was.

[A]

I remembered that out of there. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

But this part right now.

[B]

Well, and before we get into that, we wanted to announce our next morbid book club period pick. It's going to be Victorian Psycho by Virginia Fado.

[A]

I'm very excited.

[B]

We're very excited about it.

[A]

We have a special guest joining for us.

[B]

We have a special guest joining for it. It's gonna be fun.

[A]

It's gonna be great.

[B]

It's an author.

[A]

An author, you say?

[B]

It's a horror author. Horror. And we're very excited about them coming and we're excited to talk to you about it. It's a pretty. It's a book that's on the shorter side. Should be pretty. Pretty easy to get through.

[A]

Yeah. I think even if you're like, an Audio listener. I think the audiobook's, like, four hours, for sure, so check it out.

[B]

And it's supposed to be great. I'm excited to read it.

[A]

Yeah. That'll be what, the end of June?

[B]

That comes out. Yeah.

[A]

Mikey, does that come out at the end of June? Yeah, it'll be at the end of June.

[B]

That'll be the end of June. Leave that in.

[A]

It's kind of funny. So, Mikey.

[B]

Mikey,

[A]

you know what? I should just start yelling at him. Mike Jones. Do you remember that? The Ging Gang twins.

[B]

Yes, you absolutely should. So, yeah, that's the business that we have. Also, since we're talking about books, if you want to pre order a book, you should pre order the Butcher Legacy

[A]

Cat and Mouse, because it's there.

[B]

Yeah. And you should order it. Yeah, I really good. The prologue of it the other day after not reading it for a while, and I said, that's not that bad.

[A]

She said, wow, I don't even think

[B]

I suck at this.

[A]

And I was like, I'd actually venture that you're pretty good at this.

[B]

So I'm telling you, I said that to Drew.

[A]

And he goes, does she realize she's been on the New York bestsellers list twice? And. And he was like, in, like, at the very beginning of her career.

[B]

It's. It's the thing that will never.

[A]

He was like, that's of pretty high esteem.

[B]

I'll constantly be like, oh, yeah, I think I'm getting better at this.

[A]

You are.

[B]

You know, you are always improving, and I think you.

[A]

You have a natural talent to sell this.

[B]

Thank you. I appreciate that. So, yeah, go get. Go get that if you want to. You can get it anywhere. So in my UK babes, something special is coming for you, too. So stay tuned.

[A]

Ooh, is that the thing you showed

[B]

me the other day?

[A]

Yesterday? Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's only for uk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's so cool.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm gonna get one too, though.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Oh, can I have one?

[B]

Yeah. Cool. You guys will find out.

[A]

Hey, I didn't even mean to make that. So. So.

[B]

Spoiler.

[A]

Or like. Or, like, exciting. But I. That's a cool thing.

[B]

See? Okay, so, yeah. So that's all the business. And now it's time for Breaking Dawn Part one. Because it's time. This one is wild, y'. All. I forgot how.

[A]

Truly.

[B]

I think I.

[A]

We saw this together in the movie theater.

[B]

We did.

[A]

I think we might have been with my mother, maybe.

[B]

I mean. You mean Renee?

[A]

Yes. No, watching this movie. I said, that would have been my Mother. If she was invited to my wedding, she went, good night. That would absolutely be. We will be getting into it with the disheveled hair and all.

[B]

She looked wild.

[A]

She was good. She said, everybody at this wedding getting tipsy.

[B]

She did.

[A]

She did. I like Charlie's speech the best.

[B]

I love Charlie to an unhealthy degree. I love when he walks in and

[A]

he goes, yeah, I know. I look hot.

[B]

And I was like, you do.

[A]

I said, you really do, Charlie. You're looking good, bud.

[B]

You really do.

[A]

All right, let's start. Where are we starting?

[B]

So we gotta start with one thing that makes me so annoyed. Oh, God. So. And it's the overarching theme of this whole thing. Okay, so obviously, in a lot of these things, we find that Stephanie Meyer goes against her own lore that she created, because the illustrated guide will say something, the book will say something, the movie will say. They all collide into just, like, a crazy thing. Now, in the illustrated guide, she says, Stephanie Meyer says that she understands that people won't accept or get the whole vampires and humans having babies like that. That would be like. Wait, what? Like. Well, yeah, because you've never brought it up before. Yeah, like immortal children have been brought up, but that's like a different thing.

[A]

That was like when they were turning

[B]

baby and out of, like, kids. Yeah.

[A]

Which is.

[B]

So what kills me is she says, but to her, her, and I quote, scientific reasoning is enough for her.

[A]

Huh? Was she doing experiments?

[B]

Scientific reasoning?

[A]

She do the scientific method on this?

[B]

Nothing about this. And here's. Here's again, where it doesn't make. So you say, whoa, okay, so you're science, we're science here. That's now science, in case everybody's wondering, is based in reality.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right. We're firmly in reality right now. Because by her own words, here we are two feet in reality. Okay, so she says she went against her own previously set up lore, obviously, because, like, you know, that happens. And instead of saying, like, you know, because I would respect this if she said I wanted this plot point, you know, I felt like it was going to be a good direction. It felt important to me. It goes against the lore. But, like, I just went there because it was really important to go here.

[A]

She's, like, making it canon.

[B]

Yeah. I can at least respect that, that you're saying, you know what? I'm going against my own lore. But it's important, and I think it's going to be worth it. But instead, she says first that her scientific reasoning is enough for her for this to work. And then she says, guys, it's fantasy. Vampires are real. What?

[A]

You're. Oh, boy. She really said y'. All.

[B]

So you just told me with 10 toes down in the realm of reality that it's based on scientific reasoning. And then in the next breath, you say to me, you believe in vampires. That's so cute, idiot. That's so cute, you freak. Freak. Like, it's just like, what? What? And she's like, no, this. I can make it up as I go along because it's fantasy. And it's like, no, I know that you make the world and that, like, you can make it whatever.

[A]

Then you have to follow your own rules.

[B]

But the problem is you made lore. And not only did you make lore, you made an illustrated guide that you didn't need to make.

[A]

I think she might forget that she made that.

[B]

You made this illustrated guide that no one made you do.

[A]

Because there's also another big thing that happens with Jacob.

[B]

There's a few. There's. Yeah, there's some glaring.

[A]

That one is glaring to me. Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's. And it's such an easy out to say. It's fantasy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Vampires aren't real.

[A]

It's like, but you made this.

[B]

And it's like, but also. But you're taking it so seriously.

[A]

And it's like.

[B]

And it's okay if you take it seriously because it's your world you created. But in the same breath, you're telling me that's fucking weird that you believe this, but believe this, please. And care about it. It's like, no, you can't have it both ways. No.

[A]

Also, I do feel like it's kind of misogynistic that vampire guys. It's like how, like, men can fuck until they're 70 and, like, be ad. Bad. It's not nice that she was like, vampire guys can impregnate human women, but vampire women. Empty, stuck.

[B]

I'm going to get into that.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

What bothers me about. Just like, to go back to this one thing is like, I love fantasy. Yeah. Fantasy is fun. Yeah. I will fully envelop myself in a fantastical world, and I will believe it for the moment that I'm reading it. And it's like, but you and. And she, as somebody who's writing fantasy, like, if I was writing a fan, I love fantasy so much that I wish I could write a fantasy novel. It just seems like a lot of work because you have to have a lot of stuff that I'm, like, averse to work, but I'm just saying, like,

[A]

we know creating a whole lore and

[B]

like, magical system is, like, daunting, I imagine.

[A]

Well, and I'm very impressed. Obviously tough, because as it. As it builds and builds and builds, you have to remember all of the rules.

[B]

Exactly. It feels hard. Like, maybe I'll try it someday because it does seem fun. And now that I said that, I don't think I could do it. Now I feel like I have to do it.

[A]

She has to prove it to herself. You know why? Because she's a Virgo rising. But I have a Capricorn coded. That's Virgo coded.

[B]

There you go. But if you are writing something like that, I imagine that you take it very seriously and you take the. The world seriously. And to you, it's in that moment, very real. And you want readers to feel like it's very real while they read it. So then to. To kind of cop out of fucking up against your own lore with. You think this is real, guys? Yeah. It's insulting. Like, you silly gooses. Like, what are you doing? I'm like, no, you can't do that. You can't make readers feel stupid for being enveloped in this world when you've given me every reason to be enveloped in this world. Like, that's not cool. No. Like, you can't just be like, it's fake. No, we know that. Like, you don't bring me back to reality. That's not what we're supposed to keep

[A]

you rooted in this world.

[B]

And again, if you just said, yeah, you know what? The story just had to go this way. I felt very passionately about it going this way. I'd be like, okay, girl like that. I can respect that. Yeah. But to. To use the. You guys are silly for believing, like, don't care so much is like, okay.

[A]

Like, you don't blame your readers, Stephanie.

[B]

Yeah. Don't blame your readers for giving a.

[A]

About your story and remembering your lore. Yeah.

[B]

Huh. Like, fuck.

[A]

She also said that this was inspired by the Merchant of Venice in A Midsummer Night's Dream, which are both in

[B]

the movie, by the way.

[A]

I just want to state that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all. I'm just going to leave that there.

[B]

Like, damn.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really know. I'm not sure about that. I'm not really sure.

[A]

Anyways.

[B]

And also, why. Because we're like four movies in at this point. Why do the Cullens wigs change so much?

[A]

The wigs? Where's the wig police? When you need them. Tomlink.

[B]

Where's Tom? Like, with the wig police?

[A]

Tomlink would say, what the fuck is going on here? He would.

[B]

Because also, what bothers me is I'm like, so many questions here. One, why are there. Why is their hair changing when it's very much drilled in our heads that they are frozen? Yep, Frozen.

[A]

Rosalie's hair, in particular goes through such a character arc.

[B]

Yeah, it really did.

[A]

Like, her hair has a character.

[B]

So does Carlisle's.

[A]

Carlisle's hair.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

Because he. He looks so beautiful in, like, the first two, and then I don't really feel like you see him that much

[B]

in the first couple is sculpted out of stone. I mean, he's beautiful.

[A]

He's gorge.

[B]

And I'm not saying he's ugly in the later ones, but.

[A]

No, no, no. His hair. Here's the thing. His hair looks ugly.

[B]

It does.

[A]

And I'm willing to say that because

[B]

it's not his hair. It's not good in this one.

[A]

It's like. Like. What did you say? Straw? Yellow. Yellow hay.

[B]

And it's, like, parted over to the side, but not, like, quaffed at all.

[A]

It's just, like, mushroom hanging in his face. It's giving mushroom.

[B]

It just doesn't make any sense. And then Jasper's hair. Who fucking knows what's going on with that?

[A]

Jasper's hair is crazy. I saw a couple tiktoks of him hosting, like, Twilight discussion things, and he's really funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the actor who plays Jasper, he's played by Jackson Rathbone.

[B]

Yeah, see? No, I was like, wait, I figured it out. No, that's just the character.

[A]

That was hilarious. I was like. I was very impressed.

[B]

I. I should have just gone with it. But, yeah, one of the. Like, going back to what you were saying, like, one of the things. Because I'm like, they're all supposed to be frozen. Because also, where are the wigs from season, from movie to movie? Okay. Did they know, like, that's, like, where'd you put them?

[A]

Even Mikey has a wig drawer.

[B]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[A]

Whatever production company. And Mikey has the same wigs in that drawer 24 7.

[B]

Rosalie's wig, who has it from the first movie? Where'd it go? I don't know. Where is it?

[A]

Mikey is opening his wig drawer. Yeah.

[B]

And putting on that wig.

[A]

Looked so scary. That's. That's the Sherry Moon zombie wig from when I was Sher Moon.

[B]

That's when I was Shermoon.

[A]

Oh, my God. There you go.

[B]

Honestly, that looks like one of the Cullen's wigs.

[A]

That is Rosalie's wig.

[B]

And. But I really want to know if you're out there and you have those wig, where are. Where did you put them?

[A]

Are they.

[B]

Where are they? Because they change every. Every movie.

[A]

No, it' true.

[B]

Like, there's no chain of custody for these wigs.

[A]

There's no. There's. There's no chain of custody for anything. Cuz.

[B]

Also, where are they?

[A]

Alice's hair in the first movie is like, super, super. Like, not super long, but it's like, longer.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a. A ass bob.

[A]

And then it gets cut and then it's like, long again and then it's a pix. And I'm like, but their hair's not supposed to grow.

[B]

That's the thing.

[A]

And I'm like, when you cut it

[B]

into a pixie, you're committing to that.

[A]

I love Alice's hair at the wedding, the way she, like, sculpts it on the very, like, 20s.

[B]

Yeah, I really did love that.

[A]

But Alice in this movie p me off.

