← Most Valuable Agent with Matt Hannaford
Most Valuable Agent with Matt Hannaford
Stop Coaching Your Son From the Stands (Do This Instead) | MLB Agent Advice
00:24:50
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- [00:13]
A
All right, everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Most Valuable Agent Podcast. I must say I am excited about today's episode, and the reason being is this is a solo episode, but I am going to be joined by my producer, Mike. He's going to be going over some questions that I have received from a lot of you listeners. And this particular episode is going to be driven and really all about how parents sometimes can be a little too overbearing. And a lot of parents have reached out, really wanting to know, hey, I don't want to be this way. Help me be a better parent. How do I do that, though? And so what we're going to cover today is, is all things that I'm hoping will help you guys be better parents. So, Mike, talk to me, buddy. What do. Walk me through these. These amazing questions that we got.
- [01:00]
B
Yeah, we got some good ones today. So let's. Let's take this first question that we have. This is from a dad in Illinois who played college baseball, and he writes, matt, love the podcast. I played in college, and I see all the things my son needs to fix, but every time I try to help him, he shuts down. My wife says I'm being too hard on him. How do I share what I know without becoming the dad he doesn't want to ride with after games?
- [01:27]
A
Oh, interesting. Yeah. So an episode that may help you that I did was the one where I basically introduced this concept of a lot of parents. They feel like they're the hero of their son's baseball journey. Right. And the reason I'm bringing that episode up right now is because I think as a dad who played college baseball, as you said, who has some insight to give. I think you're. You're looking at this, like, this information that I have to give. If I gave it to him, it would actually improve his circumstances and make him better. And you might be right. But the reality of this is, and I've said this to clients, too, and parents who I advise, I could say the same exact thing as you, the parent. And he'll listen to me, and he won't listen to you. That's just how this goes. Right? I mean, I remember being that way with my father. And so first, what I would encourage you to do is recognize I am not allowed to even give him this insight until I build a safe place for me to talk to him about it with, if that makes sense. Oftentimes, I think what happens is, you know, parents want to do that in the car after a game. I think that's the worst time and the worst place that any dad or mom should try to talk to their son about what they should be doing at the game. Right? There is a time and a place for it, but it's not right after that game, and it's certainly not in the car. And so what I would do is I would look at the next couple weeks or even a month, and you're not going to say anything to him that is constructive criticism. You're not going to say anything to him that it can all be looked upon as though you, like, want to give him feedback. Right. All you're going to do, as much as you can control this for the next month, is to be supportive and to try to be as supportive as possible as often as possible. And I've done this with families before. What ultimately starts to happen is, over a period of time, you now are kind of building up equity in this, like, bank that you have. And there will come a point in time where now your son recognizes, I actually want your opinion. Right? You're not. You're no longer forcing it down my throat. In fact, you're not even giving it to me anymore. And your son, who I imagine is a smart kid, is going to be looking for the opinion now, and he's going to come to you and say, dad, what do you think? And that is your opportunity to give it to him. Now, I will warn you, it is going to feel like in that moment, oh, here's the opportunity. And then you're just going to dump on them as though I've been waiting to talk to you for a month, and then just fill his head with stuff for 30 minutes. That's not the time and the place for that. I think you need to pick your battles. You need to deliver something, maybe the most important thing that you wanted to share with them, and then know that from that point forward, you want to continue doing it. You want to continue to be positive and wait for him to come to you and say, all right, dad, what do you think? And then you give him some more. That's the only way I've ever seen it work successfully. The alternative to that is to not do what I'm suggesting and really kind of continue to do a combination of what you've already been trying to do and maybe just talk louder, talk more harshly, and basically say to him, well, you're gonna figure it out, or you're not, but it's not my problem anymore. And then what does that do in your relationship? Right? It's not you're not solving anything. And so another episode that's coming to mind is the one that I did with Johan Martinez Kalilian, where we did talk about the relationships with fathers and how even to a major league player right now in the big leagues that I represent, even to him, he's still experiencing this residual effect of how his dad and him communicated when he was 13, 14, 15 years old. And this is somebody who has experienced a career that is like a dream, but he still has this difficulty communicating with his father. And so I would assume you don't want that for yourself. You don't want that for your relationship with your son. And so my. My. My advice would be what I. What I shared. So hopefully that that's helpful.
- [05:38]
B
Yeah, and. And I think it's something that comes to mind is that episode you did with Kurt Suzuki and his son Kai. And one of the things that. That comes to mind, at least for me, when I'm hearing you talk, Matt, is, you know, this isn't just applied to dads who have played college baseball and want their son to be, you know, follow in their footsteps. This. This has to apply to some of your major league clients. In your experience, how do guys in the major leagues handle this with their kids wanting them to be successful at baseball? Is there some correlation? Is there some sort of similarities that you see?
