Today's Headlines: Trump got a three-hour physical at Walter Reed and posted that everything checked out "PERFECTLY." and is also building a UFC cage on the White House lawn for a $60 million birthday fight with VIP packages at $1.5 million each — because that’s what the people's house needs. On a completely different note, Pope Leo dropped his first encyclical, a 42,000-word document warning the world's 1.4 billion Catholics about AI concentrating power in the hands of a tiny elite, with Anthropic cofounder Christopher Olah participating in the Vatican's formal presentation — and the Pope also issued the first-ever papal apology for the Vatican's role in legitimizing the trans-Atlantic slave trade, framing it as a warning about what AI could recreate. Back to the war nobody can define, the military carried out "self-defense strikes" against Iranian missile sites while Trump posted that negotiations are "proceeding nicely" and a spokesperson insisted they were "using restraint during the ongoing ceasefire" — ok. Meanwhile, New Jersey Senator Andy Kim got pepper sprayed at a protest outside the Delaney Hall ICE detention center after state officials were barred from inspecting conditions that led detainees to organize a hunger strike. Speaking of the administration burying bad news, the DOJ filed motions on the Friday before Memorial Day to dismiss the most serious January 6th seditious conspiracy cases, then one hour later scrubbed all records of January 6th prosecutions from their social media archives, calling them "partisan propaganda." On the redistricting wars, federal judges blocked Alabama's racially gerrymandered map citing "undisputed evidence of intentional racial discrimination," South Carolina's Republicans declined to redraw their maps only because early voting had already started, and Ken Paxton — too corrupt even for most Republicans — won the Texas Senate Republican primary with Trump's endorsement, setting up a general election against Democrat James Talarico.

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