← More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle
More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle
EP 68 - Are We Overparenting or Underparenting? Finding the Right Balance
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- [00:00]
A
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This message is sponsored by Greenlight. With school out, summer is the perfect time to teach our kids real world money skills they'll use forever. Greenlight is a debit card and the one family finance and safety app used by millions of families, helping kids learn how to save, invest and spend wisely. Parents can send their kids money and track their spending and saving while kids build money, confidence and skills in fun ways. Start your risk free Greenlight trial today@greenlight.com Spotify that's greenlight.com Spotify do you think rules make life easier or do they just make people cranky?
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A
Yes.
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B
Are you over parenting or are you under parenting? We don't have rules to have rules. We have rules to keep everybody safe.
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A
You don't want other parents dictating your values.
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B
Your kids are not looking for perfect parents. What they're looking for is a united marriage and to have consistent consistency. This is More Than Reality podcast where we dive into all things faith, family and marriage and share that there is so much more than the reality that you see on the surface. Welcome to More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle Busby. What's up guys?
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A
It is episode 68, more than reality podcast. I'm Adam Busby.
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B
And I'm Danielle Busby.
- [01:58]
A
And we're in the warm house right now because.
- [02:02]
B
Yes, warm because you want the heater up all the way. Sorry. Coming in hot.
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A
Miss Hot flash.
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B
So we are experiencing the, the cold right now where it's like in the 20s and 30s.
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A
Not nearly as bad as a lot of you.
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B
A lot. Yeah.
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A
Around the country.
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B
But when you live in Texas, it's just you get like, like a moment of it. And I love, I'm loving the cold because I want to be cold and I want to be like layered up or have blankets, especially my cozy earth blanket. It's like, oh my gosh, I have that right now.
- [02:42]
A
The weight of that bubble cuddle blanket is awesome.
- [02:45]
B
Awesome. Yeah, I'VE seen you multiple times at night. You'll pull. I'm like, dude, this is mine. Like, at least I will share with you, but don't take it from me. Every night, you're, like, pulling it. I have a lot of hot flashes and just. I'm just always hot. Let's just say I'm always hot. And you're supposed to go, yeah, you are. Okay. Sorry. But with the heater, I don't like the heater on. I literally make a joke. Me and Crystal and Ashley were actually on a text thread. It's always ongoing all day, every day. And Crystal was like, my gosh, my heater. It's so cold. Something's up. My heater's on. I think she said 72 or something. I was like, what? I'm like, I wouldn't even be able to breathe in that house.
- [03:33]
A
I mean, I woke up heater. I woke up yesterday morning, and I was like. I stepped out of bed, and it was cold, and I'm like, man, what the heck? Did the heater not come on last night? And I walked to the thermostat downstairs, and it said it was, like, it set at 63.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And so I'm like, I ain't walking around like this. And so I. I set it to.
- [03:56]
B
68, which is, like, hot air blowing in your face.
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A
Three hours later, Danielle comes walking out of the bedroom and like, oh, my gosh, it's so hot. It's 68 degrees. It's hot when you walk right underneath a vent.
- [04:12]
B
No, it just is stuffy, like, hot. Like, when the heater's on, it's like, I make a joke to them right.
- [04:19]
A
Right out of our bedroom. There's a vent right there. So, like, you walk out of the door, and it's, like, blowing right there because it's right in front of a window.
- [04:26]
B
And so I literally went and opened up the doors because I'm like, it's like. It's so hot and stuffy in here. But I make a joke. I'm like, literally, the heater comes on because I need to save the lives of our children in here. I don't want them to freeze to death. Otherwise.
- [04:42]
A
I mean, there's another heater upstairs where they're at.
- [04:45]
B
I know, but they don't want it blowing either, because it, like, blows in one room stronger than the other. And so, you know, anyway, I know there's a lot of you out there that can relate to this. You don't like the heater on? I like. I don't like the heater, and I don't like lights. I want to be snuggled up in a blanket or, like, layered up in cozy coats or whatever. In socks with lamps or daylight.
