← Most Valuable Agent with Matt Hannaford
Most Valuable Agent with Matt Hannaford
Stop Being the Fixer - How to Truly Empower Your Son's Baseball Career
00:16:33
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All right, guys. So welcome back to another solo episode of the Most Valuable Agent podcast. As I hope you know, I'm your host, Matt Hannaford, and if you've caught my solo episode from last week, then you now understand the importance of communicating your expectations with your son. Right? You understand the ability that you have to articulate those expectations matter. And in today's episode, we're going to take it a step further. We're going to give you so much good information that my goal for today is to really empower you to make a massive impact in your son's journey. Now, the message that I have for you today, while it can apply to both mom and dad, I do feel like it's probably more relevant for. For the dads out there. So, dads, I want to open this thing up by reframing something that we rarely talk about honestly, and that is that your son does not need you to be the hero of his baseball journey. He doesn't need you to play the role of savior. He doesn't need for you to be the fixer. He doesn't need you to be the mastermind. And while I recognize that the initial reaction to that may be shocked, little disappointment, it's not meant to belittle you. It's not meant to make you feel less important. What it will do, though, is I believe it's going to give you the very thing that you probably have been wanting this entire time, and that is to be the effective, most effective piece to the puzzle in really the only way a dad can be. In every real life experience in baseball that I've seen, the hero, he's the one that's stepping up to the plate, right? He's the one who's taking the mound. It's the hero who has to take on the challenge. He's got to face the fear. He's got to deal with the consequences of that success or failure. And no matter how hard you try to help or push or even manufacture success, that role can only be occupied by your son. He's the one something at stake. And trust me when I say this, I understand how much you've invested in this. I understand the amount of money that you've poured into the travel ball programs and the coaches and really everything in between. I understand that hearing this may make you feel frustrated or like, hey, man, you got to explain this, which I'm going to do if you just bear with me. Your son, at the end of the day, he is the one that needs to prove himself. He is the he's the one carrying the weight of this performance every day and the expectations that come along with it from everybody. And like any hero, he's the one who has to deal with the reality of that. Now, externally, what he's doing is he's, you know, navigating all of this competition. He's dealing with the inconsistent roles, the difficult circumstances, right? Be it coaches or otherwise, he's the one who's dealing with the ebbs and flows of the recruiting process and the roller coaster of travel, baseball. And again, don't get me wrong, I know that you're feeling it, too, but at the end of the day, he's the one who feels responsible for the success or the failure of this whole experience. Now, I talked about externally, but internally, and maybe he's not thinking this out loud, but what he's doing is he's wrestling with the pressure to make you dad proud, right? The fear of not measuring up, the fear of frustration. The fear. Not the fear of frustration, but the frustration of feeling like every mistake sets him back and on a deeper level. You know, your son, he yearns for success, right? We all do. He. He needs clarity. Every single young player that I've ever seen, they want to know where they stand, right? What's expected of him and really whether he has the Runway to grow. But not just to grow. Without the judgment around every single corner that comes from you, the judgment from others, look, it's kind of understandable, right? It's a. It's a natural byproduct of really playing at the highest level. But the judgment that comes from you as dad, that can be paralyzing. But here's the thing that. That really, I want you to understand and where things start to get sideways. So out of this love that you carry, out of his experience, out of you wanting the best for him, you start trying to help more than anything. You start trying to feel like, oh, man, I have to pick up the slack. I've got to be the one that runs the show. Now, you may think this is you leading, right? So what happens? You give advice, but it wasn't really the advice that he ever asked for, right? You analyze every single at bat. You know, you point out every correction. Um, you. You don't ask questions, but you. You really pick and prod. And that makes him feel a certain way. You insert yourself into his story. It's not yours to write, not because there's anything wrong with your intention. And I want to make that clear. It has nothing to do with that. Right? I Know that you want the best for him. I believe he knows that you want the best for him. But the truth is, it's not your story, because it can't be. Now, I want to make this clear. This does not make you a bad father. Right? You just think