12 Inches or Less with Brandon Kyle Goodman (RE-RELEASE)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "12 Inches or Less with Brandon Kyle Goodman (RE-RELEASE)"

Podcast Information:

• Title: My Momma Told Me
• Host/Author: Big Money Players Network and iHeartPodcasts
• Description: Comedians Langston Kerman and David Boren explore a variety of Black conspiracy theories, ranging from the humorous to the unsettling, often featuring guests who share their unique perspectives.
• Episode: 12 Inches or Less with Brandon Kyle Goodman (RE-RELEASE)
• Release Date: May 13, 2025

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Introduction and Setup (00:00 - 05:00)

The episode kicks off with standard podcast advertisements and introductions, which are subsequently skipped to focus on the main content.

Opening Banter and Guest Introduction (05:00 - 06:00)

• David Boren and Bowen Yang engage in light-hearted banter about personal relationships and pop culture references, setting a casual and humorous tone.
• Brandon Kyle Goodman is introduced as a guest, recognized for his contributions to Netflix's Big Mouth and praised for his multifaceted talents.

Main Topic: The Conspiracy Theory of Black Male Penis Size (06:00 - 52:00)

The primary focus of the episode revolves around the longstanding stereotype and conspiracy theory that Black men possess larger penises compared to other racial groups. The discussion is both comedic and critical, examining societal pressures, cultural influences, and personal experiences related to this belief.

Breaking Down the Stereotype (07:30 - 11:30)

• Bowen Yang introduces the conspiracy theory: “my mama told me black men have big dicks” (03:58).
• Brandon Kyle Goodman humorously quantifies the stereotype, stating, “the idea is that black men have like 9 inch dicks or above, and that 9 inches is on the small side” (08:11).
• David Boren and Bowen Yang discuss the psychological impact of this stereotype, touching on "big dick anxiety" and how it affects Black men’s self-esteem and identity.

Cultural and Community Pressures (11:30 - 22:00)

• The hosts explore how media, particularly pornographic content, perpetuates unrealistic standards and fetishizes Black men’s genitalia.
• Brandon Kyle Goodman emphasizes the disparity between public perception and individual reality: “those dicks are real. But, like, the pressure that the entire community has to...” (12:25).
• Discussion shifts to how different environments, such as predominantly white institutions versus predominantly Black communities, influence the pressure felt regarding penis size.

Scientific Perspectives and Studies (34:00 - 43:00)

• Bowen Yang references a 1989 Kinsey Institute study, highlighting discrepancies in self-reported versus actual measurements: “all of the participants who initially claimed an erect cock length of 10 inches turned out to have a considerably smaller length” (35:29).
• Brandon Kyle Goodman questions the reliability of self-reported data and mocks the feasibility of achieving extreme sizes.
• Bowen Yang cites a 2013 study from the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences, noting that men of African descent report an average penis size of 6.33 inches, slightly larger than other racial groups (39:35).

Gender Perspectives and Additional Data (48:00 - 53:00)

• The conversation extends to differences between gay and straight men's penis sizes, referencing a 1999 study that found gay men have a slightly larger average size compared to straight men: “gay men are likely to have an average dick size of 6.32 inches when erect, compared to 5.99 inches in straight men” (48:53).
• David Boren humorously critiques the validity of studies from racially mixed areas like Brazil, questioning the applicability of the findings.

Cultural Practices and Humor (53:00 - 60:00)

• The hosts discuss cultural events like San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair, where public nudity is more accepted, juxtaposing it with their personal discomforts regarding public exposure.
• Brandon Kyle Goodman shares an anecdote about encountering fully naked individuals on the streets of San Francisco, adding to the episode's humorous yet insightful discussion on societal norms and expectations.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts (60:00 - 61:32)

• The episode wraps up with the hosts reflecting on the discussions, reiterating the impact of societal pressures on personal identity.
• Brandon Kyle Goodman promotes his book, “You Gotta Be You,” encouraging listeners to support local bookstores.
• The hosts invite listeners to engage by sending their own theories and experiences to the podcast’s email, fostering a community dialogue.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bowen Yang: “They called him all the mean words you can call a black man. And now look at him. He's the funniest man on the Internet. And he got a bad bitch on his arm.” (04:18)
• Brandon Kyle Goodman: “I have had a 12 inch dick inside me once and whoa. Yeah, I'm a brag about that.” (19:28)
• Bowen Yang: “Any time you don't have that, you gotta feel okay with it and realize it's not the measure of your worth.” (22:00) (Note: Adapted from the general sentiment as specific timestamp not provided)

Key Insights and Discussions

1. Societal Pressure and Identity: The stereotype that Black men have larger penises creates unrealistic expectations and contributes to anxiety and identity issues within the community.
2. Media Influence: Pornography plays a significant role in perpetuating and exaggerating these stereotypes, influencing both public perception and personal self-image.
3. Scientific Validity: Studies on penis size often rely on self-reported data, which can be unreliable. Research that involves actual measurements presents more credible findings but is limited in scope.
4. Cultural Differences: The impact of this stereotype varies across different communities and environments, with predominantly white institutions imposing different pressures compared to Black communities.
5. Humor as a Coping Mechanism: The hosts use humor to discuss sensitive topics, making the conversation more approachable while still addressing underlying societal issues.

Conclusions

The episode "12 Inches or Less" offers a candid and humorous exploration of the pervasive stereotype regarding Black men's penis size. Through personal anecdotes, scientific references, and sharp wit, the hosts dissect how such beliefs affect individual self-esteem and community dynamics. They highlight the need for more accurate representations and encourage listeners to challenge and move beyond harmful stereotypes.

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Note: This summary focuses on the substantive content of the podcast episode, excluding advertisements and non-discussion segments to provide a clear and comprehensive overview for those who have not listened to the episode.

Transcript

[David Boren]

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[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[David Boren]

Not gonna lie, I eat the lasagna.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[Matt Rogers]

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[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[David Boren]

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[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

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[David Boren]

I feel like if I had, if I was walking around naked, I would have to have some weird kind of excitement. Like not a belly chain per se, but I feel like I would have to have. I don't think I could. I don't think I could just be naked. I'd have to have like a, like a new hat or a cape or something.

[Bowen Yang]

I love the idea of you being fully naked except for a thick Gucci belt. You just wear a gorgeous Gucci belt and the rest is some matching Gucci.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Shoes, some matching Gucci slides.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, I like that for you that gourd that Gord.

