Are People Stealing Beyoncé's Face?: Motherf*ckin Mini Episode (RE-RELEASE)

Summary

Episode Summary: "Are People Stealing Beyoncé's Face?: Motherf*ckin Mini Episode"

Podcast: My Momma Told Me
Host: Langston Kerman and David Borey
Release Date: May 22, 2025

---

Introduction to the Mini Episode (02:08 - 02:51)

Langston Kerman and David Borey kick off this mini episode with their signature humor, setting the stage for a candid exploration of Black conspiracy theories. Langston remarks, “All my life I had to fight... I kill him dead before I let him beat me again” (02:19), signaling a shift from their usual banter to more profound discussions.

---

Discussion on the Movie "Baby Boy" (03:00 - 07:10)

The hosts delve into the critically acclaimed film Baby Boy, defending its artistic merit against online criticisms.

• Langston Kerman praises the film, stating, “It is a great film that just so happens to be starring a genuine psychopath. But it is a phenomenal, phenomenal film” (03:21).

• David Borey echoes this sentiment, questioning the widespread negative reception: “I don't understand why people have so much hate for it” (04:02).

They discuss the casting choices, particularly Tyrese Gibson's age portrayal, concluding that despite some inconsistencies, the performances, especially by Ving Rhames and Omar Gooding, elevated the film: “Everybody acted their ass off. Everybody really went crazy in that movie” (06:01).

---

Listener Voicemail Introduction (07:22 - 07:54)

Transitioning from movie talk, Langston introduces the segment featuring listener voicemails: “We got voicemails... maybe unpack a conspiracy that one of you, the little mamas left on our phone” (07:22). The hosts express excitement about engaging directly with their audience, anticipating both insightful and potentially challenging contributions.

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Main Discussion: "Are Plastic Surgeons Stealing Beyoncé's Face?" (07:54 - 26:43)

A listener posits a conspiracy theory that plastic surgeons are subconsciously aiming to make their clients resemble Beyoncé, influenced by her iconic beauty standards.

• Caller’s Theory (08:40 - 09:27): The caller explains, “Plastic surgeons try to give people the Beyoncé face... starting with Kim Kardashian... it’s all like, just Beyoncé's face” (08:40).

• Langston Kerman’s Response (09:57 - 11:27): Langston agrees, adding layers to the discussion: “They go like, who’s a black woman who looks like a black woman? I think Beyoncé very much looks like a black woman, but with Eurocentric enough features that it does not offend white eyes” (10:09). He critiques the influence of Eurocentric beauty standards merged with Black features, noting the Kardashians’ role in “black fishing” to appeal to wider audiences.

• David Borey’s Insight (10:27 - 12:13): David expands on the cyclical nature of beauty standards, comparing Beyoncé's influence to that of Diana Ross in previous decades. He highlights the technological advancements in cosmetic surgery that make such transformations more accessible: “Have you seen Tyrese at 19? He looks like Tyrese now... the performance outshined his age” (06:01).

• Broader Implications (12:13 - 15:24): The conversation shifts to the transient nature of beauty trends. They discuss concerns about how current popular surgeries, like breast augmentations, might become dated as trends evolve. Langston references a podcast he listened to: “we are in the middle of a swing towards smaller breasts... big old titties are a massive burden...” (12:42). Both hosts agree that trends are heavily influenced by the fashion industry’s motives to sell products rather than genuine shifts in societal preferences.

• Cultural and Societal Pressures (15:24 - 24:37): Langston and David explore how cultural messages, often driven by male-dominated sectors like plastic surgery, pressure individuals to conform to specific beauty ideals. They critique a peer-reviewed journal article that described the “perfect” breast shape, emphasizing the absurdity of a one-size-fits-all approach: “This is insane because bodies come in so many different shapes and forms...” (23:32).

• Conclusion of the Discussion (24:37 - 26:43): The hosts summarize their stance, stating, “our plastic surgeons are making people look like Beyoncé. No, it is not subconscious. It is very conscious” (31:36). They encourage listeners to reflect on societal pressures and question whether emulating Beyoncé’s look is a healthy pursuit.