- [05:12]
A
Yep.
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B
And Adam's like, give me 80 degree heater and all the. And all the lights on in the house.
- [05:21]
A
No, I'm not necessarily like that, but I'm just joking. Like, I'm not going to walk around and I'm freezing. But then also, like, I'll come up to my office, I'll put it on, and it doesn't blow. It doesn't blow in the studio. Like, if the door's closed, it doesn't blow as hard. So, like, I'll walk outside in the hallway. I'm like, oh, it's warm out here. But, like, in here with the door closed, doesn't get as warm.
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B
I'd be sitting in here with that window open with the blanket.
- [05:50]
A
Whenever your feet are numb.
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B
I know.
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A
And put socks.
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B
I know. That's why I put socks on.
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A
Sitting on my computer editing, and, like, my toes are numb.
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B
But you also come in here with, like, just underwear on or, like, just shorts, not underwear, but you'll walk around with, like, just shorts. And I'm like, then put cozy. Put sweats on and some socks, and you'll be good. But when it comes to turning the heater on, I don't, like, turn it up to, like, that degree I want. I just turned the heater on to get the chill out. So it just needs to go up, like, one or two degrees. So just, like, kick it and, like, chill out, and then otherwise it's stuffy.
- [06:33]
A
But, I mean, I know, like, here in Texas, in South Texas, down south of Houston, we didn't get nearly the cold weather that a lot of you guys got around the country. I mean, I. I woke up this.
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B
Morning, guys, for our banter of, and I was.
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A
I was looking at, like, Tennessee, like, that central area of the US Got it, like, the worst, I feel like. And we have a lot of friends over in, like, Nashville and stuff. And so I was like. I was seeing their photos and stuff. Of. I mean, there was, like, ice accumulation, like, around, like, tree limbs and stuff that was like an inch thick, around, like, a small little limb. And that's scary because, I mean, there was trees, like, falling like crazy because it's just so much extra weight.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
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A
And, you know, trees are breaking off and falling into roads, falling on people's houses, falling on people's cars. And I remember one time whenever it was we Were younger where we had a bad ice storm in Louisiana.
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B
Trees falling on the power line, snapping and.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Lost power for.
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A
And I remember standing outside, like, in the open right outside of my grandpa's house, and. And it was like every, like, 10 seconds, you would just hear, like, trees cracking and branches falling and stuff. I mean, it was just like, everywhere. You're like, oh, my gosh. And that's, like, the only ice storm that I can equate it to that. Like, I feel like we've been in and we didn't get it like that. I mean, the schools were canceled here today. And honestly, they didn't really need to be, but they had to make that call on Friday. And so, I mean, you just don't know what it's going to be like. And so they just went ahead and made the call on Friday that schools were going to be canceled on Monday. But, I mean, yesterday was, like, dry all day. I mean, it rained a little bit early in the morning, and then by like, 11 o', clock, rain had passed away. Like, passed on and it just got cold.
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B
Yeah. The girls are like, do we have school tomorrow? I'm like, yeah. They're like, it's going to be just as cold.
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A
Like, cold doesn't matter.
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B
Does it matter? But today they're like, there's no snow or ice or anything, but we don't have school. So I guess if it's cold, we don't have school. Yeah.
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A
Like, they walked. I was downstairs a while ago and, like, Hazel came in because naturally they always leave socks outside near the trampoline, and they were, like, wet, and then they had frozen solid. And they walk in like, this is why school was canceled today. And they, like, knocked the socks on the counter. I was like, just because it's cold, like, you are going to be inside all day anyway. Like, it doesn't matter. You might as well be inside there than here.
- [09:14]
B
Yeah.
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A
Doing nothing.
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B
Yeah. Because Ava goes, when it's too cold outside, we're not allowed to go outside for, like, recess or whatever. So she's like, what's the point of going to school?