[David Boren]

I'm just saying, I don't think it would be like, I need some garnish on the plate. Like I'm not just gonna have to.

[Bowen Yang]

The government growing babies. Microchips in your anus.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money.

[Bowen Yang]

Martians invented turkey stuff.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Y' all can't tell me nothing.

[Bowen Yang]

Bang, bang, bang, Skeet, skeet, skeet. There it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another. Another Phenomen phenomenal episode of My Mama.

[David Boren]

Told Me, the podcast, where we dive deep into the pockets of black conspiracy.

[Bowen Yang]

Theories and we finally work to prove that Taye Diggs may be, in fact, the only man in history to work his way back from the title of Oreo. They. They were Shaman Tank. They were Shaman Tank.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

They told him.

[Bowen Yang]

They told him. All he did was service the white devil. But look at him now.

[David Boren]

I'm not gonna talk shit because Taye Diggs used to follow me on tw, were very close.

[Bowen Yang]

They called him all the mean words you can call a black man. And now look at him. He's the funniest man on the Internet. And he got a bad bitch on his arm. And sure as you fuck, Lil Fizz, but that's none of our business.

[David Boren]

That doesn't matter.

[Bowen Yang]

That ain't got nothing to do with nothing. Come on.

[David Boren]

I'm. Lil Fizz is cute.

[Bowen Yang]

And. Yes. And Lil Fizz is a cutie pie.

[David Boren]

But he's like. He'll like. He's like that cute where he's never gonna look like a man. And I'm David Boren.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

Lil Fizz is always gonna look like the coolest dude in the 11th grade till he dies.

[Bowen Yang]

That makes sense to me. Yeah, he's got.

[David Boren]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. He's got big. When I graduate, I'm gonna do this interview.

[David Boren]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, you heard, he might go D2, but I don't know.

[Bowen Yang]

He's probably going to a juco and gonna get sort of stuck in that transition.

[David Boren]

Yeah. Then he just ends up working for Costco Corporate. But, you know, he's got.

[Bowen Yang]

Which is a fine life for Lil Fizz, but it's not what he dreamt of.

[David Boren]

No. Did he think he was going to live in Tulsa forever? But that's how. That's where it took him.

[Bowen Yang]

All right, we can't. We can't talk. Little Fizz forever. I don't know how a conspiracy about Taye Diggs ended up being a Little Fizz conversation, but that's the mastery of this podcast, I'd say our guests today, I'm very excited that they're here. Been a part of so much cool shit. Specifically, Big Mouth on Netflix. Very responsible for all the great work over there. Human resources also responsible. Brilliant writer, thinker, talker, motherfucker. Give it up for our guest, Brandon Kyle Goodman.

[David Boren]

God, bro.

[Bowen Yang]

Guidance.

[David Boren]

Ain't nobody got time for that.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, I'm just clicking.

[David Boren]

Shit.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Come on. I like that intro. Ain't nobody got time for that. Yes.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. How you. How you doing?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I'm good. How y' all doing?

[Bowen Yang]

We're chilling.

[David Boren]

I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

[Bowen Yang]

Any thoughts on Lil Fizz and what he brings to the table? Or Taye Diggs? Either. Either one.

[David Boren]

Really? All of B2K.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Lil Fizz, that's the gay one.

[Bowen Yang]

No, Lil Fizz is the maybe too straight one. He's the rapper. The light skinned rapper in the group.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

He had sex with Omarion's lady. Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

Who is now Taye Diggs lover.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Got it. See, I haven't kept up with my Taye Diggs since.

[Bowen Yang]

And that's your fault. We're not. We didn't do that to you. You had the chance.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You know, I love. But I love Edgar Taye Diggs. I saw him on Hedwig and the Angry Inch. That was the last time I saw Taye Diggs do anything on the Runway, which was. He was incredible in it.

[David Boren]

Accomplished Broadway actor. Don't do that to Taye Diggs.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Come on.

[Bowen Yang]

No, I'm a fan.

[David Boren]

And then he can go to Broadway.

[Bowen Yang]

Yes.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

And best man is getting a TV series.

[Bowen Yang]

Listen, I'm a big fan. I'm saying the world had turned on him.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Not yet.

[David Boren]

He was in Malibu.

[Bowen Yang]

And ain't nothing wrong with that. Well, we can't bullshit any longer. We have a wonderful conspiracy theory that you came to us today with. And I will say this has been a conspiracy theory that sort of has just been sitting there for a while and nobody's touched it. Literally no one has brought it up. It's not even one that we've, I think, broached in any kind of way. And it's a very simple one. You said, my mama told me black men have big dicks.

[David Boren]

She want to fuck with the dick.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I love being here. This is great.

[Bowen Yang]

Great, chaotic, whatever you want to call it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I love it.

[Bowen Yang]

We'll take it. Tell me more. Tell us more about this. Black men and their big penises.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I mean, I feel like everyone knows that as A theory that the idea is that black men have like 9 inch dicks or above, and that 9 inches is on the small side.

[David Boren]

You put a number on it. Okay.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You know, yeah, I'm gonna put a number on it. So if you are under nine inches and you're not black, if you don't have a nine inch dick. It's really what I'm trying to say. I wanna start some controversy here. Oh, boy. But I feel like it's.

[David Boren]

Is it possible to be double black then asking for.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, shit, David.

[Bowen Yang]

Well, looks like I'm still half black, huh? Damn.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

All right, we got a dough black and a half black. I love it. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's the thing. And then. And then as a. You know, I feel like you hear that theory real young. Like when people start talking about dicks at like 14 or 15, you start hearing that, and then you start measuring your dick to make sure that you're actually full black.

[David Boren]

Yeah. And then you're like, do I go balls? Do I do. Do I pin the balls back and.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Go back to my balls?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, sure. There's a lot of strategies to make up for.

[David Boren]

Also. If you are like me, you're a chubby kid, you got a little bit you can push back. I call it the reserve. Like, it's like.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Well, what do y' all think? Where do you measure from? Do you measure from the balls? Do you measure from? Like, where would you measure your penis from?

[David Boren]

I measure penetrable inches.

[Bowen Yang]

Whoa. That's respectful. I like that answer. That's a great answer. I will say that. And I don't mean to jump the gun here, but in my research, I actually read about the technical way in which researchers measure. And it's from the top where the pelvic bone sort of starts above the penis, that you're allowed to measure. You're not allowed to.