---

Reflections on Comedic Personas and Mental Health (26:43 - 31:18)

Shifting gears, Langston and David open up about their struggles with maintaining their comedic personas.

• David Borey shares his insecurities: “This is me at my peak because I can harness it into the hour or two hours that we have to do this. And then I spend my low. I'm not funny, man” (28:15).

• Langston Kerman relates, expressing feelings of fraudulence: “I feel like I'm a fraud most of the day” (28:21).

They discuss the emotional toll of their profession, debating whether their comedic output leads to personal dissatisfaction. Langston admits, “I sink every fucking day into comedy. So much so that I drain myself dry” (30:14), while David contemplates the disparity between his on-stage persona and off-stage reality: “I ruined my whole personality for this” (30:12).

---

Final Thoughts and Caller Response (31:18 - 26:43)

Addressing the caller’s theory one last time, Langston emphasizes the societal implications of striving to look like Beyoncé: “We all wanna look like Beyoncé. And we should maybe reflect on whether that's a healthy approach” (25:23).

David adds a humorous yet poignant note: “trust me, you're not gonna pop out looking like Beyoncé and your life's gonna get worse” (25:51), highlighting the unrealistic expectations set by celebrity beauty standards.

They conclude by promoting their social media platforms and encouraging listeners to submit their own conspiracy theories, fostering a community-driven conversation.

---

Conclusion and Closing Remarks (31:36 - End)

In their trademark irreverent style, Langston and David wrap up the episode by reiterating their stance on the Beyoncé face conspiracy and inviting further engagement from listeners. Their final exchanges blend humor with thoughtful critique, leaving audiences both entertained and provoked to think critically about societal beauty norms.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Langston Kerman (03:21): “It is a great film that just so happens to be starring a genuine psychopath. But it is a phenomenal, phenomenal film.”

• David Borey (04:02): “I don't understand why people have so much hate for it.”

• Caller (08:40): “Plastic surgeons try to give people the Beyoncé face... starting with Kim Kardashian... it’s all like, just Beyoncé's face.”

• Langston Kerman (10:09): “They go like, who’s a black woman who looks like a black woman? I think Beyoncé very much looks like a black woman, but with Eurocentric enough features that it does not offend white eyes.”

• David Borey (12:13): “Have you seen Tyrese at 19? He looks like Tyrese now... the performance outshined his age.”

• Langston Kerman (23:32): “This is insane because bodies come in so many different shapes and forms...”

• David Borey (28:15): “I'm not funny, man.”

• Langston Kerman (30:14): “I sink every fucking day into comedy. So much so that I drain myself dry.”

---

Key Takeaways:

1. Celebrity Influence on Beauty Standards: Beyoncé serves as a modern standard for beauty, significantly impacting cosmetic surgery trends.

2. Cyclical Nature of Beauty Trends: Beauty ideals shift over decades, often influenced by prevailing celebrities and societal norms, making certain cosmetic enhancements seem outdated as trends evolve.

3. Societal Pressures and Autonomy: While cosmetic surgery can be an expression of personal autonomy, it is also heavily influenced by external societal pressures and media portrayals of beauty.

4. Emotional Toll of Comedic Personas: The hosts candidly discuss the emotional challenges of maintaining a comedic persona, highlighting the importance of mental health awareness in high-performance professions.

5. Encouraging Critical Reflection: Listeners are encouraged to critically assess societal beauty standards and the motivations behind conforming to them.

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This episode of My Momma Told Me masterfully combines humor with insightful discussions on societal beauty standards and the pervasive influence of celebrities like Beyoncé. Through engaging dialogues and personal reflections, Langston Kerman and David Borey offer listeners both entertainment and food for thought, inviting them to question and reflect on the cultural narratives that shape personal and collective perceptions of beauty.

