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Karen Kilgariff
This is exactly right. Hey, this is U.S. olympic gold medalist Tara Davis Woodhull.
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Karen Kilgariff
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Karen Kilgariff
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Georgia Hardstark
What do you have to lose?
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Karen Kilgariff
There's a fire inside you you can't ignore. Stand still.
Georgia Hardstark
Not a chance.
Karen Kilgariff
You're a lifelong learner who's come this far.
Georgia Hardstark
Now we are here to help you keep going further.
Karen Kilgariff
Capella University.
Georgia Hardstark
What can't you do?
Karen Kilgariff
Visit Capella. Edu to learn more. My fav. Hello and welcome to my favorite Murder the Minisode, where we read you your stories. It's email time. You want to start?
Georgia Hardstark
Sure. Okay.
Karen Kilgariff
One of our fakest intros to I don't know. Yeah, we're just trying to get it done.
Georgia Hardstark
We are. And we. We are. And we will. And we have. Okay, I'm not gonna read you the title. Hi, all. My sister introduced me to your podcast just after I'd had a baby who is now a whole second grader.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh, shit.
Georgia Hardstark
So thank you for keeping me entertained through stroller walks. I usually listen with headphones. Of course, I didn't want her first word to be murder. I recently heard the hometown story about the girl who worked at a spirit Halloween and found a squatter's apartment in the building. Remember that? No, it's not good. Let's get it back.
Karen Kilgariff
Holy shit.
Georgia Hardstark
And it reminded me that I actually have my own story to share. One summer during college, I worked in the dorms at Oregon State University doing maintenance, cleaning, small repairs and linen changes for conference Groups using the dorms as hotels. There was an old dorm just off campus called the College inn, built in 1966 and closed in 2002. This story takes place in 2003. They planned to tear it down and build new apartments, but in the meantime, it was abandoned. Our maintenance crew was told to go inside to retrieve trash cans because obviously that was more important than our safety. So, like, it's abandoned, it's dilapidated, it's getting torn down, and they're like, go.
Karen Kilgariff
In there and we need those old rubber trash cans, right? They're expensive.
Georgia Hardstark
The building was deteriorating, creepy and fascinating all at once. The big 60s style lobby was full of leaves and broken glass, and most of the rooms had been trashed by squatters. I fucking love abandonment porn. It's my favorite. Some had graffiti or strange stories written on the walls. Others still had belongings left behind, like a sleeping bag and a letter from someone in prison. In one lounge, we found almost all the building's furniture stacked together and sprayed with a fire extinguisher. It hadn't been on fire. Apparently someone was just having a chaotic good time. As we explored, I started noticing small black stars drawn on the walls. I followed them, realizing they formed a trail like breadcrumbs. Eventually, the stars ended, and when I turned around, I realized I was standing across from the roof access door. So naturally, I went up to the roof. It was a seven story building, so the view was amazing. When I turned back toward the door, I noticed writing on it. It said, welcome to the Ninja Cafe. Underneath there was a list of rules. Mostly things like don't tell anyone about the cafe, don't throw things off the roof, and donate tea and coffee. That's when it hit me. All the furniture we'd found in the lounge had probably been part of a rooftop hangout. A squatter cafe. We finished grabbing the trash cans and were back out at our van when the supervisor got a call from her boss. She was warning us not to go in the building, but my supervisor was confused and said we had already finished. We could hear her boss yelling through the phone, there is someone in the building. And my supervisor's face went white. Turns out someone was in the building with us the whole time. A passerby had reported seeing a flashlight moving around in the basement before we got there. But the warning didn't reach us in time. Nightmare Fuel. Ssdgm and don't talk about the Ninja Cafe. Chantal.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh, shit.
Georgia Hardstark
I just love abandoned building stories so much. And there was someone in there, like following them around the whole time.
Karen Kilgariff
So there was like a rear window view that some neighbor had of like, the kids are here trying to find garbage cans and there's the bad guy.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah.