[David Boren]

That's where they start. Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

You're not allowed to measure from the side nor underneath, because you're going to gain, to your point, some impenetrable inches and. Or at least like a boost from the side and underneath.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Well, see, now I'm having identity crisis. Now I gotta go remeasure. Cause I'm from the side.

[Bowen Yang]

I understand you've been cooking your books for quite a while. Big dog.

[David Boren]

Gonna get.

[Bowen Yang]

Dude, somebody's been juicing. You know what I mean?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Damn, y' all are. Y' all are blowing up my whole. My whole sense of self. Okay, great.

[David Boren]

I think this whole topic has needed to be broached for A long time, though.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

It's.

[Bowen Yang]

It's been. It's. It's been necessary.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

It's a lot of pressure. No, like, it feels like to live under this.

[David Boren]

As you know, Langston, to be very dark skinned and live under this, it's like you gotta have waves and you gotta have a big old dick.

[Bowen Yang]

Damn.

[David Boren]

And that's what you do. And you look great in gold and.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Green and yellow and yellow and yellow.

[David Boren]

And, oh, look at my whole bones. It's all yellow.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Come on.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. I don't know that I've. What you're describing does not feel like the anxiety that I necessarily had to grow up under. And I acknowledge that.

[David Boren]

You never felt like. You never felt big dick anxiety.

[Bowen Yang]

Oh, no, I had massive big dick anxiety. I'm saying that none of it felt like I was. It didn't feel like I would be, like, laughed out of the building if I didn't have the biggest dick. Do you know what I'm saying? And what you're describing feels like it's not just have a healthy sized penis, it's have a penis worth talking about. And. Or you are less black than you appear.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yes, for sure. Which is porn culture too, right? I mean, like, a lot of us as young adults, but also as grown adults, get our idea of what sex is and what bodies should look like from porn culture. I mean, I think it's what women are currently in this state unpacking, right? Like, that the male gaze has had an idea of what women look like and look like during sex, and it's all from porn. And so the same thing is true for ethnic groups. It's like the idea of what an Asian man or an Asian woman looks like, what a black man looks like, is all from porn. It's all like fetish and not real. I mean, those dicks are real. But, like, the pressure that the entire community has to.

[David Boren]

I don't know. Some of them. Some of them. I don't know.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Some of them look like they have been injected. Yes. Yes.

[David Boren]

Yeah. Sometimes you're like, whoa, hey, brother, it's new. You can't be happy.

[Bowen Yang]

I will say. I will say there's every. And maybe y' all have experienced this. Every once in a while you bump into a porn where it's just a man with a regular sized penis. And a part of me is like, hell, yeah, let's go. Let's go, Bookmark. Go crazy. Yes.

[David Boren]

Look at him doing it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

She's just like us. Yes. Yes.

[Bowen Yang]

Looks normal to me.

[David Boren]

Look at this guy. No That I think's it. This one, though. This. We do all. I don't think there's any black men who have never come into situations where that was what was expected. Right. We all live under this umbrella, right?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. No, I think. I think this is. It's a. It's a very universal pressure, I think, placed on black men, especially about their penis size, in a way that. And maybe you all have experienced this. White guys can openly joke about their penis being inadequate or not big, and it sort of becomes like an easy punchline that they don't ever have to run from, where it's like, they're always saying that. Oh, God, yeah, exactly.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's the big.

[David Boren]

The whole thing. Oh, with me, I can't dance.

[Bowen Yang]

I got a little dong.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Just like that. Wait, I have a question. I grew up going to a lot of PWIs, predominantly white institutions, and so I felt that pressure, especially about dick size. But were either of you around mostly? Like, grew up in mostly black high schools or black schools. Was the pressure the same?

[David Boren]

No, I moved to the country when I was 14 years old. Not the country of America. No. Like, I moved to a rural area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, like, truly rural area. Yeah. When I was kind of, you know, just off the dick porch, if you will.

[Bowen Yang]

And.

[Matt Rogers]

Yeah, that's all.

[David Boren]

That's all that is every. And especially when you're a kid, because you have no. Like, yeah, the point is. Yeah, that's all those little trollops wanted.

[Bowen Yang]

Damn.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Doing that big dick.

[Bowen Yang]

My high school. No, that was the correct way to behave inside of this podcast. We don't apologize to anybody for anything we do. I grew up in a neighborhood that was weirdly, like, mixed. Like, not. Not. It was probably predominantly white, but not in a way that was like, oh, shit, we're like, one of few, so we have, like, a nice mixture. And that meant that. I don't necessarily know that I felt any special pressure from a white community versus a black community. It kind of felt like just whoever you were trying to fuck meant you didn't want that anxiety spreading. You know what I mean? Like, we all knew the same shit.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I just wonder if you went to a Southern black church, if you felt the same pressure that your dick had to be really big, or if in the black church, there was a grounding reality of like, nah. Like, you know, dicks come in all sizes.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. They taught you that at church. The preacher's like, hey, five and a half ain't bad.

[David Boren]

As long as your money's green, you're good over here.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

As long as you tied the 10%, we don't care, right?

[David Boren]

Small ones, ones to climb on rocks.

[Bowen Yang]

Hey, God took 10% off me from the top, you know.

[David Boren]

You'll get it back in heaven, big dog. You will get it back in heaven now.

[Bowen Yang]

You'll get it back in heaven. And that's, that's what the Jehovah's Witnesses are talking about. That's why they knock on your doors.

[David Boren]

It's really a tax. It's a faith tax. They take a faith tax right off the tip.

[Bowen Yang]

Brother, do you believe or not? God's gonna give you that dick back? Say, neighbor.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

God's gonna give me that dick back. Yes, neighbor. Yes, neighbor.

[David Boren]

Have you heard the good news? That God is gonna give you the rest of your back?

[Bowen Yang]

God's gonna give you that dick back. Hey.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

My God. My God. My God. Yes.

[Bowen Yang]

Okay, we. We have gone a while now and we haven't made much of understanding this conspiracy for yourself. Brandon, tell me, do you personally believe in this conspiracy? How much are you bought in?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Well, so the thing that I like, I'm a homosexual. So I. Congratulations. Research. I've done some data. Oh, dick research. Yes, yes, some dick research. Some hoanatomy, as we call it. So what I fully know is that that is not true, that black dicks come in many sizes. And there are some that are, you know, really, really quite large and some that are.