[B]

And she's a creep. She's a creep. Alice does kind of piss me off.

[A]

Alice is a creep because she.

[B]

Everything is her way or the highway. The whole wedding. She plans the whole thing. Which I realize, like, the whole thing is supposed to be like, well, Bella doesn't want to, and she doesn't like this stuff. And I'm like, but why is she

[A]

getting married and having a huge wedding?

[B]

Well. And honestly, I don't even think she's ever given a chance to.

[A]

No, it's true.

[B]

She doesn't even get a chance to

[A]

say, because as I've said many time before, she is baby girl.

[B]

She is baby girl.

[A]

So, baby girl, I got a bone to pick with Bella. She's a selfish motherfucker.

[B]

She is a.

[A]

Honestly. The poor Cullen family. Yeah, the poor Cullen family. Truly, their lives have been in danger the entire time she's been around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They had to up. All of them had to up and move because Edward was. I can't do it.

[B]

Yeah, sorry.

[A]

And then they were like, now come back. We're in love. And, oh, she's going to have this baby and maybe die.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But we're gonna have to try to, like, keep her alive.

[B]

And also, not only is she gonna have this baby and maybe die, it's also gonna void the treaty we've had for a zillion years with the werewolves. Now they're gonna try to kill us. Oh, it's gonna piss off the Volturi. And now we're gonna have to deal with all those. Oh, and also, all the other covens are gonna have to get involved. And all their lives are gonna have to be upended by this. And they're gonna have to fight the Volturi too.

[A]

And she doesn't care.

[B]

And this is all because Bella just had to fuck as a human.

[A]

Say it.

[B]

She just had to fuck as a human. I have to have that one human experience. It's gonna cause a lot of problems. Also, can I just say something? Do it after. You're both gonna be ungodly beautiful after that, too. What thing? Brother, why not?

[A]

And also, I bet vampires. I just watched Tara and Franklin fuck on True Blood.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I mean, she's not a vampire yet, but that looked incredible.

[B]

Of course, I think if you were

[A]

a vampire as well. Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, oh, my God. Holy shit. Sparks will fly.

[B]

I know you wanted that human experience, but, babe, you kind of gave that up when you. When you decided to marry a vampire.

[A]

And also, Edward didn't really want it. Sheila guilted him into human attacking her. That's weird.

[B]

And if you just waited until after you were a vampire, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with a half vampire baby

[A]

who tried to kill you.

[B]

Who tried to kill you. And it wouldn't have voided all the treaties and pissed off all the Volturris. Crazy girl. I feel like this was a problem for everyone. And it's very selfish.

[A]

This is Bella's world and we're all just living in it. And may I venture to say this, I think Stephenie Meyer hates Bella. I think Stephenie Meyer hates Bella.

[B]

See, I think Stephenie Meyer thinks Bella is like, right.

[A]

But I think she hates her do.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I just think she hates her because she puts her in all these crazy ass situations. And also, I think Stephanie Meyer really loves Edward. So, like, Edward always getting upset with Bella, but like, it, like, can't stay away from her all at the same time.

[B]

But I think she kind of sees a little bit of herself in Bella maybe.

[A]

Well, yeah, no, I think she does because she's kind of like said that before.

[B]

So I think these crazy situations that

[A]

were like, like, what the are you doing?

[B]

She's like, no, that's great. Like, I think this is that, like,

[A]

maybe I just hate Bella.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I feel like maybe that's what's going on. Maybe I'm just a hater.

[B]

Maybe that's it. And to go back really quick just to what you were saying earlier with the. How Completely sexist and misogynistic. This whole thing is. When you really dive into this. She. There's some serious internalized misogyny. 100% that just never should have been spat onto the page, in my opinion. In her words. Her website and breaking Dawn Part 1, she says that vampire men can have babies. Huh?

[A]

They can because they have.

[B]

They got them.

[A]

They have a fluid similar to seminal fluid.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Their works pretty much the same way, which is wild.

[A]

Really up.

[B]

And if the venom slash. Sperm comes in contact with an ovum, they can conceive. But that. And you say, okay, wow. Okay, so vampires can conceive. Oh, no, no, no. Because, yes, the male vampire works, right. The same. But women, they can't because when they turn into vampires, they are frozen. That's so up. And their system stops working. Like a woman's body should work is literally what is said is. That's like essentially what's being said here. Women's bodies, in her words, in the book, quote, don't have like vampire women, quote, don't have what is needed to accommodate a growing child. So you're telling me men are still. Pew, pew, pew. Can shoot sperm everywhere, every which way.

[A]

Sperm, like. It's not even sperm. It's sperm, like.

[B]

And it still creates life.

[A]

It still works. It still creates. That pisses me off even more. It's not even sperm.

[B]

It's venomous sperm. And it still creates life. Yeah. But we. When we get turned into vampires, everything just freezes in place. Done. And we become frigid, barren. Just. We can't accept a baby. And it's like, what the. Is that. Yep, that's. It is. That is so. It is. And I also have a problem, like, just coming off of that with. Because obviously Rosalie is a great example of this when she explains that all she ever wanted was a baby and all she ever. And that's why. Why she's also pissed at Bella for wanting to become a vampire. Because she's like, hey, you're not going to be able to do that.

[A]

That's also why she's pissed that Bella did become a vampire. Because she was really hoping she would die and that she could keep that baby.

[B]

Exactly. Do you know that feeling when working out finally clicks, when you finally feel like you get in a routine, when you can see the results, not just phys, but also like emotionally, mentally, all of it.

[A]

I don't know. Tell me about it.

[B]

I'm gonna tell you about it because finally when it clicks for me is when I get that Clear headed feeling I can. I actually look forward to my workouts because I feel like they're kind of like a reset for me. Oh, heck yeah. Heck yeah. It's honestly, it's worth it. You're. It's worth it. It's an investment in yourself in every way that it can be. So I'm telling you, one way you can do this is with Peloton. Peloton helps you unlock all the expansive, joyful feelings that somebody gets through movement with the Peloton Cross Training Tread plus powered by Peloton iq, Peloton IQ builds a workout roadmap that's completely yours. So you can stop overthinking and just move, which is the hardest part.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Peloton IQ provides intelligent strength coaching so you can stay in the moment. You can track every single rep, you can read every movement and guiding form in real time. So there's no second guessing because that's always my thing is I'm like, like, am I doing this right? And they're like, no you're not. This is how you do it.

[A]

Don't second guess yourself, girl.

[B]

Don't do it. So spin the swivel screen too and feel what's possible. Moving from running to strength seamlessly without breaking any flow because we don't want

[A]

to break that flow state there.

[B]

Honestly, the clarity that comes when you stop negotiating with yourself. I'll just do it tomorrow. I'll, I'll start it next week. Maybe if I get in this routine I'll feel better. Don't talk about it. It just do it.

[A]

Don't talk about it, be about it.

[B]

And take it from me, because I'm the person who will continue negotiating with myself until I'm 80 years old that I've yet to step on any single exercise equipment. So finally when I stopped and I just got on my peloton, I'm telling you it's an investment. It's a worthwhile investment in yourself. So let yourself run, lift, fail. Try and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross training TREAD [e-mail] period.

[A]

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[B]

She made Rosalie the stereotype of an infertile woman. And this is coming from somebody who went through infertility, so I can speak on it as a previously infertile woman. I hate when they are portrayed as frigid, mean, like, type A.

[A]

You're saying, like, Jennifer Garner, Like, Jennifer Juno.

[B]

Like, her husband's such a cool guy. I'm like, oh, my God, he's so cool. He's a predator. But what a cool guy. And then she's portrayed as this very frigid, uptight, like, well, I can't have a baby. And it's like, nope, nope.

[A]

Why are we portraying that?

[B]

Like, why are we? And it goes right into this. She's fucking mean for no reason to Bella. She's nasty. She's like a frigid bitch. And she just comes off as being like, well, I can't have a baby, so I'm mad at everybody. And it's like, that's literally not reality. No. And then it, like, goes further with this movie and this book because now all of a sudden, she has a change of heart to Bella because now Bella has become a fucking vessel to her. She doesn't give a shit about Bella.

[A]

She doesn't.

[B]

She cares. All she cares about is, cool. That baby's gonna kill you and claw its way out of you, and then it's gone. I get to have my baby. That's also not reality of, like, an infertile. Like, somebody going through infertility is like, oh, I'll just look at everybody else like a vessel, and I can just watch them die and steal their baby. Like, that's. What a weird way to portray her.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

And I feel like it fucks up her character because she also has a cool. Like, she has a backstory that's really, like, traumatic and crazy and, like, she's. She gets, like, badass.

[A]

She gets, like, stifled down to just that.

[B]

She gets shoved into this box is just being, like, baby obsessed lady who can't have a baby of her own. And, like, that's it. That's icky because you've made her, like, she's a strong character, and it's like. And she really dumbed her down and

[A]

she's such a badass. Her backstory, like you were just saying, like, in Eclipse, it's so cool.

[B]

And we.

[A]

I think we said it when we went over Eclipse. They didn't even go that far enough into it.

[B]

No, I wish they had.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But going back to the beginning of the movie, because we'll, like, try to hit some of the stuff in the beginning. One of the things that I noticed in the movie is in Bella's room when she's, like, packing up her. Why is there just a painting of a dog next to her bed?

[A]

I wondered that too.

[B]

And it's not like a wolf dog.

[A]

I wondered that too.

[B]

It's like a floofy dog. Yeah.

[A]

It's like a bichon. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

Just like a sheep dog. I don't think it was there before either. I don't know if it was there. Maybe it was, and I just didn't notice it until the room was empty. But I'm like, why?

[A]

Maybe she has Like a desire to become one of those ladies that like shows those dogs.

[B]

That's. I'm like, you didn't give me any. Like, you never mentioned that she had a dog.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think she did.

[B]

There's this very distracting big painting of a fluffy dog.

[A]

See, I was too upset about the fact that she literally gets into bed wearing jeans and a belt.

[B]

Oh, I literally have that in all caps right here. Why does she get into bed with jeans on?

[A]

And also, Edward is going to break her house. And at least she acknowledges that. But it's always like, oh, no, nobody knows that Edward is here. I'm like, Charlie's a cop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Charlie is the. The sheriff. He knows that Edward has attached himself to the house.

[B]

Yeah. Like when he jumps on, it's like playing. It's like every time.

[A]

And then Emmett and Jasper are like, knows that you have people over.

[B]

Like, Charlie's a smart guy. Yeah, Charlie's smart. He's handsome, he's capable, and he knows he's hot. He knows he's. Yeah, I know I'm hot. But yeah, you're right. He knows every single day. Come on.

[A]

And what are you doing? Going to sleep in jeans, you freak. Oh, God. At least take your belt off.

[B]

Just. What are you doing? What are you doing? And then Renee, the mom getting the wedding invitation.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Like, Charlie reacted appropriately of having like a somber moment to himself being like, like, I really up here. Yeah. Renee is literally like she's standing in her green screen beach.

[A]

That green screen beach was Dia Phil,

[B]

who we don't see. And she's just like, girl, it's happening.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

So happy that her 18 year old daughter after dating this guy for, oh, 4.5 seconds. I don't need. How long have they been together?

[A]

They haven't been together that long because she transfers. I don't. I think they're like. I mean, they go to prom, so I think she had to have been like a junior when they first got together. So two years.

[B]

I don't even know if it's two. I'm looking it up because I don't even know if it's two years. I don't know.

[A]

Well, also, it can't be because she transferred in the middle of the school year. Yeah, 14 months. 14. 14 months.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

They met in mid January of 2005 and officially started dating in March of 2005. He left her in September. They were separated for seven months and then they reunited in March 2006 and got married on August 13th.

[B]

Oh, so it's not even. It's like seven months that they've actually been together.

[A]

Some people count the break, some people don't.

[B]

If it's 14 months. Yeah. And you weren't together for seven of them. For seven of them. That's half of that time.

[A]

That is half of that time. We are going to count that one as.

[B]

As a break.

[A]

Seven months. I didn't realize.

[B]

So technically they have only physically been together for seven months.

[A]

Months. Let that sink in.

[B]

Everybody let that. And then I want you to picture Renee on her green screen beach saying, they're. It's happening. And I was like, you're a bad mom. You're a bad mom, Renee. I mean, Renee, you hear me? You're a bad mom.

[A]

Based on the illustrated guide alone. She's a terrible mother.

[B]

She's terrible.

[A]

She let Bella take over the bills when Bella was like 12.

[B]

She's doing the books.

[A]

No, she. I think it literally says Bella started doing the books looks because Renee couldn't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, hello.

[B]

That's gnarly.