Karen Kilgariff
Okay, here's my first one. I'm not gonna read you the subject line. It says, hi Karen, Georgia and the stellar MFM team. I'm currently listening to episode 475. And then in parentheses it says, yes, I know I'm behind, but I'm embracing being the day one listener who started late and is still catching up. You were talk working the till and having it come up incorrect at the end of the night. And I just had to write in. My first job many years ago was at the local Hallmark store. Think Beanie Baby Fights and Precious Moments and Willow Tree Angel Collectibles Madness. One night I got scammed by a quick change artist and thought for sure I was going to lose my job. Did this ever happen to you?
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah, for sure.
Karen Kilgariff
A man came in and made a purchase which he paid for with a hundred dollar bill. I used our fancy marker that detects counterfeit bills. How a marker does that? I have no idea. The $100. But he asked for specific bills as change and then he asked for different bills and then wait, never mind. $5 bills instead of 10. And my poor little 15 year old brain just kept making change, not even registering that he wasn't exchanging all of it as we traded bills. That happened to me. I watched it happen to people.
Georgia Hardstark
That happens for any like teenager or like early 20s if you have a till job. Yeah, because you get scammed because you're so naive looking and you don't know.
Karen Kilgariff
And those people are slick as hell. You just do not. They're so nice to you. Like they scam you so good you don't know anything happening. Okay, so cut to the end of the night. As we were closing up, the till was short. Somewhere in the neighborhood of $250.
Georgia Hardstark
Holy shit. I was gonna say like 20 bucks. Cause like really you can only get 20 bucks out, but if you keep.
Karen Kilgariff
Doing it, you just kept doing it.
Mint Mobile Advertiser
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Karen Kilgariff
While not much money for a Hallmark at the time, 250 in the year 2000 is what in today's money?
Georgia Hardstark
Karen, Georgia, don't tell me. 250 in the year 2000 in today's money is. Wait, $250 is $600.
Karen Kilgariff
Close. $500. Oh, very close. I thought, this is it. I'm screwed. I'm fired from my first job at the age of 15. I will never work again. Thankfully My boss had also been working that night and was very understanding. I worked there for another year or so and I was very diligent about making change from that day forward.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah, you never, it never happens to you twice.
Karen Kilgariff
Yes, well. Cause it's so obvious. Like you feel so stupid. Thankfully, it hasn't impacted any career moves. Like I was convinced it was going to. Stay sexy and count the change. Melissa. Oh yeah, keep your eye peeled for those. Can you break this? Hold on, Wait. It's them. They start changing their mind. You know what?
Georgia Hardstark
Give me, you know, give me, give me back that five and give me five ones and then I'll give you this. Yeah, fuck you. No questions.
Karen Kilgariff
Yeah, that's the rule. No questions.
Georgia Hardstark
No questions.
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Georgia Hardstark
What do you have to lose?
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Georgia Hardstark
Okay, Klepto cats Have feelings too. Hi, new listener here, and I wish I discovered you long ago. The minisodes give me life. After the first one I listened to, I knew I had just the story for you. Anywho, when I was younger, my family had a cat named Bo Diddles. He was the best cat who didn't really know how to cat. He had a bunch of extra toes, so it looked like he always wore mittens. It was his lifelong dream to one day climb a tree, but he just couldn't figure it out. He would make it about four feet up the tree and then freeze, not knowing how to proceed or abort. He would just look at my dad as if to say, a little help here. And my dad would have to go detach him from the tree trunk and place him back on the ground. This was a repeat occurrence. He was also afraid of birds. If the birds were eating from his food dish, he would sit next to the dish and cry until the birds had their fill and left. And then he would proceed to eat whatever they were gracious enough to leave behind.
Karen Kilgariff
Where's this cat from, Mars?
Georgia Hardstark
Where they're all from? Beau Diddles did have a secret talent, though. Stealing. He would steal anything that he could carry away in his mouth. Stolen items included writing utensils, my dad's small shop tools, my mom's wedding ring, and the little plastic caps that covered the screws at the bottom of the toilet.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's perfect.