Transcript

[David Borey]

You're listening to an iHeart podcast.

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[Langston Kerman]

In the right career, ew. Or the right relationship.

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[Mini Episode Intro]

Motherfucking mini episodes. Many episodes. Motherfucking mini episodes.

[Langston Kerman]

All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my cousins and my uncles. But I never thought I'd have to fight in my own house. I love Sarpo. I truly do. But I kill him dead before I let him beat me again. There it is. There it is, little mamas and gentiles alike. Welcome to another phenomenal mini episode of.

[David Borey]

My Mama Told Me the podcast where we dive deep into the pockets of.

[Langston Kerman]

Black conspiracy theories and we finally work to prove the theories that you, the listener, have at home. It's a motherfucking mini episode.

[David Borey]

Let's go. I think we should open it up and not do songs anymore in the beginning. This is exciting.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I think we really can challenge ourselves to find Some new, exciting, dangerous territory.

[David Borey]

Yeah, I got some moves. I just rewatched Baby Boy. I'm ready to go.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. Somebody had a bet night. I like that. It's always playing. It is a good ass movie. I read. I saw somebody commented this the other day because it was like a Twitter take of somebody being like, baby Boy ain't nothing but this movie. And this movie and the. The way that people sort of treat Baby Boy as if it's like a run of the mill, like, hood movie is 100% incorrect. It is a great film that just so happens to be starring a genuine psychopath. But it is a phenomenal, phenomenal film.

[David Borey]

It feels like that's why people play it out. Like, they really try to doubt. Like people really try to downgrade. It is not a good film. And it's, like, wonderfully acted. It's beautifully shot. Like, it's a great movie. I don't understand why people have so much hate for it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it's got. It's got a cool message that isn't, like, overly sappy, but also does, like, leave levels of hope inside of it. You know what I mean? Like, isn't. It isn't about creating false solutions, but it is sort of about creating a sense that, like, everything in the hood doesn't have to be just dire and deadly. You know what I mean? Like, there's. It truly is a good film. I love it.

[David Borey]

People give Jody no space. Like, he wasn't 19.

[Langston Kerman]

Was he supposed to be 19 in that movie?

[David Borey]

That's what I read when I was looking at people talking shit about it online. Whoa.

[Langston Kerman]

That's crazy.

[David Borey]

So this. And this is, once again, this is just. I got this from Threads, which I only go on Threads when I'm like, not feeling good or whatever. Yeah, on Threads, people were saying Jody was supposed to be 19 and Yvette was supposed to be like 23, 24.

[Langston Kerman]

Wow.

[David Borey]

Which to me, it's like, damn. And his brother just died.

[Langston Kerman]

That makes sense that she would be older. I could see that. And that he would be younger. He looked 40, so that's hard to make peace with him being 19.

[David Borey]

He is a dark skinned man. Tyrese always looked like that.

[Langston Kerman]

That's true.

[David Borey]

Have you seen Tyrese at 19? He looks like Tyrese at whatever he is right now.

[Langston Kerman]

He was in the My Way video.

[David Borey]

He was in those Coca Cola commercials.

[Langston Kerman]

Nemesis. Yeah, in the My Way video. And he did look a lot older than Usher. But I could have bought him being 19 in that video. I did not buy him being 19 in Baby Boy. But that's okay. The performance outshined his age.

[David Borey]

Yeah, everybody. Everybody acted their ass off. Everybody really went crazy in that movie.

[Langston Kerman]

Snoop was really good.

[David Borey]

Snoop was great. Ving Rhames, Omar Gooding, that's. That's the best thing he ever did. And he was a smart guy.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm gonna be honest with you. It changed my whole perspective of what Omar Gooden could do. I was like, oh, Omar Gooden is. He's a talent.

[David Borey]

Before that, I just thought he was the dumb guy and smart Guy.

[Langston Kerman]

He was great and Smart Guy, but I didn't see a lot of upward mobility from that performance.

