My First Million: 5 Lessons in Negotiation from an FBI Hostage Negotiator

Date: September 17, 2025
Hosts: Sam Parr and Shaan Puri
Guest: Chris Voss (Former FBI Hostage Negotiator, Negotiation Consultant)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Sam Parr and Shaan Puri sit down with Chris Voss, legendary former FBI hostage negotiator and negotiation consultant, to uncover the deep art and science of negotiation. Chris shares hard-won lessons from high-stakes crisis scenarios and translates them into actionable tools for business, parenting, and everyday life. The conversation debunks common negotiation myths and presents concrete steps listeners can use immediately to build trust, gather information, and get better outcomes.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Real Meaning of Negotiation

• Negotiation is everywhere: It's not limited to boardrooms or hostage situations—it's present in almost every interaction, from business to daily life (00:19).
• Negotiation is not about winning/losing: It's about relationship-building, long-term trust, and collaborative outcomes, even if you’re the most "mercenary" participant—collaboration produces more money and less stress than being cutthroat. (07:23)

"If your objective is to have a long-term relationship of trust where we both prosper... that's the fastest, easiest way to make the money."
— Chris Voss (07:23)

2. The Foundation: Listening Without Hijacking

• Let the other side go first: True listening means resisting urges to correct (hijack to correct) or one-up with your own story (story stealing).
• Making someone feel heard is different from simply understanding them: People remember how you made them feel, not necessarily the words you used.
• Story: Bride at a wedding: She hugged Chris the day after their chat, unable to recall a word he said, but remembered "how good it made me feel" (05:05).

"Just because you've been heard doesn't mean you feel heard. Just because I do understand doesn't mean you feel understood."
— Chris Voss (06:06)

Key Takeaway

• Avoid interrupting or inserting your own stories; focus on making the other person feel fully understood before advancing.

3. Tactical Empathy & Removing Yourself as a Threat

• Empathy is a tool, not just a feeling: Demonstrate real understanding in a way that removes yourself as a threat.
• Hostage negotiation principle: The first move is to remove yourself as a threat using tone, calm presence, and genuine concern (10:28).

"First move in a negotiation is to remove yourself as a threat because why would they make a great deal with you if you're a threat?"
— Chris Voss (10:28)

FBI/Hostage Context

• Even in high-stakes situations, establishing trust and demonstrating empathy leads to better outcomes—not just manipulation or aggressive tactics.

4. Real-World Story: Bank Hostage Negotiation

[12:47 to 21:00]

• Chris recounts a high-pressure NYC bank robbery.
• Disrupting the usual protocol—instead of summarizing previous negotiations, he focused on controlling how each call ended.
• Identifying manipulators: Some use "blame the board" tactics—don't accept when a negotiator blames invisible others for their position (17:08).
• Listening for cues: A crucial breakthrough came from noticing and acting on subtle cues—like asking if the robber wanted himself to come out, not just to release hostages.
• The last impression is the lasting impression. Ending interactions positively, respectfully, and with understanding matters most (42:57).

"When we had him on that thread, then I completely focused on the consequences that he was looking at, how he was going to get out of there. ... In very short order, I was meeting him out in front of the bank; he was surrendering to me."
— Chris Voss (19:23)

5. Building Trust & Gathering Information in Business

• You always have information you’d rather not share and so does the other side: ("When are you ever in a negotiation where you don't have closely held information…") (22:03)
• Trust is the first negotiation: Only with trust does valuable info emerge.
• Building trust: Counterintuitively, common ground and asking questions aren’t the best tools. Instead, use labels—neutral or positive observations about the other person’s state (25:09–28:06).

Example:

"You seem centered." — Chris Voss, illustrating how to open someone up with an observation rather than an intrusive question (28:04)

• Trigger 'no'-oriented questions for psychological safety:
  Saying “Is it ridiculous to talk about what we're here for?” invites a "no" response, which feels safer and less forced than a pressured "yes" (29:50).

