Today's Headlines: Kash Patel somehow made the news again — this time for ordering the FBI to open a stalking investigation against the New York Times reporter who revealed he'd assigned four full-time FBI agents and SWAT personnel to chauffeur his girlfriend, country singer Alexis Wilkins, to hair appointments, UK events, and personal errands on the taxpayer dime. The investigation was quietly shut down by remaining normal humans inside the FBI, but the audacity is truly staggering. Speaking of audacity, House Oversight Chair James Comer casually floated the idea of pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell in exchange for her cooperation with the Epstein investigation — the same investigation he's supposed to be running — before adding that he personally thinks it "looks bad," as if that's the bar we're clearing these days. A US soldier was arrested and charged for using classified information about the Nicolas Maduro raid — which he personally participated in — to bet on Polymarket, netting over $400,000 in profits, marking the first indictment of its kind. The DOJ also charged the Southern Poverty Law Center with wire fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering, alleging it secretly paid members of extremist groups including the KKK and Neo-Nazis — the SPLC says those were confidential informants, a practice that dates back to its founding in the 1980s. Over at the Strait of Hormuz, Iran laid mines to block oil tanker traffic, which is both a ceasefire violation and a logistical nightmare since mines take far longer to clear than just stopping the shooting — and when asked about a timeline for ending the war, Trump told reporters "don't rush me, we were in Vietnam for 18 years," a famously great outcome to invoke. On slightly better news, marijuana was reclassified from Schedule I to Schedule III, giving cannabis companies a major tax break and easier access to banking, though federal legalization remains a pipe dream; the Israel-Lebanon ceasefire was extended three more weeks; the Trump administration is reportedly bailing out Spirit Airlines to the tune of $500 million in exchange for a majority government stake (so much for small government); Warner Bros. Discovery shareholders approved Paramount's acquisition while rejecting an $800 million golden parachute for unpopular CEO David Zaslav — non-binding though, so he's probably getting it anyway; and Trump hired his personal pool contractor to redo the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in a color he's calling "American flag blue," because the federally protected historical landmark that is twelve Olympic pools in size apparently just needs a friend from Germany to call it ugly before it gets a makeover.

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