[David Boren]

But in reverse, Terry.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Some that are very tiny. And to me, the biggest thing that I have learned is it's how you use it, you know, like which you hear motion of the ocean, but you're like, nah, I still want 10 inches. But as an adult at 35, I'm like, oh, yeah, it really is more about how you use it because there are people who have 12 inch sticks and it's a weapon.

[David Boren]

What else could you do? You have to rob the pharmacy with that.

[Bowen Yang]

What are you just gonna. You're just gonna pick up your medication and buy candy corn? No. You're gonna hurt people.

[David Boren]

I would go so far as to say a 12 inch dick is a burden.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

If someone with an 11 and a half inch dick, I can just only.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

11 and a half.

[Bowen Yang]

That's where you wanna stop?

[David Boren]

Yeah, that's. What is it they say? Any more than $240,000 a year and it doesn't feel any different. That's the same with penis length.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, I could see that at 12.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Inches you have to go to porn, right? Cause like regular folks ain't trying to deal with that every day.

[David Boren]

Freak. You are a fucking weirdo.

[Bowen Yang]

You weirdo.

[David Boren]

Get out of here. I would say.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I thought we were shaving you with big dicks. That's good energy.

[David Boren]

I've been trying to do it for years. Cause here's what I'm saying, I don't have a 12 inch penis. And mine has been too big before. So extrapolate that by however many. 12 is crazy, dog.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's crazy.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, 12 12's a burden. That's too much. I don't think that that's even. At least in talking to many of my female friends. It never seems to be the desire, like, it's a desire to see it. I think we all want to see the motherfucker, but nobody wants that inside of them.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I have had. We can do this. This is really interesting. I've had a 12 inch dick inside me once and whoa. Yeah, I'm a brag about that. Cause that took a lot of breathing, a lot of douching, a lot of praying.

[Bowen Yang]

God damn.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

And it was great. But it's one of those things where you're like, that's a vacation dick. You know what I'm saying? That's not like a dick that I want to be with every day. I don't want to marry that dick. You know what I'm saying?

[David Boren]

I don't want to ride a roller coaster after work on Tuesday.

[Bowen Yang]

No.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

That's like.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Which is why I say a 12 inch dick is a porn dick. It's like, that's something. You're like, oh, I'm a. Look at that. I'm a see it one time, but I'm not trying to.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. You know how Kumail got buff and like. And like, then we found out how he did it and it's like, oh, he hasn't had an almond for like two years. And it's like, that's what that seems like, you know what I mean? Where it's like, you got to really be down to put in the work every single day to experience that. That level of buffness and big dick.

[David Boren]

It seems like you would have to be an event. Like you couldn't just like, lazy right before we go to bed sex.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

No, no, no, no. Or like wake up sex out of here. Nah. Because you really get into the intestines at that point.

[Bowen Yang]

Like, oh my God, that's so scary.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, like, I'm sorry.

[David Boren]

That's so scary. That's when you're really beating guts. Because I'm. That term. Never felt Applicable to what I do.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I'm not beating like that 12 inches. You are beating the fuck out of somebody's guts. So you know, you can't surprise somebody with that. You really have to plan that shit out.

[Bowen Yang]

Are you at all afraid that at some point down the line your doctor's gonna sit you down and be like, brandon, we've got some bad news. Your guts are beat to death from that 12 inch dick you took.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Honestly an honor. I hope I get a medal. I want to badge for that. If that happens, I'd be like, w. Oh, thanks.

[Bowen Yang]

There's no technical term for this, but there's bruises all over your guts from the beating.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

If it's a gay doctor, I'm sure they'd be like, congratulations.

[David Boren]

If my shit was a foot long, every time I completed with someone, I would put a notch in it like a bed pose.

[Bowen Yang]

All right, I think we did enough to earn a break. We're going to take a break. We'll be back with more Brandon cows.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Good man.

[Bowen Yang]

More. My mama told me.

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[David Boren]

I can go anywhere. Suck my dick. Welcome back to My Mama Told Me the podcast where we are today actually talking about dick. Thank you, dmx.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

The way that y' all are not acknowledging that drop, David is crazy to me. You're just going into your script like that.

[David Boren]

You know, it was, you know, it's just too, it's just, it's just one of the drops we picked.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh my God.

[Bowen Yang]

That was unhinged.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I like it.

[David Boren]

But we are back and yeah, we are talking about do black men have big old hanging hogs?

[Bowen Yang]

Big old hanging hogs. Now, now, Brandon, you, you've experienced a big old black dick. You've had the 12 incher. Do you. And this is a question I guess I've always wanted to ask. What is the preferred size? Is there a preferred size where you're like. That is exactly correct, yes.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I'm glad you're asking this. I'm like, it's funny because my publicist is on here and I'm like, I wonder if they're like listening to me talk about the dicks that I've taken. And they're like, what? How are we going to spin this?

[David Boren]

I think you're Spinning it just right.

[Bowen Yang]

We're doing fine.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

You know, you sit on it and spin.

[Bowen Yang]

They're like, brandon, this is the book. This is it. We've got the follow up. Absolutely.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

It's 176 pages about me riding 12 inch dicks. Nine inches to me is, like, perfect. Eight to nine is like a perfect.

[David Boren]

But that's still pretty big for regular dicks.

[LifeLock]

Yes.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, that's still a pretty. You know, I would say that I like a big dick. So 8 to 9 is like the right. Like, if it's like, oh, it's big. And also, like, it's not too much work for me personally. Not to brag, but that's my jam. Like eight to nine.

[Bowen Yang]

I love that for you. Good for you that you even have that choice.

[David Boren]

Yeah, I like that you. Because we have no choice. I can't be like, oh, 7 to 15 centimeters is my desired pussycat. There's no. We don't get to talk about that. There's. You don't get to. You just get to say. All you can say is, like, it was great or I didn't like it that much.

[Bowen Yang]

I want to point out. I want to point out that 10 centimeters is full dilation for a woman in labor. So 7 to 15 to 15 for a woman just walking around is. Is maybe the loosest pussy in all of history.

[David Boren]

Oh, so now you're shaming people. Okay, Langston, I didn't know it was that kind of fucking podcast today.

[Bowen Yang]

I apologize. I don't know if you're out there.

[David Boren]

And you're loose as a goose. I'm on your side.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I think. Tight, loose. It's all good.

[David Boren]

Yeah, it's like pizza man. It's all pretty good.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I feel like. I mean, like, have y' all had anal sex? Like, penetrating that in my butt? No, no, no, no, no, no.

[David Boren]

I know.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Not your butt.

