Morbid January Bonus Episode: New Moon

Podcast: Morbid
Hosts: Ash Kelley & Alaina Urquhart
Date: January 30, 2026

Main Theme: A Roasting Rewatch of Twilight: New Moon

In this bonus episode, Ash and Alaina return to the misty woods of Forks for a deep dive into New Moon—the second installment of the Twilight franchise. The hosts deliver a riotous, heavily analytical, and often critical recap of the film and book, combining true crime sensibilities with supernatural pop culture and pure comedic irreverence. Expect everything from vampire lore analysis to hair critiques, thermonuclear rants about imprinting and problematic romance tropes, and the immortal question: “Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?”

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Twilight: New Moon Cinematic Experience

• The episode opens with nostalgia for 2009 and the switch in directors from Catherine Hardwicke to Chris Weitz, thanks to Summit Entertainment's lightning-fast sequel demands.
  • "It was real quick turnaround." (03:12, Ash)
• The New Moon soundtrack gets unanimous praise as the “banger” of the franchise, calling out Death Cab for Cutie, Tom Yorke, Muse, and Lykke Li as moment-makers that “transport you right back there.”
  • “Meet me on the Equinox by Death Cab for Cutie. Banger. So of a time. Yeah. It will transport you right back.” (04:05, Alaina)
• The hosts hilariously reminisce about the 2000s era’s “cloth scarves,” “that jacket everyone had,” old digital cameras, and MirrorPix.

Hair, Wigs, and Wardrobe

• “Bella’s hair is really right in this one.” (04:39, Alaina)
• “Her hair is absolutely screaming infidelities.” (05:02, Ash)
• Wigs (notably Rosalie and Jasper’s) get a full breakdown.
  • “Jasper’s hair looks absolutely fucking insane…Confederate soldier’s hair just outrageous.” (05:57, Alaina)
• Charlie (Bella’s dad) comes out as the unlikely “certified snack.” (06:27)

The “Not Like Other Girls” Discourse & Bella’s Meltdown

• The hosts critique Bella’s “walking coma" depression after Edward leaves, and call out the adults’ failures.
  • “This is so damaging to young girls to watch…You don’t matter. You’re disgusting. He’s perfect. So just crop yourself out.” (65:01, Alaina)
  • “Screaming nightmares are where, as a parent, I draw the line.” (73:55, Ash)
• They side-eye Bella’s dismissive friendship style, especially with Jessica and Mike.
  • “Bella’s problem is bigger. Bella has narcissistic tendencies up the wazir.” (80:37, Alaina)

Vampire & Werewolf Lores—And Their Problematic Representations

The Quileute Tribe & Cultural Appropriation

• Ash and Alaina address real-world concerns over Twilight’s use of Quileute lore:
  • “One of the things is they didn’t get compensated for the story, essentially…their lore…has been twisted a little bit.” (09:12, Alaina)

The Volturi, Their Powers, and Their Messy Relationships

• A comprehensive lore dump from the Twilight Illustrated Guide, including:
  • Arrow (Michael Sheen’s “chaotic, mayor-coded” Volturi leader who gets a full roast for his onion-like, translucent skin and “big 6’3 energy”)
  • Marcus, the “sad boy” whose empath power is basically “being an empath except with more gas.”
  • Caius, whose “special power is just being a hater…He owns a grudgery.”
  • Jane (Dakota Fanning) and Alec’s dark origin story as psychic twins burned at the stake and turned by Arrow.
• Notable quote: “There aren’t many bad guys in my novels.” —Stephenie Meyer (43:32 via Alaina)
  Ash/Alaina in response: “Disagree…James, question mark? Arrow, question mark?”

Werewolf Rules, Imprinting & Jacob’s Fate

• Werewolf lore explained from the Illustrated Guide:
  • Only those of the correct bloodline can phase.
  • Their aging “pauses” at 25.
  • “Imprinting” is lambasted as a toxic, heteronormative, grooming-adjacent plot device.
    • “Putting platonic and playmate in the same sentence is diabolical.” (93:38, Ash)
    • “This is waiting and wait. It’s literally grooming until she becomes age appropriate.” (94:05, Alaina)
• They roast the mechanics of transformation, especially Leah Clearwater’s awful deal and Jacob’s “late bloomer” status.

Love Triangle (or Toxic Octagon)

• The ephemeral “Team Edward vs Team Jacob” debate is dissected:
  • “He just got like, full-blown used.” (12:12, Alaina)
  • “Bella needs a Capricorn friend at that table.” (75:08, Alaina)
• Repeated analysis of how both relationships are toxic, with Bella dangling Jacob and Edward gaslighting and love-bombing her.