[A]

It's so funny because she's so parentified. That's why she's so baby girl. Because in the book, she was so. She was a parentified child. And then she met Edward and she said that.

[B]

She said, he's a thousand.

[A]

I get to be the kid here.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

I didn't want to do this.

[B]

Yeah. Like, damn. Yeah.

[A]

Then we go to the wedding, which. Oh, my God, I love her dress. I will say the back of her dress is stunning. One thing I do have to say, though, in the beginning, she's practicing walking in, like, gigantic heels.

[B]

Yeah. Her.

[A]

You don't. Her dress covers them. She could have wore fuzzy slippers if she wanted to.

[B]

I'm like, you can't see the heels. Yeah.

[A]

But also, as she walks down the aisle, I said, babe, people are taking pictures of you. If we're considering this a real wedding, she looks. She looks like a deer in headlights.

[B]

So horrified to be marrying this man. And I love it. Cuz when they go out, like, she's like, just don't let me fall. And when. And I love when Charlie says, like, never or whatever. He says, it's really sweet. I just love Charlie.

[A]

Cute mom, cute, cute kid and dad moment.

[B]

This is just gonna be be me loving Charlie, period. It's the only good thing about this. But in that moment, I was like, if I was Charlie, I'd be. I'd be like. I gesture broadly and be like, I've already let you Fall.

[A]

I already did, babe.

[B]

You know what? I already did, babe. So here we are.

[A]

He got involved in our life too late, I think, like, like, more involved too late.

[B]

And there's a part where, like, when she's trying on the shoes, too, with Alice. Oh. That when she walks away in the movie, she does this one little skip, skip, and then, like, hops off. Deb was the one who noticed it, and I had never noticed it before, and I was like, why does she do that? Why did she do that? Just, like. Just a skip and then she's just off. I don't know. It's very strange. And then we do get, like, when she's packing up her. We get Edward doing a flashback to, like, why he's still trying to convince her not to become a vampire before the wedding. Because Edward still wants her to die of old age so he can go get it with someone else, apparently. I'm sorry. That's, like, the most unromantic thing to me is a vampire not wanting to change the person he's in love with.

[A]

It's a really annoying trope, too, because it happens in, like, every vampire movie or TV show. And it's like.

[B]

It's very unromantic. To me.

[A]

It is.

[B]

If you really loved me, you would not want to live without me, and you wouldn't want me to die someday.

[A]

And if you think I'm so beautiful, why not freeze me in this gorgeous state?

[B]

Yeah. Hello. You just shouldn't ever want to be without me. No. So why? You're just going to wait me out?

[A]

Also, how about my own autonomy? I'd like you to change me.

[B]

Do it. It. So I think it's dumb, but he's in there being like, let me tell you about when I turned into it. I'd be like, I literally don't care.

[A]

He also told her his whole backstory. Like, he's a monster. I said, first of all, you were hella hot back. Makes him even better. First of all, sick haircut.

[B]

I love it. Edward in the 20s, 30s.

[A]

A a a honestly, men's looks in the 20s. A personality is probably not great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But he tells her all about his backstory and how, like, he basically murdered monsters. Like, he was. He was going very Dexter. Exactly. And he says that. Like, that who you want to be with.

[B]

I'd be like, yeah. Yes.

[A]

Yeah, I do. Like, that would make me want to marry him more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She also. He's like, what? What does he say? He says, like, what do you want to see when you look in the mirror, Bella. And she's like, you.

[B]

And I said, what? What? What?

[A]

I said, this romance is more fucked

[B]

up than I thought. That's weird. You're not becoming one.

[A]

She actually said, I want to wear your skin in a weird way.

[B]

Your face. So. But, yeah, that was weird. But I liked the flashback because he looked really good enough.

[A]

He saves the lady.

[B]

He does a lady in a great outfit. It's true. Because it was, like, the 20s, 30s. Yep. And at the reception, we meet, like, those blonde vampires from Alaska, I think it is.

[A]

Yeah. I remember they played a much bigger part in the book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because people tried to, like, set Edward up with Arena.

[B]

Right. Well, in. Arena, apparently, was, like, with Laurent. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and then obviously, the wolves ripped him apart because he was gonna kill Bella.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it happens.

[A]

But she doesn't believe that.

[B]

And at first. Here's the thing. At first, when I saw this scene, I was like. I'd be pissed. I'd be like, get the out of my wedding. Because she's like, I don't believe that. Like, and she has the way this. This actress plays it. Yeah. I know there's not a lot to work with here, but, like, you got to do what you got to do. It's, like, very dramatic. But, like, the face she's making makes me laugh. She's so intense.

[A]

It's like when Kim K. Cries.

[B]

Yeah. It's pretty gnarly. And she's like. And, you know, they're like, you know, Laurent was going to kill Bella. Like, there was really nothing. And she's like, I don't believe that. I'd be like. And then get the out of my wedding. Like, why are you here?

[A]

You don't support me.

[B]

But then I'm like, well, breaking Dawn Part 2 is actually going to bring, like, a pretty big headache. Yeah. To all of these covens, because Bella just. Just had to as a human. So now I'm kind of, like, kind of on Arena's side here, like, because she's even, like, she bring a lot of problems.

[A]

Well, that's the thing. All the vampires are looking around, like, you're really gonna, like, throw it all away for this?

[B]

And it's also like, just turn her. Yeah. Just go turn her, baby. Yes. The Volturi. The Volturi wants you to do it. She's got the shield. Like, do it. Yeah. Look, this could all be fixed. It could be. But then. Jessica's speech.

[A]

Jessica's speech. I'm still thinking about it.

[B]

I will. I will cringe. Until the end of the earth.

[A]

Or the hair, as I call him.

[B]

Or the hare, as everybody calls him.

[A]

I was like, she said, as I call him just Jessica. That's her pet name for Bella's husband. And when they like flash to Edward,

[B]

his wedding hair is shit. It's awful, complete shit. I'd actually be so angry at John if during our wedding he had the worst hair of his life.

[A]

It's very floppy, like, well.

[B]

And he did nothing with it.

[A]

No, no, dry. It's just nothing. No slick.

[B]

Nothing happening.

[A]

No, he might not have even washed it.

[B]

I don't think he did.

[A]

That might have been on Robert Pattinson though. Because he did admit that he went six months without washing his hair once you die apart. He also has admitted in interviews that he had a strange body odor that smelled similar to crayon wax, which I

[B]

don't know if I know what that smells like. But then wasn't it like wet crayons?

[A]

I think I might have been wrong about that. Ok. Just crayon wax.

[B]

They were dry.

[A]

But then Kristen Stewart said, I think he's overplaying that. Like, no, he smells. He smells fine. He smells really animalistic. He's got like an animalistic musk. And I said, my dog pretty much never smells good. So I'm not sure. I don't know if that's like a defense or not.

[B]

I don't know if I've ever thought of John having an animalistic musk.

[A]

But it is rumored that people on set like the crew was like, like, why are you so stanky, Rob?

[B]

Why you so stanky? I love that he's just like, oh,

[A]

maybe it was a. Cuz him and Kristen were in that like, like early 2000s indie grunge era.

[B]

Like a little grungy. Yeah.

[A]

So maybe he really hadn't done it.

[B]

Maybe that was it. Cuz it didn't seem like it. And just her being like. And like could have been me. Didn't notice me. I was like, who does that at a wedding? Like, that's not. I know. Once again, as Stephanie Meer would say, it's fantasy. You believe. I'm like, but this is supposed to be the real part of it. I know.

[A]

They actually did get married.

[B]

Like, I'm like you. Nobody would do that.

[A]

No. Like, no.

[B]

You can make her have a weird speech without being. That was just so off the weird

[A]

speeches all the time.

[B]

But no one would say that.

[A]

She wasn't even president of the glee club or the school council.

[B]

Like, like, basically like you could have had me like, no one's doing that. I don't know. I was like, damn. And then Renee singing with her batshit crazy hair to sleep when you wake up. And Bella loves it.

[A]

She's like, that's my mom.

[B]

She's just sitting there like, that's my mom. And I'm like, damn. That's.

[A]

You know why she likes it? Cuz she only sees Renee a few times a year. She's like, wow, there's another story to tuck in my back pocket.

[B]

So see you in six years, mom.

[A]

Glad I don't have to do your books anymore. You crazy, crazy.

[B]

Go back to your green screen beach. Where's Jacksonville, maybe.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

But yeah, that was.

[A]

Was.

[B]

That was gnarly.

[A]

Oh my God. And then what's his name? Edward is like, I have another gift for you. It's here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, oh, my God.

[B]

Yay.

[A]

Like, gift Edward gives Bella Jacob as a wedding gift. And that just feels weird to me. That just feels weird to me. He even lets him have a moment alone.

[B]

Oh, a very inappropriate moment alone as far as I'm concerned.

[A]

There are canoodling in the moss, as

[B]

you said, much canoodling. What did you say when we were watching? I said, why are you dancing with another man in the moss at your wedding? And I stand by that question.

[A]

She, like, leaves the wedding. Yeah.

[B]

She stands in the moss in the

[A]

forest as he like, dances her and twirls her.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And she, like, has her head on his shoulder. She. They're canoodling.

[A]

They are canoodling in the woods on her very wedding day.

[B]

It's like the way. The fact that Edward's just like. And he's so happy. He's like, I know you this man. I know you love this werewolf so much.

[A]

He's kind of a cuff.

[B]

God, he is a little bit, you know. Do you want a chair to sit down in? Like,

[A]

would you like to sit amongst.

[B]

Can I give you anything?

[A]

Ottoman for the fellow?

[B]

I'm like, truly.

[A]

Would you like to put your feet up?

[B]

What the fuck is going on here?

[A]

The wedding party's like, hello.

[B]

They're like, what's going on?

[A]

This wedding's getting weird.

[B]

We're gonna leave. Like, in the last few movies and books. Jacob has been so disrespectful of their relationship. Bella has been so disrespectful of their. He has outwardly admitted that he would kill Edward if he could just to snake his gal.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

He says, and he's like, you're not good enough for her. I'm obsessed with her. I want to her. I want to marry her. We're supposed to be together. Like, he said this several times. I'm hotter than you, he said. And now you're just presenting him as a gift at your wedding.

[A]

It's really weird.

[B]

On what planet, Stephanie?

[A]

Cuck planet.

[B]

Like, on what? And in the book. Jacob is so unlikable in this.

[A]

In the book that he proposes being

[B]

a throuple at one point. He does. I don't know if it's in the first part or, like, doesn't propose it. It's implied.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think Edward is the one that kind of implies it.

[A]

Did we just unlock a theme in this?

[B]

I'm not positive. I need to look it up now. Which one? Oh, it's. Yeah, it was at the end of Eclipse. He tells her he's willing to accept whatever relationship she feels she needs to have with Jake. Jacob. Oh.

[A]

So he's kind of being like.

[B]

So it's him kind of for Jacob. Like that. If you feel like you want to be with him as well as, like, I will understand. Which is essentially him suggesting or not suggesting, but being open to the idea of, like, whatever you want.

[A]

Yeah. Like an arrangement.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Those happen.

[B]

Which I don't think he wants that. Which is even sadder. He's just like, I just love you so much that I'll accept you.

[A]

I'll give you a call.

[B]

And it's like, Belle, gosh. Wow. But, yeah, it's. And in the book Jacob, especially Breaking dawn, he's so unlikable. His chapters are borderline unreadable for me.

[A]

They're also insanely named.

[B]

They are. And I have a couple of them. But in the book, in this part is when, like, they start talking about the honeymoon, and he's like, you know, like, basically saying, you can't have a real honeymoon because you can't. And she's like, well, it's gonna be real as anyone else's. Basically like, we will be boning. And she's a weird combo to have

[A]

with your guy book.

[B]

He gets so. He gets mad in the movie. He gets so mad in the book that he grabs her, like, grabs her shoulders hard enough that she's in pain. Oh, my God. And she literally is like, ow, that hurts in the book. Like, yelling, it hurts. And Edward has to come over and, like, literally be like, I'm going to kill you if you don't let her go. And, like, Seth has to be like, let her go. You're hurting her.

[A]

It's her wedding.

[B]

Like, he literally is abusing, abusing her because he's mad that she's gonna Edward her husband on her honeymoon.

[A]

Okay, make that make sense.

[B]

Like, I need to know what happened here. Like, where no one along the line said, this is weird. I guess not. Or did they? And you just said, don't worry about it.

[A]

You have to think that by this point, like, when Breaking dawn was. Was out, it was well established that this is ya. Like, yeah, that's really up.

[B]

Yeah, it's a nasty relationship. Like, for him to grab her like that because he's mad she's going to have sex with her husband. And I realize that's not it. Like, that's not the end of it. It's like that he's mad because he's like, you're gonna die.