[David Boren]

No.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, but like, have you fucked somebody's ass?

[David Boren]

Yeah, it's too much of it to do for me.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. I don't care for it. It's not my jam.

[David Boren]

It's just a lot of. It's just like, a lot of, like, I'm not that patient.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Got it, got it, got it. Yeah. So you do have to be patient.

[David Boren]

Yeah. But maybe I always wonder. Maybe had it. Has it. Maybe if it was somebody who did it more often, it would be like more of a get to it. But every time I've done it, it's been like a production.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

How long does it take usually? I'm so fascinated by this.

[David Boren]

Like, an extra couple minutes of just like, really, though. Like, head in. And then a little bit more. And then a little bit more. And start. You know what? So it's like this. It's like a little bit. And then get that.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Used to that. Because they're opening it up, right?

[David Boren]

Yeah. And then used to that. And then used to that. This is great for an audio medium.

[Bowen Yang]

Well, I think we can explain it. David was texting his finger.

[David Boren]

Because my mom does listen to this.

[Bowen Yang]

I think this won't be the thing that jumps her off board with this conversation.

[David Boren]

Also, my mom is very open, so she'll probably be fine.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

We'll say, mom, I've never. I love shout outs to moms. I've never fucked a vagina. So when I fuck an asshole, that is generally how it works.

[David Boren]

Always.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah. You're like.

[David Boren]

And don't get me wrong, it can be like that for a vagina, though, too.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Okay, okay.

[Bowen Yang]

So that's true. Yes. Vaginas aren't always as blossomed as you would love them to be and. Or ready for whatever. Is that ready feels like a bad word. That's not what I'm trying.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

It feels wild.

[Bowen Yang]

I don't love. I didn't have to tag in on this. I could have just let the conversation.

[David Boren]

Oh, you ate it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Feels wild.

[Bowen Yang]

I'm in it. Let's get to the research, shall we? Now finish what you said.

[David Boren]

You finished what you started.

[Bowen Yang]

All right. I did do some research on this.

[David Boren]

No, you're not good. Okay, okay.

[Bowen Yang]

No. What I'm saying is sometimes vaginas are not as warmed up as they need to be, and thus it takes longer to enter. That is. That is the core of the conversation.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Are y' all part of the warming up of the vagina?

[Bowen Yang]

For sure.

[David Boren]

Oh, I eat everything on my plate all the time.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's what we like to hear.

[Bowen Yang]

Never, never, never not attempted to warm that thing up. I've failed a few times.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

How long do you warm it up for?

[David Boren]

Usually outside of time.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You know, outside of time.

[David Boren]

I will. I grew up. I grew up with a weird body. You gotta make up for it. I eat that thing. I don't give a shit, bro. We can go for a long. Whatever.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. I never check my watch down there.

[David Boren]

Whatever it takes. There's no.

[Bowen Yang]

Do you.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Is that okay? I want to ask because I feel like so often that is not how straight men respond to this question. So, like, was that something you learned from your community? From other? Like, how did y' all get so in tune and sensitive to like knowing, oh, I gotta eat this for a while and take care of it.

[David Boren]

I think I'm just a person who's eager to please in general.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

I think it's a personality trait. Looking for validation, probably.

[Bowen Yang]

I was about to say, I similarly seek affirmation in a way that is probably poisonous to my being, but also great for eating pussy. You know what I mean?

[David Boren]

It's not poisonous to that ass.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Nah. Interesting. I love it.

[David Boren]

Yeah. Because I do know that's not the thing. I know a lot of people who don't even do it, which seems like. Then do you even like pussy?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. No. Anytime. Anytime. I've talked to a man who has said some shit like that. Be like, weird ass nigga, what's wrong with you?

[David Boren]

Like, get up in there.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on, dog. That's. It's dope down there.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Who taught you how to eat pussy? Oh, that's a.

[Bowen Yang]

That's a.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Learn.

[Bowen Yang]

Learn on the fly for your boy.

[David Boren]

Yeah, yeah. The first time was probably bad.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

The first time was bad.

[David Boren]

Well, now you get older and then you've. Yeah. You've met a lot of women who have, you know, slow down or don't like this or whatever. So, like, it's definitely time on task and like listening to partners. But at the beginning, I was just go. I just was like, eager. Right. You ever seen the Tasmanian Devil? I was like, if I could take an aspect of that, incorporate it into my game.

[Bowen Yang]

It's a weird thing. And I'm not sure if this is true for the gay community, but certainly in the straight community, it's a weird thing where we are not often afforded the option to not know what we're doing. And so you kind of gotta. You gotta show up like you're fucking Tom Cruise and Top Gun, even if you're. You're one of them other ones in Top Gun that died. You know what I mean? Like, you gotta really be. Be ready to do whatever and not doubt yourself.

[David Boren]

Right, right, right, right. Well, wait, who taught you how to. Do you suck dick? That's the first question.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, I suck dick. Yes. I fuck ass. Who taught you to suck dick? Specifically? Yes, a friend of mine named Michael.

[David Boren]

Damn.

[Bowen Yang]

Damn, that's nice.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Michael. It was a white boy Michaels. Know how to suck dick. We met my dad sell craps.

[Bowen Yang]

Yes.

[David Boren]

If you want to get topped off or you need a corkboard, go see Michael.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Go see. It was like freshman year of college. He taught me, which now people who follow me call it the bkgy. The branding called Good M. Yawn Cause it's all about yawning. So you can open up the back of your throat. If you're a singer, you know this, like, opening your soft palate, I think, so you can get more of the dick in.

[David Boren]

I think, just as a community service. This should maybe be the clip that goes through.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

Honestly, this was super informative and not in a way that I can offer anything, but, boy, do I feel wiser than I started today.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah. If people have problem like gagging on dicks, it's because you're blocking your throat, so you have to yawn. Open it up.

[David Boren]

It's almost like you're blocking your blessings.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You're blocking. Say that to your neighbor. You're blocking your blessing. Open that throat.

[Bowen Yang]

That's a different service than the one we started with.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I don't think that same pastor is a visiting pastor. A visiting pastor?

[David Boren]

Why not?

[Bowen Yang]

Okay, we can't dilly dally anymore. We've got to get into this research. I did. I did do a fair amount of research on this subject, and there are surprisingly fewer studies about this conversation than one would expect. Part of the issue, I think, is the reporting and. Or the collecting of data. Right. How many people essentially are willing to have their penises measured and then documented for science? And then the alternative is, if they're not willing, self reporting, which objectively seems like flawed science.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I'm not buying that.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, no, right.