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A
Because that's where you learn.
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B
Yeah. All right, so here's a random question for today. Do you think rules make life easier or do they just make people cranky?
- [09:37]
A
Yes.
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B
Yes. Yes to what?
- [09:41]
A
I mean, there's. You can definitely make arguments for both sides, for sure. I mean, I feel like people need structure, but then also, sometimes too many rules or too many too much, like, barriers hinder you being able to live your life. And make decisions or learn from consequences and stuff like that.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And like living in prison. Yeah. I mean, I. I kind of equate it. I mean, just think of, like, whenever the kids were babies and we were filming in the house, we would have camera guys that are, like, watching the babies and stuff, and they're like, you know that age where they're, like, climbing up on stuff. On stuff. They were kind of barely walking around, but they could, like, pull themselves up onto the couch and, like, climb up onto the couch. I remember feniche, like, like, I remember multiple times, like cameramen, they would, like, put their camera down and, like, run over to the kids and they would look at me like, I'm crazy. If they don't understand what the consequences are, they're never going to learn from it. Like, I watched this documentary long ago. I think it was back whenever Blake was a baby and just talking about. Just talking about kids and like, child rearing and stuff like that and. And allowing them enough. Enough freedom to be able to learn from mistakes and child. Children that are able to, you know, have less boundaries and to be able to, like, kind of freely roam and like, learn about their environment and stuff like that. They adapt better and learn better from, like, making mistakes because, you know. Yes. I mean, they'd look, you know, our cameraman would look at me like, like, why aren't you running over here to, like, catch your kid just in case she falls? I was like, well, she didn't fall. And if she did, I mean, yeah, I'm not gonna let her just like, crawl up to the top of the stairs and just. But, you know, just from the couch, which is 2ft off the ground to the floor, that's not a really big fall.
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B
And.
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A
And I'm going to let them learn from those mistakes so that next time whenever they're doing that, they'll remember, oh, you know, I'm not supposed to do that or I'm going to be more careful because I fell last time. And. And so it's a fine line of being able to, you know, allow your children to. To learn consequences for things, consequences for action. Yes. That aren't, like, egregious and, you know, just like completely free range and just let them go wherever. But times definitely have changed nowadays. Where I remember whenever I was young.
- [12:31]
B
Yeah.
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A
I mean, sun up to sundown, I was gone on my bicycle, who knows where, you know, all over the place. You know, five miles away on my bike. My parents have no clue. There's no, you know, kids don't have phones or anything like that at that age, at that time in our lives and, you know, everything was fine.
- [12:53]
B
Yeah. I think a lot of parents today feel confused about how they're raising their kids, because, one, you were raised differently than I was raised differently. Therefore, how do we raise our kids together? Right. And I think with a lot of things in life, especially when it comes to, you know, parenting or marriage and, like, friends or whatever, you almost are doing the opposite of what you had. Didn't have. Right? Opposite of what you had. Yes, opposite of what you had.
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A
So, I mean, not necessarily opposite.
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B
Not necessarily opposite, but you being more sheltered made you. Makes you want to go wild more. So when you get the freedom.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Versus having all the freedom and not really having boundaries and stuff allowed me.
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A
To just learn on your own.
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B
Learn on your own and. And see, like, is that a good choice or bad choice? And a lot of things our kids. Your kids picking up are not so much about what are the rules that are being verbally said. It's, what are my parents doing? And are they. Are they gonna abide to the rules? Like, just like house rules or whatever, you know, And I think we talk about this a lot. Like. Or I tell you a lot or I talk about it a lot. Like, we. Your kids, watch you more than they listen to you.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And your actions speak louder than the words that you're saying as the rules or what the boundaries are or. Or, you know, I grew up with a lot of no, but. And because I said so was my answers. And I absolutely hated that. Because I'm like, there's no real reason unless you give me a reason. And now I have kids that I want to say because I said so too. You find yourself saying that I'm like, I can't. Because it's not. That wasn't good enough for me then. And so I know it's not good enough for them at the moment. And I often get reminded or you're here.