[David Borey]

But the performance, you didn't feel like anybody was gonna get out from Smart Guy, even though it was a star studded cast. Jason Weaver went crazy. Essence Atkins, everybody was the dad. I don't know that guy's name.

[Langston Kerman]

No, I agree. It didn't feel like they were about to make it out of there, but it did feel like everybody shined in. In their role. Smart Guy was a solid. It was a solid lineup start to finish.

[David Borey]

Yeah, I really like that show. Kyla Pratt was in there. Everybody was.

[Langston Kerman]

That's true.

[David Borey]

Yeah, Beyonce was in there looking as old as she does now, which was weird.

[Langston Kerman]

Anyways, I love Smart Guy. Yeah, we don't really talk about Smart Guy because. Drumroll, please. We got voicemails. We've been telling people that we want you guys to call us. Call us now, we say. And you did. You called us. And some of their calls were in. And some of your calls were very sweet. But we want to listen to voicemail together today and maybe unpack a conspiracy that one of you, the little mamas left on our phone. So that's the plan.

[David Borey]

Yeah. I'm very excited about this turn for us.

[Langston Kerman]

It's really cool. It's groundbreaking shit that we're doing right now.

[David Borey]

Somebody's going to leave a nasty one one day.

[Langston Kerman]

They are going to leave a nasty one. I wish you wouldn't encourage them as much as you seem to be doing, but, yeah, that's inevitable. I scared of me, man.

[David Borey]

Y so mad.

[Langston Kerman]

You're really bugging. You keep telling them you gotta chill, but that's all right. Here we go. We got a voicemail. I don't even know who it's from. This person. Maybe they said their name. They sent us a lot of voicemails, so maybe they said their name in a different voicemail. But it. I'm not going back. Anyway, we'll play it now.

[Caller]

All right. Last time calling in, because I know I called you so much. But my conspiracy theory is that plastic surgeons try to give people the Beyonce face. Like, subconsciously. I see people who get plastic surgery, and right before they go too far, they literally have Beyonce's like, cheekbone or the structure. Like, maybe it's because I like Beyonce, but there's something to this. Starting with Kim Kardashian and her plastic surgery, which subsequently leads to all her sister's plastic surgeries. It's all like, just Beyonce's face and just being like, okay, I kind of want this.

[Langston Kerman]

All right, it's Beyonce's face. Is the question at hand, is this somehow secretly plastic surgeons saying they want to make people look like Beyonce? Subconsciously, she says, I don't think it is.

[David Borey]

That subconscious is what I will say to this one. I think that there is always a beauty standard at the time that directly aligns with the celebrity, and you see fallout from that, that people want to look like that person. I think that if you went back to whatever decade, you would say she was the most on top. You would see people trying to look like Diana Ross. I don't think it's new. I think that the means to make yourself look like that person. Right. Have gone. Have gotten more advanced. And that's why we see so many people. I mean, Nick, you live in LA. How many Kim Kardashians do you know in LA? Like, that shit's crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, I truly, I 100% agree with you. I think this is just the baddest bitch on the planet by far. And so it's like, all right, well, yeah, everybody's going to use her as the standard of beauty, including other very wealthy women who want to mirror that. And I think a fair amount of what the Kardashians are doing is black fishing and sort of like wanting to create this image that they are more, quote, unquote, ethnic, then they probably appear just off of their own original genetic makeup. And so I think, yeah, they. They go like, well, who's a black woman who looks like a black woman? I think Beyonce very much looks like a black woman, but with Euro centric enough features that it does not offend white eyes. You know what I mean? Like, it is not.

[David Borey]

Right. Like, like, I understand what you're saying completely.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it's not. I think there are black women who we go are very beautiful, but are also more of a polarizing conversation for white people. You know what I mean? Like, Takara Williams comes to mind where.

[David Borey]

I go like, God damn, It.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Where it's just like, damn. Nah, it's just nuts. But, like, white people ain't necessarily going to have. Or Takara Jones. That's who it is. Takara Williams is a comedian.

