Murder, Mystery & Makeup: The BDSM Texts That Exposed a Killer — The Elaine O’Hara Case

Host: Bailey Sarian
Date: October 7, 2025
Format: Podcast Exclusive (Audio Only)

Overview

Bailey Sarian delves into the chilling murder of Elaine O’Hara in Dublin, Ireland—a case that exposed the dangerous misuse of BDSM relationship dynamics and became Ireland’s first high-profile conviction using phone metadata. With her signature mix of true-crime storytelling and conversational tone, Bailey unpacks Elaine’s struggles with mental health, her search for intimacy in online fetish forums, and how a seemingly “normal” architect’s hidden desires turned deadly.

Episode Breakdown

1. Discovery of Evidence (00:00–01:55)

• Two fishermen at Vartry Reservoir uncover a cache of restraints, handcuffs, a gag, blindfold, and knife.
• These items are "tools of control, tools of violence," signaling the start of an investigation into Elaine O’Hara’s disappearance.

Quote:
“These aren't the kind of things that just happen to end up in a lake. These are tools of control, tools of violence.” — Bailey (01:15)

2. Elaine O’Hara: Background & Mental Health Struggles (01:56–10:00)

• Elaine was a 36-year-old childcare assistant in Dublin, still reeling from childhood bullying and depression.
• Admitted to psychiatric care (St. Edmundsbury Hospital) 14 times in 20 years.
• Long sessions with the famous Dr. Anthony Clare, who diagnosed her with depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD).
• BPD is explained as a condition with “overwhelming emotions, struggles with fears of abandonment, and unstable relationships, even while deeply wanting love and connection.” (03:47)
• Elaine’s mother died in 2002, worsening her depression; her mentor Dr. Clare died in 2007 (04:45–05:55).
• Elaine turned to the internet in 2008, finding community in online BDSM spaces.

Quote:
“Elaine just wanted to be loved, but also really struggled with her, like, sense of self.” — Bailey (04:06)

3. The Role of BDSM in Elaine’s Life (10:00–13:30)

• Elaine’s interest in BDSM started young; she joined sites like alt.com and FetLife as "Chained Brunette" and "help me learn 36F."
• Bailey distinguishes healthy BDSM (focused on consent and safety) from exploitative interactions.
• Elaine’s openness made her vulnerable to predatory individuals in online spaces.

4. Elaine’s Disappearance (13:31–20:00)

• August 2012: Elaine was reportedly excited to volunteer at the Tall Ships Festival.
• Timeline: Visited cemetery with her father, last seen by neighbor and a jogger near the cemetery.
• Her car was found at the cemetery; police presumed suicide due to her history.
• For over a year, no body or evidence surfaced; the case became cold.

Quote:
“There was no body, there was no evidence, there was no signs of foul play. To investigators and to everyone, it just seemed like a tragic ending for a woman who had, like, fought her mental health demons for a long time.” — Bailey (18:30)

5. Case Reopened: Remains and Evidence Recovered (20:01–32:15)

• August 2013: A dog walker discovers bones in the Dublin mountains. Forensic identification later confirms they’re Elaine’s.
• Almost simultaneously, fishermen find BDSM gear and related items in Vartry Reservoir.
• Items include loyalty card, glasses, rucksack, and two Nokia phones—one confirmed as Elaine’s.
• Forensic IT recovers thousands of text messages despite the phones being underwater.

Quote:
“Even though these phones were underwater for over a year, forensic teams were able to recover thousands of text messages. You remember those Nokia cell phones? They were bricks. You could not destroy those things.” — Bailey (29:55)

6. The Text Messages: Unveiling the Killer (32:16–38:20)

• The texts reveal a sadistic, manipulative dynamic:
  • “If you ever want to die, promise me I can do it.”
  • “It's your fault I want to kill and you won't let me stab you.”
• Police trace messages, metadata, photos back to Graham Dwyer—a married architect.
• Dwyer was respected, had a family, but harbored violent sexual fantasies, even writing detailed stories and photoshopping images of dead women.

Quote:
“On paper, Graham Dwyer looked like the kind of man who had it all... He was also active on websites like Alt.com and FetLife.com where he went by usernames Architect72 and fetish boy. I feel like Architect72 is kind of giving yourself away there, boy…” — Bailey (35:12)

7. The Relationship: Manipulation and Escalation (38:21–45:44)

• Dwyer began communicating with Elaine in 2008; the relationship included off-and-on sexual encounters and the use of "master and slave phones."
• He exploited Elaine's insecurities, suicidal tendencies, and trust to groom her into his victim.
• Ominous messages days before her death detail his dark intentions:
  • “We go into the woods, I take off your clothes, stab you, bury you, and leave your clothes in the car near the sea… make it look like she drowned.”