[A]

Like, he.

[B]

He'll kill you. A part of it. But that does not justify hurting her. No.

[A]

And a part of it is, he's mad that she's got to have sex.

[B]

He's jealous, and he's upset that that could happen to her. But it's like, that does not justify grabbing her like that.

[A]

No, nothing does.

[B]

Like, what the fuck? It's wild.

[A]

Edward's not telling Bella where they're going on their honeymoon.

[B]

Thank you, my fan.

[A]

And, like, her family is aware of this. Like, fucking Renee's. Like, oh, my God. Where do you think you're going?

[B]

So fun that he's taking her somewhere where he's told no one. Where the fuck are you going?

[A]

Yeah, my family would say, hey, you're not going.

[B]

Yeah, until we have your itinerary, you're not going.

[A]

That's an episode of Dateline. I'm like, that's an episode of Dateline.

[B]

Like, I could never. No, I could never. No.

[A]

My family would say, I think not.

[B]

Yeah. Like, we just don't know where you're going. That's insane. Oh, I thought that was thunder. I was like, what?

[A]

Sorry. I got so excited. The trash bins were rolling. And I said, is it thunder? Talking about Twilight. And in a thunderstorm would be just Chef's Kiss.

[B]

But it was just trash. But it was just. I mean, well, it was just garbage.

[A]

Well, that's also fitting.

[B]

Also, this whole thing, like, this whole scene, I'm like, wow. Because from what I've seen on the website, like, Stephanie's website, she actually says, before this even gets, like, moved into movie form, she said, this should be two movies. She was the one who said that.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Because she Said she. It is a long book, It's a big book. But she. But, like, to be fair, not a lot happens in part one, as far as I'm concerned.

[A]

Not a lot of, like, had the movie. I mean, part one of the movie is like nothing.

[B]

Yeah, but do you know if the Harry Potter series, had that book been

[A]

split into two movies yet?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Let me look. Because I wonder if that was part of the reasoning.

[B]

Well, I think she just. I mean, if you're gonna split it in two movies, you're getting more money out of it. That's. I think it's just all based.

[A]

You think it's.

[B]

That.

[A]

To me, that she references the Harry Potter books on her website. So that's the only reason that I wondered.

[B]

Yeah, because. Because turning that into two movies, like this part in particular. We watch them get in the car, we watch them get to the airport, we watch them get in a taxi, we watch them randomly walk through the streets of Brazil for a minute. We watch them get in a boat, we watch them arrive at the island, we watch them walk in the door. By the time you get there, you're like, I didn't need to see all your traveling. No, I did not. Halfway through that, I was like, can we just get there? Yeah, I don't need to see the traveling.

[A]

Yeah, no, I, I fully.

[B]

But they had to because they had time to eat up.

[A]

That's the thing.

[B]

And there's not a whole lot of other stuff.

[A]

There's like. Until you get to. Well, because like, Renesmee has to be born and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Voltaire has to get upset and then

[B]

you have to end it there. And that's like.

[A]

Like where it splits. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So it's like that. I don't think it needed to be.

[A]

I don't think so either.

[B]

It could have just been a long movie. It could have been big.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Because I think the honeymoon is. It's a long.

[A]

It's half of the movie. We watch them playing chess for more of the movie than we don't.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

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[B]

I'm Livy

[C]

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[B]

Now, just to go back the way that. Like, another thing because, like, we're gonna get into now, like the honeymoon, you know, honeymoon. A baby and all that. Immortal children. The way Stephanie explains them in the Illustrated Guide and has Carlisle explain them in the book is that immortal children are like outlawed because they can't keep the secret.

[A]

Like, the vampires are just like kids.

[B]

They stay as kids. So they just don't have the ability to keep secrets. And like that. That they were so beautiful and enchanting and endearing that, like whole covens would like just, you know, they would do anything to protect them. So the Volturi was like, this is a problem because we're having to eliminate entire covens just to get rid of these immortal children. Because they'll just protect them. And it's like. But the way they explain it is like, not because, like, they felt this need to protect these children.

[A]

Because they're babies.

[B]

Because they're children. And, like, they need to be protected. Yeah. It was that they were so beautiful. That's weird. And I'm like, why do we have to. And I say this because there's a lot of weird shit that.

[A]

That ends up with kids that ends

[B]

up with kids in this. That I'm like, I don't understand why this had to be part of it. I just don't.

[A]

It's icky.

[B]

Like, it just doesn't make sense. Like, do we. Can we not.

[A]

Well, like even going back to. And we'll touch on it in this. In this part too. But even last time when we were talking about. Is it Quill who imprints on a year old.

[B]

Yeah. A two year old. Yeah.

[A]

Like that get further in this. Weird. Icky.

[B]

And it gets weirder in this one. Well.

[A]

And she's not the only infant who's been imprinted on now.

[B]

No. Which we will get to. We'll get to now. And also another thing that I noted here, and it came out of like the wedding reception, really. And this is from the book, is the way she has. Bella hate beautiful women.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, hate.

[A]

Is it. When she sees Irina, she's immediately horrified

[B]

by the presence of the Denali Covenant. And in turn, the. The Denali coven are kind of assholes.

[A]

Like. Well, because they're like, they feel judged.

[B]

Well. And she makes them like. Well, they're beautiful. So they obviously, they're mean. Like, they have to be nasty. Like, when they laugh. Like, Edward introduces her in the book as his wife, and they're like.

[A]

And it's like, she is his wife.

[B]

You were at. You're at the wedding. Like, it's just. Like, that doesn't make sense. Like, can we have some girls supporting girls moments? Moments, please, in this? Because there's none.

[A]

No, there really isn't.

[B]

Because even when she tries to do it with, like, the Rosalie and Belly

[A]

Bella thing, I'm like, no, she has an ulterior motive.

[B]

Rosalie is using you as a vessel. It's not girls supporting girls.

[A]

And even Alice. Alice is just manipulative with Bella. Like, they don't have a very pure relationship.

[B]

She just controls her. Huh. And it makes me crazy. There's a lot of internalized misogyny that's happening here that is coming out in these things and, like, pitting. Noticing more and more. Like, in the book, when the Denali clan meets Bella and they, like, say, hello, Tanya is part of the Denali

[A]

clan, I feel like Tanya's not a vampire name.

[B]

I know, but Tanya was mentioned before as somebody that, like, I think they wanted to set Edward and Tanya up. And Tanya had, like, a big crush on Edward. Oh.

[A]

I thought it was Irina, but Edward,

[B]

no, because Irina's with Laurent. So Tanya, like, really was into Edward, but he was, like, not. Not super into her, I guess, like, that he was kind of into her, but, like, not like, he's into Bella. Yeah. And so she knows this and, like, which, like, whatever is.

[A]

This is what you're saying.

[B]

So she knows that, like. But she knows that, like, nothing happened and that he's not interested, and that's it.

[A]

And also, like, they're getting married.

[B]

And also, like, you're at your wedding, so, like, I think.

[A]

I think you won.

[B]

Yeah. I think you got it.

[A]

I think you got this slot.

[B]

But the way in the book, it's like, Tanya gives, like, they give each other a hug, Edward and Tanya. And then it's like Tanya was still holding Edward, like, held onto him longer. And then she says about all of them. All the four of them, and they were all four so beautiful that it made my stomach hurt.

[A]

The hell.

[B]

Like, can you just.

[A]

She's, like, intimidated.

[B]

Can you just be like, wow, they're beautiful. Yeah, I'm married. Like, it's just like. Well, it has not.

[A]

Like, their beauty has nothing to do with you.

[B]

Yeah. And it says. And that's when he says, let me introduce you to my wife. And it says the Denali's all laughed lightly in response once. And then she says, she says Tanya was every bit as lovely as my worst nightmares had predicted.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

She eyed me with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned, and then reached out to take my hand. But immediately, just be cool. Like, she's more beautiful than like my worst nightmares. It's like, damn, yeah. Can we just. Like. And she's kind of being a.

[A]

Like, why does it need to go like that? Yeah, like, why?

[B]

Why? And it's like I realize she's young, she's 18. Yeah. So you have those, like.

[A]

I think we've. Many women have found themselves in similar

[B]

positions, but I'm just like. But I feel like she's so. She's never just like in awe of these women or just like, wow, what a. Like, you know, I mean, like just looking at them, like, wow, what a beautiful creature.

[A]

She's always threatened.

[B]

It's always threatened. It's always competition. And it's like, it doesn't need to be that way, babe. And you just want to shake her and be like, it, girl.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

You got him. Yeah, it's okay.

[A]

He's literally sickeningly obsessed with you.

[B]

So like, don't worry.

[A]

To a crazy level, don't worry about it. Which I don't buy.

[B]

It's.

[A]

They have no chemistry. She gets pregnant and I'm not even convinced they ever.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like, I. They don't have chemistry together. They just don't.

[B]

Which is wild.

[A]

I'm like, did you guys screen test them?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Because they're both pretty good actors. Like, Robert Pattinson has gone on to be in a lot of like, really great movies. And Kristen Stewart, like, when she was Joan Jett, I thought she was so good together. I'm like, and. And it's wild cuz they dated.

[B]

I. Well, that's the other thing. They were together for a while, but I'm like, was that.

[A]

Maybe that was just press.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

We don't. Nothing's real.

[B]

I mean, I don't know, you know what? He knows.

[A]

But they have. They have no chemistry together on screen.

[B]

And never is it more apparent than when they finally get to Isme and they are about to. You know, he's like, naked in the water. Yeah. And she's like, just give me a second to get ready. And then she acts like she's preparing to get sacrificed 100%. Which, like, may.

[A]

Maybe she is. I've never Seen anyone brush their teeth so vigorously and rip at their hair? Oh my God. From the root.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As a hairdresser.

[B]

No.

[A]

Start at the bottom. And then also the way she shaves her legs. I said, just rip them up there. You are gonna have razorbird and cuts.

[B]

And then I didn't understand that Alice packed for her. Which like, what? That's your brother. And then Alice just put a bunch of skimpy like teddies and lingerie in there.

[A]

Okay, here's the thing. It's weird that Alice packed that bag. Like I. I'm not moving on from that.

[B]

I was like, please do not tell me that's not weird.

[A]

That shit is weird. But Bella is so horrified by what was packed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That she's acting like it's like nipple pasties.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, this is your honeymoon. Wear a cute teddy.

[B]

You can look cute.

[A]

Get down with your bad self.

[B]

It's cute. And she ends up going out there naked. So I was like, well, why were you so scandalized by the fabric? You went out there naked. Cologne, which like good for you. You.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Like, you should if you feel so inclined. But. But we crumples to the ground at one point and it is like she's about to go out to meet a firing squad.

[A]

She. I think she's just so embarrassed about like her body and like so young her. Yeah.

[B]

Like, this is why you weren't ready to get married. Babe.

[A]

If you're crumbling onto the ground at the thought of your brand new husband, you're probably not ready for marriage.

[B]

Probably. And also if you just waited did until after you became a vampire, you would feel confident as.

[A]

I know.

[B]

So like, why don't you just wait?

[A]

I know.

[B]

Wait until you feel like a good ass.

[A]

But I do get what she's saying about not wanting to be like writhing in pain on her honeymoon.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's a bummer.

[A]

Yeah. They should have figured.

[B]

They should have played along.

[A]

Does it? I think it's a few days. I don't really know.

[B]

It didn't seem like it at the Cullens house. I think it is. It's days. I think, I think it was just hours. Is that all it is? Three to five days? Yeah. But also they were there for like 14 days.

[A]

They were there for a while.

[B]

So I was like, okay, so part of the first week is going to be you writhing in pain. Then you wake up looking like a snack with a full smokey eye and new highlights and bouncy hair.

[A]

Me personally, you best change me before my Wedding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You best change me before my wedding.

[B]

You know how many mothers you do

[A]

appointments I had before my wedding to be the hottest version of myself? And you.

[B]

You could just have permanent smokey eye.

[A]

I woke up like this. Yeah. Like, literally.

[B]

And permanent lashes.

[A]

You plan that wedding for a dreary day so you're not sparkling and freaking everybody out.

[B]

Exactly. Which they didn't need to anyway, because they had the COVID of all those gorgeous flowers.

[A]

One thing I have to say is that their wedding was stunning.

[B]

Oh, stunning.

[A]

Stunning.

[B]

Stunning.

[A]

But, yeah, I would like to be changed before that.

[B]

Yeah. But they do end up doing it, and it's very chaste. She gets.

[A]

She gets bruised from missionary.

[B]

She does get bruised.

[A]

She gets bruised from simple missionary.

[B]

I said, what? Cuz. And also you see it the next day. And I'm like, how did the closet

[A]

door and a wall get damaged in the bed?