Georgia Hardstark
This thievery went on for years. One Christmas, my grandparents came to visit for a few days. My grandma did like animals, but she preferred to like them from afar. She never wanted to touch them and definitely didn't want them sitting or laying on her. This distant attitude towards cats just didn't jive with Bo diddles. On the early morning of Christmas Eve, my grandma awoke on her back to find everything Bo Diddles had ever stolen over the years piled on top of her chest. All caps, everything. Sitting calmly on my grandma's belly and looking straight into her eyes was Bo Diddles staring as if to say, we good. It was a peace offering, we think. In the end, we got back everything that was ever stolen, and my mom thankfully got her wedding ring back. We never did find out where he had been hiding his loot. So this shit had been gone forever.
Karen Kilgariff
Like he had it squirreled away somewhere. And he finally was like, you know what, grandma?
Georgia Hardstark
Tonight's the night I'm gonna give it back to you. Spent the entire night back and forth leaving the cat. Like, I would be so honored but of course it wouldn't happen to me because I'd be like.
Karen Kilgariff
She'd be like, hi, what's going on?
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh, where. Where was it hidden?
Georgia Hardstark
And why her? What was it about her? This. She have a scent? What do we gotta do?
Karen Kilgariff
I was just gonna say that she must have smelled real good. Yeah. Cod liver oil, something like that.
Georgia Hardstark
That remains a mystery to this day. Bo Diddles was one of a kind and just the sweetest little thieving punk one could ask for. Hope you enjoyed the story. Don't get murdered and all that. Franny.
Karen Kilgariff
Franny, what type of cat did you picture Bo Diddles to be?
Georgia Hardstark
Black and white?
Karen Kilgariff
I did a gray and black tiger stripey ones.
Georgia Hardstark
Oh, like tabby. That's what Molly is. Yeah.
Karen Kilgariff
Yes, exactly. Cause I feel like those guys love to carry stuff in their mouth and.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah, black and white cats are like, famously stupid, though, in a really great way. I feel like that could be the. Like, I see a black. A large black and white cat, but.
Karen Kilgariff
Smart enough to get a real good height in tail.
Georgia Hardstark
Totally. Yeah, you're right. Okay.
Karen Kilgariff
I would have loved to seen that pile.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah, just a pile on her chest.
Karen Kilgariff
So good. Okay. It says family treasure. Hi, Karen and Georgia. I hope you're well. I'm a longtime listener, second time writer, hoping now we've opened the floor to stories you get asked to tell or similar, that this story can now be a viable submission. So we open the floor to stories you get asked to tell.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah, I feel like that sounds familiar where it's like when you get to the party, if you like, tell them the story about the da. Da, da.
Karen Kilgariff
Yeah, that's it.
Georgia Hardstark
I have those that, like, people ask me and I'm like, I can't tell it. Vince has to tell it. It's better from him.
Karen Kilgariff
You know, he knows how to set it all up. Yeah. So I got engaged on Boxing Day 2023. Very exciting. And I was thrilled with my ring. My now husband laughed and said, I hope so, because apparently it was one of the many links I'd sent him.
Georgia Hardstark
Oh, I did that. I did that on Ambien. Sent to Vince.
Karen Kilgariff
Yeah.
Georgia Hardstark
Okay.
Karen Kilgariff
You know, if you're thinking about stuff like this, it says when you know, you know. And I wanted a ring I'd actually like. Yep. Fast forward to summer 2024. I'm having lunch with my parents in law and we're chatting about wedding plans when they casually ask now, did you want to use the family gold for your wedding bands? Now, I didn't know there was family gold. So I was immediately picturing treasure chests, heirlooms, maybe a little pirate fantasy moment. Obviously, I said yes. A couple of weeks later, my fiance comes home with a very old, very heavy matchbox. He opens it up, and inside is a strange, bubbly lump of gold. Sort of looks like a moon rock. When I asked where it came from, he tells me the truth. His parents were Dennis for over 40 years.
Georgia Hardstark
No.
Karen Kilgariff
Yes.
Georgia Hardstark
I was thinking, like, there couldn't be anything that would make me say no to that. And that is it. You just fucking hit it.
Karen Kilgariff
Apparently, back in the day when people had their gold fillings replaced, they'd be offered the old bit back. Most people said no, so the dentists kept it.
Georgia Hardstark
No, you can't have, like, a rubber band ball of people's fucking mouth jewelry.
Karen Kilgariff
Old mouth jewelry replaced mouth jewelry. The family gold was decades worth of old fillings. And yes, we absolutely used it.
