Today's Headlines: Trump's personal aide Natalie Harp — dubbed the "Human Printer" by the Wall Street Journal — follows the president around with a printer for his Truth Social posts and is responsible for his midnight rage posting, including the Obama monkeys video, because no one else on his comms team has any visibility into what goes out at 2am. Trump returned from China having spent most of his time complimenting Xi Jinping's height, claiming Xi promised to stop arming Iran while continuing to buy their oil, getting nowhere on tariffs, and receiving a firm warning to back off Taiwan — which makes 70% of the world's semiconductors — with the one concrete outcome being China agreeing to buy 200 Boeing jets, which sent Boeing's stock down 4% because the market wanted 500. Kash Patel, meanwhile, used an FBI work trip to Hawaii to do a "VIP snorkel" around the USS Arizona at Pearl Harbor where snorkeling is explicitly prohibited, and is separately being reported to have padded the FBI's arrest statistics by adding people to the Most Wanted List right before they're captured. The FDA commissioner resigned after the administration approved blueberry, mango, and menthol flavored vaping pods over his objections, and RFK Jr.'s chief spokesperson quit the next day for the same reason — flavored vapes being, apparently, everyone's line in the sand. On a darker public health note, ProPublica found that the growing MAHA-driven trend of parents rejecting Vitamin K shots for newborns — not a vaccine, just a blood-clotting intervention — has led to a measurable increase in infant deaths from preventable brain bleeds. Two House members have been missing for weeks and are both running for reelection, PCOS has been renamed PMOS because the old name caused decades of misdiagnosis, Stephen Miller's wife is in talks with Paramount for a podcast deal, and King Charles announced the UK will finally prioritize banning conversion therapy, which several prime ministers have promised and never delivered.

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