- [15:09]
A
You'll hear yourself saying something that, you know, your. Your mom or somebody used to say whenever you're younger and you're like, yeah.
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B
I try very hard. Whoa. Nope, I'm not gonna say that. Because I said so was like, that's.
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A
Where you would never say those words.
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B
Yeah. That one line that I'm just like, I won't. I don't ever to come out of my mouth. But I'm sure I've said it before. It's going to lead into, like, the topic today of, are you over parenting or are you under parenting.
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A
Okay.
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B
And honestly, you know, Adam, we're going to talk about this today, because I don't. I'm not saying there's a right way and there's a wrong way, but I do think that there's benefits of structure. Structure and rules and boundaries and, you know, talking about, like, the difference of how we were raised in how you want to parent your children and our perspectives, how we would have imagined raising our kids. Until you have the kids, you can talk and plan and think as much as you want, but until you're in those moments, it's like whenever. It's like whenever you're pregnant and you're getting all the parenting advice and everyone's telling you how to do this and how to do that, until you get in that moment or in that phase or in that conversation or in that hard, you as the parent then has to make a decision, do I do this or that? That applies a lot to life. But with the topic of today, are you over parenting? Are you under parenting? I feel like we have good. Separate back backgrounds to therefore come together and say, how do we want to do it together? Yeah.
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A
And we found, like, the healthy medium.
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B
Yeah. And. And so I just think it's worth us talking about and sharing, you know, the background to what it is we decide to do and then how is it applied? And if you watched out daughter, you all know who the good cop, bad cop is. And I'm trying to change that. Just kidding. But I think if you are listening right now, like, think about it like, what is over parenting and what is under parenting? You know, Adam was just briefly talking about, like, how he was, you know, actually just talk about, like, how you were raised. Traditional family, like mom and dad in the house.
- [17:50]
A
I mean, very, very traditional. Lots of structure. There was a lot of stuff. I mean, I grew up in a Southern Baptist house. And so, like, I mean, it's funny just even this week where whenever I was in or at the end of last week, I was in North Carolina and we were talking about. And it's funny whenever it comes up of, like, movies and stuff that people watch or like, older movies, and it's just like, the more you talk about that, the more people realize, like, I've never seen anything because now, like, I was so sheltered, I guess, sheltered. And like. Yeah, I mean, I was so sheltered. It's like far as, like, there was so much stuff that, like, we weren't allowed to, like, watch or listen to or engage in and stuff like that.
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B
Or protected, maybe.
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A
Is the one that's protected.
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B
I don't think shelter is the right.
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A
Word to the point of, like, I don't know, you weren't allowed to. Like, there was just a lot of things you just couldn't do and a lot. And so, you know, whenever it became that time in my life where I had less structure, like, I had my own car and stuff like that, and I could just kind of go freely and do what I want and go places, you kind of go crazy a.
- [19:15]
B
Little bit, got a little bit more exploring because you're like, oh, I never knew this, or I didn't know about that, or.
- [19:21]
A
Yeah, whenever you're. You're exposed to a little bit more freedom, you kind of go nuts because, like, oh, there's this whole world that I didn't even know about. And I. All I was told, you know, whenever I was younger was like, oh, that's bad, we don't do that, and like, blah, blah, blah. And. And I was never able to, like, engage or whatever to like, see why other than just like, no, you don't do that. Yes, it was good, you know, that my parents, like, sheltered me, but also it kind of, in a sense, like, later on in life backfired a little bit. Especially, like, whenever I got into, like, late high school, college years, like, I went crazy. And that's like, whenever I went through like a super rebellious phase because, like, it's like, oh, you had a job.
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B
You'Re making your own money and yeah. Going to school, like. Yeah.