Georgia Hardstark
I fucked. Yep. I would have, like, Jan, tell the story about your rings.
Karen Kilgariff
You have to do it. Our wedding bands are made from tooth gold, as it's now affectionately known. See photo the inside of the bands. Is it creepy? A bit. Do we love it? Completely.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah.
Karen Kilgariff
So stay sexy and maybe check where the family gold came from before you get too excited about your family treasure. Best jewels. There's the lump. And then, my God, they engraved a tiny tooth on the inside of the band.
Georgia Hardstark
I love how much they just, like, embraced the fucking toothpaste weirdness of it.
Karen Kilgariff
Yeah.
Georgia Hardstark
I love this story so much.
Mint Mobile Advertiser
Right?
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah.
Karen Kilgariff
Dentist family.
Georgia Hardstark
That is so fucking hilarious.
Karen Kilgariff
Be who you are, even if it's gross.
Georgia Hardstark
The lump of fucking tooth gold.
Karen Kilgariff
Do you want this tooth gold?
Georgia Hardstark
Disgusting.
Karen Kilgariff
Okay, I'm keeping it then. Okay. It's like. And that's how it melted down. But then it's like. But made beautiful bands.
Georgia Hardstark
Yeah. Yeah. Of course. It looks like a piece of chewing gum beforehand, but it still can turn into fucking rings. I love that. That is.
Karen Kilgariff
That's a classic.
Georgia Hardstark
That's a classic. What's the story of, like, a thing when people go, oh, I like your thing. And you go, thanks, it's. And then just freak them out. Thinks it's my cat's whiskers that I got turned into a necklace. It's the ashes of my gerbil from when I was a child.
Karen Kilgariff
Yep.
Georgia Hardstark
I want those stories.
Karen Kilgariff
Yeah, that would be good, too.
Georgia Hardstark
Or tooth gold.
Karen Kilgariff
Or tooth gold.
Chelsea Handler
This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. I have some very exciting news. I am always looking for companies to support that are ethical. And let's be honest. The phone companies we've all been stuck with are not that. You know, I travel constantly and supposedly I have international free roaming on Verizon. Yet my phone bills are still 300, 400 and even $500 a month. It makes zero sense. So I switched to a company with actual ethics, Noble Mobile. And they pay you for staying off your phone. The more you unplug, the more money you save each month and the most you'll Ever pay is 50 bucks Unlimited coverage when I need it, cash back when I don't. It was started by people I know and trust. So if you trust me and want to join my mission to stop being a phone addicted zombie, come along. Go to noblemobile.com Chelsea right now and try it for just 10 bucks. That's noblemobile.com Chelsea the new year means.
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Georgia Hardstark
Okay, ready? I am the live show Puker Corrections Corner.
Karen Kilgariff
What? Okay, just for clarity, there have been many, so I can't wait to hear.
Georgia Hardstark
Hello ladies, esteemed colleagues and fine furry friends. I am the Live Show Puker. Not my finest moment in life, but also not my worst. Hey, in a recent episode, y' all were discussing in what city did this incident take place? And I would like to clarify. It was the Egyptian room in Indianapolis. 2017. Sounds right.
Karen Kilgariff
Sure.
Georgia Hardstark
The story. My friend Emily and I had secured VIP tickets for the show. Emily and I hopped in the car for the 3 1/2 hour drive from Columbus to Indy. I with a fifth of Espalon Silver Tequila to keep me company for the ride. You see, I was also going through a pretty shitty breakup at the time, had not spent years in therapy yet and only knew how to cope with my feelings by drowning them in copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.
Karen Kilgariff
Sure.
Georgia Hardstark
By the time we made it to Indianapolis, I had crushed that bottle.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh my God. A fifth of tequila.
Georgia Hardstark
A fifth of tequila. We then went to our hotel bar where I had a double vodka soda. We then went to the Egyptian Room where I had two more doubles while waiting for the show to start. At this point, Emily was getting a little, okay, a lot frustrated with me because I had crossed over. Yeah, the lights went down, the music came on, the crowd cheered and applauded. Then I vomited all over myself, the chair and the floor next to me. I then proceeded to basically army crawl out of the theater with a little help from my friend who at that time was highly considering not being my friend anymore. She threw me into an Uber, gave the driver $20 in cash to take me to my room. I completely missed the show and Emily missed half. I felt horrible, and not just because I was extremely hungover the next day. Luckily, Emily forgave me. I will say though, buying her a VIP ticket for the Ann Arbor Live show and promising not to drink didn't hurt in obtaining that forgiveness.