[David Borey]

She's also. Oh, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

But Takara Jones is the one that I'm thinking of. But, yeah, I think is more of a debate for white people. Whereas, like, Beyonce is more objective for white people as a beauty standard.

[David Borey]

Right. And that man. Sorry. I looked up to Kara Instagram still hitting if you want to do the show.

[Langston Kerman]

Listen.

[David Borey]

No, I think the scary thing in that, though, is you wonder what happens when the trends shift. Like, I wonder that a lot about, like, women who went out and got large fake breasts in the 90s.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borey]

You know what I'm saying? And then as the cultural pendulum kind of swung to something different, you're left in this thing that was really served you well at one point, but then now you look kind of dated. And it seems like, to me, that's sort of the worry.

[Langston Kerman]

It's funny you should bring that up, because I was literally just listening to a daily episode about that exact issue. They were saying that, like, we are in the middle of a swing towards smaller breasts. That, like, women are in much larger numbers now getting breast reductions, in fact, because, like, big old titties, number one, are a massive burden physically and come with a larger cost socially, but they also are not in style the same way that they used to be. And so there's, like, a bunch of women getting breast reductions. And it does make you think, like, how much of these plastic surgeries are going to age over time as trends sort of shift, which is sad.

[David Borey]

Also, do big titties ever really go out of style?

[Langston Kerman]

That's where I start to call bullshit.

[David Borey]

And I'll be honest, in the magazines, sure. Or at the highest levels of whatever you deem to be fashion. But I feel like, I don't know, there could still be a lady in Chicago with huge titties, and it's cool.

[Langston Kerman]

And listen, I'm still gonna be a big fan of that lady. You know what I mean?

[David Borey]

Exactly. I don't think she'll ever not be courted for that.

[Langston Kerman]

It's one of those things that I think fashion repeatedly does where they claim that this thing is bad or this thing is out of style or this is not the way that women are or people are in general anymore. That is completely fabricated by a bunch of people who are not basing this off of sexuality. They're basing it off of, like, Trends and their intention to sell items. Do you know what I mean?

[David Borey]

So it's like silhouettes and stuff.

[Langston Kerman]

So you're making a bunch of clothes that don't require a bra anymore or at least look worse when you have a bra. And so you tell everybody that like, little tits are in, when in fact lil tits ain't any more in. Other than for the people who feel like they need that physically to take that off of their. You know what I mean? Off of their person. But like, little tits aren't. They're not out. I'm a big fan of those too. But it isn't just like, oh, the world decided that this has changed. It's a bunch of people in charge of a magazine that are telling us this.

[David Borey]

Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. That is a very odd thing because. Yeah, BAE just typed in the chat. Everyone wants to be hero. And you're like. The fact that it's. Again, begs the question for how long? Right?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, 100%.

[David Borey]

And I think that you just gotta chill. Cause big titties will get cool again. I truly think everyone hits the zeitgeist in like a perfect way at one point in their life. And if you just hold fast to who you are at some point and you don't know when it is, and you can't control that, it might not be when you're. It might for some poor people. Who was that little boy on Tim the Tool Man Taylor? Who was that little boy?

[Langston Kerman]

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

[David Borey]

He fucked up. He got that shit from 11 to 15. But he hit it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, he hit it hard. He was. He was the standard of beauty in our country before Beyonce.

[David Borey]

I don't think he looked like Ally McBeal.

[Langston Kerman]

He was gorgeous. Fucking Simba, baby. He was Simba. They made him Simba.

[David Borey]

He was not the musical Simba. That was Jason Weaver.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, Jason Weaver, of course.