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A
And so then I had to make all these wrong decisions then because, like, I was never allowed to, like, do or engage or, you know, do all this stuff. And so, like, I just went crazy, like, just exploring the world and.
- [20:29]
B
Yeah. And. And so then I'm on the opposite side where I'm like, I was raised by a single mom and my grandparents. A lot of survival mode, a lot of no's because I said so. No real conversations. Nothing was ever explained or ever really, like, taught or just had real conversations about life or like, if you were feeling upset or if, you know, you. Someone hurt your feelings or you're growing and hormones. Like, we never had real conversations. And so I think today a lot of. A lot of how I was raised, how I was growing up, everything was not talked about. So I want to talk about it. Yeah, I want to talk about everything. And I want to know your opinion because I want to know if. How I process. How do you feel to. Then what? How do I feel? And are they the same or are they different and what is the right path? You know, so having two separate backgrounds, a lot of parents, I think. And once again, like, I don't have the perfect answer for this, and neither. Neither of us do. But there's no perfect answer to, like, how do we parent? And I think a lot of times parents feel guilty either way, oh, I did. I sheltered too much or I didn't do enough, and this is my fault. At one phase, at one point in life, I think as we parent, our biggest goal is to raise our kids to love the Lord and to be able to go out on their own and make wise decisions, take care of themselves and be responsible. We've got 18 years before, you know, that's a typical. Like, 18 years before you are out on your own in college. It's not that long. No one is saying, this is the right way, this is the wrong way. And when you've got two separate backgrounds coming to one, you two have to say, well, this is what I want, and this is what I want. What are we. How are we both going to come together with this? And I think however you feel like you over parent or you under parent, a lot of this can apply to. In your marriage.
- [22:46]
A
Yeah. You know, but there's also a difference between right and wrong and. And just like, teaching and like, coddling and allowing your kids to get away with things. Absolutely. Because I think, like, something came up, like, on social media where I saw this video where. And I. And I can see both sides of it, like, this guy sitting on this airplane and waiting for people to board. He's, like, sitting in a seat, and all of a sudden this parent comes in with their kid, and the kid's just throwing a complete freaking tantrum. And like, our kids knew that that wasn't okay, like, to, like, throw a tantrum and just be, like, extremely obnoxious, like, in public.
- [23:27]
B
We will say that they have happened.
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A
They had their time.
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B
We're not perfect once again.
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A
Yeah. And they're kids, so they're always going to have, like, moments. But I mean, even on, like, airplanes and stuff, I mean, there's been very few circumstances where our kids have just gone nuts and where we haven't been able to, like, mitigate it and, like, kind of fix it to just allow your kids.
- [23:49]
B
Want to talk about that after this? I want to talk about those moments.
- [23:53]
A
Yeah, but it's. It's knowing what to do to kind of flip that switch and, like, turn it, you know, whether, like, removing your kid from a situation or like, what speaks to your child at that time, rather than just like, oh, let me just give you whatever you want right now so you'll just stop. And then your kid. It's like, learned behavior. Oh, if I do this and I throw a big enough fit, then in front of other people, mom and dad's going to give me whatever I want it right now. And you can't do that. You have to have, like, a firm line of. Of, like, structure and boundary to know that, like, oh, this isn't gonna work.
- [24:29]
B
Yeah. And I think a lot of. I think a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Today, parents struggle with fear of how they're parenting their kids because they don't want their kids to not like them.
- [24:45]
A
Yeah.
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B
And you've got so much fear based around, oh, I hope they. I hope they still love me. I hope they want to come back home to me. It's like, listen, if you raise your kids, if 1. Adam and I have talked about this before, like, 1. Everything's got to start with the marriage. Everything's got to start with the marriage. Then when it comes to the parenting, you got to be on the same page.
- [25:10]
A
Yeah.