[B]

The bed is broke.

[A]

I'm like, you guys were doing missionary bit pillows. Like, show me the softest sex I've ever seen. Show me where he broke the closet door. Show me. Show me. To me, Rachel. Show me. To me, Rachel. How that room was rabid.

[B]

Show me that. Because from what we saw, the. The lightest.

[A]

I said, that's soft. So gorgeous. Beautiful.

[B]

It was beautiful.

[A]

Candlelit, even.

[B]

But it was not moonlit. Not breaking a bed. I was like, where? Sir? What?

[A]

Qua.

[B]

Sir? Huh? What? I was just a little confused. And then when the housekeepers come, rude.

[A]

So Elena goes, they're not carpenters.

[B]

They're not. Because one of them, the man, is just walking out with part of the bed frame in his hands. They didn't even bother to pick that place up. And then later, you see Edward flying around the room to pack and warp speed. I was like, you could have cleaned that room for them. I'm sorry. To leave that room that big of a mess and then just be like, figure it out.

[A]

And also to sit on shitty. To sit on the couch while they clean. Yeah.

[B]

That's so touching your underwear.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Pants.

[A]

You do. And while they clean the room that

[B]

you demolished and didn't bother to even pick up the feathers. Yeah.

[A]

While doing missionary like crazy.

[B]

That felt yucky to me.

[A]

It did. One thing that we also didn't even really talk about when, like, between you and I, when we were watching this. That's his mom's house.

[B]

Yeah. I don't want.

[A]

I don't want to there.

[B]

That's.

[A]

If I was Bella, I'd say it's not the first place I. That comes to Mind when I think of you for the first time. This home was built for your vampire mother.

[B]

This home.

[A]

We shouldn't do that. We should not do missionary. In the home built and named for

[B]

your mother in the. In the book, they destroy many rooms.

[A]

Yeah, there's many rooms.

[B]

There's like a blue room, a white room.

[A]

And they destroy all.

[B]

Yeah, they just wreck them all.

[A]

And then they came in, like, a wreck.

[B]

Hopefully Esme will let us come back. I'm like, probably not.

[A]

You are disgusting.

[B]

You pieces of.

[A]

And also, Bella just comes back pregnant as. And imagine how embarrassing that would be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Be like, oh, like we did. Hi, guys. And I think we might have made a mistake.

[B]

It might have been a problem.

[A]

We did an oopsie.

[B]

Like, oops.

[A]

I just can't believe I watched this at, like, 13 years old. And I was like, oh, love. I watch it now. I'm like, oh, my God. Maybe that actually explains some of my decision making in my life. Youth.

[B]

True.

[A]

In my younger days.

[B]

I mean, you never know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, why isn't he sparkling on this honeymoon?

[A]

That's a really good question.

[B]

He is in this, you know. Do you know why?

[A]

Because I don't think they had it

[B]

in the budget, I don't think. Apparently.

[A]

That was, like, incredibly expensive.

[B]

Really. To make him sparkle. Yeah. And one part that really got me was when he's trying to avoid her because, like, he. And they're in the Amazon rainforest, I assume.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And he sprints ahead of her, like, way ahead of her, and she's just, like, left behind. And I was like, why are you leaving your new bride, your new human bride alone in the Amazon rainforest? You've already left her in the Pacific Northwest rainforest.

[A]

I was gonna say it's kind of his thing.

[B]

Why do you just leave her in forest? I would never. I'd be so mad at John. The rainforest. Do you know what kind of of scary.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Boops and Beeps are living in the rainforest.

[A]

It's criminal to even call them Boops and Beeps.

[B]

Human. Immortal. Yeah. One little and I'm gone.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like, you're stone. At least you can get through this. But you just leave me because you don't. You don't want to be tempted to me in the rainforest.

[A]

Wow, what a sentence.

[B]

That's like, essentially what's happening.

[A]

You don't want to be tempted to me in the rain. To missionary in the rainforest in the rain. That's crazy.

[B]

It was wild.

[A]

He also. Debbie pointed this out. When they're in the waterfall he takes a deep breath before he goes under the water. I was like, but you're dead.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, you don't breathe. Like, hello.

[B]

What does it mean?

[A]

Also, what does it mean? What was the dolphin thing that you said when they were in the.

[B]

Oh, my God. When they first met in the water. Just like living their lives and looking at the moon and kissing.

[A]

That is beautiful.

[B]

So beautiful. But I said, there's pink dolphins, river dolphins in that water. Look that up. You ever seen a pink river dolphin?

[A]

I don't think they give a about humans.

[B]

I'd like you to go look at them.

[A]

Look them up.

[B]

Because if anything's going to ruin the mood, it's a pink river dolphin.

[A]

If that thing opens its mouth near you, you'd never missionary again.

[B]

And I said, you two are very unsuspecting right now. And you're very exposed. Yeah. And I'm sure there's other things in that water that could.

[A]

Let's Google what's in the Brazilian water.

[B]

And if you're naked, you should be a little aware of what's going on.

[A]

Let's see. Jaguars. Jaguars are in the water. It says Brazilian. That's. That's why I said that. It also says legendary fish. Legendary fish.

[B]

I don't want legendary fish swimming all

[A]

up on my butt. Not on your butt. Pink water dolphins are so scary. There's also another one that's called the Taku.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

And it's related to the dolphin. The pink river dolphins.

[B]

I'm scared.

[A]

The largest predator in the Amazon, reaching up to 20ft in length, is there. The black cayman.

[B]

Ew. I've never seen that.

[A]

The world's largest snake is in that water. The green anaconda. Wash your butt up. Piranhas are in there.

[B]

And also if that mother. Oh, no. That man is sparkling. Oh, girl.

[A]

There's electric eels.

[B]

That man is sparkling. Don't.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Love sparkly things.

[A]

The worst shark. The worst shark in my opinion, from. What is it?

[B]

Cookie cutter shark.

[A]

Oh, I don't know about that. I thought the worst shark was the bull shark.

[B]

That's really bad too. What's the one shark is just really scary.

[A]

Are you saying cookie cutter shark? Am.

[B]

Why? You know who told me about this? My child.

[A]

Tell me about the cookie cutter sh.

[B]

I'm going to show you this thing.

[A]

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

[B]

Who knew? I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah. They're frequently spotted prowling the riverbanks. What the Is that what the actual motherfucker.

[B]

Cookie cutter shark. I think they're Little. So I think. Or maybe. Oh, my God.

[A]

Do you know, it's actually really exciting. There's capybaras.

[B]

Oh, that's fun.

[A]

And Amazon manatees.

[B]

Oh, that's pretty cool.

[A]

Luckily, those are herbivores. But, yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit in that water. And you should put your butt away.

[B]

You should.

[A]

You should keep your butt out of that water. Just looking up at the moon. Honey, you just got stung by an electric eel. Bitten by a fucking piranha. And a green anaconda shark. And a jaguar is actually actively hunting you while we record this podcast. Truly fucked. Truly.

[B]

It's happening right now.

[A]

And you know what? It would be fine for Edward because he could just dip it. Dip, dip. Bella. Dead, dead, dead.

[B]

But also Edward's sparkling. So he's attracting piranhas.

[A]

No, there's no budget for that.

[B]

But he should be. He should be. But yeah, put your butt away.

[A]

That's another. That's another time Stephanie said, vampires aren't real.

[B]

She said you believed in them.

[A]

You really think they sparkle all the time?

[B]

She said, girl, that's so cute that you believe in vampires. And I said, but you do. You wrote about it, Stephanie. Now it comes to do it. That he's like, I'm not gonna do that again until.

[A]

Yeah, we're not ever.

[B]

Like, we're not doing that. Like, not until you're turned. And she's like, that sucks. So they play so much chess.

[A]

Which also, if I'd rather go through venom spreading through my body rapidly than playing chess on my home over and over again. Yeah, no.

[B]

Yeah. So they play chess and then she has a dream that they. That they do it again and she wakes up and she literally. I don't want to cry. And begs him. I don't want to talk about sex with her. I died inside during the scene. It is upsetting if you have to

[A]

beg your genuinely and cry and beg him to have sex with you. That should not be your husband. That should so be your husband. You should immediately. You should revoke the paperwork because technically likely it's not even legal yet.

[B]

No.

[A]

And you should say, baby, where the hell is my.

[B]

I have to beg him to follow me.

[A]

Get rid of him.

[B]

Get rid of him. You gotta go. You gotta go. My dude.

[A]

That's so upsetting. Yeah.

[B]

And this is when we get our pregnancy.

[A]

Pregnancy.

[B]

This is one of those two times she got pregnant.

[A]

Wait, before we get there. There's also a scene, like in the middle of all this where Jacob is on the beach.

[B]

Oh, and we have to talk about this. I do have have that. Okay. So. Yeah, so he's on the. Again, Jacob's part of the book is wild and the chapter names of his are really wild. Like there's like the preface of his thing of his part of this because they're all split into chapters and like point of views and books and all that. His is called life. Life sucks and then you die. Yeah. I should be so lucky.

[A]

Oh, my God. My mom used to say that to me all the time. Life sucks and then you die.

[B]

Horrific. I know. And so angsty.

[A]

It is so angsty. She was team Jacob, I guess it.

[B]

She is team Jacob, I think. And let me find the. The chapter. It's literally a chapter that's called like, what am I? The wizard of Oz? You want to take a heart. You want to take a look.

[A]

Like it's like, it's the longest chapter name in the world.

[B]

What do I look. This is a chapter. Chapter 17 is entitled what do I look like? The wizard of Oz. You need a brain. You need a heart. Go ahead, take mine. Take everything out. Have. Wow. That's the name of the chapter.

[A]

Was this edited?

[B]

I don't know. Stand up. Who? Who did it?

[A]

Hello?

[B]

Who did it?

[A]

I guess you don't have to take all of the editor's recommendations.

[B]

No, you don't. You don't. But the more books I write, the more I should be collaborative. That editors are very smart people. Yeah. And they do know what they're talking about.

[A]

That's why they have that job.

[B]

They do know what they're talking about. And it should be this far into a series. I feel like by book two, book one, I was probably a little like, this is my book. I'm not taking your suggestions. Like, not enough. Yeah. Book two, I was like, okay, you're right. You're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Book three, I literally was like said, you know so much better than me. Like, I was literally like, take final because take my hands. Let's do this together.

[A]

Let's jet set.

[B]

I said, you just know, like, you really like editors out there. Cuz you know what? You, you know, you know, and we need you, period. So that we need you. But yeah, this. I do question this one because I'm like, what's going on here?

[A]

Yeah.

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at a retailer near you. So we're in la. The. We're in La Push.

[A]

I love saying La Push.

[B]

We're in La Push. And they're talking about like, you know, Jacob's, you know, wondering what's going on, wondering if she's gonna. He's convinced that Bella's gonna die.

[A]

And he's basically saying the treaty will be null and void. And I can't wait to kill Edward

[B]

once it is pretty much. And he's talking to Leah and I think he's talking. Is Seth there?

[A]

Yeah, I think it's Leah and Seth.

[B]

Yeah. And he, they're talking about how, you know, know they start talking about like imprinting essentially. Cuz they look over and on the other side of the beach are all the other pack members who have imprinted couples. They're all k. Kissing, cuddling, giggling with each other. Noodling And Jacob's like, oh my God, their lives don't even belong to them anymore. And as he's looking at them canoodling couples, it then switches over and he's looking at Quill and the two year old Claire he imprinted on, on right after. He's talking about these canoodling couples whose lives are they and how lucky they are or Leah saying how lucky they are. And then it's like it's so dark, you're. And you look at this little 2 year old and this at least 17 year old, this boy who has no right, just squatting by her next to the water.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And I said, this is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

[A]

It's almost. Isn't it more disturbing in the book you read some of it out loud. Oh yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh yeah, it is.

[A]

You gotta post it.

[B]

Let me find, find where I have this. So. Because at one point, so remember the way that imprinting is talked about in the Illustrated guide is that it is

[A]

not true love and it's not love at first sight.

[B]

It's not or it's not. I shouldn't say it's not true love. It's not love at first sight. And it doesn't have to be romantic necessarily.

[A]

It could be brotherly.

[B]

It can be brotherly. And it's very much. And that's the way that everybody tries to defend it, that it, it doesn't have to be like that.

[A]

But you know what's crazy?

[B]

Yeah. You know it's crazy. So there's a part in this book, in Jacob's part where he's talking about how his sister Rachel, one of the pack members, Paul, imprinted on her and how he's like annoyed by that. And he says, wasn't it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had imprinted? Because really, really, that made four of 10. Now when would it stop? Stupid myth was supposed to be rare, for crying out loud. All this mandatory love at first sight was completely sickening.