Quote:
“He was feeding her insecurities and suicidal thoughts and slowly grooming her into the role of, like, his ultimate victim.” — Bailey (37:28)

8. Police Investigation and Arrest (45:45–52:10)

• Police collect Dwyer’s DNA from his garbage; matches sample from Elaine’s apartment.
• Diving deeper into his online activity, they find disturbing videos—one showing him cutting Elaine and suffocating her (uploaded as "sex play").
• Phone metadata and CCTV (showing a man matching Dwyer carrying a rucksack) further connect him.
• Dwyer was arrested at his home in October 2013; confessed to sexual involvement on the fourth interview, but denied the murder, claiming it was all roleplay.

9. The Trial: Landmark Use of Digital Evidence (52:11–01:03:54)

• January–March 2015: Dwyer’s trial relies heavily on phone metadata—a first in Ireland.
• Jury reviews nearly 200 witnesses, thousands of messages, and dark writings from Dwyer's computer.
• Defense: Everything was consensual, roleplay, no DNA conclusively tying him at crime scene.
• Dwyer’s wife, Gemma, testifies; she claims no knowledge of her husband’s double life.

Quote:
“I was like, ooh, what’d she have to say? She was obviously deeply disturbed by her husband's secret life... everything was just normal to her.” — Bailey (57:23)

• Dwyer writes to his wife from jail:
  • “They had no evidence on him except his name and phone number from that, quote, awful girl's diary.”
  • He urges her to support him and claims the police are framing him.

10. The Verdict and Aftermath (01:03:55–01:10:44)

• After seven and a half hours of deliberation, the jury finds Dwyer guilty; he's sentenced to life in prison.
• The case is a legal milestone in Ireland—first major conviction extensively using phone metadata.
• Dwyer’s defense appeals, arguing metadata collection was illegal; Supreme Court upholds his conviction in 2024.

Quote:
"When the guilty verdict came out, you know, it finally gave Elaine's family some answers, but, you know, it didn't really bring them peace..." — Bailey (01:07:10)

• Dwyer supposedly received love letters from fans while imprisoned, but this eventually stopped, bruising his ego.

11. Broader Reflections & Final Thoughts (01:10:45–End)

• Bailey reflects:
  • “Killers don’t always look like villains. Sometimes they’re the ones with stable jobs, a beautiful home, family photos on the mantel... you’d never think twice about them.”
• She expresses suspicion that Elaine’s case may not have been Dwyer’s only crime due to his calculated concealment.
• Concludes with a reminder to value consent, safety, and intuition, especially in vulnerable situations.

Quote:
“At the end of the day, the tragedy of Elaine o' Hara is that she was a woman who just wanted to be loved, understood and accepted, just searching for a connection. Instead, she crossed paths with someone who saw her vulnerability as a doorway to his own darkest desires.” — Bailey (01:12:50)

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 01:15 | Bailey | “These aren't the kind of things that just happen to end up in a lake. These are tools of control, tools of violence.” | | 04:06 | Bailey | “Elaine just wanted to be loved, but also really struggled with her, like, sense of self.” | | 29:55 | Bailey | "Even though these phones were underwater for over a year, forensic teams were able to recover thousands of text messages. You remember those Nokia cell phones? They were bricks. You could not destroy those things." | | 37:28 | Bailey | “He was feeding her insecurities and suicidal thoughts and slowly grooming her into the role of, like, his ultimate victim.” | | 57:23 | Bailey | “I was like, ooh, what’d she have to say? She was obviously deeply disturbed by her husband's secret life... everything was just normal to her.” | | 01:07:10 | Bailey | “When the guilty verdict came out, you know, it finally gave Elaine's family some answers, but, you know, it didn't really bring them peace...” | | 01:12:50 | Bailey | “At the end of the day, the tragedy of Elaine o' Hara is that she was a woman who just wanted to be loved, understood and accepted, just searching for a connection. Instead, she crossed paths with someone who saw her vulnerability as a doorway to his own darkest desires.” |

Key Takeaways

• The O’Hara case was solved by perseverance, luck, and the digital traces left behind—crucially, through recovery of "indestructible" Nokia phones.
• This murder redefined how digital evidence (especially metadata) can build a legal case in Ireland.
• Dwyer’s careful concealment and manipulation exemplified how dangerous predators can hide in plain sight.
• The case is a stark warning about the intersection of vulnerability, fetish subcultures, online anonymity, and predatory behavior.

Final Note

Bailey closes with compassion for Elaine and her family, a little gallows humor, and a reminder to listeners:
“Please be safe out there, especially with your sexual encounters. Make sure it’s consensual, okay? And you make good choices, all right?” (01:15:40)