Today’s Headlines: Contrary to Trump's victory claims, the New York Times reports Iran has effectively destroyed all 13 American military bases in the Middle East, forcing thousands of troops into hotels and office buildings — while the IRGC publicly urged civilians to report their locations. Iranian-linked hackers also accessed FBI Director Kash Patel's personal Gmail, publishing 300+ emails and his resume. The FBI responded with a $10 million bounty. Handala responded with "this is just our beginning." Zelensky, operating on a completely different level, spent the week signing 10-year defense deals with Saudi Arabia and Qatar — trading Ukrainian drone expertise for Patriot missiles — making himself indispensable to countries caught in a war he's not party to. A Yale study revealed Gazprom and Rosneft helped fund and facilitate the forced relocation of over 2,000 Ukrainian children since 2022, with total abductions estimated closer to 20,000. Republican congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna hosted sanctioned Russian State Duma members in Washington — including someone a colleague described as "pretty sure used to be a KGB agent" — arranged Capitol meetings with four members of Congress, and gave them a building tour. Getting sanctioned Russians into the U.S. requires State Department waivers. Marco Rubio runs the State Department. In other news, Trump's golf habit has now cost taxpayers over $100 million in 14 months. The longest partial government shutdown in U.S. history is ending, with TSA workers funded through May 22nd. The DHS inspector general is investigating Noem and Lewandowski over a pay-to-play scandal involving a billion dollars in GEO Group contracts and a FEMA contractor paid $19,000 a week. AI researchers are warning that models including Claude and Copilot will soon enable cyberattacks current defenses can't handle — Anthropic already disclosed a Chinese state group used AI agents to autonomously hack 30 global targets. Someone briefly edited Google Maps so the White House caller ID showed as "Epstein Island." And 413,000 KitKats vanished from a truck between Italy and Poland, driver included, right before Easter.

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