[A]

Look at that. You canceled out your own thoughts.

[B]

What is what like what you said, it's not love.

[A]

And actually I think in eclipse, Jacob, or maybe even a new moon, Jacob literally says the words to Bella, it's not love at first sight. Yeah. And then in his point of view in Breaking dawn, he says all this love at first sight.

[B]

Yep, yep. Make that make sense. And then like the very next paragraph it says, so I'd been all geared up to be keeping that secret. And then two days after Rachel got home, Paul Ran into her on the beach. Bada bing, bada boom. True love. I thought it wasn't true. That's the second time in two paragraphs that it has stated that this is true love, my friends. And then, then we get to another part, just speaking of imprinting, speaking of Quill and Claire, where we get an entire scene of Claire talking like a 2 year old. Like, being like, I have a walk and like, meaning a rock. And it's queen and blah blah, blah. Like, and she called and she's like, quill, do this and blah, blah, blah.

[A]

I have a question. Where's Chris Hansen?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Where is Chris Hansen?

[B]

Get him on the scene, because it's about Chris Hansen.

[A]

Tula, push.

[B]

It's about to.

[A]

You know what's actually crazy? Robert Pattinson, somebody sent me a dm. Is about to play Chris Hansen in a movie.

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

I'm serious.

[B]

That's wild. Isn't that wild? That's wild. And so he's talking about Quill. We go through the whole scene of seeing Claire being a two year old and he's saying that Quill would play peekaboo with her for an hour. Like he never got bored of hanging out with her.

[A]

Blah, blah, blah.

[B]

Which also is weird.

[A]

It is weird.

[B]

It's weird. Ben, we're not making this anymore.

[A]

Where's Claire's mom?

[B]

I'm. I'm saying. And then it's. And then Jacob says. And I couldn't even make fun of him for it. I envied him too much, though. I did think, are you ready for it? I did think it sucked that he had a good 14 years of monkitude ahead of him until Claire was his age.

[A]

Also, that would only make her 16.

[B]

And also, I thought you said that it didn't have to be romantic. Now you're telling me he's weight gain. Wait, he's gonna wait it out and watch this little girl go from in her pants to 16 years old when he can finally date her? Yeah. We're really gonna do that?

[A]

We did that. They did that.

[B]

And then she did that. She says, for Quill. He says, for Quill, at least it was a good thing werewolves didn't get older. What?

[A]

I don't remember that being part of the lore.

[B]

I thought that they were. I thought they just like slowly got older. Older.

[A]

Yeah. I don't remember all that part of

[B]

the lore, but I thought it was

[A]

just the vampires that didn't age.

[B]

Yeah. All right. So it says they age normally until they reach physical maturity around age 25.

[A]

So not so.

[B]

I'm sorry, Wait a minute. He's gonna reach age 25 and she's gonna be 16, and then also, like, there's gonna be that age gap.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What? And then he.

[A]

He just. It's the same thing as he stops and then she'll continue to age.

[B]

That's the thing. So then they don't age as long as they continue to phase. So if they stop phasing, they'll start aging again. Okay. But yeah, 25 is where they get permanently frozen, which also. But.

[A]

But they die.

[B]

And if he's.

[A]

They're not immortal.

[B]

Who knows how old he is? I think he.

[A]

I mean, he's probably like 16, 17. Like Jacob's age.

[B]

Right. So it's like.

[A]

Or like, who knows? Because Sam's kind of older, so he's

[B]

gonna hit 25 before she hits 16.

[A]

Yes. Because she's only 2.

[B]

2. Yeah. So it's like that.

[A]

Don't think too hard on that.

[B]

I'm thinking way too hard on it. It's real upsetting because even in this same thing, when he's like, yeah, you know, he's got and a good 14 years of monkey. And I was like, oh, this is gross. So gross. Like, he's not gonna. Any girls his own age can't. Because there's this two year old that he's waiting for that's so up.

[A]

Yeah. That's a weird.

[B]

Like, I can't get over this. And he even says to him, quill, you ever think about dating? And he's like, huh? And Claire is like, no, ew.

[A]

Claire doesn't know what the. That means. Claire's too.

[B]

And then he says, you know, a real girl. I mean, just for now, right? On your nights off, babysitting duty.

[A]

Oh, my God. Who's interesting Quill. To babysit this child that he's in love with.

[B]

Up with. Yeah.

[A]

And then this is too gross. This is actually like making me nauseous.

[B]

Oh, well. And then he says, Jacob says, I bet she'd understand. You know, when she's grown up, she wouldn't get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers.

[A]

She might get mad that you imprinted on her when she was two years old.

[B]

She might get mad. She wouldn't get mad. That you had a life while she was in diapers is the weirdest thing

[A]

I've ever heard in my life.

[B]

So when she's 16, she'll be like, well, I was my diaper then. So I understand why you didn't Date me. Me. I don't need to. Does anybody. I'm like, are you what?

[A]

How do you write that as a woman too?

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Like, I got. I have to go. I'm actually late for. I'm late for something just to make it even worse. You got. You have to.

[B]

Jacob's like, but you won't do that, will you? Like you're not going to date anyone else. And Quill says, now remember, we have been primed and told it's not that it's not romantic love. Every time that they are be. Will be what they need to be. Like if they're a brother, a protector or whatever. This to me sounds like it's romantic love because he's not willing to date anyone else. He says, I can't see it. I can't imagine. I just don't see anyone that way. I don't notice girls anymore. You know, I don't see their faces

[A]

because I'm only strong because I'm only

[B]

into this two year old.

[A]

The two year old old.

[B]

Like, I'm sorry, there's no other way to take that. There's no other way.

[A]

And here's like she could have written this in a way where he became Claire's protector.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like had a girlfriend at the same time but like had that kind of relationship with her. Like a big brother. And you know, like there could have been a scene where Claire or Claire was playing by the water and he protected her from drowning or something. Like make it normal.

[B]

That's the thing. It's like if you had made it, like, yeah, they just because you said imprinting.

[A]

But make it. If you're, if you're saying that it can have a brotherly piece to it. Show us that piece. Don't show us a weird guy waiting until he can this girl. But she's two right now.

[B]

Because if that conversation had happened and Quill had said, well, yeah, of course I'm gonna date other girls because I,

[A]

I'm not interested in her that way.

[B]

I just love Claire.

[A]

I just want to protect her at all costs.

[B]

I'm going to be the person that makes sure no one hurts her. Yeah. I would have been like, oh, cool.

[A]

You could even make it that like when Claire gets older she has a boyfriend and like Quill's really protective and making sure he's the right guy.

[B]

Yeah. But like in like in that way that's like not crossing a line. It's like if they had had that discussion, I would have been like, oh, that's a little Less crazy.

[A]

Because the other thing is it takes away the two year old or the woman's autonomy. Oh.

[B]

They have no say in it.

[A]

Like, even.

[B]

What's.

[A]

Is it Emily. Even Emily fucks over her best friend and cousin just because Sam's like, well,

[B]

I imprinted on you and had no say in Anna. And it's like. And you're saying like, he's like, oh, I'm sure Claire will understand when she gets older. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So we're just not even giving Claire a choice.

[A]

What if Claire doesn't want to be with you?

[B]

That she now has to just look at you and go, oh, it's okay that you, you know, waited.

[A]

Yeah, you have to.

[B]

She has to succumb to the fact that I date you because you imprinted on me. That's so up.

[A]

She has no choice.

[B]

Like the whole imprinting thing, again, it's such a weird, like, thing to do that takes away women's autonomy because it's. It's like we're not giving any. I don't see Leah imprinting on anyone.

[A]

No.

[B]

Which is actually fair. We don't take away the men's autonomy. We only take away women.

[A]

If I was Leah, I was reminded of it in this movie when she's sitting on the beach with Jacob and Seth and she's just hanging out and she has to watch her cousin canoodle with the man she used to love. Hilarious. I would physically fight my cousin every single day of her life. I would beat her ass on the daily. Is what I said.

[B]

Said.

[A]

That's what I wrote down right here in these notes.

[B]

She said I would beat her ass on the daily.

[A]

How's your cousin do you that dirty? How does your cousin do you that dir. I am not over it.

[B]

And if I was Leah best friend,

[A]

I'd be in prison. Yeah, I'd be in prison.

[B]

Justice for Leah. Leah can be a pain in the ass in this movie. Oh, my God.

[A]

They had her killer dad bad. She loses her man. She has to. There's one part too where they're. They go, oh, my God. Go ahead.

[B]

I got my post it note.

[A]

Locked and loaded.

[B]

So even in this, Even in the movie, and I think she said. And she says it in the book too, when she breaks away from the pack. Because later when they get home from the honeymoon and they have to keep Bella safe, the pack finds out she's pregnant. And the pack is like, we're gonna kill that baby. Yeah. Like we gotta kill her because this is up. It's a abomination. Yep. And they've broken the treaty, essentially because this baby's gonna kill her. Yep. So obviously Jacob doesn't want to do that. He breaks away from the pack because he is technically the true alpha. He just decided not to be.

[A]

His grandfather was chief.

[B]

Yeah. So he's like, I don't have to bow to you, Sam.

[A]

Off.

[B]

So he leaves and Seth follows because Seth's adorable. Doesn't want to. And he's like, I don't want to hurt the Cullens either. And Leah eventually comes because she was like, I want to get the. Away from my ex boyfriend, friend. And I'm here also.

[A]

Whose thoughts I've had to hear every day.

[B]

And when she says it, and Jacob's like, you don't even like me. And he's like, I don't. She says, I don't have to like you. I just have to follow you. And I said, wow, if that isn't Twilight in a nutshell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A woman saying to a man, that's the. Like you. That's the eye of the duck. The duck.

[A]

Shout out to Adam and Dom, Check out their pond.

[B]

Listen to eye of the duck. It's a really good.

[A]

That is the eye of the duck.

[B]

That is the eye of the duck. Is. I don't have to like you.

[A]

I just have to follow you.

[B]

Like, that's wow right there. And then on top of that, because she starts talking about, I don't want to be the. The sad ex girlfriend having to follow her ex boyfriend around.

[A]

Her story is so sad.

[B]

And she's like. And I don't want to have to think of his thoughts and hear his thoughts and have him hear my thoughts. Well, in the book, they talk about how when you, like, you know, when you.

[A]

When you phase.

[B]

When you phase days, your clothes rip apart, so you're naked.

[A]

Unfortunate.

[B]

And Jacob says nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We'd all thought nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. Leah had average control when it came to her temper. It took her the usual length of time to stop exploding out of her clothes every time she got pissed.

[A]

Not exploding out of her clothes. Imagine every time you got pissed, you exploded out of your clothes. Close.

[B]

I don't know why that line had me rolling yesterday. But then it says, are you ready for Jacob? Team Jacob. We'd all caught a glimpse, and it wasn't like she wasn't worth looking at. It was just that it was so not worth it when she caught you thinking about it later.

[A]

Also just the sentence. It's not that she wasn't worth looking at. And like someone else sat down even more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Worth worth looking at. I want to fight people right now. Forget Emily. I'm gonna fight so much more than that.

[B]

Justice for Leah. Like, what the. Not only you're thinking about it later only does this have to watch her love of her life fall in love and imprint on her cousin and best friend who's just like, I don't know what to tell you.

[A]

I just love him.

[B]

You want to be in our wedding? No. And then has to hear his thoughts about Emily and he gets to hear her thoughts about the whole situation. Not only that, she's got a big splode out of her clothes.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

And then have these little dingus mutts

[A]

over here talking about think about it later. She's not.

[B]

It's not like she's not worth looking at it. But then they have to think nasty ass thoughts about it later. And then she's got to be like. Like, hey, little. That's. So stop thinking about my ass.

[A]

Like, so up.

[B]

What a life. I was like, no wonder you broke away from that pack. I'd be like, I'm a lone goddamn wolf.

[A]

I would walk into the ocean.

[B]

No way I'm being part of a pack.

[A]

I would say, I'm going to La Push. And then I would walk into the ocean of La Push.

[B]

What a life.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Justice for Leah. Even though Leah is kind of a in this.

[A]

But whatever, she's on the right side at least. And honestly, she can be a bit

[B]

witch letter wild and. Oh, it's. I just can't get over it now. Apparently, apparently the whole idea of like human vampire hybrids is a thing. It's in the illustrated guide, of course, because she had to explain.

[A]

Have you guys heard of the illustrated glide?

[B]

Have you?

[A]

Illustrated glide? I just illustrated grind.

[B]

This vampire named Joham.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

He was a vampire who was. I guess he was like a scientist when he was a human. Human. That's just really his name. It is Johan. And he was very curious about things. And so he allowed a female vampire to turn to him just so he could like experiment and see what it was like, what it's like for him, for science.