- [06:14]
A
No. So what's interesting is most of the fathers that I know who have kids that are now playing travel baseball or even like Little League, if they're even younger, they do the opposite of what dads do who didn't play Pro Bowl. And what I mean by that is they oftentimes don't offer advice or constructive criticism or guidance in what they should be doing, really ever, to the point where the kid naturally is like, what do I do, dad? And so their relationship is so different because of it. They look to their father like, help me become a better player, dad. You have something to give me. And what we see most of the time with, with dads who didn't play pro ball is the exact opposite. I need to tell you what to do. And the kids like pushing back, saying, and I don't want to hear it, so think about that. Like, why. Why is. Why is a kid seeking out one dad and he's not the other? Now you may say, well, it's because that dad played professional baseball. Yeah, but why is that dad not feeling like he even has this information to share? Like, that is something that I believe it comes from. It comes from the dad who's saying, hey, son, like you're either going to do this or you're not. You're going to love it or you're not. But how bad do you want it? Right? It, it comes from a, a much more. One dad has an open hand and the other has a closed fist. If that analogy makes sense. And you want to be the dad that has the open hand. Yeah.
- [07:36]
B
All right. Second question that we have is from a mom in New Jersey and she writes, matt, my son is 15 and he really used to love baseball. Now it feels like he's only playing because we've invested so much money and time. I don't want to force him to keep playing, but I also don't want him to quit something that he'll regret later in life. How do you tell the difference between a kid who's burned out and a kid who's actually done?
- [08:01]
A
Yeah. So I wish more parents actually asked this question, even if they're not necessarily seeing signs of burnout in their son. I think it's really important that parents ultimately kind of know these, these triggers or these signs. The first thing I will say is I appreciate what you're saying. As far as not wanting him to quit, I, I agree. I think if it depends on the circumstances, if your son has agreed to play for a particular program for, let's just say this one season, right? This 15 year old season and he wants to quit in the middle. Like, I disagree with that. I think if, if your son has given his commitment that he needs to see that commitment through at least through the rest of that season, right? And then after that, reevaluate. Now my advice to you though would be, I think you need to have a conversation with your son and it, it can't be full of emotion. It can't be after he said something to you after a bad game and he's just like, you know, really frustrated. And so he says, you know, I don't even know why I'm doing this. I want to quit. Like, that's not the moment that you need to pull him aside and say, well, let's have this conversation. Do you want to quit? No. I think you need to pick a moment where he is unemotional and maybe he's doing something unrelated to baseball and ask him and, and create a space where like you can get him to be honest with you. And I would just tell him, like, listen, son, I want you to play baseball because you want to play baseball. I want you to play baseball because you love playing baseball. I don't want you to play baseball because I want you to do it right. I want you to do what, like I'm gonna enjoy do. Watching you do whatever it is that you enjoy. So it just so happens that it's been baseball. But if that's different for you now, just, I. I want you to know that you can be honest with me. I. I think that is a completely acceptable question to ask your son, but I would encourage you to kind of create that. That space for him to be honest. If. If you approach him in a manner where, you know, it's. It's met with frustration, disappointment, or judgment, then maybe he's giving you an answer where he's trying to, like, outsmart you in some way, even though he's not going to be able to. He's going to, oh, you know, you know, I want to play. But he's only saying that because he knows that you've invested all this money. Right. And so I think it just requires you acknowledge. Listen, son, have we invested this money in this? Yes. But does that mean that I want you to continue playing something that you don't ultimately love merely because I've invested this money? No. I would rather you tell me now that it's not something that you want to do so that we can stop investing money in it and maybe do something different together. Right. So I. I think that. I think a lot of the problems in travel, baseball, a lot of the problems that. That ultimately I deal with with my clients, a lot of those things are solved by an open line of communication with the kid. Don't make assumptions. It's totally fine to speak to your husband about it or to speak to your wife about it and to get on the same page. But once you've done that, I think you do need to address, you know, this with your son, and ultimately, you're going to get a ton of clarity that is. Is going to give you the answer that you're ultimately looking for.
- [11:22]
B
All right, and then the final question we have today is from a dad in Tennessee, and he writes, hey, Matt, after a bad game, I don't say anything in the car to my son. I wait until the next day, but my son still says I make it weird because he can tell I'm disappointed even when I don't say a word. How do you actually hide it? Or should I not even try to hide it?