[David Boren]

Come on, man.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You always gonna add an extra edge. Come on.

[David Boren]

Of course.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on, man. I can't. I couldn't possibly tell a. A professional.

[David Boren]

You gotta go in here and look you in your eyes.

[Bowen Yang]

This person has a briefcase. God damn it. They're gonna hear it a little extra.

[David Boren]

Yeah. You're a scientist. You went to college. I'm. I'm fucking. I'm lying.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

I'm lying.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah. No.

[Bowen Yang]

No way. In fact, a study from the Kinsey Institute in 1989 found that all of the participants who initially claimed an erect cock length of 10 inches.

[David Boren]

Hold on, Langston. They did not say cock in that stuff.

[Bowen Yang]

Listen, I am. I am 100% telling you, I don't use cock personally as a descriptor. Ever. It's not my thing. But this is the way that they.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Community thing.

[Bowen Yang]

Like, I think so.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Right?

[David Boren]

I thought I was. I always thought it was smut. Like, it's like people who are really into smut in general.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, sure.

[Bowen Yang]

Oh, it's like muddy. It's like filthy people.

[David Boren]

Yeah. Like when you hear somebody say, like, twat, and you're like, yeah, yeah, you ain't British.

[Bowen Yang]

Why are you talking like that? But they said those who claimed an Iraq penis length of 10 inches or more turned out to have a considerably smaller length.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

What is considerably smaller?

[Bowen Yang]

One participant, thank you for asking that. One participant even claimed to have an 11 inch dick, but it turned out to actually be six and a half inches. Automatically.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Found out you can't do six and a half to 11. Okay, you could do 11, 12, but.

[Bowen Yang]

You can't do it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's, that's double dick.

[Bowen Yang]

That's a whole other dick, even extra. Listen, I. Look, I've told people I can dunk before and I know I can't. I've been there, big dog. I, I see your vision, mama.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I'm sorry, that's just crazy. He really doubled it, bro.

[David Boren]

You thought nobody was gonna find out.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Two is crazy study.

[Bowen Yang]

He was like, that's crazy. He, he really, he really bugged the fuck out. But, but the point is that in general, it seems like lying on your own dick is a tendency. Also, not for nothing, and this was me putting my conspiratorial hat on. I think part of the reason that there are fewer studies here is because white scientists might be avoiding the study that, that largely, largely would, would prove their fears to be true. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's one thing to find out that your penis is smaller than another person's penis. It's another thing to do actual science work to find out that your penis is smaller than another man's penis.

[David Boren]

See, now I have a theory. Go with me here.

[Bowen Yang]

I'm listening.

[David Boren]

Ultimately, because like, you've done the research, you said it's across the board, I think white men actually have an easier time living under the fallacy that they have smaller dicks. Because then if you just have normal.

[Bowen Yang]

You'Re amazing, you're excited.

[David Boren]

You understand what I'm saying? It's easier for them. Once again, shit rolls downhill and we have to carry the burden of this big ass bit. Call motherfucking bars, nigga. You know nothing about that.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on, dog.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

It's very true. If a white guy pulls out a nine inch dick, you're like, oh my God. If a black guy loses it, you're like, oh, okay, well, that's what I wanted it to be so great.

[David Boren]

And they're both average, so they, so they. We have to be normal to be. That's. We have to be twice as good as they are.

[Bowen Yang]

Damn. Michelle Obama was right. Come on.

[David Boren]

Chris Rock's dad said to him, we gotta be twice, Work twice as hard to get half the rewards.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, twice the dick. Absolutely.

[David Boren]

And all you dudes online posting these big ass two foot black dicks, you're not helping us.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, you're hurting the community, man.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Y' all hurt Twitter.

[Bowen Yang]

Please stop.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Just send it to the DMs. Don't post it for everyone.

[David Boren]

Normal dicks rise. We need a normal dick in porn for black men.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Movement.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on. Hey, Lil Fizz, if you're listening, you seem like you got a normal dick. Pull it out. Let everybody see it. Stand up.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Stand up for us. Come on.

[Bowen Yang]

Now, that said, I did find a study that supports there being some legitimacy. Brandon, this is actually jetting a little bit against what you're saying, but there seems to be some reporting that at least supports the legitimacy of the claim that there is. There are racial designations in terms of size. A 2013 paper published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences, you know that one that we all read? Researchers reviewed penis size reported from 113 countries. And what they found was that men of African descent tended to report the longest penises, on average around 6.33 inches.

[David Boren]

I've heard. And this might be somebody with dreads told me this, so I'm not.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

What do you say, David?

[Bowen Yang]

He said grand rising. And then what did he say after that?

[David Boren]

I have heard that it's not a race thing, it is a climate thing. Because in places with warmer climates, the body, like the extremities are free to flow longer. But in colder climates, it serves you well to be constricted.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Wow, that's interesting.

[David Boren]

Yeah, that's just what I've heard now.

[Bowen Yang]

Now this would, I think, possibly disagree with that where, you know, black. Black men were coming in at 6.33 inches, while people of East Asian descent were. Were averaging around 4.31 inches. And most Europeans tended to fall somewhere near 5.71 inches in this study.

[David Boren]

Hmm. I don't. And I've always wondered about the other side of the coin, which is obviously Asian men in Thai. Okay, here's a question, Brandon.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

Because I haven't done the research on this. Have you seen a huge Asian one? Yeah, huge.

[Bowen Yang]

Hell yeah.

[David Boren]

Oh, see, there we go. Yeah. All right.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah. That's why I'm like, yeah, that's why I said, like, even. There might be something to the studies of like. Like, majority of black people have bigger dicks, but it's not across the board. And I think that's what any race. Like, I mean, I've seen some White guys with like massive dicks. You're just like, how? Same with. Whenever you see a white person with like a fat ass, you're like, oh, my God. Like, how did you get that? You know, it's not. It's not a one to one. It's not a complete rule.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. It's like seeing a narwhal.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

What's that mean?

[David Boren]

Oh, with the horn on it?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, that's that whale with the horn. It's like, oh, that's. Oh. As soon as I said it, I felt like either this is gonna kill or these niggas don't know. Narwhals.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

They don't know what Norwal is. That's it.

[David Boren]

But it's like real. It's not like a mythical.

[Bowen Yang]

No, it's not mythical at all.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, I thought we were talking about the one from Elf. Remember the one?