it's the only way. And the result? It's always predictable. When a father steps into that hero role, the one that he shouldn't be occupying, the son usually responds in one of two ways. He either tries to comply, right? Which is super unnatural. And honestly, it. It creates a reliance that he ultimately will have on you far beyond baseball. So he either does that or he rebels. But what he doesn't do is grow. Not because he doesn't want to. He knows that at the end of the day, what he feels inside, that just can't be shared with you. He knows you care. He knows you're trying. But the emotion that's inside of him, it's not yours to carry. So the reality is, you just can't walk in his shoes. It's impossible. So it begs the question, if you're not the hero, well, then what are you? Right? What role is yours to play? And the reality is, it's. It's the only one that you actually can fill, and that is as the guide. Okay? You are the guide, not the hero. He needs you to guide him in a way that helps him become the kind of man who can handle the pressure, who can compete at the highest level, and who can grow on his own. A guide isn't passive. A guide isn't soft. A guide isn't uninvolved. A guide is steady. A guide is trusted. A guide brings clarity without taking over. A guide knows when to speak up and when to listen. Okay? So just think about this. In every great story you've ever heard about a mentor in sports or any movie or film that you've watched and you've heard or seen, a guide. None of them were in the spotlight. None of them controlled the moment or the outcome. But all of them shaped the hero. Every single one. And that's what your son needs from you. A great guide leads with clarity. Not lectures, right? Not pressure. Not constant performance critiques. And I brought this up, so a great guide leads with clarity. Clarity sounds like, hey, son, this is your journey. I'm not here to micromanage it. Clarity sounds like, if you want feedback, I'm going to give it to you. But if you want space, I'm going to give you that, too. A guide provides strength, not noise. A guide Provides perspective, not panic. Right? A guide brings resilience, not resentment. And dads, this is important because being the guide, it doesn't mean being less involved. It means being more intentional about how you show up and really, most importantly, who you show up as. Okay, so let's talk about what this actually looks like in real life. I do want to make sure that you're equipped, and believe it or not, you're actually more equipped than you even realize. And because I want to make this a practical thing, here are the simple ways that you can shift in into that guide role as a dad immediately. Okay? So number one and first and foremost, start by telling your son that this is his baseball path. Start with that. Most dads, and most parents assume that their son already knows that. And again, last week, we talked about this. That's the expectation that's living in your head, okay? What we learned in that episode, though, is when it's not communicated constructively, your son has absolutely no idea what you expect. But what they do know is what they feel from you, right? They feel your investment, the amount of money that this has cost you. They feel your expectations, how you need him to perform in a certain way, right? Saying to him out loud that this is his journey and not yours. What it does is it releases the pressure that your son has been carrying quietly and sometimes even unknowingly. So you need to make your role clear, son. My job is to support you honestly. My job is to support you, not to control this. Okay? It's one sentence, and it makes a huge impact. It tells him he has room to grow. He has room to fail, right? It reinforces that he has room to figure things out. And then what I want you to do is you need to change the way that you communicate. So instead of instructing him, start asking questions. Don't instruct. Ask questions. Things like, what did you learn today? Right? At practice or in a game? Another question is, what are you trying to work on? Right? What's the goal of practice today or the game today? Another question is, do you want feedback or do you just need to decompress? Right. Questions. What they ultimately do is they build a responsibility on his behalf, though, okay? And the questions that I'm talking about, they're not mixed with frustration or resentment. Things like, hey, what are you doing out there on the field? Right. Really critical questions. The questions that I'm talking about, they're from curiosity. A curiosity that's really designed to reinforce the confidence that you want him to have and reinforce the trust that you have in his abilities. Now, on the flip side of that, barking orders or shouting instructions, all that does is it builds dependence, okay? It builds dependence that he's ultimately going to have on you. Now, I've talked about this car ride home story oftentimes on this podcast, and really the effects that those experiences have on the players. It's often the most dreaded and talked about experience for players as they, you know, think about their time at as an amateur. And honestly, if you don't believe me, Even me at 44, I still remember the feeling