Karen Kilgariff
Classy. Nice move.
Georgia Hardstark
I am now happy to report I'm living in Los Angeles working as a chef. Have met the love of my life. We have the best rescue pup ever. Have been in therapy for three years and have found a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Karen Kilgariff
Nice.
Georgia Hardstark
Oh, and Emily is still one of my best friends. And honestly, I am not sure what I would do without her in my life. Thanks for talking about this incident on your show and making me kind of a legend. Question mark, question mark, Katie. They them P S. I'm the chef at Bub and Grandma's. If you ever pop in, say hello. I'll send you all the treats. One of the best fucking bread bakeries in LA that all the restaurants get their bread from there. But there's also a cafe in Glassell Park.
Karen Kilgariff
Oh shit.
Georgia Hardstark
Best sandwiches and pastries.
Karen Kilgariff
We gotta pop in.
Georgia Hardstark
We gotta pop in and see Katie.
Karen Kilgariff
With A C. We're here for Katie.
Georgia Hardstark
With a C. Hi, is Katie with a C here? Give us everything.
Karen Kilgariff
They owe us a Glad bag. Well, here's the thing. Because they weren't there and their friend Emily wasn't there for the Glad bag. Snap out.
Georgia Hardstark
Right.
Karen Kilgariff
Which was could have been a different show because people have thrown up a.
Georgia Hardstark
Lot at our shows. Katie, you're not alone.
Karen Kilgariff
Katie, do not worry.
Georgia Hardstark
Give us pastries.
Karen Kilgariff
You literally talk to the city of Portland about every single person who's thrown up at our show. Because there have been many.
Georgia Hardstark
You're not the only, but you're maybe the first. And the army crawler. And we love you for it. And we've all been there. It's okay.
Karen Kilgariff
I like that you just snuck in. Give us pastries. While I'm making a different point.
Georgia Hardstark
Give us pastries and give us pastries. That thing with the black sesame on top of the toast is like the best thing I've ever had.
Karen Kilgariff
I have seen ads for that place on TikTok lately. Yeah, they're like, like people are going crazy and lining up for it.
Georgia Hardstark
It's like the best bread. They have pies, like all the good things.
Karen Kilgariff
Yes. Hey, pukers. Right in. Do you think you're the one with the snap out trash bag? I guess that person wouldn't know because they threw up and left. Yeah. Okay. My last one is I was the prankster teacher. So it says hi, Karen and Georgia, the prankster teacher in Minisode 459 really had me crying in the shower. Sorry if it's weird that I listen in the shower. But as a former prankster teacher, I had to write in. I started teaching high school English when I was 22, which meant my students were only eight years younger than me. I knew I couldn't scare them into submission, so I led with honesty, pop culture references, and some pranks. I blew an air horn during the death scene of Romeo and Juliet. I gave fake pop quizzes on the wrong story, but my personal favorite was the long running rumor of my supposed hand modeling career. So good. I was in another teacher's classroom giving her my sub plans for my upcoming absence. And a student asked why I was going to be out. My co worker immediately said she has a photo shoot. She's a famous model. The students didn't believe her at first, but she insisted and said that the only reason they couldn't recognize me was because I only modeled hands.
Georgia Hardstark
Oh my God.
Karen Kilgariff
And that they believed. And the rumor spread and there sealed a lie that I was somehow sucked into for the next four years. Watches, nail polish, food. Every absence I had to come up with another fake campaign that I was jet setting around the world to shoot. Freshmen would come into my class so excited that they got the hand model as their English teacher. Other teachers got into it, not letting me lift anything heavy or touch anything dirty in their presence to preserve the art. When I decided to leave teaching, so many students asked if it was to pursue my hand modeling full time. I know I should have come clean then, but I just couldn't help myself. I admitted that I was finally making enough from my hand modeling to leave the classroom.