- [25:10]
B
You got to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, rules, structure. And sometimes mom and dad might be in a tiff or, like, an argument or a disagreement on a new situation where our boundaries or rules are now inserted, and we're like, whoa, you said this. I said this. But what. What do we. What does our rules say? What are the house rules say? Right. So it does happen. You always are faced with new situations, and even with your own, like, individual kids, you might face new situations with your first child as the first of some type of.
- [25:52]
A
You know, and especially if it's like.
- [25:54]
B
But it will be different with other. Your other kids.
- [25:56]
A
Yeah. Especially if it's, like, one of those new scenarios where, like, oh, this is kind of uncharted territory as parents. Like, you never want to hash those out in front of your kids to where, like, okay, where do we align here to kind of figure out where that boundary should lie. You never want to have that in front of your kids because then they know, okay, who I need to play.
- [26:17]
B
Right.
- [26:17]
A
Or, like, oh, the dad feels this way, but mom feels this way. So I'm going to go to dad now.
- [26:22]
B
Yeah.
- [26:22]
A
Or vice versa.
- [26:24]
B
So let me give you an example. So this was. This is a very real, like, thing that happened within our life, and it was our roles in the house. I'm trying. I don't remember what the specific topic was. I'M just going to use ice cream. Can I have ice cream? And mom says no. So a kid will go to dad and say, can I have ice cream? And Dad's like, sure. So then mom walks around, sees kids eating ice cream, and she's like, I told you that you're not allowed to have ice cream now because we're about to have dinner. And, well, dad said I could. So then what happened?
- [27:01]
A
Dad didn't know that you had already.
- [27:03]
B
So then what happens in this scenario? Mom gets mad at dad because dad went against her. Okay. Or vice versa. So we've had multiple instances of this, especially as when the kids were younger and they're learning that who do I need to ask? Who do I need to get, you know, who do I need to get approval from? Or the answer from mom or dad? And in our world, mom and dad are both typically always in the house. And so it got to a point where Adam and I were literally getting so frustrated with each other because we were not coming to the same page because our kids were coming in between the secretively coming in between us to say, well, she said this or he said that. So we had to come together and say, what are we going to do about this? Because I don't want to get mad at you because you don't agree with me when you didn't know you were supposed to agree with me in that moment. Right.
- [28:02]
A
Era may just be like, because it could have been something that wasn't one off scenarios here and there.
- [28:07]
B
It could have been something like, can such and such, you know, come over and play right now? And dad's like, yeah, we're home, it's Saturday. Yeah, no problem. Come over. And then all of a sudden, you know, Mom's like, came down with a fever and doesn't want the house to be like, whatever. It could have been. It could have been something like, not even like structured. But what this taught us was we have to change our verbiage to the kids. It can't just be, you know, can I do this? Go to dad or go to mom? We started to say, have you asked your mom?
- [28:44]
A
Yeah.
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B
Have you asked your dad?
- [28:47]
A
Yeah.
- [28:47]
B
Because it didn't matter what mom or dad said, what their response was. It was, did you ask your dad? Because what we wanted to know was, are you coming to us as your second option? Because that's what's not accepted in the house. House. You got a response from mom or you got a response for dad, and that is what you're going to go with. You know, and so the question was, did you ask your dad? Did you ask your mom? If they said no, then we would give them an answer, and if they said yes, we would say, what did mom? What did dad say? They said, no. They said, yeah, then I'm fine with that. Yeah.
- [29:22]
A
Because, like, a lot of times, like, you know, they'll come up to me while I'm in my office working, and then they'll ask me just, like, this random question and, like, and me clearly knowing, oh, well, mom's downstairs. Why are they coming upstairs to ask me that? I got to check them to see if you've already talked to them or whatnot. And, you know those few instances where that happened, Like, I mean, we had to call a family meeting and lay down the ground rules of if one of us gives you an answer, that's.
- [29:55]
B
The answer for both of us.