[David Borey]

Shout out to smart guy again. Yeah, but I do think that everyone hits that. It's hard, though. Cause you gotta worry if you can't like, strike while the iron's hot. You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

Well, I think that's where it becomes this complicated thing. Right? Is that striking while the iron's hot or feeling so out of place in the body that you have that you're not willing to wait out the changes in trends. Right. That, like, if you are made to believe by media, by the people around you that your body is somehow incorrect, then you start to desire something else. Hence all these women in the 80s and 90s wanting to get the big fake tits in the first place. And so one of the things that the, the, the thing I was listening to was saying the podcast I was listening to was that more than ever, Gen Z is real down for plastic surgery. They're real like, nah, whatever. We don't. But they're not looking at it as a reflection of responding to like, the male gaze. They look at it as like their own autonomy where they go like, nah, this is my way of just activating who I want to be. Not just because some dude told me this is what we like.

[David Borey]

Yeah, that's tough. That's tough. It's hard for me to get behind elective surgery in a major way.

[Langston Kerman]

Just like, because, because you see just.

[David Borey]

Like how the world is, how much resources it takes. You know what I'm saying?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borey]

And no matter where you go, there you're at. But like, I'm glad that they find freedom in that. And I might have a very antiquated view of it, but it does, to me feel like if you need surgery to be yourself, I don't know if that's a hole that gets filled always sometimes, you know.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I worry, I worry less.

[David Borey]

It just, that's not, that's not a great solution to a problem.

[Langston Kerman]

I feel like I worry less about even it being the solution to the problem because maybe it is for you. And I don't want to presume fair. I don't want to make that choice for you. But I do worry that, like, there might have been another solution if you explored in a different way. Right. And so I think, I think I. For plastic surgery in particular, I go, if that's what you want, baby girl, that or baby boy, whatever, that's what you should go do. And there's no shame in that. On the flip side, I bet you there was another way into that same feeling if you were able to get past some of the aesthetic blockage that's sitting in front of you.

[David Borey]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

So, yeah, I don't, I.

[David Borey]

We're so smart.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, we sound great.

[David Borey]

This is, this isn't gonna come off problematic at all. Let's just talk about what women should do to their bodies surgically, buddy.

[Langston Kerman]

One thing I know for sure, this won't age poorly at all. This conversation is going to stand the test of time.

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[Langston Kerman]

I don't know if I'm in the right career ew or the right relationship.

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[David Borey]

These conversations are necessary though, because I do feel like sometimes these things, the technology and whatnot, outpaces people having true feelings about it. And then you get to this point where you don't know where the culture's at, you know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

So it's like a hundred percent.

[David Borey]

Yeah, it does feel and I think that's why people get so caught up one way or another within the culture. Wars, Right. Because it's like, wait, this just happened? I don't even get it.

[Langston Kerman]

I think also we don't give enough credit to how much these culture wars are dictated by a small swath of people. One of the things that they talked about in that. In that podcast is that 3/4 of plastic surgeons are men. Men who for a long time were responding to women saying, I want a breast reduction by being like, well, your husband won't like that or like that. That. I actually like the way this curves or shaping. Literally there was like a. This is fucked up. But there was like a.

[David Borey]

Doctor would be like, no, I actually like big ass titt. Why did I come here?

[Langston Kerman]

Cool, man. I don't. For me, I don't.

[David Borey]

What a nightmare.

[Langston Kerman]

That's dope for you. Yeah. One of the things that's craziest is that there actually was like this peer reviewed journal article. Well, basically, a doctor describes in detail the perfect shape of a breast. Like, this is the ideal breast that all plastic surgeons should be working towards. And basically like presenting this as this is what we should be crafting. Which is insane because bodies come in so many different shapes and forms that even the ideal, quote unquote, ideal breast might look nuts on a lady that ain't built like that.

[David Borey]

Right. And by whose. Yeah, it's regulating bodies in that way is so crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, 100%.

[David Borey]

And it's like, come on, man. Some people like long titties, some people.

[Langston Kerman]

Like that, for sure.

[David Borey]

Some people like short titties.

[Langston Kerman]

And the rest.

[David Borey]

Yeah. Some people like it when they hang down and they can pick it up and put it to their ear like a telephone.

[Langston Kerman]

Do your titties hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in the knot? Can you tie them in a bow?