[Bowen Yang]

That's the same thing, but that is a real animal.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, it's real.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Bowen Yang]

See, we all learned something today.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, look at that.

[Bowen Yang]

Now, it's worth noting that the information that I told you is from a self. Self report. Right. That obviously makes the information a little rocky. But part of what they argue with this is that a different research study published in the and I can't believe this is a real place. The International Journal of Impotence Research, in which the measurements were performed by trained researchers. This wasn't a self report. These were researchers measuring penises. And this study, which was taken in Brazil, involved 627 men ages 18 to 86. And they found that black participants had an average penis size of about six and a half inches, while white participants had an average penis size at about 6.22 inches. So just shy of. Of the black penises.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Interesting.

[David Boren]

I don't know what to make of that because Brazilian, it's all crazy down there.

[Bowen Yang]

And that's part of what they say with this shit, is that like, while this does sort of affirm the. The original shit, it also is specifically in Brazil. They're also only factoring for white and black people. And they aren't considering any of the other races. And if it's all in Brazil, maybe Brazil they just got big old dicks. And they don't in other places.

[David Boren]

And they're super racially mixed. Right. That's why they're so beautiful. Right. Because it's like one of the most mixed.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. It's not as clearly, I think, defined in terms of black and white the way that our shit is.

[David Boren]

Right.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

Brandon, you had, I think, an important question here.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I was wondering where did the kind of obsession with or the importance in dick size come from? I mean, maybe the answer is porn.

[David Boren]

Culture, but I think it's the white man. You don't see a lot of black cuckolds is all I'm saying.

[Bowen Yang]

Yet. Yet.

[David Boren]

Okay, fair, fair. That's true equality. When we start being into cuckolding.

[Bowen Yang]

Oh, yeah.

[David Boren]

And then there's like a video for white guys. It's like, like breeder.

[Bowen Yang]

Oh, my God. I do think. I do think to some extent, and this feels like the easy answer, but I think it's very true. It's patriarchal, right? That, like, it's a form of us creating power and, or reducing power from another individual as a way of. Of essentially, you know, being able to. To own more property and people and stuff. Stuff. It's not. It's not without its own weaponized intention.

[David Boren]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that that is the smart, real answer. I'm going with the situation.

[Bowen Yang]

Color commentary, baby.

[Amica Insurance]

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[Matt Rogers]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this spring. Take care of your entire home, including the air you breathe, and save $5 to. When you buy $25 worth of participating products in store or online. Shop for items like Glade plugins, Airwick plugins, Glade auto sprays, Airwick diffusers, and Glade refills. And save $5 when you spend $25 on participating products. Offer ends May 20th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

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[Refresh Optive]

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[Bowen Yang]

One of the things that I actually stumbled upon in this, that I did not expect to find was information about the differences between gay and straight dicks. That's a. That ended up somehow becoming part of the research that I bumped into. And in fact, in 1999, researchers in the US found that gay men are likely to have an average dick size of 6.32 inches when erect, compared to 5.99 inches in straight men. Likewise, gay men were found to have penises at the average of 0.15 inches larger in circumference.

[David Boren]

Whoa.

[Bowen Yang]

Damn. Yeah. So y' all, what does that mean? Good for you, Brandon.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's for me, baby. That's, you know, I like a nine inch stick. So this is great for me. What does that mean?

[David Boren]

It's like, I can't even understand what's.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

The demographic of the gay. Like, do they, like they. Oh my God. Like, is it a melting pot of different ethnic backgrounds of these gays? Or it's just like these are some gays over here in some streets?

[Bowen Yang]

Hey, dog, the research happened in 1999. You know damn well this wasn't a Warm melting pot of anything. This was six white dudes that they pulled off the street.

[David Boren]

That raises all kinds of questions because then maybe your research is a little off because you've been out here in the valley of the huge dicks. These poor straight ladies, they're over here, man.

[Bowen Yang]

Fuck.

[David Boren]

They're over here fucking playing with these little ones, right?

[Bowen Yang]

They're over here fucking five, eight, you know what I mean? You can't see them five eight claiming five 11. And it's like, nah, nah, nah, nah.

[David Boren]

I also, I have wanted to say this. As soon as I found out that we were doing this, I think there goes to a level of people not having good sense of spatial relation. I think that's what throws this all off. I think understanding the size of things and being able to eyeball the size of something without a ruler is a skill that I don't think that most people have. I've done construction work before, so that's the only reason that I feel like I can even eyeball something. But I just, I've met too many people. I've met, I guess more women than men where they're like, he has a six foot penis. And you're like, how tall am I? And she's like 7 4.

[Bowen Yang]

And I'm like, okay, so then you.

[David Boren]

Don'T even know what you're talking about. Like, I feel like that that had. Because we all convert it into inches. But what is six inches off the top of your head? Do you know? Like, and I don't think that is that common of a skill. Exactly, exactly. So we all have this, like. So many people have this thing specifically with dicks. I've heard so many people swear to God how big this dick is or this dick is, but it's like you don't know how long a foot is. Really?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, no, my. So my daughter, we had to buy her new shoes just because kids grow. You get the concept. Yeah, but she, she, you know, you see the shoes and you're like, that's a big fucking shoe. My daughter's foot is, is what? Like 2 inches? And then you measure and it's like, no, her foot is like four and a half inches. And she's. You know what I mean? Like, I'm, I'm not close at all to the correct size of what this body is doing. And I'm probably not more generous with my own body or more accurate with my own body.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Wait, this is now giving me an identity crisis because I said, I said I'm a 12 inch dick. But I know it's 12 inches because they told me. But can I rely on them if I can't tell, if I can't eyeball it? And we always know they had an inch. Maybe it was only 11.

[David Boren]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Like, I think rights. No, I mean, you should still take it.

[David Boren]

Take the 12. Was it the biggest dick you ever saw?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

[David Boren]

Then it could be 12.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, it can be 12. But just know that that person made you a liar. And you gotta live with that on the inside.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I live with that guilt on the inside, But I'm gonna tell Everybody it was 12 inches. Yeah. Yeah, you earned it.

[David Boren]

You earned it. You were. You were on vacation.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

You're on vacation.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Vacation dick.

[David Boren]

Come on. Yeah, you're at Sandals, Jamaica. Just get your groove back. Shout out to Taye Diggs.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Shout out to Tay Diggs.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, so. So the last thing that I think is worth mentioning in relation to the gay big penis of it all, it does introduce, at least to me, the. The. The possibility that that's another piece of information y' all should be bringing as evidence that you were born this way. Like, this is. You need to be laying that on the table. Like, look.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Hey, look how big it is. Come on.