[A]

I feel like he has really good hair.

[B]

Right. I feel that too. He's not great. But he became obsessed with the idea of vampire human hybrids when he became a vampire. So he tried a ton of times to make one. Okay. He just kept Women who are humans, like human women. And. And he kept either killing them while. Or they would die while trying to have the child. So he was like, oh, this isn't working.

[A]

He's like, God damn.

[B]

But after. According to the illustrated guide, and I quote, after a lot of practice. Oh, a lot of practice. He impregnated a woman named Serena, and she lived and had a daughter. Okay. He apparently conceived a son with another woman who was apparently what is termed a single singer. But she was very. And now a singer is what Bella is. Okay. A singer has blood that, quote, unquote, sings to one vampire.

[A]

What a flex.

[B]

That's why Edward is so helplessly loved, that it's that blood. Her blood is a siren. She sings to him.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Now, apparently, singers don't hit for all vampires. They hit for a particular vampire. Mm. That's not true for Bella, though, because I feel like every vampire that comes in contact with her is like, remember

[A]

James, he missed his life.

[B]

Literally. Like, I just want to taste it. It's like. But that's against the lore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because maybe it just tastes a little better, I guess. I don't know. But. So he conceived a child, a son, with a singer. But in the illustrated guide, she is very adamant that this lady. Her singer abilities, nothing, according to, like, when put up next to Bell Bellas. Okay? She's always like, Bellas, just more than everybody.

[A]

Oh, Maybe she doesn't hate her.

[B]

I think so, too. But so they did. They are a thing. Hybrids reach physical adulthood by seven years. Okay? So in seven years, they will become, like, an adult, but they're still seven. But they're not like, in a seven year old body. Yeah. They become an adult, but they are only on this earth for seven years before they become an adult.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And apparently, they're born with an adult's mental capacity.

[A]

I was gonna say.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then they just stay there. That way they don't move past that.

[A]

All right.

[B]

But yeah, so that's a thing. And so I just wanted to put that out there because there is, like, you know, precedence for it kind of thing. But, yeah, so that's what will happen with Renesmee, is she will set within seven years, she will become a full adult. Okay? So that's all that Jacob has to wait for.

[A]

Oh, that's so great.

[B]

Which is weird. Foreign.

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at a retailer near you. Now, the whole time that, like, Belle is in the Cullen house and Rosalie is just thirsting for that baby, anytime someone's like, you know, this fetus is. Is hurting you, this fetus is going to kill you. She's like, it's a baby. Call it a baby baby. And it's like, no, no, I get it, babe. I get it that it's like a real thing in there. Biologically, medically, it is a fetus until it comes out of her. So, like, you need to tone it down. Like, you need to calm down.

[A]

And actually, she's like, everybody else is a little bit wrong because for the amount of time that Bella is pregnant, it's not a fetus. It's actually an embryo.

[B]

It's an em. Honestly, I don't even think it's an

[A]

embryo, that it's actually ever. Yeah, probably.

[B]

With what? How she's pregnant. How long is it?

[A]

9 weeks? 9 to. 9 to 10? 10.

[B]

9 to 10 weeks. But how long is it that. That she's pregnant?

[A]

Oh, sorry. Three weeks, I think.

[B]

Three weeks, I think.

[A]

Let me make sure.

[B]

So I don't even think she ever. Just because also remember, as soon as she gets pregnant, she feels it kicking.

[A]

Implantation for her is two minutes. Literally, she's pregnant for 28 days.

[B]

Yeah. So. And she feels it kicking the second she's.

[A]

She finds out she's pregnant.

[B]

So that thing is no longer an embryo. That's a full blown fetus. Yeah, but it's a fetus the whole time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like, that's just. And maybe that's just like medically and biologically. It's annoying me that she's like, being such a bitch.

[A]

You are a science queen.

[B]

It just annoyed me also, when she does figure out she's pregnant, she looks at. She, like in the movie, she, like, you know, asks for her, like, makeup bag and she sees the thing of tampons. And that's when she's like, oh, fuck. And in the book, the same kind of thing happens, but she, like, lifts the tampon box up, like, because she's

[A]

kind of like, oh, fuck, I don't need these.

[B]

Edward in the book is like, you're trying to pass off this sickness as PM mess. And I was like, I'm sorry.

[A]

Some people do get really sick.

[B]

Edward Anthony Cullen, man, have you ever had a period? Because I've had cramps so badly that one, I've thrown up and two, almost fainted.

[A]

Yeah. Literally.

[B]

So don't sit here and be like, trying to pass this off.

[A]

Off. I'm like, I've thrown up during my period before.

[B]

Okay. If John ever tried to question my

[A]

period, I'd be like, you ever experience one fight night? Like, get out of here.

[B]

Like, that just annoyed me in the book. No, get out of here.

[A]

But they're not. He's not nice to her.

[B]

No, he's not. Ever. He's not pleased.

[A]

But he's so in love with her. Like, make it make sense.

[B]

Make it make sense.

[A]

So Alice taps into the fact that, like, something has arrived because she can't see Bella anymore.

[B]

Like, envisions, I think, like, the. The fetus likes her.

[A]

It's like a. It's like actually an eclipse sent us.

[B]

So inside it's a literal eclipse.

[A]

But so in the movie, like, Alice Calls and is like, what's going on? And then Carlisle gets on the phone and Bella says, carlisle, I swear something just moved inside of me. I said, that's diabolical to say to your father in law.

[B]

And, you know, Carlisle was probably like, did you mean to call me?

[A]

I swear something just moved inside of me.

[B]

Who are you saying this to?

[A]

What?

[B]

And she meanwhile looks in the. And she looks in the. In the mirror and she's like, I'm bumping. There's a bump.

[A]

Let me tell you, that bitch is a Pilates queen.

[B]

I would give my left arm for that bump. I would give my left arm for my stomach to look like. Her stomach looks right when it's. When she's like, I'm pregnant.

[A]

I eat a pizza and I'm more pregnant than Bella.

[B]

Mama is tone as in that it's like I was going to say, I

[A]

drink a little water and I'm.

[B]

And I'm more pregnant than Bella.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

It's like, God damn nuts. I was like, we're really not going to give her, like, anything here.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

But cool. So, yeah. So justice for Lee and all that.

[A]

And Carlile.

[B]

Now there's a part where it's like, while they're talking about how she's like, getting to the point where it's like breaking her ribs and. Yeah. And Carlisle's like, yo, this kill you.

[A]

Like, this thing's going like you. Let's real talk right now.

[B]

Yeah. Like, there's no way. And Robert Pattinson literally almost laughs in this scene multiple times. When they're telling him that the baby's crushing Bella from the inside out, he says, I can't live without you. Watch it again. He laughs, stifles a full laugh.

[A]

He does. He turns to the window.

[B]

He doesn't do a good job at it. It's very, very, very obvious that he stops himself from laughing.

[A]

And then he does it one more time, like right before he yells at her. Watch that scene. He's lolling.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

Because he's like, this isn't serious. Also, I think it's partially that she looks so scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That he can't be like, I can't live without you. Because he's like, I kind of want to live without you right now.

[B]

Terrifying. I'd like to get out of here.

[A]

They. The makeup and, like, whatever else they did to make her look so just, like, gaunt and scary. I was like, what did you guys terrify?

[B]

Like, terrifying. And while when Bella, like, goes into labor and, like, all her bones are

[A]

breaking, it's so scary because she, like, drops blood. They figure out that, like, the baby needs blood, so she's drinking blood, and then she drops some, and the baby, like, wants it so bad, she breaks her back and her knees.

[B]

Yeah. It's terrifying. And in the book Jacob's Part, he says, for the tiniest part of a second, my eyes touched on the two standing in the back. Back. Esme, Alice, small and distractingly feminine.

[A]

Distractingly feminine?

[B]

What the fuck does that mean? Pretty distractingly feminine.

[A]

He's like, here's the thing. I was really concerned about Bella, but I kind of wanted to fuck those vampires. And I do feel weird about that.

[B]

That sounds like something AI would spit out.

[A]

No, you know what that sounds like?

[B]

I realized these were written well before AI was a thing. So I'm not. That's not what I'm saying at all.

[A]

Distracting.

[B]

But I'm saying that does sound like a stupid, stupid thing that AI would put together. It sounds like to be like, put this in there.

[A]

It sounds like that whole generation that's, like, looks maxing.

[B]

Have you heard of that?

[A]

That's the kind of shit that those incels would say. Distractingly.

[B]

Distractingly feminine.

[A]

They call girls, like mobs or something.

[B]

I don't know what the.

[A]

It's weird.

[B]

I just. It just sounds like something that. Two things that don't belong together, it just doesn't. So that's why it feels. Again, I realized this was before AI On. Not by any means.

[A]

No, no, no. We're not accusing anybody.

[B]

I'm more just saying, like, that's how. That is also why when, like, people think things that are not written well are just. AI. Not always.

[A]

Sometimes people just don't work.

[B]

But this really does feel like one of those. Because, like, a lot of times when you see, like, something written by AI, there'll be things that you're like, that doesn't make sense. Like, that metaphor doesn't make sense. Or, like, it's, like, overly worked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The word. Or like, the phrase that feels overly worked. Distractingly feminine feels like something that somebody should have said. Pull that back.

[A]

Distractingly feminine. That one feels like an insult.

[B]

Yeah, it is. It kind of feels like one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel like maybe I'm like, was he trying to insult I.

[A]

Absolutely. Because he's like. I think he's basically saying, like, the vampire women shouldn't be so feminine and beautiful, but they are. And it's like, me up.

[B]

It's like, what?

[A]

He also yells at Edward when he finds out that Bella's pregnant. You did this.

[B]

And he's like, yeah.

[A]

Yes, they are married and they did just get back from their honeymoon.

[B]

Yes, he did do this.

[A]

Like you haven't discovered something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, truly, what?

[B]

And Edward has to perform the C section, like we said, with his teeth.

[A]

With him's teeth.

[B]

He just has to bite through that placenta.

[A]

We also have to assume that he separates the cord, the umbilical cord, with his teeth as well, because when the baby comes out, there's no cord.

[B]

Yeah, just crunch.

[A]

And I said, what a different way to go about that.

[B]

Yeah. It's a lot of layers to bite through.

[A]

Seven, right?

[B]

Seven. I think C sections are no joke.

[A]

It might even be more. Because I know you have seven layers of skin, right?

[B]

Seven distinct layers of tissue and muscle,

[A]

but they also have to, like, move organs and.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Maybe he just, like, shuffles those around the skin.

[B]

The subcutaneous fat, fascia, abdominal muscles, peritoneum, the uterus and the amniotic sac.

[A]

Have you ever seen somebody, like, reenact it on TikTok that shit, will you up?

[B]

Every time I see it, I'm like, damn, I did that twice.

[A]

Twice. I know.

[B]

Twice bad over here. Snaps a lot.

[A]

I don't think I could survive that.

[B]

But also she. And he's biting through those layers. So I'm like, that's going to be jagged as and also.

[A]

And infected.

[B]

According to the illustrating gun, when hybrid babies happen, it's. The placenta's like stone. Like, it's. It's like vampire skin.

[A]

Imagine if he lost a tooth. That would have been the funniest shit. And then it just. And then it just grew back. Because he heals quickly. Here's the other thing. So he says, because Jacob, at least in the movie, says, like, because they take out the baby and. Or like, they're. The baby's not completely out yet, and she's clearly, like, dying. Yeah. And he's like, you have to change her. And he says, I can't until that thing is out. But you're biting into her body, so you get like. That doesn't make sense.

[B]

So your venom is already entering her system.

[A]

Yeah. You're saying I can't give her my venom until the baby's out, but you're giving her your venom by ripping open her skin with your teeth.

[B]

Yes, indeed.

[A]

And nobody caught that. Like, I don't get it.

[B]

Nobody caught that. Yeah. Another thing that nobody caught is how Jacob imprints on Renesmee.

[A]

Oh, I caught that.

[B]

And what's crazy is that he imprints on Renesmee at all, but before we get there. But also when she was born, he's in the room her, and he sees

[A]

her for the first time.

[B]

He literally is like, get that thing out of here.

[A]

Y. Like, I'm not holding it. That rank ass infant that he says, I don't want to touch that baby that's covered in strawberry cream cheese. Yeah.

[B]

He said, that's a murderer. Get it out of here. In the Illustrated Guide, Stephanie Meyer states that imprinting, this is a quote, direct quote. Imprinting happens the first time a werewolf sees the object of his imprinting. If the werewolf does not react to the human the first time he sees her after he phases, he will never imprint on that human. But he does. But he does what? Like he literally saw her and then he sees her again and that's when he imprints. That doesn't make any sense.