[David Borey]

Shout out to jibs?

[Langston Kerman]

But no, I think to the greater point of whether or not plastic surgeons are making people look like Beyonce, I think they're probably asking these plastic surgeons on some sub subconscious level to make them look like Beyonce, or in a very straight up level to make them look like Beyonce. And I think we're all working from the same palette in a lot of ways. We go, this is. This is the standard of beauty. Therefore I will do my best to make you look like that, even if that's not what you're supposed to look like.

[David Borey]

Yeah, definitely. I feel like within this, the conspiracy is not within the plastic surgeons. It's kind of society at large.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, we all wanna look like Beyonce. And we should maybe reflect on whether That's a healthy approach.

[David Borey]

Yeah, exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

But that said, if you wanna look like Beyonce and you know how to do it, God bless you. Cause you did too. Yeah, Fuck do I know? Yeah.

[David Borey]

And trust me, you're not gonna pop out looking like Beyonce and your life's gonna get worse. No.

[Langston Kerman]

You'Re gonn.

[David Borey]

You're definitely gonna see some results.

[Langston Kerman]

I think people are gonna talk a little differently to you there, sweetheart.

[David Borey]

They're not gonna push you around down at the post office anymore.

[Langston Kerman]

Where's that check? I don't know. My mailman looks like Beyonce. I'm not. They got lost. They got lost.

[David Borey]

I gotta buy him two Christmas presents now. Do you buy your mailman a Christmas present?

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck no.

[David Borey]

Yeah, me either.

[Langston Kerman]

I hate my mail lady's guts. I hate.

[David Borey]

Whoa.

[Langston Kerman]

I can't stand this bitch. Damn.

[David Borey]

For real?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. She's rude and she never says hello. And she shows up late almost every day. Sometimes she's delivering at like eight at night. So, like, if I needed mail, I'm just. Do you know, you gotta.

[David Borey]

You gotta. Cause you're waiting for those SAG Aftra checks.

[Langston Kerman]

You know what I mean, Bro, I got cat, I got checks to cash. She'll be showing up at like 8 at night, leaving, leaving. She'll leave packages on the porch and not ring the door, but you know what I mean? Not even indicate, like, oh, you have a package, just like, put it out. And then because you show up so late, now it's out overnight. Now my shit's just outside because you don't give a fuck. I hate this way.

[David Borey]

Wow, man. My guy's cool. He's like a gay guy. He's pretty. He's like, hip.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn.

[David Borey]

Yeah. But then he's like so hip. Sometimes I try to talk to him and he doesn't want to talk to me because I have like a little bistro table out front. So I'll be out the side when he comes out sometimes. Oh, hey. You know what I mean? Oh.

[Langston Kerman]

He sees you out there and he goes, hey, man, what's up, dog?

[Ferris State University Ad]

Hey.

[David Borey]

Got your mail.

[Langston Kerman]

All right. I can't talk today. I gotta.

[David Borey]

And also I In the world. My sense of humor completely leaves me. So, like, I'm not saying funny stuff like I am on here. I'm just like, bills again.

[Langston Kerman]

Can I just say, it is so cathartic to hear you say that because I feel the exact same way. I am not.

[David Borey]

Oh, really?

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not being funny. I'm not nailing it. Most of the time when I'm talking to people. I just be having ordinary conversations. And then they go, what are you doing? I go, I'm a comedian. They go, all right. And I just feel like I'm a fraud most the day.

[David Borey]

This is me at my peak because I can harness it in to the hour or two hours that we have to do this. And then I spent my low. I'm not funny, man. I wish you could talk to my girl about how unfunny I am in the house.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn, this feels good to hear, man.

[David Borey]

Brother, it's like puns and, like, stupid. I make stupid jokes. This just happened to me. I make terrible jokes to her. And the other day she was like, can you just stop shortening shit? Because I know that that's a douchebag thing to do. And in my head I was like, oh, that's so funny. So I do it. But it's not ironic if you do it all the time anymore, right?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, once. You've done it more than twice. This is just who you are.