- [29:56]
A
That's the answer for both of us. We're both aligned on that. And that's one of the ways you can get in the most trouble in this house is if one of us gave you an answer and then you went to the other one and tried to get a different answer without the other one knowing because you didn't like it. Yeah. That's how you can get in way deeper trouble.
- [30:15]
B
Yeah.
- [30:15]
A
And. And then, for one thing, then the answer is no. And then also, you're going to be punished from that one thing for a while.
- [30:23]
B
Yeah.
- [30:24]
A
Because why did you do that? Right. And whenever you realize you're, like, pitting one parent against the other or you're trying to get a different outcome and, you know, and that has happened a few times where for sure, like, you found. You find out later that, oh, you know, oh, you told them no, and they came to me, oh, stop right there. Walk them downstairs. Did mom tell you that? Then usually the tears start coming because they realize what I just did, and I'm about to get in a lot of trouble.
- [30:54]
B
Yeah. Or I'm going to get a consequence because they broke a rule. Right. I think that, you know, when it comes to rules loosening the reins or applying more force on certain rules, it's. It's. You're. As a parent, I feel like you're always walking, like, a fine line, like, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Right. Even. Even with, you know, us having experiences with Blake being the first oldest kid and then doing things with the younger sisters of those first things we've experienced before, it's still a different out. Like, it still can be a Different outcome. Knowing your kids. You know, personalities, love languages we've talked not deeply about, but like knowing just knowing your kid and what is it that they're response is to whatever no is to them. So like what is it that they. And what is it that you can.
- [31:59]
A
Take away?
- [31:59]
B
Take away. And it's very different for everybody in our house. And those are things that you need to know as a parent. You need to know to, you need to know your child to know what is it that they enjoy that can be a consequence for when they are disobedient and because otherwise when they're disobedient and you don't know what that thing is, it's not working for them. It's not doing anything. Because if I for instance, like if I take, take something away from one child and that child could be like, I could care less about that right now or their attitude would show that they cared less or whatever, or if it' something more verbal or if it's, you know, whatever that thing might be. If you're not giving them the right consequence for their type of loving received, then that lesson is not getting taught properly to them. Yeah, you know, I think we have a lot of topics that we, A lot of situations that we face as parents because we one, have six kids, two, we both are like working at home in around a lot for both of us. And there's no real, real unless one parent is not around, like out of the house or something, then it's easier for the parent at home to, you know, make those decisions like on the fly without having to say like did you or did you ask mom or did you ask dad? But as they get older, they're probably going to call you and they're going to say hey mom or hey dad, can we blah, blah, blah. And it's like, okay, well did you ask your dad? So it's not going to change. But I think what, what we experience is all of our kids receive structure, structure and rules all differently. However, what we do know our kids all need is structure and rules and boundaries. Because there's to me and you speak on this too, there's a level of safety, safety and protection that they need because their minds are growing and changing and they are experiencing things for the first a lot of the times. Yeah. And they don't know what to do about it. And when they feel like little crazy psycho kids, you're like, okay, like something we need to, we need to calm this. We need to like bring some closeness, some structure to whatever's going on right now. And for someone like Adam who had more of that like closed bubble and me having more of a. Whatever bubble, I struggle with a lot of trust and safe, feeling safe in everything because I never had that. And so with the kids, not that I want to keep them in a bubble because we've been very non helicopter parents. We have never been helicopter parents. And I think it's very interesting for us because of the both dynamics. But we want to be able to teach in all things, in all lessons. And I feel this as a parent. I feel like I'm still a child of God and I still get in situations and scenarios where I'm like, okay, Lord, like what are you trying to teach me right now? I've been disobedient. I have. I feel ashamed, I feel guilty, I feel fear, I feel whatever I. Whatever that feeling is. I know that times that I fail too, and I'm being disobedient to my father. And so we're never going to be outside of, of learning lessons. And so we want to take situations with their kids and to teach them because that is, that is a big goal of what are you doing parenting? Your kids are 18 and then are they going to know how to take care of themselves? You know?