- [11:45]
A
Yeah, I'm laughing because I can hear that conversation happening. Funny enough, I actually had that experience with my own father where he, He. He did it so Often that he's like, fine, I'm not going to do it now. But I look at him and you can see like, oh, he's pissed. And he's. What do you want to say to me? Like, I just know I could tell you want to say something to me. So this a little bit like the first question, I think, or at least my answer is going to be a little bit like it. I think at the end of the day, there. There obviously is a time and a place to have this conversation. And I do agree, and I actually appreciate that you're not doing it right after the game, in the car on the way home. But I think instead of merely like, oh, well, I'm going to do it the next day then, like, he's going to figure out that. He's going to figure out like, okay, he's not going to talk to me now, but he's going to talk to me the second day. And so my advice would be the same as that first question is I think what you need to do is you need to just make him realize that it's not your role to teach him how to play baseball. That's his coach's role. It's not your role to teach him how to make adjustments from the game that he just had. And it feels like it as a parent, because you're paying for it, right? And so when we're exchanging a service for money, we think we have the right to get our money's worth. And so I think we treat it the same way with our kids, right? I need to get my money's worth. I paid for this. So you're going to listen to me, right? But the reality of it is, is your son, he's not looking at it that way. He's looking for you, mom and dad to just be supportive. He wants to believe that you're paying for it because you love him, not because you're getting anything out of it. Right? And so I think it would help you if, if you looked at it from that perspective, if you know that your son is really thinking that you're paying for this because you love him, he's not really looking at you as somebody who needs to give him the advice on baseball. So whether you wait a day doesn't mean anything to him. He doesn't care. It's really the intention. And so again, my advice in the first question being the same now, it's. I think what you need to really do is you need to completely change your mindset and say, okay, how Do I just support my son? How do I. And look, you can be a father in other areas, right? If he has chores to do and he's not doing his chores. I'm not suggesting that you can't talk to him about that. I'm saying as it relates to baseball, you need to be supportive and you need to completely change the mindset that he has around who you are in his baseball journey. Okay. Once you've cleaned that up and you've now built a different role, then wait for him to have that question asked, which is, all right, dad, what do you think? And if he doesn't ever ask the question, there is no amount of you telling him that is going to change the thing that you want to change for him. It's not happening. And so that would be my advice for you. It's a little philosophical, maybe a little bit for. For people listening, but pretty clear to me that that is. That is the root of the problem here. It's. It's not. I need to pick a better time to tell him. It's. I've got to completely change how my son is looking at what my role is in his baseball journey. And the way to do that is through support and not even giving him the thing that I so badly want to tell him. You want to do one more? Sure.
- [15:32]
B
All right. Yeah. I think this might be a good question for us to cap off the episode today. So this comes from a stepdad in Virginia who writes, hey, Matt, I came into my stepson's life when he was 12. He's 16 now, and he's really talented, but his biological dad coached him growing up. And I don't want to overstep. I go to every single game, but I never give baseball advice. And his mom says he actually wants me to be more involved. What's the right way to step into that role without it feeling forced? That's a. That's a good question.
- [16:04]
A
That's a great question. Yeah. Yeah. So first off, and this is going to be maybe a little controversial because I don't ever want to give. Well, it's advice, so I'm not telling you what to do, but my advice would be the what the mom is telling you. I. I would. I would caution you there because I'm wondering through what intention the mom may be giving the advice without knowing this person. I don't know if it's. I'm tired of my ex husband being the one that is able to communicate with my son about baseball. You need to step up and you need to be the like, is there a personal thing there that is maybe getting in the way of better judgment? Right. Like that. That's what I would wonder. And so I would, I would encourage. I would encourage you, the stepfather, to do the same thing that I just described in the question before, which is, as a parent of any fashion, stepfather, biological father, I think we ultimately need to realize what our role actually is in this. Right. It is to support our kids. It is not to be the baseball coach. If you're the dad and the baseball coach, well, then you have the role of both. But if you're the dad and you're not the baseball coach, I would caution you, do not put the. The coach hat on. It's never going to end well. And so for the stepfather, I think it's an amazing opportunity actually to be this supportive figure, not to be the one that's overbearing. And maybe the biological father is now this overbearing guy. So what do you think happens if now you add to that? First off, I would assume that. That the father, the biological father is going to have a problem with it, but then also, is the kid going to have a problem with it as well? You're not my real dad. Right. That's where these things start happening. And so I would actually look at it like an opportunity for you to play a more supportive role by intentionally not talking to him about the baseball stuff. And I would imagine when you're that way, he will also seek out your advice and your opinion. Maybe it's, hey, what event should I go to? What do you think? And I certainly would encourage you to, like, do your own homework and make sure that you're educated no different than your job. Right. You want to be prepared so that when questions are asked, you actually have some insight to give. I'm not saying be disinterested, but be interested in a way where when that question is asked, if it's asked, you can be that really supportive figure that has a ton of good insights. And I think that'll only encourage the kid to ask you more and more often.
