Today’s Headlines: Trump is reportedly ready to declare victory in Iran and walk away — even if the Strait of Hormuz stays closed — because keeping it open would exceed his preferred timeline. Gas prices with a 4 or 5 as the first digit are the new normal, indefinitely. The U.S. simultaneously sent a third aircraft carrier to the region. Then the IRGC published a target list of 18 American companies — Apple, Google, Microsoft, Meta, Nvidia, Tesla, Oracle, Palantir, Chase, and Boeing among them — with strikes planned starting April 1st, prompting immediate evacuations of employees and anyone within a kilometer of their facilities. January 6th insurrectionists — including a pardoned Proud Boy who threw chairs at officers and a man convicted of child molestation after receiving his pardon — filed an $18 million class action lawsuit against the federal government for excessive force during the insurrection. With the DOJ already paying Babbitt's estate $5 million and Flynn $1.25 million, the math isn't crazy. On transvisibility day, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 to strike down Colorado's conversion therapy ban for LGBTQ minors — a ruling that will overturn similar bans in 20+ states, with Ketanji Brown Jackson the lone dissent. Additionally, the Daily Mail published allegations that Kristi Noem's husband has been living a secret cross-dressing double life. Noem's team says she's "devastated and blindsided." In Shit With Trump's Name On It: a federal judge blocked the $400 million White House ballroom, ruling Trump is the "steward" not the "owner." Palm Beach airport was renamed Donald J. Trump International — the only one named after someone twice impeached and convicted of 34 felonies. Eric Trump unveiled a Miami skyscraper presidential library. A guerrilla art group installed a gold marble toilet on the National Mall with a plaque reading "A Throne Fit for a King." Finally, NASA's Artemis II launches tonight at 6:24pm ET — first lunar mission since 1972, no landing, just a test run for 2028 and an Army Apache was caught hovering over Kid Rock's pool after detouring from a No Kings protest flyover. Kid Rock said they'd be fine because his "buddy is the Commander-in-Chief."

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