[Bowen Yang]

Come on. If you don't think I was born this way, show me your dick. Let me see.

[David Boren]

Damn. That would really. That would really push the conversation forward.

[Bowen Yang]

I think so.

[David Boren]

If it was had along those.

[Bowen Yang]

Because a bunch of cowardly straight men are not gonna pull their dicks out. We're real scared of taking our shit out. But, y' all, I've seen what gay clubs look like. Y' all don't give a picture.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Out in the clubs. Yeah. And on the street. You go to Folsom, San Francisco.

[Bowen Yang]

I have been there.

[David Boren]

I have accidentally walked through the Folsom Street Fair.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Hey, guys, love your gay.

[David Boren]

It's. It's it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

You accidentally walked through the Folsom.

[David Boren]

Wait, I was going to the brainwash. It's on 7th and Folsom. This doesn't matter.

[Bowen Yang]

No, this matters.

[David Boren]

I was going to the Brainwashed on seventh and Fulsome to tell jokes. It was a weekly open mic shout out to Tony Sparks. I didn't know the culture of San Francisco yet. It was along the same time. You're like, oh, this street fair. Let me walk in, show my ID and see what's going on. And then it was like.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

And then you're like, that's a. Yeah, that's a hard surprise. I mean, listen, San Francisco's get.

[David Boren]

They get naked all the time though. Beta breakers pride. They're always taking it out. Like if you could take it out over there. I'm not saying like fly up there and take it out, but if there's like revelry going on, you could probably get away with taking it.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah.

[Bowen Yang]

Become one with the culture and then take it out. Don't just.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I was actually in San Francisco three weeks ago and I was at. In a bar and we were like. It had like a patio. We were sitting on the patio and then suddenly I saw like a full on naked man walking across the street. I took a video cause I was so shocked. And then he crossed the street and then two more naked men. And this is at like one in the afternoo.

[David Boren]

Yeah.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

And I don't know where they were going, but they were fully nude and it. And no one was stopping them. So it's.

[David Boren]

Was it in the Castro?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[David Boren]

So it's not that it. So this is how I've understood it because I remember this was a big deal. It's not that it's not illegal. It's like, you know, like in the wire, how they had the open air drug market. It's like that for Dixon and Castro. Like you can. Nobody's gonna prosecute you. Like within that neighborhood. You're allowed to do that.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah. There's a rule in New York City that you can't take for women. You can't take your top off in public. But if you leave your house with your shirt off, you could just be titties out all day. Anywhere you want to be interesting. Yeah. So it feels like one of those loophole type shits where it's like, yeah, my dick's been out this whole time.

[David Boren]

So yeah, I left the house like this.

[Bowen Yang]

Good luck, coppers.

[David Boren]

Yeah. I'm a menace to society if I get on the street and take it out. But if I come out with it out.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah, you knew what I was on today.

[David Boren]

Yeah.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

I just couldn't walk out naked like that. Cause I feel like there would be a moment where I'm like, ah, I wish I had clothes on. You know, like there would just be a moment in your day where you're like, ah. I just. I feel seen and explored. Yeah.

[David Boren]

And I don't want to sit down naked on anything outside at all.

[Bowen Yang]

I think it's probably fun as fuck when you're like walking through a park, when you're like hanging out somewhere, whatever the fuck. But when you gotta like go to Walgreens and decide between, like, which contact solution to buy and you're just ass naked. You probably feel like an idiot.

[David Boren]

That's it exactly. Or like you're in there going to get some chips for your super bowl party. Dick all on the Doritos.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yes.

[Bowen Yang]

Do I want scoops or traditional turkey? Yeah.

[David Boren]

Meanwhile, the head of your shit is just resting on that shit. Shitty salsa. Also refrigerate that salsa, you animals.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's the real takeaway. Yeah, refrigerate your salsa, neighbor. Refrigerate your salsa.

[Bowen Yang]

Now that is the same pastor that's the original. That's the original pastor from the beginning. He's like. He's like, you give some dick back. Also refrigerate yourself. Well, I think we did it, y' all. I think we nailed this. This feels like we. We fucking covered the shit out of it. Brandon, could you tell the people at home where they can find you and what cool shit you have going on?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Yeah, for sure they can find me on Instagram at Brandon called Goodman. That'll take you everywhere else, Big Mouth. I don't know when this drops. Big mouth, season six, October 28th. And also my book, you Gotta Be youe, available everywhere. Just support your local bookstores if you can.

[Bowen Yang]

Hell yeah. Go, go buy the book. Watch Big Mouth. Brandon's great. And boy, you want to tell people everywhere, they can get to you cool guy jokes.

[David Boren]

87 on Instagram. That'd take you to everything. I got some stand updates coming. I also say support your local bookstore. Don't let Walden in all these other big book chains. Get your money. Shout out to the Tattered Cover and Powell's. We've all been to Powell's, right? It's impressive.

[Bowen Yang]

Well. Well, I'll say. Let's get Barnes and Noble back, baby. Fuck those local bookstores. I want Borders back in business.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Bring Borders back. Borders was the shit back in the day.

[Bowen Yang]

We missed big corporations that couldn't survive on their own. Bail them out. Bail them out. You can follow me at Langston Kerman on whatever platforms. And as always, if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to tell us how big your penis is, please send it to mymamapodmail.com we would love to hear from you. Okay, that's it. Bye. Bitch.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Why you coming home five in the morning?

[Bowen Yang]

Something's going on.

[David Boren]

Can I smell your dick?

[Bowen Yang]

The government growing babies. Microchips in your family?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money.

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Bowen Yang]

Use as often as needed.

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[Bowen Yang]

Spring is here and you can now.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Get almost anything you need for your.

[Bowen Yang]

Sunny days delivered with Uber Eats.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well groomed.

[Bowen Yang]

Lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken Parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no. But a banana?

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

That's a yes.

[Bowen Yang]

A nice tan? Sorry, nope. But a box fan? Happily, yes.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines?

[David Boren]

Yes.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Uber Eats can definitely get you that.

[Bowen Yang]

Get almost almost anything delivered with Uber Eats.

[Brandon Kyle Goodman]

Order now. Alcohol in select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app.

[Matt Rogers]

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[David Boren]

You're listening to an iheart podcast.