[A]

Yup.

[B]

And there's no reason for that. No, like there's no reason.

[A]

We were watching the movie and I said, hold up, hold up right now a second. He's seeing her immediately when she's delivered. Delivered?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which honestly would have been even worse if he imprinted it on her as she was coming out of her mother's uterus. Yeah, that'd be fucked.

[B]

That would be fucked.

[A]

It's still fucked.

[B]

It's completely fucked. And I love that in this whole thing that first of all, Edward, like, goes into this moment of just being so enamored with the baby that he literally does not care that Bella is fully coding, just deading right there, dead on the bed. She's quite corpse. Like, she just presumably is a corpse at that moment. And then he's like, oh, I have to fix her now too. I'm like, oh, wow, no, that sucks. Like, I don't. And what's funny is, like, in again, in the Illustrated Guide, there's an interview with Stephanie Meyer and she says that the reason she wanted to explore this whole pregnancy thing is because pregnancy is like, not dangerous anymore.

[A]

That's the dumbest thing I've ever.

[B]

She said, now it's not dangerous. Used to be so dangerous. It's not dangerous anymore. And I said, I beg you to read.

[A]

It's still.

[B]

I beg you to read the amount

[A]

of conditions that you can get. One, not only while pregnant, but two immediately after delivery.

[B]

I needed two blood transfusions after I had the twins. You were like, bella, every organ in my body was shutting down.

[A]

When I saw Elena post birth, it was like, I think one day later, I literally grabbed a nurse And I said, is she all right? Yeah, because she was gray.

[B]

I was literally gray.

[A]

She was the color, color gray. She was the gray stuff. Literally from Beauty and the Beast.

[B]

I was literally. I had two full blood transfusions right after giving birth.

[A]

Birth isn't even dangerous reading that. Don't be so dramatic.

[B]

I was like, girl, I know it wasn't like giving birth in the middle of the woods back in the day. I realized that. That things have changed. But it's dangerous. Dangerous. Like we can't pretend that it's not dangerous. No. So like, that's a weird thing to say, especially when you're having her die during birth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there's that.

[A]

But she was like, I'm doing something new here. Women don't die during birth. And it's like they do. They sure do.

[B]

That does happen. It's just. And then we have Rosalie who has to be taken out of the room cuz she's about to eat Bella. Cuz she's just. All the blood. I mean, cuz they haven't hunted in

[A]

forever because of Bella.

[B]

Because of Bella needing to as a human.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Leads back to that. None of them have eaten in days. Weeks even. They're all hungry. They're all like. All their eyes are turning dark black at this point.

[A]

Not Amber, Esme, Carlisle and Emmett are out hunting when she goes into labor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, and also trying to avoid being hunted by the wolves.

[B]

Which at the same time stops by like, you know, with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's like all of this is because Bella just had to have sex as a human. Yeah. Could not wait. But then Rosalie gets that baby. She doesn't even ask if Bella survived. She's sitting by a fire.

[A]

I can take it.

[B]

Cooing at that baby.

[A]

Unfucking bothered at that CGI baby.

[B]

So there goes that whole girls supporting girls thing. She doesn't give up.

[A]

She's never gonna.

[B]

She said, this is my baby now. I hope she does die.

[A]

And also, also, that's crazy. Sorry. I had to recover from that. That's my baby now. I hope she does.

[B]

I hope she does die.

[A]

That baby, like when it first comes out is a regular baby. Like somebody was like, here's my three month old. Go ahead and cover it in jam. Crazy wild.

[B]

And it's a beautiful baby.

[A]

Then they make it. And I'm like, but you didn't have to do that because babies are already beautiful.

[B]

Like, but no, we needed this baby to be the baby that Jacob falls in love with.

[A]

But they make it really scary.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like it. So once they are free, Renesmee in part two is going to be the thing that your. Your sleep paralysis demon has nothing on.

[A]

Renesmee in part two, your sleep paralysis demon is a top model compared to Renesmee.

[B]

Because when. When we see Jacob imprint on Renault and he just has visions of this beautiful adult Renesmee.

[A]

But here's the thing. It's beautiful adult Renesmee. It's weird. And her wig is weird, too. Why can't they just find a pretty girl with long hair? What's up with their wigs? Why can't they just find a pretty girl with long hair?

[B]

Get a good. There's good wigs. Yeah.

[A]

I might not even need it. You found Victoria, the first one. She has gorgeous hair, but then he

[B]

just falls to his knees and will

[A]

do anything to be with that baby in seven years.

[B]

Meanwhile, that baby just shit its pants.

[A]

Meanwhile, that baby just breathed its first

[B]

breath like it's literally being fed by Rosalie because it can't feed itself. And you fell to your knees thinking about it as a beautiful adult woman that you can't wait to be with. Also you, who also has no ch. Choice in the matter.

[A]

Yep. And you hate vampires.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's half fam. Like, that baby's drinking blood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not breast milk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's weird as it's the weirdest movie like it. This has got to be the. Stephanie Meyer's mind is a dark place.

[B]

We gotta study it, man. It's crazy.

[A]

It's up.

[B]

I gotta be like, girl, tell me what's going on in there.

[A]

Then we get to the end. By the way, make sure you watch past the credit credits. If you didn't know the first.

[B]

The credits we get. Probably my favorite part of the Twilight series. I love Arrow.

[A]

He is funny. Love him.

[B]

He's wonderful. Marcus is just so tortured.

[A]

I love him.

[B]

And we have. Is it Bianca? Yes, Bianca. The secretary comes in and she hands a note to Arrow. And it's a note that, because she's a secretary, she wrote down Carlisle had contacted them and said. Said that they have a new addition to the family. So he reads the note, and when he says it, he's like, carlisle. Carlisle has contacted us. And he looks up and he says with an S. Bianca.

[A]

She spelled Carlisle wrong.

[B]

You can't spell.

[A]

He's like, wow, dummy.

[B]

And that they added somebody new. He immediately has two vampires kill Bianca because he says for the spelling and the grammar.

[A]

He said the grammar, too, was bad. Maybe he would have just let it go.

[B]

He says, first the spelling, then the grammar or take her out. And I was like, arrow is everything to me. He is. He's everything to me. He's big. Mad. He's big.

[A]

May have something he wants.

[B]

Because Marcus says, oh, so beautiful. We're no longer. I'm so fighting with the cowards. Happy. And Ero says, family, here we are. And he says, they have something I want, want. And then.

[A]

Hold on, he. He says, they have something I want. And then we cut to the real credits, which is Bruno Mars, it will rain. How do you end your vampire movie with if you ever leave me, baby. What?

[B]

What? I literally can't.

[A]

What?

[B]

I literally.

[A]

There'll be no sunlight. Of course there won't. You're a vampire.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

That's the thing. That's the most diabolical credit song to roll after Breaking Dawn.

[B]

And you know what? Just like to end this, like, on the website she has her playlists that she put together. And I'm not faulting anyone for a playlist. I love a playlist. I have playlists for my books. Is it.

[A]

This playlist is like, it goes everywhere.

[B]

Yeah. And like, maybe you can on my playlist too. Like, I'm on this one. I wouldn't on your playlist. I think this one just confuses me because one of the things on the playlist from Bella's thing is the Beach Boys. Wouldn't it be be nice. I just gotta know where that fits. Like, I just gotta know where that.

[A]

Because wouldn't it be nice if we were older? It's like the lyrics, obviously.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then she also has like, Linkin

[B]

park from Bella's point of view.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I just don't see. Reliant K. I see Reliant K. I do see. I do see.

[A]

Be my escape. I do see.

[B]

Before I knew. We do have Dark Blue by Jack's mannequin, which I said shout out to Andrew McMahon and also friend of the pod.

[A]

Dear Andrew, how do you feel about this?

[B]

Do you know that you're on this? He.

[A]

Did you know that you're linked to Stephanie Meyer?

[B]

And also I would like to know where does that go?

[A]

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

[B]

Elena, can you just point to me where that one goes? I just. I'm having trouble. And again, I'm not in the I. This is not my world. So I'm not going to say that. Like, maybe you have a place. Place. She has a place where that fits.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

And that I'll go, you're right. That makes sense because I'm. This is not my world. So maybe it's when he looks at

[A]

Renesmee for the first time.

[B]

There you go. Like, it's.

[A]

It's them.

[B]

Like, I love that song. In fact, every time I go to a concert of Jack's Mannequin, I call John during Dark Blue if he's not in the room with me.

[A]

That's really cute.

[B]

Yeah. I love that it played at my wedding, but, yeah, I just didn't know where that one fit. I also didn't know where Paper Cut by Lincoln park fit. Great song. It's great song. Great album. We've got Evanescence, of course. We've got Fix you by Coldplay, which I feel like does fit.

[A]

Oh, my God. I used to listen to that song anytime that I did a breakup or got broken up with.

[B]

Wreck you absolutely.

[A]

You try your best, but you don't succeed. That's for Marcus. That's for Marcus.

[B]

That is the smart. That is Marcus. Would you kept walking not what you need.

[A]

He's constantly playing that in his.

[B]

He's so sad. We have. Let's see. We have you two stuck in a moment you can't get out of.

[A]

That's only because they put that on everybody's phone.

[B]

That's very true. It's got to be in every playlist. I'm like, damn, it's on my playlist too. We. We also have the reason by Hubaste. And Ash said, not Hubastick.

[A]

I said, how do you put Hubaste? First of all, how do you name your band? Hoobastank. Let's get back to the origin story.

[B]

Isn't Hooba St. What? Isn't Hooba stank? I think they. Do you know what it is?

[A]

Do I know what hooba stank means?

[B]

Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure because I remember when they first came out, people were like, what the mean? I think he said, it's the smell of a hooba. I think it's the smell of, like, a bong. Like, I'm pretty sure sure.

[A]

The lead singer, Doug Robb, once claimed it was a mispronounced German slang for somebody who had a shoe fetish or has a lot of sneakers. What a vast difference.

[B]

What a vast difference.

[A]

Hoobastank.

[B]

I feel like I saw an interview where they said that at one point, but maybe it seems like they say

[A]

a lot of things about it, so that's fair.

[B]

Either way, when you said not hoobastank,

[A]

I was like, what?

[B]

I Don't know. Because that really is a good. A Wild Man.

[A]

So random.

[B]

Pretty great.

[A]

Oh, man, I can't wait for part two.

[B]

Part two.

[A]

Because I don't remember it. Like, I think I said this when we finished Eclipse. I really didn't remember. And then I was watching this and I said, wow. I really didn't retain most of this.

[B]

I also didn't.

[A]

Which is probably my brain saving me,

[B]

because I don't think. I don't think part one is Good. Is widely received as the best of them. I think if you like, love it.

[A]

I. I think I thought that I liked Breaking dawn better than I liked Eclipse, but I would actually prefer Eclipse over at least part one.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I'm.

[A]

These movies are nuts, man.

[B]

Last two are not great for me. No, I'm hoping.

[A]

Last two that we covered. Yeah.

[B]

Like Eclipse. And I think part.

[A]

The last part, like part five, is supposed to be kind of fun because

[B]

I think that the fighting scene is fine. And I think it's fun meeting the other covens. Yeah. Yeah. And like, we get more Arrow. Yeah. So, like, that's all I can ask for.

[A]

And Jane, we get more Jane. I love Jane.

[B]

Jane. Jane is fun. Yeah. So. All right. I. And I think we get Arrow's really good laugh in the next one.

[A]

God, I can't wait.

[B]

I think it's really.

[A]

You're gonna have to do an impression once you hear it.

[B]

I'll get it. All right.

[A]

So that'll be one of our next bonus episodes, brothers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love doing these so much.

[B]

My God, what are we gonna do

[A]

once we're done with Twilight?

[B]

I know. Guys, you gotta give us a suggestion. Suggestions of like a series or something that you want us to cover.

[A]

Like this, Like a ridiculous series. Like, how do bonus episode after this?

[B]

I know. How could we.

[A]

Tell us what you want. Tell us and we'll give you what you want. We will.

[B]

Because we love you. We do. So with that being said, we hope

[A]

you keep listening and we hope you keep it weird. But not as weird as Jacob.

[B]

Definitely not.

[A]

Or Edward ripping his baby mama's skin apart. Or Rosalie just waiting in the background until she steal the baby. Or Alice packing your sister in law lingerie after she marries your brother.

[B]

Or the wig department.

[A]

Or the wig department. And if I missed anyone, let me know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or as Renee getting blitzed at your daughter's wedding and singing for your speech.

[B]

And Jessica saying it could have been me. Yeah, yeah. Don't keep it that word.

[A]

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[B]

That's forthepeople.com podcast.