Today's Headlines: The Atlantic reported that Pete Hegseth has been feeding Trump a sanitized version of the Iran war while JD Vance and actual military brass warn about depleted missile stockpiles and the reality that Iran isn't opening the Strait of Hormuz over a social media post. Trump responded by posting that Iran told him they're "in a state of collapse" — a claim that appears to have originated entirely in his own head. Iran's actual proposal — a long-term ceasefire with toll collection on the strait and nuclear talks postponed — was called unacceptable by Marco Rubio, though other senior officials hadn't officially rejected it yet. On the energy, the UAE abruptly quit OPEC with one day's notice, saying it wants to sell more oil than the cartel allows — which won't immediately affect gas prices but adds long-term volatility to an already chaotic energy market. Back in Congress, the Senate voted 51-47 to reject legislation requiring Congressional approval before starting a war with Cuba, with John Fetterman joining Republicans to kill it. In case you forgot, King Charles is still here and he addressed Congress with a lovely speech about the environment, Ukraine, NATO, and rule of law — none of which apply to the administration he was visiting — while Epstein survivors held a separate roundtable with Rep. Ro Khanna, since Charles declined to meet with them. Meanwhile, the FCC ordered an accelerated review of Disney's broadcast licenses years ahead of schedule over Jimmy Kimmel's Melania joke, and James Comey was indicted a second time on two charges of threatening the president's life over a beach seashell arrangement spelling "86 47." In other congressional chaos, New Jersey Rep. Tom Kean Jr. hadn't been seen since March 5th before surfacing with a vague statement about a "personal medical issue" — while records show he was actively trading between $50,000 and $190,000 in stocks the entire time. Over in Silicon Valley, Elon Musk took the stand in his own lawsuit against OpenAI and Sam Altman, and separately backed out of his promise to support Rep. Thomas Massie — the only Republican pushing to release the Epstein files — just as Massie faces a Trump-backed primary challenger. And finally, Purdue Pharma was ordered to dissolve itself by end of week as part of its criminal opioid settlement — the company admitted wrongdoing, its owners face zero personal consequences, because of course.

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