- [36:07]
A
Yeah. I mean, and also your kids knowing like what, like what that line is, what you're allowed and not allowed to do, you know, that line may be a little different than like their friends. It's good to understand like, where those other kids parents stand on certain things. As far as like, are my kids allowed to go spend the night at this person's house or are my kids allowed to go like, play with this person today because, you know, well, their parents are a little bit more relaxed and expose their. Allow their kids to be exposed to certain things that ours may not necessarily be allowed to. And it's good to really like have a good firm bead on like what that is for different scenarios and whatnot because, you know, you don't want other parents dictating like your values as a family as well. And so yes, in those sense, in those instances, we may be a little bit more helicopter parents because, oh, like, no, you're not gonna go play with this kid because their parents let them do whatever and don't watch them closely with like, things they're consuming or you know, electronics and what they're allowed to access and stuff like that. So I'm not going to allow you to go to that person's house because, you know, they're they're able to just do whatever they want. And I don't want you exposed to that.
- [37:39]
B
But your friend is more than, like, more than welcome to come to our house.
- [37:41]
A
They can totally come here.
- [37:43]
B
Yeah.
- [37:43]
A
Because then I have control. And so, you know, I wouldn't even.
- [37:48]
B
Use the word control. I have, I feel more protected, you know, of the kids.
- [37:51]
A
Expectations are understood here.
- [37:54]
B
Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and if we're honest, I mean, our expectations and our rules don't change whenever the friends are over either.
- [38:01]
A
Yeah.
- [38:02]
B
You know, our rules of if the friends have girls over and we don't allow food and drinks upstairs, but their friends want to take food and drinks upstairs, the kid's not getting in trouble or our kid is getting in trouble and saying, because they want to be a typical kid said, oh, well, she brought it upstairs. It's, that's, that's fine. But you know the rules in the house. You need to say, hey, we're only allowed to bring water upstairs. We need to eat our snacks down here, you know, so teaching them that it's not just us, we're not going to, like, we're going to have rules in the house and the rules apply to everybody who's coming into the house. So when all the friends come over and all them play, like, we're gonna have so much fun, but like, we still have rules. And I think too, going back to parents, they, they just have so much fear about the kids not liking them or the kids. There's too many rules. We don't have rules to have rules. We have rules to keep everybody safe and to, to survive, I guess, you know, But I think all in all to say is that out of all things parents can do when parenting is that your kids, your kids are not looking for perfect parents. Your kids are not looking for perfect parents. What they're looking for is a united marriage and to have consistency. They want consistency when it comes to the rules. They want consistency when it comes to what mom says, what dad says. It needs to all be united. And that's what's going to make them learn better. It's going to make them accept the rules and the boundaries better. And it just helps, you know, them know that, like, you are a team. And it's going to start, it's, it really starts with that. It starts with the marriage and how are you, how are you parenting together? What are you doing together? Decisions, even if they're opposite, make one together for the family, you know.
- [40:09]
A
Yeah.
- [40:10]
B
We hope that you guys, you know, maybe got some tips out of this little episode here on are you over parenting or under parenting? In that there's no perfect parenting, but strong parents. Strong parenting starts with teamwork.
- [40:26]
A
Yeah. And unified parents raise confidence kids because, I mean, whenever your kids clearly know that your parents are, their parents are on, like, a unified front, it gives, like, safety. And they know, like, where their boundaries lie and whatnot, because, like, their parents are on the same page. And so, you know, that's just, like, one thing. You know, wherever that line may be, wherever that line may end up with you and your spouse, be a unified front because that's just going to bring your kids safety.
- [40:59]
B
Yeah. Anyways, thanks for listening, guys. Hope you enjoyed this episode of More Than Reality Podcasts.
- [41:05]
A
Yep. And we will see you in episode 69. So we love you guys.