6. The Truth about Compromise

• Compromise is not a goal—it leads to mediocrity and lose-lose:

"Compromise is by definition make something lose-lose. And that is not compatible with a long-term relationship of trust and prosperity."
— Chris Voss (30:59)

• Better alternative: High-Value Blends:
  Use the "steel" analogy—it's not equal parts, but the right blend of both sides’ contributions that creates strength (31:56–34:05).

7. Redefining Leverage

• Leverage ≠ Best Outcome: Leverage means the ability to inflict harm, and deals made via leverage lack trust, can’t access proprietary info, and hurt long-term relationships (35:50).
• True Mastery: Predictability and trust trump leverage. Build a reputation for consistency and integrity (37:36).

8. Prepping for Negotiations: Focus on Negatives First

Preparation Strategy:

• Anticipate what negatives the other side might harbor about you.
• State those up front—don't deny ("I'm probably going to seem greedy...").
• Pair this with genuine appreciation of the other side's experience and value (45:10–47:34).

9. Science of Feeling Understood

• Neuroscience: Making someone feel heard triggers oxytocin and serotonin—bonding, truthfulness, and satisfaction, making for less demanding, more honest negotiations (48:34).

"If you get a hit of oxytocin in interacting with me, you’re going to bond with me and you’re going to be far more honest with me."
— Chris Voss (48:34)

10. Tactical Tools for Everyday Life

A. Repeat & Mirror

• Easiest-to-implement tip: Repeating back what others say (mirroring, labeling, paraphrasing) accelerates trust and deal-making (54:49).

B. “How am I supposed to pay that?”

• In haggle situations (buying car, Craigslist): Make the other side’s case, then pose a solution-oriented, open-ended question (49:56–52:08).

C. With Children

• Your job as a parent is to help kids think, not just issue orders. Challenge and engage them to build decision-making skills (52:08–54:28).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "The real challenge of becoming a better negotiator? Listen somebody all the way through...making somebody feel heard."
  — Chris Voss (05:05–06:06)

• On compromise:
  "Compromise is correlates very strongly to mediocrity. And you gotta decide whether or not you're good with mediocrity."
  — Chris Voss (30:59)

• On trust vs. leverage:
  "Leverage is the ability to inflict harm...but those don’t go for stable long-term relationships...It gets you into passing grade and it just doesn’t get you to the top of the class."
  — Chris Voss (35:50)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:19 — Introduction to Negotiation, Chris Voss’s background
• 05:05 — The challenge of listening, power of making others feel heard (Wedding story)
• 10:28 — Removing yourself as a threat, tactical empathy
• 12:47–21:00 — Real-life bank hostage negotiation breakdown
• 22:03 — why negotiation is really about information and trust
• 25:09–28:06 — How to actually build trust (labels and observations)
• 29:50 — No-oriented questions for safer responses
• 30:59 — On the fallacy of compromise
• 34:05 — “Same side of the table” metaphor for negotiation
• 35:50–37:36 — Reframing leverage and building predictability
• 45:10–47:34 — The best way to prep for negotiation: call out negatives
• 48:34 — Neuroscience behind feeling heard
• 49:56–52:08 — Everyday negotiating: cars, Craigslist, and kids
• 54:49 — The simplest, most usable negotiation framework
• 58:29 — Chris’s negotiation community: Black Swan

Final Thought

Chris Voss’s core philosophy:
The foundation of every effective negotiation is making the other side feel heard, safe, and respected. This triggers trust and honest dialogue, which unlocks better, faster, and more sustainable outcomes—far beyond what’s possible with traditional “leverage” or the myth of compromise.

For Listeners

You can find Chris Voss’s Black Swan negotiation community, which is free to join, for negotiation resources at his website (58:29).

This summary captures the substance, actionable tactics, and memorable lessons from Chris Voss’s appearance on My First Million—essential listening for anyone who negotiates, which is everyone.