Georgia Hardstark
Holy shit.
Karen Kilgariff
The next year, a teacher reached out to let me know that the students wanted to know how Ms. B's hand modeling career was going and that, my friends, is how teachers live forever. Maybe this wasn't a prank so much as a flat out lie, but God, teenagers are so gullible and sometimes it was just fun to fuck. I love and miss them all every day in the grown up, corporate modelless world. But if they're hearing this, I'm not sorry. Stay sexy and prank those kids. Sam aka Ms. B. Oh my God.
Georgia Hardstark
I There has to be someone listening.
Karen Kilgariff
I would love that if you're listening and Ms. B was your teacher or you've heard that rumor, Samantha B. Was your teacher and you knew that she was a hand model that left because she was such a successful hand model.
Georgia Hardstark
I I just Someone has done that though. Someone's made a career out of hand modeling. Why shouldn't it be your fucking teacher?
Karen Kilgariff
So good.
Georgia Hardstark
It's so good.
Karen Kilgariff
It's so funny.
Georgia Hardstark
Send us your stories at My favorite murdermail and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Karen Kilgariff
Goodbye Elvis.
Georgia Hardstark
Do you want a cookie?
Karen Kilgariff
This has been an exactly right production.
Georgia Hardstark
Our senior producer is Molly Smith and our associate producer is Tessa Hughes.
Karen Kilgariff
Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.
Georgia Hardstark
This episode was mixed by Liana Squillacci.
Karen Kilgariff
Email your hometowns to my favorite murdermail.com.
Georgia Hardstark
Follow the show on Instagram yfavoritemurder.
Karen Kilgariff
Listen to My Favorite Murder on the iHeartradio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Georgia Hardstark
Goodbye.
Tara Davis Woodhull
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Chelsea Handler
This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea, I have some very exciting news. I am always looking for companies to support that are ethical. And let's be honest, the phone companies we've all been stuck with are not that. You know, I travel constantly and supposedly I have international free roaming on Verizon, yet my phone bills are still 300, 400 and even $500 a month. It makes zero sense. So I switched to a company with actual ethics, Noble Mobile and they pay you for staying off your phone. The more you unplug, the more money you save each month and the most you'll ever pay is 50 bucks. Unlimited coverage when I need it, cash back when I don't. It was started by people I know and trust. So if you trust me and want to join my mission to stop being a phone addicted zombie, come along. Go to noblemobile.com Chelsea right now and try it for just 10 bucks. That's noblemobile.com Chelsea the new year brings.
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Release Date: January 26, 2026
Hosts: Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark
This minisode of My Favorite Murder features Karen and Georgia reading a fresh batch of “hometown” stories submitted by listeners—a beloved tradition in the MFM community. True crime, comedy, and the everyday weirdness of life intermingle as listeners share tales ranging from spooky abandoned buildings to scam artists, kleptomaniac cats, dental-gold keepsakes, live show mishaps, and legendary classroom pranks. Karen and Georgia keep the episode rolling with their signature banter, dark humor, and genuine reactions.
[02:21] – [04:52]
[05:09] – [07:41]
[09:24] – [12:01]
[12:32] – [15:35]
[18:27] – [21:45]
[22:04] – [24:50]
| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------|---------------| | Intro & Listener Email Stories Begin | 01:46 | | Abandoned Dorm & Ninja Café | 02:21–04:52 | | Hallmark Quick Change Scam | 05:09–07:41 | | Kleptomaniac Cat Peace Offering | 09:24–12:01 | | Dental Gold Wedding Bands | 12:32–15:35 | | Live Show Puker – Redemptive Tale | 18:27–21:45 | | Teacher as Urban Legend Hand Model | 22:04–24:50 |
Minisode 472 is packed with listener tales that run the gamut from creepy near-misses in abandoned buildings, bite-sized retail wisdom, and the fickle logic of pets, to the macabre inheritance of “tooth gold,” wild stories of fandom gone wrong, and enduring pranks by educators. Karen and Georgia keep the energy high, the laughs flowing, and the sense of community alive with each story. As always, the episode closes with a reminder to send in your own tales, and, of course, to “stay sexy and don’t get murdered.”