Unintentionally Hilarious & Absurd Moments

• “Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?” (84:39, Jacob)
• Parking lot triple-parking (“like a snickerdoodle,”) and the legend of car baloney (baloney strips paint—don’t try this at home).
• The inexplicable “disappearing Bella foot” goof in the meadow flashback (111:29).
• Bella’s apparent distaste for music: “I don’t really like music anymore. Pick me pick me.” (85:57, Alaina)
• The debate over why Bella jumps off the cliff in full Converse and jeans: “She jumps in with her Converse on. Why?” (126:30, Ash)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Context | |-----------|------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 13:42 | Alaina | “You’re nuzzling up on him, you’re like almost kissing him a lot, telling him he’s… all your days together, and then you’re just kind of being like… Just be a little more upfront!” | | 21:10 | Ash | “Thinking now that like, she was just literally losing it. Like, literally having delusions auditorily and visually hallucinating him is so much more upsetting.” | | 32:10 | Alaina | “Are you out there? Ick. If you’re listening right now, do you or someone you love do that? Do you park across three spaces horizontally like a snickerdoodle?” | | 34:50 | Alaina | “And then she’s like, hello, biceps. Your tongue was just in your boyfriend’s throat.” | | 65:01 | Alaina | “You don’t matter. It’s all about…You’re disgusting. He’s perfect. So just crop yourself out.” | | 73:55 | Ash | “Screaming nightmares are where, as a parent, I draw the line.” | | 80:39 | Alaina | “Bella’s problem is bigger. Bella has narcissistic tendencies up the wazir.” | | 84:39 | Both | “Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?” (Movie-line meme) | | 93:38 | Ash | “Putting platonic and playmate in the same sentence is diabolical.” | | 94:05 | Alaina | “This is waiting and wait. It’s literally grooming until she becomes age appropriate.” | | 111:29 | Ash | “I need you guys to watch this scene, even if you don’t watch the whole movie again… Bella doesn’t have a foot, it’s gone!” | | 130:57 | Alaina | “There’s a scene of Victoria, and I think it’s Jacob as a wolf… they do this face-off… the song is perfect, it gives you chills.” | | 148:42 | Alaina | “Dakota Fanning is so good in this. The emotion work she did so tight on that shot is amazing.” | | 151:55 | Alaina | “It’s the vest of Edward and Bella… running slow motion through the forest, barefoot in Renaissance garb.” |

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:12 – Short turnaround for New Moon’s production
• 04:05 – Soundtrack nostalgia and Death Cab for Cutie
• 05:57 – Wigs, Confederate soldiers, jokey historical asides
• 13:35 – Dissecting the triangle: Bella, Edward, Jacob, and the beginnings of imprinting
• 21:10 – Analysis: “Is Bella just hallucinating Edward?”
• 65:01 – “Damaging to young girls”: Cropping herself out for Edward’s sake
• 73:55 – “Screaming nightmares” and parental crises
• 80:39 – Friendship failures and “baby girlification” of Bella
• 84:39 – "Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?" meme
• 93:38 – Imprinting lore as deeply problematic
• 111:29 – Meadow scene: “Bella’s missing a foot!”
• 130:57 – Hearing Damage chase: best scene in the movie
• 148:42 – Dakota Fanning’s performance as Jane
• 151:55 – Bella’s vampire vision ("Vest-era" Renaissance Bella)

Flow & Tone Highlights

• Language/Tone: The episode is a wild blend of snark, 2000s nostalgia, and true crime-rooted realism, all doused in irreverence. The hosts riff off each other’s jokes and offer both genuine affection (“That was the moment, I was like, okay…I’m back to your love,” 146:12, Ash) and relentless roasting—especially of the franchise’s toxic romance and plot holes.
• Dynamic Moments: Includes debates over the fairness to the Quileute, the disgust with the handling of imprinting (“That’s just–this was voluntary. You didn’t have to.” 95:13, Ash), and repeated calls for therapy for literally everyone in Forks.

Conclusion

This bonus breakdown goes far beyond a movie review—it’s a pointed, funny, and sometimes furious commentary on the Twilight phenomenon and its lasting implications for storytelling, culture, and young fandoms. Alaina and Ash ensure you know the soundtrack resets, the characters’ worst moments, the franchise’s most toxic messaging, and every weird “snickerdoodle” parking mishap along the way.

Final words:
“We hope you keep it vampy…or sparkly and weird.” (162:19, Ash)

If you’ve never seen New Moon, you’ll walk away knowing not just the plot, but exactly why so many people both love and love-to-hate this sparkling, melodramatic mess.