Today's Headlines: Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry suspended the state's congressional primary elections — which were supposed to start tomorrow — citing the Supreme Court's redistricting ruling as cover to let the Republican-controlled legislature redraw the map first and set a new election date, which will conveniently be a jungle primary where Republicans could theoretically sweep all six of Louisiana's House seats without a single Democrat winning anything. Speaking of elections being quietly dismantled, a previously unknown Jeffrey Epstein suicide note has been sitting sealed in a New York courthouse since his death, discovered by his cellmate and hidden inside a graphic novel written on yellow legal pad paper — the DOJ says it hasn't seen it, the Times says it hasn't seen it, and somehow this is just now coming out. Former AG Pam Bondi finally agreed to testify before the House Oversight Committee about the Epstein coverup, but only after Democrats filed civil contempt charges against her for blowing off her first appearance, and even then she negotiated it down from a sworn deposition to an unsworn interview, which is lawyer for "I can lie more freely." Trump pulled his surgeon general nominee Casey Means — the non-doctor health influencer — after a single Republican senator who is an actual doctor couldn't bring himself to vote for her, replacing her with Fox News contributor and real radiologist Dr. Nicole Saphier, who wrote a book in 2020 called "Make America Healthy Again." Congress passed a spending deal that ended the partial DHS shutdown, funding everything except ICE and Border Patrol for now, which Democrats are calling a win in the same way you call it a win when you only stub one toe. Trump shocked Pentagon officials and European allies alike by spontaneously posting on social media that he's pulling US troops out of Germany — the first anyone on either side of the Atlantic had heard of — possibly triggered by the German Chancellor calling the US "humiliated" by Iran. The Atlantic published a piece called "The Yolo Presidency" reporting that Trump has stopped comparing himself to Washington and Lincoln and has upgraded to Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, and Napoleon,. Disney and ABC told the FCC they won't be renewing their broadcast licenses early, won't be firing Jimmy Kimmel, and are prepared to fight it in court — Kimmel mocked Trump again anyway, and Trump responded by posting that people are "angry" and it "better be soon."

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