that I had when I was driving home with my dad from practice as a player, right? These experiences, unfortunately, if they go uncorrected, these things become the moments when most fathers unintentionally lose the very trust they're wanting to build. So the car ride home is not the place for analysis. It's not the place for correction. It's not the place for your frustration to be expressed. The car ride home is not for you to get things off your chest. I want to make that clear. It is the place for stability, to be anchored. The best thing that a dad can do in that moment is simple, son, I like watching you play. That simple thing will change everything. Now, if you hear that and you're thinking that's not really something, I would say this is the time for you to reinforce your support. So go ahead and share with him something about his game that you believe in and that's it. If he wants more in that moment, he's going to ask for it. If he doesn't, he won't. But trust me, you would be amazed by what happens when you stop doing the thing or saying things that he's always been accustomed to. You saying he's going to get in that car for that first time. And his initial reaction is, oh, boy, what's about to happen? When you stop criticizing immediately in those moments and you start supporting him, what you're going to realize is he's actually going to start seeking out your opinion earlier. You'll no longer get that, you know, eye roll immediately upon opening your mouth. Right? Instead, what you're going to get is you're going to get a level of curiosity that is going to get his attention. And that's what you want anyways, right? Right. For him to hear you, for him to understand what you see. Right. For him to seek out what it is that you have to say. But in this moment, instead of him being annoyed, he'll know for the first time, potentially that you've got his back, you, dad, you're solid. And most importantly, he'll now know your approval has nothing to do with the box score. Your approval isn't connected to his performance. Now, let me really, I guess, talk about kind of some of the stakes here. When dads stay in that hero role, what happens is sons, they stop talking, okay? They hide their struggles. They avoid eye contact. They stop listening. They stop taking risks. They start playing scared. And as a result of all of this, the relationship that you guys have becomes performance based instead of trust based. When a dad actually steps into the role of a guide, everything starts to change. The son will start communicating more with his father. The son will start taking ownership. He's going to start competing with. With a freedom that he's never had before. He's going to start developing thicker skin. He's going to become more accountable because he's not afraid of disappointing the one man that he looks up to the most. And this is the environment where young men ultimately grow not just as players, but as people. So here's what I want you to take away from today. Okay? I'm going to summarize everything that I just gave you. First, your son, not you, is the hero of the story, okay? He's got to live it, he's got to learn from it, and he has to grow from it. The second thing is your power as a father does not come from taking over. It comes from letting go and supporting him. From guiding with clarity, with steadiness, and with trust. Okay, so I'm going to say that again. The second thing is your power as a father. It doesn't come from taking over. It comes from letting go and supporting him. From. From guiding with clarity, with steadiness, and with trust. Okay? The third thing, and again, the one simple shift in. In how you can communicate ultimately changes everything. Your words, your presence, your posture. They either build trust or they undermine it. And as someone who has watched this dynamic, and I can't tell you how many times play out over and over again in pro baseball, I'm telling you, the dads who get this right, and trust me, it doesn't just automatically happen the first time, but once they figure it out and they get this down, they. They set their sons up for the success that they've been wanting them to have far beyond the field. And whether your son is, you know, fortunate to live out his dream of playing professional baseball or not, he'll always remember that despite all the stories he hears about other dads, his was different. So today's episode resonated with you. My only wish is that you share it with another dad. This is the only way that we can start to change this culture. Not by taking power away, but by reminding dads just like you that you've got even more power available to you. It just may not be in the places you've ever realized. So, in the next episode, what we're going to do is we're going to continue this. We're going to break down where coaches fit into the story and how the wrong kind of parental involvement in that can actually blow up that relationship, and pretty quickly. So if you don't want to miss that podcast, make sure that you subscribe on my YouTube channel. But until then, I want you guys to remember this. Tell your son this is his journey, and then lead him not as the hero, but as the guide that he actually can trust. Thanks for listening.