- [18:42]
B
And what about for, you know, because I'm sure you've seen this too, where it's like, you get a really talented kid and then you have multiple parents, both the mom and dad, or even a step parent want to get involved in coaching the kid in addition to all of the coaches that are on the travel ball team. You know, is it, is it too many cooks in the kitchen for a kid that's talented to have mom, dad, Stepdad, stepmom, kids coach, bench coach, all of them get involved in the kids development. Is that doing more harm than good?
- [19:15]
A
Yeah, I mean, I would say, of course it is. I think the higher you go, obviously there's more coaches. Right. You know, I think. And by my. My view on this is based on experience of having seen how these things typically play out when various parents try to, and I'm going to say overstep their bounds. That may sound funny because I don't know if a parent can ever overstep their bounds. But in this instance, what I mean by that is you have to be thinking about what is best for this for your son, what is best for this individual player. Right? If. If you're somebody who is a parent and you're not a coach, then be a parent, don't be a coach. And I mean, look, I think one of the. One of the biggest challenges right now is these parents, they'll see, let's just say, a travel baseball coach who has a certain amount of insight, right? And let's assume that this travel baseball program or the coach that I'm talking about is pretty advanced in what their understanding is of the game. Maybe they played pro ball, maybe they play college baseball. They've been a coach for 20 years. They've been a travel baseball coach for 15, and they're very successful, right? And so this parent is looking at this travel baseball coach, and they're revering this coach. They think that he walks on water. Everything he says is great. And then this. This parent looks at this high school coach, and the high school coach naturally, maybe didn't play pro ball, doesn't have the experience. Um, and because of that, maybe the high school coach is a little insecure and feels like, well, this parent doesn't respect me, and so I need to demand respect. And so my way to demand respect is to put my foot down and to have certain demands of this family and this son that are a little ridiculous, right? Like, this happens all the time. And so what I. What I'm envisioning is this parent in this instance, really coming down not on the travel ball coach, because that coach walks on water, but on the high school coach. And telling the high school coach, you don't know what you're talking about. This is stupid. You're a moron. Waste of our time. We should change schools. And what I'm suggesting is, I'm not saying that you're wrong, that the coach doesn't know what they're talking about. I mean, it sounds like, there are instances there where, yeah, that coach probably doesn't know as much as your high school or your travel ball coach. But I think that you need to think about it through the lens of, well, what is. What does your son want? Right. If your son wants to play for this program, then you have to figure out a way how to coexist. Right? And I'm not suggesting that there aren't conversations that need to be had, and I'm not suggesting that there aren't things that need to be done, but I think it will benefit everybody if we first just acknowledge. Let's. Let's get clear with the facts, right? If your son, on the other hand, actually doesn't want to play for that coach, well, then, yeah, you can have a conversation with them and you can choose to go a different direction, but to live in a world where your son wants to be there and you just don't like the coach and don't think he's any good. And so you're going to spend every waking minute voicing this frustration to the detriment of your son, his relationship with the coach, and the whole experience. I think that that is a lot of wasted time. There are plenty of things that need to be done throughout the course of that relationship, but the worst thing that could be done is you as a parent, feeling like, actually, you're the coach, you should be the one that tells him what to do as far as the training goes. Or. No, I mean, you need to be clear. And then once you're clear with the coach on what you believe your son needs to do, then if. If that coach doesn't hold up his end of the bargain or do what he says he's going to do, then you've got to decide, do you want to leave the program or do you want to stay? And so I know I got into the weeds there a little bit, Mike, but I think those. Those experiences oftentimes are solved by just being more logical through it. And it's not that there's this, like, perfect solution all of the time. Sometimes the advice is you got to bite your tongue, right? You chose to stay at the program. Maybe you didn't want to, Maybe your son talked himself into it, but you chose to stay there. And so this is what you've accepted, right? You've made your own bed, now you got to sleep in it. And so I. I definitely recommend being aware of that and not being delusional, but just accepting it. And then the minute you have an opportunity to change that decision and maybe go to a different program, then take it, because the next year, it's not going to get any better.
- [24:03]
B
All right. That's all we got.
- [24:04]
A
Cool. Well, everybody, I want to thank you again for joining us here. As you know, as I've said before many times, our goal here is we want to make stronger players, smarter players, rather, and stronger families. And I hope that this episode has certainly done that for you today. So if you enjoyed the podcast, please, like, please subscribe. It certainly makes a difference. And share this episode. Send it to other parents who you feel like could benefit from listening to it as well. And, yeah, that's all we got for you today. So until next time, we appreciate you. And, yeah, we'll see you again.