[David Borey]

Right. And I got an audition for this show, and the character was a douchebag. And all he did was shorten everything he said in the audition. Self described douchebag.

[Langston Kerman]

And I was like, oh, man, I'm gonna do that.

[David Borey]

No, no, no. I was like, oh, man, she's right.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, now it was the mirror you needed held up to you.

[David Borey]

Exactly. Because my sense of humor is not great within a lot of other aspects. It's not.

[Langston Kerman]

I get it. I've put everything I can into comedy. Like, I sink every fucking day into comedy. So much so that I drain myself dry.

[David Borey]

I have nothing left.

[Langston Kerman]

I got nothing.

[David Borey]

That's why it sucks so bad when my comedy doesn't do good. I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna kill myself.

[Langston Kerman]

I did everything. I did everything. I disassociated from the horrors of the world for this. At least let it work.

[David Borey]

I ruined my whole personality for this.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on, man. I could have been a champion for justice and truth, and I chose this. So it has to work. I think about it all the time of, like, how much I sort of have to, like, shut down a moral code that I know that I believe that I live under actively for the sake of getting a joke off or being able to reason with a comedic idea that sometimes has, like, vile undertones. And when it doesn't work, you are. You feel like garbage. Just.

[David Borey]

You're such a bad guy.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Borey]

Cause you mix those words up and then it's like. Cause sometimes it's like a. You're tiptoeing, especially with the new shit, man. I don't want to go to your stand up after this. Now I feel like I'm.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm glad I don't have spots tonight.

[David Borey]

I gotta do an hour. It'd be great.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you'll kill it. So, dear caller, our inaugural caller, I would say the beginner caller. We would say that, yes, our plastic surgeons are making people look like Beyonce. No, it is not subconscious. It is very conscious. And we're all maybe needing to spend a little more time thinking about why we would want that as a society.

[David Borey]

Beautiful.

[Langston Kerman]

All right, well, you want to tell the people where they can find you?

[David Borey]

What cool stukes, cool guy jokes87 on Instagram. Go to patreon.com davidbory GB go buy my motherfucking special. Birth of a Nation. It's very funny. You're gonna love it. Walk your dog to it. Make love to it.

[California Psychics Ad]

Oh.

[David Borey]

It's also available on all streaming platforms. Spotify, all that shit.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. All right, that makes more sense. You're walking.

[David Borey]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't want you listening to it.

[David Borey]

I don't want you to fuck to the visual.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, you can, you can follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. You can watch my special on Netflix. It's called Bad Poetry. And that's. Oh, if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to tell us what beauty standards we should shift everything to for the next wave of plastic surgery, send it all to mymamapodmail.com and please, like this. Sweet. Sweet. I would say overzealous caller who took things a step too far. But we, we love her anyway. Send us your own voicemails at 844-LIL-MOMS. We want to hear from you at 844-LIL-DOMS. Call us now and. And maybe your. Your voicemail will get read on the episode and. And like subscribe rate, review, Buy the merch. Say bye to your loved ones before you go. Who knows what's gonna happen to you. Bye.

[Mini Episode Intro]

Mini episode. Mini episode. Mini episode. Mini episodes. Mini episodes. Mini episodes.

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We know some people can't read the career warning signs like your boss. Still not knowing your name.

[Langston Kerman]

You, Tina, Lisa, Sheila, whatever. Get that report to me by lunch, okay? It's Carrie, ma' am. Just get it done.

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We do whatever it takes to get.

[Langston Kerman]

You the in depth info on local.

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Schools you won't find anywhere else. Things like student teacher ratio, test scores and school programs. And sometimes that requires attending school recitals. So many recitals.

[David Borey]

That's my son.

[Langston Kerman]

Isn't he terrific?

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Yeah, a real prodigy.

[Langston Kerman]

Homes.com we've done your homework.

[David Borey]

You're listening to an I Heart podcast.